A Serpent's Loyalty
by Witch of Eastwick
Summary: Marauder Era. It's so easy to close your eyes if you're a pure-blood. Why would you do harm to yourself and your position if you belong to Slytherin? All you have to do is think about your inheritance. Can you manage that? Written preHBP, formerly CLLG.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

I stuffed my hands in my pocket. I had decided to walk home to think things over for the last time. I had just quit my job and my house was already sold to a nice elderly couple. When they had asked me where I was going I had answered, "Back to my roots." I smiled ironically. _A little bending of the truth never harmed anyone._

My mind returned to more pressing matters. Maybe walking home on my high heels wasn't such a good idea. My feet were killing me. I took off my shoes and moved to the grass on the side of the road, lifting my face to catch the warm summer rays. I smiled. Against all odds I had been happy here.

No one here knew who I was, of course. All they knew was that I was from Britain. Just a woman who needed a change. _Well, no truth-bending there,_ a sarcastic little voice said. The inhabitants of the village had accepted me after they saw I had accepted them. Their straightforwardness and averse of intrigue and deceit appealed to me. Intrigue and deceit, I had seen enough of that for the rest of my life.

There were certain things my neighbours didn't know about me. Certain things about my past, my family, my kind… They didn't know my real name either. I was very good at hiding those things from them and they accepted there were certain things I didn't want to talk about. The old ladies of the town all thought I had been through some tragic love affair that was still painful for me to talk about. It was true, in a way, but certainly not the way they thought.

Twenty minutes later I reached my house. It was a small cottage with plastered walls, red tiles, and an abundantly growing garden for which I could take no credit at all. I owed it all to my neighbour's green fingers. Inside the cottage it was cool and dim. Suitcases and trunks were lying around. I stood still in the middle of the living room and bit my lip. There was one thing I had to do first.

I climbed the stairs and walked into my bedroom. I opened a drawer, reaching all the way to the back of it. There was a small object taped to the wood. I took it out and looked at my wand. I hadn't used it for many years. When I'd disappeared I had thought it best not to use any magic, fearing someone would pick up my trail.

Slowly I turned to the suitcase lying on my bed, recognising the opportunity to practise I pointed my wand at the wardrobe and demanded, "_Pack!"_ Clothes flew out and folded themselves neatly in the suitcase. _Not bad,_ I thought. I repeated the spell on the drawer and the bathroom. Several other objects landed safely in the suitcase too. I closed it and took it downstairs, leaving it near the door to go into the living room again.

Within minutes I had packed everything I needed in another suitcase and put it next to the other near the door. My dinner-service, tea-sets, cutlery, and glasses were wrapping themselves in old newspapers and storing themselves in boxes. I could store my belongings at my neighbours' for a while and Pierre would be here any minute. That moment I heard a knock on the door. I glanced around quickly and checked if everything had stopped moving on its own. I put my wand in one of the suitcases before I opened the door.

Pierre greeted me as jovially as always and kissed me on the cheeks. "_Chérie_, you mustn't leave. This town wouldn't be the same."

"Pierre, I have to go back to look after some things, you know that."

Pierre may not have been an old lady, but he _was_ old and had a romantic soul. He believed firmly in my tragic past.

"Oh well, I suppose you're right. But you can't blame a man for trying, _non_? Have you got everything packed?"

"Yes, I have."

"Let's get your things then." We put everything in his truck. The only things left in my house were the heavy furniture, which the buyers had agreed to buy along with the house.

"When will you leave?"

"Tonight." I glanced at the broom next to the front door. "My flight leaves tonight."

"Ah - well, you come with me now. Jeanne wishes to say goodbye too." Pierre's wife was tiny, slender, and very French. She chattered non-stop, making lots of gestures, bickered with her husband, whom she absolutely adored, and made me try all of her recipes, which were all exceptionally good.

"Oh, _ma petite_, I will miss you so much!" she exclaimed when I greeted her. She flung her arms around me and hugged me tightly. I wasn't tall, true, but Jeanne was almost a head shorter, so 'petite' had always struck me as a bit funny. When I had said that to her once, she had gestured my remark away and replied, "You are at least thirty-five years younger than me. You are petite." And that was her final point.

I smiled and hugged her back. "I will miss you too."

"Now, I have made you something to eat during the flight. You cannot eat that airplane food. _C'est dégoûtant_!" Jeanne, who had never been in an airplane in her life, was convinced that all food that did not take at least two hours to prepare was disgusting and not fit for consumption.

I groaned. "_I_ will miss you, Jeanne, but my figure won't! I have gained at least two hundred pounds since I came to live here."

"Well, that is a good thing. You were such a little, skinny girl when you came here," Jeanne answered motherly. I grinned. Jeanne was clearly exaggerating. I had never been skinny in my life. I had lost quite some weight before I came here, due to stress and illness, but my weight had re-established itself at its normal level after a while, with Jeanne's help.

I accepted Jeanne's invitation to dinner. I would not have been able to refuse, even if I'd wanted to. Afterwards, Pierre offered to take me to the airport, but I said I already had arranged transportation. Jeanne was crying when she waved me goodbye and I had a hard time swallowing away a big lump in my throat. She and her husband had made their village a home to me. Pierre drove me home again and walked me to the front door.

"Take good care of yourself, _chérie_, I don't want you to get hurt."

I smiled reassuringly and hugged the old man. "Don't worry, _mon ami_, I'll be careful."

"_Au revoir_."

"_Au revoir_, Pierre," I smiled through my tears. Slowly he walked to his pick-up truck, examining a rosebush on the way. He waved and drove away. I walked back into the house where I had lived for fifteen years.

I took my wand and a warm sweater out of the suitcase and fastened the suitcases to the broom, growing more more nervous every minute. For almost two years I had denied what was going on. Denial was very powerful and I was an expert at it.

I looked at my left forearm. Some things, however, refused to be denied indefinitely. The mark there had turned darker and darker, now burning painfully whenever he summoned his followers.

It was time to go back and finish what was started so long ago.


	2. Return

**Return**

The rattling coaches had just passed the gates of Hogwarts. Harry looked out of the window for his first glimpse of the castle. The welcoming sight of the school with its many turrets and brightly lit windows, however, brought no comfort for Harry. The loss of Sirius was like a gaping hole in his chest and pain was lurking inside of it, ready to stab at Harry's heart whenever he thought of his godfather.

Harry was looking a bit gaunt. He hadn't been able to eat or sleep well for months now. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Sirius disappear behind the veil. Harry's imagination had added grey and slimy claws creeping out from behind the veil trying to snatch Sirius away from the people who loved him. Every night Harry woke up, screaming, "No! Don't touch him! Let him go!"

During the summer, he had wandered around dolefully, Ron and Hermione unable to comfort him or cheer him up. Even the clearing of Sirius's name seemed empty and meaningless to Harry and left him raging inside. It was all too late!

The prospect of going back to Hogwarts at least invoked some positive reaction in Harry, but now he was seeing the Hogwarts lights, he realized how foolish it had been to expect that this would make everything better.

Hermione, noticing Harry's face had become even more miserable, said in a falsely cheerful voice, "I wonder who the new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher will be."

Ron sniggered. "With our luck it'll be Cornelius Fudge. He's still looking for a new job, isn't he?"

Fudge had been 'released of his duties as Minister of Magic' and indeed was unemployed at the moment. That fact brought a slight smile to Harry, although he felt Fudge deserved a whole lot worse.

Completely serious Hermione replied, "I don't think Dumbledore will allow anyone from the Ministry as a teacher ever again."

"Oh, you'd think?" Ron commented sarcastically. Hermione chose not to answer and stared out of the window.

After the Sorting Hat had given off another warning and placed the first-years into their Houses, Dumbledore rose from his seat. Silence immediately fell over all the tables.

"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts. Firstly, to our first-year students, you should know that The Forbidden Forest is strictly out of bound for all students. I strongly advise our other students to take notice of this as well. Secondly, our caretaker Mr. Filch has asked me to inform you that magic is not allowed in the hallways and that all banned items found within school territory will be confisquated immediately. A detailed list of banned items can be found at Mr. Filch's office."

He paused for a moment. "As you all know, the wizarding world is facing a great threat. Voldemort has returned and has finally come out into the open." There was a collective flinch and several little shrieks of fear. Draco Malfoy looked around the Hall smirking, Harry noticed. He felt his temper rise and wanted to walk over to the Slytherin table and plant his fist right in Malfoy's face.

Dumbledore had continued, however, and Harry turned his attention to the Headmaster. "Therefore our staff and myself feel the need to prepare and train you for what is outside of these walls. As such, I am pleased to introduce our new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher: professor Niamh Carden."

A rather small witch got up out of her seat and made a elegant bow to the students.

"Wicked!" Ron reacted. The witch seemed quite young, with red-golden curls loosely pinned up at the back of her head. She had very pale skin, which made the dark blue of her eyes seem like pools. She had a sharp, straight nose, which would have been severe even, if it hadn't been for her full, curved mouth that gave her a more friendly appearance. That was not what caught Ron's attention, though. The witch was wearing a deep blue dress that fitted her tightly and showed off the curves of her body.

An appreciative round of applause was coming from the tables and the new teacher sat down again.

"Well, it's safe to assume that Defence is going to be much more interesting this year," Ron said cheerfully to Harry, without taking his eyes of professor Carden. Hermione rolled her eyes.

Harry was looking at Snape with a frown. "Guys, look at Snape." Ron and Hermione turned their heads and looked at the Potions master, who had both his hands clenched around the edge of the table and sat up straight. He was even paler than usual and was staring at something only he could see.

"He looks like someone who's just had a stick shoved up his - " Ron decided to leave the last word unspoken after a glance at Hermione, who gave him a reproachful look.

"I wonder what's the matter with him," she pondered.

"Well, I don't care, but since Carden doesn't seem to be a friend of Snape's, I like her already." Ron replied.

"Yeah, for that reason alone, I bet," Hermione muttered under her breath.

Meanwhile, Dumbledore had finished his speech and food appeared on the tables. There was a loud buzzing around the Hall as the students began to chat.

"_Neev_, what kind of name is that?" Lavender Brown said in an unpleasant voice.

"It's an Irish name, of course," Hermione said out loud, so that Lavender heard her and shot her a murky look.

Seamus nodded. "Niamh is not that uncommon where I come from."

Ron glanced at Hermione. "And how would _you_ know that? Never mind, why do I even ask?" he added before Hermione could open her mouth to start about the benefits of reading.

Harry looked at the new professor. She was talking cordially with professor McGonagall, who seemed to be quite taken with her. Snape was still sitting unnaturally straight, keeping his eyes to his plate. He didn't even bother to shot nasty glances at Harry, which was a distinct sign something wrong with him.

Harry looked around the Hall and saw that most of the boys were staring at their new professor. The girls seemed to be divided into a group that admired the young witch and a group that was altogether not amused that the boys' attention had turned towards a _teacher._

Draco Malfoy was also looking at professor Carden, but with an expression of utter disgust on his face. Harry was beginning to feel more and more curious about this new figure at Hogwarts.

* * *

The next morning at breakfast, after another sleepless night, Harry was handed his timetable. Ron gasped. "Look! We've got double DADA on Mondays and Fridays. We've never had that much class." 

"And Charms has been doubled too," Hermione added. "Well, it's quite logical I think. Dumbledore said it was important we were trained properly."

"Yeah, but what good is Charms going to be? I can't imagine myself Wingardium Leviosa-ing my way out of a duel," Ron sniggered.

Hermione shot him a deadly glance. "Charms are very useful, even though they don't involve flashes and sparks, Ron. Or have you forgotten about my Protean Charm?" she said haughtily. Ron shrugged and muttered something under his breath that was thankfully unintelligable.

After lunch the Gryffindors and Slytherins gathered at the DADA class room. Professor Carden arrived a few minutes later and opened the door. There was a shocked silence coming from the students. Carden, noticing something, turned around in the doorway and asked, "What is the matter?"

Seeing everybody stare at her, she understood. "Honestly, you can't expect me to run around casting spells with all those skirts flying around me, do you?" She rolled her eyes and walked into the classroom. Harry grinned and so did most other Gryffindors. Carden had not buttoned up her robes and underneath them a pair of jeans and a black jacket were showing.

"I am professor Carden. Professor Dumbledore asked me to take up the post of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher and I was happy to accept. As you no doubt will have noticed, you have a lot of hours in my classroom on your timetable, which I thought was very important. I will also start a Duelling Club at Wednesday evenings in the Great Hall. You may sign up after class."

Carden looked around her class that was still staring at her with some befuddlement. "To round up introductions I am going to run by the name list." She sat herself on her desk and read from the top. All students were present and she seemed to know most names. When she read out Harry's name and looked at him she smiled. Harry smiled back.

"Ah, Ronald Weasley. You have some famous brothers, I believe. Professor Flitwick gave me a tour and took me to the swamp first thing." The class grinned. Fred and George had certainly made an exit last year.

"And Blaise Zabini." There was a strange note in Carden's voice that she had also had when she read Malfoy's name.

"Well," Carden continued, "I have been informed that you have had some... er... _unusual_ teachers for this subject. I will try to do my best to live up to them. I take it that you are well acquainted with the _theory _on this subject," she added disapprovingly, referring to Umbridge, "although I hear some of you have had a lot of practice too." She glanced at several DA-members and the corners of her mouth twitched.

"For the next couple of weeks we will be revising all spells from the last five years." The class groaned. "These spells will come up in the Duelling Club as well." She pointed her wand at the blackboard and a list of ten spells appeared. "These are the spells for this week. Friday your ability with these spells will be tested. I expect you to practise. Take out your wands, please, and form pairs."

After class the Gryffindors gathered at the greenhouses for Herbology, talking about Defence Against the Dark Arts and its teacher.

"I thought it was a shame she didn't teach us anything new, but I am so glad she didn't make us do theory. I have had enough of that for the rest of my life," Parvati Patil sighed.

"I think it's very clever of her to do some revising first, so that she can see how we do for herself," Hermione added. "Did you sign up for the Duelling Club?"

"Of course I did. I want all the practice I can get." Everybody agreed. They had all signed up. Then professor Sprout called them in and they dropped the subject.

* * *

After a couple of days of buzzing excitement the school had gotten used to Carden's unconventionally friendly way of teaching and calmed down. The Duelling Club was a great success with over a hundred and fifty members. Carden had had to split the Club in two and now the first four years were duelling on Tuesdays and the fifth-, sixth- and seventh-years remained on Wednesday evenings. 

Carden and Flitwick had given a spectacular demonstration, quite unlike the one that Lockhart and Snape had, and Flitwick was often found in the Great Hall during Club hours to help the students.

Four weeks later, revision had ended and Carden started teaching Protection Spells. "You all know _Expelliarmus _very well, but you still need to know what to do when somebody has already cast a spell at you. We will begin with the most basic Protection Spell. It will conjure up a shield that deflects the spell. You hold your wand close to you, like this, pointing upwards, and you say, _Protego! _Repeat after me."

"_Protego!"_ the class said.

"Very good. Now I want you to try to conjure up the shield a couple of times and then form pairs. One person will cast a spell on the other, who has to deflect it with the shield. Mind you, only use spells to disarm your opponent!"

It was a fairly easy spell, so that everybody mastered it within the hour.

"Very good, everybody! I am impressed. We will be repeating this spell quite a few times this year, and I advise you to keep practising with it. The more familiar you are with it, the more powerful your shield will beome. Now, we have some time left, so I would like to continue with the Invertio Spell. Cast this spell and any spell cast on you will bounce back to the caster."

"Really?" Malfoy's drawling voice was full of contempt. "How about the Unforgivable Curses? You can't protect yourself from those, can you?" he sniggered.

Carden looked at him with a look so chilling the temperature dropped with ten degrees. There seemed to be something going on between them Harry didn't understand. Carden turned at the rest of the class. "Indeed you can't. You just run - or suffer," she winked. The class laughed nervously.

"Now, about these Unforgivable Curses, we will practice fighting off the Imperius Curse later, but first things first. Repeat after me, _Inverto!" _The class obeyed. They practised on each other for a couple of minutes, until class ended.

"Harry, can I have a word with you?" Carden asked when most students had left.

"Yes, professor." Harry looked at Ron and Hermione. "I'll see you outside." He turned to Carden again.

"Professor Dumbledore asked me to teach you Occlumency. I heard you've had some experience already, but he thought it better if I continued."

"You are an Occlumens?" Harry was surprised.

Carden smiled. "Yes, I am." Her voice indicated she did not want to elaborate. "How about Thursday evenings?"

"I have Quidditch training on Thursdays."

"I see. Well, when do you have some free time then?"

"Mondays would be fine." Harry wasn't used to teachers speaking so familiarly to him and he wasn't sure how to react to it.

"Mondays it is then. Seven o'clock, in this room."

Harry nodded.

"Bye, Harry."

Goodbye, professor."

* * *

The next Monday Harry walked to the DADA class room at seven, finding professor Carden waiting for him. 

"Good evening, Harry," Carden greeted him. Harry greeted back. He stared around the room. There were a couple of cushions lying around and Carden was holding two long and thin candles in her hands. The contrast with Snape's dungeon could not be greater.

She gestured at the cushions. "Take a seat." Harry sat carefully on a large cushion.

"Tonight I am going to teach you some ways of meditation, Harry. It is very important that you know how to clear your head."

Harry nodded. He already knew this from Snape, but he had never managed it properly. He wondered what Carden was going to try on him. She sat opposite of him and gave him one of the candles.

"_Incendio." _She had pointed her wand at Harry's candle and it lit up. "I want you to look at the candle and focus all your attention to it. Let your breath go in and out slowly." Harry started to stare at the candle and immediately felt his eyes burn.

"You may blink, you know," Carden said dryly. "Just try to limit it. Concentrate on your breathing."

Harry felt ridiculous, but after a while the concentrating became easier and more natural. He didn't have to pay as much attention to his breathing and his thoughts wandered off. Carden noticed it and said in a soft voice, "If you have any thoughts, just look at them, examine them, and set them aside."

Several thoughts passed him by and he tried to do what Carden said, feeling like an idiot at first, but slowly it became sort of fun to examine all his thoughts and feelings of the past day. After a long time he felt relaxed and at ease. He started smiling and kept on looking at the candle.

"Harry, I want you to look inside and see your soul. The place where all your feelings come from, where your memories are stored. Try to picture it as a real place inside of you."

Surprisingly fast, Harry managed to picture his soul inside of him. He saw it as a small boll of light.

"Good, Harry." Carden's voice sounded deep and soft. "Now shield that place. Make it stronger. A place only you can enter."

Harry wondered how he should do that and decided to build a brick wall around it. To his surprise he could actually see a wall being built around the boll of light.

"Alright, I think we have done enough for one night. Harry, slowly move away. Focus your attention on the candle again." Somewhat amazed Harry realized he hadn't seen the candle for quite some time. Now he focussed his eyes on it again.

"Good, exhale deeply and let go of your concentration."

Harry felt his concentration slip off him like a cloak. He looked at Carden, who smiled at him. "That was excellent, Harry. I take it that you feel relaxed?"

"Yes, I do. It was great. I didn't know I could do stuff like that."

"Well, you'll be doing that stuff a lot, because it's important that you get the hang of it. Take these candles and practise every night. If you feel awkward, try and teach your friend Ron to do it. It could be important for him to learn too." Carden got up and smoothened her skirt. "Well, good night and I will see you in class."

Harry said goodnight and left the room.

* * *

Several weeks later Harry was on his way to Carden's classrooms for another Occlumency lesson, but when he had almost reached the door he heard an unpleasant voice. One that he would recognize anywhere. He stopped dead in his tracks. 

"I've received a letter from Lucius, Niamh," Snape said softly. Harry felt his stomach lurch. Carden was on first name terms with Snape and Lucius Malfoy?

It certainly seemed so when Carden replied to Snape, "Oh, really? All the way from Azkaban? I'm flattered. And what did he have to say, Severus?"

"You've been discovered. They know who the new Hogwarts teacher really is."

Thoughts swirled through Harry's head. _Who she really is? Does she know Lucius Malfoy? If she is acquainted with Lucius Malfoy, would she also be acquainted with his Death Eater friends? She did seem to know Snape as well. _

Carden snorted. "This is supposed to scare me?" Her voice was icy and scornful. "Besides, I'm teaching under my own name, so it was only a matter of time until they remembered me."

"And Dumbledore is fine with this?"

"Well, you know Dumbledore, Severus. Always the optimist. He thinks it'll turn out fine. He even believes in second chances." Carden gave a chilling chuckle. "You should know that."

"Niamh…"

"What you did to deserve one will always be a mystery to me." There was an odd note to her voice.

"You know I can't - "

Carden cut Snape off and said, "Look, Potter will be here any second for Occlumency. You had better go."

"Very well. Just remember the warning. Lucius told me to keep a close eye on you. You don't have anything to fear from me, but there may be others…"

"I'll watch my back. But I'm sure Dumbledore has already spoken to the other teachers, so I won't have to worry about any unexpected revenge actions here."

Snape muttered something, but it was too soft for Harry to understand. Next he heard Snape's footsteps coming out of the class room and Harry hid himself quickly in an alcove.

After Snape had swept past him, Harry went into the class room cautiously. He had really liked the new teacher, but now it seemed she was hiding something. She could be dangerous. She had already caught most teachers in her web. Harry thought about Flitwick, who she seemed to be friends with, and even McGonagall had been charmed by this woman. All the students adored her. Harry knew he had to be very careful around her.

"Good evening, Harry."

Harry turned around swiftly. Carden was standing behind him. She frowned. "Are you okay? You seem nervous."

Harry tried to calm his beating heart. That witch had scared him out of his wits.

"I'm fine."

Carden nodded. "Did practice go well?"

_Practice! _If Carden was working with Death Eaters, maybe she was helping them by influencing Harry with Occlumency. He suddenly remembered her remarks about Ron learning Occlumency as well. She could be after Ron too.

"It went very well." He kept his voice flat.

"Alright, let's do some defence then. I will try to penetrate your mind and you will repel me. In a few weeks we'll start working on shielding your mind without the intruder noticing."

Harry goggled at her. "Is that possible?"

"Yes. It's quite advanced, of course, but we are going to try that too."

Harry's mind wandered off again. If Carden could shield her mind without letting anyone know it, even Dumbledore could be fooled by her. He wondered if Snape could do the same.

"Now, take a seat, Harry." Carden still seemed to be a bit agitated by Snape's visit. "I want you to meditate again first." She handed him a candle again and Harry focussed on the candle.

After several minutes Harry had cleared his head and felt relaxed.

"Good. I'll attack you and you fight me off. Don't forget to use the Protego or Invertio Spell. Are you ready?"

Harry gave a slight nod.

Carden pointed her wand at him. "_Legilimens_!"

Immediately Harry felt images soaring through his mind. The beginning of term, his summer holiday, Ron, Hermione, Sirius - Harry panicked. "No!" he screamed. "_INVERTO_!"

Carden, still a bit distracted, wasn't prepared for such a huge counter attack and was hit by the bouncing spell. Without warning Harry saw images that weren't his own. He saw Dumbledore's office, where a lot of teachers were gathered. Carden was also present. They were all talking to each other. Suddenly the door swung open and Snape came in. He saw Carden and stopped dead in the doorway. His face became deadly white as he stared at the woman in shock.

"Niamh," he said with difficulty.

The witch smiled, but it was a cold smile. "Well, well, Severus, and how are you these days?"

"Where? How?" Snape was completely confused.

"I decided to apply for the job of teacher Defence Against the Dark Arts and professor Dumbledore was kind enough to hire me. I suppose we are colleagues now." Niamh Carden's blue eyes gleamed unpleasantly.

Harry was pushed back. "Well, you certainly caught me by surprise." Carden smiled. "I suppose I should pay more attention next time."

Carden pointed her wand at him again and asked, "Ready?"

Harry nodded and Carden said, "_Legilimens!_"

Harry struggled to keep his attention focussed on repelling the spell, but he was distracted by Carden's memories. He needed to talk to Ron and Hermione.

After a few attempts by Carden she gave up and sent him back to the Gryffindor tower to practise meditation some more.

Harry walked out of the room and broke into a run. Panting he reached the portrait of the Fat Lady. "Mandragora," he said. The portrait swayed open and Harry climbed inside.

Ron and Hermione were doing their homework at the table. Harry sat himself next to them and muttered, "I need to talk to you." Hermione looked up curiously at the tone of his voice. "It's about Carden," he added.

"What is it?" Ron asked.

"Snape was in her office when I got there. I overheard them talking. They seemed to know each other pretty well." Harry paused. "I think Carden may be a Death Eater."

"That's ridiculous. Dumbledore would know that." Ron said defiantly. He simply refused to believe his favourite teacher was a Death Eater.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. But then she told me something about Occlumency. An advanced Occlumens can keep a Legilimens out of his head without the intruder noticing that he is being repelled. She can do that, Ron, Carden can keep Dumbledore out of her head."

"But still," Hermione said, "that doesn't make her a Death Eater."

"No, it doesn't, but Snape was talking to her about Lucius Malfoy. The three of them are on first name terms, by the way. Snape told Carden about a letter he had received from Malfoy, about her being discovered. They had found out who she really was. Carden said that was just a matter of time since she was teaching here under her own name and that Dumbledore had already spoken to the teachers, so she's not worrying about revenge actions."

Ron goggled. "Revenge actions? From the teachers? Bloody hell, she really must have done something bad. But why would Dumbledore allow a Death Eater inside Hogwarts walls?"

"He believes in second chances," Harry said darkly. "It's what Carden said to Snape. She also asked him what he did to deserve _his _second chance."

"I wonder about that too," Hermione pondered.

"That's not all," Harry interrupted her. "When we were practising Occlumens I cast a spell to fight her off and I saw a memory of hers. She was in Dumbledore's office with almost every teacher, except Snape. He came in later and when he saw Carden he turned white as a ghost and was completely shocked to see her."

"Well, that makes sense," Ron said. "If she really is a Death Eater, Snape would never have expected to see her there as a new teacher. And since he is a spy for the Order, it would mean serious danger for him. She could expose him as a traitor to You-Know-Who. So that's why he was acting so strange the night of the feast."

"I don't know," Hermione hesitated.

"And if she concocted some story about her not being a Death Eater anymore, and Dumbledore is fooled by her Occlumency skills, who knows what she's really up to!"

Hermione still looked doubtful. Harry looked at her angrily. _Why didn't she believe him?_ You'd think that after five years of Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers with secrets he'd be able to recognize an evil one if he saw one.

"You know what I am going to do?" she said slowly. "I am going to the library."

"Why am I not surprised?" Ron sneered.

Hermione looked coolly at him. "I am going to look up her name. She said she was teaching under her own name, so there must be something I can find about her." Hermione got up and left the two boys sitting at the table.

"Well, I suppose that could be a good idea," Ron admitted sourly.

Two hours later, Hermione climbed back in the common room, looking apprehensive. Quickly she walked over to the big, winged chairs Harry and Ron were sitting in.

"I found something on her," she whispered. There were still a few students in the common room. Harry and Ron bent over to her. She pulled up a chair and said, "I looked her up in the Hogwarts student list. Guess what house she was in?"

"It's Slytherin, isn't it?"

"It is." Hermione sounded worried. "She actually was in the same year as your parents, Harry. So she was in the same year and house as Snape. Also, I looked up some trial reports from the period around V-Voldemort's fall, but there was nothing on _her_. However, I did found something on a man called Rowan Carden, who was also in Slytherin, but a year older. He was killed by Aurors in a fight with Death Eaters."

Ron whispered. "Do you suppose he was her brother?"

"I wasn't completely sure, so I looked up the name Carden in _Ancient Wizarding Families from the British Isles_. Rowan Carden was indeed her brother. She also has a younger sister, Deirdre, who is married to Orion Zabini, uncle to our very own Blaise Zabini. Deirdre was also a Slytherin, as are the entire Zabini family."

Ron was opening and closing his mouth, clearly unable to deal with the fact his favourite teacher had a somewhat sinister past.

"The name Carden is very old," Hermione continued. "It goes back to even before the Dark Ages and they've always been a wizarding family. They are definitely purebloods. The meaning of the name is 'from the dark fortress'. It refers to a legend of powerful wizards who did unspeakable things, but who could not be defeated due to the immense fortress they lived in."

Ron gasped in horror.

"There was also something about professor Carden's mother." Hermione glanced over her shoulder, looking uneasy. Neville was reading a Herbology book just a few feet away. "Her name is Astarte Lestrange. Rodolphus and Rabastan Lestrange are professor Carden's cousins."

Harry also looked at Neville. Rodolphus was married to Bellatrix Lestrange. She and her husband and brother-in-law had tortured Neville's parents into insanity. Neville obviously did not know about Carden's family, because he loved professor Carden and her lessons.

Harry felt slightly sick and outraged by Carden's behaviour. She always seemed to have a friendly word for Neville and encouraged him to practise his DADA. What was she doing? Preparing him for the day her cousins would finish their job by killing off the Longbottoms' son?

"There also is a lot of intermarriage between the Cardens and the Malfoys." Hermione sighed. "I hate to say it, Harry, but I think you are right about professor Carden." Hermione didn't like to admit it, because she had been very much impressed by professor Carden, but this proof put her in a very bad light.

Harry stared in the fire brooding over what he should do.

"We have to be cautious around her. Especially you, Harry, during your Occlumency lessons," Ron voiced Harry's thoughts.

"Shouldn't we tell Dumbledore?" Hermione asked concerned.

"What for? If she has fooled him before, she'll do it again. He also trusts Snape, remember?"

Hermione bit her lip. "I suppose you're right. We'll just have to be extremely cautious."


	3. Complications

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter ( I wish...), or Ron, or Hermione, or Snape, or... oh, well, you catch my drift...

**Author's note: **My first Harry Potter fanfic, please R&R!

* * *

**Complications**

The next couple of weeks were a bit of an anticlimax. Carden didn't seem up to anything and Harry's Occlumency advanced rapidly without any suspicious events, although Carden had closed herself off from him firmly. Harry didn't get to see anymore of her memories, even though he tried.

Quidditch season had started again and training went quite well. Ginny had been chosen a Chaser, along with a fourth year named Simon McMahon. Katie Bell was the third Chaser and Captain, Ron was still Keeper. Andrew Kirke had left the team so they were one Beater short. The auditions for a new one were particularly tricky, because everybody still had Fred and George close in mind. In the end a tall boy from Ginny's year was chosen. He had excellent aiming skills, but was immediately put on a strict training regime by Katie to grow some muscle power.

The week before term ended Harry, Ron, and Hermione were discussing their Christmas plans in the DADA classroom. Harry and Hermione had been invited at The Burrow and they had agreed to come. The rest of the class was still buzzing about Gryffindor's victory over Hufflepuff. Katie Bell had displayed a very new but capable team and was now the new hero in the Gryffindor common room.

Suddenly professor Carden rushed inside, looking very worried. She was clutching her left forearm.

"Class, I'm afraid I have to dismiss you early. Some unexpected business has come up. Happy Christmas and I'll see you after the holidays." And without further ado, she stepped outside again and hurried off.

Draco Malfoy narrowed his eyes maliciously at the empty doorway, but no one except Harry seemed to notice.

"Right, that was weird," Ron said out loud.

The Gryffindors and Slytherins got up, puzzled mumbling filling the class room.

"Did you see the way she was holding her arm?" Hermione whispered. "Doesn't it remind you of something?"

Harry remembered Snape pulling up his sleeve to show Fudge his left forearm and a sign on Wormtail's left forearm burnt black by Voldemort's finger.

"Hold on," he said. "Do you think it's the Mark?"

"Yes, obviously. V-Voldemort – oh, get a grip, Ron – must be up to something. No doubt he is summoning his Death Eaters. Let's see if we can find Snape, then we'll know for sure."

They set off in the direction of the dungeons and saw Carden enter the Potions class room. A second later the Potions master followed the DADA teacher out into the hallway. They were heading for the staircase. Ron, Harry and Hermione quickly followed and were bewildered when they saw the two teachers stop in front of the entrance to Dumbledore's office. Snape muttered the password and he disappeared through the doorway, Carden right behind him.

"What is going on?" Ron frowned.

"I don't know," Hermione answered, "but I don't think we'll find out here. Let's just pack our things."

Slowly they walked to the common room.

* * *

Mrs. Weasley, Fred, George, and Mad-Eye Moody were waiting for them at the station. Mrs. Weasley was waving at them frantically and pulled them all in a tight hug. 

"Jeez, mum, what is going on?" Ron demanded while he pulled away from George who was trying to imitate his mother, only with a pair of knuckles rubbing his brother's skull to dust involved.

"I am just glad you're all alright," Mrs. Weasley sighed.

"And why exactly wouldn't we be okay?" Ron asked, baffled by his mother's behaviour.

Moody turned his magical eye to him and said, "Nymphadora Tonks was attacked yesterday after she left work. Fortunately we had received a warning beforehand so we were there in time to rescue her."

"We'll be spending Christmas at Headquarters, so we can visit her in St.Mungo's."

Hermione said shocked, "Will she be all right?"

"Yes, she'll be up and about in a few days, but for the time being it's safer for you lot to stay at Headquarters."

Mrs. Weasley shot a reproving look at her son who had made the comment.

"What?" Fred reacted to his mother's glare. "You're going to have to come up with better excuses than that, mum, if you want to try and keep Order stuff from them."

"Come on," Moody growled. "Lupin's waiting by the car."

"Lupin's here?" Harry's spirit, darkened by the prospect of having to spend time in his godfather's house, lifted again when he saw professor Lupin, who greeted him with a firm handshake.

"So, are you two in the Order as well?" Harry asked George, who was sitting next to him in the magically enlarged car.

"Yeah, of course." George winked at Harry. "By the way, our shop is coming in really handy. We get loads of information just by listening to costumers."

They kept on chatting until they reached Headquarters. Moody got out first, his magical eye spinning nauseatingly fast. When he declared all was safe, the rest of them got out and collected their luggage from the trunk of the car. They walked to the front door quickly and walked inside very quietly. They managed to get their luggage upstairs without waking Mrs. Black and tiptoed to the kitchen, where Mrs. Weasley was preparing a meal for them.

Mr. Weasley and Lupin were talking to Fred and George. Mundungus Fletcher was taking a nap in a big chair and was snoring loudly, much to Mrs. Weasley's irritation.

After dinner they went to St. Mungo's for a short visit. Tonks was feeling fine, she said, that son of a hag that had cursed her had just caught her by surprise. She would be out in two days.

"So, is Charlie coming over for Christmas?" Tonks asked innocently. Fred and George's faces simultaneously split into a devilish grin.

"He should arrive tomorrow," Mr. Weasley said smiling.

Fred and George were singing something under their breath that sounded a lot like 'Tonks and Charlie sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes l…'

"Oh, sod it, you two," Ginny scolded them with a stern look. "Grow up."

"No thank you, we don't think we will," Fred said politely.

"But we appreciate the suggestion," George added.

"Be sure, we'll keep it in mind, Miss," Fred continued.

"If you have any further suggestions, please let us know."

Ginny rolled her eyes, while Tonks was fidgeting with her sheets, looking flushed. Harry grinned.

"Bill is also coming," Mrs. Weasley told Tonks, "and he's bringing Fleur with him. She joined the Order a few months ago."

"Niamh will like that," Arthur Weasley said. "She'll have someone to speak French with. She has been complaining it's slipping so fast."

Harry sat upright in his chair. "Niamh? You mean professor Carden? Is she coming over too? But she is…"

"She is in the Order too, Potter, didn't you know?" Moody growled.

"Nobody tells us anything around here; of course we don't know." Ron looked angry and slightly confused. Niamh 'seemed-nice-teacher-but-turned-out-Slytherin-with-nasty-dark-past' Carden was in the Order?

But where did she get that Mark? Harry didn't know what to make of it. Could it still be all a trick on her part? He noticed Hermione was musing on the same thing.

The group chatted for another half hour and left.

"See you tomorrow, Tonks," Fred said, while George was making kissing sounds. "Don't worry, we'll bring Charlie for you. I'm sure he'll tell you how much he has missed you." Laughing he ducked away from a chocolate Tonks threw at his head.

On their way to the elevator, Harry asked Ginny, "Are they seeing each other?"

"Well, they don't see a lot of each other, because Charlie is still working in Romania, but sparks are flying all over the place whenever he is here." Ginny sounded very content.

"And I caught them snogging last summer," George added. "That sort of was an indication too."

"George!" his mother exclaimed. "Language!"

"You're right, mum, it wasn't snogging. It was more like making out."

Harry and Ron tried to hide their laughter as Mrs. Weasley told her son off.

Only a few minutes after they had returned from St. Mungo's the doorbell rang. A loud howling came from the entrance hall while Mrs. Weasley hurried to the door. A minute later professor Carden came into the kitchen.

"Well, she certainly hasn't changed," she said with a glance at the kitchen door and the hallway behind it. "Bit louder though." With a pained expression Carden rubbed her ear. Then she looked at Lupin and said, "Hi, Remus."

"Hello, Niamh. I'm glad you came back."

With a quivering smile she looked at him, walked over to him, and flung her arms around him. Lupin hugged her back. Harry's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.

"Merlin, it's so strange to be here," Carden said softly. She looked around the kitchen shaking her head slightly in disbelief.

"How long have you known about - " Lupin asked tentatively.

"Not long, but we'll talk about it later," Carden answered. She turned to the others in the kitchen en greeted them.

"Where is Molly?" Arthur Weasley asked while he shook Carden's hand.

"Oh, she and Charlie are still trying to soothe Mrs. Black. The old hag started screaming even louder when she saw me, so I headed out here. It's good to see you, Arthur."

"You too, but did you say Charlie is already here? I thought he would arrive tomorrow."

"That was his plan, he said, but he was in a tremendous hurry to get here. We met on the way here. Something about Nymphadora being attacked - would that be Andromeda's daughter?"

"Yes, the one who was attacked yesterday. She and my son are - "

Fred opened his mouth for no doubt another improper comment, but Mr. Weasley cut him off. "That will do, Fred."

Fred sulked.

"Ah, I understand," Carden smiled.

"Niamh, would you like something to eat?" Mrs. Weasley asked as she walked into the kitchen.

"Yes, Molly, that would be lovely. Let me help you."

"No, no, you must be exhausted. Find yourself a seat. Do you want something as well, Charlie?"

Charlie nodded. He seemed very worried about Tonks.

"Charlie, Tonks is fine. We just came back from a visit and she'll be out by Monday," Ginny said softly.

Her brother gave her a tiny smile. "It's just the fact that she got attacked and I wasn't there to do anything about it." He looked at Carden. "Thanks for the warning."

Carden shrugged. "At least that thing is good for something. Besides, it was Severus who found out what they were up to. I can't exactly walk up to them and ask what the plan is, can I?"

Lupin laughed softly. "Still, I would like to see their faces if you did just that."

Carden grinned slowly. "It would certainly be interesting."

The younger people around the table all looked confused. Carden, who noticed it, explained, "I used to spy for the Order. I got in Voldemort's ranks pretty far – I even became a Death Eater -- but... er..." A shadow fleeted across her face for a second, but she blinked and said somewhat apologetic, "That's how I got the Mark."

"But -- but wouldn't V-Voldemort try to kill you if he knew you worked for the Order?" Hermione asked very softly, not sure whether she should ask this.

Professor Carden hesitated for a moment. "Of course he would." Her voice suddenly sounded very flat and detached and Carden seemed to be staring at something in the distance.

Lupin quickly interjected, "Molly, what is that you're making? It smells deliciously."

The conversation switched to Mrs. Weasley's excellent cooking skills, but Harry kept looking at Carden unrevealing face. Feeling cold inside, he thought she must have still been very young when she started her dangerous profession. His parents' age, only a few years older than he was now.

* * *

The next morning, Harry and Ron went downstairs for breakfast, when they heard voices in the salon. 

"When did you find out about him?" Lupin asked.

"It was only after I got back to London. I had cut myself off thoroughly from the wizarding world after -- Well, anyway, Dumbledore told me what had happened the last three years. I didn't even know he had escaped," Carden said in a strangled voice.

Harry frowned. This was about Sirius.

"I feel so guilty, Remus."

"Don't. None of us knew what really had happened that night. We all thought Sirius was the Secret Keeper."

"So it was Peter all along?"

"Yes." Lupin spoke very softly. "Apart from James and Lily, you do realize what -- "

"Yeah, of course I do," Carden hissed furiously. "It's not something you forget easily."

Harry and Ron looked at each other. Did Wormtail have even more to answer for?

"And now it's all too late," Carden said with a hint of despair. "I can't believe we'll never have the chance to talk things through. If only I had come back sooner, but no, leave it to me to ignore the signs and the mark on my arm." She fell silent for a while.

"Remus, what happened that night?" Her voice was barely louder than a whisper.

Lupin sighed. "We were in the Department of Mysteries, because Harry had been lured there by Voldemort. He flew to London on Thestrals, can you believe it?"

Carden chuckled. "Talk about apples and trees."

"Anyway, when we got there, Harry and his friends had been fighting off Death Eaters for quite some time and they had retreated to the Department of Mysteries when we came in. Sirius was duelling with Bellatrix and you know how he gets, he was taunting her recklessly. She cast a Stunning Spell that hit him right in the chest and he fell through the Archway. Behind the veil."

Carden gasped in horror. "Oh God, I didn't know."

"Harry was devastated. Sirius was the closest thing to a father he had. He still doesn't look quite alright."

This was getting a bit too close for comfort, so Harry beckoned Ron to follow him into the kitchen. Harry thought about Carden, she seemed to have been close friends with Sirius and Lupin. Maybe even with his father.

A few minutes later Lupin and Carden also entered the kitchen. Carden looked a bit pale and Remus was even quieter than usual. Order members started to drop in for breakfast, chatting with each other. Carden stared broodingly at her plate.

That afternoon they went to St.Mungo's for another visit, which wasn't particularly interesting, since Tonks was in deep conversation with Charlie the whole time and paid no attention to anyone else.

* * *

The next day, after Mr. Weasley had left for work, Carden walked over to Harry. "Can I have a word with you, Harry?" 

"Sure, professor." Together they left the kitchen.

"There are some things I think you should know," Carden said carefully. Harry looked at her curiously.

"Haven't you ever wondered who your godmother is?"

"No, I haven't actually. No one ever told me, so I just thought I didn't have one." Harry glanced at Carden, who was trying very hard to look casual.

"Hold on, do you mean -- are _you _my godmother?" Harry asked incredulously. She nodded.

"But where have you been all those years?"

"I lived in France for over 15 years. I left the wizarding world after Voldemort disappeared. I can't tell you how sorry I am I wasn't there for you, but certain things had happened, so I just couldn't -- I couldn't come back."

"Things like what?" Harry asked, thinking about 11 years in Little Whinging and what could possibly justify leaving him there.

"Well, let's just say my work for the Order did not go well," Carden said dryly, "after which I left for France to be of use there. It was too dangerous for me to stay here. And I decided not to return after Voldemort's fall, because I -- I believed Sirius to be responsible for not only the death of two of my dearest friends, but also for being the reason I had to flee to France. I despised anything that had to do with wizards, because Sirius was…" Her voice faltered.

"He was what?" Harry pressed.

Carden pulled herself together. "I loved him."

Harry stopped dead. "WHAT?"

Carden smiled weakly. "Very much, in fact."

Harry stared incredulously at his professor. "Are you sure? Sirius never mentioned you. Ever. Did he love you?"

Carden's smile widened. "Oh, he did." Seeing Harry's frown, she said, "Let me start at the beginning."


	4. Reflections

**Reflections**

**Almost twenty years earlier…**

I was eyeing myself carefully in the mirror. I had just put on my favourite dress: a dark green gown of silk that seemed alive with black shadows in the soft light of candles. The neckline was off-shoulder and showed off a lot of my skin. Nothing indecent, of course. That would just upset people. I inspected my hair, which was held together loosely with silver pins. Several curls were framing my face. The red-golden colour contrasted perfectly with the dress, the chief reason for which it was chosen. With a piercing look at my reflection I warned my hair to behave itself and to try not to be the out of control mess it usually was.

I let my hands run over the tight bodice and smoothened the skirt. "Not bad," I said to my reflection.

"Indeed," the mirror answered back. "But you do need something around your neck, love."

"You're right," I said and walked to my dresser to pick up the fine silver necklace my father had given me for my sixteenth birthday. I fastened it around my neck.

'That's better," the mirror said, with a satisfied purr.

I smiled at my reflection. I was looking very much like a Slytherin, dressed in silver and green, but that hadn't been my goal. I just wanted to look as stunning as I could. _And after all, you _are_ a Slytherin_, a little voice added uncalled for.

"As if I need reminding," I said out loud.

"Sorry, dear?" the mirror asked.

"Never mind," I mumbled back. I had always been very proud of my inheritance as a pureblood, coming from one of the most ancient families of purebloods. The past six years at Hogwarts I had behaved exactly as people expected from a Slytherin. Conceited, haughty, arrogant, and with a thorough dislike for anything not pure-blooded or muggle-loving. Anybody not deemed worthy to associate with by my family could count on a firm dosis of derision from my part. I was, naturally, a charming friend to anyone who _was_ worthy. Yes, I was a daughter my father could be proud of.

And to complete the picture, I had managed to snare the heir of another important pureblood family: Lucius Malfoy. Or rather, my family had managed to snare his. I didn't mind. A few years older than I, Lucius was already on his way making a fine career at the Ministry of Magic. Once he inherited everything from his father, he would not be expected to work at all. But career looks good on a young wizard. It was widely acknowledged that we were to be married as soon as I graduated Hogwarts.

Merlin, were they shocked when I broke up with him last summer. I grinned at the thought of Lucius's face when I had told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. I still didn't know what in Merlin's name I was thinking when I did it, but the feeling of pure thrill intoxicated me even now. I had known full well he was just about to propose to me and the realisation of that had made me feel like I couldn't breathe. The thought of being Lucius's perfect pure-blood witch had been enough for me to lose all common sense. I had cut him off before he could actually propose and told him I wanted to break up with him.

His reaction proved without a doubt I had made the right choice. His cold, grey eyes narrowed in fury and with a deadly threat he hissed 'what the hell I was thinking.' That our marriage had been planned for years and that I couldn't back out now. That I was going against the wishes of both our families and not to mention those of the Dark Lord.

My grin vanished from my face and I looked myself in the eyes, feeling uneasy. I had come up with the plausible excuse that I felt I was too young and not yet ready for such a big step. I told Lucius and my parents that I needed some time to figure out what I wanted.

Thank Merlin for my overprotective mother, who immediately jumped to my side at the sight of her poor, troubled daughter. I am very good at acting, I must say. She persuaded my father, who had steam literally coming from his ears, to let me be and 'find my own way.' My mother has a nice feel for drama, yes, but there was not a doubt in her mind that I would come around soon. I had absolutely no intention of doing so, but she didn't need to know that.

But the reason I felt so uneasy was that my excuse, although not a blunt lie, was quite far from the truth. The truth was that at the beginning of my sixth year at Hogwarts I had opened my eyes. I started noticing a growing dislike in myself for the pure-blood superiority of my House and of my family.

Everywhere around me at school I saw other ways of life. People who were considered beneath me – that I considered beneath me – started to appeal to me. Mary Peterson, for example, who was a Muggleborn Ravenclaw, was incredibly intelligent and good-humoured and exceptionally good at Charms. James Potter, despite the fact that he was a nasty Mudblood lover who I had hexed many times, had a sense of humour that gave me such trouble keeping a straight face around him. When he wasn't using that sense of humour at my expence, that is.

Then there were his Muggle-loving friends, all of them pureblood or half-blood, but that didn't stop them from associating with Muggleborns. Peter Pettigrew, a small boy with mousy-coloured hair, Remus Lupin, always calm and considerate, and Sirius Black of course.

I snorted. Black was the most handsome student Hogwarts had seen in many years and always had a fan club of at least ten girls in his trail. Personally, I thought he just couldn't live without them. Idiot. With his tall and well-formed posture that even I could not deny, jet black hair that always seemed to do its best to make him even more attractive – I cast a gloomy look at my own untameable hair – and grey eyes that reflected whatever emotion he was feeling, he was gorgeous and he knew it. I rolled my eyes at the mirror.

The funny thing was that Black came from a family as ancient and prominent as my own. Being placed in Gryffindor, the first of his family in a House other than Slytherin – no, wait, the second one. I remembered the scandal his cousin Andromeda had caused when she was placed in Ravenclaw a couple of years earlier and the second scandal when she had married a Mudblood and had his child. A Mudblood. Disinherited, of course. A fate that had awaited Sirius as well. He didn't seem to have any problems with his new status, however, nor with the wrath of his family.

I myself shuddered at the thought of what might happen to me when my family found out about my disloyal feelings. And the shadow of the Dark Lord loomed even darker. With him gaining power every day and with my father in his inner circle I had no doubt what would happen to me if _he_ ever found out. Weaklings were removed without hesitation.

"Why do you look so pale, love?" the mirror asked surprised. I forced a smile on my face and shrugged my shoulders. "Well, have fun," it said then.

"Thanks."

That moment the door of the dormitory flew open and Lana Langdon, my best friend, burst in.

"Honestly, woman, how long do you need to get dressed? The ball will be over if we don't go now."

"Alright, don't eat your wand, I'm coming." I turned from the mirror and followed Lana to the common room.

I prepared myself for the grand entrée I had planned to show everyone – Slytherins – that there was nothing wrong with me. There was not a doubt in my mind that any strange behaviour of mine would be reported immediately. Most Slytherins I spent time with had parents that were either Death Eaters of something very similar. Here at Hogwarts I had nothing to fear from them, but their sons and daughters could make life very nasty for me. The green and silver of my outfit was a very good choice, I decided.

While we were walking through the long corridors to the Great Hall Lana kept on talking about her plans for tonight.

"I need a snog tonight. I don't care who it is, I need a good snog. I'll dry out if I'm not careful. Have you got any idea how long it has been since I've had one?"

"Yes, I have, two and half weeks," I replied dryly.

"My point exactly," Lana said and I tried not to laugh. Lana had a very healthy appetite for guys and no scruples whatsoever of letting people know that. As her best friend I was consulted regularly about her plans and intrigues. The results, of course, were discussed in detail.

Her reputation had spread beyond Hogwarts, there was no way it couldn't have. My father disliked my friendship with her, but on this matter I had always put my foot down.

I loved Lana for being so open. She told everybody what she thought of them whenever it pleased her, no matter who it was. She completely went her own way, doing what she wanted and what she thought would benefit her. In a way she was completely selfish, I realised, but that never seemed to bother me. As her best friend she was very protective of me, although she showed it in a strange way. She always encouraged me to do what I want and not to think about anyone else but myself. She sailed through my innate reservations towards other people like one of those gigantic Muggle steamships.

"Have you decided who _you _want, Niamh?"

I frowned in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"You do realize that you haven't had any since the summer holidays, when you and Lucius were still together, and it is Christmas now!" Lana made it sound like a foul crime.

I grinned and said, "No doubt you have somebody in mind for me."

Lana looked at me with an air of mischief around her. "Indeed I do." She obviously was very pleased with herself and let the silence endure for suspense.

I tried to hide my smile, but failed miserably. "Okay, who is it?" I resigned.

Lana's air of self-importance grew even bigger, but then she said with the utmost pleasure in her voice, "Sirius Black."

My jaw dropped. "What? Have you gone nutters? I am not snogging a guy who has his head so far up his own arse he's never seen the light of day!"

"Wow, what a passionate reaction about someone you don't like. Interesting…"

"Shut up!"

"Don't you find him attractive?"

_Duh! House-elves would sooner ask for pay-cheques than any woman saying Sirius Black isn't attractive._

"Of course he is attractive. My eyes are not in my pocket, you know. But he's just such an arrogant pig and so full of himself that I doubt there is any room left for his brain in that tiny head of his."

Lana giggled. "You like him."

"I do not. You are impossible, you know. If you like him so much, why don't you snog him yourself, eh?"

"Oh, you needn't worry, I already have."

I stared at her. "When?"

"In third year. He was one of my first, you know." There was a definite nostalgic note to Lana's voice.

I couldn't help myself and asked, "How was he?"

"A-_ha_! I knew you were interested."

I rolled my eyes.

"But to answer your question, he is very good. And I can only imagine how good he must have become by now. So much experience." She smacked her lips and made an approving sound.

I snorted. "Seems to me you need to renew your acquaintance."

"No, not really," she replied daintily. "I don't like doing the same guy twice. So much new to explore out there. Why waste your time on the past?"

I laughed out loud. "Thanks Lana, for that graphic explanation. Unfortunately, I'm not like you and Black is a bit too new for me to explore."

"You are like me. Everybody is like me," she answered confidently. "Most people just don't know it yet."

We reached the entrance to the Great Hall and I said, "Well, let's go and have some fun then."

"Indeed, Niamh, indeed."


	5. Dances and Discoveries

**Disclaimer: **Still don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters that you may find familiar…too bad ;) I can play around with them though…

**Author's note: **Thanks to hpandfriendsruletheworld and Masha Malfoy for the reviews! I'll update as soon as I can, although I'm rather busy with a literature essay right now…people keep saying I have to start earlier, maybe I should…well, never mind, I hope you enjoy! Let me know.

* * *

**Dances and Discoveries**

The Great Hall was beautifully decorated. There were heaps of snow in each corner of the Hall and Christmas trees full of lights and glittering decorations were everywhere. The windows were frosted and the ceiling showed a sky of black velvet and a myriad of diamond stars. Huge icicles were hanging from the walls and reflected the soft light from the candles that were floating around the Hall. Seats were arranged at the long sides of the Hall and at the far end a stage was erected for the Hobgoblins, who would be performing tonight.

I felt a tingle of anticipation. Now that I was free, anything could happen.

Then I saw Narcissa waving at us from the side. A whole lot of Slytherins were gathered there and I sighed.

_Duties first_, I reprimanded myself

Lana and I walked over to the side and were welcomed by some very approving cheers. Lana immediately flashed a dashing smile, flipped her long and shiny black hair over her shoulder, and sat herself on the lap of what I assumed would be her next victim: Devon Malfoy, Lucius's cousin.

I raised an eyebrow at her that was answered with a apologetic but naughty grin. I hid my smile in the bottle of Butterbeer I was handed by Narcissa. "Cheers, to our last year here," she said.

Devon was very good looking, having the silky white-blond hair that almost everybody in his family had, icy blue eyes, and a handsome, aristocratic face.

I sighed. All the members of the Malfoy family were good-looking. Lucius was no exception. The physical aspect of our relationship had never been a problem and even now I was affected by the thought of his physique. I decided it was time for another gulp of Butterbeer.

I sat down next to Narcissa, who began to inform me of the latest gossip. I didn't pay attention, but looked around the Hall instead.

Several teachers were dancing with each other. Professor Dumbledore was talking to professor McGonagall, Hagrid was sitting behind a huge pint of what could only be Butterbeer, and professor Flitwick was trying to get the fairies to form a formation, something he attempted every year, but still hadn't managed.

Most of the students were already at the ball, since Lana and I had been very late. A group of Hufflepuffs were laughing about something a small brown-haired girl had said. A girl with a round face and fine blond hair was dancing slowly with a brown-haired boy. I knew his name was Frank Longbottom, a seventh-year Gryffindor that was very good at Defence against the Dark Arts, but I didn't recognize her. I supposed she was a sixth-year or something.

James Potter was staring at a red-headed Gryffindor – the Head Girl, I believed - who didn't seem to pay any attention to him whatsoever and instead was talking amiably to her friends. James kept rubbing his hair frantically and had a gloomy look on his face. Peter Pettigrew was sitting next to him with Remus Lupin on his other side, who looked me straight in the face. Quickly I averted my eyes and I felt flushed. He always seemed to know more than he should.

Next to Remus a whole group of girls were standing around someone I couldn't see. When one of them moved I saw a person leaning back in his chair with a confident smile.

_Of course, Black and his fan club._

He was talking to the girls who seemed to do their best to get any attention from him.

_I wonder when the autograph session starts_, I sneered to myself.

As if he had heard me, he looked right at me and smirked! I raised a haughty eyebrow and gave him a icy look. I looked away as if he were no longer worthy of my attention, but not fast enough to miss the ticked-off expression on his face.

_What on earth is his problem?_ I wondered. _It's not as if he isn't used to my reaction._ I had used it on him for the last six years. I knew he was gorgeous, or -- as Lana liked to put it -- drool material, but I couldn't stand him for making use of it. Effective use, I had to admit, but still, that smug and cocky guy infuriated me.

Suddenly I caught his name. "Sorry, Cissy, what were you saying?"

"I said I heard that Sirius broke up with his latest girl."

"Really? And which one of the drooling damsels over there might that be? It's too hard to keep up, you know," I said with disdain.

Narcissa giggled. "You've never really warmed to my cousin, have you?"

"Sorry, no."

"Well, he is a disgrace to the family, so I can understand." She shrugged in an elegant fashion. "Bit of a waste, really."

I didn't feel the need to say I thought the fact that he had managed to cut himself loose from his heritage was one of the few things I admired in him. _One of the very few things. The only thing. No, admire is not the word – I do not admire Sirius Black. I just think it's brave of him to have managed that. No, Sirius Black is not brave; he's just a Gryffindor without brains. What I meant was -- _

"I believe her name is Linda Buney."

"What? Whose name?" I asked, being ripped from my internal dialogue.

"Niamh, you are so absent-minded tonight. What are you thinking of?"

I felt my cheeks glow and quickly said, "Nothing. Now whose name is it?"

"The name of Sirius's girlfriend, of course. Well, ex-girlfriend I must say. Linda Buney, she's a Ravenclaw."

"Linda Bunny, I can't believe it." In mock disbelief I shook my head.

While Narcissa was still laughing, I was asked to dance by Marcus Crast, a fellow Slytherin, and I accepted. A nice song was playing and we were dancing slowly around the Hall for a while.

"You look very beautiful, Niamh," Marcus said.

"Thank you, Marcus. You look very nice yourself."

Indeed he did. He was very tall, with broad shoulders and strong arms thanks to his Quidditch training as a Beater. It was very nice to be held by him. I looked into his dark eyes, which were almost black, and looked at the shadows on his face caused by his black hair that obscured his forehead.

Suddenly that image was disrupted by another image of someone with black hair, but with grey eyes and a naughty smirk on his face.

_Snakes of Salazar, where did that come from?_ I was so shocked I missed a step and completely lost my rhythm.

"Are you okay?" Marcus chuckled.

"Yes," I answered. "I'm fine. No problem." Silently I cursed Lana for her suggestions about Black.

_They must be the reason I'm acting like an idiot right now. Just think about something else_, I said to myself. _Concentrate on the dance. Right, left, right, close. Left, right, left, turn. Where the hell is Lana? I need to talk to her._ I tried to find her in the Hall, and immediately forgot another step.

_Merlin be damned!_

"Are you sure nothing is wrong?"

"I think I'm just a little tired," I excused myself. "Could we sit down for a minute?"

_Or go and kill Lana_, I added to myself.

"Sure." Marcus looked a bit disappointed, but didn't protest. "Why don't I get you something to drink? You'll feel better."

"Thanks. That's very sweet of you." I smiled at Marcus and sat myself at a bench on the side. Marcus looked around for the bar and started walking towards it.

I looked around for Lana and gave an irritated groan.

"Now, that doesn't sound like you're having a good time. Marcus-the-gorilla not your type?"

I quickly turned my head to see who made that rude comment and looked straight into the face of the guy who, for some reason, had been on my mind the whole evening. Blood rushed to my face so I quickly narrowed my eyes to hide it.

"What do you want, Black?" I snapped at him.

"Tsk, Tsk, not very polite, miss Carden. For some reason I doubt you're not acquainted with the art of conversation. Let's try again. Don't you want to know how I'm doing?"

"No, not interested, sorry." He had caught me completely off-guard and I tried to pull myself together. I tried to sound as cold as I could, but without any result. That idiot just pissed me off!

"Don't you have somewhere else to go?" I encouraged him with a small gesture of my hand and looked at the dancing couples to indicate that our conversation had ended. Unfortunately he didn't take the hint. Instead he sat down next to me. I scowled and folded my arms. Very un-ladylike. I resented him even more for it, that I hadn't been able to come up with something more dignified.

"I am doing very well, since you ask so nicely. Don't you find the decorations beautiful?"

I turned my head to him and gave him a very sinister look.

"Okay, I'll take that as a no," he said cheerfully.

"On the contrary, the decorations are fabulous. It's just the company that bothers me."

"Yes, you're right. I've never found Marcus much fun either." My 'that's not what I meant' was interrupted by a charming smile. "But now you are in much better company."

I pretended to gag. And of course at that moment I saw Lana passing by with an enormous grin on her face. I tried my best to jinx her into growing antlers that very moment, but without my wand in my hand that wasn't much use.

I watched the line in front of the bar, but there were at least fifteen people standing in line before Marcus.

"Don't worry, he won't be back yet."

I rolled my eyes, trying to appear cool, but Black was sitting way too close. I was tempted to bang my head against the wall behind me in frustration, but my pride would never recover.

"I suppose if I asked you for a dance, you would try to kill me?"

"Very good, Mr. Black."

"What a shame, what a shame."

I gritted my teeth. "Don't you have something better to do than annoy me? There must be loads of people more interested in talking to you than I am."

"No doubt, but you are intriguing, Niamh. Seems to me you've changed from a stuck-up bitch into -- well, I don't know, something else. I would like to know more about you."

"Thank you, what a nice thing to say," I said, sarcasm dripping from every single word.

"Don't be sarcastic, it was a compliment. When I say you've changed, I mean you don't seem to take much pleasure and pride in being a pureblood Slytherin from an ancient family anymore."

My gut clenched in pure fear. "I have no idea what you're talking about," I muttered quickly and I felt my heart beating in my chest. _If he has noticed it, who else has too?_

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go." I stood up and walked straight out of the Hall.

* * *

I was sitting on a toilet seat trying to calm my raging heart. How in Merlin's name could he know what was going on with me? No one else seemed to have noticed it. Certainly not Lana of Narcissa, who were my closest friends. I was being extremely cautious. Was he spying on me? 

_Don't be ridiculous_, I told myself. _That guy is too caught up in himself to notice a pink elephant dancing the Tango right in front of him._

That was a reassuring image, which calmed me down a little. He had just guessed and I had given him exactly what he wanted. I could hit myself in the head for my stupidity. What was it about him that made me lose my senses? Hiding my feelings was never a problem, until he showed up.

_I will just ignore him_, I decided. _Likes to know more about me, right! Find yourself another victim, Black, because I am not falling for it and I am staying out of your way._

All the way back to the Great Hall I did not listen to a little voice nagging, "What if he doesn't stay out of your way?"

* * *

Poor Marcus was looking for me when I returned. He looked very annoyed and I hoped Black didn't pester him as well. 

_Stop! Do not think of the idiot again_, I reproached myself.

I flashed a charming smile at Marcus. "I hope you didn't look for me for too long. I just went to refresh myself a little." I tilted my head to one side and lifted my eyes to him with what I hoped was an adoring look. "I do feel much better now. Why don't we continue our dance?"

Marcus seemed delighted and offered me his arm. The Hobgoblins had begun their performance while I was in the lavatory and were now playing a ballad.

On the dance floor Marcus pulled me very close and I let him in order to rid my mind of – _no, not thinking of him. I am not thinking of him._ I leaned my head against Marcus's shoulder and enjoyed the song.

The Hobgoblins continued with another ballad – the floor was filled with couples – and I didn't mind staying in Marcus's arms for another while. Suddenly he was tapped on the shoulder and a voice asked if he could cut in.

"Well, actually…" Marcus began to protest, but the voice simply said, "Great, thanks."

I looked up in a couple of twinkling grey eyes and felt Black's arms slip around me. Instantly I pulled back and hissed, "What makes you think I want to dance with you?"

He pretended to look hurt, but exchanged that expression immediately for a roguish smile. "You don't want to make a scene, do you?"

That was the last thing I needed right now so I told Marcus, who looked capable of punching Black in the face, "Don't worry, it's just a dance. I'll see you in a minute."

Marcus cast a very dark look at Black and marched away with clenched fists.

I turned to the idiot. "What is it with you? Do you take pleasure in irritating people?"

"Do I get on your nerves, Niamh?" The way he pronounced my name sent a shiver down my spine.

"You have absolutely no effect on my nerves, whatsoever." Coolly I looked him in the eye. Thank God I wasn't prone to sweaty hands, or I would have been exposed immediately.

The corner of his mouth crept up into a seductive smile. Mine instantly went dry. He pulled my body to his own and moved slowly to the rhythm of the music. My heart was pounding so loud I was afraid he could hear it.

_Merlin, woman, get your act together. It's just a dance!_

But the way his body moved against mine seemed to promise a lot more than just a dance and my body reacted with full force. He had his arm around me so tight that my whole body was pressed against his. His hand was low on my back and I could feel the hard muscles of his body.

Black was also a Beater, on the Gryffindor team of course, but there was such a big difference between him and Marcus. Being in Marcus's arms was merely nice, whereas Black's body gave the sensual impression of holding in pure strength and energy, controlled only by his will. I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if he lost that control.

My eyes widened. _Wow, thoughts definitely going in the wrong direction now!_

He bowed his head, inhaling my scent. His lips briefly brushed over my jaw. My eyes fell shut at that sensation. By now I was panting slightly. My hand was on his shoulder, which felt like steel. With all the effort I could muster I kept it there, instead of letting it run over his body. The other one was trapped in his grasp.

His thumb began to caress my back through the silk of my gown and I could hardly contain a soft moan. I felt caught and helpless in his arms, but I wasn't sure I wanted to leave.

Neither of us spoke a word, until the song ended. Reluctantly he let me go and I stepped backwards. I felt shaky. Free at last I dared to look in his eyes and what I saw sent warm blood rushing through my body. His grey eyes were dark with hunger for more and I knew my own blue ones reflected the same.

"You'd better go," he said huskily. I knew full well what would happen if I didn't and a make-out scene in the middle of the dance-floor was not high on my list today, so I fled.

To my horror I discovered my hands were actually clammy, so I rubbed them over my skirt. My cheeks were burning and I felt as if everybody could see what was going on.

_Pull yourself together, pull yourself together, it was just a dance_, I kept repeating. Sooner or later I would be able to convince myself of that. Then I remembered the look in his eyes.

_Okay, maybe not._

Suddenly I was blocked in my way by a dark-headed girl. "You stay away from him!"

I raised an eyebrow. "I beg your pardon?"

"You know what I mean. He is mine. You keep your hands of him, you hear me?"

"Yes, quite clearly, actually. There's no need to screech. I'm sorry, I must have missed the name tag while I was dancing." I couldn't help being sarcastic. The girl was acting absurd.

"He doesn't need a filthy Slytherin hag like you."

_That does it_, I thought.

"No, I suppose he needs a hysterical child such as yourself. Give me a break, girl, and get over yourself. There is nothing going on with me and Sirius" – _when did I start using his first name in public?_ – "and even if there was, he is old enough to make his own decisions. Now, out of my way," I said and walked past her.

Lana was sitting on a bench next to Devon and I dropped next to them.

"Had a nice dance?" Lana simply couldn't resist. I shrugged and mumbled I just didn't want to make a scene.

"It seemed a whole lot more than an obligation to that girl over there." Lana nodded with her head to the dark-headed girl that was still eyeing me furiously.

"It was just a dance!"


	6. Rumours and Secrets

**Rumours and Secrets**

_What a night this is turning out to be! _

I had only been an hour or so at the Christmas ball and already I was wrecked. I was still sitting beside Lana, who wasn't very good company, because she was completely taken up by Devon. But there was no way I was going to sit somewhere else, in case Sirius or one of the members of his fan club would show up again.

"Git!" I said heatedly.

"Mhmm?" Lana asked.

"Never mind. You just... er… continue…" I said and raised a playful eyebrow at the couple, who were still glued to each other. I chuckled, wondering when McGonagall would show up to break them apart.

Marcus seemed to have disappeared. Not that I minded; I wasn't up for another session of 'what was that about'.

I didn't admit to myself that my eyes were wandering around the Hall looking for Black. I was just watching the crowd. He was nowhere to be seen anyway. I frowned. Where would he be?

_That doesn't matter. It doesn't interest you, remember? You just had one dance with him_, I reproved myself.

I was talking to myself a lot lately. Maybe I was going insane? _Yeah, well whose fault is that, then? Black and his idiotic impulses_, I thought angrily. _Guys like him should be made illegal. They are very bad for your health. Your mental health, that is._

After a while I was starting to feel a little guilty towards Marcus and I decided to look for him. I couldn't find him anywhere, so I gave up and went for a little fresh air. In the Entrance Hall it was much cooler and I let out a sigh of relief. I still felt a little heated and the cool air was very welcome.

Suddenly I heard footsteps behind me and I turned around. It was Marcus.

"There you are. I was looking for you," I smiled.

Marcus didn't smile back. Instead he frowned angrily. "Really? Seemed to me you were having a lot of fun with that wanker Black."

"Excuse me?"

"You two were awfully close."

"Don't be such a prat, Marcus. What would you've had me do? Make a scene in the middle of the dance floor? It was just a slow dance," I said disdainfully. "Don't get your socks all in a twist."

"You could have said no. You didn't have to dance with him," he persisted. He was starting to annoy me.

"So what if I danced with him?" I cried defiantly. "It's none of your business!"

"None of my business!" Marcus bellowed, shocking me. "Then what have you been up to all night? You were just leading me on, weren't you?"

"What?"

"I thought you liked me. Or do you behave like that with every guy? One minute we seem to be hitting it off; the next minute Black is all over you and you clearly don't mind. One guy a night not enough for you?"

"Marcus, what the hell is your problem?"

"My problem is that there is obviously something going on between you two."

"Are you off your rocker? Nothing is going on with Black and me. As if…" I scorned. "The suggestion alone is enough to make me want to vomit."

"Well, in that case you won't mind me doing _this_." And with that he grabbed my arms and kissed me hard on the mouth, my lips painfully squashed against my teeth.

I pushed him away and slapped him across the face. "Bastard! Just because there isn't someone else, doesn't mean I'm available to you."

"Why not? You were obviously available to Black! It was disgusting to watch. Guess you want to be in his fan club?"

"Will you let it go?" I shouted.

"No, I won't." Marcus grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to him. He was clenching my wrist so hard it would leave bruises. I tried to wrench myself out of his grip, but he only held me tighter.

I screamed in anger and pain. "Let me go, you imbecile!"

"She doesn't seem to be enjoying your company, Crast. So why don't you just let her go?"

I jerked my head to face the newcomer. Black was standing a few feet away, leaning casually to the wall, holding his wand loosely.

_Oh Merlin, here comes the cavalry!_

"Stay out of this, Black," Marcus warned him. "She is none of your business." He tightened his grip even further and a soft whimper escaped me before I could stop myself.

Black jolted up straight and pointed his wand at Marcus. "Let go of her, right now!"

Marcus put his hand in his pocket and took out his own wand. "I don't think I will. What were you going to do about it?"

With a nasty grin he twisted my wrist. The tears sprang to my eyes. The pain was becoming unbearable and I thought my wrist was going to break.

Marcus was thinking the same thing. "I could just break it, you know."

Black narrowed his eyes in fury. "You miserable bastard. Why don't pick on someone your own size? She's just a girl."

Through a cloud of pain I thought, _I beg your pardon? Just a girl? Arrogant prick! _And I kicked Marcus in the shin. He gave a yelp of pain and loosened his grip.

Immediately Black roared, "_Stupefy!_" A red flash hit Marcus square in the chest. He flew backwards and fell unconscious to the floor.

I had pulled myself loose just in time and fell on my backside.

_Great_, I thought, _more bruises._

"You okay?" Black walked towards me and offered his hand. "Let me see your wrist."

I ignored his hand and scrambled to my feet, suppressing the urge to rub my backside. I felt embarrassed I had been so helpless and I snapped, "Drop the knight-in-shining-armour act, Black. I didn't ask for your help."

Black's eyebrows went up. "What…" he began disbelievingly.

"I could have handled him myself." I was seriously pissed off and my wrist was throbbing like mad.

"No, you couldn't have. He is twice your size and much stronger than you." Black still sounded like he couldn't believe my reaction.

I looked at my wrist, which was already scarlet red and showing bruises. "Yeah, whatever." I walked past him towards the corridor to the Slytherin common room.

_Rude, very rude. You know you were no match for Marcus._ My conscious had no pity with my hurt pride. I hesitated for a moment, but then I resigned and turned around to face Black.

He was checking on Marcus, who was still unconscious.

"Sirius?"

He looked up, genuinely surprised. I smiled apologetically. "Thanks."

He gave me a wide grin and bowed flamboyantly while pretending to take off a hat. "At your service, my lady."

I rolled my eyes and turned away again, but I couldn't hide the smile on my face.

* * *

Lana and I reached the Slytherin common room before the crowd. I had run into her as I walked past the doors of the Great Hall. She was absolutely furious at Marcus for being such a brute and insisted on coming with me. 

In our dorm I performed a couple of Healing Charms that made some of the bruises on my wrist vanish. The pain was relieved immediately. I didn't feel like going to madam Pomfrey, because I would have a lot to explain for.

"I can't believe that repulsive piece of vermin!" Lana said, still fuming. "You should tell professor Morton."

Professor Morton was our Head of House and a friend of my father's. I shook my head at Lana. There would be too many complications if I was associated with Sirius Black.

I quickly changed into my nightgown and sat on my bed crossed-legged, trying to untangle my hair. It reached halfway down my back and was quite heavy.

"No, it wasn't that bad. I don't want to run to Morton for every little thing." Bit of a weak excuse, but it was the best I could come up with.

Lana stared at me. "Not bad? He nearly ripped your hand off!"

"Well, he got what he deserved, didn't he? I can't believe how fast Black shot that Stupefy Spell. I barely saw it coming."

"Thank Merlin he did. Very chivalrous of him," Lana winked.

"Bugger off, Lana. I didn't want his help. He just showed up out of nowhere trying to be a hero," I scorned.

"I think he likes you, Niamh," she persisted. "First that dance..." -- I could feel my cheeks start glowing again -- "...then him coming after you… Yes, he's definitely into you."

"Really, you've got it completely wrong. He was just poking his nose into other people's business. And that dance? He just did it to annoy me. He knows I can't stand him."

"Exactly!" Lana sounded proud of me for using the right argument – which one I didn't know – and continued, "He can get any girl. All he has to do is snap his fingers and they all come flying at him. You're the only one that doesn't fall for his charms. I bet he is just fascinated by it."

"Well, I have no interest in being Black's next conquest. He'll just have to find himself some other hobby."

Lana had finished combing her hair and jumped on her bed. "Okay, suit yourself. But I think you just need to get laid and Black is the perfect choice."

"Lana!" I shrieked and threw a pillow at her. She giggled and dove under her blankets.

"Good night," I said sternly.

"Good night," she grinned back.

* * *

The next day was a Saturday and I slept till 11 o'clock. After I had taken a shower, got dressed, and packed my trunk I went to the common room, which was almost empty. I was very relieved Marcus wasn't there. We still had to talk things through, but I wasn't up for it right now. I strolled to the Great Hall to get some breakfast – or rather, lunch – and found Lana and Narcissa already there. 

"Marcus is still in hospital wing," Lana greeted me.

"Good," I said. "Serves him right." I sat down next to Lana and helped myself to some toast. I looked at Narcissa. "I didn't hear you come back last night. How was the rest of the ball? "

"Oh, it was okay, I suppose," she said in a bit of a bored voice. "Nothing much happened." Narcissa lived for gossip and a party without scandalous events just wasn't a party.

At that moment Seline Greenway, a seventh year Ravenclaw and Narcissa's partner-in-crime when it came to spreading rumours, hurried towards us with twinkling eyes.

"Have you heard?" she asked Narcissa, sounding thrilled. "Sirius Black is in for two months of detention for using the Stupefy Spell on a fellow student in an argument."

I choked on my toast. Seline cast an curious look at me and asked, "You okay?" I gave her the thumbs up while the tears were still in my eyes and took a quick gulp from my cup of pumpkin juice.

"Anyway, Sirius says Marcus Crast, who he was arguing with, was harassing a girl and hurting her. That's why he used that spell. But no girl showed up in the hospital wing, so they don't know who it is and Sirius is refusing to tell." Seline was bouncing up and down in excitement.

"Really? Isn't that _fascinating_, Niamh?" Lana said while thumping my back.

I scowled at her. "Yes, very interesting," I coughed.

Seline gestured us to be quiet; she still had more on her sleeves. "Professor McGonagall gave him detention, because there is no proof for his story. And Marcus obviously isn't saying anything."

I narrowed my eyes. Of course Marcus wasn't saying anything, he would get tons of detention.

"But that's not all," Seline continued. "Sirius said…" and now she actually sighed in adoration, "…that he would never betray the girl's trust. I have no idea what he meant, but isn't it romantic? I wonder who she is…" she pondered.

I felt my heart racing. _Could he mean what I think he means?_ That he realized that I would be in massive trouble if word got out I was associating with him? Not to mention the conclusions that would be drawn: that I would be influenced by his choice to forsake his pureblood heritage.

_Is that the reason he's putting up with two months of detention?_ I knew there was no other answer. Sirius's message may have had befuddled Seline, but it was very clear to me. _Why on earth would he even care?_ I thought annoyed. _Stupid prat with his Gryffindor hero complex!_

"He is such a gentleman," Seline finished. Lana was looking at me as if she wanted to say 'I told you so'.

"Well, got to go, girls. See you later." Seline wandered off, no doubt looking for the next person to gossip with.

"He is _so_ gallant, isn't he, Niamh?" Lana and Narcissa were holding their laughter. Lana had obviously told Narcissa this morning what had happened.

I glared at both of them. _This is getting ridiculous._

I stood up and said, "I suppose I'm stupid for not seeing this coming. I guess I'll have to talk to McGonagall."

"Ah, now why the sudden interest in his well-being, I wonder," Lana teased.

"I could care less about his well-being," I denied as disdainful as I could. "But two months is a bit harsh, even for a git like him. See you later."

I went to McGonagall's office. Fortunately she was there.

"Yes, miss Carden?" she said after inviting me in.

"I just -- I heard about Sirius Black's detention and uhm…" I fidgeted with my robes.

McGonagall took off her glasses and peered at me.

I flushed guiltily and continued, "His story is true. Crast was harassing me. He thought I was… er… deceiving him and we got into an argument and he got so mad he tried to break my wrist."

I wisely left out the part of the dance with Sirius. "That's what made Black go over the edge." I pulled up my sleeve and held out my wrist, which was still showing a considerable amount of bruises.

"Why didn't you go to madam Pomfrey's office?" she inquired.

I shrugged and made a gesture that could mean anything. "I suppose I just felt a little awkward."

McGonagall gazed intently at me, as if she were looking for something. "You know, Mr. Black told me an interesting story about you."

I blanched.

"He refused to tell me your name, but he did mention that the girl he protected wants to cut herself loose from her family, but doesn't know how." She surveyed me closely. "And that there would be... consequences for her if she did anything else to upset her family… and their acquaintances." She added the last three words in a low voice.

There was an icy little spot in my stomach that I recognised as fear.

"Didn't you end your relationship with young Mr. Malfoy a while ago?" McGonagall asked, seemingly innocent.

"Yes, I did. But it has nothing to do with Black's story. He's got it completely wrong." I looked coolly and distant at McGonagall. "I just came to tell you what happened last night. Black doesn't deserve detention."

"No, indeed, he doesn't. Not this time anyway," McGonagall added semi-amusedly. She put her glasses back on. "Was that all, miss Carden?"

"Yes, professor."

"Very well. You may go."

I nodded, but before I could turn around she added, "Just bear in mind, Niamh, that we have excellent means of protection."

I stiffened and said, "I don't need protection, professor. Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Niamh."

* * *

A little while later I was walking to the common room after returning a book to the library before Christmas break when someone shouted, "Oi, Niamh! Wait up!" I turned on my heels and saw Sirius running to catch up with me. I braced myself. 

"Minnie told me you got me out of detention," he said when he had reached me.

"Minnie?" I repeated dumbly.

"McGonagall," Sirius explained. "Thanks a lot!"

I shrugged and mumbled, "Anyone would have done that." I gave him a teasing smile. "Besides, you spend almost all of your time in detention already. I thought this would make a nice change for you."

Sirius glowered at me and I grinned. I knew I had to cut him off as soon as I could, but I just didn't want to leave yet.

_Danger, danger, don't be stupid,_ several alarm bells in my head rang, but I ignored them.

Sirius grinned back and said with a flirtatious look, "So, how can I repay you for your kindness?" The corner of his mouth curled in a sensual smile, quite similar to the one he'd given me during the dance last night. It was obvious what he had in mind. And Sirius Black had a reputation of getting what he wanted.

My heart started to pound and I felt warm. Silently I cursed my treacherous body. Black was standing far too close for comfort. I stepped back and said, "Let's call it even. You helped me and I helped you. That's all." I kept my face blank.

"No, that won't do," he said, his voice sounding deep and low. He moved a little closer. "I just did what every decent guy would do. That didn't need to be repaid. So you see, we aren't even." Looking up at him, I could see how much he enjoyed talking me into a corner.

I looked in his eyes, which were turning dark when he looked at my mouth and my body answered to his gaze. _Why not give in_, it asked, and I forgot why I shouldn't. Really, where was the harm in a bit of kissing? My eyes fixed themselves on his mouth. He had a beautiful mouth. Not too full, but with a curved bottom lip that made it incredibly sexy. Everything else vanished and I lifted my mouth to his and he bend down to mine…

Footsteps were coming round the corner and before our lips could meet I jumped backwards. Sirius groaned in disappointment.

"I -- I have to go," I stuttered.

Frustrated, Sirius ran a hand through his hair. "Niamh…"

Any second someone would walk in on us and that fact brought back some control over myself. I backed away from Sirius and forced myself to turn around and walk away calmly.

A second year Ravenclaw strolled around the corner and looked curiously at what no doubt was a strange situation. Sirius was still looking at me. I could feel his eyes burning on the back of my head. I sighed in relief that no Slytherin had caught us. For a moment I thought about going back to Sirius, but it was better just to leave now. Things had already gone far enough.

I had just reached the corner when Sirius called my name. I kept on walking pretending I didn't hear him. I heard his footsteps coming after me and I started walking faster.

_Get away, Carden, just get away from him._

"Niamh!"

I gave up and turned around. "What?"

In two big steps he crossed the distance between us, pulled me to him, and captured my lips. My body responded before I could think about it and I found myself kissing him back with equal fervour. His tongue soon followed the curve of my lips begging for entrance. Sirius caressed my neck with his hands, letting his thumb trace the hollow of my throat. I shivered.

When I opened my mouth he slipped his arms around my waist and pulled me even closer. Instinctively I pressed my entire body against his and put my arms around his neck. I was having trouble breathing properly, but I wouldn't let go.

He pushed me against the nearest wall while exploring every inch of my mouth. I moaned when he put a knee between my thighs and pushed his body against mine. This was going way too far, way too fast, but I let my hands glide along the muscles of his back and shoulders, noticing how his strength excited me.

He ripped his mouth from my lips and moved it to my neck and collarbone, making me shiver with pleasure. My hands ran through his long, silky hair.

Suddenly a loud voice boomed through the hallway. "All students returning home for Christmas are to gather at the Entrance Hall. The train will leave in an hour."

We both froze and I pushed Sirius away. I straightened my clothes while thinking non-stop, _Oh my god, you stupid cow. What have you done?_

I looked at Sirius. "This was a mistake, Sirius. I shouldn't have done this."

"What? What are you talking about?" He looked really angry.

_And really handsome._ I pushed that thought away. _Not relevant._

"Don't tell me this was a mistake. You liked it as much as I did." His voice became louder in anger and his eyes were still so dark they almost seemed black.

"You don't understand, Black. We have to stop this. It's just not possible."

"Actually, I do understand. But _you_ need to understand, Niamh," he said through gritted teeth while pinning me to the wall again, "that I don't give up that easily." Roughly he pressed his lips on mine, opening my mouth. After he had kissed me deeply and thoroughly he left me standing there shakily.

I took a few deep breaths to calm down, decided that it didn't work, and walked to the Entrance Hall anyway. I was careful not to look for Black, but somehow his eyes locked into mine and they gave me a dark look that was both a threat and a promise.

_Bugger, this is not going as planned._

I wasn't sure what my plan was exactly, but having a steamy affair – my cheeks flushed – with a disowned, disgraced, and outcast blood traitor was most definitely not part of it. That kiss had to stay a secret and it could never happen again. It was just too dangerous for me. If my family found out -- I didn't even want to go there.

Lana appeared on my side and pinched me. "What are you thinking of?"

_A full-blown snogging session in the hallway, what else would I be thinking of?_

I smiled innocently at her. "Nothing. Just trying to remember whether I packed everything."

We started discussing our Christmas parties and as usual didn't stop talking until the train arrived at King's Cross Station. When I got out I saw my mother and brother at the platform waiting. My little sister Deirdre was already walking towards them. She was a fifth-year Slytherin and preparing for her OWLs.

"Well, I had better go. I'll see you on New Year's Eve," I said, referring to the party at our London residence she and her family were invited to.

"Have a nice holiday," Lana said, hugging me, and then strolling off to find her family.

I walked over to my mother, but someone bumped into me and whispered in my ear, "Just remember what I said."

I stiffened and turned on my heels to tell him off, but Sirius beat me to it and said loudly, "Watch where you're going, Carden!"

I narrowed my eyes and said, "Piss off, Black." Haughtily I turned my back on him and stormed away. Nobody but me had seen the devilish twinkle in his eyes, but it was sending sparks up and down my body.

Keeping a cool face I walked over to my mother and greeted her with a kiss.

"Hello dear, how are you?"

_Still dealing with the after-shocks of making out with Sirius Black, and you? Hmm, maybe not the best of answers…_

"Fine, mother, and you?"

"Very busy with all the preparations for the party."

"Oh, mother, that's what you love best," Deirdre laughed.

I kissed my brother, who was shooting irritated looks over my head. "What was that traitor saying to you?"

"Oh, nothing, Rowan. He was just being his usual annoying self." I rolled my eyes. "Just leave it."

"Deirdre, aren't you in the same year as Black's brother, Regulus?" Rowan asked, ruffling his sister's red curls.

Deirdre nodded, moving away from him to protect her hair. "He is in Slytherin with me. Very different from his brother."

"At least his family has one faithful son," my mother sighed. "Don't forget, we're invited at the Blacks' at Christmas Eve."

_Great! Just what I need, a whole evening at the Blacks' house without the one Black I want to see._ My face changed colour. _What the hell am I thinking? I. Don't. Want. To. See. Sirius. Black!_


	7. A Late Visitor

**Disclaimer: **As usual I don't own Harry Potter...

Rated M for scenes of a sexual nature.

* * *

**A Late Visitor**

I dropped myself backwards onto my bed. It was a large four-poster bed with silk curtains hanging from the rods. I groaned loudly and dramatically. It was three o'clock in the morning and I had just returned from a Christmas ball at the Malfoys'.

It was really awkward to see Lucius again, who obviously still held a grudge against me. His cousin Devon had been quite considerate, helping me out of a few sticky situations when people started to question me about my break-up with Lucius, who was throwing glowering looks at me the whole night. This year was definitely not in my top three of best Christmases ever.

Tonight had been nothing, however, compared to Christmas Eve, which I had spent at the Blacks'. I had felt so uncomfortable there, talking to his parents and his brother. Narcissa had been there, of course, and my cousins Rodolphus and Rabastan. Rodolphus was married to Narcissa's eldest sister, Bellatrix. I loathed her. Her pureblood mania was beyond proportions, and in my circles that is saying something.

Andromeda and her family weren't there, neither was Sirius of course. Narcissa whispered in my ear that an uncle of hers had died a while ago and left his entire heritage to Sirius. Mrs. Black was still livid. Sirius, who had been living with the Potters, was able to support himself now and had got himself a place to live last summer.

Dinner was rather boring and my mind kept drifting off in all sorts of inappropriate directions. It was quite unsettling to be thinking some very dirty thoughts about Sirius and then being asked by his mother why I was so absent-minded.

"I was thinking about a complicated Potions essay I have to write," I said apologetically, which set off a conversation between Mrs. Black and Mrs. Rosier about the importance of education.

_Pfeww! Close call. Stop thinking about things you want to do with Black. _Chiding myself for those wicked - but persistent - thoughts triggered a vivid fantasy and I felt the blood rushing to my face. Quickly I grabbed my goblet and downed the heavy, red wine.

_Right, so that doesn't work,_ I thought, still seeing a naked Black on my bed with a smirk on his face.

_Merlin's beard, even in my fantasies the idiot is smirking at me._

"Dick?" a voice next to me said. I sprayed the wine back into my cup. Narcissa's father, Cepheus, who was sitting opposite me, stared at me, his mouth open and his fork about halfway in between his mouth and his dish.

"Sorry," I mumbled, "drank too fast."

"You mean Richard?" the voice next to me continued. "Richard Flint? Oh yes, he's a fine Beater on the team."

I glared at Deirdre, who had made the comment, and decided to spend the rest of the night thinking of very sad and non-arousing things.

I pushed the memories away and got up from my bed and started to undress. A sudden tapping on my window startled me and I turned around. It was an owl. I opened the window and the bird hopped inside. I took the letter from him and immediately he flew away.

I opened the letter.

_Niamh,_

_Be ready at ten tomorrow. Wear Muggle clothes._

_S._

"What the hell?" I said. "Who does he think he is, ordering me around like that?"

The entire night and following day I was thinking about ways to get back at him for that impossibly bad-mannered note. I wondered how he planned to meet me and suddenly a smirk crept over my face. He had to be coming to my room. There was no way he could walk up to the front door and ring the doorbell.

I would just stay downstairs the whole night and he would be outside, unable to come in. I grinned at the thought of him getting angrier by the minute, while I was nowhere to be seen.

That night at half past nine I went up to my room to get a book and I checked whether the window was locked. I didn't put anything past Black. When I had reached the window a tall and dark figure appeared right outside. I screamed and jumped backwards. The figure pointed his wand at the window and it opened. Sirius Black stepped of his broom and climbed inside.

"Are you mad?" I hissed, quickly closing my bedroom door. "What are you doing here? What if someone heard? Do you know what my family will do to you if they found you here? In our house? IN MY BEDROOM!"

"I really don't give a shit about your family. I came to see you. You got my note, didn't you? I figured you might try something, so I decided to show up early." Sirius looked around. "I do like the fact that I am in your bedroom, though."

"What do you want, Black?"

_Damn it, wrong question,_ I thought when his trademark smirk appeared on his face.

"You know very well what I want, Niamh." His piercing gaze locked mine and I swallowed.

Seeing him stand there, tall and dark, dressed in a black cloak and with windswept hair, practically oozing with sensuality, made my heart pump faster and my mouth dry.

_Think sad thoughts, think sad thoughts, him in my bedroom, barely three feet from my bed. Not that we'd need a bed -- no! SAD thoughts, sad thoughts! _I gave myself a mental kick.

I cleared my throat and said regally, "You can't possibly expect me to comply to such a horrid note."

"Maybe not," he said in a low voice, "but you will comply after this." He walked towards me and feeling instinctively what he was about to do, I backed away. He simply took another step forwards.

_Wait a minute! You are a Carden. You don't back away from annoying little prats like him. You just dismiss them like the nothingness they are._

But every ounce of self-preservation that I had – which is a lot by the way, I am a Slytherin after all – told me to run away. Black was dangerous. However, I decided not to cower and put on a cold and unconcerned face.

He was standing inches away. I could feel his heat. "You can look as indifferent as you want, but you're not fooling me. I can see right through that mask of yours."

I narrowed my eyes. "You arrogant prick. You don't know anything about me. Now get out of here, before I call for help."

He pointed his wand over my shoulder and cast a locking spell. Immediately the door locked itself. With his eyes on my mouth he also threw in a Silencing Charm.

_Bastard!_

"So you feel you can't handle me alone?" He seemed utterly content with that and it drove me up the wall; mainly because he was right…

_Like I will ever admit that!_

I raised an eyebrow. "I can get rid of you myself easily. I just don't want to break a nail. A litle blood traitor like you? You're not worth it." With a nonchalant look I examined my fingernails, all perfectly manicured.

I could sense his temper rising and I looked him in the eye, tauntingly. "What, Black? Can't handle the truth?" I smirked.

I noticed his eyes were getting dark again. _Hmm, they seem to do that when he is angry… or aroused._ I cleared my throat again. _Stop thinking like that!_

"A blood traitor, eh?" he hissed. "That didn't seem to stop you last time."

I chose to ignore that. "Now, if you would be so kind to remove those spells and leave, that would be nice. This is getting rather boring, you know." I yawned and tapped my foot impatiently.

"I don't want to leave."

"Black, you sound like a whining little boy. Just find some other girl to harass, one who doesn't mind your presence, and by the end of the week you won't even remember I exist. And we'll all be happy."

"What?" he seethed. "Don't you dismiss me like that, you arrogant little hag! I've wanted you for a long time and I know you want me too."

"What do you mean 'you've wanted me for a long time'? Come on, Black, you and I both know that's not true."

"Like you haven't seen me watching you. And all I got from you were haughty looks."

_Whoa, hold on, those were just look-at-me-being-fabulous-Mr-Black-with-all-my-girls looks! _

_Were they?_

I interrupted myself. _That's not the point here! Focus, woman. You don't want to get involved with him._

I folded my arms across my chest and said sarcastically, "You know, most people would take that as a rejection."

"Well, firstly, I am not most people. Secondly, like I've already told you, I don't give up. Thirdly, I've always liked a challenge and finally, I know you want me."

"Why, aren't we sure of ourselves," I sneered.

He raised an eyebrow and drawled, "I seem to recall a certain incident in the corridors which gave me the distinct impression that you are not so indifferent to me as you pretend to be now." The self-assured smirk on his face was becoming unbearable to watch.

"Well, people make mistakes."

"I like mistakes. Let's make them again." He leaned into me.

"I don't think so."

"I do."

"I don't care what you think."

"Yes, you do.

"No, I don't."

"Just shut up, witch."

"Don't you tell me what to do!"

"Sod it, you don't know what's good for you."

That was so unfair I opened my mouth in indignation and he seized the opportunity by covering my mouth with his. He slid a hand around the back of my neck to keep me close to him and kissed me intensely.

His taste, his scent, his heat were intoxicating and I grabbed the front of his cloak to hold myself steady, while kissing him back. He put an arm around my waist and pulled me so close there wasn't any space left between us. Slowly his hands descended down my body. When they reached my backside they grabbed it firmly and shockingly hard he pressed himself against me.

I gasped for breath and he let go of my mouth. "Just to remind you that I am not a little boy."

"Duly noted," I managed to extract from my throat.

He smirked deliciously evil. "Now, are you coming with me or do I need to convince you some more?"

"Just because we've kissed once…" My voice faltered when he raised an eyebrow at me, "…okay, twice, doesn't mean I want to go out on a date with you!"

"Fine! I see I have no choice than to stay here then."

"Fine!"

"Fine!" He looked really angry, and really irresistible. I grabbed his cloak and pulled him to me. When I tried to kiss him, he lifted his head, so I couldn't reach him. "That's not fair," I hissed.

He grinned. "I never said I would be."

I let out a frustrated groan and pushed him away. "You're impossible, Black."

"Impossibly gorgeous, yeah."

I snorted. "Don't think too highly of yourself."

"I see you don't have the problem of thinking too highly of me."

"Indeed, I think rather lowly of you." _Or maybe I'm thinking of your lower regions. _I blinked. _Merlin, I really have to stop talking to myself._

"That hurts me, Carden."

"I don't care." While we were arguing he moved closer again and now I had to look up several inches to meet his eyes.

"Stop talking. You're pissing me off."

"Like I said: I don't care."

"Shut up."

"No."

"I am warning you."

"I am not afraid of you."

"You should be."

"Ooooh, I'm shaking with fear. Can't you see me tremble?"

"I will make you tremble," he threatened and kissed me.

This time there was no stopping it. While our kiss grew deeper and deeper I stripped him of his cloak and started working on the buttons of his shirt. He got rid of mine in an instant and started kissing my neck, working his way down until he reached my bra. Skilfully his hands moved to my back and after he had unhooked it he threw it aside. His mouth covered my breast and I let out a moan. Smirking he looked up to my face.

I repaid him by pressing my body against his and letting my hands run under his shirt. My nails left a trail across his back and he shivered when goose bumps appeared on his body. I smirked back at him.

He kissed me again and pushed me towards the bed. I fell backwards onto it. Sirius remained on his feet and looked down at me. I smiled languidly and his eyes became unbelievably dark. He pulled off his shirt over his head and leaned forward. His lips caressed my stomach while his hands were tugging at my skirt. In seconds it was flung across the room as well as my panties. His jeans had disappeared as well and now he was standing there in full glory.

Suddenly the fantasy of Black naked on my bed popped into my head again and a wicked grin spread across my face.

"What?" the man in question asked.

"Nothing. Just thinking about how much fun I'm going to have with you," I said while looking at the lower parts of his body.

He laughed and dropped himself on the bed beside me. Before I could do anything he rolled on top of me and said huskily, "Not before I've had my fun with you."

It was great. Every movement of his body seemed to increase the tension in my own. All I wanted was to wrap myself as close as I could around him. Our rhythm grew faster and wilder in our attempt to pull each other even closer until every part of my body exploded in pleasure. Sirius collapsed on my chest, panting heavily.

The tingling sensation lingered in my body and I felt my eyelids getting heavy.

"Sirius?"

"Hmm…?"

"I'm falling asleep now."

"Me too."

Later I woke up to a little, cool breeze. I had been dreaming about it and I frowned now that it was still there while I was awake. That breeze was really, _really_ enjoyable and I arched my back slightly. Then I noticed that the window was shut.

Shaking off any remaining sleepiness I looked down to see Sirius's jet black hair a long way down my body and its owner doing some very provoking things to me.

He lifted his head with a mischievous grin. "Finally awake. I was beginning to run out of options here."

I made a face at him.

Still grinning he said, "You'll pay for that one," and lowered his head again. I fell back into the cushions of my bed, suddenly grateful for the Silencing Charm on my room.

It was too much. I moaned and tried to wriggle my way out of his grip, but he was merciless and just went on and on, driving me crazy. Just when I thought I was going out of my mind I let out a scream and I was drowned in waves of ecstasy.

Sirius's voice seemed a mile away. "A man sure has to work hard to put some humbleness into you."

"Shut up, Black," I panted. "I am trying to distinguish left and right from top and bottom, but it's proving to be very difficult right now."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Yes, you do that -- oh! No, Sirius, no. I can't take anymore."

"I think you can." He let his hands continue to stroke my over-sensitive skin. His head bent over my breasts and made a hot trail over my chest and neck.

I shivered and tilted my head to one side to allow him more access.

"I told you I would make you tremble."

"I didn't tremble, I just shivered."

"Really?" he mumbled to my skin.

"Yes."

"Then I suppose I'll have to try harder."

"What do you mean?"

"I'll show you." He moved his body, so that he was pressing me down in the mattress and while locking my eyes with his he worked a knee between my thighs.

I gasped. "Please." I was still so sensitive there I didn't think I could bear it. He pushed my legs wider and I tried to push him away. He grabbed my wrists and pinned them down on the mattress. His whole body weight was holding me down and I panted heavily in anger… and anticipation.

He watched my reaction for a while and smirked when I moved my hips closer to his. With a smug look he made a sudden movement that left me gasping for breath. There was no rest for me, because he continued his movements that became longer and deeper. The pleasure he invoked was bordering on pain, but my hips welcomed him in delight every time. He still had my wrists pinned down and kept my eyes locked in his.

After what seemed an eternity he let himself go, having ensured first that his pleasurable attack on my body had left me trembling severely.

Arms and legs still entangled with his, I closed my eyes. I drifted away in some very pleasant dreams, until a loud knocking on my door woke me.


	8. Diagon Alley

**Disclaimer: **As usual I don't own Harry Potter or any of the other characters. I just play around with them ;)

**Author's note: **Thanks again for the reviews. Sorry it took me so long to update, but I had to study for my exams (growls)

* * *

**Diagon Alley**

"What? Who?" I sat up straight blinking my eyes furiously to get rid of the sleep. "Who is it?"

"It's your mother, dear. Are you coming down for breakfast?"

"Breakfast?" I parroted stupidly. Then I remembered Sirius and slightly panicking I looked to my side. The bed was empty. I sighed in relief.

_Wait a minute. It wasn't just a dream, was it?_

I looked under the sheets. I was naked, the sheets were very creased, and there was a distinct musky scent around me.

_Definitely not a dream._

"Yes dear, breakfast. It's almost ten. You've been sleeping forever."

"Sleeping? Yes. Yes, I was sleeping."

"Are you all right? You sound a bit odd."

"I'm fine, Mother, I'll be down in a minute." I jumped from the bed, dashed into my bathroom and turned on the shower.

Ten minutes and a thorough re-living of the night before later I turned the shower off again. After I got dressed and dried my hair I went down for breakfast.

* * *

**Many, many miles from London**

"Padfoot, where the hell have you been?" Remus looked disapprovingly at his best friend with whom he was staying this holiday. Sirius had just strolled into his apartment with a satisfied grin on his face.

"Out," was the short answer.

"Yes, that I managed to comprehend all by myself."

"What excellent deduction skills you do have, Moony."

"What is her name, Padfoot?"

"Who says I've been with a girl?" Sirius asked indignantly, but he couldn't control his grin.

Remus snorted, but looked amused. "Why don't you take a shower and fix yourself up? We're supposed to meet James and Peter today, remember?"

"Shit, I forgot." Sirius looked at his friend. "Don't give me that look, Moony, you would have forgotten too if you had been where I was."

Remus laughed and said, "Spare me and save your story for when James and Peter are with us. I don't think I can bear hearing the details of your love life twice in one day."

An hour later the Marauders met at James's place.

"You're late," James said to Remus and Sirius.

Remus pointed towards Sirius, who still hadn't been able to wipe the smile of his face. "Ask him."

"Okay, Padfoot, what is her name?" James sighed.

"Whose name?" Peter asked. He had just entered the room. "Not a new victim, Padfoot?"

"What is it with you guys? You all think I sleep with a different girl every night!" Looking at the ironic faces of his friends, he said, "So maybe there's a grain of truth in there, but anyway, I can't tell her name, it would cause some difficulties if people found out."

"It's that girl you saved from Crast, isn't it?"

Sirius nodded. "You're being awfully perceptive today, Moony. All I can say it has been one of my greatest victories so far."

The other Marauders laughed. "Does she know that you feel this way about her? Or do we have to face yet another drama back at Hogwarts?" Peter asked warily.

Sirius grinned. "Trust me, you don't. She thinks I'm a annoying, arrogant bastard and good for nothing but…" His grin widened again when he thought about last night.

"Sounds like the perfect girl to me," James grinned.

"Don't let Lily hear that, Prongs, or she might want to get back to cursing you into oblivion," Remus said. "And things were going so well."

James looked a bit disconcerted and Sirius laughed.

Peter frowned. "If she doesn't like you, Padfoot, why did she let you spend the night?"

Sirius conjured up a very confident smirk. "Because, my dear Wormtail, no one can resist Padfoot's charms."

James snorted. "Yeah right, more like they can't resist the size of your -- Mum!" James jolted up straight.

"What would your friends like to drink, James? You really don't have any manners."

Stuttering slightly he said they would leave any minute and would eat in the city.

"Fine, dear. And Sirius, don't listen to my son, I'm sure girls are interested in your personality too."

James and Sirius both got scarlet red, which sent Remus and Peter almost into hysterics.

"Have fun, boys." Mrs. Potter closed the door again.

"Oh, man, I can't believe she heard that," Sirius groaned, embarrassed.

"I can't believe she _said_ that," James added, even more embarrassed.

Remus and Peter were still howling with laughter.

"Bugger off, you two. Come on, Padfoot, we can Apparate to my grandparents' house in London."

After greeting James's grandparents the Marauders went to Diagon Alley. Their first stop was at Quality Quidditch Supplies.

As usual Sirius and James got into an argument with a few fellow Hogwarts students about which was the best broom. After they had reached a compromise Sirius bought a repairing kit for his broom. As a Gryffindor Beater his broom got damaged quite often.

They went to Florian's for lunch and questioned Sirius some more about his night with the unknown girl.

Suddenly Remus's attention was diverted. Two pretty girls walked past the window. One had chocolate brown hair and the other girl's hair was a deep dark shade of red. Remus's eyes locked on the girl with the brown hair.

At that moment the girls turned to look inside and James's hand immediately went to his hair. The other girl was Lily Evans.

"Look, Moony, it's your favourite." Zarah Williams was a seventh-year Gryffindor and Remus had had a thing for her since the end of fifth year.

The girls giggled and walked inside. James stood up and invited them to come and sit with him.

Sirius cleared his throat.

"And with my friends, of course," James added, unabashed.

Lily sat next to James and Zarah next to Remus, a slightly pink tinge on her cheeks.

_This is an interesting new development, _Sirius thought with raised eyebrows and he leaned back in his chair to observe any further progress.

His thoughts, however, wandered off and he was mulling over possibilities to see Niamh again. The fact that she didn't like to give in to him and fought him and seriously doubted his charming personality was entirely new to him. Although her arrogance and derisive manners pissed him off, they were also the reason he wanted her. She was a challenge. He'd dated girls since his third year. The opportunity had always been there, and he felt that there was no reason not to seize it. Until he had more important things to be concerned with, of course, such as his friends, and pranks, angering his maniac family, and hexing those Slytherin Death Eaters in the making. Which was why he should probably just hex Niamh Carden instead of snog her, but he was fairly certain she wasn't a Death Eater. More importantly, his love life was becoming boring. He felt it was time for a new approach.

"Hey Padfoot! Earth to Padfoot!"

"What?" He cast an angry look.

"Do you want another drink?" Peter asked.

"Yeah, thanks."

Peter got up and walked to the counter. Sirius stared out the window again. Suddenly he jerked up. Two people had stopped in front of Florian's to talk to a third person they had just run into.

"Well, if it isn't the Slytherin Ice Queen," James scoffed. "Who is the guy with her?"

"That's her brother. His name is Rowan. Graduated Hogwarts last year," Sirius said, still looking at the two.

Whereas Niamh's hair was a mix of red and copper curls, the man's hair was going more towards blond. They both had the same dark blue eyes. Niamh's face was a delicate copy of that of her brother. He towered almost a feet over the girl – Sirius knew he could easily look that guy in the eye – although her air made it seem she was the same size as her brother.

They were talking to a girl with raven hair. Sirius knew her name was Lana. They had kissed in third year. She was an incurable flirt and was in possession of a reputation even worse than his. _Quite the achievement_, he judged. She was always hanging out with Niamh and his cousin Narcissa, along with the rest of the Slytherin gang of course.

The girls were talking animatedly to each other and showing each other what they had been shopping for. The young wizard shook his head in slight exasperation and said something, which caused Lana to focus her attention on him. She immediately turned her tricks on him and within seconds he just stood there grinning stupidly. Niamh looked at her brother and rolled her eyes.

Sirius chuckled.

"What are you laughing at, Padfoot?" Remus asked absently, his eyes still on Zarah.

"Just marvelling at the impeccable seduction skills of Lana Langdon."

"Sirius, how come you seem so familiar with them?" Zarah asked curiously. "You're not exactly known for your friendliness towards Slytherin."

He turned his attention to the dark-headed girl and flashed a charming smile. "Well, Zarah, before I joined these depraved, immoral, and corrupted perverts," Sirius laughed at the protests of his friends, " I was actually born and raised into a well-bred family. Of course, there was no hope for me from the beginning," he winked, "but anyway, my family and theirs are well acquainted."

"He is quite handsome," Lily said to her friend, who nodded, leaving James and Remus look rather offended.

"Well, if you're into the whole watch-me-being-a-pureblood-with-a-stick-shoved-up-my-arse thing," James said grudgingly.

"Jealous?" Lily asked in a sweet voice. James glared at her. Lily giggled and said she needed to use the ladies' room. Zarah immediately got up and followed her friend across the lunch room.

Remus cast his hands in the air in despair. "What is it with girls and going to the bathroom simultaneously? It's like some sort of secret password. One of them says the magic word and they all run to the loo."

They all laughed, except Peter, who had missed the whole thing and was now putting the drinks on the table.

"What, you scared the girls away already?" he teased James and Remus. They immediately protested and started to discuss the nutty habits of the female population.

Sirius wasn't paying attention. His muscles had tightened when he saw Niamh, Rowan, and Lana enter Florian's. Rowan moved to the counter to ask for a table and Niamh and Lana kept on chatting while they waited. Niamh laughed at something Lana said and her eyes skimmed the lunch room until they rested on the Marauder's group. She stiffened and remained frozen for a few seconds. Then she blinked and put up a bored face. She looked a little flushed.

Remus, who had followed his friend's stare, was the only one who noticed her behaviour. Then he looked at Sirius's face. The rather greedy expression on it confirmed his suspicions.

"Oh my God, Padfoot, tell me you didn't," he groaned. But he knew Sirius wouldn't. He remembered Niamh dancing with Marcus Crast and Sirius's remark about a great victory certainly applied to this girl.

"Did what?" James asked, oblivious to what had been going on. He looked over his shoulder to follow Remus and Sirius's stare and after a few seconds he came to the only logical conclusion.

"You slept with Lana?" he asked incredulously. Then he started to look puzzled. "Why would that be a great victory? I mean, I heard she's even slept with teachers, so certainly she wouldn't refuse _you_."

"Although I must remember to thank you for your high opinion of me – I wasn't completely sure whether I was more popular with girls than teachers are, but now I am, thank you. However, I'm afraid I must deny sleeping with Lana," Sirius said.

Still staring at the girls James muttered, "But what's going on then?" Suddenly his eyes widened in shock. "Carden! You slept with Carden?" he hissed, jerking his head back to face his friend.

"The female specimen, yes." Sirius added, just to be safe.

Peter choked on his drink. "Why would you do that?" he hissed. "She's scary."

James's expression turned into an impressed one. "Wow, Padfoot, that is, without question, a great achievement. I am proud of you."

Remus slapped his hand to his forehead. "You two are impossible. Padfoot, you do realize that this girl's family is full of Death Eaters and that she was destined to be one or marry one even before she was born?"

"I wouldn't be so sure of that, Moony. After all, she ditched Lucius Malfoy. There must be some sense in her. Besides, that is not the point, I only shagged her, I didn't propose."

"Just be careful her family doesn't find out. Torture would be one of the least painful things they would do to you."

"Moony, come on. You're talking to Padfoot here!"

"Exactly."

* * *

**Across the dining room**

_Oh Merlin, oh Merlin! _

I didn't expect to see the man I had shagged the previous night sitting only a couple of feet away the next morning, looking at me with an unreadable expression on his face.

Then I noticed Remus Lupin's stare. I quickly put on an uninterested face.

_Bugger! _Not quick enough I realized when I saw Lupin look at Black's face and back at mine. His eyes grew wide and he whispered something to Sirius.

Potter started to interfere as well. He looked over his shoulder at me – I was staring at some non-existent point in the wall – and looked confused. He looked back at his friends said something and looked at me again. His eyes became the size of saucers and quickly he turned back to talk to Sirius, who replied.

Lana noticed the Marauders too and said, "Well, look at that."

_Yeah, look at that._

"Er… Lana?"

"Yes?"

"I have to tell you something."

"What is it?" She looked me curiously in the eye.

"I did something."

Her eyes narrowed slightly at my flustered face; then she looked back at the Marauders. Sirius was still staring at me with that look, which Lana apparently could read a lot better than I could. She looked at me again and raised an eyebrow. "Don't you mean you did someone?"

"Lana!" I hissed though clenched jaws. "Not so loud!" I stared pointedly at my brother's back.

"It's Black, isn't it?" Lana chuckled. "Didn't I tell you? How was he?"

"Not here. Let's go to the loo." I tapped Rowan on his shoulder. "We're going to the toilet. Be right back."

On our way there we walked past Lily Evans and Zarah Williams. I was so distracted I even said them hello, at which they looked at me strangely.

_Stupid cow! Are you trying to let everybody know what happened? _

I was beginning to feel a bit paranoid. I checked all the doors in the bathroom. Fortunately nobody was there.

"So?" Lana repeated. "How was he?"

I couldn't help but grin. "It was amazing. I think I'm still tingling."

Lana giggled.

"But Lana, you can't tell anyone. Not even Narcissa. Especially not Narcissa. I need you to swear it. If anyone found out, my family would too and I really don't want that kind of dragon dung hitting the fan, all right?"

"All right, I'll swear it on my wand." She got it out and performed a standard vow. "There, now I can't tell anyone, even if I wanted to."

I smiled. "Thanks."

"On to the more interesting stuff. Are you going to do it again?"

I thought for a moment. "I don't know. It wouldn't be such a good idea, I think. No, it was just a one-night-stand."

I looked at Lana, who seemed a bit disappointed.

"Tell me, did you and Devon…?" The smirk on my friend's face told me all I needed to know.

We giggled, but were cut off when two women entered the restroom.

"I'll fill you in on the New Year's party," she whispered.

We left the restroom and sat down with Rowan, who had got a table. I looked around only to find the Marauders gone.

_Probably best._

An hour later we said goodbye to Lana and I dragged my brother to Flourish and Blott's. I absolutely loved books and wanted to look around for a while.

Rowan groaned. "You and your books. I'm amazed you still have time to breathe."

"Piss off."

"Language, little sister. I'll wait outside."

"Fine," I said and walked into the shop.

_Heaven!_

Books were piled up to the ceiling everywhere, in all sorts of colours and sizes. Old books, new books, tiny books, large books, spell books, history books. I inhaled. _Parchment and ink. _There was always a special smell in this shop, like a library. I loved it. I picked up a book and opened it. Within seconds I was completely taken up in book-browsing.

"Nice rack."

I nearly dropped the book I was holding and looked up in a pair of amused grey eyes.

I raised a haughty eyebrow. "I assume you're talking about the book racks?"

"Absolutely not."

I rolled my eyes.

He leaned over to me. "What are you reading?" The nearness of his body immediately made my knees wobbly.

_You're in the middle of Flourish and Blott's! People can see you._

That brought me to my senses and I stepped away from him. "Not here," I hissed.

He looked around the shop, grabbed my arm and pulled me behind an enormous pile of books. Checking if no one saw us, he kissed me thoroughly for a couple of seconds and then let go, grinning.

I protested, but he just kissed me again.

"You can't expect me to do nothing if you look like that," he said a little while later, eyeing me lustfully. I grinned softly and let a hand run over his stomach and lower and lower. He began to breathe heavily and I smirked maliciously.

"Poor Mr. Black. Looks like you've got a little problem." Still rubbing him softly I said, "Correction, this is not a little problem anymore, I believe."

I turned around and left him there, cursing me in a low voice.


	9. Overlooked Entanglements

**Disclaimer: **The usual...don't own Harry.

**Author's note: **Am I fast, or what? ;) Enjoy!

* * *

**Overlooked entanglements**

Four days later our entire house was in chaos. My mother tried to be in twenty places at the same time, making sure that even the finest details were looked after. Our guests for the New Year's party would be arriving in an hour and I had gone upstairs trying to avoid my mother. She always got like this when she was organizing a party. Things always had to be perfect and adjusted at the last moment.

I had just taken a bath and walked back into my room wrapped in towels. I put on silk underwear and stockings and started working on my make-up. After that I dried my hair and pulled it back twisting it around my fingers and pinning it high on the back of my head. I missed our house elf Dinky sorely as I wrestled with my unwilling curls, but she was already claimed by my mother.

I looked at the clock. Only ten minutes left. My mother would go insane if I was late for the party, so I quickly got out my dress for the evening. It was a luscious shade of red, almost blood red, and fitted my body tightly. It showed rather a lot of cleavage, but it wasn't indecent. Barely. My mother had not approved entirely, but in another fit of stubbornness, which I seem to suffer from a lot lately, I had insisted. I put a necklace of rubies embedded in silver around my neck. Then I slipped into my heels and went downstairs.

My father and brother were already there, both looking handsome in their classic black dress robes. They were the same height and their faces were almost identical. My father's hair was longer than my brother's and was the same colour as mine. They smiled at me and said I looked beautiful.

Deirdre came rushing downstairs in a blue dress, her shoes clutched in her hand. "Am I late, am I late?" she wheezed. Looking around she noticed my mother wasn't there yet and she sighed in relief. Rowan burst into laughter and kissed her affectionately on the cheek.

"You're always late, little imp."

Deirdre threw her brother a nasty look, but she had to swallow her reply when my mother came down the stairs.

My father offered her his hand and said, "Astarte, you look stunning." And she did. My mother's curls were shining like gold and her face glowed in excitement. Her green dress contrasted her pale skin and blonde hair and matched her moss green eyes.

She smiled at her husband. The doors went open to let the first guests in and we all took our place to greet them.

It was my mother's brother, Melchior, and his wife Ismene. They were followed by their sons Rabastan and Rodolphus, whose wife was a little behind him talking to her sister and parents.

Bellatrix and Narcissa greeted me warmly and stayed a while to chat, because no guests were following yet.

However, the doors went open again to let in an enormous stream of guests and they waved goodbye quickly.

_Ugh, I can't believe how stuck-up Bellatrix is, it's almost humanly impossible!_

My two uncles from my father's side were the first to enter the house. They were followed by my aunts and cousins.

The Dolohovs, Rosiers, Snapes, Greenways, Grahams, Flints, Remingtons, Malfoys, Langdons – Lana gave me a meaningful look and I tried to hide my smile – Fudges, Grants, Donovans, Notts, Graysons, Montagues, Bulstrodes, Camerons, Longbottoms, Fairfaxes, Crouches, Parkinsons, Zabinis, McDougals, Owens…

Rowan whispered in my ear, "How many people did she invite?"

I chuckled, but stopped when I looked into a familiar face. I tried to calm myself.

_It's not him!_

I was staring in the face of Regulus Black. His hair was considerably shorter than his brother's, his eyes were brown instead of grey and he was a bit leaner, but still, the resemblance was startling.

I smiled to hide my feelings. "Hi Regulus. Still enjoying the holidays?"

"Yes, very much. And you?"

_Enjoying the holidays? Well, I suppose you could put it that way…_

"Me too."

"Reggie!" my sister exclaimed. "Stop lingering and come and greet me properly."

Regulus looked apologetically at me, but turned his attention to his classmate. I greeted Sirius's parents and sighed silently in relief when they had passed.

_Oh, bugger!_

Marcus Crast was standing in front of me. "Hi, Niamh." He looked very guilty.

"Hello, Marcus," I said carefully.

"I -- I wanted to say -- "

"Shh, we'll talk about it later." I smiled. Looking a bit relieved he walked to my sister, who gave me a what-was-that look after he had left. I shrugged and mouthed 'later' to her. My mother would kill me if I made a scene at her party.

Finally, after more than an hour, we could go into the ballroom. I got myself a drink and went to look for Lana and Narcissa.

I found them sitting in the middle of a large group of Hogwarts' students and I joined them. Most of them were fellow Slytherins. Alanna Grant, Melody Owen, and Diana Parkinson were seventh-years and casual friends of mine; so were Ravenclaws Daphne Remington and Seline Greenway. Phaedra Grayson and my sister were two years younger. They were accompanied by Marcus, Devon Malfoy, Severus, and Gareth Donovan. George Fairfax joined the group simultaneously with me. He was a seventh-year Ravenclaw.

I sat next to Lana and looked around. My brother was talking to his friends. They had all graduated Hogwarts last year. Patrick McDougall, Barclay Nott, Antonin Dolohov, Seth Zabini, and a wizard who I thought was Seth's younger brother Orion. I believed he was in his sixth-year at Hogwarts.

Seth's attention was drawn to a dark-haired girl that had joined the group.

"That is his fiancée, Amelia Rosier," Narcissa said.

"Oh," Lana said, "doesn't she have that gorgeous brother? What's his name -- Bryce?"

"I think you're mistaking him for his brother, Evan. He's the gorgeous one. Bryce is handsome too, but -- well, in a different way," Narcissa said, referring to Bryce's blatant homosexuality.

I frowned. "Evan, isn't he much older?"

"No, silly," Narcissa said. "He is twenty-five. He lived in Italy for four years, but he returned a few weeks ago."

Now I remembered the tall and handsome man with sun-streaked brown hair that had kissed my hand gallantly.

"I came back the right time, I see. You've grown into a fine woman, Niamh," he had said.

"Thank you," I had replied, trying to remember his name.

I spent some more time discussing the wizards and witches present, and talked to some of my classmates. I engaged in a bit of verbal sparring with Severus, on whom I could always count if I got tired of mindless chatter.

The music switched from chamber music to dance music and my parents danced the first dance. Lana was asked to dance by Devon and Narcissa by Gareth. Someone put a hand on my shoulder and I looked behind me.

"May I have this dance?" Evan Rosier asked.

"Of course, Evan."

"Ah, I see you've remembered my name."

I smiled apologetically. "Sorry, I was hoping you hadn't noticed."

"I don't mind. You were thirteen, I believe, when I last saw you."

He put a hand on my waist and held my hand with his other and led the dance. He was an excellent dancer. I had not expected anything else.

It was easy to make conversation when I was being led around the dance floor so expertly. "You lived in Italy for four years, I heard."

"Yes, I went there to finish my education. After that, I was offered a job, so I decided to stay."

"So why did you come back? Italy seems a wonderful country to me."

"It is. But I got transferred. I hope you don't mind."

_Is he flirting with me?_

"Certainly not," I laughed. "But I will mind you not telling me some more about Italy."

"We can't have that, now can we?" he said, raising an eyebrow playfully. "I lived in Florence, which is such a beautiful city, I can't even begin to tell you."

"Do try."

He grinned. "Very well, if you insist." He told me all about Florence's beautiful buildings and history and I kept asking questions. He was a good story-teller, easily holding my attention. He told me he had also visited Venice and Rome.

"I think I'm green with envy, Evan. It doesn't match my dress very well, I'm afraid."

He looked amused at me. "You really are something else."

After the dance he brought me back to my friends, kissed my hand again, and asked if he could come back for another dance later.

"I would love to dance with you again," I said, smiling genuinely.

When I sat down next to Lana and Narcissa I said, "Stop drooling you two, it'll ruin your dresses."

"He is so goodlooking," Lana said. Then she gave me a odd look. "What about…?"

I shushed her when Narcissa looked curiously our way. "Come on."

I got up and Lana followed me. Fortunately Narcissa was distracted by Severus, who asked her to dance. Lana and I went to my room.

"What about Sirius?" she enquired.

I looked confused. "What about him? It was just a shag, Lana. And before you start, there is nothing going on with me and Evan, he was just being polite and so was I. "

"Alright. But he is definitely nice to look at," she said.

"Yes, he is," I agreed.

"Evan too, by the way," Lana said cheekily.

I stuck out my tongue. "Tell me about you and Devon."

Lana instantly gave me a fully detailed report of her several rendezvous with Devon Malfoy. After that I told her all about Sirius.

Half an hour later we returned downstairs, with our cheeks red and still giggling.

It had seemed to become a pleasant evening. I talked to lots of people and I even straightened things out a bit with Marcus, who was deeply remorseful of his behaviour. In spite of my earlier thoughts, the evening became less amusing when I noticed the conversations had switched to the Muggle and Muggle-born killings that had been going on for almost a year.

I knew about a third- and a fourth-year that had been murdered along with their family. One had been a Muggle-born; the other had had Muggle-born parents.

There was also sixth-year Ravenclaw whose parents were murdered, because they were Muggle-born. The girl had escaped because she had been staying at a friend's place. I never let anyone notice, because the general opinion in my family was that they deserved it, but it had upset me and I pitied the girl. I took care not to say anything like that out loud, though.

And things seemed to be getting worse. I had recently found out that my brother and most of his friends were deeply involved in these attacks. I even thought they might have become Death Eaters after they had graduated. I suspected Lucius of being a Death Eater as well and Bellatrix and Rodolphus had the words practically written on their foreheads; so had Rabastan. What I didn't know was how much my parents were involved and I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

I knew people thought I was the perfect Slytherin pure-blood witch that agreed with Voldemort whole-heartedly and that would make a respectable marriage, but I wasn't. I didn't want to be. Neither could I agree with Voldemort's ideas. It didn't matter how I felt though, it was how my life was going to turn out. From the moment I was born, I was brought up for a single purpose. To be an asset to my family. I _was_ an asset to my family. I took great pains to be so.

But for some reason I needed little things for myself, such as the red dress I was wearing, my friendship with Lana, my break-up with Lucius, my incredibly stupid liaison with Sirius Black. I had not idea why I was doing it, but I couldn't seem to stop myself. Was I just trying to just hold off what was coming nearer inevitably? I had escaped the first trap by breaking off my relationship with Lucius, but I knew there was another one waiting for me. I blinked. A trap. Had I really just called it that?

Shaking off my dark thoughts I looked around for a waiter, but a glass of champagne had already appeared in front of my face.

"It's almost midnight," Evan said.

I accepted the drink and looked at Evan. _Excellent way to spend the evening._

After we had counted the seconds to the new year we kissed each other on the cheeks.

"You are an exceptionally beautiful woman. I'm sure we'll be seeing more of each other," he said softly, still standing close.

Flattered but also surprised, I looked up at him.

People came to wish us a happy new year, so I didn't get to ask what he meant by it. We got separated and I didn't get to talk to him again. By the end of the evening his remark had already slipped my mind.


	10. Caught?

**Disclaimer: **the usual...

**Author's note: **Another chapter, this one is Sirius&smirk included, promise ;) Thanks for the review.

* * *

**Caught?**

After the party I went to bed, completely exhausted. It was four in the morning and my feet were killing me. I rolled into my bed and fell asleep immediately.

I woke up the next afternoon. My whole family had slept in, except my mother, who had been running the household as usual. Her energy and enthusiasm about something as boring as the household always made me wonder whether she was on some kind of drug, or something.

I spend the entire day hanging around lazily, reading a bit and recovering from a mild hangover. My brother was suffering from a huge hangover and I couldn't help but snigger at his obvious misery. The wizard who would find a working antidote against hangovers would be a rich man.

The next day I decided to do some homework and I stayed up in my room most of the day. After a late dinner I went back upstairs to reread my favourite novel, an old edition of a collection of macabre tales. My parents had always indulged their daughter's bookishness.

At eleven o'clock I changed into my nightgown. When I had taken off my shirt and skirt and reached for the gown, there was a loud _crack. _Someone just Apparated in my room. I grabbed my wand and spun around to face the intruder.

"That's what I call a warm welcome," Sirius said, his eyes travelling over my body.

I pointed the wand at the door and uttered, "_Colloportus_!" The door sealed with a squelch.

"_Silencio_!" Sirius grinned, aiming his own wand at the door.

"You are insane! You've only been here once before. You can't just Apparate here. You could have gotten splinched!"

"Of course I wouldn't have. I do it all the time."

"What about Anti-Apparition protection?"

"I noticed last time there's only Anti-Apparition around the whole property. Once you get inside the garden, Apparating is easy."

"You are such an arrogant arse."

"Be nice, Carden."

"To you? Sorry, not possible."

He gave a mock sigh and taking off his cloak he said, "I knew I should have brought my dragonskin gloves."

I frowned. "Why?"

"Because no one can handle you without them."

"Oh shut up, Black. Why are you here anyway?"

"For one of the smartest students in our year you do ask surprisingly stupid questions. Why do you think I'm here?"

"To piss me off?" I guessed, pretending to be completely serious. "Well, that's working, I can tell you."

"I'm here to get back at you for being incredibly cruel to me in Flourish and Blott's. That was not a nice thing to do, miss Carden." He gave me a stern look, pointing his finger reprovingly at me.

I chuckled. "How did you fix your… er… problem?"

He glared at me. "By thinking of very, _very_ unpleasant thoughts. Such as Severus Snape and professor Binns. It worked quite well, actually."

"Watch your mouth! Severus is a friend of mine and I like professor Binns."

He looked incredulously at me. "You have got to be kidding me. Snivellus I can understand in some weird, sick way, with your Slytherin thing going on. But Binns? That man is so boring he could put a dragon to sleep. The only reason I got an OWL in that class is because Remus actually took notes in class. And you're taking it NEWT level!" He shook his head. "I always knew Slytherins were mad, but this proves it beyond any doubt."

"Mad! The only mad one here is you, Apparating into my room out of thin air."

"Most people Apparate out of thin air."

"Don't get smart with me!"

"What were you going to do about it?"

"Drop the arrogant smirk, Black, I know what you're thinking."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do. It's not so difficult to guess."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Prove it."

I narrowed my eyes at him, walked over to him and kissed him. I slipped my tongue in his mouth and let it battle his. Sirius's chuckle turned into a surprised yelp when I pushed him forcefully against the wall and unbuttoned his shirt. I kissed his torso, moaning in delight. His muscles were clear-defined and hard. I dropped to my knees, undoing his belt.

His hands, which were caressing my shoulders, moved to my arms and he lifted me to my feet.

"Nice try," he said, looking amused at my smirk. "But this time I'm in control."

He twirled me around and now I was the one pushed against the wall. I wrapped my legs around his hips and tugged at his bottom lip with my teeth until he replied with a fierce kiss that left us both panting.

"How do you suppose I get my pants off now?" he said, grinning.

"Table, there," I panted. He held me close while he walked to the small table that was full of books, parchment rolls, perfume bottles, make-up and crèmes. Placing me in the middle of it, several bottles were pushed over the side, shattering on the floor. Neither of us noticed it, being taken up in a passionate kiss. Any remaining barriers between us were disposed off in seconds.

Sirius pulled back a little to look me in the eye and smiled. I noticed his canines were somewhat pointy, which made him look a bit predatory as he took in my body with a ravenous gleam in his eyes, slowly pulling it closer to him. My breath hitched and I cried out when we were finally joined together.

Suddenly the blissful look on Sirius's face turned into a horrified one. He was looking at the door. I followed his gaze and froze. The doorknob was moving.

"Miss Carden? What was all that racket? Is you all right?"

"Who is that?" Sirius hissed.

"Our house elf," I hissed back. Then I shouted, "I'm fine, Dinky. I just dropped a bottle of perfume on the floor."

"Is Miss sure? Dinky thought she hears voices," the ruddy elf persisted.

"Make her go away, I won't stop now. I will take you in front of the little hag if I have to," Sirius threatened.

_Bugger, no problem imagining that…_

I shouted at Dinky, "I was just talking to myself about the bottle."

"Very well, does Miss want Dinky to clean it up?"

Sirius gave a low groan, resting his head on my shoulder.

"No, I'll do it myself."

Sirius started moving against my body again and I could barely contain a moan. In a high voice I said, "Goodnight, Dinky."

"Goodnight, Miss." Little footsteps were moving away from my door, but my attention had already turned to Sirius.

"No. Bloody. Charm. On. The. Bloody. Walls," he groaned to my skin.

"Stupid," I agreed.

Sweating and panting we worked our way to a climax and breathing heavily Sirius buried his head in my neck. "Merlin's socks, that was close." He laughed.

I wasn't so amused. "You should go. Dinky's bound to tell my mother. She'll be up here any minute."

He nodded. "You're right." He scurried around looking for his shirt. Watching his tall and toned figure made me want him again. Unconsciously I licked my lips.

Sirius had noticed it and looked at me in slight disbelief. He walked over to me and grinned, "You wanton woman, you're making this very hard for me." He dressed himself and pulled me close for a last deep kiss and then Disapparated.

I quickly put on my underwear and my night dress and removed the spells from the door.

"_Evanesco,_" I muttered, pointing my wand at the mess on the floor.

The door opened and my mother's head peeked inside. "What is going on, dear?"

I pretended to look puzzled. "What do you mean, Mother?"

"Dinky told me there were voices in your room and she couldn't get in."

I rolled my eyes. "I was just changing into my night dress and I dropped a bottle of perfume on the floor. I was telling myself off for being such an idiot. It was a very expensive bottle."

"Ah, I see."

_Leave, just leave._

My mother walked inside and sat herself on the edge of my bed.

_Great._

"You know, Evan Rosier was quite taken with you."

"Oh, Mother, he was just being polite. I'm just a girl compared to him."

"You're not, Niamh." She smiled at me. "I can't believe how fast you've grown. Your father told me lots of men were asking him questions about you. We'll have no trouble finding a suitable husband for you." She got up and walked over to me. " I know you'll make the right choice." She gently laid a hand on my cheek and kissed me goodnight.

Then she frowned. "Is that cologne I smell?"

My stomach turned. "Yes, must be Rowan's. I went to say goodnight a little earlier."

"Well, goodnight."

"Goodnight." I stood there for a long time staring at the door. It seemed I didn't get any time off, before the matchmaking started again. After mulling it over for hours and hours in my bed, I decided that I at least had another term at Hogwarts and until I graduated, nothing would happen.

* * *

I saw him again on Platform 9 ¾ . He winked openly at me. My jaw dropped in indignation. 

Narcissa read my face wrongly and sputtered, "Honestly, I can't believe he would wink at you. You've hexed him into the infirmary a dozen times. One would say you've scared him off."

_Seems I've used the wrong scare tactics, then._

"Well, Cis, he is a guy and all guys just follow their dicks. And Sirius's actually has a compass attached to it that will lead him to anything with cleavage," I sneered crudely and threw Sirius a death glare.

He grabbed his chest and staggered backwards, mocking an injury.

_I wish my looks could actually kill, because then you would be nothing more than a pile of smoking ash._

I rolled my eyes and stepped on the train. "Come on, guys."

We found an empty compartment and were joined by Marcus, Devon, and Gareth. We talked about the parties we had all been at and our graduation plans. I had a huge lump in my stomach, because I knew there would not be any plans for me after graduation. I would have a ring on my finger, tying me to some respectable Voldemort-supporting pure-blood wizard.

I stared gloomily out of the window.

* * *

**Five compartments ahead**

"Lily!" James shouted, jumping up from his seat.

The girl opened the compartment door. "Hi everyone!" She looked at James and blushed. James had invited her to his New Year's party and they had finally kissed.

"Come and sit with us."

"I was looking for Zarah, actually," Lily answered.

"She'll find you soon enough. She can come and sit here too, Moony doesn't mind," Sirius said, giving his friend a wink, who repaid him with a nasty glare. Lily giggled.

"Fine," she gave in and sat next to James. They soon had eye for no one but each other, Remus was reading a book, which meant he was residing temporarily on another world, and Peter had already gone off to look for his girlfriend.

Sirius sighed. He was bored. He thought about his last visit to Niamh and grinned at the thought they had almost been caught. He sure would have liked to see the look on Bran Carden's face if he saw his daughter being shagged by a blood traitor.

He remembered their little encounter on the platform. No one but him had noticed that her lips were slightly parted and that she had looked him up and down with a hungry expression on her face. That was, until he had winked at her. It had immediately provoked the reaction he had hoped for – he liked teasing her – and she had cast him a deadly look.

She couldn't resist him, but would rather go to hell than admit it. He wondered when he would be able to meet her again. Just thinking about her had brought a tension to his body that made his black jeans uncomfortably tight.

He groaned. This was going to be a long ride.

* * *

**Hogwarts **

_Great… Just absolutely great! How am I going to avoid this?_

I was staring at an all too familiar scene in one the Hogwarts corridors. One that I had managed to avoid ever since second term had begun, five weeks ago. Sirius Black, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin were yelling and shouting at Severus Snape, Devon Malfoy, and Marcus Crast.

_Bugger! Too late._

James had noticed me standing a little behind the Slytherins and sneered, "Look who has showed up. The Slytherin Ice Queen. Watch out guys, or she'll freeze your balls off."

The Slytherins all got their wands out and Devon yelled, "Take that back, you wanker."

"Really, Devon, after seven years here you'd think I can take care of myself. I don't need to you to stand up for me." I gave him a rather cool look. "Besides, the day I'm disturbed with anything Potty says is the day hell freezes over." I shot a nasty glance at Potter. "Whether that is by my own doing or not."

Sirius grinned. "She's got you there, Prongs." He twirled his wand loosely and looked entirely unconcerned at the three wands that were pointed at him. It infuriated me.

"Don't get me started on you, Black. I'll celebrate the day your balls freeze over, because that will be a blessing for many a girl at Hogwarts."

Sirius clutched his heart. "And here I thought you liked me." The look in his eyes reminded me of five weeks of him cornering me in the hallways and sneaking off for a session of -- well, things you normally don't do in hallways.

"Thinking has never been your thing. I suggest you just give up trying."

Peter Pettigrew yelled a spell that sent me flying at least ten feet across the corridor. Sirius looked startled, but had to defend himself from the Slytherin hexes.

I jumped to my feet and ran back to the group. I managed to jinx Pettigrew so badly he lay unconscious to the floor, which caused James to attack me. Just in time I conjured a shield and the curse bounced off.

"WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME IS GOING ON HERE?"

We instantly stopped casting spells at each other and looked to see who had caught us.

_Bugger! McGonagall! Well, at least the Marauders will be punished as well._

"In my office, all of you. Now!" McGonagall bellowed.

After she had taken Pettigrew to the infirmary, McGonagall marched into her office and placed herself behind her desk and left us standing in front of her. Sirius had managed to stand next to me and mumbled, "You all right?"

I nodded very slightly and then almost shrieked. The impertinent bastard had just grabbed my arse.

"Mr. Black, stop mumbling and tell me what was going on."

Black gave his Head of House a charming smile and said, "Well, we got into a small argument and --"

"A SMALL ARGUMENT? You were practically tearing down the walls! And I am particularly disappointed in you, Mr. Potter and Mr. Lupin, Head Boy and Prefect! You have shamed your house."

James opened his mouth to say something.

"Not another word, Potter. You will receive two weeks of detention. All of you," she added, looking at Severus, Devon, Marcus and me. "And I will inform professor Morton."

She threw a last angry look at all of us. "You will report to my office tonight at seven o'clock. Dismissed."

We left the office and split up immediately.


	11. Caught!

**Disclaimer: **the same as in the first ten chapters...

**Author's note: **Thanks again for the reviews. Please keep them coming!

**cjblack: **Good question! I was wondering when someone brought that up. It was bothering me a lot when I first started thinking about this story, only I wondered why Snape didn't know about Peter, if he spied for the Order, which I think he did, by the way. Don't want to tell too much about it, because it is part of the plot, of course. Anyway, I remember Siriusyelling at Peter in the Shrieking Shack that he had been passing information to Voldemort for a year before James and Lily died. Niamh was betrayed quite some time before James and Lily's death, so Peter had just been recruited at that time.  
I always had the feeling that the Death Eaters have some sort of hierarchy. I mean, look at the way Lucius Malfoy orders the others around in the MoM. Surely the high-ranking Death Eaters didn't keep themselves occupied with all those eager little wizards that wanted to join the Death Eaters... And Voldemort would not have trusted Peter easily. So Peter would have to come up with something huge to be accepted in the Death Eater ranks...

**hpotterandfriendsruletheworld: **I'm glad you liked it. I thought they needed a bit of a compromising situation lol! Detention coming up, but something's biting up Sirius' arse, though.

**DollFace080: **Thanks! Here's another chapter. Hope you like it.There will be a slight change in whatever those two have in this chapter.

**Warning: **There's a bit of an edgy sexual situation in this chapter, so read at your own risk! You've been warned.

* * *

**Caught!**

That evening at seven I was rounding the corner to McGonagall's office when I heard people talking. I stopped when I heard Potter's raised voice.

"Merlin's beard, Padfoot, she hexed Peter unconscious! Stop thinking with your dick and face the facts. She's just another Slytherin hag who happens to be a good shag and you know it!"

"Like you wouldn't have retaliated if someone sent you sprawling like that. And maybe you didn't notice, but she didn't get our her wand until _after _Wormtail had jinxed her," Sirius shouted.

"He's right, Prongs. Maybe she was trying to cool everybody down." That was Remus's quiet voice.

James snorted. "She did a good job."

"Oh come on, Prongs, you're the one who insulted her."

_What the hell? Why is he standing up for me?_

I cleared my throat and said sarcastically, "I'm sorry for interrupting your little get-together. You sounded like you were having so much fun."

I turned to Potter. "And just so you know, James…" he looked a little taken aback when I used his first name, I noticed with satisfaction, "Remus is right. I was trying to cool you down, but I don't take people hexing and insulting me very well. I'm sure you understand."

Sirius smirked at me.

"Stop smirking at me, arrogant arse, of I might hex you as well."

"Where's Snivellus and the rest of his gang?" he riposted.

"Over there." I nodded my head at the Slytherins, who had just walked into the corridor. "And stop calling him Snivellus."

"Why? He is a little snivelling -- hello Severus, finally decided to join us?"

I glared at Sirius. Severus flipped him the finger, but before things could get out of hand any further McGonagall arrived and ushered us into her office.

"Very well. Mr. Potter and Mr. Snape will be cleaning all the toilets on the first floor, without magic. Mr. Lupin and Mr. Crast will do the same with the toilets on the second floor. Mr. Malfoy will help Madame Pince replacing books in the library and Mr. Black and Miss Carden will be cleaning the storage rooms in the dungeons."

I looked at her in horror. The storage rooms. No one had been there in centuries. Literally. It was a total mess. Sirius had the same horrified look on his face and he sputtered, "Cleaning!"

"Yes, Mr. Black, cleaning. Hopefully it will benefit your character."

"Doubtful," I snorted.

"What was that, Miss Carden? Three extra nights of detention for you."

Sirius grinned at me.

"And for you, Mr. Black."

He scowled.

When we were walking to the dungeons, I said innocently, "I don't know what you're sulking about. Detention is nothing new to you."

He glared at me. "I'm not sulking, I'm merely thinking on ways to get in your pants as soon as possible."

His answer got me by surprise and I giggled. "Really? I'd like to see you try."

He grinned mischievously. "If only there were any alcoves in this corridor, but alas..."

Slightly disappointed I walked to the storage rooms.

The caretaker, Mr. Filch, was waiting for us and gave us instructions. He opened the door and ushered us inside.

It was a nightmare. There were gigantic cobwebs hanging from the ceiling and the countless shelves, which were cramped with bottles, jars, boxes and Merlin knew what else. Dust was everywhere, making me cough.

Filch laughed evilly and left us there.

"Just a quick question..." Sirius glanced at me. "Have you ever cleaned?"

"Nope…"

"Thought so. I'm not highly experienced either."

"So, now what?"

"Well, since neither of us has a wand, I guess we just have to start somewhere and see where we end up." He looked miserably at the cleaning equipment in his hands.

"Right, so let's start with those shelves over there. They don't look so bad."

"That's merely a matter of opinion," he replied darkly.

We started emptying the shelves, which were so cramped it took us almost half an hour.

"Okay, so you clean the shelves, you're much taller than me, and I'll start on these," I said, pointing at the contents of the shelves.

After working in silence for a while, Sirius asked, "So why did you do it?"

"Do what?" I asked absent-mindedly, rubbing a particularly nasty stain of one of the bottles.

He chuckled and I looked up. "What?"

"You look charming."

I was sitting crossed-legged on the floor, bottles and jars scattered around me, my skirt and blouse covered in dirt and dust, not to mention my face, and my hair was tangled and falling to my face. There was not a charming detail to be found around me.

I snorted. "Some taste you have. I look like a house elf. So do you, by the way."

He examined his own appearance and started to laugh. "You're right, but it suits you, though."

I raised an ironical eyebrow. "Thanks."

"You're most welcome, Miss."

I rolled my eyes with a smile.

After another period of silence he said, "You still haven't answered my question."

"What question?"

"Why did you do it? Try to stop us from duelling, I mean."

I shrugged and thought about it for a moment. I didn't really know.

"I'm not sure," I admitted. "I'm just getting tired of it all. And I guess I was protecting you. I like your body the way it is. In one piece." I gave him a naughty smile.

Sirius opened his mouth, clearly insulted. "You think I couldn't have handles those brainless, moronic Slytherin bastards? No offence."

"None taken", I chuckled. "You're really funny when you get all worked up, you know." He was actually quite intimidating when he got angry, but _teasing _him was definitely funny.

He narrowed his eyes and threw his filthy cleaning cloth at me. I ducked and threw my own back at him. It hit him right in the face.

I laughed and taunted, "And you're supposed to be a Beater? Great aiming skills, Mr. Black."

He growled and lunged at me. I shrieked and scrambled to my feet, running away between the countless racks and shelves. He grabbed me by the hem of my skirt and pulled me back. I fell backwards and he pulled me to his body, holding me tightly.

"Apologize, Carden".

"For what? Calling you a lousy Beater? I can't apologize for telling the truth." The feel of his body behind me was really nice. I wriggled against him.

_Merlin's nose, is that all you can think about?_

He tightened his grip and I could feel every angle and muscle of his body.

_Yes, it is._

"Last chance, Carden."

"Or what?"

"Or I might do something you'll regret."

"Should I be afraid?"

"You should." He nipped at my neck. His hot breath made me shiver and I leaned back. One hand moved to the buttons on my blouse and started to undo them. His other arm still held me pressed against him.

"Don't, Sirius," I breathed. "What if Filch..."

"He'll see something he's never seen before. He'll be grateful."

I snorted with laughter, but protested again.

His fingers started to caress my breast and my breath hitched. He let out a soft laugh, which sent shivers down my spine. My body was entirely his and he knew it. I was caught, complete and utterly caught. The realisation hit me with a shock.

"Got ya," he whispered triumphantly in my ear. I didn't want to be and tried to get away. He just tightened his grip and with a dark voice he said, "You're not getting away from me. You're mine." He kissed my shoulder and left a bite mark that twinged. I moaned in fear and excitement.

The atmosphere had changed suddenly and rapidly, darker and more serious.

"What are you going to do?" The tremble in my voice was very obvious.

"Do I detect some fear there, Niamh?" His voice was low and rough. His right hand left my breast and snaked down under my skirt. I gasped for breath when he continued his caresses there.

"Absolutely not."

"You won't admit it, but you want me. I've had enough of it. Now say it."

"I won't," I hissed. _That arrogant, over-confident bastard. Just because we sleep together, doesn't mean I like him!_

I flung my head backward, hitting his shoulder pretty hard. He didn't even flinch and maintained his delightful torture.

"You know I've got a hold on you and you'll be begging for it."

"I'll never do that," I defied.

"We'll see." He manoeuvred me in front of one the racks and realizing what he was going to do I protested, "No! You can't do that. Not now, not here! I don't want -- " My breath caught. He pressed his hand in my back and reached my womb with his first thrust.

I screamed and he muffled my cries with his hand. He stopped moving and I felt like screaming again, only in anger this time.

_Don't stop. Gods, please don't stop. _He felt me moving my hips to invite him and he smirked. "Want to ask for more?"

"No!" I hissed. The way he had positioned me already left me at his mercy and I would rather die than beg him.

"You will." He started to torture me with slow, but intense movements. My moans got louder with each thrust and I had to bite my lip not to beg. His right hand continued its work and soon I was reaching my climax.

He felt my muscles tighten and immediately stopped his movements. The tension in my body ebbed away and I screamed in frustration.

"Something you wanna say?" His voice was strained and I felt satisfaction knowing this was torturing him too.

_Just say it, just say it, _every cell in my body demanded nevertheless.

"No," I groaned.

He grabbed my shoulder with one hand and pulled me up to him. Kissing and biting my neck he hissed, "Stubborn girl. Just give in, you know you want to."

"I don't."

Holding me up, he started to move again and brought me to the edge of my sanity again, before he stopped.

"No!" the beg had left my mouth before I had realized it.

"What?"

_I can't take anymore of this._

"Don't stop," I panted. "Not now. Please, I can't take it anymore."

I heard him groan in relief and immediately he resumed his rhythm, our movements becoming wilder and wilder, until I let out a loud cry. I felt him spill himself in me and we both fell to the ground.

* * *

**Slytherin Common Room**

"Merlin's balls! What have you done to her?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow at the girl that was goggling at him and Niamh. She was looking rather familiar.

"He didn't do anything, Deirdre, I'm just not feeling well."

Sirius smirked to himself. Niamh's voice still sounded shaky. He'd got to her pretty bad. They had been sleeping together for six weeks now and her constant denial had become more and more of an irritation. He knew she wanted him. Why couldn't she just admit it? He didn't know why it bothered him so much, but when she had initiated another one of her I-don't-like-you scenes he'd had enough.

They were never soft and gentle, but this time it was even rougher than usual. Afterwards, Niamh was so distracted that she had dropped six bottles before he decided to take her to her common room. She had to hold on to his arm to walk steadily and now grabbed her sister's arm. "See you tomorrow night," she mumbled without looking at him and entered the common room.

Sirius felt a pang of guilt. Had he been too hard on her? Too rough? He decided to apologize to her tomorrow. Still in deep thought he walked back to the storage rooms and continued cleaning until midnight. Filch asked him where Niamh was and he answered she was feeling sick.

Back in the Gryffindor common room he found an aggravated Prongs. "I'm telling you, Padfoot, one more night with Snape and I'll kill him! I will strangle him with his own greasy hair and stick his wand up his nose! Or somewhere else, I don't care!"

"You've had a pleasant evening then, I assume," Sirius grinned. "Just be grateful you didn't have to clean the second floor toilets. It's rather chilling to have Moaning Myrtle giving you lustful looks from one of the toilets". He shuddered.

James stopped his pacing and screwed up his face to picture that scene in his head. "That's sick, Padfoot."

"I know!"

The portrait swayed open and Remus sauntered in. "Hello, my friends. Had a wonderful time, and you?"

James and Sirius gave their friend an identical scowl.

"I'll take that as a no."

"How come you had a good time? Marcus Crast is the equivalent of a gorilla. You couldn't be enjoying yourself with him, could you?" James asked rather angrily.

"Actually, Marcus and I ran into Lily. Or rather, Lily ran into us. She felt sorry for me and cleaned the toilets with a flick of her wand. I have been enjoying my spare time since half past seven," Remus explained contently.

"Why didn't you tell her I was on the first floor? She could have saved me from Snape!" James shouted.

"I did tell her, but when I told her you had detention with Snape, she said it would do you good."

James gritted his teeth. "That's supposed to be my girlfriend. And we're Heads. We're supposed to stick together. I'll get her for this. Everybody having a good time at detention, except me."

"Who says I was having a good time?" Sirius said indignantly.

"You were with Carden. All you probably did was getting laid."

Sirius shrugged. He still felt guilty, although it was one hell of a shag.

"What's wrong, Padfoot?" Remus asked.

"She got sick," he divulged grudgingly.

James stared at him in amazement. Then his mouth started to twitch and he sniggered. "I believe this is the first time in your life a girl has got sick of you before you get sick of her."

Sirius opened his mouth to comment, but then closed it again. James was right. It had been almost seven weeks and he still couldn't get enough of her. That had never happened before. Disturbing.

He frowned.

Remus's voice pulled him out of his thoughts. "Crast was asking a lot of questions about you. Seems he's still not convinced that nothing is going on between you and Niamh."

"Let him. I can't be bothered by that git," Sirius said haughtily. "I'm going to bed. Pete conscious already?"

"No," Remus sighed.

Sirius whistled. "She sure knows how to hex a guy."

"Yes, she does," Remus said, with a warning look at Sirius.

For some reason, Sirius thought his friend wasn't talking about Peter…


	12. Changes

**Author's note: **Another chapter! I hope you enjoy and keep reviewing, please. I'd really like to know what you think.

* * *

**Changes**

The next morning Niamh wasn't at breakfast and Sirius was now swimming in guilt, which was another frightening feeling for him. He had never felt guilty about any girl.

After Muggle Studies he walked to the Transfiguration class room to meet up with Remus and James – Peter was still in the infirmary – when he suddenly tripped. Landing on all fours he swore loudly and grabbed his bag. He got up and looked around for the culprit, but there was nobody around.

Muttering unpleasant things about insolent students with no respect for seventh-years he stuffed his books back in the bag. Before he knew it he was hurled into an alcove and pushed against the wall.

He stared in two dark blue eyes that twinkled with mischief.

"Niamh, I'm so sorry. I should never -- "

"Oh, shut up." She undid his belt and opened his pants. He immediately reacted to the touch of her hands.

"What are you doing?" he hissed.

"You know, for one of the smartest students in our year you do ask surprisingly stupid questions," she mimicked him.

She dropped to her knees and Sirius thought about teachers catching them like this. Then he just stopped thinking at all.

Ten minutes later he was leaning against the wall, sweating and panting, trying to remember where he was.

A voice whispered in his ear. "A little reminder that I have a hold on _you_ as well." A brief sensation of her lips against his and then she was gone. It took him another ten minutes to calm down sufficiently to go to Transfiguration and he walked into the class room much too late.

"Mr. Black! Why are you late?" McGonagall snapped. "Do I have to add another week to your already impressing list of detentions?"

"I'm sorry, professor, I was held up." He glanced at Niamh, who was looking very smug. He gripped the door knob so tightly his knuckles protested when she ran a finger over her lips.

"Don't let it happen again."

"You look like you've seen a ghost," James whispered to him when Sirius sat next to him.

Sirius didn't answer. He was still in shock. He had just realized _why_ Niamh's denial had bothered him so much. It had hit him when she had whispered that she had a hold on him as well.

He liked her. He had told her _she_ was caught, but now he knew that he was too. With a loud grunt he dropped his head on his table.

* * *

**Three seats ahead**

_Clunk!_

I jolted out of my reverie.

The whole class burst out laughing. I turned in my seat and saw Sirius rubbing his forehead with a pained expression. I couldn't help but laugh too.

McGonagall looked suspiciously at Sirius. "What are you doing, Black?"

"Sorry, professor, I was aiming for my arms. Not the table."

A new howl of laughter came from the students and James wiped the tears from his eyes. "You know, Padfoot, if you find your head to heavy for your neck, which I sincerely doubt given the hollow sound it just made, you should see Madame Pomfrey. I'm sure she has a potion for you."

Sirius scowled and even McGonagall had trouble to keep a straight face. "Will you be able to sit up straight, Mr. Black, or is Potter right and do I have to send you to the infirmary?"

"I'll manage, professor."

Still sniggering at Sirius's embarrassment I turned my back on him and went back to daydreaming. The incident in the storage room had affected me more than I had thought and I still hadn't sorted out my feelings. Of course I wanted Sirius. The mere thought of him made me want to -- _Don't go there now, you're in Transfiguration class, for Salazar's sake! _I sighed. _Right, focus!_

Sirius presented a very large risk to my life. Continuing to see him meant sinking deeper and deeper in this mess, which I had created for myself. I should have put a stop to it after that first kiss. I had been trying to stop it ever since, claiming I didn't need him, didn't want him. I chewed on my lip. After last night I couldn't just deny the whole thing anymore. Sirius had taken good care of that. I was quite sure I had paid him back, though. I chuckled.

Anyway, Sirius had achieved what he wanted. I had stopped denying my need for him.

But nothing else needed to change. If I just kept it a secret, we could go on with what we were doing. He was much too good in bed to give up already. And taking my inescapable marriage to a pureblood wizard after graduation in consideration, I was even more sure of it. I deserved all the distraction I could get!

* * *

And that was exactly what I was getting. Sirius and I sneaked out on every occasion and those two weeks and three days of detention were not so awful as I let everybody know. I had a hunch McGonagall had paired us together on purpose. I never thought I would be grateful for anything a Gryffindor had done…but there's a first time for everything. 

When spring finally arrived Sirius borrowed James's Invisibility cloak and we sneaked out of the castle for walks around the lake.

"Doesn't James need the cloak? You know, with Lily," I asked him on a warm night when April was drawing to its end.

"Are you kidding me? They've got their own common room. I've confiscated this thing."

I laughed and we stopped by the water a long way from the castle. He sat down, leaning his back against a tree near the water and I settled myself between his legs, resting my head against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me. I sighed. Sitting like this was really nice.

"You know, I don't even know your birthday," Sirius said.

"It's the 13th of May. And yours?"

"October 25th."

"Didn't you throw an enormous party in your common room? I heard people talk about it for weeks!"

"Yes, I did," Sirius affirmed. "It was great. The week of detention that followed was not so great, however." His voice was a bit sour.

I giggled. "I really think that you and James have broken some detention-record."

Sirius grinned and kissed my neck. "I wouldn't be surprised if we had. You know Dumbledore actually made Remus a Prefect to keep us under control."

"Oh, that worked well," I laughed.

"You're no saint either, miss Carden. You've had a lot of detention in seven years too."

"Well, that was for a good cause."

"What cause?"

"Kicking your butt."

"You did not kick my butt!"

"Not literally, no. But I have put you in the infirmary a couple of times," I sniggered.

"I put you there as well!"

"Yes, you did. You really have an abominable set of manners. Hexing poor, defenceless girls, tsk, tsk."

"Defenceless! You nearly got me killed once. It took madame Pomfrey a week before she found a way to grow my… you know back." He sounded truly indignant now.

"So you felt you couldn't live without your… er… equipment? I knew I was right about that," I purred, satisfied.

"So you planned it?"

"Yes, I felt it was my duty to all the girls in the school to get back at you for being such a big-headed ladies-man."

"Ah, but you failed. Even you can't resist my charm."

"Pfff, you might want to stop talking like that, before your fat head explodes."

"That's it. Insulting the man of your dreams, eh, little wench." He started to tickle me. I squealed and writhed out of his grip. I got up, but he grabbed my ankle and I fell flat-faced to the ground.

I turned around, but Sirius was already straddling my hips and tickled me ruthlessly.

"No, stop it, stop it! Aahh -- no, Sirius, prat! Let me go!"

"Still insulting me? Who's got the bad manners here?"

"Bad upbringing, not my fault. Eek! Stop it. I'm warning you, Sirius…"

"What are you going to do?"

I produced a wicked grin, grabbed his ears, and pulled him to me, kissing him thoroughly. Immediately his hands stopped tickling and started to stroke.

I pushed his head back and he laughed in spite of himself. "Quick thinking."

He rolled off me and I nestled myself against his body. He lay sprawled on his back with one hand under his head and the other around me. I buried my nose in his chest.

_Hmm, he smells nice. _A mixture of soap, cologne and some indefinable scent that was his own.

"So, about your upbringing -- "

"I don't want to talk about my family," I interrupted him.

"Okay, I'll talk about mine."

Surprised that he was willing to let it go so easily, I asked, "What do you want to say about your family?"

"Besides the fact that they're a bunch of stuck-up, conceited, maniacal idiots, you mean?"

"I can see you're close to your family."

Sirius snorted. "I don't consider them family. I haven't spoken to them since I was sixteen, if you leave out the little visit my mother paid me when I had got my own place to live. But screaming and howling that I was a filthy blood traitor doesn't really count as a visit, does it?"

"Not really. Where did you go after you left home?"

"I moved in with James. His parents kind of adopted me."

"So you do have family."

He looked surprised at me. "That's a sweet thing to say," he said softly. I smiled. He just stared at my face a long time, until he cleared his throat and said cheerfully, "Well, you must know a lot about my blood-treacherous behaviour. I would be surprised if my mother hadn't warned all pureblood children about my bad influence."

"Oh yes, you are the main character in the scary tale that parents tell their children. Sirius Black, the son gone astray." I shook my head in a mock sad way. "Such a waste."

"Doesn't seem to have scared you off."

"Please, as if I would be scared by you."

"No, you'd rather jinx my head off."

"That's true, but that has nothing to do with you being a traitor."

"With what then?"

"It was your insufferable arrogance."

"Arrogance! I am not arrogant, you are!"

"I know I am, and I'm good at it," I winked, "but like it or not, you are just as arrogant as I am. Maybe even more."

"I'm not, I'm just -- "

"Self-absorbed?"

"Shut up. Besides, I know what you're trying to do."

"What's that?

"Changing the subject, because you don't want to talk about _your _family."

I sighed. He was right. And I should've known he wouldn't let it go that easily. Sirius never avoided anything.

"Fine, what do you want to know?"

"Are you happy at home?"

My face darkened immediately.

"Niamh?"

I hadn't realised I had been quiet for a while and I said carefully, "Happy? I suppose so…"

_How can I tell him I suspect that my brother's a Death Eater, killing and torturing Muggles, that my parents want me to marry as soon as possible for the sake of connecting themselves to equally prominent families, that I want to get away from them to live my own life, but that I don't know how?_

"What do you mean 'I suppose so'?"

Quickly I came up with, "They're still angry I broke up with Lucius. They had our entire future planned out already."

"And you broke up with him because you didn't want that future?"

_How come he can look right through me? I can never seem to keep my thoughts hidden from him._

"Of course I didn't. Would _you_ like to pretend you're the perfect wife of Lucius Malfoy for the rest of your life?" I snorted.

"Now that is bringing some rather disturbing images to my mind," Sirius said, shaking his head.

I grinned at him. "Besides, I never loved him. I just dated him because he is what good pure blood witches want. Handsome, rich, from good stock..." I noticed how cynical my voice sounded.

"I thought there had to be something behind it," Sirius grinned. "No one in their right mind would date Lucius Malfoy for fun."

I chuckled. "Enough about me. Tell me about your love-life."

Sirius sighed melodramatically. "What's there to tell? Nothing much going on there."

I lifted my head to look in his eyes. "I can't believe your nerve." I rolled my eyes and said, "You've broken more than one record, if you know what I mean."

"Would that record involve something about the rather high percentage of the female population of Hogwarts that I have… er… been acquainted with?"

I snorted. "More like the female population of the U.K."

"Hey, no need to exaggerate things. The female population of England will do."

I burst out laughing. "You're hopeless, Mr. Black."

We sat there for another hour, poking fun at each other, before we headed back to the dorms.

* * *

Three weeks later I woke up excitedly. 

"Happy Birthday!" Lana and Narcissa exclaimed.

"Thanks," I beamed and opened their presents. Lana had got me a book about medieval wizarding history. I squealed in delight. "Oh, it's wonderful, Lana, thank you." I kissed her.

Narcissa had given me a fabulous blue tank top that I decided to put on right away.

It was Saturday and we agreed to lounge around the whole day. At breakfast I received lots of owls with cards and presents, including one from Evan Rosier. I'd been receiving letters from him for a few months now. They were always funny, light-hearted letters that I liked answering, although I realised it was my family's business he was truly interested in. I knew he was corresponding with my brother as well.

Lana and Narcissa smirked suggestively at me. I stuck out my tongue and opened his parcel. A very fine, silver necklace with an even finer pendant in the shape of a rose lay in a velvet box.

Lana and Narcissa gasped simultaneously.

"It's gorgeous," I said, utterly surprised by his expensive gift.

"Oh, he wants you," Lana deducted. "A lot."

I snorted. "Ever heard of bribery? Probably wants a favour from my father. I'll send him a gushing note about Evan's generosity."

After breakfast Lana opted for a stroll outside and I ran to my dorm to get a jacket. There was a letter on my pillow.

Curiously I opened it.

_Happy Birthday, Niamh_

_I will give you your present tonight. Wait for me outside the dorm at eight. No robes!_

_Yours, _

_S._

Still not the most polite letter I had ever received, but definitely an improvement. I wondered what he was up to, but then remembered that Lana and Narcissa were waiting for me. I hid the letter and returned to the Great Hall, Evan's necklace already forgotten.

After dinner – with lots of glances between Sirius and me – I took a quick shower and put on a black miniskirt and a green top.

"Where are you going?" Lana's head appeared around the door.

"Er... the library?" I tried.

"Sure you are, dressed like that. Tell Black I said hi," Lana giggled.

"Bugger. I thought you didn't know."

Lana pursed her lips. "How stupid do you think I am?"

I grinned devilishly. "You really want me to answer that?"

"Ah, away with you, you impertinent witch. Go and have some fun."

I smiled and gave her a hug. "Don't wait up for me."

"Not for you, no. But I will wait up."

I chuckled. "Well then, tell Devon _I_ said hi."

"Devon?" Lana asked bewildered. "I'm going with George. You need to pay more attention."

"Sorry. We'll talk about it later. Have to go now, you have fun too."

"Bye."

I dashed out of the common room, only to find the corridors empty. I checked my watch, it was five past eight.

_Where is he? Did he get caught?_

I was starting to feel disappointed.

"Psst!"

I jumped three feet in the air. The voice came out of nowhere. Sirius dropped the Invisibility Cloak and I smiled, feeling relieved.

"You look great," he said, eyeing me eagerly.

"Are you going to tell me where we're going, or are you going to use that cloak to get to my dorm?" I teased.

"Don't tempt me, lass," he said in a low voice. "Come on, we have to get out of the castle."

He put the cloak over me and pulled a piece of parchment out of his pocket. I leaned over to see what it was.

"Oh my God," I gasped. "Where did you get that?"

"The guys and I made it," he said proudly, noticing how stunned I was.

"But that must be incredibly advanced magic."

"Well, you may have noticed Remus keeps his nose permanently buried in books, and no matter what you say, James, Pete, and I are gifted with a nice pair of brains too. It took us a while to figure out a way to write it, but it's definitely worth it."

"It's amazing." I couldn't keep my eyes off the parchment, while we were walking out of the castle. There were numerous tiny dots moving across the map, all labelled with names. Not too far from us I noticed two dots that said George Fairfax and Lana Landon. I sniggered and pointed them out to Sirius.

He laughed. "That's a broom closet they're in."

I chuckled. "No surprises there."

"Shh, Filch is heading this way." Sirius pushed me to the side of the hallway and we waited silently for him to pass us.

After Filch had passed, I noticed how close Sirius was standing. My cheeks flamed. He saw it and grinned naughtily. "Not until after we celebrate your birthday."

I punched his arm. "I wasn't thinking of that."

"Sure you weren't," he drawled.

Suddenly I thought of something. "Hold on, how did you get that letter in my dorm anyway?"

The grin that appeared on his face was without doubt the most roguish I had ever seen. "Well, you know James is Head Boy, right?"

"Yeah," I said, not sure what he was aiming at.

"And the Heads know the passwords of all Houses."

My jaw dropped. "He didn't!"

"He did. Gave me password and I sneaked in under the Invisibility Cloak, while all your slithery little friends were at breakfast. After that it was easy. I recognized the clothes on your bed, so I knew where to put the letter."

"I can't believe you. You would've been in serious trouble if you were caught."

He made a dismissive gesture. "Of course they wouldn't catch me. But I was a bit anxious about whether I could enter the girls' dormitory. I've tried it a couple of times in the Gryffindor common room, but alarm bells would go off and the stairs changed into a glide."

I sniggered. "Serves you right. I suppose Slytherins don't have high moral standards like Gryffindors do."

"Thank Merlin for little things," Sirius said serenely.

"Although you don't have high moral standards either. Sneaking out of the castle at night. What would your Head of House say?"

"She'd probably have a heart-attack. But ignorance is bliss, right?"

We had made it outside the castle and soon after we were standing outside the gates.

"So now we have to Apparate to your London bedroom. I take it your family isn't there anymore?"

"No, everybody is at the manor for the summer season."

"Ah, the predictability of the upper wizarding class…"

I giggled and with a loud _crack_ we both disappeared.


	13. The Beginnings of a Friendship

**Author's note: **Thanks again for the reviews. Hope you enjoy the next chapter!

* * *

**The beginnings of a friendship**

We left my house and walked a few blocks before Sirius stopped a Muggle car.

"Whereto?" the driver growled.

"Piccadilly Circus."

The car sped off and I held on to Sirius. I had only been a couple of times in a car and never in a taksi, or whatever he just said it was.

After a blood-curdling ride we stopped at Piccadilly Circus. I got out of the death-vehicle and looked around. Muggle-London was fascinating. It was absolutely crowded, signs were flashing everywhere, music was coming from all sorts of places, familiar and unfamiliar smells.

Sirius had paid the taksi-man and put his arm around my waist. "We have to go over there," he pointed at a large building.

"So, where are you taking me?"

"I am taking you to the cinema."

"Ooh, isn't that where they show those film-story things? I've never been to a cimena before," I said excitedly. "I love stories."

He smiled relieved at me. "I'm glad you like it. Come on, let's get tickets."

"How do you know about all that Muggle-stuff? You're a pure-blood like me."

"I take Muggle Studies," he explained.

"You take _Muggle Studies!_"

_Didn't see that one coming._

He chuckled at my expression. "Just to piss off my parents of course, but it's not so bad actually."

We walked inside the cimena and Sirius bought the tickets. Then he took me to another counter. Still peering at the tickets he asked, "Would you like some popcorn?"

Utterly bewildered I stared at him. "Why on earth would I want popped corn?"

The girl behind the counter gave me a strange look. Sirius grinned at my confusion and whispered in my ear that it was a Muggle candy.

"Oh, well, I'll give it a try."

"Would you like it sweet- or salty-flavoured, Miss?" the girl asked.

"Er… sweet, please."

"Sweet? You? That's a surprise," Sirius drawled. I glowered at him and accepted the popped corn from the girl.

Sirius also ordered something called cokes, that turned out to be drinks. After he had paid, we walked to the room where they would show the film. They had these extraordinary seats that folded themselves when you got up – I couldn't get enough of them. Sirius watched me amusedly while I got in and out of my seat excitedly. Finally I settled down and decided to try the drink.

I nearly spat it out again. "It fizzes," I hissed at Sirius.

"Yeah, don't you like it?" he said and took a gulp himself. I watched for a moment what the drink would do to him. Apparently it didn't kill him, so I took a little sip myself.

It was such a funny feeling, but the drink was delicious. I took one of the popped corn thingies and carefully put it in my mouth. It didn't do anything unexpected so I tried chewing on it. I ate another one, and another one…

"So," I said, turning my attention to Sirius, after licking my fingers, "which film are we seeing?"

"It's called Days of Heaven. It's about Muggle history. You told me you like history – Merlin only knows why," he added in an undertone, "so I thought you might like a film about something historical."

"I do. That's so nice of you." I was really surprised and touched. I smiled at him and he smiled back. I just stared in his stormy eyes. He cupped my cheek and kissed me till all the lights went out.

He was right. I loved the film. It was about a man and a woman, Bill and Abby, pretending to be brother and sister, at the beginning of the century. They had a hard time trying to make a living, so when Bill gets an offer to work for a farmer in Texas, they immediately accept it. The farmer, who is rich and handsome, falls in love with the woman and Abby and Bill, who is actually her lover, decide that she'll marry the farmer, because he is very ill. It doesn't work out, of course, because jealousy steps in and Bill is getting impatient, so disaster is just waiting to happen.

After the film, which I couldn't stop talking about, Sirius took me clubbing in a Muggle-club. I tried so many drinks, that everything started spinning. The music was great and I pulled Sirius onto the dance-floor. He was getting loads of admiring looks from girls and for some reason that really bothered me.

_Must be the alcohol._

While I was still wondering whether hexing a particularly persistent girl into a pimple break-out was appropriate use of magic, Sirius pulled me close for a deep kiss and then said, "You can stop giving that girl over there those death glares now. I'm not interested in her."

"I wasn't doing that," I said, blushing.

"Are you sure? Because she looks like she's about to cry."

Feeling very bold – and drunk – I put my arms around him and pressed my body against his. "I had to scare her off. I'm very territorial. One more minute and I would've started sharpening my claws."

He burst out laughing. "I think you've had enough to drink, Niamh. Come on, we still have to get back to Hogwarts."

"Why don't we spend the night at my house?" My voice was husky and he knew exactly what I had in mind.

He didn't hesitate, smirked and grabbed my hand. "Let's go."

* * *

**At the Cardens' **

Sirius watched her sleeping. She lay on her side, arms propped under the pillow. The sheets were barely covering her hips, giving him a very nice view. He gently pushed her hair out of her face. She smiled fleetingly, but didn't wake up.

He wound a curl around his finger. He loved her hair. She could be so cold and distant on the outside, but it seemed her hair showed what was really inside. Fire and wildness. He let go of her hair and followed the curve of her lips with his finger and cupped her cheek. She had been sleeping restlessly earlier, frowning and moaning, until he had taken her in his arms. He had a hunch what was troubling her, but he knew instinctively that she wouldn't tell him until she trusted him.

Suddenly he felt very weird and it hit him that he wanted her to trust him. He wanted to protect her from what was hurting her.

He knew that she saw him as nothing more than someone to shag and he had been fine with that. It was what he wanted too. He had never wanted any girl to be more than that. But now… It just didn't seem enough anymore.

"Of all the girls you can have, Padfoot, you choose this one," he said to himself, shaking his head. He grumbled and rolled over to his side of the bed to look at the clock and saw that it was 12 already.

"Shit! We're going to be fucked!" he said loudly.

"Didn't we already do that?" a sleepy voice mumbled behind him.

"Good morning, sunshine," he smiled at Niamh, "or should I say good afternoon?"

Her eyes widened. "Afternoon? Oh no, we're fucked." She rolled out of the bed and started looking for her clothes.

"I told you so."

"Where is my bra, for Merlin's sake?"

Sirius took the bra from the doorknob and handed it to her. She quickly put it on and grabbed her skirt.

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"What?"

He held up her panties.

* * *

**The other side of the bed**

_Good point._

I grabbed my panties and finished getting dressed. I walked over to the mirror to untangle my hair, but one look in the mirror convinced me that that was going to prove impossible, so I just pulled it back in a ponytail.

"Okay, let's go."

"You know we have to Apparate back to the gates, right? You can't Apparate inside the castle."

I was impressed. "Wow, you read _Hogwarts: A History_?"

"No, I tried Disapparating once and it was really painful."

I rolled my eyes. _Why am I not surprised? _"Don't forget your cloak."

"Got it."

We Apparated back to Hogwarts – I was quite nervous, because I had never Apparated to the Hogwarts gates before, but everything went fine – and we headed back to the castle. When the map showed that everything was safe, we kissed goodbye and I hurried to my dorm and took a shower. Emerging from the bathroom half an hour later, I found Lana sitting on my bed, looking squeaky-clean and very bright. As I was suffering from a hangover myself, I found her beaming face unbearable to watch.

"Don't worry, I covered for you," she declared.

"Thanks."

"So, what did you do?"

I sat next to her on the bed, beaming. "He took me to London. We went to see a film, which was fabulous by the way. Have you ever seen a film? They're moving pictures, but not like photographs. Hours of it!"

"Not all of us are raised in complete ignorance of the rest of the world."

_Right._

I was feeling a bit dumb now, but Lana motioned me to continue. "Anyway, after that we went clubbing in a Muggle-club and now I feel like I've been run over by a hippogriff."

Lana roared with laughter. "Let me guess. You tried every Muggle-drink you could."

"Guilty."

"Oh, you're so daft sometimes, Niamh. Muggle-drinks have a lot of alcohol in them. They're nothing like Butterbeer, or Firewhisky even. I'm surprised you even made it back here."

"Well, I didn't actually. We spent the night at my London house. Only we forgot to sleep for a while, so when we finally woke up, it was 12 o'clock already."

Lana sniggered. "No need to ask why you forgot to sleep." She made a very rude gesture and I laughed.

"You and George probably did the same."

Lana sighed overemotionally.

"What?" I was at a loss. "Didn't he want to…" _Highly unlikely, but you never know…_

"No, he wanted to," she said with a sorry face, "and we did, but it's just that it…" She looked really sad now.

"Oh my God, what's wrong?"

Lana took a deep breath. "It was awful," she cried out in despair.

My jaw dropped. "What do you mean 'it was awful'?"

Lana gave me an annoyed look. "I didn't feel anything. Nothing. He just didn't turn me on. And I am not a difficult person to satisfy, Niamh." She shouted the last line at me.

_Aw, too much detail._

"Maybe that was just because you don't like him enough. I mean, I can't imagine being turned on by George either, or -- or by" – _examples, please_ – "Severus, or Barclay Nott, can you?"

Lana bit her lip and looked highly disconcerted.

"My God, Lana, when?"

"Last year with Severus, one time."

_Don't try to imagine that in your head, don't do it, don't -- damn! Too late…_

"My turn to guess: you did get turned on."

She nodded.

"And with Barclay?"

"At the New Year's Party."

"Lana!"

"Don't lecture me! I had too much to drink. I can't help it."

"I won't. Let's just focus on the problem. We can safely assume that you've never had any problems getting turned on by any guy, right?"

"Right."

"So, it's easy then."

"It is?"

"Yes, it's George's fault. He just sucks at it."

Lana's face brightened. "You're right! Why didn't I think of that?"

"There you go. No problem."

"I'll just tell him he doesn't have what I need and I'll move on."

"Er… Lana?"

"Yes?"

"Perhaps you could be a little more delicate about it. Most men don't take it too well if their... er... skills are doubted." _Just a suggestion._

"Good point. I'll be gentle."

I walked over to my mirror and put some make-up on. Lana stood behind me, adjusting her hair.

"Niamh? About you and Sirius…"

"What about us?"

"Are you two getting serious?"

I missed my eyelashes and poked myself in the eye with my mascara. "Damn it!"

"You okay?"

"Yes, just -- you caught me off-guard."

"Well, it's a normal question. You have been spending a lot of time together, you know."

_I know. And it's scaring the hell out of me…_

"So, are you getting serious?"

"I don't know, Lana. I mean, Sirius isn't really the type for relationships, is he? I like him, and he is funny and… still arrogant, of course, but in a funny way. We get along surprisingly well. But he _is _Sirius Black, the number one blood traitor. I can't have a relationship with him. Besides, he probably doesn't even want to."

Lana sighed. "I'm glad my family isn't like yours. It must be very difficult sometimes."

"Yeah, it is. Sometimes I wish I could just get away from it all. You know my mother is trying to hook me up with Evan Rosier? She keeps writing me letters about how much he's asked about me. I bet it's the other way around, that she's telling him all sorts of things he doesn't want to know. Embarrassing, really. I'm eight years younger, practically a child to him," I snorted.

Lana shook her head. "You haven't even graduated yet!"

"Well, you know my mother, she was planning my marriage to Lucius when I was in my fifth year, remember."

"So what are you going to do?"

"What can I do? I'll have to marry Evan or some other wizard they approve of if I don't want to lose my family. My mother stood up for me once, but she's not going to do it again."

Lana remained silent.

"What?"

"Nothing. It just sucks."

"Yes, it does."

* * *

I didn't have much time to worry about, because N.E.W.T. revisions were coming up and the teachers buried us under humungous piles of homework. 

I spent most of my time in the library, meeting Remus Lupin a lot. I knew he had found out about me and Sirius and he seemed to want to speak to me. When we were sitting not too far from each other, he would look at me, open his mouth, change his mind, and return to his study.

After a week of this, I had enough of it and I went over to him. "Remus?"

"Yes?" I seemed to have startled him.

"I wonder if you could explain this to me. I know you're very good at Ancient Rhunes, so would you mind?"

Remus looked a bit taken aback, but invited me politely to sit with him. "So what do you need my help for?"

"Well, it's this part over here." I pointed the passage in my book out to him. "Are you supposed to read it from left to right, or from right to left? I can't figure it out."

"From right to left. See? Then you get a translation that makes -- well, at least a bit sense," he grinned.

"Oh, right. So you have to translate _mahriz _with heaven then, not sky."

Yes, and _sharihaz _means to ascend here, not to lift."

"I got it. Thanks."

"You're welcome."

I noticed the book lying in front of him. "Merlin! _Ancient Wizard-kings and their Realms! _Where did you get that? It's so rare."

"My father is a collector," he smiled.

"That's wonderful."

"It is. He specializes in ancient -- " Remus looked up.

Lana stomped into the library, looked around and headed towards us. "I can't believe him!" she said loudly.

Madame Pince shot a warning glare at her. She dropped in a chair next to me.

"Who?" I asked.

"George!" she hissed.

I sighed. "What happened?"

"I went over to him and said I wanted to talk to him. So we went for a walk around the lake. I told him I thought we shouldn't see each other anymore, that it was all my fault, that I couldn't get turned on by him and HE GOT ANGRY!"

Remus's face changed colour.

"Can you believe it?" Lana continued in a low voice, after another glare from the librarian.

"I told you to be delicate about it," I scolded her.

Remus was highly embarrassed.

"What do you mean, delicate? I was extremely delicate. I told him it wasn't his fault, didn't I?" She turned to Remus. "Remus, darling, you're a man. What's his problem?"

Remus opened and closed his mouth in shock. "Well -- he -- it could be -- maybe it had something to do with the fact that you said he couldn't -- you know -- he couldn't…er…"

"…satisfy me?" Lana helped him. Remus managed to turn an even more violent shade of red. I felt a little sorry for him. He obviously had no experience in dealing with Lana.

"That, yes."

"Honestly," Lana huffed, "men are so sensitive. Well, I'm off. I'm meeting Gareth to revise Charms."

"Sure you are," I replied dryly. She winked at us and strolled out of the library.

Remus and I glanced at each other and burst into a fit of laughter, which we quickly muffled.

"Is she always like that?" Remus sniggered.

"Oh, much worse," I smiled, "but it's alright. I've got a manual."

Remus laughed again.

"That's it, you two! Out of my library," Madame Pince shrieked. "This is supposed to be a place of study! Out!"

We quickly grabbed our books and exited.

"You know, if you want to borrow that book," Remus said, a little awkwardly, "you can, if you like."

I smiled. "That would be great. Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Well, bye," I said.

"See you, Niamh."

* * *

A/N: The movie in this chapter is a real movie, from roughly around the same period as this is taking place. I was really happy when I found it, because it has somewhat of a link with my own story... 

Anyway, reviews are very welcome!


	14. Preparations

**DollFace080: **I agree that things would be cleared up if they just talked to each other...but that would be too easy, wouldn't it? ;) Besides, Niamh isn't fully aware of what she feels for Sirius, yet.

* * *

**Preparations**

I watched my calendar that flashed 'eight days till NEWTs' at me. My head was so crammed with all sorts of details about Potions, DADA, Ancient Rhunes, and the rest that I could not think straight anymore. I desperately needed some time to relax with Sirius. We had been spending a lot of time together lately. Although I was completely stressed out because of the oncoming exams, he always found a way to make me laugh and loosen up.

He himself was entirely unconcerned about the NEWTs, making fun of me and Remus when we studied in the library. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Lily and James were still together. She pushed him into studying for his exams, which, to Sirius's utter dismay, he actually did.

Sirius's friends all knew about him and me, and while Remus was very kind to me and seemed fine with it, James and Peter were not. I could understand why so I just kept my distance.

I decided to go for a walk around the lake. I couldn't help myself and brought a book with me. I walked to the other side to a secluded place to study and sat at the edge of the lake. Most students never came here, because it was so close to the Forbidden Forest.

"Don't frown like that. You'll get wrinkles, get old, and die before your time."

Without looking up from my book I smirked. "Hello, lover," I said. "You always pay me such nice compliments."

Grinning, Sirius sat next to me and nuzzled my neck. "What are you reading?"

"History of Magic," I sighed, "and it's just too much to remember."

"How long have you been studying?"

I looked up, guiltily. "Since eight this morning."

"Madwoman!" Sirius chuckled.

I closed the book with a smack and threw it aside. "Have you got something better to do?"

"Always," he smirked deviously, wiggling his eyebrows at me.

I laughed and rolled my eyes. "Besides that," I smiled, poking him in the side.

"Argh! Fine then, we can just sit here and talk about stupid things."

"Like what?" I inquired.

"You," he laughed.

I elbowed him in the side.

"Ouch! Hey, come on, that one was too easy. I had to say it," he grinned.

"GRRR," I said and pushed him on his back.

"Ah, you've changed your mind, I see." He looked very pleased.

"Has no one ever told you that you talk too much?"

"Every day. But I never listen."

"Indeed you don't," I sighed and kissed him. He made a satisfied sound and pulled me on top of him, tangling his hands in my hair.

With a growl he turned us around. The feel of his body on top of mine sent a flash of heat through my belly. I pushed my hips up to his, causing him to moan.

"You need to stop doing that," he mumbled in my neck, "or the people on the other side of the lake will have something else than the squid to watch."

I chuckled and pushed him off me. "I'm very sorry, sir, I did not mean to cause any discomfort."

"Discomfort!" Sirius said, rolling on his back. "That's a bit of an understatement."

I jerked my head to the tree line behind us. "Did you hear that?" I said worried. I thought I had heard footsteps.

"No, now get over here," he said lightly, pulling me close to him.

I shrugged it off me and snuggled close to him.

"Have you decided yet what you're going to do after the summer?" he asked me suddenly.

I flinched. It was a subject I rather not discussed.

"Find myself a decent man," I grinned at him.

He narrowed his eyes. "Very funny." He gave a deep sigh. "I have decided what _I_ am going to do," he announced pompously.

I raised an eyebrow. "Find yourself a pair of brains?"

"I am trying to be serious," he said exasperated.

"I thought you already were Sirius?" I sniggered when he glared menacingly at me. "Alright, I will stop. What are you going to do?"

"I am taking one year off and then I'm trying out for Auror training."

"Yeah, you should do that. You're incredible when it comes to DADA and Charms."

"Thank you."

"It was not a compliment," I said.

"Then what was it?"

"The truth."

"Thank Merlin," Sirius laughed. "I thought you were getting soft."

I tugged softly at his hair. "I still want to do something with books," I said.

_Whether I will have the chance is another story._

"Little Miss Bookworm," Sirius smiled.

I lifted myself onto my elbow to look him sternly in the eye. "You do realize that the written word is one of man's greatest achievements, don't you?"

Sirius rolled up the sleeves of his robes. "Come on, give me the lecture. I can take it," he growled fiercely.

I rolled my eyes and put my head on his shoulder. "Barbarian," I muttered.

"Indeed. I shall throw you over my shoulder and take you to my cave!" he declared eagerly.

I snorted. "Haven't you already done that?"

"Hmm, good point." I felt him shrug. "Well, I can always do it again."

I chuckled. We fell silent and I wondered about how at ease I felt around him. I sighed when I snuggled a little closer. This was going to be really hard to give up.

* * *

At dinner that night, Lana and I discussed the exam timetable. 

Narcissa was acting very strange. She avoided my eyes and only gave one-syllable answers. This was such a strange thing for Cissy that even Lana noticed it.

"Are you alright?" Lana asked her.

"No, I'm feeling sick," she hissed. She glared at me. I raised an eyebrow. Why was she glaring at me?

Narcissa quickly averted her eyes, hiding her face in her cup.

_Odd…_

Gareth strolled by and bent over Lana to kiss her. "Hi, girls," he said to us and walked to his friends.

I goggled at Lana. "Still with Gareth! That's got to be three weeks by now! Are you ill?"

Lana giggled. "No, I'm not ill. He is just - we have fun. That's all." Then she blushed. Lana had never blushed in her entire life.

My jaw dropped. "You're in love with him," I whispered in shock.

"No, I'm not," she denied, but she blushed even deeper.

"Yes, you are. You're blushing," I said accusingly.

Lana clapped her hands on her cheeks. "Am not. Now stop it."

"Fine," I grinned and started to hum a marital tune.

She shot me a warning glare, that I returned with a wide grin. "Have you decided on your wedding dress yet?"

She laughed. "Nah, but I know what cake I want," she retorted. "You, my little tart."

I threw a piece of bread at her.

After dinner, I went back to studying. The next week I buried myself in the library, only leaving for lunch and dinner. Narcissa was still acting strange. I asked her several times if I had done something wrong, but she would deny she was angry. I decided to put it off for a while, since I had a lot on my mind.

When the day of the first NEWT exam finally came, I was so nervous I couldn't eat. Sirius sauntered into the Great Hall five minutes late, very relaxed. He gave professor McGonagall the smile that had made many a girl swoon at his feet when she looked sternly over her glasses at him.

I hid my smile behind my hand.

To my absolute relief, the Transfiguration exam was not the hell I thought it would be. In fact, I thought I had managed pretty well.

The rest of the week passed in a blur. I had done rather a good job, I thought, besides Potions, which I had screwed up. But maybe that had something to do with Sirius dragging me to an empty class room at 8.30 right before the exam. I was not particularly focussed after that.

Now I was laying sprawled on my back on my bed, completely exhausted. My last exam had been History of Magic and I feared my hand would suffer permanent damage from all the writing I had done. The seventh-year students would have a week off, before the graduation ball at Hogwarts. Family was invited of course.

I rolled into my bed early that night. The next morning at breakfast I received a letter from my mother.

_Dear Niamh,_

_I trust you have done well on your exams. Your father and I are looking forward to your graduation ball._

_There is, however, another matter I must speak to you about. Since it is rather important, I have written to professor Dumbledore. He has invited me to come a day earlier and spend the night at Hogwarts, so we can talk about it. I will arrive on Thursday evening. _

_Love,_

_Your mother_

I frowned.

* * *

Review! Review! 


	15. Choice

**Choice**

The next week I spent leisurely at the edges of the lake, enjoying the approaching summer. My mother's letter nagged in the back of my head, but every time I would start brooding over it, Sirius would do something ridiculous to make me snap out of it. I had told him my mother would arrive earlier so she could speak to me. I wondered what it was about, but Sirius said it was probably to harass me about which gown I should wear at the ball. Knowing my mother, that wasn't even such a far-fetched suggestion.

But still, I couldn't get rid of the uneasy feeling in my stomach.

Finally, as I walked back to the castle late in the afternoon on Thursday, professor Morton waited for me at the entrance.

"Your mother is here, Niamh," he said. He brought me to her room. When we approached the door, it opened and Narcissa stepped out, giving me the sweetest of smiles. She walked past me, looking in childlike innocence at me and Morton.

"Everything okay?" I asked.

Cissy smiled dreamily. "Oh, yes. Your mother is such a nice woman."

"Well, Niamh, I will see you at dinner," Morton said and turned another way.

"See you later, Niamh," Cissy smiled and left.

_Right…_

I knocked on the door. "Mother?" I said, opening it and peering inside.

"Niamh, dear. Come in." My mother was sitting in a large fauteuil. She beckoned me gracefully in. "Close the door."

I did as I was told. "Why did you come earlier? Is something wrong? Is Father all right? And Rowan?" The news in the Daily Prophet had been disturbing lately, although I doubted I would find the names of my family among the victims.

"Oh, everything is fine with them," she waved my concerns away. "Come, sit with me. Let's have some tea." She conjured up a pot of tea and two cups. Carefully I sat in the chair next to her, not completely at ease. She poured tea in a cup and handed it to me. After she had poured tea in her own cup and added milk to it, she looked at me and smiled. "Actually, I have come to bring you good news."

I raised my eyebrows. "What is it?"

My mother looked very pleased with herself. Suddenly I was worried more than I had already been the entire week. I knew that look. She had also had it when…

"Evan Rosier has asked your father for your hand."

_I knew it. It's the same look she used to have with Lucius._

"I beg your pardon, Mother?" I asked in plain denial.

"In marriage, dear," she chuckled, still glowing with content.

"Marriage…" I squeaked.

"Yes, marriage. Your father has agreed, of course."

"Of course he did… marriage…" I was completely lost for words. I had known something like this would happen, but so soon, and so unexpected. I had no plan, I had nothing! My cup clattered on the saucer, because my hand started shaking.

"You really must have made an impression on him with your letters, dear," my mother smiled. "And after reading your spirited comments on Evan that you wrote to your father, he didn't hesitate, of course. Evan is an excellent match."

"I was just being polite," I said weakly. Merlin, how could I have been so stupid? How on earth could I have missed what was going on right under my nose? To have encouraged a wizard like that, without even thinking about it. I was a fool. I'd been too preoccupied to see the warnings. Too preoccupied with Sirius. Answering Evan's letters, accepting his gift, all under the impression he was wooing my father for a business deal, not giving it a second thought, not stopping to think for even one single time, all because it would've cost me time that I could've spent with Sirius.

"Mother," I said urgently. "As much I am flattered, I can't marry Evan."

"Excuse me, dear?"

"I cannot marry Evan," I repeated, putting even more emphasis on it.

Her eyes narrowed. "And why is that?" she hissed, her voice dangerously low.

"Because… because…" I stuttered. I wanted to say 'because I am too young, because I want to live my own life, not a copy of yours' as the original plan had been, but all my mind could think of was Sirius. I didn't want to marry Evan, because I… _Oh my god, can it be?_

"I just can't," I said softly.

My mother raised an elegant eyebrow and leaned back in the chair. She gave me a chilling look. "I suppose you don't want to marry Evan because of your little affair with Sirius Black?"

My stomach turned with a sickening somersault. I almost dropped my tea. "Excuse me?" I choked.

"For heaven's sake, Niamh, how could you do that? He is a complete disgrace. Disowned. A traitor to our blood!"

I stared open-mouthed at her. My heart raced in my chest, about as fast as my mind was introducing and dismissing possibilities as to how she could know.

"Fortunately," my mother continued, "there are a few Blacks left with a sense of honour. Narcissa has written me a letter telling me about your dirty secret. Because I don't want our family shamed by this, I wrote her back asking her to keep it a secret until I had time to talk to you."

I closed my eyes in horror. _The footsteps at the lake…_

"She came to talk to me in person and I was able to perform a Memory Charm. So no harm done. Nobody knows and you will cease this insanity and at least _try_ to act like a daughter of the house of Carden." My mother's voice raised in anger.

"And by that you mean I must marry Evan Rosier," I sneered bitterly.

"Yes! You've done enough damage to our family when you denied Lucius. If I had known then what stunt you were going to pull, I would never have stood at your side. This is _not_ going to happen again," my mother hissed, clenching her fingers around her cup. "Am I understood?"

"I won't," I hissed back. "I won't marry him. I refuse. You can't make me do this."

"Can't I?" she scoffed.

"No! You can't. I won't do it -- I can't do it to -- to Sirius."

My mother rose from her seat, looking furious now. "Don't be ridiculous! What do you care about that piece of vermin? As if it's not horrible enough that you slept with that excuse for a wizard, you're admitting that you have _feelings_ for him?" She spat out the last words with venom.

"Yes, I have feelings for him!" I yelled, getting up myself.

"For that pathetic boy? That sleeps around with anything that has legs? That befriends Mudbloods and Muggle-lovers?"

"Yes, for him," I hissed dangerously. "I love him and I don't care what you…"

My mother threw her head back, laughing disdainfully. It was not my mother's derisive laughter that made me stop, however. It was my own confession. I had said it aloud, before I even realised it was true.

"I love him," I mumbled in surprise.

My mother gave me a contemptuous look. "I never took you for the imbecile type, Niamh, but now you disappoint me."

"I don't care," I said. "I'm not giving him up."

She scoffed. "You don't have to. He will give _you_ up when he's had enough of you. He will cast you aside and move on. And then you will be all alone, because don't you think I will take you back into our family."

She planted a seed of doubt. What she said was true. Sirius cast girls aside without care. But with us it was different. It felt different…didn't it?

I clenched my jaw. _There's only one way to find out…_

I stared defiantly at my mother. "We'll see about that."

Her upper lip curled up in a vicious snarl. "I see you're beyond reason. Fine then, you leave me no choice. If you don't agree to marry Evan, I will tell your Father about this. I don't think he'll be very pleased to hear his eldest daughter is being fucked by a blood traitor!"

I stared in shock at her. I almost forgot to breathe. Never had I heard my mother utter vulgar words.

She walked closer to me. "Do you know what he'll do to you, Niamh? I think you can imagine."

"You wouldn't…" I said in disbelief. "I'm your daughter. And his."

"No daughter of mine acts the way you do. You disgust me. I will be happy to turn you over to your father and his acquaintances if you don't obey me in this."

The name was left unsaid, but it hung between us, black as a shadow. Voldemort.

Fear clutched my throat in a merciless grip. I would be a traitor. A traitor in the hands of Voldemort.

Was I really prepared to take it that far? For someone who I wasn't sure of? Sirius, so easily distracted, what if he found a more interesting girl? I would have nothing. He'd never said anything about his feelings for me, or his thoughts on what we were doing. This was all just a nice pastime for him. He'd got away from his family, but I was in too deep. Cutting myself loose, for him, on the off chance that he might have deeper feelings for me... I couldn't take that risk. Evan, on the other hand, seemed like a nice enough wizard. Handsome, rich, and we got along quite well, judging from our correspondence. Would it really be that bad?

She smirked when she saw the doubt in my eyes. "Are you really going to throw your life away, daughter, over a whoring blood traitor?"

I resented the triumphant tone in her voice with all my heart.

"Your father will hunt him down, your beloved little disgrace. Whatever he'll do to you, he will do so ten times worse to Black." She let out a chilling laugh. "With your father's talents… I don't think there will be anything left to bury."

In utter disgust I watched my mother. I wish I could say that I had never seen her like this, but I knew she could be cold and ruthless. I didn't know she was able to be so to her own child.

She narrowed her eyes. "It's your choice. You either marry Evan and we can forget about this unpleasant business, or I will make you pay for disgracing me and the family and your... _lover_ won't live to see the next day."

There was not a doubt in my mind that her threats were real. All she had to do was send word to my father, and it would happen as she predicted. My father was not a forgiving man. And my mother was capable of destroying her own daughter.

"Mother, please…" It was barely more than a whisper.

"Marry Evan or suffer the consequences." Her voice was cold and void of any emotion.

"Please…"

"I won't ask again." Her words were final.

That moment I chose to rip my heart out of my chest.

"He will want to know why." I forced myself to say it.

"Then I suggest you tell him a likely story to discourage him. Or I might be inclined to tell your father anyway."

She laid a hand on my cheek. I jerked away in pure loathing. She grabbed my chin and forced me to look at her.

"Listen to me. Evan will attend the ball as well. Your engagement will be announced then. Talk to Black, but come straight back here. I am not letting you out of my sight, until you're engaged to Evan and I can forget this mess. Do you understand me, Niamh?"

I lowered my eyes in defeat. "I understand."


	16. Broken and Tied Together

**DollFace080: **Thanks for your review! They're not really likeable, are they? Anyway, enjoy!

**Katy: **Thanks very much! It seems like a very difficult period to live in, doesn't it? I hope you like the next chapter.

**MsPadfootVerona:** I'm still writing! I'm still writing! I'm glad you thought it was a good chapter :) I liked your comment about not being in control. It's very true. Niamh's really in a dead end now...

**hpandfriendsruletheworld: **Sorry! It's not over yet...

**Padfootz-luvr: **Wow! You are really making me blush! But if it wasn't for JKR, I wouldn't be able to write this fic :D Enjoy the next chapter!

**Messr-Paddifoots-love: **Will I? I guess you'll have to read to find out ;) Enjoy!

**lacatamar:** Here it is! I hope you're still alive lol.

**J: **Cliffhangers are a lot of fun to do, I must say :D Here's the next chapter. I hope you like it.

**PotentialTempest: **Thanks! You're right: Astarte is just doing what she thinks is right. She will do anything to protect the good name of the family and take out those who threaten it, no matter who they are...

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything from JKR's novels and I'm not making any money out of this, so sueing is pointless, really...

* * *

**Broken and Tied Together**

I paced nervously around the room, clutching my hands. I had sent a note to Sirius, telling him to meet me in the storage rooms. I fought back the urge to cry. My mind was made up, but every other part of my being begged me not to go through with this.

"I have to do this," I mumbled. "I have to, I have to." I whispered the words to the empty room, turning it into a mantra to convince myself. If I couldn't pull this off, Sirius would be dead and so would I.

I stopped my pacing, forcing myself to calm down. Sirius had a way of seeing right through me, but I could not let that happen this time. He had to believe me. If I told him the truth, he wouldn't stay away. The threats would not concern him. He would simply defy them, meeting my father head on. And dead he would be. Not straight away, no, my father would enjoy himself first.

Sirius might not love me, but I loved him and my mother's threats had chilled me to the bone. My father would kill him, the blood traitor that had defiled his daughter. Killing two birds with one stone. My stomach turned. I was doing this to protect him. And myself.

The door opened. Turning towards it, I begged for enough strength. I braced myself when Sirius stepped inside, leaning against the door to close it. He grinned. "Never knew you liked the storage rooms so much, love. You should have told me ages ago."

Every part of my body tensed as I looked at his handsome face. His sleek, black hair that he brushed impatiently out of his face, the mischievous gleam in his eyes, the naughty smirk that played on his lips.

I took a deep breath. Sirius frowned. "Are you alright?" he asked concerned, walking towards me. I stopped him from wrapping his arms around me with a hand on his chest.

"I'm fine," I said, as cool as I could. "We need to talk." I took a step back, knowing that if he stayed this close, I would never be able to do this.

"What about?"

_Merlin, please help me._

I put on a stoic mask and folded my arms. "This has been nice for as long as it's lasted. But we will graduate tomorrow and this has got to end."

"What do you mean, end?" Sirius frowned.

"This. Us," I said, gritting my teeth, unable to elaborate. "It's over."

"What are you talking about? I thought we had something special going on." He looked in disbelief at me, a faint hope in his eyes that I was just making a joke. It felt like somebody stabbed a knife between my ribs.

"It's time to grow up. We had our fun, true, but that's over now." I folded my arms a little tighter, trying to hug myself.

"I don't believe you. What the hell is going on?" he demanded. "We had more than just fun, Niamh, and you know it."

"Surely you don't believe that yourself," I scorned disdainfully, twisting the knife in my chest a little further.

"Yes, I do!" Sirius shouted, losing his temper. "Damn it, what are you trying to do?"

"I'm ending this," I hissed. "It was nice while it lasted and you're great in bed, but that was it. Nothing more." I stared icily at him.

Sirius's jaw dropped. "You can't be serious. How can you say that? It _is_ more. Jesus, Niamh, when you sent me that note I thought you wanted to talk about after graduation. What we're going to do. I want you with me!" he shouted, running his hands through his hair.

That gesture, so typical of him, gutted me and I closed my eyes for a second.

"I love you, Niamh."

My eyes snapped open. He walked towards me, saying, "I don't care about the others. I need you in my life."

_No, no, please no…_

I fought back my panic. I couldn't falter now. I had to make sure we were both safe. I stepped away from him. "You want me in your life?" I scoffed viciously. "Well, I don't want you in mine. We're through. And I suggest you stop making a fool of yourself, before you make me laugh."

Sirius stared at me, the hurt clear in his eyes. He was always so open, never holding back, so unlike me. And now I would use it to give him the final blow.

I curled my lip up in disgust, sneering, "Surely you didn't think I would ever want to be seen in public with a filthy Muggle-loving blood traitor, did you?"

Sirius stared at me, anger, disbelief, and hurt fighting for control. "You cold bitch," he breathed, still struggling with what I just said to him. I raised a contemptuous eyebrow at him.

"Unbelievable." He shook his head, taking a step back from me.

My hands ached to reach out to him, telling him I was sorry and that I didn't mean it. That I loved him too. All I did was stand there, keeping the icy mask in place and waiting for him to turn away from me.

Sirius raised his hands in defeat. "Fine," he said, "have it your way." He gave me a deadly look. "What a talented actress you are to have me fooled like that."

_I'm fooling you right now!_ I screamed in my head. I stared back with a expressionless face.

Sirius turned his back on me, jerking the door open. "Enjoy your graduation," he spat out bitterly, before the door slammed shut. It rang in my ears.

I stood there for a moment, holding my breath, until a sudden wave of nausea overtook me and I threw up on the floor. Shaking, I pointed my wand at the mess and muttered, "_Scourgify."_

I felt numb. My breath hitching, I walked to the door like a wooden doll, and went back to my mother's room. She was waiting for me.

"It's done," I croaked.

"Good," she said. "It's almost time for dinner. Dumbledore invited me to dinner in the Hall earlier, but I told him I wasn't feeling well. I can't bear to look at that blood traitor. I will see you tomorrow morning. We have to discuss which dress you'll be wearing at the ball. I don't want anyone thinking that something is wrong."

I stared out of the window. My mother's rigid grip on my shoulder pulled me from my thoughts. "Are you listening, Niamh? If you do even the slightest thing on the ball to suggest that something is wrong, I will carry out my threat."

"I understand," I said.

"I hope so. You may leave."

Without a word I turned around and left her. I walked around the corridors for a while, before I went to the Hall for dinner. I avoided looking at the Gryffindor table and took a seat with my back to it, feeling like a coward. It didn't help the sense of furious eyes burning into my back, though.

I listened to the talk of my house mates, without hearing what they said. I moved my food around my plate a little. The bites I took stuck in my throat and more than once my eyes filled with moist. I quickly blinked to get rid of the tears, to make sure no one saw them.

After dinner I went to my dorm and curled myself up on my bed, listening to Sirius's angry shouts in my head.

It didn't matter what he shouted. It was for the best this way. He was safe and I was safe. It didn't even matter that he'd told me he loved me. How long would that have lasted anyway? Evan wasn't so bad, I could be happy with him. I would have a good life, not having to look over my shoulder all the time.

"Niamh?" a soft voice asked. It was Lana. I didn't answer and bit down on my pillow.

"What's wrong?" I heard her footsteps and felt my bed dent a little when she sat on it.

"Wrong?" I scoffed. "Nothing's wrong. I'm going to marry Evan. I've never been happier."

"What?" Lana said confused. "What do you mean? What about Sirius?"

I couldn't hold back a whimper.

"Niamh, stop it," Lana snapped. "Look at me." She put a hand on my shoulder and I rolled on my back, looking at her. "What happened?" she asked gently.

"I broke up with him," I said, my lip trembling.

"Oh, darling, why did you do that?" Her kind and gentle voice caused tears to gather in my eyes.

"Be -- because I'm going to marry Evan," I choked. Lana pulled me up and closed me in her arms. For the first time in seven years I cried in the arms of my best friend. She stroked my hair and made soothing noises, while I let my control over myself go.

When I calmed down a little, she pushed me back and said, "If this isn't what you want, then we can do something about it. We can -- "

I stopped her. "Don't, Lana. It's done. It's for the best this way. I will marry Evan. Just be my friend and support me, please?"

Lana hesitated for a moment, but then she sighed. "Alright, if this is what you want."

"This is what I want."

* * *

The next day passed in a blur. I didn't even remember what colour my dress was after the fitting session in my mother's room. I stared out of the window, seeing nothing but the occasional flash of Sirius's face before my eyes. My mother's renewed threat enabled me to greet my father and brother properly and with a smile plastered on my face late in the afternoon. My brother pulled me in a bear-like hug, saying I had made an excellent choice. 

_When did he become such good friends with Evan?_ I thought bewildered.

My father cupped my face with a proud gleam in his eyes and kissed me gently on the cheek. He walked past me to my mother and suddenly I was face to face with my future husband. Evan gave me a brilliant smile and took my hand to kiss it.

"Hi," I choked while fighting the urge to jerk my hand back.

"Let's leave them alone for a moment," I heard my mother say, followed by retreating footsteps. I clenched my other hand in a fist, drawing blood from my palm with my fingernails.

"Niamh," Evan beamed. "I can't tell you how happy I am you accepted my proposal."

A feeble smile was all I could muster. "It was a bit unexpected," I said.

Evan chuckled. "I know. And I'm aware that we don't know each other very well, but I was very much impressed with you when I saw you again on New Year's Eve, and even more because of your letters. I knew I wanted a wife like you, and when your father told me you weren't engaged, which astounded me, franky…"

It was becoming painful to keep the smile on my face. For some reason my mind drifted off and I made a mental note to buy a stock of Spellotape to hold the corners of my mouth up, so I would be able to smile like this the rest of my life. I giggled.

Evan took it as encouragement and continued, "I couldn't take the risk that someone else would beat me to it, so I asked your father for your hand."

"And he accepted," I finished for him.

"Yes. I feel very fortunate," Evan said gallantly.

"So do I," I said, noting that my smile was fading and quickly revived it. Evan smiled back. "Come on," I said, "I'll show you to your room."

Feeling like a puppet whose strings were pulled by my mother, I walked Evan to his room, where he pulled me inside. "I know the engagement isn't announced until tonight, but I wanted to give you this in private," he said. He opened his hand and showed me a ring. Not surprisingly, it was silver and had three emerald stones embedded in the twisting silver bands that the ring was made of.

"It's very beautiful," I said and held out my hand. It was trembling.

"It's been in the family for ages. It's passed on from one heir to the next when they wed," Evan explained. He slipped the ring on my finger. Though it was a perfect fit, it felt like my finger was being squeezed off. I scolded myself for acting ridiculous. This was what I wanted, wasn't it?

Evan stroked my cheekbone with his thumb and it hit me what he had in mind. I forced myself to stand still and not back away, for such a reaction would be considered quite strange. When he leaned into me, my mind screamed not to think of Sirius and I locked him out of my head.

Evan's kiss was not unpleasant, but so unlike Sirius's. Pushing him out of my mind once again, I kissed my fiancé back. After a few minutes he pulled away. "You should get ready for dinner," he said with a boyish grin on his face. "We'll have plenty of time to continue this later."

My body tensed, but he didn't notice it. "I'll see you at dinner then," I said and left.

* * *

**Gryffindor Common Room**

Sirius had been angry before in his life, in fact he was quick to lose his temper, but never had he experienced this sense of outrage, hurt, and confusion. He was unable to sit still for more than a minute. Every time he stopped moving a new flame of fury blazed through him, causing him to leap to his feet again and resume his pacing.

James had jumped to his friend's side immediately, trying to comfort him. The last few weeks he had thought that maybe he should warm up to the unconventional love of his best friend, but now it seemed he was right after all. Padfoot's behaviour worried him. He had never been this upset about a girl. James gritted his teeth, imagining the unpleasant things he would do to that Slytherin bitch if he ever caught her alone.

Remus sat in a large armchair, feeling dumbstruck. He had watched James and Sirius pace around the common room the entire day and the evening before, wondering how he could have been this wrong about Niamh. They had spent quite some time together revising their NEWTs and he had been so sure that what she felt for his best friend was sincere.

Peter climbed through the portrait hole. "We should get to the Entrance Hall. Parents will be pouring in at any moment." His eyes fixed themselves on Sirius and his face fell. "Are you coming too, Padfoot?" he asked quietly.

Sirius looked up. "Coming? Yeah, sure -- your parents are coming, aren't they, Prongs?"

"Yup," James answered.

"Let's go," Sirius said, a determined expression appearing on his face.

They walked to the Entrance Hall. Sirius, in deep thoughts, suddenly bumped into Remus, who had frozen on the spot. "Merlin, Moony, watch out," he growled.

James had frozen too. Sirius followed their gaze.

"Uh-oh," Peter said, which was not quite what Sirius was thinking.

At the other end of the hall Niamh stood, smiling at a handsome man who kissed her hand.

"Evan Rosier!" Sirius hissed. "What the hell is he doing here?" Fire shot out of his eyes. He watched the two converse pleasantly with each other. Rosier didn't let go of Niamh's hand and she didn't mind.

His friends watched Sirius tense up with apprehension. He was about to explode. They knew all too well what happened when their friend exploded. James put a hand on his chest to refrain Sirius from bursting in on the two. When they walked away hand in hand he sighed in relief.

Sirius's chest heaved. "That witch," he snarled. "What in Merlin's name is she doing with Rosier? If he isn't a bloody Death Eater, then Dumbledore is."

James glanced at him, reluctant to speak his mind. It seemed that Niamh was more involved in the Death Eater group than any of them had thought. After all, why wouldn't she be, with a family like that? Sirius had been very wrong about her.

"James!" a cheerful voice called. Lily walked towards them, her red hair bouncing up and down. She beamed at her boyfriend.

James grinned and pulled her close for a kiss. She broke away a little later and said, "I want you to meet my parents and my sister." She took James's hand and gestured with the other at the rest of the Marauders. "You come along too."

They met Lily's slightly nervous parents and her rather sour-looking sister Petunia. Sirius had little time to stew on Niamh after that, because James's parents dropped in at that moment, as did Remus's and Peter's.

Zarah walked by with her parents, causing Remus to frantically search for something invisible in his pockets. Sirius rolled his eyes, but didn't have the energy to call her to introduce themselves to her parents. Fortunately James did, and ten minutes later Remus stood baffled, looking at Zarah's retreating back and panicking whether he would remember the steps of the dance he had just asked her to dance with him.

James and Peter smirked at their distraught friend and ushered him back to the common room where they changed into their dress robes. Sirius followed, simmering with anger.

A little while later they met their parents in front of the Great Hall and walked in for the graduation ceremony.

* * *

Review! Review! 


	17. Graduation

**DollFace080: **Yeah, I feel sorry for them myself too, but I can't help myself ;) Here's the graduation chapter…

**Darklady5289: **Thank you! I hope you like the next chapter.

**Padfootzluvr:** I am going to download Mr. Brightside right now, because I don't know it, but El Tango de Roxanne…that does touch a bit of a nerve, I think.

**Lacatamar: **I wanted to keep the prejudice-thing an issue, you know: "All Slytherins are evildoers." Although I'm having a pretty hard time not starting to believe in it myself after reading HBP… So about the name. I read it in a book once, that was sort of a remake of the fairytale of the seven brothers that are turned into swans by the evil stepmother and their sister cannot speak for seven years and has to weave shirts for them. I only know the title in Dutch and I'm not even sure of it, but anyway the sister – Sorcha – and the man she falls in love with, have two children and one of them is called Niamh. I really liked the name, so it just stuck with me, I guess.

**Katy: **It's an Irish name. I looked it up once and it's the name of the daughter of the sea god in Irish mythology. It's pronounced: Neev, rhymes with believe. Thanks for the compliment, by the way. It's a great thing to hear…read, I mean. Enjoy!

**Hpandfriendsruletheworld: **yup, pretty sad, isn't it? Don't know how it's going to turn out…o wait, yes I do… :D Here's the next chapter!

**MsPadfootVerona: **(squeals in fear and hides under desk) LOL… I'm almost too scared to continue writing what I had in mind…almost… Anyway, I meant broken up with Sirius and tied to Evan! My sincerest apologies to you and your forearms :D Enjoy!

**Padfootzluvr: **I just downloaded the song and you're right, that _is_ weird! Very appropriate. I really like the song, by the way.

* * *

**Graduation**

Once again I needed to look my best to cover up the fact that something was wrong with me. Like I had done before the Christmas ball, I eyed myself in the mirror. I looked different. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it was there. Disgusted with myself I turned away, before the mirror could tell me its opinion. Subconsciously I had fisted my hands again. I relaxed my fingers and smoothened the night blue silk of my gown. The emeralds in my ring twinkled in the soft light. I quickly averted my eyes.

I left my dorm and waited for Deirdre in the empty common room. Most students had already returned home for the summer holidays, except the ones with brothers or sisters in their seventh year. Deirdre's OWLs had gone quite well, or that's what she thought at least. She would receive her grades somewhere during the summer.

Late as usual, Deirdre rushed out of her dorm, grinning at me. "I'm so excited. I still can't believe you're actually marrying Evan Rosier. He's the most handsome of all the men in our circle. And so well-connected. You're a lucky girl," she sighed.

"Yeah, I am," I muttered miserably.

Deirdre frowned. "Something wrong?"

My head shot up. "No," I said quickly, "just nervous, I suppose." I chided myself mentally for letting my composure slip. "Let's go the Hall."

Our parents, brother, and Evan were already waiting for us. Evan offered me his arm. Together we walked into the Hall, which looked considerably different from normal. Numerous small tables were scattered around the Hall, already set for dinner. People walked to and fro between the tables, talking to friends and congratulating students.

We were quite late, but my father managed to find a table next to a friend of his: Helios Malfoy. His son, Devon, had graduated too. Devon's sister Alexia, who had been in Slytherin in Rowan's year, was also there. She cast curious glances at Evan and me. I noticed a lot of people did. It reminded me to paste my smile back on my face. Looking as happy as I could I sat next to my fiancé.

When most people were seated, Dumbledore rose and welcomed us. As usual he kept his speech short and promised he would continue after dinner. Menus appeared on our tables and while we were deciding what we would have, my mother looked around distastefully. "I can't believe they let _Muggles_ in the castle. I told you last year, Bran, how appalling I find it. As if Muggle-borns are not bad enough. I wish somebody would do something about it."

Rowan raised a sardonic eyebrow. "Things _are_ being done about it, Mother," he grinned and exchanged a meaningful look with Evan, who grinned back. My mother chuckled.

I hid my horrified face in my cup and tried to calm my pounding heart. It wasn't difficult to grasp the meaning of my brother's comment. So, I'd been right about my suspicions about my brother. _But Evan too? _I was getting sucked into this faster than I had realised. Suddenly I feared I was marrying a man that I had misjudged terribly. Merlin, had I said yes to a Death Eater?

Our food appeared immediately after we had ordered it. I poked aimlessly at my venison with my fork. The few bites I took lay heavy on my stomach, cold and greasy. Every now and then I carefully looked around the Hall, trying to find Sirius and dreading it at the same time. I couldn't see him, however.

Deirdre dragged me into a conversation about my wedding. I smiled and nodded and giggled on cue. I had no idea what she was talking about. My mother narrowed her eyes at me and I decided to put more effort into my conversations.

"Evan," Deirdre continued. "When are you two getting married?"

"I've always loved summer weddings," my mother commented. "There's no point in waiting, really." I averted my eyes to escape her cold stare.

Evan smiled at his future sister-in-law and said, "I suppose we'll simply have to do it somewhere during the summer, so you can be your sister's bridesmaid."

Deirdre laughed. "As long as you don't make me wear a horrible dress, Niamh."

I raised an eyebrow. "I thought we should go with pink. That would match your hair perfectly."

Deirdre choked on her drink. "Don't you dare," she threatened, brushing a bright red curl from her face. The men burst out laughing. My mother cast an approving glance at me, which made my smile falter immediately.

I spent the rest of dinner smiling and nodding again. After dessert all plates vanished from the tables and Dumbledore got up again. "After such an excellent feast I wish to ask all our graduates to come forward and take their place on the stage." Dumbledore clapped his hands and a huge stage appeared on the left side of the Hall. "Then we can proceed."

I got up and walked to the stage, meeting Lana and Narcissa on the way. I had a difficult time swallowing the anger I felt at seeing her. Lana, noticing my strained face, quickly stepped between us and chatted away with Narcissa. She didn't remember anything whatsoever and had recovered from the effects of the Memory Charm. She acted like her normal self again. I should remember to do the same.

Thankfully I was nowhere near Sirius on the stage. I completely missed Dumbledore's speech trying to locate him in the group of graduates. Lana nudged me in the side and I looked in front of me again.

Dumbledore continued, "When your name is called, please step forward to receive your certificates." Dumbledore began calling out names. I jolted up straight when I heard Sirius's name right after Narcissa's. He sauntered to Dumbledore, his usual charming smile tensed, and accepted his certificates.

"Niamh Carden," Dumbledore called out. I gasped. Lana pushed me forwards. I stared right in front of me when I passed Sirius on his way back. He clenched his jaw and threw me a loathing look when he stalked past me.

Dumbledore handed me the documents and I cast a wide smile to the audience, before turning back. Back on my place next to Lana my hands started to shake and I bit my lip.

"Gareth Donovan," I heard Dumbledore say in the distance. Lana gave a little squeak. Finally, after what seemed hours, every graduate had their papers and after a loud applause and cheers everybody walked back to their families. My father kissed me on the cheeks, as did my mother. Deirdre and Rowan hugged me and stepped aside.

Evan pulled me close and whispered, "Congratulations." He kissed me full on the mouth. Somewhere in the distance a cup fell clattering to the floor.

"Before we turn to our annual graduation ball," Dumbledore said, "I believe there is a special announcement to be made by one of our old students, to brighten up this festive day even more. Evan…."

Evan grinned and took my hand. He walked us to where Dumbledore stood. Evan turned towards the people in the Hall. "I am very happy and very lucky to announce my engagement. I would like to introduce you to Niamh Carden, my future wife."

There was a round of applause. Loud whistles came from the tables where Slytherins were seated. I smiled blindly, careful to avoid the look of shock and horror on Sirius's face, but unable to do so. He rose half from his chair, gripping the edge of the table, and looked more than ready to punch someone in the face. I had a feeling it would either be Evan or me.

Remus stepped in and pushed Sirius back in his seat with an uncommon use of force. He kept his hand on his friend's shoulder, but looked at me with an unreadable expression on his face. My smile was quickly turning into a grimace and I looked away from him.

"Kiss, kiss!" Devon, Gareth, and many more Slytherins began to chant. Evan grinned widely at them and cupped my face with his hands. I braced myself and kissed him back when his lips touched mine, sliding a hand around his neck for a better effect. The Slytherins cheered.

Evan broke the kiss and stood up straight again. I only dared to glance at Sirius, who now had both Remus and James's hands on his shoulders and Peter had moved in front of him to hide him from view, and seemed to be talking to him, making urgent gestures with his hands.

"Ah, such youth," Dumbledore sighed and continued, "Well now, if you would all please rise, we can begin our ball."

There was a loud scraping of seats being moved across the stone floor when Evan and I walked back. Dumbledore clapped his hands again and the tables disappeared, to be replaced by a large dance floor and seats along the wall. Several musical instruments appeared on the stage.

Dumbledore made one final comment. "Besides the Hobgoblins there will be an entirely new group performing tonight. I have the honour to introduce you to the Weird Sisters."

The younger people began to shout their approval loudly, while the older generations merely looked around in amusement at such enthusiasm.

I danced many times with Evan. He seemed eager to show me off. I felt like a fly in an Acromantula-web and I had cut off the only escape route that I had: Sirius. I bit back the immense pity I suddenly felt for myself and gave myself a mental slap. I had put myself in this situation and now I would have to live with that.

I finally had a moment of rest when Evan danced with Deirdre. Lana marched towards me and sat next to me. "I need to talk to you. Outside."

"What?"

"Now, Niamh. Come on." Lana grabbed my hand rather forcefully and pulled me to my feet. We walked out of the Great Hall.

I wrenched my hand out of her grip. "Lana, what is this all about?"

Lana gave me an angry look. "You love him," she hissed. "Don't you deny it."

"I won't," I said and looked to the floor.

"And he's crazy about you. He left the Hall right after you announced your engagement. He looked horrible!"

"I know," I said, flinching slightly because it hurt almost physically.

"Then what is going on? Why are you not fighting? Damn it, Niamh, I've never seen you this downcast, this docile!"

I lifted my eyes to my best friend. "It'll take some time to adjust. It was rather unexpected, you know."

Lana made a dismissive gesture. "Dragon dung! And a lot of it! You knew this was going to happen sooner or later. You asked me to support you, but I'm sorry, I can't. Not when this new you is the consequence. You love Sirius. Why did you give him up so easily?"

"Easy!" I shouted, anger flaring up instantly. "You think this was easy for me?"

"Then what the hell is going on?" Lana shouted back.

I clenched my fists. "Narcissa found out," I hissed through my teeth. "She told my mother, who gave me a choice. I would have to marry Evan or she would tell my father about Sirius."

"So? Let her!" Lana said, still very angry.

"So?" I repeated, shaking my head. "I think you're forgetting what family I come from. Sirius is a blood traitor. My father would kill him and consider me a traitor to his blood. You have no idea how deep he and my brother are involved in the Death Eater group. I would not only be a traitor to my family, but one to the pure-blood community. My father would have no difficulty handing me over to You-Know-Who."

Lana's jaw dropped. "He would never do that," she sputtered in shock, "nor your mother."

"That's the thing, Lana. They would."

Lana sagged a little. "What did you tell Sirius?"

I cringed. "That it was over. That it was nothing more than a couple of shags. That I would never want to be seen in public with a blood traitor."

Lana grimaced. "And now what?"

Now nothing," I shrugged. "I've made a decision. Sirius doesn't want anything to do with me and I'm engaged. End of story." I bit my lip to hold back the sob in my throat.

* * *

I stared out of the window without seeing the lusciously green meadows that surrounded our manor. Two months ago my engagement had been announced in all papers, right after I had left Hogwarts. I'd been at a party or soirée almost every night since. 

Evan's family were delighted about me. His sister Amelia was recently married to Seth Zabini and she initiated me in the 'Order of Wives and Fiancées'. I snorted disdainfully. They made it seem like marriage was the highest accomplishable thing for a respectable witch. Most of the time I just wanted to scream and run away from them. All I did was smile.

Fortunately Evan wasn't around much. Neither was Rowan. I no longer had any doubt as to what they were doing, as I could read about it in the papers the next morning. One murder after another. Several Hogwarts students from my year were killed with their families. Mary Peterson, Zarah Williams, Simon Johnson…

My face contorted when I thought of Remus Lupin. He had obviously been in love with Zarah, Lily Evans's best friend. It was not unlikely that my brother or my fiancé had finished her. I turned from the window, almost gagging with nausea. My eyes fell on my wedding dress. Only three weeks left. I choked when a terrifying sense of finality clutched my throat. Only three weeks until I married directly into the Death Eater circle. Merlin, I had been such a fool. Blinking the tears away quickly, I turned to my door to answer the knock.

Deirdre bustled inside. "Lana is downstairs to see you. Stop locking yourself in here whenever Evan isn't around. You do have your own life, you know."

I nearly burst into a fit of hysteria. Laughing almost maniacally because of the irony I walked past her, leaving my sister highly confused.

I wiped the tears from my eyes while I walked down the stairs. "Niamh, darling, we're going out shopping," Lana announced, kissing my cheeks. She looked at me and raised an eyebrow. "What's so funny?"

I giggled. "My sister. She says I have my own life." I giggled again.

"Right," Lana muttered. "You definitely need to get out."

"Let me freshen up first," I said.

"Maybe that's a good idea," Lana said, looking me up and down and definitely not liking what she saw. Half an hour later we Apparated to Diagon Alley.

It was just what I needed. Lana told me all about Gareth, with whom she was still together – to everybody's shock. We had dinner in London and went to her home afterwards.

"Where are your parents?" I asked.

"They're taking a mini-break. I have the house all to myself." She smiled in a very unsettling manner.

"Er... are you okay?" I asked bewildered.

"Just marvellous," she chirruped. At that moment the doorbell rang. "Could you get the door, love?" Lana said and Disapparated.

My eyebrows almost reached my hairline. "What the…" I muttered. The doorbell rang again, more urgently this time. Shaking my head and cursing Lana's idiotic behaviour I walked to the front door and opened it.

Completely shocked I took two steps back. I was staring in the face of a livid Sirius Black.


	18. Confrontation

**Padfootz-luvr: **Aw, poor you. I always hate the beginning of term… Did I update soon or did I update soon? I hope it will ease your state law suffering ;)

**Weaselgirl19: **I think so too! I can't help it :D Here's the update…

**Messr-Paddifoots-love: **(grins evilly) I know… I hope you like the next chapter.

**Darklady5289: **Go Lana, go Lana. She's so much fun to write. But will she succeed...?

**MsPadfootVerona: **Wow, thanks very much for such a wonderful review! The cliffie was pretty mean, wasn't it? I simply had to do it LOL. But at least I updated quickly. Enjoy!

p.s. Sorry your name get spelled wrongly every time, but something keeps editing the underscore and stars out and I don't know how to fix it!

**Hpandfriendsruletheworld: **It was pretty obvious, wasn't it? Subtlety is not one of Lana's traits.

**Jennie: **Thanks for your review! Here's more…

**PotentialTempest: **LOL. This chapter is evil-cliffy-free, I promise…

**DollFace080: **(puts on innocent face) I'm not telling…

**Lacatamar: **I'm glad people like Lana. She's one of my favourite characters. Here's what happens…

* * *

**Confrontation**

Sirius immediately stepped inside and slammed the door shut. I flinched visibly as the door was almost blown from its hinges by the sheer force of his hand. Intimidated I took another step back for safety and straightened myself. Sticking my chin up in the air, I asked, "What are you doing here?"

Sirius managed to look even more enraged and now I was actually getting scared. Without a word he grabbed my hand and looked at my ring. His eyes, that were almost black instead of the usual deep grey, narrowed in fury.

I swallowed with difficulty when he fixed those eyes on my face, but I snapped at him, "I asked you a question."

"I don't care," Sirius hissed venomously and pushed past me into the living room. Getting angry myself I followed him.

He turned around and looked me up and down, a truly murderous expression on his face now. "WHAT, in the name of all that is holy, were you thinking?" he suddenly yelled at me.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I shouted.

Sirius gave me an incredulous look and started pacing around the room. "What _exactly_ on this planet gave you the idea that I need to be protected?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I said arrogantly, folding my arms.

He stopped walking and snorted derisively. "Drop the act. Lana told me."

My jaw dropped. _That stupid, conniving little witch. Merlin damn her, did she want him dead?_

A small muscle twitched in Sirius's tensed jaw. "Can you imagine what I went through when she told me what you had done?" he hissed, gritting his teeth.

I stared back at him without saying anything.

"Can you? ANSWER ME!" Sirius raked his hands through his hair. "You're completely insane, do you know that?"

I opened my mouth. "I'm not insane! My mother knows about us. You're a blood traitor, or have you conveniently forgotten about that? She would have had you killed by my father or some other Death Eater. Damn it, Sirius, you have no idea how deep I'm involved."

"Do I look like I care about your family, or a few threats from Death Eaters?" Sirius shouted, gesturing wildly.

"No!" I shouted back. "You don't! But I do! This is exactly why I pushed you away. Because you don't care about a death threat. Because you would be brave and take the challenge. Because you would be killed!" My voice became increasingly shrill while I was yelling at him.

"Merlin's magic, Niamh, I told you I loved you and you just stood there with an ice-cold face - "

"And you think I was having a good time?" I screamed. "I love you too and I hate myself for every word I said."

"You love me?" Sirius roared. "Good! Then you know how it made me feel!"

"Of course I know! You stupid son of a hag! I did it for your own good."

"I can look after myself!"

"Yeah, and you would've got yourself killed."

"So what? That's better than hiding from what's going on, like you do!"

"I am not hiding. I did it to protect you!" Indignation flared up when he hit that nerve.

"I DON'T NEED PROTECTION!" Sirius bellowed.

I gave an loud and annoyed grunt and turned around. "This is getting us nowhere," I sighed and sank into a fauteuil. I rested my head in my hands. Still practically fuming, Sirius threw himself into another chair. We were quiet for a while.

I looked up. Sirius was staring intensely at me, the anger still clear in his eyes. "Look," I said and noticed how tired my voice sounded, "I did what I thought was best. There's no point in all this fighting. In three weeks I'm marrying Evan."

Sirius's hands clenched around the arm rests so tight that his knuckles turned white. "And that's it, isn't it?"

"Yes. It is," I answered firmly.

In one fluid motion he got up from his chair, dragged me from my own and pulled me to him, claiming my mouth in a feral kiss. After months of Evan's attentions my body instantly recognized the man it wanted and I kissed back like my life depended on it. Sirius pushed his tongue in my mouth, demanding entrance, which I was more than willing to allow.

For how long we stood there, our kiss no less furious than the previous fight, I don't know, but finally need of air broke us apart. Panting heavily because of my anger and desire, I glared at him.

Sirius glared back. "Enough of this nonsense," he growled. "You're not going back."

"Of course," I scoffed, "and the minute my family knows I've run off, we'll have a death squad on our tail."

His face contorted in anger again. "For the last time, I don't care who they send after me." He shook his head and gave me an ironic smile. "Besides, it won't be long before they're after me anyway."

"What are you talking about?" I asked startled.

"You didn't think I was going to sit still while my twisted relatives and their friends try to take over, did you?"

"No, not quite," I had to admit. That was very unlike Sirius. I studied him carefully. He looked older. I corrected myself: not older, more mature. Behind the boyish charm and cheeky exterior I saw a man staring back at me. "What happened?" I asked quietly.

Sirius blinked. "People died," he said softly.

"Zarah," I breathed.

He sighed. "Remus, he's -- " He closed his eyes for a moment. "They were finally together, you know."

I looked away from him and stepped out of his arms. He shot me a warning look. "Niamh…"

"I have to go," I said.

"Don't you dare walk away from me," he threatened and stepped closer. "I'm not letting you go back."

"And then what?" I asked sadly. "You'll take me with you? To your friends? And what will they say? You're better off without me."

His temper was rising quickly again. "I don't want to be without you," he said angrily. "Not now, not ever."

The icy splinter of doubt that had been infecting me since my mother's arrival at Hogwarts began to melt, but it didn't change matters. Too much had happened in the mean time.

"Sirius…" I cut him off, before he could say more. "My brother is a Death Eater. My fiancé is a Death Eater. My father may not actually be one, but he and mother agree with them wholeheartedly." I swallowed. "How can I ever look your friends, Remus in particular, in the eye, knowing that Rowan and Evan were there when Zarah was murdered?"

"Were _you_ there?" Sirius asked, knowing the answer. "Did you know about it?"

"No."

"It's not your fault."

"They're my family," I hissed.

Sirius let out a humourless laugh. "Family! I don't see any of my friends blaming me for what my _family_ has done."

"That's different."

"It's exactly the same!"

"No, it's not!" I snapped. I breathed heavily through my nose. This whole discussion was putting me in a thoroughly disturbing turmoil. "You are a Gryffindor. You've always been different from your family. Everybody knows that. You're disowned. Nobody considers you a part of the pure-blood community."

Sirius stared at me. His refusal to see it my way was evident in his eyes. I continued, "I'm a Slytherin. People see me as a loyal daughter to my father, which I have been. I even agreed with their ideas until my sixth year. I'm a part of my family. The perfect pure-blood witch they can be proud of." I paused, not knowing how I could make it more obvious. "So you see, there is an entire world of difference between you and me."

He stepped closer to me. "Do you like what your family is forcing you to do?"

"Of course not."

"When Lana came to my house this morning and told me what had happened, I couldn't believe it. I was still furious with you. All I could see was your cold and arrogant face, that day in the storage rooms, and you telling me that you had just used me. Remus was at my house. It were his arguments that convinced me." He put a slightly trembling hand against my cheek. A shadow of a grin appeared on his face. "That, and a rigorous smack on my head, of course."

Despite my despair I chortled.

"I've waited at Lana's house all day, getting myself even more worked up because of your incredible stupidity – don't pull away, it's true – but when I saw you – it was not _that_ what made me beside myself with anger. It was that damned ring on your hand." He smiled ruefully. "I was jealous, unbelievably jealous. All I wanted to do was yank that ring from your finger, throw it out of the house, and take you on the floor right there and then."

His hands moved to my shoulders, gripping them painfully tight. "The thought of _him_ with his hands on you…" Sirius's eyes darkened again. "You're mine," he growled suddenly, "mine alone. You belong to me." His grip tightened even more. "Just as much as I belong to you."

I closed my eyes.

"Come away with me. You're not your brother or your father. You can't blame yourself for what they do. Don't do that to yourself. It'll drive you mad and believe me, I know. Come with me," he said urgently. "For once, just trust me and come with me."

My eyes stung with tears and I felt my lip trembling. It was too late for pretences and masks now. It was all there, in the open. Raw and frightfully intense.

"Come with me. It'll be alright, I promise you."

But it didn't frighten me anymore. I opened my eyes. Sirius fell silent, hope and doubt in his eyes. "I trust you," I choked. Relief washed over his face.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

I grabbed his shirt to hold on to him and he wrapped his arms around me and pressed me against his chest. He rested his chin on my head and sighed heavily. I snuggled a little closer and snaked my arms around his waist, enjoying his warmth and scent while an overwhelming sense of belonging took over. The turmoil inside of me had quieted down and now I was just unbelievably relaxed. I leaned heavily against Sirius.

After a while we became aware of each other's proximity and our breathing slowed. I looked up to him and saw him staring at me with those darkened eyes again, not a sign of his anger this time. I licked my dry lips, causing him to fix them on my mouth.

"Lets go to my house. Hold me, I'll guide you," he said, his voice low and rough. I held on to his arm and we Disapparated.

We landed in a small, but comfortable room. When I turned my head I noticed the bed. I chuckled. He didn't waste any time. When I looked at Sirius my smart comment stuck in my throat. My legs turned into jelly.

"I need..." he began huskily. "I need to make you mine again. Will you let me?"

I nodded wordlessly.

His mouth came down on mine. He deepened his kiss almost immediately and I had to hold his shoulders to keep myself on my feet. Soon every sense of delicacy was lost as we kissed and nipped at each other's skin and lips. Feverishly I worked on his shirt, wanting more of his skin pressed against mine. Sirius's hands slipped under my clothes, leaving a trail of fire as they went about.

I had missed him so much; his voice, his eyes, his presence. It surprised me how much I'd been affected by not having him near me, and to have him back now, to finally be able to be in his arms again, it was enough to make me lose myself in a frenzy of skin against skin, lips on lips, and hands that pulled me ever closer, until we had worn each other out completely.

Sirius moved his weight to the side and pulled me tight against his body. I nestled myself in the crook of his arm. After regaining my breath, I wanted to say something, but Sirius cut me off.

"Shh, we'll have plenty of time to talk later," he mumbled in my hair and tightened his arms around me. "Just let me hold you." I was still smiling when I fell asleep peacefully for the first time in months.

* * *

Remember, click the grey button below! I'd really like to know what you think. 


	19. Meeting

**Weaselgirl19: **LOL. I'm glad you liked it :)

**DollFace080: **Thanks very much! Yeah, I believe Lana scored quite some bonus points there…

**Darklady5289: **Thanks a lot! Here's the next chapter.

**MsPadfootVerona: **(hands tissue) I'm very happy you liked it. I haven't planned the length. I do have the whole story in my head, which sometimes makes me feel really guilty when I read the reviews, but I don't know how long it'll take me to get to the end. Tom as Sirius! I hadn't thought about that one myself yet, but I like it. I can't really picture a specific actor as Sirius, though I have been wondering who they'll cast as young Sirius in the Pensieve… It just has to be in the OotP movie! Anyway, though Gary Oldman was not how I had pictured Sirius in my head, he did convince me. I loved the Shrieking Shack scene and I think we should've had more of it. But he does not match the Sirius in my head.

**Hpandfriendsruletheworld: **Here's the update! It was pretty emotional to write. I got angry myself and went downstairs to get some of my cure for everything: chocolate, and my sister was like: "gee, what's wrong with you?" LOL

**Wendela400: **Thanks! It's so nice to hear from a new reviewer :). Yeah, after I've finished Niamh's part, I'm going back to Harry to finish the story.

* * *

**Meeting**

The next morning I stretched my arms lazily above my head, chuckling as I recalled the past night. I had probably had no more than three hours of sleep, but I felt immensely relaxed, except for a few very sore muscles.

Sunlight was peeking through the curtains. It was warm in the bedroom, so I kicked off the sheets to let the morning air cool my body. A door opened and Sirius entered the room, wearing nothing but his underwear. The door revealed a bathroom. Sirius eyed me up and down and gave me a naughty grin. "Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes," he said and advanced on me like a predator.

I snorted loudly. "Sore _eyes_! You've got to be kidding me. My eyes are the only parts of me that aren't sore!"

Sirius burst out laughing. "Serves you right. My back is a bloody mess, thanks to you." He took a little sprint and landed on top of me, knocking the wind out of me.

I coughed and wheezed, "Merlin, man, how much do you weigh?"

Offended, Sirius stopped kissing my neck and lifted his head to glare at me. "If I had asked you that question, you would have cursed me into oblivion," he sputtered.

"It's different for a girl," I said seriously and wove a hand in his jet black hair.

"Whatever happened to emancipation?" he mumbled, lowering his head to my neck again.

"Stop trying to impress me with your Muggle knowledge," I chuckled and pushed Sirius on his back so I could straddle him. I grabbed his wrists and pinned them over his head.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "This is not emancipation. This is just your wish to dominate."

"Who cares?" I shrugged. "As long as I have fun." I bowed my head and flicked my tongue over his nipple. Sirius groaned and tried to free his wrists. I squeezed harder and he relented.

"And this is just plain evil," he said.

"I know," I smiled and moved my hips over his. He groaned again and bucked his hips up to mine. I leaned forward and began to tease his lips with my tongue.

It didn't take long for me to give up my teasing and kiss him more passionately. I didn't hear the male voice calling for Sirius until the bedroom door flew open and James Potter burst in, yelling, "Padfoot! Where the hell are you? Why aren't you -- whoa, shit!"

Giving a loud scream I rolled off Sirius and off the bed, crashing rather violently into the wooden floor. "BLEEDIN' HIPPOGRIFFS!" I shouted.

"Er… Padfoot?" James asked his friend, who was howling with laughter on his bed. I snatched a sheet from the bed and wrapped it around me before I got to my feet.

"One word, Sirius," I grunted and rubbed my forehead, "carpet." Sirius took one look at me and burst into another fit.

"Bastard," I muttered.

James looked in confusion from me to his friend and back to me. "Can someone please explain what is going on?" he shouted.

Sirius wiped the tears from his eyes, but did not change his sprawled out position on the bed. "Niamh and I made up," he hiccoughed.

James snorted and raised an eyebrow. "Really? I would not have guessed seeing her sit on top of you stark-bloody-naked. Thank Merlin _you_ were wearing something or I would've have had traumas for life."

I glared at both of them and tightened my improvised toga a little more. More footsteps headed up the stairs and Remus and Lily Evans and three more people I didn't know stuck their heads around the door.

_Oh, fabulous. This is getting better and better._

Lily's eyes widened in shock when she saw me. "Carden?" she asked confused.

"Hello, Niamh," Remus said calmly. "I take it you talked things through?"

"I don't think 'talk' is the correct word here, Moony," James grinned wickedly. Lily's mouth opened and closed, without a sound coming from her. James came to his girlfriend's aid. "They've been seeing each other since Christmas," he explained, "until she engaged herself to Rosier. Are you going to explain that, by the way?"

I shrugged. _Why not? _I shot a nasty look at the still sniggering Sirius and began explaining what had happened.

After I had finished Lily looked at me in horror. "Surely they would never do such a thing!"

"Welcome to the pure-blood world," I told her cynically.

James gave me a careful look. "So now what? Are you going to leave your family?"

I straightened myself to my full five foot and three inches. "Yes, I am."

"And you're staying with Sirius?"

"If he promises to get some carpet for his bedroom, I will," I said and glowered at the inflexible floor.

Sirius chuckled. "I promise." He jumped from his bed and ushered all the people out. "If you don't mind, we'll just get dressed now and then you can explain why half the Order is invading my house." He closed the door and turned to me. "Shall we take a shower together?" he asked with an inviting smile.

"Is that door locked?" I retorted with raised eyebrows.

"Definitely."

I dropped my sheet and we hurried to the bathroom. Twenty minutes later we made our way to the living room, where the others were waiting. Remus invited me to sit with him and I gingerly sat myself next to him, feeling uncomfortable under the scrutinizing gazes of the others. Sirius plonked next to me and brought his mouth close to my ear. "You don't have to do that," he whispered.

I knew what he meant and relaxed a bit, dropping the walls I had instantly pulled up around me. He gave me a crooked smile, before he turned his attention to the people in the room. "Is anyone going to tell me what you're all doing here?"

"Are you going to tell us what _she_ is doing here? Or have you forgotten that we have a meeting this morning?" one of the unknown men, who looked like he was in his late twenties, asked.

"Damn it," Sirius muttered, "I forgot. Benjy, this is my girlfriend."

Benjy snorted. "Isn't your girlfriend engaged to Evan Rosier? It was all over the papers."

"I _was_ engaged to Evan Rosier," I said sharply.

"And she's coming to the meeting," Sirius said.

"What meeting?" I asked him under my breath.

"I'll explain later," Sirius answered.

"You want to bring a Death Eater along?" Benjy sputtered indignantly.

"She's no more a Death Eater than I am, Benjy. Unless you think you can judge us by our families," Sirius growled. I suddenly felt very warm inside.

"She's different from you," Benjy protested.

"I'm not," I said calmly. "It just took me longer to cut my ties."

"I believe her," Remus's quiet voice interjected, causing another stream of protests from Benjy's mouth.

"Look," the other unknown man cut him off, "let's just leave her here until Dumbledore arrives, and let him decide what to do." There was a murmur of agreement from the others. "I'm Caradoc, by the way. That's Benjy and this is Emmeline."

"Niamh Carden. Pleasure to meet you."

"It's almost noon. The rest should be arriving soon," Caradoc said in general and indeed, three people Apparated in the room.

"Oh God, I hate Apparating," a blonde woman groaned and shook her head to get rid of some dizziness. She looked around. "Hello, darlings," she grinned and then her eyes rested on me. "What's this? A new member?" Her eyes narrowed. "Wait a minute, aren't you -- "

"Yes, Marlene, that's Niamh Carden," Caradoc said dryly. "Niamh, this is Marlene McKinnon. Marlene, we'll explain later."

Marlene cast a last perturbed look at me and found herself a seat. Sirius pointed at the other two, who were twins. "Gideon and Fabian Prewett." I nodded at the two tall men with flaming red hair.

"Is your husband coming?" Sirius asked Marlene.

"No," she chuckled, "I made him baby-sit the kids. They're driving my mother crazy, so I gave her a week off."

Frank Longbottom, a Gryffindor from my year, Apparated and cast me a look similar to the one Marlene had given me. Caradoc, Sirius and Remus simultaneously said, "Later."

Four more people Apparated shortly after another. Elphias Doge, Dorcas Meadowes, Edgar Bones, and Peter Pettigrew, who took a seat farthest away from me. He had been extremely guarded around me, ever since I had hexed him into the infirmary.

Sirius took his wand from his pocket, right when one of the most famous Aurors Apparated into the room. "Black!" Alastor Moody barked. "Are you still keeping that wand in your trousers? You'll blow something off you'll need later on!"

"Hello, Alastor," Sirius grinned and conjured a table with tea cups and a plate with sandwiches. "You don't have to worry. I've got more than enough to compensate if I do."

_Oh, please! _I turned my head to give him an incredulous look. "If you say so…" I muttered.

Sirius's jaw dropped. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked indignantly. The others sniggered and Moody's magical eye stopped spinning and fixed itself on me.

"A Carden?" he inquired in a low voice.

"Yes," I said, "a Carden."

He looked at me for a long time as if he was examining me and then his face turned a little less grumpy. "There's a first time for everything."

Benjy made a derisive sound. Lily jerked her head towards him and snapped, "Shut up!"

Dumbledore Apparated with the one person I never expected so see here. Dumbledore took his hat off and sighed. "Minerva can't join us today. We're too busy preparing for the new year at Hogwarts."

I stared open-mouthed at the other person. "P -- professor Morton?"

Corbin Morton, Head of Slytherin House and childhood friend of my father, turned his head to me in surprise and shock. "Niamh?"

"Ah," Dumbledore said, "Miss Carden. What a pleasure to see you. I'm sure you have a wonderful story to tell us about you and Mr. Black."

"How did you know, sir?" I asked surprised.

Dumbledore smiled. "There aren't many things that escape my notice at Hogwarts, dear child."

I had a distinct feeling my face was turning brightly red. I noticed Sirius's face was having the same problem. James sniggered.

Dumbledore continued, "For example, the fact that you seemed to distance yourself from certain views that have been particularly persistent the past years. Although I must confess, I am not entirely sure what made you accept Mr. Rosier's proposal." He leaned back in his chair and gave me an expectant look.

"It was safer," I said, "for me and Sirius."

"But since you are here now, in Mr. Black's house, I take it that you have chosen to... set other priorities?"

"I have," I smiled. I didn't know why that made me so happy, I was, after all, putting my life on the line.

"Do you know why we are here today?" Dumbledore asked.

"I have no idea," I admitted, looking at the odd assembly of people.

"A few years ago, when the shadow of Voldemort loomed darker and darker, Alastor and I decided to gather some people around us to help us thwart him. In time this became the Order of the Phoenix. The people that are here today are some of its members."

"You're not Ministry-based, are you?" I asked.

"No, we are independent," Dumbledore answered.

"We join forces with the Aurors from time to time, though," Remus said.

"But since we can't be completely sure there aren't any spies for You-Know-Who among them, we rather work alone," Emmeline said.

I was quiet for a while. I looked at Dumbledore and Morton. I felt Sirius's warmth next to me, his arm languorously around my shoulder. He had seized the first opportunity to fight for what was right. Slowly I turned my head and looked at Remus. Whereas Sirius looked more mature, Remus looked older. There were lines in his face and his eyes were sad. I knew what was right too.

"I want in," I growled. "It has got to end."

A small smile appeared on Dumbledore's face. "You do not disappoint me, Miss Carden."

Sirius gave my shoulder a soft squeeze. Dumbledore's face turned serious again. "Do you realize that you may come face to face with your own brother?"

_Rowan!_

"I do," I said slowly and swallowed. "He's made his choice. I have to make my own."

Dumbledore nodded. "Then it is my pleasure to welcome you into the Order."

* * *

**Author's note: **A little lighter than the previous chapters, I hope you liked it . Let me know. 


	20. Happy Endings vs Reality

**Wendela400: **Thanks! Here's the next chapter.

**DollFace080: **I'm glad you like it :)

**MsPadfootVerona: **Yeah, can you imagine that happening to yourself… By the way, I can totally relate. I'm a movie-sobber myself. Okay, that's a really weird translation of a word my friends invented, but you get the idea, right?

Aha, I see what you mean, about Tom Cruise. But actually, when you said – wrote – it, I imagined him with long hair, and he wouldn't be such a bad Sirius, although he doesn't match my imaginative Sirius. I have the same thing. Hagrid, McGonagall, Snape, Mr. & Mrs. Weasley; their actors have replaced my mental images – and Harry, Ron and Hermione are somewhat of a mix – but the other characters have not. Lupin was way different from what I'd imagined. And they _definitely _should have explained the Marauders better!

**Darklady5289: **Thank you! It was a lot of fun to write :D

**Messr-Paddifoots-love: **I wouldn't dare stop writing LOL. I'm nowhere near finished, so no worries yet ;) Thanks and I hope you like the next chapter.

**Hpandfriendsruletheworld: **Glad you liked it :D She's in the Order, yes. Here's the update, I hope you enjoy it!

**Lacatamar: **Thanks! No, the names are from the Order of the Phoenix, when Moody shows Harry that old picture. Professor Morton is mine, though. Here's the next chapter.

**PotentialTempest: **ah, well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, right?

* * *

**Happy endings vs. Reality**

The people present in the room immediately started talking.

"Hold on," Frank Longbottom began, after listening to the talk for a while. He raised his voice above the murmur of the others. "Sirius, are you saying that you and Carden have had a relationship for the past _year_?"

"Basically, yes," Sirius replied dryly.

"And no one knew?" Frank continued, a little bewildered.

"We knew," Remus said.

"Lana knew," I added.

Frank tilted his head to one side. "And Lana kept her mouth shut?" he asked incredulously.

I gave him a wry smile. "You're mistaking her for Narcissa. She's the blabbermouth." Raising an eyebrow, I added, "And she held true to her reputation."

"Sorry," Frank mumbled.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Let's begin, shall we?" Dumbledore chaired the meeting, explaining the activities of the Order to me in the process. Several members worked in the Ministry and passed information on to the Order to keep it fully up to date. It's most important task, however, was trying to protect people from Death Eater attacks. Members guarded the houses of those who were marked for death and tried to prevent attacks in the first place, which was a difficult matter I realised, as I looked at the grave faces around me.

Frustrated, Benjy spat out that they could not get any inside information from Voldemort's circles. His most important Death Eaters rather fought themselves to death than risk being caught. They had their suspicions as to who were Death Eaters, but the only way to know for sure was to catch one. And that proved to be immensely difficult.

After the meeting a few members lingered to talk. Remus walked to the window and stared outside. I hesitated at first, but got up and joined him. We looked upon the busy street in silence for a while.

"Remus…" My voice could barely be heard over the noise in the room. I looked up at him. "I'm so sorry."

Remus gave me a strained smile. It was painful to watch. "Thank you," he said softly.

"Was she -- was Zarah in the Order too?"

"Yes. I brought her in," Remus answered. There was a tense note to his hoarse voice. "After the graduation ball we started dating. When Dumbledore invited me into the Order, I took her with me. She was a Muggleborn, you know. Four weeks later she was dead."

It hit me when I watched the pain and sadness in his eyes. Guilt. Remus felt guilty about Zarah's death.

"You're not the one that should feel guilty," I said.

Remus shot me a sharp look. "Nor should you," he retorted.

I looked out of the window again. "I think…" I began, "I think my brother and Evan may have been…"

"Stop it," Remus snapped. "You are not responsible for their actions."

"And you are not responsible for Zarah's choices," I snapped back.

Remus stared at me with narrowed eyes, jaw clenched, looking as if he were ready to start a row, but then he blinked and looked out of the window. We were quiet again.

"I have been wondering why I didn't realise what was going on," he said and glanced at me. "There was something about you at the ball that seemed… off. Though, later on you seemed perfectly fine again. I don't know what you said to Sirius that day, but you got to him. I had never seen him like that."

"I said horrible things," I mumbled.

"I could not get through to him that maybe he should talk to you. He was so furious it sent him right into one of his tantrums." Remus raised an eyebrow at me. "When he's like that, you could very well be talking to a tree. I suppose James and Peter's reaction didn't help either. You confirmed all their suspicions."

"I know," I said. "That was my intention. It worked flawlessly."

Remus made an agreeing sound.

"Sirius told me it was you that convinced him," I said.

"Looking back on what happened, it made sense what Lana said. We agreed to let her cover for you a few days."

"I wonder if my mother will buy it," I muttered doubtfully.

"Well, it doesn't matter anymore, does it?" Remus shrugged.

I smiled. "No, it doesn't."

My stomach began to growl loudly in protest. It was almost two o'clock and I hadn't eaten anything since dinner last night.

Remus chuckled and said, "Come on. Let's get a sandwich; I'm starving too. Although I wouldn't expect much from it if Sirius made them himself. The man is a complete disaster in the kitchen."

"I heard that," Sirius growled threateningly from the sofa.

We seated ourselves next to him again. I listened to the conversations, while eating my sandwich. I figured Sirius hadn't made them himself, because they were really good.

Gideon burst out laughing at something Marlene said. "You sound like my sister. She's having her hands full with her kids as well."

"How are the twins, Gideon?" Emmeline asked.

"Oh, they're fine. Can't tell 'm apart yet, but it took my mother years to keep Fabian and I apart as well and she still makes mistakes every now and then."

"I hope for Molly's sake that they don't turn out like you and Fabian," Marlene laughed.

Gideon and Fabian gave her an identical grin. "Well," Fabian said, "they were born on April Fool's day, so what do you think?"

Marlene groaned dramatically. "Poor Arthur and Molly," she sighed.

The members still present were engaged in little conversations, filling the room with a pleasant murmur. Remus exchanged a look with Dumbledore and he turned a little to me. "Niamh, there's something you should know about me."

"What?" I said absently, still laughing about Gideon and Fabian.

"He has a furry little problem," Sirius tuned in, having intercepted the meaningful look between Remus and Dumbledore.

At this truly incomprehensible comment I turned my full attention to Remus and Sirius. "He has a _what_?"

"Thank you, Sirius," Remus sighed exasperatedly, looking at my befuddled face. "Very helpful, as usual."

"A furry little problem?" I repeated. "Listen, Remus, I like you, but the amount of chest hair you possess is your own business, methinks."

Ignoring Sirius's bark of laughter, Remus said, "It's about a little more than chest hair – no, no, I didn't mean it like that," he added quickly when he saw the expression on my face. By now Sirius, James and Peter were all roaring with laughter.

Glaring at them, Remus muttered, "Immature twits. Fine. Niamh, I am a werewolf."

That statement refused to sink in. "What do you mean, a werewolf?" I asked confused.

Sirius snorted. " 'What do you mean, a werewolf?' Honestly, woman, sometimes you make me wonder -- "

"Oh, sod off, you," I cut him off. "It's not like it's a common thing. Hi, I'm Remus; I'm a werewolf. Oh, hello. I'm Niamh; I have curls."

Sirius snorted with laughter, but I really didn't find it funny.

"So…" I asked tentatively, "how long have you been a werewolf?" I desperately tried to appear calm, although Remus's words had almost shocked me out of my wits. A werewolf, my God.

"Ever since I was a little boy."

"Do you know who -- who bit you?"

Remus sighed. "I found out only recently. It was Fenrir Greyback."

I gasped. "Greyback! Oh my God, you're lucky to be alive." I had grasped his arm in alarm and this contact made me realise it was still Remus I was talking to. Not a dangerous, flesh-tearing, murderous werewolf. I squeezed his arm, as if to convince myself he was real.

Remus awaited my reaction tensely. I looked at his friends. "Did they know…?"

"Yes."

"At school?"

"Yes."

"And Dumbledore?"

"Yes."

"So… er…" I began, swallowing a large lump of fear, "a furry little problem, you said?"

"I did _not_ come up with that name," Remus asssured me. The tips of his ears grew red with embarassment. It was something to typically Remus that I couldn't help but smile.

"No need to ask who did," I mumbled, throwing a disapproving look at James, Peter and Sirius, who grinned back cheekily.

"Yes," Remus sighed, "every other werewolf is feared, but I'm only made fun of. Not intimidated at all, they are."

"Why, Remus, I didn't know you liked that," I grinned slyly. "I never took you for the dominating male type. Learn something new every day. I promise I will treat you with the utmost respect and fright."

"I'll hold you to that," he grinned back, unable to hide the relief in his amber eyes.

"Oi, Moony," Sirius said angrily, "stop flirting with my girlfriend."

"Actually, I was flirting with him," I protested, teasing him, "not the other way around."

"Yeah, well, you're Slytherin. Sneaks, the lot of them. I can't hold it against you," Sirius shrugged. "But I expect better from you, mate," he told Remus sternly.

"Seriously," Lily groaned, rolling her eyes heavenwards.

Sirius shot away from me, yelling, "OUCH!" He spun around and narrowed his eyes suspiciously at my serene facial expression. "You pinched me!"

"I didn't do anything," I told him innocently.

Sirius glared mutinously at me. "I know you did it," he muttered.

"You said I was a sneak," I muttered back.

"You are," Sirius replied, "but I love you anyway."

I snorted. "And now I'm supposed to be swooning at your feet?"

"Well, if you don't mind…" Sirius grinned.

"Argh, shut up," I grumbled, but the corners of my mouth curled up in a smile. Chuckling, he kissed me.

"Get a room!" James, Peter and Remus immediately roared.

"Children," Lily sighed.

The room was filled with talk again soon after. I wondered why Dumbledore stayed. Before the meeting he had said that he was very busy preparing for the new academic year. It was explained when Dumbledore rose from his seat and invited me to join him. He walked over to the window where I had been standing with Remus. He asked for a more elaborate account of what had happened the last two months, so I told him in detail.

Dumbledore was mostly silent, although he inquired about some details that I thought wouldn't interest him.

After I had finished my story, he looked at me, almost appraisingly, and said, "It must have been very difficult for you, to keep your genuine thoughts and feelings so deeply hidden."

I stared outside. My eyes fell on a couple. They were laughing and kissing each other openly. "It was the thought of Sirius and what I did to him that made it so difficult, but hiding my thoughts and feelings is something I learned a long time ago." The couple intertwined their hands and walked around a corner.

Again Dumbledore gave me that appraising look. It felt like I was being scrutinized. Images were swimming vaguely at the back of my head. He raised his eyebrows in what seemed like surprise. "Are you familiar with Occlumency?"

I frowned. "I've heard of it."

"It's the ability to hide one's memories from an invading wizard, a Legilimens. You seem to have developed somewhat of a barrier already."

I didn't know what to say to that. Dumbledore looked at me over his glasses and said slowly, "I imagine you could become a highly accomplished Occlumens with the proper training."

"Thank you?" I said hesitantly, not sure whether it was a compliment.

"And you would certainly have the right people around you to help you in."

"I would?" I was at a loss now.

Dumbledore noticed it and smiled. "Forgive me, Miss Carden. I am getting ahead of things. Do you remember what Benjy said during the meeting?"

"About not being able to get information from the Death Eaters?"

"Yes. He is quite right. They are constantly one step ahead of us. We can only guess who will be the next victim and protect the survivors when our guess is wrong." Dumbledore spoke with a troubled voice, revealing it was a great worry to him. "I am, of course, with many others, trying to find a way to defeat Voldemort, but in the mean time witches, wizards, and Muggles are murdered one by one.

"Though we suspect Voldemort has many spies within the wizarding community, we have not been able to place anyone of us in his ranks," Dumbledore continued. "He and his followers are very suspicious."

With a sinking feeling to my stomach I was beginning to understand what he was aiming at.

"Our members are all openly against Voldemort and the Ministry hasn't been able to infiltrate either." Dumbledore took off his glasses. "Your coming here, Miss Carden, may just be what we have been hoping for."

"You want me to spy for the Order," I concluded, feeling my insides lurch.

"Yes."

I was so baffled by this unexpected turn of events that I did not even stop to consider the consequences. I chewed my lip. "My brother and Evan are Death Eaters, I'm sure of it."

"Your brother we are not sure of," Dumbledore said, "but Evan Rosier… We may have no proof, but we also have no doubt."

"They're not very open about it," I pondered, "not even to me. Just a few remarks here and there. That won't be of much use -- " My head shot up and I stared in shock at Dumbledore. "Unless you want me to join them," I breathed.

"That's what I'm asking of you."

It took me a few moments to regain composure, but finally I was able to close my mouth again. "A Death Eater," I said, my voice unnaturally high.

"I realise it is a highly dangerous thing I ask of you, but with the talent I believe you have for Occlumency, you're able to do it."

I honestly didn't know what to say. Dumbledore waited patiently for my answer. Finally, out of the swirling mess in my head emerged one thing I could not get rid of. "If I join the Death Eaters, I will have to see – and participate in – what they do to Muggles and Muggle-borns." I felt sick at the mere thought of it.

Dumbledore's face turned immensely grave. "Don't think I am not aware of that, Niamh. I know that I am placing a heavy burden on you, but with someone in Voldemort's ranks we will be able to save so many more lives than we are now."

It was an undeniable logic, but it clashed with everything I felt. The thought of going into that snake pit terrified me. I looked out of the window onto the street full of Muggles. They had no idea what was going on. What lurked in the shadows at night. Dumbledore had a point. Of all people, I would be most likely to be able to become one of _them_. And if it helped to protect more innocent wizards and witches… I could give warnings when an attack was about to happen or when someone was marked for death, identify Death Eaters so the Order would be able to keep them under surveillance and catch them, keep track of Voldemort's plans…

But it was so, so dangerous. Deceiving that kind of people, deceiving the Dark Lord himself... If I failed, if they saw through me... I had to suppress a sudden wave of panic.

I looked at Dumbledore, before I looked over my shoulder to where Sirius and his friends were talking. Peter, James and Lily. Remus. _Zarah_. She should have been there with them. An eighteen-year-old girl, in love, fighting for her right to live.

"Alright," I croaked without a further thought. "I'll do it."

"I am very grateful," Dumbledore said. He turned around and fixed his eyes on Professor Morton. "It means we have to discuss immediately how we are going to arrange your return to your family."

_My family. Evan -- oh, fuck!_

I realised that by going back to my family, I would have to go back to Evan. In order to get into the Death Eater's ranks, I would have to remain close to my family. And breaking off engagements was not the way to keep my family close.

_Sirius will kill me_, I thought when I turned my back on the window. Sirius frowned slightly when he looked at my pale face. _He is definitely going to kill me…_

* * *

"YOU WHAT!" Sirius roared. 

Glancing at the other people present in the room, I grabbed his shirt and pulled him out of his living room and into the kitchen. "I am going to spy for the Order," I repeated myself.

"The hell you are," he shouted.

"Stop yelling at me," I demanded angrily. "I want to do this."

Sirius made a derisive sound. "No you don't. You just want to prove yourself."

"And what if I do?" I snapped and put my hands on my hips. "At least I'm not hiding anymore, like you pointed out."

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "That's low, Carden."

It was. I regretted saying it, but I was too pissed off to take it back.

"Look," Sirius sighed, "you can't be serious about this. You can't be a Death Eater. You don't have what it takes to pull it off."

"Excuse me?" I huffed.

"Are you a raving, mass-murdering lunatic?" Sirius asked sarcastically.

"It won't be that bad," I lied. Sirius threw me a look of pure disbelief. "Okay, yes, it will be that bad," I gave in, "but with Occlumency I can do it."

"Occlumency? Where the hell did you learn Occlumency?" Sirius said with raising voice.

"I didn't," I snapped, "but Dumbledore says I have a knack for it, so I'll be able to learn quickly."

Sirius was silent for a moment. Then he shook his head. "Occlumency or not, you'll still have to join them when they get orders from Voldemort to convince them."

There had been an ice-cold spot in my stomach ever since I first thought of that.

"Merlin, this is crazy," Sirius grumbled and raised his voice again. "Dumbledore can't ask that of you!"

"But he did," I said urgently, "and with someone among the Death Eaters, you'll be able to protect more people. I can tell you about attacks, so you can stop them."

"Niamh, listen to me. I know you joined the Order to help fight Voldemort," Sirius tried to reason with me. "I know you want to be a part of this, but there are other things that you can do to help."

"Yes," I agreed. "There are other things I could do, but no one else can do what Dumbledore asked _me_. It has to be me and I want to do it."

It was clearly the wrong thing to say, because Sirius's temper began to rise again and an incoherent stream of indignant sounds left his mouth. He clenched his jaw and finally managed to say with gritting teeth, "Are you mad? Goddamn it, if they find out, they'll do a whole lot worse to you than you've already been threatened with." He made a helpless gesture with his arm. "Why would you want to risk it now if you didn't want to before?"

"Because it's the right thing to do," I said softly. "You were right. I was hiding. But now, you and the Order, Remus -- I have to do something. I'm perfect for this job. And the Occlumency will protect me."

Sirius's features softened slightly. "I don't like you putting yourself in danger like that," he admitted grudgingly.

I smiled and put a hand against his face. "So now you understand why I pushed you away? It was the only way I could keep _you_ from danger."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Very smooth," he chuckled and slid his arms around my waist, "but I suppose you're right."

I felt relieved. This had not gone too bad. Nobody was hexed, no furniture was broken, and nothing had been blown up. I hadn't told him the worst part yet, though. Then I felt Sirius stiffen. He put his hands on my waist and roughly created some distance between us. By the darkening look on his face I understood I didn't have to tell him. He had realised it himself.

"And just how exactly are you going to get inside their ranks?" he inquired in a dangerously low voice.

I swallowed. "I would have to go back to my family," I answered.

He took a step away from me, eyes filled with suspicion. "Right," he said with tight lips. He was readying himself for another outburst. "But they won't have you back if they know about me." He already knew what I was going to say.

"I need them for this. Especially my brother. And Evan." I eyed Sirius warily. He was worked up to the point of exploding. Quickly I blurted out, "I will have to stay engaged to Evan."

It was like a bomb was set off. "ENGAGED TO ROSIER!" Sirius raged. "I JUST TOLD YOU I LOVE YOU AND YOU WANT TO BE ENGAGED TO ROSIER?"

"I don't want to be engaged to him," I shouted, "but I'll have to. If I break this engagement, my parents will never forgive me! And as his fiancée, I'll have even more opportunities to get inside. Look at Bellatrix and Rodolphus."

"His fiancée," Sirius spat out, breathing heavily and with difficulty. "Rosier's fiancée. You want to be -- unbelievable." He stared down at me like a vengeful war god of old times. "And what are you prepared to do to convince him you want to be his _wife_?" He spat out the last word.

Horrified, I gaped at him. I hadn't thought about that. I closed my eyes to clear the confusing fog in my head. I couldn't abandon this whole plan, because of Evan. There had to be ways around it. Sirius had watched my face and groaned when he saw the determination appear on it. Swearing violently, he walked away from me.

"Sirius, wait," I said.

He spun around to face me. "I can't –You just – but I can't – I can't do this…" He took a deep breath.

"Don't do this," I whispered.

"Go back to him – do what you have to do…" A pained expression appeared on his face. "But don't expect me to – I can't watch this." He turned around and stomped off. The front door closed with a bang.

* * *

Don't hate me.. 


	21. Deceit

**Author's Note: **Sorry it took me so long to update, but with the start of the new semester and all...pfff, I'm glad the weekend has started... And finally an update!

**DollFace080: **Thank you. Here's what happens next.

**hpandfriendsruletheworld: **Good to know you don't hate me...yet LOL. Was that a threat? ;) I hope you like the next chapter.

**darklady5289**: Thanks!Not yet :D

**Messr-Paddifoots-love: **Sorry :D. Read and find out..

**MsPadfootVerona**: Gollum Mode! I almost dropped from my chair laughing when I read that. Seriously (no pun intended), who wouldn't be obsessed with Sirius! I would love to read more about the Marauders too. I sometimes wonder whether I really am a Harry Potter fan or just a Marauder fan LOL. Prisoner of Azkaban is definitely my favourite. Voldemort and Pettigrew...evil little bastards (growls menacingly)

Patrick Swayze, you mean! Yeah, I can see that...not the looks, but the attitude. Oh, wait, I just spotted your email ( talks to self: oh, wow, already? My, my, you're fast...) Sorry about that. I'll send you a mail about X x-ing X on the X tower and what I think about it. All spoilers avoided, I think ;)

**Wendela400: **Thanks. I hope you like the next chapter.

**Dies Irae: **Thanks! It's wonderful to hear from a new reviewer. Thanks for the advice. I'm revising all my older chapters. I can't believe I made such a huge mistake with the quotation marks. I ran to my room and checked several books and I felt really, really stupid then LOL.

It's one of my favourite lines too, although I wasn't aware of the irony when I first wrote it. Later, when I reread the chapter and I came across that sentence, I went like "ouch!"

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the next chapter.

**SexeiAlexeiGurl: **Yay! Another new reviewer. Glad you liked it :) Thanks and here's the next chapter.

* * *

**Deceit**

I sank onto one of the kitchen chairs and clasped my hands in front of my mouth. My vision was getting blurry.

A few minutes later Dumbledore entered the kitchen. "He did not take it well?"

I shook my head. Dumbledore took a seat opposite of me. Kindly he said, "Sirius has always been the type to act first and think later. He'll come around."

I shook my head again and lowered my hands. "I don't think he will." I blinked rapidly.

Sirius hated his family and the likes of them with a passion. And now I would willingly go back to a family just like his. Not only that, I would also be in a relationship – albeit a fake one – with the type of man he hated most: a Death Eater. He would not come around.

"Do you want to go through with this?" Dumbledore's voice shook me from my musings.

I stared at my hands. "Yes," I said and meant it. It wasn't just about me and Sirius anymore. Though the bottom had dropped out of my stomach because of Sirius's reaction -- which I couldn't blame him for -- I didn't want to back out now. I was not just in the Order because Sirius had brought me in; I was in the Order to fight Voldemort.

"Let's return to the others. We have a lot to discuss," Dumbledore said gently. "And I wouldn't worry too much if I were you."

I threw a disbelieving look at Dumbledore's back when I followed him to the living room. Only Professor Morton, Alastor Moody, Fabian – or Gideon, I couldn't tell – and Remus were present. Dumbledore noticed my surprise and said, "I've sent Sirius's friends after him. We need Remus to fill in some details. The others had to return to their duties."

We sat ourselves around the table and began to discuss our plan. After an hour we had it figured out. We would tell my parents I didn't want to marry yet, like I had done with Lucius. Staying engaged to Evan was one thing, but going through with the wedding was not an option. I refused to marry Evan. I simply couldn't; although it greatly complicated the plan. We agreed Professor Morton would work on my parents – my mother in particular – and I would deal with Evan.

Remus told us he and Lana had agreed that she would send a note in my handwriting to my parents telling them I would stay with her for a few days to do the necessary friend-activities before my wedding, which meant we had about two days before my mother would get suspicious.

I spent those two days with both Dumbledore and Morton at Fabian's house learning the basics of Occlumency. It wasn't too difficult. I had no trouble imagining the walls I needed to shelter my memories. Dumbledore urged me to practise as much as I could, for I would need a massive shield against the Dark Lord. I would have to learn how to mislead a Legilimens by feeding them particular memories later, when I had found my own place to live. Moving out of my parents' house was essential to the plan in order to be able to stay in contact with the Order.

Three days after I had left my house to go shopping with Lana, Professor Morton came to Fabian's to escort me to the manor. I had not spoken or seen Sirius. His absence felt like a gaping hole in my chest. Fabian had asked me if I wanted to go and see him.

"No," I had said, "there's nothing to talk about." _Not anymore, _I thought, remembering Sirius saying we had plenty of time to talk later. That was not even two nights ago.

_And I will lose my nerve if I see him._

* * *

Professor Morton and I Apparated to our manor. My mother was highly surprised when she saw us. "Corbin," she exclaimed. "What a pleasure to see you." 

Professor Morton was ever so polite and charming while my mother led him to the drawing room, where tea was already prepared.

When we were seated, my mother said, "I was getting a little worried about you, Niamh." The slight tension around her mouth was barely visible. "So was Evan."

"Is he here?" I asked. The pounding of my heart grew louder.

"Yes. He's in the study with Rowan."

"Why don't you go and talk to him?" Professor Morton said to me. My mother looked curiously at him, but said nothing.

"Yes, I will," I said and left the room. I strained my ears to hear the conversation in the room, but after, "Niamh has been staying with me for…" I could hear no more.

I slowly walked up the stairs, tracing an ice-cold finger over the mahogany wood of the banister – impeccably polished, as usual – while using the techniques I had just learned to calm myself down. By the time I knocked on the door of the study I was prepared.

My brother called, "Come in."

I stepped inside and smiled at the two men. They both jumped up from the comfortable fauteuils in front of the fireplace. "Niamh!" Rowan said surprised. "What are you doing here? I thought you were rampaging around London with Lana."

Evan walked up to me and kissed me. "Did you have a good time?" he asked.

There wasn't quite a suitable answer to that, so I asked Rowan if I could talk to Evan in private.

"Sure, I'll wait outside," he said, a little befuddled, "but I have to tell you something later." He grinned widely and left the study.

"Is something wrong ?" Evan asked.

I cleared my throat. "I've been doing some thinking," I announced. "I'm only eighteen and I've seen almost nothing of the world. And now I'm supposed to marry, ensuring – by the looks of most marriages around me – that I will never see more of it."

"What do you mean?" Evan frowned, clearly not liking where this was going.

"I want to find out what it's like to have my own life. Before I marry. I know it's uncommon, but I want a place of my own, and a job. I love books, so I want to have some experience with that."

Evan raised his eyebrows. "Where is this coming from?" he demanded. I couldn't help but notice the difference between him and Sirius. Evan was calm and hid his thoughts behind the gentlemanly exterior that had been grained into him since before he could walk. Sirius cared nothing for such behaviour and showed whatever he was thinking of feeling without second thought.

I blinked and concentrated on what I was doing, ignoring the stab of pain. "It was always there," I answered truthfully.

"Is this why you broke up with Lucius?" Evan asked sharply.

"Yes. But I do want to marry you. Just not yet. I need some time." I touched his arm and looked up to him with pleading eyes, praying silently that he would take the bait. I needed this engagement to soothe my parents. I needed my parents to keep up the appearance of the loyal pure-blood daughter.

Evan shook his head in bemusement. "Well, I suppose I should've expected this. The reason I was interested in you in the first place was because you stood out from the rest." He smiled indulgently. "How much time do you need?"

"A year… or two," I added quickly.

"Two?" he said with widening eyes, but there was amusement behind it. "You ask a lot."

"I know," I said and gave him a guilty smile.

The corners of his mouth twitched. "And you will come back to me after you've tested your wings?"

"Yes, I will," I confirmed and raised an eyebrow, "but in the mean time I'm keeping the ring. It's pretty."

Evan laughed. "So you're still my fiancée?"

_Here we go._ "Yes."

"Good," Evan said, "otherwise my mother and sister would have a seizure."

"Ah, and we wouldn't want that, would we?" I grinned.

This was going surprisingly well. I decided to try the next part of the plan. "But," I began ominously.

"But… what?" Evan repeated me.

"There's one more thing."

Evan raised an eyebrow. "You're a demanding little thing, aren't you?"

"You have no idea," I grinned.

"What is it?"

"I don't want a marriage like my parents – no, I don't want a marriage like my mother has. I don't want to stay in my house all my life and have tea parties as the highlight of my life." There was no need to fake my disgust; it was genuine. I knew I was playing a risky game here, because I didn't know too much about Evan's character and what he thought his wife should be like, but his reaction to my earlier request had been a good sign.

"What _do_ you want then?"

"There is something very important happening in our world and I want a part in it. I don't want to be left out. A massive change is going on. I want a marriage like Bellatrix and Rodolphus have. They are both involved, equally."

"Well," Evan said slowly. "I had no idea you were this interested."

I put my hands behind my back to hide their trembling. "I am. I'm sorry, but if you can't live with a wife like that, then maybe I _should_ give you your ring back."

_Thin line, very thin line_, a little voice squeaked nervously in my head.

Evan was silent. A dreading feeling began to grow in me. I had pushed him too far.

He sighed. "I want you to keep the ring," he said after a long silence. "So you want to become a follower of the Dark Lord?"

"I do," I said.

He smiled. "The Cardens are definitely a loyal family. You'll be the second."

"Rowan," I concluded. _So it's true._

"Yes. If I may ask, how did you know about me?" he asked, narrowing his eyes slightly.

I raised a haughty eyebrow. "Are you telling me that you would sit back and do nothing while our world is finally being cleared from Mudbloods?" I clicked my tongue in a disapproving manner. "I would be very disappointed in you, Evan."

Evan's hazel eyes glittered with something dark. It was a side of him I had never seen before and it frightened me. I almost stepped back in fear, but I caught myself in time.

"You don't have to be disappointed in me," he said, with a slight note to his voice that I recognized as cruelty.

I felt my hair stand on edge, but I kept my face cool. "I didn't think so," I answered in a satisfied manner.

"So, you want it all," he drawled silkily. "Career, husband, influence."

"Yes," I replied hungrily. "I am very greedy." I stepped closer to him, sliding my arms around his neck.

Evan's mouth curled up in a small smirk that unnerved me. I knew then that I was on my way in, but instead of feeling pleased with my success, I was only scared. Nevertheless, I answered his kiss, sealing the deal.

* * *

Rowan entered the study again, while I was still recovering from the shock of seeing the darker and more dangerous parts of Evan's personality and chiding myself for my naivety. Pushing my fears away I answered my brother's question and told him about our postponed wedding. 

Rowan's eyes widened and he opened his mouth to protest, but instead he sighed and said, "Well, you always were stubborn as a mule. Mother is going to kill you, though."

I made a face at which he chuckled. "Luckily for you she'll have another wedding to focus on. So maybe you'll escape with all your limbs intact."

I blinked in confusion. Evan laughed when he saw my puzzled expression. Rowan's grin widened. "I've asked Alexia to marry me."

Had it been physically possible, I was sure my jaw would've dropped to my knees. "Alexia? Alexia _Malfoy_? Lucius's cousin?"

"Yes," Rowan smiled.

"But – Are you – I didn't know you – How long – Why didn't you tell me?"

"We've been dating since February," Rowan enlightened me. "You were busy with graduating and the wedding."

"So you're going to marry her?" I asked.

"Yes, in November," Rowan answered. He was obviously very happy.

Suddenly an incredible wave of anger and resentment surged through me and I had to restrain myself with all my might not to let it show. The injustice nearly made me choke. Here I was, forced into a marriage with someone I didn't love – someone I didn't even know – and my brother was allowed to find his own bride, one he was in love with.

"Congratulations," I said. My voice sounded like I was being strangled.

Look," Rowan said apologetically. "I know it's sudden, but you know how Mother gets. Once she caught wind of Alexia and I dating, she immediately started tying us to the Malfoys. It all went so fast, I practically _had_ to propose to her."

My rage subsided a little. So Mother was at it again. But still, he was in love with Alexia. The stupid grin he seemed to wear permanently on his face was no small indication. With difficulty I conjured a smile on my face.

"Ah, Niamh, come on," Rowan pleaded, unaware of my real thoughts. "I said I was sorry for not telling you, but Alexia and I just wanted to take it slowly." He wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Forgive me, little sister? You're my favourite midget, after all."

Angrily I pushed him away. "I told you not to call me that!" I had always hated the childhood name he had given me. _So what if he is 6'2 and I don't make it past 5'3? I consider myself a perfectly average height. It's not my fault I have an abnormally large brother. Bastard! Stupid, stupid, stupid bastard!_

Feeling unreasonably hurt, I stormed out of the study. I leaned over the balustrade, trying to calm down. What was it that had upset me so much? I let out a quivering breath. I realised it was Rowan himself, and the way he had just reminded me of my childhood. Whatever he had done, and was still doing, he was my big brother, who I had loved for the past eighteen years. To be confronted with that hurt more than I expected.

My answer to Dumbledore came to mind. "He's made his choice and I have to make my own," I whispered into the air. Clearing my head I turned around and entered the study again. "Sorry," I said sheepishly. "I'm happy for you, Rowan."

Rowan smiled relieved. "Well, let's break your news to Mother."

"She already knows," I informed him. "I came here with Professor Morton. He's downstairs with her."

"Bringing out the heavy spells, eh?" Rowan chuckled. "I'm impressed."

Evan and I followed Rowan downstairs. Quietly I asked him, "Are you not mad at me?"

Evan looked down at me, his classical features completely calm. "No, I'm not. I can understand. I'm expected to marry someone with a decent ancestry. I picked you, because there seemed more to you than a fervent love for tea parties." The corners of his mouth twitched when he said that, I noticed with relief. "And I wouldn't be much of a gentleman if I made my wife-to-be unhappy from the moment she had my ring on her finger, now would I?"

This cool reasoning relaxed me. There was no love, no passion behind it. Evan needed a wife, because it was expected of him. A longer engagement period didn't trouble him. My spirits lifted a bit, because it meant I could keep this… relationship at bay for a while. I didn't know him, he didn't know me; I didn't have to pretend I was in love. Sure, he was attracted to me, but that was something I could deal with.

As we reached the bottom of the stairs I prepared myself for my mother's reaction. I hoped Morton had been able to convince her. If not, I would have to Disapparate from the manor immediately, being discovered as a traitor before I had even begun. My stomach was in knots when Evan knocked on the door.

"Enter," my mother called. She didn't sound upset, I noticed immediately. We entered the room. My mother lounged casually on the sofa, Professor Morton was sitting in an armchair, looking very relaxed.

_This is unexpected. Very, very unexpected._

Professor Morton noticed my furrowing brow and gave me a tiny reassuring smile. Evan and I seated ourselves. I prepared myself for a quick escape.

* * *

Twenty minutes later I walked Morton to the door, in complete awe of his powers of persuasion. My mother had sighed and complained about the difficulties of having such an obstinate daughter, ensured Evan that she would completely understand if he didn't want to marry such a modern witch – at which he told her politely that he was quite modern himself and understood my motives. 

How wrong he was.

Not once did my mother bring up or even hint at my sordid tryst with the blood traitor Black as the reason for postponing the wedding.

After taking his leave from my mother Morton asked me to walk him to the door. As soon as we were out of earshot I asked him, "How?"

Morton answered, "After I had convinced her that you did not want to break the engagement – which took a while, I have to say – and only wanted to live an independent life for a while, it wasn't that hard. She railed about Sirius, of course, but when I told her you had already informed me of that… er… mistake of yours…" he paused, "I believe I had her at a loss for words. I told her how sorry you were about that and that you realised it was an immensely stupid thing to do."

_Ah, the remorseful daughter. How very clever._

Morton put on his cloak. "Then it was only a matter of reminding her of her own youth and the less than smart urges she herself once acted upon."

The tiny, but unmistakeably smug smile that appeared on Morton's face made my eyes widen. I had only seen him as a teacher, but now I looked at him differently and I realised that Corbin Morton was a handsome man, with his longish, dark brown hair and even darker eyes in a pale, angular face. I resolutely refused to inquire after more details of my mother and Morton's youth. In fact, had she not looked a little flushed when Evan and I had entered the room?

_Yes, she had – Oh Merlin, ew – stop thinking, stop thinking like that! _

Shuddering slightly, I closed the door behind my former Head of House. An eyebrow rose almost by itself in a shrewd manner, when I understood the advantage I now had over my mother. I returned to the drawing room and draped myself over the chaise longue near the huge windows.

"Professor Morton is such a nice man," I purred, looking through my eyelashes at my mother. "How long have you known him, mother?"

I had to give her credit. She didn't even blink, but her eyes fixed themselves cautiously on my face. I gave her a languid smile, which she didn't return. Casually she said, "He, your father, and I went to Hogwarts together."

"Oh," I said innocently, "so you are childhood… _friends_?"

She gazed intently at me and I stared back. She knew that I knew and we both knew that she would not mention Sirius to my father.

Slowly she detached her gaze from me and looked at Rowan. "Have you told your sister about your engagement? I'm very excited."

I made myself comfortable on the couch. Part one of the plan was successful.

* * *

What do you think? 


	22. Interlude: Christmas at 12, Grimmauld Pl

**Messr-Paddifoots-love:** Glad to hear it. Yeah, about Sirius...did someone say stubborn? Now, this time I updated fast, didn't I?

**wendela400:** Thanks! Here's the update.

**darklady5289:** Wow, such a wonderful review. Make my day ;) I did my best, so I hope this wasn't too bloody long LOL.

**PotentialTempest:** short and to the point. Thanks a lot!

**hpandfriendsruletheworld:** Yay! I'm flattered. I hope you like the chapter, although it is - again - a bit Sirius-less. But you know what they say...absence makes the heart grow fonder ;)

**Kurama-forever:** I'm very glad you liked it. Thanks for reviewing and here's the update.

**DollFace080:** Sorry. Blame my teachers ;) I know I do LOL. "Creature from the Black Lagoon" omg that was so funny. And very accurate :D

**SexeiAlexeiGurl: **I'm afraid you'll have to bear with me a bit longer. Sirius will pop up again eventually. He's just doing his angry-boyfriend-thing... I'm a third-year. Is that junior? Here it's just 'derdejaars': a third-year. If your teachers have half the sadism that mine have, you'll be swamped sometime soon, I guess. Teachers are evil!

* * *

**Interlude: Christmas at 12, Grimmauld Place**

"What?" Molly exclaimed. "Are you lot still in here? Get downstairs, Tonks will be here any moment!"

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Carden, and Lupin were sitting in the recently cleaned drawing room. At the sight of Molly, they all jumped up as they had been enthralled by Carden's story.

"Sorry, Molly," Carden smiled. "We'll be right there." She looked at the young wizards. "I'll tell the rest later."

"Hurry, hurry," Molly said and shooed them all out of the room. Lupin and Carden lingered a bit and walked downstairs last.

"How do you think Harry is taking it?" Remus asked. He had walked in on them only five minutes after Niamh had begun her story. Niamh shrugged. "I'm not sure. I've told him everything." She grinned. "With the exception of some of the finer details I don't think a godson needs to know about his godfather."

Remus snorted loudly and Niamh laughed.

It turned out Tonks was already in the kitchen, with Charlie fussing over her and Fred and George grinning madly at the sight. Tonks's hair was a deep crimson shade of red. George commented it was the colour of love and inquired when he would become an uncle. Charlie threw him a threatening glare at which he only chuckled.

"Sit, sit, everyone," Molly commanded. "It's time for dinner." The magic word had been said and George sat down and shut up immediately.

Niamh looked around the large table, occupied by all the Weasleys, Harry, Hermione, Fleur, Tonks, and Remus, and smiled. She caught Harry's gaze and sighed in relief when he smiled back. Remus noticed the exchange between the two and smiled too.

Loud chatting and laughter filled the kitchen, now not as gloomy as usual thanks to the numerous candles that had been lit all over the place. Niamh enjoyed the warm atmosphere in silence. Remus watched the faint smile on her face. Her face glowed in the soft light and the flames from the candles were reflected in her dark blue eyes. Though time had left some traces on her face, her appearance was a world away from the last time he had seen her.

It was a memory he would never lose. Haunted eyes, almost too large for her face, gaunt, jumpy, scars still flaming red. Remus blinked and took a sip of his wine. He was drawn into the conversation by Ginny and soon the image of the twenty-one-year-old Niamh was at the back of his head again.

_He should have been here_, Harry thought. He couldn't get rid of the feeling that his godfather should be here. _If only she had come back sooner -- then maybe he wouldn't have run off to the Ministry, maybe Bellatrix wouldn't have hit him… _

"Don't," Hermione said softly. In surprise, Harry looked at her. "I know what you're thinking," she continued. "I've been thinking the same thing, but it wouldn't have made a difference. He would have gone to the Ministry anyway."

"I know," Harry admitted, "but then at least he wouldn't have been alone in this house all year. He would have had his -- his -- her with him."

Hermione gave him a slightly incredulous look. "You think they would have just kissed and made up? I'm not sure it would have been that easy. I don't know what happened to them, but it separated them for fifteen years. There's obviously some reason."

"Yeah, well, maybe, but she's thinking the same thing as me," Harry said, looking at Carden. Hermione followed his gaze. Carden leaned her chin in her hand and looked across the room with a distant look in her eyes. The smile that had been present earlier had vanished.

Lupin leaned closer to her and said something. She jumped up and gave Lupin a rueful smile. Ginny whispered, "Do you think there's something going on between them?"

"Er… no, Ginny, I _really_ don't think so," Harry said. Ginny frowned at the strange note to his voice.

Ron looked past Harry to give his sister a weird look. "Bloody hell," he muttered. "I'm still getting over the fact that my Defence Against the Dark Arts professor is -- you know, and that she was friends with Malfoy's mother. I really don't want to think about possible 'going on's between her and an _ex_-professor." Ron shuddered. "But the Malfoy part is the worst, I have to say."

"I agree," Harry grinned. "That's scary."

Sniggering they went back to their dinner. The rest of the evening was spent in pleasant drowsiness. Fred and George sang some Christmas songs – loudly and off-key. Mr. Weasley and Lupin engaged in a game of wizard's chess, supported by Harry and Ron. Hermione and Ginny spent the evening chatting with Tonks, Charlie and Mrs. Weasley. Carden and Fleur were speaking in French to each other at an alarming speed.

Though it was very late when everyone had gone to bed, Niamh found herself staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep as she was being flooded with memories.

* * *

The next morning Mrs. Black started screeching and howling when someone rang the doorbell. Harry, Ron and Hermione were in the kitchen having breakfast with Ginny, Lupin and Mr. Weasley. Mrs. Weasley hurried off to get the door. 

Several minutes later the hallway had gone quiet again and Mundungus Fletcher sauntered into the kitchen. "Go' a repor' for Dumbledore," he said.

"Hi, Dung," Ron said. Mundungus waved absently, sniffing the air. "Wha's tha' you cookin', Molly? Smells good."

"Would you like some breakfast, Mundungus?" Molly said with tight lips, clearly disapproving of Mundungus's presence.

"Tha'd be grea'," Mundungus said. Molly placed a plate with porridge in front of him and he began shovelling the food in his mouth, only to choke violently on it when three people entered the kitchen.

Fred and George stared at Mundungus, at a loss. "We're not that scary, Dung," Fred said, slightly indignant. Carden, who had entered the kitchen with the twins, looked at Mundungus with amusement twinkling in her eyes. "Still pursuing the same career then, I see, Dung?" she said.

Mundungus took a deep breath, grabbed Ron's water goblet to take a swig and swallowed with difficulty. "Well, I'll be damned," he choked. "Sirius's little serpent."

Several more people choked on their food and Carden gave Lupin a regretful look when several questions were fired her way. "So much for keeping it down."

"What do you mean: Sirius's?"

"Are you related to him?"

"Well, yes, that too," Carden said.

"What else?" Fred demanded.

"She and Sirius were together. She's my godmother," Harry said, smiling.

* * *

Carden was cornered by four students, instead of three, that afternoon. 

"She wanted…" Harry stuttered at Carden's raised eyebrow. "I thought…"

Ginny eyed her professor hopefully.

"I don't mind," Carden smiled. "Shall we go into the parlour room again?"

They made themselves comfortable in various armchairs. Carden asked, "Did Harry tell you everything?"

"Yes," Ginny affirmed.

"Well," Carden began, "after Professor Morton left, that was it. I was back. Of course, the roof of the manor nearly blew up when my father came home, but in the mean time I had told my brother and fiancé _enthusiastically_ about my plans for a career in the publishing world, so that, by the time my father was to be informed, Rowan, and Evan tried to convince him not to lock me in the attic for the next twenty years."

Ron sniggered. "Maybe your father is related to my mother. She has the same habit."

Carden chuckled. "I believe they are actually. Distant cousin, I think."

"Speaking of family," Ginny said softly. "You knew my uncles? Gideon and Fabian?"

"Yes, I did."

"Mum hardly ever speaks of them," Ron mumbled.

"It was an immense blow to her," Carden said, "to all of us." In a lighter voice she continued, "Your brothers are uncannily like them. They always knew how to brighten things up." She grinned and shook her head. "I remember, one time they voted for deposing Dumbledore and dub the Order "the Order of the Redheads."

They burst out laughing. "That does sound like something George and Fred would do," Ginny laughed.

"Yes. Of course, Sirius and James went along with it immediately. They charmed their hair. Merlin, it turned the most ugly shade of red I have ever seen," Carden mused. "Lily would not let James get near her for a week."

Harry smiled at the stories about his parents and godfather. Carden snorted. "Even Sirius didn't manage to look good with hair like that."

"No one would look good with hair like that," Lupin added, entering the room. "Pity they had charmed half the Order into redheads before they found that out."

Imagining McGonagall with red hair, Harry roared with laughter.

"So what happened next?" Hermione asked eagerly.

Carden sighed. "Well, for the next couple of weeks I was completely occupied with finding a place to live. The name Carden came in handy and I found a spacious apartment close to Diagon Alley. I was quite pleased with it – a large living room, two bedrooms, lovely bathroom…" Her eyes twinkled. "The kitchen was quite intimidating, I have to say. Now, you must understand, I had not been in a kitchen very often in my life and I decided cooking was an adventure that could wait."

"Typical," Lupin said. "Sirius couldn't cook to save his life either. Completely spoilt."

Carden glowered at him and continued as if he hadn't interrupted, "I also found a job at Baldric & Barnaby's, a publisher in history books. I was genuinely thrilled about this – it was exactly the job I had always wanted – and didn't stop talking about it, until Rowan, Lana, and Remus, independently of each other, threatened to silence me permanently."

"Yes, I remember that. You were quite annoying," Lupin mused. "Must be difficult, giving up a habit like that. Still trying?"

"Please, Remus, be quiet or go and do something useful. I'm trying to tell a story here. So…" she said loudly, raising her voice over the sniggering in the room.

"Wait," Hermione intervened. "What did Lana think when you went back to Evan?"

"Lana? Oh, she raved for two weeks about me and Sirius not getting back together. Keeping one of Moody's favourite comments in mind: "the less you know, the less can be tortured out of you", I had told her that her plan hadn't worked out, because there were too many differences between Sirius and me and that we had decided to leave it at this."

"She believed that?" Hermione asked surprised.

"No," Carden said dryly. "She went straight to Sirius, but apparently he had told her the same. As did Remus here. So she had no choice but to believe it. Of course, being the person that she was, at the end of those two weeks she decided none of it could possibly be the fault of _her_ best friend, so she proclaimed Sirius the utter scoundrel of England and devoted all her attention to the decoration of my newly acquired apartment."

Harry let out a chuckle.

"Lana was many things," Carden said with a faint smile, that turned into an indulgent grin, "but above all things, she was practical and had a way of seeing a benefit in everything. Though she was deeply disappointed that she hadn't succeeded with her little intrigue, it did not stop her from commenting on the turn my life had taken. She was pleased with my gained independence and, with pragmatic reasoning, she told me to look on the bright side of it. At least my fiancé was a 'bloody sexy man' and I would not have to fear for my love life."

Hermione and Ginny squealed in amusement, whereas Ron and Harry looked slightly disturbed.

Raising a finely shaped eyebrow, Carden added, "I politely invited her to having an affair with my 'bloody sexy' fiancé. After several seconds of contemplating my offer she declined."

After the laughter had quieted down, Harry asked, "Wasn't there a lot of gossip about the postponed wedding?"

"Oh, there was," Carden answered, rolling her eyes, "but you underestimate my mother. Her social skills were unrivalled and she managed to turn the story in her favour. After all, I lived in a classy apartment, I had a respectable job and, most importantly, I was still engaged. Besides the wedding and the novelty of a witch living on her own, nothing really scandalous had happened."

"I don't understand," Ginny interjected. "Why was it such a problem that you wanted to live on your own? Everybody does it."

"I know, but this was twenty years earlier and it was not done amongst the oldest and most traditional families. You live at home, in the manor, until you marry. That was the way it had been for centuries. It caused quite a stir among the most traditional wizards, although the other families were not as bothered with it."

"I can't help but think," Hermione began slowly, "that you wouldn't have had to go through all this trouble if you had known earlier about your mother and professor Morton."

"Yes," Carden said. "I've thought that myself many times. If I had known earlier, I would've had something to counter her threats with. I would never have engaged myself to Evan. But, I would've run away with Sirius then and my father would have been after us anyway."

"And you wouldn't have been able to become a spy then," Hermione added thoughtfully.

"Indeed," Niamh agreed. "I would've been openly considered a blood traitor. Looking back on it, it was the perfect opportunity to place a spy. Dumbledore would've been a fool not to take it. All we had to do was ensure my mother would tell no one about Sirius."

"Do you really think there was something between Morton and your mother?" Ginny asked.

"I still don't know." With a shudder she said, "I've never asked. There are some things you just don't want to know about your mother and your Head of House. But I think that there had been something, but that it was over long before I found out."

"Brilliant," Ron interrupted, "but why _you_? You were only eighteen. Turning spy is very dangerous. Why would Dumbledore risk something like that? Why not Morton?"

"Morton was already a spy," Niamh answered. "He… er… was not entirely human."

"What was he then?" Ron asked curiously.

"A vampire."

There was a collective gasp. "But that made him incredibly dangerous to the students," Hermione exclaimed in horror.

"Not exactly," Carden said. "Someone who's been bitten by a vampire does not turn completely into a vampire himself unless he's drunk human blood. Morton was bitten only a few years earlier, when he was already Head of Slytherin and Dumbledore's swift actions prevented a lot of damage. Sunlight did not cause him pain and he could survive on non-human blood.

"He infiltrated the vampire community. Voldemort used them, but they were nowhere near as close as his Death Eaters. They needed someone else. And yes, Ron, I was only eighteen, but you have to understand that the wizarding world was in a full-fledged war situation and the Order and the Ministry were being overpowered by Voldemort."

Carden's face had turned grave now. "Dumbledore risked not only his own life; he had no choice but to ask others to risk theirs as well. And it was not as dangerous as it seemed. I knew perfectly well how to behave in those circles. I had the right family, the right attitude, and I was certainly well capable of defending myself. You don't spend eighteen years in a family that descends directly from the most Dark wizards of the Dark Ages without picking up a few useful curses."

"Unforgivables?" Ginny breathed, taken aback by the hard gleam that had appeared in Carden's eyes.

"There are a whole lot more curses out there than the Unforgivables, Ginny," Carden said, her face softening again. "The Unforgivables land you in Azkaban for a lifetime, but there are many more Dark curses."

"You would use them?" Harry asked.

"To defend myself from Death Eaters? Yes, I would."

They were silent for a while. Then Ron said, in an attempt to break the awkwardness, "Well, I suppose if you would use it on Malfoy, I can't be bothered too much with it."

"RON!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Did you really date Lucius Malfoy?" Ginny asked, ignoring the bickering that had once again begun between her brother and Hermione.

Carden nodded.

"That's disturbing," Harry said. Carden chuckled at his horrified face.

"Actually", Ginny said, "I suppose if you look past the sneer, the condescending attitude, the thickheadedness, and the arrogance, Draco is not that bad either."

Eyes nearly popping out of their sockets, Ron jerked his head towards his sister. "You did not just say that! You did not just say that you're attracted to that ferret."

"Oh, Ron, grow up. I'm not attracted to him. You think I can't see past his looks?"

Ron deflated a bit.

Carden chuckled again. "What Draco will do, we'll have to wait and see. I'm not so sure he's exactly like his father." She paused for a moment. "Lucius holds an amount of cruelty and ruthlessness that not many do. And even less people have the ability to hide it behind their looks and appearance like he does. I've known him all my life and even I was shocked when -- when I found out what he was capable of." Her face darkened for a moment and Harry noticed the flash of pain in her eyes. She blinked and it was gone, but seeing Remus's worried expression he knew he hadn't imagined it.

Carden continued, "Many people think Lucius is a devoted servant to Voldemort, but he only serves himself and his own interests."

"He won't be serving anyone now," Ron said with satisfaction. "He's in Azkaban."

"The Dementors will soon join Voldemort," Carden replied without a trace of doubt in her voice. "He'll be out before long. I'm looking forward to it."

Seeing Carden's eyes narrow into something disturbingly vengeful for a fleeting moment, Harry was not surprised when Lupin tried to change the subject. "Where were we again?" he asked lightly.

"Er… well," Carden blinked, "I moved into my apartment and began my new job. Despite my name, Cecil Barnaby and Quintin Baldric cut me no slack and made me work hard, to my delight. I quickly came to realise my work was the only place I could take my mind of the Order and the Death Eaters.

"Being a Carden meant that I was, by nature, a spoilt little brat that hadn't done a hard day's work in her life and it took me weeks to adjust to my new life. My work, the Occlumency lessons, the constant stress of coaxing Evan and Rowan into telling me about Death Eater's affairs, and Sirius's glowering looks at Order meetings exhausted me."

"What did he do?" Harry asked.

"The first few meetings I was present at," Carden answered, "Sirius wasn't even there, both to my relief and disappointment. I missed him terribly. He couldn't avoid me for long though, and our encounters were awkward, but short. He could barely even say hello to me. He was furious and hurt, which in turn incensed me because of the guilt he made me feel. After a while we had got ourselves so angry at each other the Order meetings turned into a very hostile affair."

"How did you go about infiltrating?" Hermione asked.

"Evan's own career in his family's business and his activities as a Death Eater prevented him from spending a lot of time with me, giving me enough opportunities to practise Occlumency. Under Dumbledore, Morton, and Moody's tutelage I advanced rapidly and soon learned to concentrate on particular – harmless – memories to feed a Legilimens, so he could not get to the compromising ones.

"I was still no match for Dumbledore, but he did seem very content with the improvement I was making. I practised every spare moment I had, knowing that my life depended on it.

"The few times I did see Evan we talked about the attacks and the progression Voldemort was making. By the time it was November I had not only let Rowan in on my wishes to become a Death Eater, I had also informed my cousins Rodolphus and Rabastan.

"It was at my brother's wedding when things began to gain momentum."

* * *

**Author's note:** Sort of an explanatory chapter. I hope it doesn't break the actual story too much apart, but I felt there were a lot of things to explain, so I decided to do it like this. Let me know what you think. 


	23. Death Eaters

**SexeiAlexeiGurl:** Thanks! Promise I won't keep him away for too long ;) Btw, I swear those professors conspire against students "hmm, lets go all out this week and make them cry..." (growls)

**Messr-Paddifoots-love:** No need to cry LOL, I'm nowhere near finished. Another update!

**DollFace080:** Thanks! I'm glad the chapter worked. So now it's back to young Niamh. Hope you like it!

**Ms-PadfootVerona:** You're forgiven :D And of course I missed you! Once again your review made my day. Thanks! Of course I love Johnny Depp. I mean, how can you not? The man is a good-looking _genius_. It doesn't get much better than that LOL.  
Right, the trailer. I completely loved it and then it got to the part with Sirius in the fire and I went "What the...! You've got to be kidding me!" Please tell me this is not all we get to see of him in the entire film! I think I read somewhere that Sirius had a tiny part in this film, but this can't be all! And indeed, what happened to the green flames! Did you get the email on X's death by the way?

**darklady5289:** Here's the update! I'm glad you thought the chapter was a good idea. I really wasn't sure about it. Back to the 'real' story now.

**Jennie:** Thanks a lot! I hope you like the next chapter.

**hpandfriendsruletheworld:** Thanks! Great that you thought the chapter worked. And here's the next one...

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* * *

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**Death Eaters**

My brother married Alexia Malfoy at the beginning of November and his wedding was the first time I spoke to Lucius since the Christmas ball at his manor the year before. Cool and composed as always he congratulated me with my brother's wedding and my engagement.

"Thank you," I smiled. I was on a roll tonight. I played the part of the pure-blood witch with fervour and rumours about my unusual behaviour silenced quickly when they saw Evan was not vexed about it at all -- or at least pretended not to be. I had danced quite a few times with him and he was the ever charming and handsome wizard. Appearance was everything.

I had to admit I rather enjoyed myself. I mixed my friendly behaviour with the expected arrogance, pride, and condescending attitude, amusing myself in silence when I heard people talking behind my back, "She takes after her father." I probably outdid even Bellatrix when it came to haughtiness and pureblood superiority. I knew this wedding was the perfect opportunity to show how close I was to my family, so I spent a lot of time talking to my brother and Alexia, Deirdre, and my cousins.

After gracefully accepting congratulations with my engagement for about the hundredth time and casually avoiding inquiries about the postponed wedding at the same time I decided it was time for a break and got myself a glass of champagne. As I looked at the guests, I pondered about how much power there was in a name. Most people didn't look beyond the name Carden. _How convenient_, I thought cunningly.

Lucius's eyes had followed me the entire evening and when I stepped out onto the balcony for some fresh air, he came after me. I wiped the satisfied smile from my lips before I turned around and leaned my hip against the balustrade. I mentally sharpened my claws, while swirling the champagne in my glass.

After the obligatory congratulations there was a silence. With a small smirk I looked at my ex-boyfriend. He was wearing black dress robes with some dark green accents and his long, blonde hair was tied at the nape of his neck. His cold, grey eyes flashed when he looked at my smirk.

I let the silence endure, secretly enjoying the uncomfortable position Lucius was in.

"So," he said finally, "Evan it is then."

"Yes," I drawled and traced a finger lazily over the white limestone of the balustrade.

"May I inquire as to why you've accepted his proposal?"

_Ever the gentleman_, I thought and snorted audibly. _Isn't it ironic that some of the most well brought-up men in the country commit the most heinous crimes_. Lucius raised an eyebrow at my unlady-like behaviour.

"Instead of yours, you mean?" I asked sweetly.

"I suppose."

My smirk became slightly malevolent. I suppose it was part of my Slytherin personality. I loved to see him squirm. But Lucius had his uses, so I decided not to push it too far.

Looking honestly at him, I said, "I didn't see any other way out than end it, at the time. I am very determined to prove to myself that I can make it on my own, and Evan gave me enough time to do so."

"What makes you think I wouldn't have done the same?"

"Lucius," I purred. "Be honest. Would you have?" _No chance in hell._

The corner of his mouth curled up. "You've known me far too long."

"Ah, yes. Those good old times," I sighed dramatically.

"Well, for old times' sake then," Lucius insisted, "dance with me."

I consented and he put his hand on the small of my back to lead me to the dance floor. After dancing a waltz with him, he walked me to Alexia and my brother, who were talking to some of their friends, including Evan. I did not miss the sharp look Evan sent Lucius, so I made sure to stand close to Evan, and let the arm he placed around my middle pull me even closer. Lucius's eyes narrowed slightly, but he turned away and began a conversation with his cousin Alexia.

Alexia looked wonderful. She was a typical winter's bride with her long, white-blonde hair loosely pinned up and covered under a delicate veil. She had a skin so fair it rivalled Rowan's and mine and bright blue eyes. She was tall and her gown showed off her slim body.

Rowan looked proudly at his wife. I bit back the jealousy I felt. _Married to the one he loves._ I pushed Sirius resolutely out of my mind when Evan included me in the conversation and I chatted along with him, until Alexia's attention was diverted and she walked off to talk to her parents. Conversations slowly stopped. Evan, Lucius, Bellatrix, Rodolphus, Rowan, Antonin… My stomach clenched in discomfort and a little fear when I realised I was standing in a group that was made up of Death Eaters.

They fixed their eyes on me.

Then Bellatrix spoke, "Why don't you join us on a little Muggle-hunt tomorrow?"

* * *

I contacted Dumbledore immediately the next morning. Though he tried not to show it, he was worried that the Death Eaters wanted me to prove myself first, instead of taking me to Voldemort right away. He urged me to be extremely cautious. I owled Quintin Baldric that I could not come to work today and spent the day with Dumbledore to prepare myself. The Occlumency was not only necessary to shield my memories, it also helped me suppress my emotions. I got a horrible feeling in my stomach whenever I thought of what was going to happen that night, but Dumbledore forbade me to think about it. 

At night Dumbledore left to go back to Hogwarts and I was as prepared as I could be. I was on my own now.

Evan came for me close to midnight. He wore a heavy, pitch black cloak that obscured his body, except for his face, because he had slipped the hood from his head.

I grabbed my own cloak, which I had turned black only that afternoon, and put it on. From inside his cloak Evan pulled out two white masks. "You're not a Death Eater yet," he said, "but we don't want you exposed." I held out my hand and he gave me a mask. Maybe it was my imagination, but the skull-like mask seemed to made of ice.

I tore my gaze from the mask when Evan said, "I have to admit I was not sure this was a good idea…" He paused and eyed me up and down with a look in his eyes I could not quite decipher, a dark smile appearing on his face, "But I think I'll revise my opinion."

I hooked my finger in the neckline of his cloak and pulled him to me to kiss him. Evan made an approving sound and slid his hands under my cloak. I broke the kiss before things could get out of hand. "I'm glad you see it that way," I smirked.

"Tease," Evan grumbled and put his mask on. After he had pulled his hood over his head, he commanded, "Hold my arm. I'll lead you." His voice sounded strangely distorted through the mask. The sight of a Death Eater right in front of me sent ripples of fear crawling over my skin and I quickly used the Occlumency techniques to block my emotions. I put on my own mask and placed a steady hand on his arm.

The familiar sense of Apparating overtook me and we landed in a street. A Muggle street. A few cloaked figures were already waiting and several more Apparated right after us.

"This is a Muggle street, I presume?" I asked Evan.

He nodded and looked around, his face no doubt showing disgust behind the mask.

"They live like this?" I asked, putting horror and revulsion in my voice. "All together like that?" Actually, the small terraced houses were quite charming, but a rich and spoilt pure-blood would never admit that.

"Yes," Evan answered distastefully.

"And here I thought we were raiding this place to get rid of the stench of Muggles; not to do them a favour." I snorted contemptuously.

I heard a small chuckle behind me and turned around. Three cloaked figures walked towards us. "No doubt that comment came from my sister," the tallest of them said.

"Indeed," Evan answered.

"Is everyone here?" The voice was almost unrecognizable behind the mask, but I had no difficulty identifying Lucius's drawl.

"Yes," Rowan confirmed.

"It's the third house on the right," a female voice spoke. Bellatrix.

"We're hunting down someone in particular?" I asked.

"A professor from a Muggle university," Bellatrix answered. "Apparently he is of some influence."

"But we're going to take out the rest of his family as well. Just for fun," Lucius chuckled. The others laughed softly.

I turned my head to the house in question, where our unsuspecting victims were asleep. _What am I doing? I can't do this. I can't do this! _

I felt I was going to panic. I desperately tried to control my breathing, cautious not to start hyperventilating. Faltering now would mean a certain death. My heart jumped in my throat when Lucius waved his wand. The street lanterns flickered twice, before they were extinguished. We were suddenly enveloped in darkness. The Death Eaters started walking towards the house. It was an eerie sight; about eight hooded figures slowly moving closer in silence. Their cloaks hid their feet, so that they seemed to glide over the pavement.

We stopped at the front door. "Would you like to do the honours?" Bellatrix asked me.

Without a word I stepped forward and performed the _Alohomora_ charm. The door swayed open and revealed a tiny hallway. I stepped inside, followed by the others.

Evan and Lucius took the lead and ordered the others to get the family. I was paired with a Death Eater I didn't recognize. We climbed the stairs and walked to the farthest bedroom.

I could not make out much in the dark. I pointed my wand at the sleeping figure in the bed. "_Silencio_," I muttered.

The Death Eater next to me pointed his wand at the figure as well. Ropes shot out of the tip of his wand with a bang. The figure in the bed jumped up. I groaned inwardly in deep misery. A small girl of about eight years stared at us in horror, trying to scream and clutching at her throat when no sound came from her. The ropes bound her arms and legs quickly.

"_Mobilicorpus_," the Death Eater mumbled and the little girl was lifted into the air. I followed them downstairs, clenching my jaw tightly, knowing that there was no way out for both the girl and myself.

Evan, Lucius and Bellatrix were already waiting with what I presumed was another child of the professor: a twelve-year-old boy.

"Well done," Evan said appreciatively. I nodded, not trusting my voice.

Suddenly a loud crash came from upstairs and even louder screams of a man and woman.

"Emmy! Run!" an unknown male voice bellowed.

"_Crucio!_" a Death Eater shouted and a woman's screams tore through the house. I heard a loud thump when her body fell to the ground. The unknown male voice I identified as the professor's roared in anger and shock.

A red flash could be seen and another loud thump came from upstairs. The professor had been Stupefied. A few seconds later the remaining Death Eaters came downstairs. The limp bodies of the professor and his wife hovered in front of them.

"Idiots!" Lucius hissed. "The whole street has been alerted by now. Hurry up."

Evan pointed his wand at the little girl and said in a cold voice, "_Avada Kedavra._" A flash of green light hit her in the chest. She fell to the ground. Dead.

Completely frozen I stared at the child. From somewhere in the back of my mind came the notion that I should be extremely grateful for the mask, because I would not have been able to hide the expression on my face without it. The girl's blonde hair was spread out over the floor and I caught myself staring at it. From the corner of my eye I saw another green flash. The boy toppled backwards, empty eyes staring at the ceiling.

The woman's wails seemed to be tearing through my brain. Though she was bound with ropes, she tried to scoot closer to her children. Bellatrix hissed in annoyance. "_Crucio!_"

The woman cried and writhed on the floor. Lucius watched it for a moment, before he said, "Enough. We don't have time for this now. _Avada Kedavra_."

The professor made a sound like a wounded animal. I leaned against a dresser in what I hoped was a casual manner. I folded my arms to hide the shaking. I could not find a way to describe what I was feeling. I shouldn't have been feeling anything, but the Occlumency lessons had all vanished from my head. I was almost overcome by fear, shock and abhorrence. All I could do was try to hide it.

Every illusion that I had; every euphemism; every false impression that it might not be so bad… It was all blown away with one flick of Evan's wand. I was left staring at the raw reality.

"Finish him," Evan ordered.

"Let _her_ do it," Bellatrix hissed. My head shot up. Surely she didn't mean… The precarious situation I was in hit me like a sledgehammer. I desperately began blocking my emotions again and tried to summon enough hatred to perform an Unforgivable. It was hopeless; I would never be ready in time.

"No," Evan snapped. "She has never done an Unforgivable before and we don't have enough time to correct her mistake if it goes wrong."

"Fine," Bellatrix gave in and pointed her wand at the distraught professor. "_Avada Kedavra!_" Now the entire family lay lifeless on the floor, their faces frozen in fear and grief.

The Death Eaters left them and walked out of the house. The neighbours' windows were illuminated and the sirens of Muggle cars grew louder.

Rowan pointed his wand at the sky. "_Morsmordre!_" An enormous skull of green smoke was raised into the air, right above the house.

"I'll report to the Dark Lord," Lucius said and Disapparated.

Evan grabbed my arm and we Apparated to my apartment. "You did well," he complimented me after I had taken my mask off.

I had had enough time to regain composure and narrowed my eyes at him. "Why didn't you let me take care of that Muggle?" I asked angrily. I threw my mask on the sofa.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I was under the impression that you had never done an Unforgivable before," Evan answered, while taking off his own mask.

"I could have tried," I protested. "II wouldn't have failed."

"We didn't have enough time." Evan chuckled. "You're an eager one, aren't you?"

I shrugged. Evan walked closer to me and undid the clasp of my cloak. It fell in a puddle at my feet. His hand moved to my hair and pulled out the pins that held it back. The heavy curls cascaded down my back. He wove his hand through them. "I have to say I rather like this," he said in a low voice.

I knew he wasn't talking about the curls. I couldn't back away from this man that got turned on by killing defenceless people. Evan pressed his lips against mine and sought out my tongue. Resigned, I kissed him back, but I pushed him away when his hands started roaming over my body.

"I have to get up early," I explained, "and I'm already tired."

"Fine. Goodnight," Evan said.

"Night," I mumbled and watched him Disapparate, no doubt off to find another woman to satisfy himself with.

Wondering where that cynicism suddenly came from, I shook my head and wiped my mouth. I rummaged through a drawer to find parchment and a quill. I sat down to write Dumbledore a note.

_I'm fine. See you on meeting tomorrow._

_N._

I stared in disgust at the shaky handwriting. I tore the written part from the rest of the parchment and rewrote the note. A drop of water landed on the parchment, smudging the ink.

_Great. The roof is leaking_, I thought annoyed. My second attempt was even more pathetic and I ripped another piece from the parchment. Suddenly I crumbled the parchment in my hand and threw it across the room. I rested my head in my hands and realised I had been crying when I felt the moist on my skin. My shoulders shook with my sobs when I let down my Occlumency defences.

Almost immediately waves of nausea overtook me and I ran to the bathroom to throw up. When I had emptied my stomach I slumped against the tiled wall and waited until the sobs and coughs had stopped. I wiped the tears away and leaned the back of my head against the wall.

After a while I scrambled to my feet and walked back to my living room. I found the crumbled parchment and tried to smoothen it. This time I managed to write a decipherable note. I tied it to Harold's leg – my owl – and sent him on his way. After I watched him fly away into the darkness, I dragged myself to my bedroom and fell on top of the sheets, not bothering to undress.

* * *

Let me know what you think. 


	24. Stubbornness

**Wendela400:** Thanks! I hope you like the next chapter.

**DollFace080:** Thank you! That's great to hear. I'm glad you liked it; it was pretty hard to write. Anyway, here's another update.

**MsPadfootVerona:** Yeah, it's so sad. It's difficult to write about Death Eaters, because you know they do horrible things, and when I had this idea in my head I went like "come on, would they really do that?" But then you know that they would, even though it's hard to imagine how ruthless they can be. I decided to 'go all out' on the first raid, so it would be somewhat of a shock. To read it, and to Niamh herself. I'm glad it worked.  
Flight Plan, that's the one with Jodie Foster, right? It hasn't premiered here yey, but I'm going to go and see it! Johnny Depp, I can't stop looking at the man. Sleepy Hollow aired on TV last week. It had me bouncing on the couch in joy (and squealing in fear, because I'm a wimp when it comes to bloody movies. It took me about 4 times to watch Scream without a pillow in front of me - how sad is that!)  
No way! Just a mini-scene with charcoalhead Sirius? What about the hospitalscene at the end when they decide to bring back the Order? I loved that in the book. Molly Weasley going nutters when he transforms back and Ron's comment. And the part with Snape...ugh seriously don't like that man.  
The Pensieve scene is horrible. There are spearpoints prodding him everywhere! He looks a lot like Sirius like that, doesn't he? But Sirius never had a trial, Crouch sr. just put him in Azbaban... ugh don't like that man either. But anyway, it's not exactly suitable for little children. It's pretty scary. PG-13 yay! It was unavoidable, I guess, the books get a lot darker and more serious as well.  
Stupid email. And of course I didn't save it. Stupid me. I'll send another one when I have the time. I really hate my teachers right now. But don't expect too much from it, I totally suck at predicting plot lines! Ron and Hermione was about the only thing I saw coming.  
Thanks for such a comliment! I'm grinning widely at my screen now. (shouldn't scare the poor thing so ;) ) Finally an update, so I hope you like it!

**darklady5289:** Thanks! Sorry, college is killing me. This is as fast I can go, don't like it myself either. Anyway, I'm glad you liked it and here's another chapter!

**hpandfriendsruletheworld:** You spelled it correctly! Thanks for the compliment and here's a little bit of Sirius for you ;) so I hope you like it.

**Padfoots-luvr: **Yeah, it's "Neev". Sirius is not on his best behaviour, is he? I'm glad you liked the chapter. Here's the next

**Messr-Paddifoots-love:** Yup, not good huh? I couldn't see Death Eaters any other way...

**

* * *

**

**Stubbornness**

**Headquarters of the Order**

Remus placed himself in a chair, glaring at his best friend. He had always known Sirius was stubborn, but this was just beyond reason. It had been almost four months since they had broken up and Niamh and Sirius still refused to talk to each other.

Sirius was staring broodingly in his coffee mug. "I don't know why Dumbledore insists on meeting this early," he muttered.

Remus merely snorted. "Some people have jobs," he said.

"Your point being…?" Sirius retorted. The Order meetings had been this early ever since they had found a place with enough protection spells to become Headquarters for the Order, so they wouldn't have to hold meetings in someone's living room anymore.

Remus got up and poured himself some tea. "Tea?" he asked when Lily, James, Moody, and Caradoc Dearborn entered the room. Moody's magical eye fixed itself on Sirius and then on Remus. He grumbled, but didn't say anything.

"Tea would be lovely," Lily said and nudged her boyfriend in the side. James had followed Moody's gaze and was rolling his eyes extensively at his best friends. Remus thought Sirius was being an ass, and Sirius thought Remus should just shut up. By the looks on their faces, James deducted that Remus had – once again – not shut up.

"Yes," James said quickly when he felt Lily poking him. "Tea."

Today promised to be a large meeting. The room was soon filled with almost twenty members.

"Merlin's balls!" Fabian called out over the buzzing in the room when the door swayed open again and Niamh stepped inside. "You look horrible."

Niamh shot him an irritated glare. "Thanks, Fab. Good to see you too."

"Niamh, are you all right?" Remus asked her concerned. Not only had she lost weight, there were dark circles under her eyes and she looked exhausted.

She shrugged. "Haven't been sleeping too well." She tilted her head to one side and pouted. "Coffee?"

Remus poured her some and with a satisfied groan she wrapped her hands around the mug. "Someone should kill Albus for wanting to meet so early."

With a sigh Remus noticed that she was avoiding to look at Sirius. As usual. Niamh curled herself up in an armchair and yawned widely.

"Have you had breakfast yet?" Lily asked her.

"No. Not hungry," came the short reply.

"You need to eat more," Lily insisted.

"I need more coffee. Then I'll be fine," Niamh said waspishly.

Lily sighed in resignation and sat next to James, who wrapped his arm around her. Conversations were soon resumed, but Remus noticed that Niamh and Sirius were staring in opposite directions. The meeting began when Dumbledore and Morton entered. After listening to the reports from the members that worked in the Ministry, he turned to Niamh.

She sighed and put her mug down. "Everything's going well. Nobody suspects me. They've got a clear idea on who might be members of the Order, though. Evan has been whining about it for a while now. Caradoc and you, Marlene. And you two, of course," she finished, nodding at Gideon and Fabian. "I think I've found another name for you, someone named Wilkes." She shrugged. "But I didn't get a first name."

"That makes Rosier, Malfoy, Bellatrix and Rodolphus, Rabastan, your brother, Dolohov, Seth Zabini, and this Wilkes you said," Morton said.

"Basically what we already suspected," Peter said.

"Yeah, well, next time I'll ask for a list with all of their names," Niamh snapped. Remus put a calming hand on her arm. "Sorry, Pete," she sighed. "It's just -- there's a Death Eater meeting tonight that I have been summoned to. I think I'm going to be initiated."

Dumbledore placed the tips of his fingers against each other. "I wouldn't be surprised. You've been doing very well."

Niamh made a dismissive gesture. The fact that she had not been made a Death Eater straight away had been a major setback. She had not even met Voldemort yet. Instead she was forced to prove herself in numerous raids and attacks. She didn't talk about it, but Remus had a feeling she had become quite adept with the Unforgivables.

"How is the Occlumency going?" Dumbledore inquired.

Niamh snorted. "Besides the nightmares and the fact that I have to spend half an hour hugging my toilet every time I stop performing Occlumency, it's going great."

_She doesn't look good_, Sirius thought. He clenched his jaw and stared fixedly out of the window, telling himself off. She had chosen for this herself. God, how he hated it when she talked about that Rosier. He didn't understand how she did it. Playing the happy fiancée, when that bastard killed everything in his sight. Kissing and smiling at that monster. He remembered vividly when she had come to the meeting after her first raid last month. He had had to restrain himself not to pull her into his arms right then and there. Ghostly white, trembling and with teary eyes, stuttering when she told what had happened.

An eight-year-old, for Merlin's sake!

And still she had gone back. Back to him, back to that damned family of hers. There had been many other raids since then, but she was not let in on their plans beforehand, since she was not a Death Eater yet. All she had been able to do was provide them with the names of the people she recognized, so that the Order could put a tail on them, and tell the Order what she heard from Rosier and her brother.

He could see it frustrated her. She really didn't look good. With a grunt he put his coffee mug on the table.

Niamh's voice faltered for a moment and she glanced at him, before she stuck her chin in the air and continued her story.

_Arrogant witch_, Sirius thought and narrowed his eyes at her. She didn't look at him again, however.

Remus rolled his eyes when he saw the exchange. This was just ridiculous. A blind man could see what they were trying to do. He knew Sirius would stop being a prick eventually, but he was worried about Niamh.

She needed Sirius. She would never admit it, but to Remus it was clear as a midsummer's day. Sirius was the one who had given her enough courage to leave her family, and in a way he was also the one who had given her enough courage to go back to them. And now he refused to talk to her. Remus chewed on his lip. For some reason, this made him feel uneasy. Niamh was back with her family, but without Sirius. She was alone.

Dumbledore's voice shook him from his musings. "Sirius? How are things in Dangerley Hall?"

Remus checked quickly. Yes, Niamh was staring at her hands, instead of looking at Sirius like everybody else.

"No attacks yet, though we heard someone bustling about last night," Sirius began. "Dorcas is staying with them today. We didn't think it was safe anymore to leave them without protection during the day."

"Well thought," Dumbledore nodded.

Sirius was protecting an important Muggle family. Several relatives of this influential family had already been murdered and Dumbledore had thought it likely that they would be next on the list. Dorcas Meadowes, Auror trainer at the Ministry, was in charge of the operation, which included – besides Sirius – Gideon Prewett, Sturgis Podmore, and Frank Longbottom.

"I'm going back after the meeting, so Dorcas can get to work. Frank will stay as well and tonight Gideon and Sturgis take over," Sirius finished.

"Good," Dumbledore said. "Corbin?"

Morton sighed. "Nothing much. Voldemort promises the vampires as much human blood as they want, but he has not asked them for anything in return yet."

"I suppose that's all," Dumbledore said. "I have a meeting with the Minister in five minutes. Niamh, I want a report as soon as you get back."

"Yes, Albus."

Dumbledore placed his hat on his head and disappeared.

"I thought this house was suppose to be Apparate-proof," Fabian sighed.

"It's Dumbledore," Morton grinned. "Well, I'm off. Have a nice Christmas everyone."

Niamh downed the last of her coffee and got to her feet. "I'm off too. Have to start work at nine. Bye."

Remus followed her to the front door. "Be careful, will you?"

Niamh flashed him a grin. "I'm always careful. Do you see any of my limbs missing?" She looked at her body. "No? That means I'm doing well."

Remus grimaced. "That's really not funny."

Niamh felt a little guilty. "Sorry, Rem." She wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly. "You're a great friend," she mumbled into his chest.

Sighing deeply, Remus hugged her back. He couldn't stop worrying. He was going to talk to Sirius. Again.

Niamh let go of Remus and stiffened. She looked at something over his shoulder. Remus turned around. Sirius was leaning in the doorway, arms folded. His eyes met Niamh's for a moment and she quickly turned around. "Bye, Remus."

"Bye."

Niamh almost fled from Headquarters and Disapparated as soon as she had passed the protective spells.

Remus shut the door and turned on his heels. "You are being the biggest arsehole I have ever met," he snapped.

Sirius snorted. "Luckily she has you for a friend."

"Don't go there again, Padfoot," Remus threatened. "Just because I'm not with you on this one, doesn't mean I'm not your friend. That girl loves my best friend, even though he is too damn stubborn and stupid to see it. I'm not letting her down just because you are being an idiot."

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "So you think I've let her down?"

"Yes, I do."

"Seems to me you're forgetting that it was her own decision to do this. She wanted to go back to those maniacs she calls family and that -- that piece of shit."

"Are you really that dense?" Remus asked incredulously. "She's not _back_ with her family. She's spying on them. At an immense risk, I might add."

Sirius's eyes widened when Remus suddenly swore loudly. Remus didn't swear often. Actually, he didn't swear at all.

The werewolf shook his head and looked at his friend. "She could be killed any second. I can't believe you're wasting all of this time on something this absurd, when you might not get another chance. Of all people, Padfoot, I would have thought that you would understand that."

Sirius averted his eyes, ashamed. Remus was talking about Zarah. But this was different. How could he explain to Remus the feeling that bubbled inside him whenever he thought of his family? It was very close to pure hatred. He could not stand to be within ten feet of them, Andromeda and Uncle Alphard not included.

And she, she spent her life with them. He could not even begin to grasp how she could do it, when she had the same ideas about pure-bloods as him. He had recognized something of himself in her. She had hidden it well at Hogwarts, but he had noticed it nonetheless, first the doubt and finally the realisation that you couldn't agree with their pureblood views. That you were different. He had experienced it himself years before.

He sometimes wondered if that was why he had been attracted to her in the first place.

Sirius was not afraid to admit that jealousy played a role as well. The mere thought of Rosier looking at Niamh, kissing her, and -- God forbid -- even worse… It made him want to rip Rosier's throat.

"Padfoot?" Remus asked his friend, who seemed to be staring out into space, his brow furrowing. Remus thought he could actually hear him grind his teeth.

Sirius blinked. "Sorry, Moony. I have to get to Dangerley." He rushed past the werewolf and walked out of the door.

* * *

**Baldric&Barnaby's**

I sighed heavily, staring at the papers on my desk.

"You know, you can stare all you want, but those papers won't start dancing all of a sudden, love," Quintin – one of my bosses – laughed.

"Sorry Quinn," I mumbled. "I'm a bit absent-minded."

Quinn chuckled. "Did that gorgeous fiancé of yours keep you up all night again?"

I grimaced. "You could say that." I had not slept a full night without nightmares since my first raid, and Evan was a part of them many times.

"You should bring him more often," Quinn insisted with a leering look.

I snorted loudly. "So you can drool over him, you mean."

"Well," Quinn shrugged. "The man has a nice body. Can't help myself. You two are coming to the Christmas party, aren't you?" He eyed me hopefully.

"Of course we will," I grinned. "Now let me get back to work."

I watched Quinn swagger off to his office. He was quite a character. Always dressed according to the latest fashion, brown hair styled into perfection, two rows of brilliantly white teeth, and always a slight, but perfect tan. He had been smitten with Evan since the first time he had met him.

Quinn was the complete opposite of his business partner Cecil Barnaby. Cecil was extremely forgetful in all things, except his manuscripts. With his unruly, black curls, flecked with grey and his glasses that stood lopsided on his nose, which seemed to be forever buried in parchment, he was the epitome of the absent-minded professor. He spoke about thirty languages and their ancient counterparts fluently and was a brilliant translator, but people frightened him.

Quinn took care of all the public relations and Cecil decided which books they were going to publish. They had hired me, because they both hated the paperwork. So in exchange for doing the administration, they would teach me the ropes of the publishing business. It basically meant I had a double job, but I loved it.

After four months Cecil didn't jump up in fright anymore when he saw me, which meant – according to Quinn – that he liked me. Quinn started dragging me along when he visited their clients, because I made "a beautiful asset to his people skills." I probably should have been insulted by this, but Quinn's personality made it seem impossible. Which was probably why he was so good with people.

I sighed again, feeling guilty. I shouldn't have snapped at Lily like that. She was just worried. I was still amazed how easily she had accepted me. We got along quite well, actually. She was not only an exceptionally nice person, she was also the living proof that the pure blood ideas were wrong.

I didn't want to think about Sirius. It ached to look at him, especially when he turned those grey eyes, full of anger, accusation, and hurt on me. I had stopped being angry at him for not standing by me; now I just avoided to think about him, avoided to look at him, and definitely avoided to talk to him. It would only hurt.

I swore under my breath. _Like right now, when you can't help yourself and still think about the bastard._

"Damn that man," I muttered.

_Okay, so maybe I am still a bit angry with him._

"Ugh," I grunted and went back to work, abolishing all thoughts about a certain black-haired wizard from my mind.

I left work at five, picked up something to eat on the way home – cooking was something I hadn't dared to do yet – and spent the rest of the evening meditating.

The Occlumency was quite easy now. Within minutes I could summon up an impressive shield. I could endure an entire raid without being flooded in emotions. I was capable of singling out hatred, so that I could perform Unforgivables and other Dark curses. I didn't talk about what I had to do when I was with the Death Eaters, except to Dumbledore, but I knew most of the Order members had a clear idea. I could see it in Remus's eyes whenever he thought I wasn't aware that he was looking at me.

It was something I would have to live with. The things I had done, and the things that would come. I couldn't sleep anymore. Even when I was awake I sometimes saw the images of the victims. I had begun to use the Occlumency more often so I could suppress those images. The side-effects were not lessened, though. When I did stop practising Occlumency, the contents of my stomach immediately rose and I didn't stop retching until it was completely empty. It was as if my body was completely revolted by what I did.

I sighed. No use thinking about that now. Evan would be here any minute. I searched for my cloak and mask, and waited until my fiancé showed up.

"Niamh," he said after he Apparated. "Are you ready?"

"Yes."

"Hold my arm."

We Disapparated. My feet landed on hard, frozen earth. I looked around. A graveyard.

_Isn't that wonderful?_

From between the old, weathered stones eight Death Eaters emerged. They formed a circle around me. I realised that there were only seven Death Eaters, as one of the cloaked figures stepped forward and stood beside me. A Death Eater stepped forward and took the masks from our face. I gasped in surprise when I looked at the hooded figure next to me. He was equally surprised. My old class mate, Severus Snape.

We stared at each other for a moment, until the Death Eater hissed, "On your knees." It was Lucius.

We obeyed and a tall and thin figure stepped into the circle. "Two more that wish to follow me?" The voice was high and had an unpleasant hiss to it. Ghostly white hands with long fingers moved to his hood. When it slipped to his shoulders I bowed my head as deep as I could.

Voldemort.


	25. Marked

**Wendela400:** Many thanks :D I hope you like the next chapter.

**Darklady5289:** Cliffhanger? Just a little ;) Anyway, thanks for the review and let's find out what Voldy has to say, shall we?

**MsPadfootVerona: **Damn it! Answering the reviews just made me remember I still haven't wrote you that email. I need a diary... or a personal assistent. Are you allowed to post job advertisements on this site? Once again such a wonderful review from you ( I very much enjoy yourendless blabbering), I feel really guilty now.  
Oh, Johnny Depp, two days ago 'the Astronaut's Wife' was on TV. Make my day, why don't you :D Although he is quite scary in that film... but scary in a very sexy way.I so love the idea of a Johnny Depp-day, by the way. Johnny and junkfood, what more does a girl want?  
I haven't seen 'Saw'. That film is way to scary for me, although I agree that there is something about the idea behind it. But then I think about the leg, the chain and the fact that he has to cut off his own leg and that just cures me of any wish to see it. I'm such a coward.  
I liked that about Remus too. I figured if it came from him it would have more impact on our favourite, yet overly stubborn hero. Oh, by the way, I came across this picture of Dougray Scott in 'Ever After' and he sort of looks like the younger version of film-Sirius. Still doesn't match the one in my head, butI thought he would do well as Gary Oldman's younger version, though he's too old for fifteen year-old Sirius. Maybe it's just the long, black hair...  
Wow, you're really busy with school organisations. I have the same, only with my swimming and gymnastics clubs.  
Anyway, have fun on your holiday and with the musical, though you'll read it _after_ you get back, so this is just stupid..

**hpandfriendsruletheworld:** Sirius is back, yay! Glad you liked it :) Don't like Voldemort either, but he cried when I told himI was gonna leave him out, so I kinda felt sorry for him :D No seriously, I could write a book on ways to kill Bellatrix and Voldemort slowly for killing Sirius. Remus is one of my favourites, he really is the one that brings a little reason into the Marauder group.

**DollFace080: I** love cliffhangers. I couldn't do it any other way, really, I mean about Sirius' stubbornness. I can't picture him stepping easily over the fact that 1) she's gone back to Evan, and 2) she lives with her family, instead of with him. Sirius has some serious issues with his family and their kind. And being stubborn (pig-headed?) of course makes it worse. And Niamh hasn't been highly considerate either. It's not all Sirius' fault ;) They're both stupid.

**Messr-Paddifoots-love:** LOL. Well,you're right, that's just Sirius. Adorable at times, handsome, but a complete ass at other times. But, like I said to DollFace080: don't forget Niamh. She could've done some things different as well...

**Domlando Blonaghan:** Great to hear from you again! I'm glad you still like the story. You're going to learn Gaelic? Can I ask your advice sometimes ;)? Anyway, I hope you like the next chapter.

**

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Marked

Before I realised it, fear was taking over and I started trembling. Cursing inwardly, I pushed it down almost violently. I did not dare lift my head. I stared at the ground.

"Severus," Voldemort's cold and high voice began. "Lucius has told me so much about you. Your knowledge of the Dark Arts is exquisite, he tells me."

I watched Severus from the corner of my eye. He bowed even deeper. "Thank you, my lord."

"And you, Niamh." I almost jumped up in fright. "Another member from such a respectable family. If you are half as competent as your brother is, I shall be fortunate to have you as my follower. And from what he and Evan tell me, I am much more than fortunate."

"You're too kind, my lord," I said, managing to stop my voice from trembling, although my lip bled from the force with which I had bitten on it.

Voldemort began walking around us. I didn't move an inch, I just kept staring at the ground, my head bowed. The Death Eaters stood motionless around us.

"You remind me of Bella, Niamh," Voldemort continued.

"I beg your pardon, my lord?" I asked bewildered.

He let out a chuckle that seemed more a cackle. It was a highly unpleasant sound that made my skin itch. "You both don't settle for the ordinary. You both want more."

_Great, he's a good judge of character. _I chastised myself immediately. This was not the time for sarcasm, for Merlin's sake!

"You gave Lucius quite a shock last year." Voldemort chuckled again. One of the Death Eaters shuffled uncomfortably. I reckoned it was Lucius.

"Forgive me, my lord. I hope I did not displease you."

"It would have pleased me if you and Lucius had been united. A bond between those two powerful families would certainly have pleased me." His last words ended in an angry hiss.

_Oh, good Merlin._ This was not going well. I had angered the Dark Lord before I had even met him. _Way to go, Niamh. Say goodbye to your limbs. _I closed my eyes, unable to hide the trembling now.

"But," Voldemort continued, an echo of his anger still in his voice, "I understood later. Your engagement to Evan and your request to him let me know that you would make a valuable addition to my faithful Death Eaters."

"Thank you, my lord." I couldn't hide the relief in my voice.

Again that cold chuckle. "Are you frightened of me, dear Niamh?" the Dark Lord asked. It seemed to amuse him.

"Yes, my Lord."

"Good."

_Shit._

"There's no need to fear me now. You've pleased me. My Death Eaters have reported that you have been a worthy companion on their quests."

I sighed in relief.

"As have you, Severus. I've heard nothing but good about you."

I was not surprised. Severus had always been a walking, talking encyclopaedia of Dark Curses and Potions.

"Thank you, my lord," he answered.

"Hold out your arms," the Dark Lord suddenly commanded. The Death Eaters stepped closer. I followed Severus's example and held out my left arm. "You will receive your reward now."

Voldemort extended a white hand and drew up my sleeve with one finger. My arm chilled to the bone. He did the same with Severus. He pointed his wand at my forearm, just below the elbow. A small drop of black liquid appeared on the tip of his wand and fell on my skin. A tiny dot of the black substance was visible on my arm. It soon spread out, as if an invisible quill were drawing something on my skin. Again, Severus received the same treatment.

Black ink crawled over my skin, guided by the invisible quill, connecting lines and dots and forming an image. I stared at the drawing on my skin. It resembled the Dark Mark that I had seen cast into the skies so many times. A skull with a snake protruding from its mouth.

Voldemort began chanting a spell. He was joined by the Death Eaters. I felt an uncomfortable tingle in my arm. I gasped in pain when the drawing suddenly began to burn. The fine line of ink grew thicker and blacker and some smoke coiled into the winter's air. I gritted my teeth and blinked away tears of pain. The Dark Mark was being burned into my very flesh.

I was marked.

The pain faded away to a dull throbbing. Voldemort looked at his handiwork. "The Dark Mark binds you to me. Your loyalty and obedience will be unwavering. You will serve me, your master. Serve me well and you will be rewarded. Fail me and you will be punished. I welcome you," he said, "my Death Eaters. Honour your master."

Severus immediately crawled forward and kissed the hem of Voldemort's robes. I felt revulsion, but did the same as he.

"Rise," the Dark Lord commanded, "and greet your family."

The other Death Eaters closed in around us and I was being congratulated. Evan took of his mask and kissed me deeply.

"Evan, why don't you continue that at home? We'd like a chance to congratulate her too," my brother said amused. Evan pulled back with a grin. "I'm very proud of you, little sister," Rowan smiled.

"Thank you," I smiled back.

"Father will be too."

I had to make an effort to keep the smile on my face, but I succeeded. Suddenly I was face to face with Severus.

"Niamh," he said, studying me with his black eyes.

"Severus," I grinned. "I would say 'what a surprise', but actually, it isn't."

"I was about to say the same to you," he replied. "So it's Evan who brought you in?"

"Yes, of course. And you? Lucius?"

"Yes." Severus eyed me carefully. "You caused quite a stir postponing the wedding."

I rolled my eyes with a smile. "I think you are about the six-hundredth person who's told me that. And they all love a good scandal," I added with a wink.

Evan snaked his arm around my waist. "And you love causing one, don't you?"

"That's not true," I pouted.

"Come on, we'll take our leave," Evan ordered and walked me to the Dark Lord, who was speaking to Lucius.

"Master," Evan bowed deeply – and I with him.

"Leaving so soon?"

"Forgive me, master."

"Celebrate in private, Evan."

"Thank you, master."

We bowed again and walked away to Disapparate. In my apartment Evan pulled me closer and lowered his mouth to mine. It seemed I would not be dropping the Occlumency walls yet. I sighed and kissed back.

* * *

When Evan was finally asleep in the middle of the night, I sent a message to Dumbledore using the Patronus Charm. I rolled up the sleeve of my nightgown to look at the awful mark and gasped. It was gone. 

When I looked closer, I could just make out a web of the faintest lines on my forearm, but someone who didn't know it was there would never notice it. I could still feel it, though. It felt like a foul, black stain on my skin. I felt tainted. Heaving a deep sigh, I went back to bed, to my fiancé. Tomorrow was a Saturday and I was expected at the manor to discuss my mother's Christmas party. I went over all the invitations I had received.

_Christmas Eve, at the manor with the family. Won't that be charming?_ I sighed and rolled my eyes. My sense of humour had always been slightly sarcastic, but it had got much worse lately, to the point of being cynical.

_Anyway, Christmas Ball at the Malfoys as usual. New Year's Ball at the Fudges'. All for the sake of Evan's political ambitions. Merlin, that's going to be boring._

Then there would be Quinn and Cecil's annual Christmas drink on Friday night before Christmas. A soirée at Rosier manor on the 28th, dinner at the Blacks' on the 29th and another party on the 30th, at the Grants'. One of my aunts was a Grant.

Evan and I had been invited to lunch at Lana's on the 27th, which was the only thing I was looking forward to, besides Quinn and Cecil's drink.

_Finally, New Year's reception on the 1st of January 1979 at the Lestranges'._

I had also been invited to Gideon and Fabian's, who had taken it upon themselves to arrange a party for Order members and I had promised to try and sneak in.

I decided I really should get some sleep, because not only would I be forced to listen to my mother's detailed plans, I would also have to go shopping afterwards. Merlin forbid that I should wear the same dress twice. My dear old Mum would have a fit.

* * *

After an exhausting weekend I had an Order meeting on Monday morning. Not only did I hate Mondays and mornings, I especially hated the combination of those two. 

Still annoyed and cranky from spending an entire weekend with my Mother and having to get up at an ungodly hour, I stomped into the fortified house and headed straight for the kitchen. I was so focussed on getting coffee that I didn't watch where I was going and bumped into an inflexible chest that had appeared out of nowhere.

Two hands grabbed my shoulders when I staggered backwards and I looked up in familiar grey eyes.

_Just what I need. Some god must really hate me. _

"Watch it," Sirius said and frowned. "You all right?" Apparently he thought that shouldn't have come out of his mouth, because he clenched his jaw and dropped his hands as if he had burned himself on me.

"Peachy," I snapped and brushed past him. I began making some coffee for myself.

Sirius cleared his throat. "I've already made coffee," he said.

I jumped, I didn't know he was still there. I made a vague sound and grabbed a mug, pouring the ambrosia-like liquid into it. It was still very quiet and I realised Sirius and I were the only ones here yet. Suppressing a groan, I turned around and leaned against the kitchen sink, bracing myself.

Sirius turned around and walked out of the kitchen. I sighed in relief. Feeling like a coward, I lingered in the kitchen until some of the other members had arrived. Remus came from the living room and stopped when he saw me still leaning against the sink, raising an eyebrow. _Bugger, I wish that man wasn't so damn observant. _

"Enjoying yourself?" he asked. "All alone in the kitchen?"

"Very much," I answered with a blank face. _Does he think he can get something out of me regarding that grey-eyed arse in the living room?_ Perhaps he was forgetting who he was talking to. I would just use my Occlumency against him.

Remus snorted and magicked a kettle on the fire to make some tea.

Fabian strolled inside and mumbled a hello, his nose buried in a piece of parchment.

"Coffee, Fabian?" I asked.

"What?" he asked confused and looked up. "No, we don't need coffee on the Christmas party, do we?"

"I meant right now," I answered dryly. "What are you reading anyway?"

"Yes, coffee would be nice. I'm going over the booze list for the Christmas party. You are coming, aren't you? Everybody is coming. Well, almost everybody, but -- "

"Yes, Fab, I'm coming," I quickly interrupted him and handed him a mug of coffee. "So, why do you need a booze list?"

Fabian gave me an incredulous look. "You think I can remember all those mad Muggle-drinks?"

"Oh," I said interested, "you're getting Muggle drinks? I drank tiq -- taqui -- tequila once in a Muggle club. It was great. You had to lick salt from your hand, drink the tequila, and suck on a lemon. It was so much fun." I then remembered who I drank it with and my face darkened.

"What's wrong?" Fabian asked.

"Nothing," I mumbled. "Just had a hangover after that."

"Sure you had," Remus said and gave me a look that told me he knew exactly what had been on my mind.

"Sounds like fun, though," Fabian pondered. "How do you spell it?"

We bent over the list and I recognized only a few drinks beside Firewhiskey and Butterbeer.

"Fabian! I forgot one," Sirius called from the living room and walked in. "You should get tequila. We could feed it to McGonagall and Dumbledore and see what happens."

"Tequila, eh?" Fabian said thoughtfully and glanced at me. "I see."

I kicked his ankle, but the bloody redhead didn't move a muscle. "Niamh thought it was a good idea too, but she didn't know how to spell it. Enlighten us," he said with a smirk.

Sirius's eyes darted to mine for a moment. I averted them and paid attention to nothing but my coffee, keeping my face blank. He bent over Fabian's parchment, so I quickly moved out of the kitchen, pretending not to hear Remus's annoyed sigh.

* * *

Ten minutes later the meeting began and Dumbledore immediately turned to me. "How are you, Niamh?" 

"I'm okay," I said. "It was surprisingly tame, actually."

"What was?" Remus asked. "Did you get…"

"Yeah," I interrupted him, "I was initiated." I turned to Dumbledore again. "The Death Eaters are marked with the Dark Mark. It was burned into my skin, but an hour or so later, it had almost disappeared. I think they are being summoned through this mark, but I'm not sure, because I haven't been summoned yet."

Dumbledore nodded. "That sounds like the Protean Charm, but Voldemort must have altered the charm to have the mark concealed. Using it on human skin," he muttered. "Unheard of."

"It wasn't pleasant," I agreed. I pretended not to see Remus and Lily's pitying look.

"Tell me about the initiation," Dumbledore asked.

"It was short," I answered, still a little surprised about that. "Only the Death Eaters that I already know were present, not even all of them. I don't understand. I thought I would meet all the other Death Eaters."

"What…" Marlene McKinnon began hesitantly. "What's he like? You-Know-Who?"

The room fell deadly silent. I paused. How could I describe him? "He's very tall and thin. White. His face… You can see that he is human, but at the same time there is…" I stopped and frowned. "It's like there is something else behind his face, something that shines through. Something not natural. You can see it most clearly in his eyes. They seem to have a red glow to them."

The others stared in fascination at me. I continued, "Everything that he says drips with cruelty and ruthlessness, even when he pretends to be cordial. The very sound of his voice makes your hair stand on edge. He relishes in your fear and expects full obedience and servitude. He is truly like a lord and the Death Eaters are his servants." I shuddered, suddenly feeling cold.

"Thank you," Dumbledore said. "This type of information is extremely useful as well, for it will help us understand more about him."

I nodded. "There's one more thing. I was not the only one initiated that night."

Everybody sat up straight. "Who was it?" Dumbledore wanted to know.

I glanced at James and Sirius. "Severus Snape," I answered.

They jumped simultaneously from their seats, shouting, "WHAT!"

James gritted his teeth. "I knew it. I knew it from the first time I saw that slimy git."

Sirius stared at me, fists clenched and a burning light in his eyes that spilled with hatred. Dumbledore's heavy sigh made me look away and watch my former Headmaster.

"Don't tell me you hadn't expected this, sir," James sputtered.

"Expected, perhaps, but one may hope, James," Dumbledore answered. "One may hope."

* * *

Niamh!" Lily called after me when I left Headquarters. 

I turned around. "What's wrong, Lily?"

"Are you sure you're all right?" she asked concerned.

I smiled. "I'm fine. You don't have to worry."

"Look, I know I shouldn't interfere and James thinks that it's better this way, but that's just because he and Sirius agree on pretty much everything and this is another perfect example where James just blindly agrees with Sirius no matter how obvious -- "

"Lily, calm down," I interrupted her. "Does this speech have a point, because I'm rather late for work and…"

"Don't give me that crap, Niamh," Lily snapped. "You just want to get away because I started talking about Sirius."

"That's nonsense," I said blankly.

Lily made an incredulous sound. "I'm not blind. I can see what it's doing to you. And to him! I'm worried about you, Niamh."

I smiled. "You're a darling, Lily. But you don't have to worry. James is right, it's better this way. Well, I have to go now. I'll see you on Fabian's party. Bye."

I left Lily standing on the porch and hurried off.

* * *

Let me know what you think! 


	26. Another Christmas

**SexeiAlexeiGurl:** Thanks a lot! I know what you mean. My mid-terms are next week. Bah! Yes, we haven't seen the last of Lana yet ;)

**DollFace080:** Thank you :D I'm very flattered. I can't tell you whether I agree with you or not, because then I would be giving away part of the story... ;) Good observation about Niamh and Evan, btw, that will be explained later.

**darklady5289:** Sorry! Well, this update is pretty fast, it's only thursday. I agree, they both could've invented the word stubborn... Hope you like the next chapter!

**hpandfriendsruletheworld:** Thanks! I can promise you that. We all know what will happen to Sirius (grits teeth) and Niamh is still alive to tell the story... Here's the update!

**Kurama-forever:** Thank you!I hope you like the next chapter.

**Messr-Paddifoots-love:** That's just Sirius ;) Niamh was forced to mature all at once and really quickly, and Sirius... well, don't want to give away the story ;) Anyhow, thanks and here's another chapter.

**Wendela400: **Thanks! Another chapter for you.

**

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**Another Christmas**

**Sirius's place**

Remus stood in the kitchen preparing dinner for himself and Sirius, who had just returned from his guarding duties.

"Smells good, Moony," Sirius said when he entered the kitchen, sniffing the air. He threw the towel he had been drying his hair with on a chair and planted himself on the table. "Ugh, I can't believe I'll have to guard Dangerley at Christmas. Dorcas has it in for me, I'm telling you."

Remus grinned at the thought of Dorcas Meadowes going out of her way to make Sirius miserable. The formidable witch, who trained Aurors at the Ministry on a daily basis, had such a strong sense of justice that she would ask Voldemort himself to play fair.

"You know she doesn't," Remus soothed. "She just thinks that you should be more serious. And don't even think about making another name pun."

"I wasn't!" Sirius protested.

"Sure you weren't."

"She completely fawns over Frank, just because he is training to be an Auror. That's why he doesn't have guard duty."

"I thought you wanted to go into Auror training as well?"

"I do. And I will. But in the mean time I'm not actually _in_ Auror training yet, which means that I'm a worthless piece of wizard that has to guard Dangerley at Christmas, according to Dorcas."

"Worthless, maybe," Remus grinned, ducking a cuff from his friend, "but no one will deny that you've got a great feel of drama."

What drama? I'm just stating the facts here, Moony. She hates me."

"Yeah, yeah. Hand me a saucepan, will you?"

"I have a saucepan?"

"Yes," Remus groaned. "In that cupboard." He waved his wand at the mentioned object and its door sprang open.

"So, Moony, enlighten me. What exactly is a saucepan?" Sirius asked cheerfully, standing in front of his cupboard with his hands on his hips.

"Never mind." Remus pushed his friend aside, rummaged through the cupboard and got out what he wanted.

When dinner was ready twenty minutes later, Sirius slid from the table from where he had been annoying his friend and took a seat. Remus magicked plates and glasses to the table and sat down.

"When do you think James is going to ask her?" he asked.

"Ask who?" Sirius frowned.

"Lily."

"To do what?"

"To marry him of course, you idiot," Remus groaned.

"Oh, that. When he's drunk enough, I guess. I would need tons of Firewhisky to ask Lily to marry me. She'd kill me." Sirius shuddered.

"I don't think she'll kill James, Sirius."

"Let's hope not, for Prongs's sake." A distant look appeared in Sirius's eyes. "Do you think I should talk to him? Give him some advice? Perhaps a little nudge in the right direction? After all, it's been a month since he dragged us to that jeweller."

"Just be careful. You don't want to scare him off."

"Of course I won't. Sirius Black, marriage counsellor extraordinaire. I like it." He got up and walked to the fireplace, grabbed some Floo powder and threw it into the fire, shouting, "Potter Mansion!" He stepped into the emerald flames and disappeared.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Now they'll never get married."

* * *

**Malfoy Manor, a week later**

"Niamh, darling!" Narcissa exclaimed. "You look great."

"Thanks, Cissy," I smiled. "That dress looks perfect on you."

"Thank you," she giggled. "You look great too, Evan."

"Thank Merlin," Evan grinned. "I was beginning to feel left out."

"I'll talk to you later," I promised Narcissa. The Malfoys always invited loads of people to their Christmas Ball and Evan probably wanted to greet _all_ of them, so we walked on. Evan had his arm around my waist and I leaned into him, catching the adoring looks of older witches.

My pale blue dress tinkled softly with each step I took. Countless beads had been sewed onto it. White gloves made of silk covered my hands and arms and a diamond necklace – a gift from Evan – finished my outfit.

"Evan!" Cornelius Fudge said cordially when he saw us.

"Minister," Evan nodded.

"And that wonderful fiancée of yours," Fudge added, shaking my hand. "Delighted to see you again, Miss Carden."

"Happy Christmas, Minister," I smiled.

"Surely I'll see you on the New Year's Ball. My wife would hex me if I didn't ensure that you were coming."

"We wouldn't miss it for the world," Evan said politely.

"So, Evan, how is that business of yours?"

I suppressed a sigh. _Great. Business talk._ I couldn't leave Evan yet, we had only just arrived. I put on an interested face and pretended to listen.

Christmas Eve had been a success. I repressed a cynical snort. "Just a small group of family," my mother had said when I asked how many people would be there. It turned out my mother had invited both sides of the family – the Cardens and the Lestranges – plus the Malfoys, the Rosiers and the Zabinis. I wondered why the Zabinis had been invited; they were only distantly related. It was all cleared up when the table setting revealed that Deirdre was placed next to the youngest Zabini, Orion. He was a year older than my sister and taking his NEWTs this year. His mother was a Black, hence the naming after a constellation.

I watched my sister's face closely that evening. Whether she realised that she was being set up with Orion or not, it did not show on her face. She was polite and charming, entertaining but modest; in short, she was everything a well brought-up witch should be. Later that night I had managed to speak to Deirdre alone. I asked her what she thought of Mother's matchmaking. "Orion is a great catch," she had said. "He's rich, a pure-blood, and not bad-looking either."

"And that's enough for you?" I asked, unable to stop myself from sounding incredulous.

"What are you talking about?" Deirdre frowned. "Look at you and Evan. It's the same. It's how it's always done."

_Me and Evan. _

I smiled. "I'm sorry. I just want my sister to be happy."

Deirdre laughed. "Of course I'm happy. Orion is very suitable. And you are very sweet."

I managed to keep the smile on my face. My sister, a pure-blood through and through.

I snapped out of my reverie when Evan whispered something entirely inappropriate in my ear. "Evan!" I scolded him. Fortunately the Minister had already begun talking to someone else. "I really don't appreciate that suggestion. I am not sneaking off with you."

Evan chuckled and squeezed my waist. I used Occlumency to block my feelings. Evan was a lot easier to deal with when I could hide behind the walls I had created. There was barely a moment left when I didn't use the Occlumency techniques. At least then I could control the hate, grief, fear… and the memories. When I used Occlumency I didn't have to feel and I craved for that lack of pain.

I glanced at Evan. Lana's voice spoke in my mind. "At least you've got yourself a bloody sexy man…" I supposed she was right. I figured my engagement would have been even lesser pleasant when he wasn't so attractive. When I pushed my knowledge of his character away, I could see why quite a few witches envied me. Evan was an exceptionally charming wizard when he chose to be. With an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach I realised that this made him even more dangerous.

Evan gave me a little nudge and we walked along to greet other people.

* * *

**Dangerley Hall, Christmas**

Sirius had just finished his round through the elegant mansion and returned to the parlour room where the family were celebrating Christmas. Lady Dangerley had invited him to join the festivities – however small those were – because she would not have him and the others spend their Christmas merely guarding the house.

Elizabeth and her husband Nathaniel Dangerley had accepted the existence of the Wizarding world with surprising ease. Their seventeen-year-old daughter Annabelle had more difficulty being so compliant. The restrictions that were placed upon her social life had caused quite a few rows between her and her parents.

The Order members had caught her sneaking out on several occasions. She didn't seem to understand that she could not evade the magical alarms that they had set around the house. After Sirius had given up being polite to the spoilt brat and gave her a piece of his mind, she had somewhat adjusted her attitude and apologized to her parents for endangering them and herself.

She had also begun looking at Sirius with fascination. Sirius, not one to disregard feminine beauty, had noticed the attractive blonde from day one.

She looked up at him with a smile when he entered the parlour room. Sirius smiled back and told Gideon and Sturgis that everything was quiet. They had had a small dinner earlier and were now sitting leisurely in the comfortable armchairs. Annabelle patted the empty spot next to her on the sofa to invite Sirius to sit with her.

Gideon raised an eyebrow when Sirius did so and Annabelle snuggled a little closer to him. It seemed things were beyond repair between Sirius and Niamh then.

The remainder of the evening was spent in pleasant conversation. It was late when Annabelle declared she wanted to go to bed. Sirius got up to walk her to her room. They walked next to each other in silence.

"Thank you," Annabelle said softly when they had stopped at her door and Sirius had searched her room.

"You're welcome. Goodnight," he replied and turned around.

"Sirius?" Annabelle said quickly. He turned back. "How long do you think it will take for things to go back to normal?"

Sirius looked at the girl. She was tall, only a few inches shorter than him. Her brown eyes shone with fear in the soft light. He stepped closer to her. "I don't know," he said honestly, "but you're well-protected here."

Annabelle gave him a tiny smile. Sirius surprised himself by cupping her cheek with his hand for a moment. "Get some sleep."

She moved closer to him, pressing her cheek against his hand. Sirius's eyes dropped from hers to her mouth. He leaned in and brushed his lips against hers. Annabelle sighed and put her arms around his neck. Sirius didn't pull back, but instead kissed her more urgently. He was surprised by Annabelle when she slid her tongue past his lips and deepened the kiss. With one hand he searched for the doorknob while keeping her close with the other. The door opened and they stumbled inside, heading for the bed.

* * *

**Gideon and Fabian's Christmas party**

Two days after Christmas Sirius walked to the front door of Headquarters. Fabian opened the door and pulled him inside. "You were right!" he grinned happily. "The tequila was a great idea."

Sirius gaped at him. "You mean McGonagall and Dumbledore…"

"No, no, not them…" Fabian's voice faltered and he scrunched up his face. "Merlin's nuts, I just had the most horrible image of…" He shuddered.

Sirius chuckled. "Then who are you talking about?"

Fabian flashed him a wide grin. "Emmeline and Sturgis."

"Emmeline!" Sirius choked. "You got _Emmeline Vance_ to drink tequila?" The stately witch was beautiful, but also notorious for being unable to loosen up. "Ah, Fabian. You're my hero!" Sirius laughed.

They quickly entered the party and Sirius grinned like a Cheshire cat when he saw Emmeline and Sturgis snuggle up to each other. The room was filled with people. Dumbledore sat in an armchair in bright red robes adorned with little green Christmas trees. Minerva sat beside him with an expression on her face that said she didn't know whether to disapprove of or be amused by the antics of the wizards and witches around her.

Gideon had bewitched James's head so that little fairies flew in circles around it, singing Christmas songs in squeaky high-pitched voices. Remus and Peter took turns in trying to charm Gideon's robes pink in revenge.

Peter waved enthusiastically at Sirius when he saw him enter and sent sparks flying all over the room. James quickly extinguished the little flames on his robes. "Someone should take your wand, Wormtail. You're a danger to wizardkind," he said, shaking his head. The fairies around his head squealed in excitement.

Peter looked abashed. Lily said dryly, "I wouldn't listen to someone who has a dozen fairies flying around his head."

"Hullo, Lily, Moony, Wormtail, Fairy," Sirius grinned. "How are you?"

James glared at him.

Gideon strolled by. "Sirius, drink?"

"Of course," Sirius grinned and accepted the bottle he was given.

"Did you survive Dangerley at Christmas?" James asked.

"It wasn't bad," Sirius shrugged.

Gideon snorted. "Right. Don't let Annabelle Dangerley hear that."

"What?" Remus frowned.

"Our friend here and the young lady Dangerley celebrated Christmas in their own way, if you know what I mean," Gideon grinned.

Peter's jaw dropped. "Annabelle Dangerley?" he asked loudly. "Tall, blonde, bleedin' hot Annabelle Dangerley? You slept with her, Padfoot?"

"Jesus, Peter, shut up," Lily snapped. Niamh stood only a few feet away from them, talking to Caradoc Dearborn. She had turned her head to look at the Marauders when Peter spoke up. Her face was completely blank. After a moment she turned back and resumed her conversation with Caradoc, who gave her a scrutinizing look. Nothing but a faint, friendly smile showed on her face, however.

Remus managed to speak to her alone half an hour later. "Niamh, I'm so sorry."

Niamh blinked. "For what, Remus?"

"About what Peter said…"

Niamh shook her head. "That's none of my business, Remus."

Remus shot her an disbelieving look. "Of course it's your business. It must've hurt when you heard it."

"It's not. And it didn't hurt. By the way, I meant to ask you, how are the translations going?"

Niamh's voice was void of any emotion. It was as if he was talking to a stranger. Remus sighed. "It's difficult, but I'm making progress. Mundungus got me an ancient scroll that's been very helpful. I don't even want to know how he got it."

"That's good to hear," Niamh smiled. "Excuse me, I have to talk to Mad-Eye."

Lily joined Remus when he was still staring befuddled at Niamh's back. "There's something wrong with her," he sighed.

"Yes, obviously. Something would be wrong with me too if that happened to me. I could kill Peter, you know," Lily growled. "And Sirius too. And James. And Gideon."

"I see what you mean, but that's not what I'm talking about."

Lily looked curiously at the werewolf. "What do you mean then?"

"She's different. Cold. She's so distant she could be on another continent."

"Yes," Lily agreed. "I noticed that too. She's been that way for a while now."

"It's as if there's a wall of ice in front of her. I can't get through. Merlin, I'm not even sure she hears what I'm saying."

"It's the Occlumency," a voice said behind them. Both turned around in surprise. "She uses her Occlumency skills to hide from the pain she's suffering," Dumbledore explained.

"From Sirius?" Remus asked angrily.

"Yes, as well as from being a Death Eater."

"Isn't that dangerous?" Remus asked worried.

"No, if anything, it will make her an even better spy. However, the cost is high."

"Can't you help her?" Lily asked.

"No, Lily," Dumbledore said. "This is something she'll have to see for herself. What I would like to ask of you is to be near her when it's time to pick up the pieces." Dumbledore nodded at them and walked on.


	27. Battle

**Author's note:** I'm in a terrible hurry, so I don't have time to answer all the reviews personally. Very sorry, I'll make it up to you next time, but have to leave in 5 minutes and I wanted to post this before I leave. DollFace080, SexeiAlexeiGurl, Katy, Darklady5289, Messr-Paddifoots-love,hpandfriendsruletheworld, Wendela400 and MsPadfootVerona, wonderful reviews as usual! You always make me smile and keep me going :) Hope you like the next chapter!

p.s. Am I sensing a little anger towards Sirius here and there...?

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Battle

_Well, at least Lily doesn't have to worry about me losing weight anymore_, I thought, patting my stomach. All the food at the Christmas parties had taken care of that. Speaking of Christmas parties…

Annabelle Dangerley.

I was surprised at my own Occlumency skills at Gideon and Fabian's party. I had not tortured or killed anybody in rage. A sarcastic little voice told me I should be proud of myself. Nobody had noticed that single comment from Peter had hit me with incredible force. And now, while being protected by Occlumency, it didn't even hurt. Everything was hidden under a thick blanket.

I stretched lazily on my couch and put my book on the floor. Though using Occlumency permanently had many advantages, it seemed that I had lost my love for reading. I couldn't sympathise with the characters or envision the settings anymore. I sure was glad to have a night alone. The New Year's reception at the Lestranges' had been two days ago, the last in a long parade of parties and dinners.

Since my initiation I had been summoned twice. The Mark would burn black when the Dark Lord wanted his Death Eaters with him. There had been talk of attacking members of the Wizengamot during these meetings.

The Dark Lord's plans to rule the wizarding world had thus moved to a different level. Up to now only Muggles and Muggleborns had been attacked. Now Voldemort had decided it was time to take out those who opposed him no matter what bloodline they were from. The Dark Lord's fierce hatred of Dumbledore had brought him to the decision to attack members of the Wizengamot, as Dumbledore was a respectable member of the organisation and had many friends there.

I had warned Dumbledore about the pending decision on who would be attacked. He had ensured me the Ministry had taken extra caution to protect the Wizengamot. Bartemius Crouch, Head of the Magical Law Enforcement Department, would do everything he could.

The Wizengamot consisted of fifty witches and wizards, often elderly and always highly respected in the wizarding world. Though not as powerful as the Law Council, the Wizengamot still had a lot of influence and prestige. An attack on the members would come as a huge shock to wizarding society.

I got up from my couch to make myself a drink. I had just put the kettle on the stove when I felt an uncomfortable tingle in my arm. I sighed and waited for the Mark to burn black, gritting my teeth against the pain. I drew my wand and pointed it to my bedroom. "_Accio_ cloak! _Accio _mask!" After I had turned myself into a Death Eater I Disapparated to the graveyard and took my place in the circle.

"My Death Eaters," the Dark Lord greeted us. We sank to our knees, bowing our heads. Voldemort waited until we had all kissed his robes. "Lothair and Griselda Marchbanks."

I recognized the names. An elderly couple, both in the Wizengamot. Lothair was a pure-blood, but known for his averse against Voldemort. His wife, Griselda, was a half-blood.

"Mulciber?" the Dark Lord said.

A Death Eater stepped forward. I fixed the name in my memory. Mulciber's deep voice spoke, "I placed their gardener under the Imperius Curse and forced him to tell me details about the house. Their bedroom is on the second floor, first door on the right. They always go to bed at nine thirty. Lothair has placed magical alarms around the house, though nothing uncommon."

"You've done well, Mulciber. You may go," the Dark Lord hissed.

Mulciber bowed deeply and Disapparated. I looked around the circle where everyone had their own place. Only eight others were present. It was the usual group I was with. Lucius, Evan, Rowan, Severus, Bellatrix, Rodolphus, Rabastan, Patrick McDougall – a school friend of my brother's – and my twenty-three years old cousin Naoise Carden. I had found out he was a Death Eater too only a few days ago, though I had to admit it did not surprise me. Naoise was almost a reincarnation of my dark ancestors.

"You will carry out my orders. The Marchbankses die tonight. Lucius, you're in charge. Don't disappoint me." Voldemort's voice held a deadly threat.

"Never, master," Lucius said.

"Go."

One by one the Death Eaters Disapparated, after bowing to their master. So did I. I Apparated to my apartment, quickly sent a message to Dumbledore through my Patronus, and Apparated to the Marchbanks' house.

Dumbledore would alert Crouch and the Aurors, who no doubt were already standing by.

The group of Death Eaters moved closer to the house, after Naoise had opened the gate with a flick of his wand. No magical alarms were set off, but just because we couldn't hear them, didn't mean they weren't there. With caution we walked to the front of the door.

Lucius beckoned me and Rowan to do a search for alarms around the door, while two others examined the windows. Attacking wizards was an entirely different matter from attacking Muggles. Rowan and I found two alarms and disabled them with a simple Confundus Charm. It was obvious wizards did not expect to be attacked.

Lucius went through the front door first. The stairs were on the right and he motioned us to get inside. "Rabastan, Severus, guard the door," Lucius hissed. "Naoise, kill the gardener. The rest of you go upstairs with me."

The cracking sounds of Apparating wizards filled the otherwise silent hall. Nine Aurors had materialised around us. "Drop your wands!" a female voice demanded harshly.

It was Dorcas Meadowes. I stared incredulously at the witch. Only she would give Death Eaters a chance to surrender. Not that any of them would take it. They had started casting spells and curses the moment she opened her mouth. I quickly regained my wits when I had to duck from a Stunning Spell from an Auror. I returned the favour and was rewarded with a loud thump when the Auror dropped to the floor.

"Get upstairs!" Lucius shouted. "Kill them."

Conjuring up a shield I made a run for the stairs, followed by Bellatrix and Evan.

"GET THEM!" an Auror roared.

I sped up and was about to jump on the stairs when I flew forward and hit my forehead on a step. "DAMN IT!" I shouted, feeling blood trickle down my face under the mask. A simple Trip Jinx. Shields didn't protect you from that.

Evan yanked me to my feet just before an Impedimenta Jinx hit me. Instead it chipped a piece of wood from the stairs. We ran upstairs.

Bellatrix blasted the bedroom door to smithereens and dashed inside, only to be blasted back outside by a Stunning Spell. Four more Aurors waited for us in the bedroom with Lothair Marchbanks. There was no sign of Griselda. She was safe, but it seemed Lothair had refused to leave.

"_Inverto_!" I yelled when an Auror aimed a bright blue flash at me. It bounced back and hit the Auror in the chest. He sank to the ground in an unconscious heap of clothes and limbs.

"Back away," Evan growled. I walked backwards out of the room, keeping the shield in front of me. Evan moved behind my shield and pointed his wand at Bellatrix. "_Enervate_!"

Bellatrix's eyes fluttered open and she scrambled to her feet. The Aurors and Marchbanks moved in on us, looking for a way around the shield.

"We have to get back downstairs, tell the others and get out. Too many Aurors to get to Lothair and Griselda is already gone," I hissed at my cousin by marriage.

"Not before I take down at least one Auror," she growled back, her eyes glinting maniacally behind the mask.

The sounds of the battle downstairs grew louder and multicoloured flashes reached our eyes. The Aurors' eyes were fixed on us in concentration.

Bellatrix chuckled. "What's the matter? Can't get around a simple shield?" Suddenly she pushed me aside and made a slashing move with her wand. Blood red light flew from the tip and hit the Auror who was in front. Choking and coughing he fell to the ground. He did not get up.

Bellatrix's shove had made me drop my shield and the other Aurors tried to Stun us immediately. I ducked and ran down the stairs.

I recognized Naoise and Rowan, being the tallest of the Death Eaters. They were duelling three Aurors, covering each other's back. The spells they fired and evaded followed each other so quickly they were surrounded by a blur of light.

Severus and Rabastan were still at the door, keeping the entrance free from the advancing Aurors. "Watch out, they're using Anti-Apparition Spells!" Severus yelled at me. I nodded my thanks and blasted an Auror off his feet. The idiot had turned his back on me.

The attack turned into chaos. Lucius was intent on taking out as much Aurors as he could as well as try to get to Lothair before telling the Dark Lord he had failed to kill at least one Marchbanks. His punishment would not be light. Soon it was impossible to see who fired spells at who. They were coming from all sides. An Auror lay on his back, eyes closed and blood slowly dripping from his mouth. I could not see if he was dead. I had lost sight of Dorcas as well.

I screamed in shock when pain erupted from my shoulder. Some sort of curse had burned my robes and skin, leaving a raw and bloody mess. I could not hold back a whimper when I looked at the horrible wound, swaying as the pain flooded me.

"On your feet," a Death Eater hissed and grabbed my good arm. I had not even noticed I had fallen to my knees. "Can you fight?" Naoise asked.

"Yes. It's not my wand arm." But Merlin, the pain was killing me. Naoise grumbled and muttered a spell to numb the pain. "Thanks."

Naoise had already disappeared into the battle, which he revelled in. I leaned against the wall for a moment and spotted Dorcas that second. She sent a golden string of light at her opponent that wrapped itself around him. The Death Eater roared in protest and broke free. He knocked her off her feet with a nasty Crush Curse, which could break a full-grown man's ribs and spine when properly aimed.

Fortunately for Dorcas the Dark Curse only grazed her, because the Death Eater had to defend himself from another Auror. Nevertheless, she cried out in pain and staggered backwards. The Death Eater was Stupefied. The Auror turned to Dorcas, yelling furiously at her. "Do it! Give the order. Crouch has given you permission."

"No!" Dorcas snapped.

"They've already killed Jones. Don't make me overrule you in this, Cassie."

"It'll make us the same as them!" Dorcas growled.

Before I had time to decipher what that was about a curse hit the wall next to my head. I jumped aside, shielding myself from any following curses.

"_REDUCTO_!" the attacking Auror roared and my shield broke apart in tiny pieces.

"_Fervefacio_!" I immediately shouted. The blonde Auror screamed when his body began to heat up. The Curse was not lethal, but incredibly painful to endure.

"_Finite incantatem_!" another Auror roared and she immediately sent a Stunning Spell at me. My Invertio Charm bounced the spell back, but she evaded it.

"_Crucio_!" Evan roared to my right. A third Auror fell writhing to floor, screaming in agony. "Watch your back!" Evan shouted at me.

I jerked my head back to the Auror I was fighting. "_Incretio_!" Black smoke coiled around her arm when it began to shrivel up. In shock and disgust she dropped her wand. Foolish woman. "_Stupefy_!" I roared, but Evan was quicker. A bright green flash hit the female Auror and she fell to the ground, instantly dead.

"Come on, we're leaving! Lucius killed Lothair." Evan shouted. "We have to get out of the house. They've put Anti-Apparition protection on it." Defending ourselves from the outraged Aurors we slowly began to retreat to the front door, still guarded by Severus and Rabastan.

Rowan appeared on my other side. "You all right?" he asked, looking at my shoulder. I nodded. "Just hold on a little longer. We'll get them next time," Rowan growled.

I didn't answer. My eyes fell on the Auror that had been shouting at Dorcas earlier. His face was contorted in hatred when he pointed his wand at my brother. I saw him move his lips. The moment I recognized the Curse I screamed. "Rowan, duck!"

Rowan looked away from the Auror he'd been jinxing. His eyes widened when he noticed the incoming curse. He flew backwards, hit square in the chest by all too familiar green light. I cried out in shock and dropped to my knees, looking in vain for a pulse.

It refused to sink in that the Auror had used Avada Kedavra on my brother. My hands searched frantically for a sign of life. Rowan couldn't be dead, he was my brother. I trembled uncontrollably and pain, hatred, and nausea suddenly washed over me. The Occlumency walls were down.

_God, it hurts… _I groaned in pain, still trying to find a pulse that I knew wasn't there. I doubled over in agony. "Please, Rowan," I choked. "Please." My brother didn't move.

My head shot up to look for the Auror. Something snapped when I saw his triumphant face. Hissing furiously, I grabbed my wand and scrambled to my feet.

"Leave it. He's dead," Evan said, trying to hold me back. I shook him off and giving a loud cry of rage I stormed at the Auror.

* * *

**Headquarters**

Sirius yawned widely. He would never get used to early morning meetings. There were a few other members, looking as awake as he was. Except Remus of course, who was a morning person and annoyingly cheerful in the morning. The meeting was supposed to start at seven, but at twenty past seven Dumbledore still had not begun, looking increasingly worried.

"What's going on, Albus?" Corbin Morton asked concerned.

"Niamh was summoned last night. She managed to send me a message that the Marchbankses would be attacked that night. I passed the information to Dorcas, who was on duty with her Aurors. Niamh was supposed to come in to report today, but I have not heard a word from her. Nor from Dorcas."

Sirius's stomach turned into a tight knot. If something had happened to her… He felt immensely guilty.

Not that she would care that he felt guilty. Merlin, if only she was all right so that she _could_ not care. He couldn't blame her after Annabelle Dangerley. It had taken him only five minutes to realise it was Niamh he was seeing in front of him, not Annabelle. Niamh he wanted in his arms. Niamh who sat next to him and smiled at him and talked to him. Red-haired, blue-eyed, tiny, curvy, stubborn Niamh.

Why the hell he didn't deny Peter's statement immediately he didn't know. Possibly because he wanted to hurt her, after looking at her impassive face. He rested his head in his hands, trying to calm himself. There was no need to overreact. She could have just overslept.

That moment Frank Longbottom burst in. "Albus, Dorcas is in St Mungo's. Unconscious as of yet. There was an attack on members of the Wizengamot last night. Four Aurors are dead. And three Death Eaters. Lothair Marchbanks is dead too. Nothing more is known yet. It's chaos at the Ministry."

"Four Aurors!" Lily gasped. "Have we heard from Gideon and Fabian yet?" she continued with a panicked edge to her voice. The Prewett twins were both Aurors.

James placed a soothing arm around her shoulders. Sirius looked at her. "Gideon was at Dangerley last night. Yesterday was Fabian's only night off. He couldn't have been at the raid."

Lily sighed in relief, but began worrying again. "What's keeping Niamh so long?"

Sirius put his head in his hands again, beginning to feel desperate. Three Death Eaters dead. And not a word from Niamh. She was never late. Grumpy, muttering about ridiculously early meetings, and looking sleepy, yes, but she was always on time. His heart pounded loudly in his chest in fear.

He jumped from his chair when the door opened. Mundungus Fletcher stared in surprise at the anxious people in the room. "G'mornin' to you too."

"Merlin's beard, Dung," Remus sighed, plummeting in his chair again.

"Wha's goin' on?" Mundungus asked suspiciously. "I reckon this go' somefing to do with las' nigh', don' it? Word on the stree' is tha' there's been a massive figh'."

"What do you know?" Dumbledore asked.

"Nothin' much. I ain't no Rita Skeeter. I jus' know tha' lots of wizards go' killed," Mundungus shrugged.

A soft moan left Lily's mouth and she gripped James' hand tightly. James was only in his first year of Auror training and could not be send on missions yet, but the thought that it could have been James terrified her.

"Rita Skeeter," Remus breathed. "Has anyone read the Daily Prophet yet?" Everyone shook their heads.

Dumbledore stood. "I will go to the Ministry to see what I can find out." He disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

"I'll get a paper," Caradoc said and bolted out of the house so he could Apparate to his home. Two minutes later he was back. He dashed over to the table and smoothened the paper.

Sirius got up and stood beside him, the feeling of dread swimming in his chest. There it was. Front page.

**DEATH EATER ATTACK ON WIZENGAMOT**

_Last night a large group of Death Eaters attacked Lothair and Griselda Marchbanks, both respectable members of the Wizengamot. Aurors were there in time to help Griselda escape, but Lothair stayed to fight the servants of You-Know-Who and was hit by the killing curse while defending his house.  
In the fight that ensued four Aurors were killed in action. To this point it is not clear who they are. Several other Aurors have been taken to St Mungo's, but an anonymous Healer from the hospital tells that they are recovering quickly.  
__The Aurors fought bravely and have taken out three Death Eaters. They were killed in the fight by killing curses. This information indicates that Bartemius Crouch, Head of the Magical Law Enforcement Department, has made the important decision to fight Death Eaters with their own weapons. "We need to do everything we can to protect wizards and witches," was his response when asked. Unfortunately the identity of the Death Eaters is not yet known, but a reliable source has informed us that at least two members of the influential Carden family are involved. The third Death Eater remains unidentified, but…_

"Two members of the Carden family…" Caradoc whispered. "That can only mean…"

An anguished groan came from Sirius and he tore his eyes from the paper. "She's not dead," he said, walking backwards from the paper.

"Sirius…" James began.

Sirius backed away from him and looked at Remus, who was staring wide-eyed at the paper as if he could not believe what he was reading. Lily clasped her hand in front of her mouth to stop her sobs and turned away from the paper.

"I'm sorry, Padfoot," James said softly, enveloping Lily in his arms.

"SHE'S NOT DEAD!" he screamed.

Lily's sobs grew louder. Sirius raked his hands through his hair in panic, not knowing what to do. He felt his insides squirming in dread and terror. His eyes flew from James to Lily to Peter and finally to Remus. They all seemed to be in shock.

"We have to wait for Dumbledore. We don't even know if it's true," Remus said seemingly calmly, but the way he leaned on the table for support gave him away.

Sirius stared disbelievingly at his best friend. Wait? How the hell was he supposed to _wait_? Without a word he turned around and ran out of the door.

Sirius, wait!" James shouted. "Where is he going?" he asked, turning his head to look at Remus and Peter.

Remus was silent for a moment. "Her flat. He's going to her place. Come on," he then said. The three Marauders stormed out of Headquarters.

Sirius had Apparated to Niamh's apartment and was now running up the stairs to the fourth floor, taking three steps at once.

He pounded on her door. "NIAMH!" he bellowed. "NIAMH! OPEN THE DOOR!" There was no answer. "NIAMH! CAN YOU HEAR ME?"

"She's not here, Padfoot," Remus said softly, his throat tightening at the sight of his distraught friend.

Sirius leaned his head against the door. "She's not dead. She can't be dead," he repeated to himself. "This is not happening. She just can't be dead." He took a step back and looked at his friends, who stood helplessly by his side.

Remus's heart cringed when he saw the despair written clearly over Sirius's face. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

Sirius clenched his jaw. "No!" he said decidedly and resumed his pounding on the door. "NIAMH! OPEN THE GODDAMNED DOOR NOW!"

Still no answer. With a snarl Sirius drew a knife from his pocket and began picking the lock.

"Don't you think she'll have protected her door against that?" Peter asked hesitantly.

"This knife works against all the common locking charms," Sirius growled and indeed, a minute later the door sprang open. Sirius burst inside. "NIAMH! Are you in here?"

Panic now taking over him, he searched her living room. Merlin, he could smell her. Being an Animagus had given him a keen canine-like smell. Her scent was faint; there was no one here. He dashed into the kitchen, which was also empty.

The others had followed him inside, waiting for their friend to come to his senses. He brushed past them back to the hall to look for the bedroom.

"NIAMH! Where are you? Are you in…Oh Christ!"

James, Remus, and Peter exchanged shocked looks and ran to the bedroom. Sirius stood in the middle of the room, swaying on his feet. Niamh sat on the floor, huddled against her bed and knees tucked under her chin. A black cloak lay next to her. Her shirt was torn and singed, revealing a ghastly burn on her arm and shoulder. She had several cuts on her face and her eyes were red and puffy.

Remus thought his friend was going to collapse right then and there. Sirius staggered over to her and dropped to his knees, extending a trembling hand to touch her. "You're alive," he breathed. Niamh didn't respond.

When his fingers brushed her cheek, she slowly turned her head to look at him. "Sirius?" she croaked.

"I'm sorry," Sirius choked. "I'm so sorry. Forgive me. I'm a bastard and an idiot. I thought you were dead."

Niamh's lip trembled. "He's dead. Rowan is dead. They killed him with the Unforgivable."

Sirius's hand cupped her cheek. He wiped her tears away with his thumb. "I'm sorry. I thought you were dead too. The paper said two Cardens…"

Niamh shook her head. "Naoise, my cousin. They got him too. And Patrick McDougall. They used Avada Kedavra, Sirius. Aurors used Unforgivables."

"I know. Crouch gave them permission."

"And I…" Niamh closed her eyes in horror, tears leaking from her lashes. "I was so angry. I don't know what happened. I hated them. They killed my brother. I hated them so much it hurt. And I just wanted to kill them." Niamh's voice hitched when she opened her eyes. "I killed an Auror, Sirius."

Sirius's heart sank to his shoes.

"I don't know what to do," Niamh moaned desperately. She pulled her knees even closer to her in an attempt to hide.

"Shh," Sirius soothed. "You didn't kill him. Righteous anger can't make you do an Unforgivable."

"It wasn't righteous anger," she said. "It was hate. Pure hate. I meant to hurt him and kill him. And I did." She moaned again. "It's taking me over, Sirius. They're turning me into a real Death Eater." She squeezed her eyes shut and leaned her forehead on her knees.

"No," Sirius denied, his voice breaking. "No, they're not. They can't. This is not your fault."

Niamh looked up. Her eyes were wide with fear. "Help me," she pleaded. "Please help me."

Sirius grabbed her good arm and pulled her close to his body in a tight embrace. She clung her arms around his neck and buried her face in his neck, sobbing hysterically.

"I'm sorry, Niamh," he said softly. She didn't answer, but crawled in his lap, wrapping her legs around his waist, her body shaking with sobs. Sirius moved one of his hands up to weave through her hair and tightened his other arm around her. "I'm sorry," he whispered in her hair, repeating it while slowly rocking her back and forth.

"I thought I lost you. I've been a complete fuckwit and an unbelievable bastard, but I love you. Forgive me," Sirius pleaded. "Please forgive me. You're not alone in this. Not anymore."

Niamh didn't say anything, but just held on tighter. After a moment he could feel her lips moving against his neck. "I love you."

* * *

**A/N: The unfamiliar curses come from Latin and Romanian.**


	28. Hearts

**DollFace080:** Thank you. Pfeww, glad you thought it worked how Sirius and Niamh got back together. I seemed like a big thing to a lot of people, so I wanted to get it right. Also, it's difficult to write about Niamh in trouble, because you know she will live, but I'm happy I got a little tension in that scene :D.

**SexeiAlexeiGurl:** Great coincidence about the saucepan-thing LOL. Live happily ever after?...(whistles innocently) Yes, you're right, the weather is lovely indeed...trala la. No foreshadowing anymore, but in any case, I'm not finished!

**Wendela400:** Thanks! I hope you like the next chapter.

**MsPadfootVerona:** Okay, that's it. I'm posting my thoughts on X right here. (I do have a diary, btw. I just can't remember where I put it) First of all, I am not a fan of Snape, so I don't believe in the Snape-is-a-misunderstood-hero theory. Of course, being a Sirius fan means that I am perhaps slightly biased...I hope you're not a Snape fan and hunt me down with an uzi, but since you're as much a fan of him as I am, I'll take my chances ;)  
**!Spoilers!  
!  
!  
!  
**So, did Dumbledore plan his death? I am thoroughly confused. I don't think he planned it. I do think he was prepared for it, with drinking the potion and all, but more in the way that he couldn't do it any other way. Someone had to drink that potion and if he couldn't get to Snape in time, he would die. He knew that.  
But then that filthy piece of... you know, killed him instead of helped him to get rid of the effects of the potion. Bastard. Did Dumbledore beg for his life? Hmmm, at first I didn't think so. I just didn't think Dumbledore would do that. He wouldn't beg for his life, when he was probably completely unafraid of dying. "To the organized mind death is but the next great adventure." (Philosopher's Stone) But then I read an editorial on Mugglenet that said that Dumbledore was perhaps pleading for his life. Not because he was a coward, but because he knew he wasn't finished. Giving up a defiant hero's death and appear as a coward so he could continue what he was doing. That makes sense too. Dumbledore has never cared about what people think of him and would he really have planned to leave Harry alone, with all the Horcruxes and Voldemort out there? I get that Harry is the one who has to finish it, but it's not like Dumbledore has no importance at all. Lots of wizards and wizards are going to get killed simply because of the absence of Dumbledore. So I don't think he planned it.  
About Snape. What do you think of him? I just know J.K. has something up her sleeve concerning him, but at the moment I just hate his guts. Don'tcount on a good Snape in my story...  
You've probably seen a lot of doctors with all your broken and dislocated limbs. I hate doctors. I have a knee that just plainly refuses to do what I want ( years and years of training when you know you shouldn't). I've had surgery a few times, but I'm terribly afraid of doctors, so I'm not going back even though my knee is playing mutineer again. Actually - besides long-time sports injuries - gymnastics is a very safe sport.  
Anyway, thanks a lot for your wonderful reviews. Whoohoo, I updated within a week ( I'm so proud), hope you like it!

p.s. Fideon and Gabian (sniggers) I like it!

**Jennie:** Emotional stuff, yeah. I'm glad you liked it. Here's another update!

**darklady5289:** There are two sides of it, aren't there? He was her big brother, after all. Lots of Niamh and Sirius in this chapter ;)

**hpandfriendsruletheworld:** Thanks! You've been reviewing my story from the beginning; it's great to hear you still like it :D Here's another chapter.

**Messrs-Paddifoots-love:** Finally! LOL I was getting impatient myself, but I couldn't rush it. A soap, that'd be great; too bad I don't own most of the characters ;) Anyway, hope you like the next chappie.

**Katy:** Getting laid: the cure for everything! LOL Sounds like an advertisement of George and Fred ;) Enjoy the next chapter!

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**Hearts**

"I love you," I mumbled, still holding on to Sirius for dear life. I didn't think I could ever let go. "I'm sorry too."

I felt him sigh heavily. He held me so close I couldn't move an inch. I took a deep breath, inhaling Sirius's scent. It was almost intoxicating. I couldn't help doing it again.

After a moment I heard a chuckle. "What are you doing?" he asked bemused.

"You smell nice," I answered.

"You're smelling me?"

In reply I nuzzled his neck again.

"Well, I'm not smelling you," Sirius said. "You smell like overly roasted meat."

I grimaced. "That would be my arm."

We broke apart far enough for him to look at my shoulder. "It looks horrible. We should get you to St Mungo's."

"That would be a bit difficult to explain," I protested.

A small cough got our attention. Remus, James, and Peter were standing by the door. "Perhaps we could let Lily take a look at it. She's a first year Healer, after all," James said.

"Where did you come from?" I frowned.

"We were here the whole time."

"Oh."

"Can you stand?" Sirius asked me. I slid off his lap and he helped me to my feet. "Just hold on to me. I'll Apparate us to Headquarters," he said.

The ground reeled when we landed in front of Headquarters. I groaned and clutched my stomach. Inhaling deeply, I tried to keep the content of my stomach down. Sirius rubbed my back. "I'm okay," I said after a minute.

Sirius slid an arm around me to support me and we walked to the front door. I heard Remus and the others Apparate behind me. Peter hurried past us and opened the door. Lily stormed outside the moment she heard the door and bombarded me with questions. James effectively shut her up by saying she needed to heal me. She immediately ushered me and Sirius to a couch. She set to work, ordering Sirius to help me lay down and get out of the way.

Caradoc and Frank paced around the room, brows furrowed. Morton had left to go after Dumbledore the moment I had entered Headquarters.

Lily cured the cut and bruise on my forehead where I had hit my head on the stairs in an instant. Another cut, on my cheek, took a little longer since it came from a spell, which had grazed my face and almost destroyed my mask. She then examined the burn on my shoulder and arm. "What spell did this, Niamh?" she asked, horrified.

"I don't know," I said. "It came from the side. I didn't see who cast it."

Lily cast a few Examining Charms and mumbled something approvingly at the results. "Just a Singeing Spell. A very powerful one, though."

"I noticed," I said with gritting teeth.

She quickly began chanting a Healing Spell, covering the wound in a milky white light. Two more charms to kill the pain followed and then she magicked a bandage around my shoulder. With the pain gone, I felt somewhat better. Exhausted, I lay on the couch. My limbs felt too heavy to move.

"We'll just go and tell Dumbledore that you're safe," Lily said, glancing at Sirius and me.

Remus took the hint immediately. "Yes. We'll see you later." Frank and Caradoc exited.

James and Peter frowned. " Why do we all have to go? Can't one of us just…" James asked.

"No, James. We're all going," Lily said, with a pointed look at Sirius and me. Remus seized Peter by the arm and started dragging him to the door.

James eyes widened. "Oh…" He nodded. "Yes, it's absolutely necessary that we all go to Dumbledore. Except you, Padfoot."

Lily rolled her eyes and ushered her boyfriend to the door.

"Leave it to Prongs to ruin any form of subtlety," Sirius grinned after the door had closed. He had drawn up a chair next to the couch earlier and leaned forward, interlacing his fingers and rubbing his hands alternately.

An awkward silence fell between us. Where to begin? So much had happened in the last few months, I wasn't sure we could ever fix it.

I looked at him. His sleek black hair fell in his face, obscuring his eyes. He stared at his hands. "It seems I owe you another apology," he said quietly.

I frowned. "What for?"

"The way I came to your house. I could have blown your cover. What if Rosier had been there at the time?"

My stomach turned when I realised what could have happened. "It's okay. I'm glad you did."

Another awkward silence. I couldn't stand it.

_Perhaps…_

I sat up straight and slid my legs off the couch so I could sit opposite of Sirius. He didn't look up.

Our relationship had been physical before anything else. Maybe, if I just touched him, we would be able to talk. I placed my hand on his and squeezed softly. Sirius's head hung lower, but he enveloped my hand in both his hands, which were so much larger than mine.

"Please, look at me," I whispered.

Sirius slowly lifted his head and I looked into grey eyes that glistened with tears. My heart cringed; I had never seen him this vulnerable. "What's wrong?" I breathed.

"I'm completely fucked up," he said in a hoarse voice. "I think I'm rid of my family, of being a Black, but I'm just trying to fool myself. At the first mention of them I completely fly off the broomhandle. Merlin, I pushed you away because of them." He shook his head. "I hurt you, because of them. My parents have succeeded again in making me wreck my life."

"They haven't," I denied, a lump in my throat. "I'm here, aren't I? You've got James and Remus and Peter. Lily. Your parents…don't let them do this to you. Don't let them get to you."

"They get to me," Sirius spat out. His tensed jaw showed how difficult it was for him to admit that. "They always get to me. I thought I was free when I was eleven, and I was wrong. I thought so when I was sixteen and ran away; I was wrong again. And the way I treated you proved that I'm still not free of them."

"And here I thought I was the one with the affinity for Occlumency," I said gently and stretched out a hand to caress his face. "Why have you never told me?"

Sirius took my hand and kissed the palm. He smiled ruefully. "Because I like to pretend I don't care. James knows; I was on his doorstep after all hell broke loose at home. He saw the mess I was in and his parents took me in. Remus…well, it's hard to keep anything from Remus. We've never really talked about it, but I know he knows. And Peter…" Sirius shrugged. "Pete's just Pete."

We were silent for a while. I looked at Sirius's thumb that was caressing my palm. He took a deep breath. "Do you want… Do you want me to tell you about it?"

I locked his eyes with mine. They were so open, so easy to read. Or so I had always thought, but now I knew he had managed to hide a lot behind the expressive storm coloured eyes. Now they were wide open and I could see hesitation and fear. He was afraid to tell me and afraid I didn't want to hear it. I tightened my hands around his. "Yes. You can tell me," I said softly.

He let out the breath he'd been holding in a quivering sigh. He seemed to be searching for words, but I kept my mouth shut and interlaced my fingers with his. Another deep sigh and then it came out. All of it. In fits and starts. The hate, the abuse, the fights – both verbal and physical, even magical sometimes – and the hurt. That was the most difficult for him, admitting that it hurt.

By the time he was finished I was crying and my fingers were bruised from the force with which he had squeezed them.

In a voice thick with swallowed tears he told me that he understood if I didn't want to be with a messed-up wizard like him.

"Of course I want to be with you," I said. "I love you. I love every part of you. The funny part, the handsome part, the part you keep deep inside of you…" I let go of his hands and cupped his face. "And the black parts of you."

Sirius jerked his face away from me with a groan. I placed my hands on his cheeks again and forced him to look at me. "The Black parts too. I know you hate them, and for reasons I now understand much better, but those parts belong to you too. It doesn't make you less, it only makes you stronger, because you are better than them. You're a good man, no matter what your family is. You've made me see that I don't have to be like my family. That I can be more, even though I have inherited much from my ancestors. Like you have. If you deny it, you will never be free from your family, because your hatred will keep you linked to them. Accept it, accept who you are and use the parts of you that are Black in a good way; and let go. Because those parts will always be there."

Sirius tensed up so much his body shook with the force of it.

"Sirius…" I said. He opened his eyes again. "I love you. Let me love all of you."

He sat silent as a stone, staring at me. He breathed with difficulty and his fists were clenched on his legs.

"I love you," I repeated. Tentatively I leaned forward and pressed my lips gently against his. I pulled back when he didn't respond.

He didn't move an inch. Just when I wanted to say his name again, his hand shot out and cupped my cheek. His other hand he slid to the back of my neck. "You sure?" he asked gruffly.

I gasped when his stone eyes melted and flared up. "Yes," I panted, suddenly out of breath.

"I need to…" he said hoarsely, struggling with his self-control. "Let me kiss you."

A moan was all I managed to wring out of my throat when I looked in his blazing eyes. Without a warning Sirius leaned forward and crushed his lips into mine. His weight pushed me down against the couch. Flesh and teeth clashed as he kissed me furiously. I nipped at his bottom lip and was rewarded with a throaty groan that nearly sent me over the edge.

Tasting him, smelling him, feeling him sent shocks both hot and cold through my body. Sirius's tongue plunged deep into my mouth as if to possess me. I moaned and grabbed his shoulders when his tongue traced the roof of my mouth.

I pulled away and gasped, "Evil!"

Sirius gave a low chuckle. "That's what you get when you make out with a Black."

"Do it again, Mr. Black," I growled and pulled his head to me. Sirius mumbled in approval and heeded my request, reducing me to putty.

Suddenly he jerked up and looked around. I whimpered in protest.

"We're in the middle of Headquarters," he said surprised.

"Yes, we are. And your point is…?" I asked, feeling cold without his body.

"Arousing as the thought may be, making love to you on the couch is perhaps not the best of ideas," he said, looking disappointed. "I suspect half the Order is in the kitchen."

"What happened to your Marauder's sense of adventure?" I teased, eyeing him lustfully.

"Are you serious?" he sputtered.

"Well, perhaps not, but I know someone who is Sirius…"

"You'll pay for that one," he growled and pounced on me. "If McGonagall barges in here, it's on your head," he said before capturing my lips with his own.

I giggled for a moment at the thought of the prim and proper McGonagall walking in on us, but was soon lost in the feeling of Sirius's hands roaming over my body.

A loud and clear cough made us both freeze. _You have got to be kidding me._

"Merlin's balls," Sirius groaned to my skin. "I knew this was a bad idea." He looked up and nodded friendly at the intruder. "Mornin' sir."

"Good morning, Sirius. Good morning, Niamh. I'm glad to see that you are all right," Dumbledore said calmly, his eyes twinkling. "Perhaps, Niamh, you have a moment to tell me what happened last night."

My happy feeling vaporised. Sirius got off me and helped me up.

"Sirius, could you tell your friends that Niamh is doing well?" Albus suggested. Sirius looked ready to protest, but Dumbledore added, "I would like to speak to Niamh alone."

Sirius looked at me. I nodded to tell him I was fine. "Okay then," he said and walked out of the room.

I turned my eyes to Dumbledore. Everything that had happened last night came back to me with full force.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Niamh," he said. His voice was full of caring and compassion.

My lip trembled. I looked away, feeling tears appear in my eyes. "He knew the risks. So did I."

"That doesn't reduce the loss."

"God, what an idiot," I suddenly snapped. "Why did he have to join? Why couldn't he just… He was my brother. My brother. And they killed him." My voice broke.

"And your cousin?"

"Naoise. He wouldn't have wanted to go any other way," I said scornfully. "But my brother. I don't know why. He was just married. I loved him. I know what he did; I've _seen_ the things he did." I let out a sob. "But I loved him. And now he's dead."

I looked Dumbledore reluctantly in the eye. "Something went wrong. I don't know what happened, but when I saw that Auror's face, the one that had killed Rowan, I hated him." I felt sick when I thought back on what I had done. "I killed him, Albus. I killed that Auror with Avada Kedavra."

Dumbledore leaned back in his chair, taken by surprise. "Are you certain?"

"Yes. Not a doubt in my mind. It was my curse that hit him."

"Why is this so different from the other time you've cast that curse?"

"Because this time I meant it," I hissed. "It was not just some Occlumency trick to shut down my feelings that made it work. I wanted to kill him. I couldn't even hold up the walls. It was all me." I swallowed.

Dumbledore sighed deeply. "I fear, Niamh, that I'm the one to blame."

"What?" I gasped, taken aback.

"I knew what was going on. I saw the way you hid yourself behind your skills as an Occlumens. I knew it was only a matter of time before something went wrong." Lines were etched deeply in his face. "I fooled myself in thinking that once you saw what you were doing, you would realise it was the wrong way to deal with your feelings. I did not foresee that your feelings could break free in a way that would harm others. I should have been more careful."

"I need Occlumency. I can't deal with Evan or the Death Eaters without it," I said.

"But you used it for a lot more," Dumbledore observed.

I averted my eyes. He was right. It had almost become an addiction to not feel a thing. "What do I do now? I've killed a man."

"You also saved a woman. Griselda," Dumbledore retorted. "And Lothair."

"Lothair is dead," I said.

"Because he chose to stay and fight. You gave him the choice to do that, instead of being murdered in his bed."

"Yeah, and three Aurors died because of it."

"They know the risks that come with their job. Listen to me, Niamh," Dumbledore said gently. "I will understand if you want to quit. You've been through more than I could ever have asked you to do. I won't deny that we need you, but your life means more to me."

I shook my head. "I can't back out; you know that, sir. It's a lifetime of service that I'm in. If I quit, I'll be dead within days. I will go through with it."

"You will have to find a balance being an Occlumens," Dumbledore warned me.

"I will," I promised. I only had to envision that Auror's face and I knew I would never let things to get so out of hand again.

"Well then," Dumbledore began, his eyes regaining some of their sparkle, "I think it's time we go to the kitchen and have some tea, so that the Order has something better to do than listen at doors."

After a cup of tea I had to go to the Manor. The Ministry would bring my brother's body home, and since I was now heir to the family name, it was my duty to be there. All at once the Carden family had been deprived of its heirs. Naoise was the only child of my father's older brother and had no children. My father's younger brother had no sons, only two daughters. With Rowan dead too, I was the oldest child of the second son and heir, unless my father or my uncles had another son, which was unlikely. If Alexia was not pregnant, I was part of the last generation of Cardens.

I promised I would meet Sirius at his place as soon as I could. We still had a lot to talk about. Sirius pulled me close and kissed me with surprising gentleness, brushing my hair from my face. It nearly made me cry again. With wet eyes I hugged Remus and Lily and left.

* * *

Two days later I stood beside Rowan's grave. My black robes fluttered in the frosty wind. Alexia and Deirdre were standing next to me. I could hear them sobbing. My face and eyes seemed frozen. Alexia was not pregnant. When my sister, cousins, and I married, the family name would cease to exist. I was not sure how I felt about that. It seemed ironic that the Dark Arts that had once made my family flourish, were now its downfall. 

Deep brown earth fell on Rowan's coffin. It was a private burial. Only family were present. The press – and Rita Skeeter in particular – had surrounded us like a swarm of flies. Nobody from our family had given any comments. Denying Rowan and Naoise were Death Eaters would mean being disloyal to Voldemort, and admitting that they were would mean the end of our social life.

We did what Cardens had done for centuries. We were silent, aloof, arrogant, and superior. Aurors had found nothing when they had searched the manor and father's bribes had ensured that what had happened to Rowan and Naoise would not reflect on the rest of the family.

Mother had begged me to reconsider me being a Death Eater. She could not bear to lose another child. I had coolly informed her that I had pledged my allegiance to the Dark Lord, knowing the risks, as Rowan had done. I had little patience with my mother.

After the funeral I told my parents and Evan I wanted to be alone. After going to my apartment to change, I Apparated to Sirius's house. I was in his arms the moment he opened the door. He lifted me from my feet and carried me to the rug in front of his fireplace. "Do you want a drink?" he asked after he had put me down.

"Alcohol," I answered. "Lots of it." I kicked off my shoes and nestled myself in front of the roaring fire.

Sirius summoned a bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey and two glasses and sat down next to me. For a while we were content sitting next to each other and sipping our drink.

"Are you all right?" Sirius asked.

"I will be," I said. Sirius stretched himself out on the rug and pulled me to him. I snuggled close to him. "I will be," I repeated.


	29. Better and worse

**darklady5289:** Thanks! They finally made up yay! Yeah, you're right, that's a nasty mental image LOL, but I had to write it. Hope you like the next chapter.

**DollFace080:** Thank you :) I thought it was about time to let Sirius explain himself a little. Hoped that it worked. Here's the next chapter!

**hpandfriendsruletheworld:** I'm very glad to hear that :D I hope I won't disappoint you.

**Messrs-Paddifoots-love:** Thanks! I hope you like the next chapter.

**Katy:** I so totally agree! There is not one sentence in canon that contradicts a possible Severus-lurves-Lily idea. That doesn't mean he's not evil, though! Or partially evil. Or just very, very, very Slytherin. I don't like him. Never have, never will. But imagine how horrible it must be for him to look at Harry. A perfect copy of James - his childhood tormenter - with the eyes of the woman he loved. Snape goes around bashing James all the time, but not once has he said something about Lily. Hmm, coincidence? I think not.  
And it would be an ironclad reason (someone said that at the Hospital scene) for Dumbledore to trust Snape. Aargh, I can't wait till book 7.

**Warning! This whole chapter is rated R for a reason.**

* * *

**Better and worse**

My fingers played with a button on Sirius's shirt. I had told him about my brother's funeral and we were silent for a while. I rested my chin on his chest and undid the button, watching his reaction. My hand moved to undo the second button. When I reached for the third his chest rumbled with laughter.

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" I teased. The fourth and fifth button were now undone as well. I slipped my hand inside his shirt. His skin glowed from the warmth of the fire. I raked my nails across his chest. Sirius shivered. The hand he had on my waist lazily made circles.

I had thrown a leg over his and now traced my foot up the inside of his leg. Sirius closed his eyes, his breath hitching for a moment. I propped myself a little higher on my elbow and brushed my lips against his jaw, before kissing his neck and collarbone. He shivered again and tightened his arm around me when I sucked the skin there between my teeth.

Still taking to his neck I got up a little and straddled him, tugging the shirt from his pants and letting my hands run over his chest. I savoured the feeling of the sculpted muscles under my fingers. I sat up straight and watched him while my thumbs brushed over his nipples.

The light from the flames cast shadows on his face. He was so warm. With a tiny smirk I looked at the vein in his neck and noticed his pulse was quickening by the second while I continued to draw my fingers over his chest and throat. I leaned forward and placed my hands on the floor, one on each side of his head. "Sirius?"

He opened his eyes, which were dazed with lust. His hands came up and began kneading the back of my legs. I brought my face close to him and kissed his nose. The corners of his mouth twitched when he bit back a smile. I brushed my lips against his and ran my tongue over his bottom lip, moaning in surprise when Sirius lifted his head a little and sucked my tongue in his mouth. I opened my mouth and let him kiss me languidly and deeply.

His hands slid up the back of my legs and between my thighs. With a soft tug he opened them further, bringing me in contact with his groin. He swallowed my deep moan when he pushed his hips up to mine. His hands on my backside pressed me even closer to him.

He pushed me back and sat up straight. I leaned back and lifted my arms over my head, so he could take off my jumper. With a hungry groan he pressed his lips against my flesh and threw the jumper aside. His hands caressed my back and undid my bra. I threw my head back when his tongue circled my nipple, leaving it taut and aching when he closed his lips around the other. He got his wand from his pocket and waved it at the curtains, who closed themselves immediately.

I grinned. "In your pocket, eh? What would Moody say of that? Please tell me you haven't blown anything off that you're going to need in a minute."

With a growl Sirius pushed me on my back and sank himself between my thighs, grinding his hips into me. "Does this ease your worries?" he panted, his eyes twinkling.

"No," I gasped. "I need more reassurance." I wrapped my legs around his hips when he crushed his pelvis into mine, moaning deeply.

I rolled him on his back again and tugged on his jeans. After unzipping it, I yanked it off his legs. Sirius chuckled, but gasped when I licked my lips and closed my mouth around him. I looked up to his face. His eyes rolled back in his head and his mouth was half-open in silent pleasure. The smouldering fire in my body flared up.

I blew softly on his moistened skin. The slight cold made him jerk up. "Merlin, Niamh," he groaned, "you have to stop."

"Why?" I asked. "I rather like this." I used my tongue and his answer was lost in a splutter of incoherent sounds.

I laughed softly, but squealed in surprise when he jumped up and rolled on top of me, pinning my arms over my head. "Because that is not what I want."

"What do you want then?" I breathed. I couldn't move. He had my wrists in an iron grip and had my legs pinned to the ground with his thighs. I shivered when a wicked smirk crept over his face.

"What I want?" His voice was low and husky. He brushed his lips against my ear. "I want you under me, writhing and moaning, until all you can do is scream my name."

I gasped. His rough voice turned my blood into liquid fire. "Do it," I begged. "Do it."

"Not yet." He looked me in the eye with that same smirk. "First you're going to pay for what you just did to me."

He got rid of my jeans even faster than I had got rid of his. His hands teased the sensitive skin on my thighs. He slipped an arm under me to lift my hips and rubbed his cheek against the inside of my thigh.

"You need to shave," I breathed, goosebumps appearing all over my body. Sirius did it again. Breathing was suddenly a lot harder.

"You need to shut up," Sirius retorted and pressed his lips against unbelievably tender flesh. I cried out and arched my back. He held his hands on my hips and teased me into oblivion.

When I came down to earth he had me pinned under him again. My legs were spread. "What are you waiting for?" I panted.

"Look at me," Sirius ordered. I complied and saw my face mirrored in blackened pools. He pushed himself inside of me so slowly I whimpered in protest. I felt myself stretch around him to accommodate him and closed my eyes.

"Look at me," he ordered more harshly. His hands pressed my wrists against the floor and his weight prevented me to move. His eyes burned into mine, possessing me. There was a promise in his eyes, a promise that he would not let me forget I was his.

Still staring at him, I was not ready for his first thrust. I groaned at the sudden feeling of being completely filled, but could not close my eyes. Sirius took me while he watched my face. I could hear my own ragged breathing mixing with his, as he struggled to keep himself under control.

Suddenly he let go of my wrist and hooked his arm under my knee, bringing it up over his shoulder. I moaned helplessly at the sudden increase of friction. He quickly grabbed my wrist again and began thrusting harder and faster.

Our groans were the only sounds in the room beside the soft crackling of the fire. My body tensed when wave after wave of pleasure washed over me. "Oh God. Sirius!"

Sirius collapsed on top of me, his face now buried in my neck, and pressing my body into the rug with all his weight. Numb, satisfied, and tingling, I didn't know where my body ended and his began. He let go of my wrists and propped himself on his elbows, looking at me. With a satisfied smile I wiped his damp hair from his forehead and noticed his eyes had returned to their normal smoky grey.

He bowed his head and gave me a lingering kiss, while rolling to the side and pulling me against his body. The heat of the fire prevented our bodies from cooling off and I ran my hand down his body and buttocks, feeling the muscles under his warm and sweaty skin. I could have stayed in his arms forever, legs entangled and our noses almost touching.

I threaded my fingers through his hair. I had grown; it almost reached his shoulders now. He kissed me again, softly, and coaxed my mouth open, playing with my tongue.

When I felt his arousal pressing against my thigh, I smiled satisfied to myself. There was something I wanted him to see. He had made me his again and I had given everything I had to him. But he was mine as well. _Mine._ And no Annabelle Dangerley or any other girl could change that.

My hand slid down his stomach and I wrapped my fingers around him. He groaned and bucked his hips. Sirius was not a submissive man, but now he would submit to me. I used my hand to stroke and tease him until I had him moaning and gasping. With determination I pushed him on his back and straddled him, sliding myself down on him.

Sirius tried to sit up and take over, but I pushed him back with force. "Mine," I hissed.

Amusement twinkled in his eyes for a moment, but it was quickly replaced with passion when I moved my hips and began riding him to his pleasure. His hands caressed my hips and waist, but when he tried to dictate our rhythm once again I grabbed his hands. "It's my turn," I told him. I was surprised how low and growling my voice sounded.

"Your turn?" he repeated, the question in his eyes.

"Yes," I panted and leaned my hands on his chest to keep him down. "You wanted to possess me, and you did. Now it's my turn." I lowered my mouth to his in a fierce kiss. "You're mine."

Sirius's eyes burned. He let his hands rest loosely on my thighs. "Yours," he growled. "Show me." And so I did.

Again we collapsed in a heap of sweaty limbs, breathing heavily and erratic. Every part of me seemed to be made of jelly and I didn't want to move. In fact, I didn't think I could.

After a long time I heard him sigh. "I didn't sleep with Annabelle."

I lifted my head. "What?"

He shifted so he could look at me. "I didn't sleep with her. I was going to, I won't deny that, but then I realised all I could see was you." He gave me a smile. "So you see, you didn't have to make me yours; I already was."

I blinked. "But Peter said…"

"Yeah, I know. I didn't deny it at the time. But it didn't happen. She wanted to, but I couldn't." Sirius grimaced. "It'd been a long time since I was slapped that hard."

I snorted. "You deserved it."

"Yes, I did," he admitted.

My grin faltered after a moment.

Sirius frowned. "What?"

I sighed. "I wish I could say that Evan and I never…"

He stopped me. "Look, Niamh, I understand. You're supposed to be his fiancée. And we both know that he expects you to..."

"Yeah, but I just wish I would've had an excuse." I found it very difficult to look him in the eye, so I stared at the rug, fidgeting with a loose thread. "I managed to put it off a long time, saying that I wanted to get to know him better first, but the night I was initiated… We'd been engaged almost half a year; I couldn't refuse him anymore."

"Niamh, it's all right. I don't mind."

I looked up in disbelief. Sirius's face was tensed, his mouth one tight line. I snorted. "You hate it."

Sirius dropped on his back, looking at the ceiling. "Merlin, yes. If I ever see that bastard, I'll kill him. Slowly." He rolled back on his side and looked at me. "But what I meant is that I understand. You couldn't have done anything different."

"I don't remember it," I confessed.

"What? How's that possible?" Sirius asked confused.

"When he -- when we -- that night, I had shut down so many parts of me all I did was function. I was afraid I would push him away and he would get suspicious, so I used Occlumency in an excessive way. I know that it happened, but that's all…" I shuddered. It had been the emptiest feeling I had ever experienced.

Sirius swore softly and pulled me closer to him. "It'll be all right," he mumbled in my hair.

I pressed my nose in his chest to enjoy his scent. "Sirius?" I mumbled.

"Hmm?"

"What do we do now?"

"What do you mean?" he frowned.

"I'm still engaged to Evan."

"I know."

"Can you deal with that?" I asked, fearing the answer.

He was silent.

"Sirius?" My voice was barely more than a whisper.

"Niamh, I won't lie to you, he began. I hate the mere thought of you being with that monster. I want you all to myself. I want you to have nothing to do with Rosier. But it's not about what I want, is it? You're stuck in that world now, and I realise your contribution to our cause is very important. I will deal with it."

I felt the tension in my spine slip away. "Thank you," I whispered.

"Don't worry," he told me. "Everything will be alright."

* * *

It turned out it wouldn't be all right. The fiasco at the Marchbanks' had lost me and the others Voldemort's favour. I had since long found out that the Dark Lord didn't trust anyone, not even his own Death Eaters. No one knew the names of the entire group. Voldemort let his Death Eaters work in smaller groups, and our group had failed him. 

I escaped physical punishment, but Lucius, who'd been in charge, was not so lucky. The Cruciatus Curse was always horrifying to watch, but when it was cast by one of the most powerful wizards of the world, it was even worse. Lucius wasn't dead, but that was about the only positive thing that could be said.

Since our group had fallen into disgrace, the Dark Lord did not inform us of important attacks.

Not two weeks after Sirius and I got back together, James sent us an urgent message in the middle of the night. All his note said was, "_It's Marlene and John. Hurry._"

My stomach turned in fear. Voldemort knew that John and Marlene McKinnon were Order members. I put on some clothes with trembling hands and a hat to hide my red curls.

Sirius's eyes mirrored my fears when he grabbed my hand and we Apparated to the McKinnons. I groaned when I looked at their house. It was in flames and the Dark Mark floated in the air, the snake protruding from its mouth, seemingly to mock me. I had failed once again.

"Merlin, no," Sirius breathed, tightening his hold on my hand.

James ran towards us, Lily right behind him. They were both covered in soot. "They're getting them out right now."

"Are they still alive?" Sirius asked.

James shook his head. "No. They -- they were tortured. And by the looks of it Marlene was…" he choked on it.

Tears were running down Lily's face, smearing the soot on her cheeks. She looked back at the house, where we could see Gideon, Fabian, Dumbledore, and Moody bring bodies from the burning house. Lily turned back. "She was raped."

"And the children?" I croaked. The house blurred behind a mist of tears. The sharp scent of burning wood stung my eyes and nose.

"I haven't had a chance to look," Lily answered. "We had to get them out of the house first."

We walked to where Gideon and Fabian had placed the bodies on the ground. I sank to my knees next to Marlene. Her face was covered in bruises and blood seeped from the corner of her mouth, not yet completely dried. Someone had put a blanket over her body, but I could see that her nightgown was torn to pieces.

A lock of her blonde hair had turned white. "The Cruciatus Curse," I said, fingering the lock.

Her children lay next to her. Two boys and a girl. None over the age of ten. All of them brown-haired like their father, and as sparkling and cheeky as their mother. Something tightened in my chest and I got up, hiding in Sirius's arms.

"I need to tell Marlene's parents. They don't know yet," Dumbledore said. "Alastor has gone to inform the Ministry. They should be here soon." He nodded wearily at us and Disapparated.

We waited by their bodies, until a loud cracking sound made us jump. Benjy Fenwick Apparated next to us and swayed on his feet when he saw the bodies.

"No," he groaned. "How is this possible?"

I knew Benjy was a close friend of John's. His face contorted in sorrow and anger. "What happened? They knew he was after them." He whipped around and threw me a look of loathing. "Why didn't you warn them?" he hissed.

"I didn't know," I answered.

"They were in hiding. You told him," Benjy spat furiously. "You told him where they were."

"Benjy, that's enough," Gideon ordered. "Someone must have seen them. They left the house regularly. We only knew that You-Know-Who was aware that they were part of the Order; we didn't know he was already after them. This is not Niamh's fault. And keep your voice down; if there are still Death Eaters around, you could expose her."

Benjy let out an incredulous laugh. "She's got you all fooled. She'll sell us out one by one."

Sirius let go of me and started towards Benjy. His fist connected with Benjy's face, before anyone could stop him.

"Sirius, stop!" James yelled and restrained him.

"You keep your mouth shut, Fenwick," Sirius hissed, "or I'll do some real damage."

Benjy looked with disdain at him and then me. "You've got him back in your claws again, I see. I'm not surprised. Hippogriffs of a feather flock together."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I growled.

"Let's just say you can take the wizard out of the family, but you can't take the family out of the wizard."

Sirius's eyes widened and he renewed his struggle to get free from James. James was as tall as Sirius, but much leaner. With a snarl Sirius shook him off and lunged at Benjy.

"ENOUGH!" I roared. I had had to endure Benjy's suspicion from the moment I joined the Order, ignored his snide comments about my loyalty and family and told myself that his distrust was only logical.

But him accusing me of betraying Marlene and John was more than I could bear. "Enough!" I shouted again. I pushed Sirius away and stood in front of Benjy. "I know that they were close friends of yours and it's your grief talking right now. But don't you dare blame this on me. You think I wouldn't have done something if I had known?" I shook my head. "Where do you get off? I have never done anything to deserve your hate. I've got enough on my plate without you accusing me of something I would _never_ do. I'm very sorry for your loss – I know that you and John were close and I liked him and Marlene very much – but you just stay the hell away from me, Benjy. I've had enough of you."

Benjy stared down at me, nostrils flaring and eyes burning with hatred. I turned my back on him and walked to Sirius, who wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

"Let me look at that, Benjy," Lily said gently, looking at his broken nose. Benjy let her.

That moment Aurors began to arrive and Sirius and I had to leave. I couldn't risk being recognized by someone outside the Order. Back in his house we sat on the couch in silence. Sirius had healed his bruised hand and now we just waited for dawn, knowing that neither of us could get any sleep.

Two hours later the doorbell rang and James, Lily, Peter and Remus came in, all of them pale and shaky. I got up to make us some coffee.

"The house is completely burnt down," James said after I had handed him a mug.

"Are the Aurors done yet?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah, didn't take long. It was pretty obvious what happened," James said bitterly. "They'll be Obliviating Muggles for a while, though."

"They've taken Marlene's mother to St Mungo's," Lily added softly. "She had a nervous breakdown when she heard what happened. Her husband is taking care of the bodies."

"What about John's family?" I asked.

"He had no close family. Only a few great-aunts. Someone from the Ministry is tracking them down," Peter said.

"Bleedin' hippogriffs, what a disaster," James suddenly groaned. "Who else does Voldemort know about? They'll have to go into hiding. Real hiding, I mean. Not just change their address."

"Gideon and Fabian," I said. "But they'll never go into hiding. Neither will Caradoc. I don't know who else. Since the Marchbanks raid I haven't been summoned for anything else than Lucius's punishment. We've lost his favour."

We fell silent, knowing there was no way we could predict Voldemort's next move.

* * *

Let me know what you think! 


	30. Gossip and Green Faces

**DollFace080: **Thanks for a fantabulous review ;) Sirius ain't all bad, right? You liked the proverb, yay! It's been in my head for ages, I think ever since I read the line 'no use crying over spilt potion'. I think Molly says that. I was so glad I could finally use it LOL. Anyways, I hope you like the next chapter.

**darklady5289:** Marriage on its way. Won't say whose marriage, though ;). Thanks a lot and here's the next chapter!

**pannychan22:** A new reviewer! Thanks for letting me know what you think. It really helps me to keep writing :) I hope you like the next chapter!

**SexeiAlexeiGurl: **Aww, thank you! That's what keeps me going :) And here's another chapter.

**hpandfriendsruletheworld:** Thank you :) I'll do my best! Hope you like the next chapter.

**MsPadfootVerona:** Hey! Great to hear from you again. My God, no homework? Are you sure your teachers haven't been taken over by aliens?  
I think the journal is a great idea. I never seem to write in mine when I'm doing great, but when I'm not feeling so fuzzy and happy...pages and pages get covered in ink ;) It really helps to write all thebad stuff down. For me, at least. And then I can just close my journal and put it away. I hope you'll feel better soon and that a journal works for you too. ( If not, take boxing lessons like a friend of mine did when she was going through a rough time. She swears it cures everything.)  
About Snape (hmm how did I get from boxing to Snape...) I'm a fan of Alan Rickman myself. How am I supposed to hate Snape when they let Rickman play him! So I just keep film-Snape and book-Snape far away from each other in my head.  
Ilike the idea that Snape is on Snape's side. He walks a very thin line. He's a great character, because six whole books long you don't know whose side he is on. Is he evil? Who exactly does he spy for? Both sides perhaps? And even now when he's killed A., you're not completely sure, because you just _know_ there's more to the story. So frustrating!  
If he has told Dumbledore about the Vow, then Dumbledore surely would have realised that it could come down to that which has indeed happened in the book. So, in that way, he did plan his death, I agree. Teaching Harry everything he knows about Voldemort's past is a clear sign... but, again, I agree: where was the duelling part? Harry is very good at DADA compared to his classmates, but he's a Squib compared to Voldemort.  
So, scenario nr 2: Snape hasn't told Dumbledore about the Vow, a.k.a. he is completely on Voldy's side. Then what would've been Dumbledore's motive? Would he perhaps have begun transferring his knowledge to Harry because he knew it would come down to a confrontation between Harry and Voldemort (prophecy), wanting to continue with duelling later, not knowing he didn't have all that much time? Argh, I don't know, I suck at predicting story lines. About the thing I saw coming was Ron and Hermione...  
What do you think about Snape loving Lily? I think it could be true, but I'm not a fan of Lily loving Snape back.  
Anyway, about my story, it's neev /n i: v / rhymes with believe. They're back together, yay do the happy dance LOL. I didn't want Rowan to be an all-evil character. I also deliberately left out any motivations of him becoming a Death Eater, so I could keep a bit of doubt around him. I mainly wanted him to be Niamh's brother. That's what he'll always be to her, no matter what his choices were.  
You say you ramble endlessly, but I'm getting the hang of it too :D I'll just shut up now..

p.s. The editorial was indeed on mugglenet, but I can't remember where, sorry :s

**Katy:** Yeah, but is Snape "I-love-Voldemort"-evil, or "I do what benefits me most"-evil? Wonder which is worse, by the way...  
Just let me get everything straight. Trelawney makes the prophecy, Snape listens in on the conversation, but gets caught. He goes to Voldemort with what he knows (not everything). When Harry and Neville are born, there are two boys that the prophecy could be about. Voldemort thinks it's Harry. Snape realises that he has signed Lily's death warrant. He wouldn't bother to save James, Harry had to be killed, so what happened? Do you think he's the one who persuaded Voldemort to give Lily a chance to step aside? I don't think it was a courtesy of Voldemort...  
I agree! And when she's finished writing the final book we keep her there and make her write additional books about the Marauders!  
I love anything withFred and/or George! They're my favourite characters after Sirius and Remus. I'm definitely going to check out those stories.  
Here's the update, hope you like it.

**Messrs-Paddifoots-love:** Sorry, but no ;) If I was J.K. I'd be on a tropical island drinking cocktails, instead of shivering in cold, cloudy, rainy Holland... Thanks, though :D I hope you like the next chapter.  
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* * *

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**Gossip and Green Faces**

The next two months some things changed, while others stayed the same. Lucius had recovered from the effects of the Cruciatus Curse, but we had not regained the Dark Lord's favour. We were sent on Muggle raids to emphasize our failure.

During these raids I managed to save some lives by putting Muggles under the Disillusionment Charm or telling them to hide when we searched their homes. I threatened them not to tell a word about me. If they told the wrong person from the Ministry a Death Eater had saved them, I would be finished. To avoid suspicion, I could not save many. The choices I made haunted my dreams and not even Sirius's arms around me could help me sleep well.

Benjy's suspicion had not gone unnoticed in the Order. Some bluntly took my side, but I noticed others hesitated.

The family name had been tarnished as well, despite my father's 'donations' to the Ministry. People talked and Rita Skeeter had published a series of articles about my family's past. I ran into her in Diagon Alley once.

"Niamh, you know you've never denied being a Death Eater," she said cunningly and drew a quill from her purse.

I raised a haughty eyebrow. "Firstly, I would prefer you to call me Miss Carden. I don't think I've ever given you permission to use my first name. Secondly, I don't associate with the likes of you, so if you could please refrain from speaking to me, that would be wonderful. Goodbye, Miss Skeeter," I finished coldly and turned around.

"Miss Carden!" Rita called after me. "You still haven't denied it."

Slowly I turned back. "Have I now?" I drawled and smiled maliciously. Rita's eyes widened. "You should be more careful with what you write, Miss Skeeter. You wouldn't want to upset anyone. Have a nice day."

This, of course, had consequences. My mother nearly went insane when she found out what I had done. She screamed at me for destroying our social status with my carelessness.

"I was not being careless, Mother," I sighed impatiently. "I merely gave her a warning."

My mother gave an exasperated cry and left the room, no doubt locking herself in her rooms. I turned to my father. "Just honouring the family name, Father."

"I've never cared about what others think of me. Cardens are above that," my father answered. "But your mother is not a Carden, so perhaps you could be a little more considerate next time."

"Yes, Father," I said docilely.

My mother refused to talk to me for days, unknowingly doing me a great favour. Evan was incredibly busy with the family business, so I saw little of him as well.

James celebrated his birthday in March. He had invited me as well. I knew I couldn't go. Niamh Carden at James Potter's birthday party? I could just as well write traitor on my forehead and create the same effect.

Sirius spent five days moping around because I couldn't come, until Gideon and Fabian had had enough. They both had rather high marks in Concealment and Disguise – part of their Auror training – and they had decided to 'adjust' me.

The night of the party I was in Headquarters, fidgeting nervously under the scrutinizing gazes of the Prewett twins. Sirius, Peter, and Remus stood to the side, arms folded and an uncertain look on their faces.

"First," Fabian said, "we need to get rid of the hair. People will recognize you a mile away. What colour do you want it?"

"Not black," Gideon said. "That'll make her too pale. How about brown?"

"Are you sure about this?" I asked anxiously.

"Of course. I got an O in Disguise. Will you just trust me?" Gideon said confidently. "Brown it is."

He pointed his wand at me. Nothing happened.

"Wow, look at that," Peter said.

Or so I thought. I grabbed a lock of hair. A lock of shiny, chocolate brown hair. "Oh my god," I breathed.

"Gideon will do," Gideon grinned. I rolled my eyes.

"Let's straighten her hair," Fabian suggested, getting really enthusiastic. "And don't forget her eyebrows."

Gideon pointed his wand at me again and performed the charm. "So, what do you think, Sirius?" he asked after he had finished.

"I don't know," Sirius said slowly. "Guess I'll have to get used to it."

I huffed. _So much for compliments._

"Change the eye colour," Remus suggested. A second later my eyes had turned hazel.

"Could you get me a mirror?" I asked. I did not want to look like a troll on James's party. Fabian summoned a mirror. "Oh, this is bizarre," I said, scrunching my nose to check if it was really me. "It's still my face."

"Well, I suppose we could lengthen your nose a little, and make your lips less full," Gideon pondered, examining my face. I nodded. I felt a slight tingle in my nose and lips.

Fabian tapped his wand against his lips. "If only we could make you taller."

"I'll wear heels," I snapped.

"No offence," he grinned at me.

"You look pretty," Sirius said. "Weird, but pretty."

"You know you can't wear any of those expensive designer, pureblood dresses," Gideon warned me.

"I know," I answered. "Got it all taken care of. I borrowed a dress from Lily."

"Lily?" Peter frowned. "But she is inches taller than you and you have larger…" His voice faltered at the sight of Sirius's raised eyebrow. He cleared his throat. "You're a bit more filled out."

"We could take care of that," Gideon said, his eyes no longer on my face. "Pity."

"Pig!" I glowered at him. "My face is up here. And in case you've forgotten, Lily and I are both witches. The dress has been adjusted to my size."

Sirius let out a loud sigh of relief.

"Sirius!" I snapped.

"What?" he protested, his eyes widening. "Can't help that I like them."

Remus was trying so hard not to laugh that his face turned bright red.

"Don't make me hex you, wolfie," I growled. "And innocence is not a look that favours you," I added, pointing my finger at the black-haired wizard. Sirius immediately changed his angelic expression for a roguish grin. "Now, get out all of you, so I can change."

When I was alone, I put on the dress Lily had given me. It was black and reached mid-thigh. Two straps were tied in my neck and the ends dangled down my quite bare back. Lily had called it a cocktail-dress, which I thought was rather a strange name, but the dress was lovely.

I applied some make-up and did my hair, almost squealing with joy when it actually did what I wanted. After I had put on my heels, I opened the door.

Sirius whistled. "I like that dress. How about we skip the party and go home now?" he suggested leeringly.

"You can't miss your best friend's birthday."

"Damn it," Sirius pouted.

"Immature twit," I laughed. "I'll still be wearing this dress at the end of the evening."

"I'll hold you to that," he grinned.

"Can we go now?" Remus asked. "Gideon and Fabian have already left. You look lovely, Niamh."

"Thank you, Remus." I turned to Sirius. "See? At least Remus knows how to compliment a girl without suggesting a tumble between the sheets."

Sirius glared darkly at his friend, who grinned cheekily.

"Wait," Peter said. "We can't call you Niamh at the party."

"Wormtail is right," Sirius said, as if that surprised him. "Pick a name, love."

"Er…best keep it close to my own name." I thought for a moment. "How about Nicole?"

"That'll do," Sirius shrugged. "Let's go, Nicky."

I snorted, but linked my arm with his.

* * *

**Potter Mansion**

Sirius was quite nervous about bringing Niamh to the party, but it turned out he had nothing to worry about. People paid her little attention. His reputation of carelessness with women had survived Hogwarts and people thought she was just another conquest.

He looked at his 'date'. Man, that dress was sexy. He would have to remember to thank Lily later. Lily and James waved at him from across the room and walked to them.

"Congrats, Prongs," he grinned. "Maybe now you'll finally develop some brains."

James snorted. "Like you developed brains when you turned nineteen, you mean?" he asked sarcastically.

"Of course not, Prongsie. I've always had brains. In large quantities, I might add." Sirius ignored the roll of Niamh and Lily's eyes. "This is Nicole er…Car…er…"

"Carmichael?" Lily suggested.

"Yes, Nicole Carmichael."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Nicole," James grinned.

"Happy birthday, James," she smiled.

"Come on," Lily said to her. "Let's leave them alone to do their male bonding marauding thingy." Giggling, they walked away from the Marauders, who were slapping James on the back.

"So," Sirius said and wiped some stray strands of black hair from his eyes, "when are you going to pop the question? If you wait any longer, Lily might come to her senses and dump you."

As if on cue, James turned a sickly shade of green.

"Padfoot has a point, Prongs," Remus said. "She's bound to find out sometime soon. You keep that ring in your pocket all the time."

James's faintly green face contorted.

"Prongs, if you're going to vomit, please aim the other way. I rather like this shirt." Sirius eyed his friend warily.

"What if she says no?" James whispered.

"Of course she won't say no," Sirius said. "She loves you. Granted, it took her seven years to get there, but now she loves you."

"Oh god," James groaned. "What if it's all just a plan? She hated me for six and a half years. She's just waiting for me to propose to her, so she can say no. It's the perfect revenge."

Three Marauders stared incredulously at their friend.

"Well, it's official," Sirius sighed. "Prongs has gone mental."

"She won't say no," Remus soothed. Peter nodded, patting his friend on the back.

"I could get her drunk for you," Sirius offered. "It's Lily; that shouldn't take more than ten minutes. Five, if I give her Firewhisky."

"You're not helping, Padfoot," Remus threatened.

"I'm going to be sick," James whined. "I think I'll just forget about the whole thing."

" 'Forget about the whole thing'? How much have you had to drink, mate?" Sirius asked.

"Nothing!" James answered indignantly.

"Problem identified."

"Don't you dare get him drunk, Padfoot," Remus warned him.

"Of course not. Will you just trust me?"

Remus and Peter exchanged meaningful looks.

"Here's what we're going to do," Sirius said, flinging his arm around his tense friend. "We are going to get a Firewhisky – one Firewhisky," he added, looking at Remus. "Then you are going to Lily and you take her away from all these people. When you're alone, you tell her you love her and then you propose to her. She'll say yes, because she loves you too and wants to marry you and make lots of mini-Jamesies."

"You really think so, Sirius?" James asked timidly.

"Yes, James. Not a doubt in my mind," Sirius answered.

"Right. I can do this," James said and pushed his glasses up his nose. "Now where's that Firewhisky?"

* * *

Ten minutes later Sirius found Niamh. She looked suspiciously at him. "What are you smirking about?" 

"Nothing." He kissed her temple. " Come on, I want you to meet James's parents."

They walked to an elderly couple. It was easy to see where James got his genes from. Sirius introduced Niamh to Roger Potter, an elder version of James, glasses and messy hair included.

"Sirius, dear, are you coming over for lunch this Sunday?" Abigail Potter asked.

"Of course, Abby. You know I can't go long without your cooking skills," Sirius smiled.

"Would that have something to do with your own cooking skills, or rather your lack of them?" Abby retorted with twinkling eyes. "I'm so flattered."

"It's your company I don't want to miss," he said, flashing a charming smile at his best friend's mother.

"Still the charmer, I see," Roger grinned.

"Nobody can resist me," Sirius replied cockily.

"Wanna bet?" Niamh challenged him.

"You're on."

"Oh, you have no idea what you've just gotten yourself into," Abby said, patting Niamh's hand.

"Abby Potter, you'd think you don't like me, the way you talk about me," Sirius said indignantly.

"Of course I like you," Abby soothed. "It's just that sometimes you need to be…"

"…restrained and hospitalized?" Niamh finished.

"Thank you, Nicky," Sirius growled.

"You're most welcome," Niamh grinned back, batting her eyelashes at him.

"On second thought, maybe I should warn you about her, Sirius. She looks well capable of handling you," Abby commented.

"That she does," Sirius admitted. "If you'll excuse us, it's about time I asked her to dance with me."

Sirius led Niamh to the small dance floor and twirled her around. He told her the names of the Muggle bands, whose music was playing. Rolling Stones, Meat Loaf, Bee Gees, ABBA. Sirius laughed at her expression when he told her the strange names.

They were dancing to a particularly slow song of the Commodores, when the music suddenly stopped. James and Lily were holding hands, beaming almost impossibly wide.

"He did it!" Sirius whispered.

"Did what?" Niamh whispered back.

"Shh."

James cleared his throat. "Tonight I've finally found the courage to do something I should've done a long time ago."

Sirius noticed Abby clasping her hands in front of her mouth. Her eyes began to glisten.

"I've asked Lily to marry me." James ruffled his hair with a shy grin. "I don't know what happened, but she said yes."

"James Potter, shy," Sirius said, shaking his head. "I thought I'd never live to see the day."

"We're getting married!" James finished. Lily kissed him. Sirius whistled loudly in approval.

People began moving towards the happy couple to congratulate them. When Niamh and Sirius reached them, James pulled his friend in a tight hug. "Thanks, Padfoot."

"Any time, mate. Any time."

They looked at Niamh and Lily, who were making excited squeaks while looking at the ring. "Women," they said simultaneously.

The rest of the evening was spent in an elated atmosphere. After the last guests had left, the Marauders, Niamh, and Lily dropped exhausted into chairs.

Gideon had turned Niamh back to her normal self. He had waited until all the guests had left and pointed his wand at Niamh. "The one who has done the transfiguring has to turn it back. Silence, please. I have to perform the incredibly complicated spell called…"

Niamh shut her eyes tightly.

"…_finite incantatem!_"

Niamh opened her eyes. "Are you kidding me?"

"Nope," Gideon grinned. "Goodnight, love."

"Night," Niamh replied. "Oh, and Gideon? Thanks. It meant a lot to me."

"You're welcome," Gideon smiled. "Bye."

Niamh walked to the sofa where Sirius was sitting, ruffling her hair that had turned red and wild again, and sat next to him.

Remus smiled when he saw them cuddle up to each other, Sirius draping an arm around her shoulders.

"I'm so bloody tired," Peter yawned.

"Me too," James agreed.

"Here's to James and Lily," Sirius toasted. "It may not have been love at first sight – for Lily, at least – but it's definitely going to last. And to the Marauders, who have endured Prongs's whining for many years and are very happy to see his life's wish fulfilled."

Everybody drank to that.

"You know, it wasn't love at first sight with us either," Niamh said sleepily.

"No, it was lust at first sight," Sirius answered.

"Was not," Niamh frowned.

"It was for me."

"That's sick, Sirius. We've known each other since we were toddlers."

"Yeah, but you were a very hot toddler. Freckles, nose high in the air, that red hair flying all over the place. It has calmed down since then… Well, slightly."

"Excuse me, but we can't all have perfect hair like you," Niamh huffed.

"So you think I have perfect hair."

"You're an insufferable git, that's what I think."

"You love me," Sirius stated contently.

Remus smiled when he saw his friend drop a kiss in Niamh's hair. It surprised him how gentle Sirius could be at times. He probably wasn't even aware of it himself.

Remus caught James's look. They grinned at each other. Life was good tonight.


	31. Fiancés and Weddings

**Fiancés and Weddings**

Evan came to visit me a week after James and Lily had engaged themselves. It was even more difficult to spend time with him now I was back with Sirius. After we'd made up, we hadn't talked explicitly about it anymore, but I knew Sirius understood what I had to do. Not that he liked it; in fact, I suspected him of having multiple and imaginative ways of killing Evan in mind.

I was on my way finding a balance as an Occlumens. It meant that the vomiting had returned, since I now had to stop practising Occlumency regularly, but all in all it was going rather well. Except when it came to Evan. I had to use all my strength not to completely shut myself down when I was with him. If I was completely honest with myself, I admitted I was scared of him. Terrified, even.

Evan was dangerous. He was such a charming man. He was even a close acquaintance of the Minister of Magic. He could deceive anybody. If he wanted, he wrapped you around his finger in an instant. Good looks, intelligence, charm, wealth. He had it all. He would be the perfect man, if not for two things. His cruel nature, and his ruthlessness. Every time I was sent on a mission with him, my mind was imprinted with the notion that getting on Evan's bad side would be fatal. Literally.

Evan's image was everything to him and he would go to any length to protect it. He needed an unspoiled image for his career. I knew that; I should not have been surprised. But I was.

"Evan, finally," I smiled. "Come in." He walked after me to my living room. "Do you want a drink?" I called over my shoulder.

Evan took off his cloak and leather gloves. "Niamh, sit down please. There's something I have to tell you."

I frowned, but sat on the couch. "Is something wrong?"

He sat down next to me. "You know I will take over my father's company in a few years."

I nodded in slight confusion. I had no idea what he was aiming at.

Evan looked me in the eye, very gravely. "I hoped that it wouldn't, but Rowan and Naoise's death has already reflected on me and my family." He took my hand. "Because of you. Because you're my fiancée."

"I'm aware of that."

"I can't let that happen," Evan answered.

I narrowed my eyes. "What are you saying, Evan?" A tiny bubble of hope floated in my stomach, but I dared not let it expand, out of fear of being wrong.

"The Dark Lord has talked to me about this, and I agree that it's best to keep the family business clear of any association with Death Eaters. We can't afford to lose the influence of our company right now. I'm sorry, Niamh, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to break the engagement."

I stared at him, lost for words. After a long silence I swallowed, closing my mouth that had fallen open. "Y -- you want to break…" I stuttered.

"I want you to know that had it not been for this whole unfortunate affair, I would never have done it," he asssured me, misinterpreting my reaction.

I blinked. "I see."

"I'm sorry."

I shook my head. "Don't be." _Really. _"I agree that it's for the best that we keep your family business away from any accusations. We need its influence. And I would never go against the wishes of the Dark Lord. He knows best." The bubble of hope bounced up and down in my stomach when I took my ring from my finger. "You'll be wanting this back."

"Perhaps we can try again when this has all blown over," Evan suggested. "We could always continue our relationship unofficially."

"This will take a long time to blow over," I said a little too quickly. I paused. "And if I'm not mistaken, you need to marry and produce an heir before you can take over the business. Is that not one of your father's demands?"

"You're right."

"Find yourself a good wife, Evan," I said gently. _Preferably a naïve one who can't see through you, so she doesn't have to live in fear like I have done._ I tilted my head. "And perhaps, we could be friends?"

Evan smiled. "I'd like that." He pocketed the ring, before he looked at me again. "I think it's time I told your parents. You don't need to be there if you don't want to. This is my responsibility."

I nodded. I did not feel the need to be within firing range of my mother when she heard the news. "I'll stay here."

We got up and walked to the door. I stood on my toes and kissed my ex-fiancé on his cheek. "Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Niamh."

I watched him Disapparate and closed the door. Leaning against the wood I lifted my arm and stared dazedly at my hand. It looked strangely nude without the ring. Suddenly I ran to the bathroom and began scrubbing my hand clean to rid my skin of any trace of that ring. It was not enough. I yanked off my robes and jumped under the shower, scrubbing and cleaning until my skin was pink and sore. When I couldn't lift my arms anymore I leaned against the cool wall and slumped down, finding myself crying all of a sudden. Sobs racked my body until all I could do was hiccough a little.

I clenched my jaw. "Out of my life. Out of my life," I hissed through my teeth, repeating it. Never again would I have to endure the look in his eyes, his hands on my skin, his lips on mine. He was gone. I would not have to pretend anymore.

Exhausted, I got up and turned off the scalding water. While I was drying myself off, I realised something and I swore crudely. Evan was _not_ gone from my life. He was a fellow Death Eater, and a friend now. I would still have to pretend. Overcome with rage at my own powerlessness, I grabbed a bottle of perfume and threw it against the mirror. I watched the shattered glass in satisfaction. I fled the bathroom when the scent of the ruined perfume became sickening.

Still simmering with that strange anger I put on some clothes and Apparated to Lana's house. I needed my selfish and optimistic friend right now.

"Darling, you look horrible," she said when she saw me standing on the porch. "What have you done?"

I smiled about Lana's lack of tact. "Getting dumped."

"What?" she grumbled. "Get in. Now." We walked to her living room. "Talk," she ordered after conjuring up some tea.

"Apparently my suspected activities as a Death Eater damaged the reputation of his business."

Lana had not once asked me if I really was a Death Eater. I guess it was because she couldn't imagine herself being ruled by another. That was just incomprehensible to her, and therefore her best friend could not be ruled by someone else either. On top of that, Lana firmly believed that no one had to justify their actions but to themselves.

She looked at me. "Did you love him?"

"Of course not," I scoffed. That was something I had never had to pretend in front of Lana.

"Then why are you so angry?" she asked cunningly.

"Because… He's… Ugh, I don't know." I made a frustrated gesture with my hand. "I suppose it's because in some way he got me. I always imagined getting back at him."

"Getting back for what?" Her voice was sharp.

"For wanting me as his wife. For ruining every chance I had with…"

"…with Sirius," she finished for me. "You haven't forgotten him then?"

I was entering dangerous territory now. To keep her safe she did not know I was in the Order and in a relationship with Sirius, but she was one of the few people who knew I had loved the blood traitor, before my engagement to Evan.

"He's not easy to forget." _Now that is true._

"Have you seen him lately?"

"Not since we broke up," I lied.

"I heard he and his friends are involved in the war against You-Know-Who."

"I heard that too," I said vaguely and decided to change the subject. "By the way, how are things with you and Gareth?"

Lana huffed. "He wants to settle down. Marriage and children, and such. Not for me, no thank you."

"Have you told him that?"

"Of course. Are you forgetting who you're talking to? I made it perfectly clear, but he just won't listen!" Indignation flared in Lana's black eyes.

"Maybe he thought you would change," I suggested.

"Then he was mistaken," she said decidedly, tossing her shiny black hair over her shoulder.

"Well, I'm hardly suitable to give advice. I've managed to royally screw up every relationship I've had," I shrugged. "But it seems to me that one of you has to make a concession."

"My uterus is not negotiable, Niamh," Lana said threateningly.

"Fine, then Gareth will have to make a concession."

"I tried to tell him that, but I could just as well have said it in Mermish. He just doesn't get what I'm saying. He thinks that if we just try it, I will change my mind."

"Well…"

"Darling, we've discussed this before. The only person I love enough to make changes for is myself. I'm just not the motherly type. Do you see me as a mother?"

I hesitated. "Not exactly…"

"See? What is it with people these days? Marrying and popping out babies all over the place! It's this war, I'm telling you. James Potter is engaged to Lily Evans, and Frank Longbottom proposed to Alice Hayden. She's still in Hogwarts, for Salazar's sake!"

"I heard," I said neutrally.

"Whatever happened to taking your time and letting a relationship develop?"

"Preaching to the converted here," I chuckled, "but I'm surprised to hear you say that. Lana Langdon wanting to develop a relationship?" I grinned and shrugged. "Well, I suppose it's a lot better to marry for love than for money."

"Sorry, love," Lana apologized. "It is. You do know that whole speech was just a load of crap so I don't have to make a commitment, don't you?"

"I do," I laughed. "Glad you realise it yourself. Anyway, speaking about loads of crap… I think Evan's had enough time to tell my parents the good news. Time to make an appearance."

"Good luck."

"Thanks." _I'll need it._

* * *

"NIAMH ASHTORETH CARDEN!" my mother screamed. 

I cringed. _Oh, Merlin, she's using my middle name._

"How could you do this to me?" she whined. "I'll be the laughing stock of our circle. The mother who can't control her daughter. A daughter who has ruined two chances of a good marriage. TWO!"

"I beg your pardon, Mother," I said coolly. "It was Evan who broke the engagement, not me."

"Don't play fool with me, young lady. This is all your fault. If this ruins your sister's chances of marrying Orion Zabini, I will never forgive you."

I looked at my father for help. He was sitting in his favourite armchair with a glass of brandy. "Well done, daughter," he said, saluting me with his glass.

I turned to my mother. "Calm down, Mother. This will all blow over soon."

"If this will all blow over soon," my mother shrieked, "why then has Evan broken the engagement?"

"Because he has to marry and produce an heir before he can take over his father's position," I answered, biting back a smug grin.

"You're loving this, aren't you?" my mother hissed at me.

I raised an eyebrow. "Well, I can't say that I mind not having to perform as a breeding machine in my marriage." I leaned back in my fauteuil. "Just focus on Deirdre. She seems to be loving it."

"This is not acceptable," my mother sputtered, pink blushes appearing on her creamy complexion. "The other women will make fun of me."

I huffed. "I could always ask the Dark Lord to change his mind. After all, he doesn't have anything better to do than consider your position in society," I said coldly.

"Now, now, there's no need for threats," my father intervened smoothly. "Your mother just has different priorities from you."

"Clearly," I answered.

My father looked at us. Amusement twinkled in his eyes, while he loosely held his glass in balance on an arm rest. "Well, we can't marry you off to a Rosier anymore," he deducted. "However, we've made amends with the Malfoys. Your classmate Devon would be a bit inappropriate, since his sister married your brother, and Rowan's death is a little too recent for a new union." He tilted his head. "Why don't you give Lucius another chance? After all, you're not _too young_ anymore."

I stared at my father in pure disbelief.

"That would have been a wonderful idea, Bran," my mother hissed, "had it not been for the fact that Lucius engaged himself to Narcissa Black two days ago."

I could not help it. I laughed out loud. "You're kidding me."

"I assure you, I am not," my mother said with tight lips.

"Well, it looks like you'll turn out a spinster, my dear," my father said casually, swirling the brandy in his glass with a perfectly unconcerned look.

"Over my dead body," my mother protested.

"Surely not, Astarte."

I looked at my father. I had never really understood him. He was a powerful wizard and closely acquainted with the Dark Lord, yet he had never taken the Mark. Instead he had allowed his son and daughter to do so. It made sense; why would my father align himself with a wizard that was still in diapers from his point of view? Having his children made Death Eaters would ensure that he was close to the Dark Lord should he prevail. If not, he could always say he had nothing to do with his children's decisions.

_Yes_, I decided, _that sounds like something my father would do. But would he not bear a grudge against the wizard that had caused the extinction of his family name? Or would he consider that as a risk he had taken?_

I was rapidly getting a headache and turned my attention to my mother, who was much easier to understand. Trophy wife, wanting her daughters to be the next generation of trophy wives. She was still stewing and stared at me with venomous eyes. I quickly decided to intervene, in case she wanted to bring Sirius into the conversation. "How's Deirdre doing at Hogwarts, by the way?" I asked my father. "Have you heard from professor Morton lately?"

My mother's eyes widened.

"Deirdre is doing well," my father answered, raising a red eyebrow at my sudden change of subject.

"That's great. Isn't it, Mother?"

* * *

Sirius was ecstatic when he heard that Evan had dumped me. He practically bounced around the room, summoned a bottle of champagne, and dragged me to his bedroom to have his way with me. Needless to say I didn't mind. 

James and Lily decided they wanted to get married soon and had planned the wedding on June 15. In the months leading up the wedding I was assigned a new task by Voldemort: gathering followers. We were to convince wizards and witches to join the Dark Lord, and if they did not comply use more forceful ways of persuasion. I found out I was rather good at this persuading, along with Severus Snape. It was very useful, because I could give Dumbledore the names of the people who had turned. He and the Ministry had to very careful in dealing with these people, in order to protect my cover.

Lana was right, though. The wizarding community acted as if they were at war. And frankly, they were. People disappeared all over England, murders and tortures were on the front page of the Daily Prophet every day. From the Order members who worked at the Ministry I heard that the Heads of the various Departments could not handle all the trouble and the Aurors worked overtime on a daily basis.

Sirius and Remus often said they could smell fear in the streets. People didn't talk to each other and stayed home as much as they could. Some things – like work and arguments – were not as important anymore. Like Lana had said, wizards and witches got married hastily, trying to make the best of the time they had left. It was a strange atmosphere we were living in.

On the morning of the fifteenth of June I was standing behind Lily, adjusting her wedding dress with Abby Potter and Alice Hayden, who was Lily's bridesmaid. Gideon had turned me into Nicole Carmichael again and Abby was thrilled to see me. She asked me loads of questions about Sirius and me. Fortunately Sirius and I had stemmed our stories beforehand.

After we had perfected Lily's dress, Abby kissed her soon-to-be daughter-in-law and said she would go downstairs to check on the 'boys', by which she meant her husband, son, and adopted son, to see if they hadn't wrecked the place.

"I still wish you could be my bridesmaid too," Lily said, looking at me in the mirror.

I smiled and put my hand on her shoulder. "I can't draw too much attention to myself, but I'll be here the whole day."

Alice knew who I really was. Dumbledore had invited her into the Order the minute she had graduated, eight days ago. She would start her Auror training in September. "When is your father coming?" she asked.

"Any minute," Lily answered. "Remus is bringing him here."

"And your sister?" I asked.

Lily shook her head. "She won't come to a freak-gathering." She blinked away some tears.

"I'm sorry, Lils," I said. Her father would be her only relative on the wedding. Lily's mother had died three years ago of a Muggle illness.

She wiped away her tears. "Look at me. I've been crying all morning."

"Just pre-wedding jitters," Alice smiled.

"Oh, I want to tell you something," Lily suddenly said. "I haven't even told James, because he would just get all egomaniacal again."

"What is it?" Alice and I asked simultaneously.

"I've never told this to anyone, but I've always found James attractive, even when he was being an arrogant toerag," she grinned.

Suddenly a triumphant sound came from the other side of the door, followed by a muffled groan.

Alice, Lily, and I glared at each other and I marched over to the door, yanking it open. Sirius and James stumbled inside, crashing to the floor. James looked up with a guilty expression, whereas Sirius merely gave me his puppy look, hoping I would not be mad.

"What are you doing?" I asked sternly.

"Er… we just wanted…" James stuttered. "It was Sirius's idea."

"Was not," Sirius protested, pushing James off him. "You wanted to peek at Lily's dress."

"Yeah, well, you wanted to listen in on their conversation," James retorted.

"James Potter! I have told you it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding!" Lily shrieked.

"That's just with Muggles," James sighed exasperatedly.

"Out!" I ordered. "Get out!" I shooed them away and closed the door. "Idiots!"

"I resent that!" Sirius bellowed from the other side.

"Bite me!"

"Did that last night, love. Open the door and I'll do it again."

"Bugger off!"

"Make me!"

"Hah! No sex for a week!"

"You evil witch," Sirius gasped. "Fine! Have it your way."

I heard him stomp off, followed by James's sniggers. Lily and Alice burst out laughing.

I turned around and grinned. "Works like a charm. Now let's get you ready."


	32. Just When Things Go Well

**Just When Things Go Well...**

**Potter Mansion**

Sirius and James walked downstairs and found Roger Potter and Remus talking to Christopher Evans, Lily's father. Frank was trying to drag Peter away from the wedding cake.

"You need to get ready," Abby told her son. "Don't let me catch you going upstairs again! And do something about that hair!"

Sirius and James grinned at each other and went into what they had dubbed the 'groom's room'.

"You too," Abby added, waving at her husband and Mr. Evans. "We have to leave for the church in half an hour. Hurry up."

Sirius closed the door after flashing a reassuring grin at the stressed look Abby gave him. He took his jacket from the chair he had hung it over and put it on. Lily had asked him to wear a Muggle suit, which he rather liked, but no way he was going to wear a tie.

The wedding ceremony would be held in a Muggle church where only a few people would be present. No need to scare the wits out of the Muggles by bringing dozens of wizards and witches to the church. Besides, there was the International Statute of Secrecy to consider. After the wedding, Lily and James would hold a reception here at Potter Mansion, where they could invite as many wizards and witches as they wanted.

Sirius checked his appearance in the mirror and ran his hands through his hair. He had had it cut last week. It now barely reached his collar. He turned to James and found him staring in another mirror, deadly white.

"You okay, Prongs?" he asked.

"I don't feel so good," James answered.

Sirius laughed and clapped him on the back. "That's just your nerves."

"Am I doing the right thing, Sirius?"

"Marrying the girl you've loved for seven years, you mean?" Sirius inquired innocently. "Yeah, I'd say you're on the right track."

James smiled. "I'm glad you'll be up there with me as my best man."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world, James," Sirius said earnestly.

The door went open and Remus poked his head inside. "You ready? We have to go."

"I'm ready," James confirmed.

* * *

**Rosedale Church**

I loved the wedding ceremony in the picturesque church. Lily looked positively radiant in her elegant dress, Abby spent most of the time crying, and Sirius looked ridiculously handsome in a black Muggle suit.

Remus, who was sitting next to me, leaned over and whispered in my ear, "You're supposed to watch the ceremony, not stare at the best man all the time."

"He's looking mighty fine," I sighed with a drawl I had heard a Southern belle use in a Muggle film Lily had shown me. 'Away with the wind' I think it was called.

Remus snorted softly. "Thank you very much for that information."

In silence we watched Lily and James take their vows. Even Sirius managed to behave himself and refrained from making naughty comments when James kissed Lily. He smiled and applauded.

After the first dance back at James's house Sirius had thrown all decorum overboard and slid an arm around my waist. "Miss Carmichael, I do believe I saw you looking at me during the wedding. Have you taken a fancy to me?"

"Mr. Black, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about," I retorted haughtily.

"Does that mean I imagined the look in your eyes that said you wanted to rip the clothes off my body?"

"Yes, you must have been mistaken. I'm not that kind of woman."

"Should I perhaps whisk you away and teach you the ways of wicked men then?" Sirius suggested, smiling seductively at me.

"Surely you don't want to forsake your duties as best man?" I asked sweetly.

"I don't have to give a speech for another half hour. What is your answer?"

"Absolutely not. Everybody will know what we're up to," I protested.

"Of course not. We'll sneak out." He grabbed my hand and led me to an empty room, avoiding groups of talking wizards and witches with skill, making me wonder exactly how much experience he had with this kind of thing. He closed the door behind me. I turned around. "This is a bad idea," I insisted.

"I happen to be a great fan of bad ideas," Sirius grinned. "Get over here."

"I don't even look like myself," I said, folding my arms.

"What? And you think I don't know it's you? Just because your hair and nose are different, doesn't mean it's not you," Sirius replied, raising an eyebrow. "Although I am curious whether Gid's spell changed all of your hair."

"Pig!"

He walked closer, giving an alluring smile. "I know every curve of your body... every sensitive spot... every sound that you make... the way you part your lips when you want to be kissed," he said huskily.

My breath hitched. _Damn that man._

"That's what I want," Sirius finished, running his thumb over my bottom lip. He bent down to me and brushed his lips over my jaw, kissing the sensitive skin below my ear. His hot breath in my neck sent shivers down my spine.

My eyes fell shut. "Not fair," I choked out, tilting my head to one side to allow him better access. Heat began to pool in my body.

Sirius chuckled in my neck. "I know." His hands slid over my body, pulling me flush against him.

"Merlin, I want you," I moaned and wriggled my hips closer against him. He turned us around and pushed me against the wall. His hand slid under my dress and up my thigh.

"Happy to comply," he said, sounding out of breath. I had no time to reply as he claimed my mouth in a hungry kiss.

* * *

Some time later we walked outside again after straightening our clothes. We found James and Lily with Remus and Peter. 

"Where did you two go?" James asked. "You're supposed to give a speech in five minutes."

"Something came up," Sirius answered with a straight face.

I choked on the wine Lily had just given me. _That's one way of putting it._

"I see," Lily said. "Tell me, when did you start wearing lipstick, Sirius?"

Sirius kept his face completely composed. "I like my lips red, thank you."

"Just pray that my mother doesn't find out you have been…" James stopped and cleared his throat. "Great, unwanted mental images," he mumbled then.

I chuckled and wiped the lipstick off Sirius's lips. He thanked me with a distinctly mischievous twinkle in his eyes and climbed on a chair to get everybody's attention.

"Your attention, please," he called and sent red sparks in the air with his wand. Everybody turned towards him. "I'd like to propose a toast." He looked at James and Lily and raised his cup. "To James, the best friend a man could wish for, and Lily, beautiful, smart, kind, and gifted. Who wouldn't want to marry her?"

He grinned at James. "Don't scowl, Jamesie. You're beautiful too, but I don't want to give people the wrong idea."

The guests laughed. James raised his cup at his best friend.

Sirius continued, "I don't have to tell you how James and I became friends. For most people that is well known. All I have to say is: Remus, Peter, Gryffindor, and pranks. I don't have to say anything about Lily either. We all know she is a great witch and a wonderful woman. I don't have to wish them the best, because I know they'll _have_ the best. They have each other." He turned to the newlyweds. "Here's to you. I _know_ you'll have all the happiness in the world."

Applause and cheers came from the guests. Sirius jumped down from his chair and was enveloped in the arms of a teary-eyed Lily. She whispered something in his ear and he gave her a bashful grin.

"Wow," I said appreciatively when he stood next to me again and smiled at him. A faint blush crept over his cheeks and he kissed me to hide it.

An hour of so later Sirius and I danced slowly around the dance floor. I saw Remus declining an offer to dance from an attractive witch. I frowned.

"It's Zarah," Sirius answered my unarticulated question.

"That's been a year," I said. Last year Zarah Williams had been murdered by Death Eaters, shortly after she and Remus had become involved in the Order.

"It's different for a werewolf," Sirius explained. "Wolves mate for life. Remus is only partly wolf, so it's not completely the same, but for him a relationship means instant commitment. When a wolf's mate dies, he pines away and dies. That won't happen to Remus," he added quickly, seeing my shocked face, "but losing a loved one cuts deeper with werewolves."

"I had no idea," I said softly.

"He's having a hard time right now," Sirius said, looking at his best friend. "You know, Zarah being Lily's best friend…"

Without a word I dragged Sirius over to Remus and dropped on the sofa next to him. I kissed the werewolf on the cheek. Surprised he pulled back and looked at me. "You told her," he concluded and glared at Sirius.

"I did," Sirius admitted.

"I'm sorry, Remus. I wish you would've told me," I said.

"I don't need pity," Remus said with a clenched jaw.

"Pity? I'm a Slytherin, darling. I don't do pity," I said with raised eyebrows. "I'm here to offer comfort." I summoned a bottle of Firewhisky and held it up to him with a cheeky grin.

Despite himself Remus smiled. "You have no idea how much you're like Sirius sometimes."

"No need to get offensive," I joked.

"Hey!" Sirius said angrily.

"Alcohol won't solve it," Remus sighed. "I just need time."

I Banished the bottle. "I know."

"Thank you for trying to cheer me up," Remus smiled.

I leaned closer to him, looking through my lashes, and brought my mouth close to his ear. Sirius's eyebrow immediately went up. "Why don't we try to piss Sirius off? That's always fun."

Remus snorted with laughter and whispered in my ear, "What did you have in mind?" He smiled seductively at me.

A distinct frown had now appeared on Sirius's face.

"Dance with me," I ordered.

Remus got up, grabbing my hand to pull me up with him.

"Oh, I know you're just trying to annoy me," Sirius growled, folding his arms.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I denied. "Sweep me off my feet, Remus."

He placed his arm around my waist and pulled me a lot closer to him than was appropriate. "It'll be my pleasure, Nia -- Nicole," Remus smiled.

Sirius huffed and slouched on the sofa.

Remus twirled me around the dance floor, slowly counting to twenty under his breath.

"What are you doing?" I whispered.

"Just watch. Nineteen… twenty… twenty-one… twenty-two… wow, he has improved."

I frowned in confusion, but then I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Mind if I cut in?" Sirius asked gruffly.

Remus burst out laughing. "Not at all, mate." He handed me over to Sirius with a wink and took off.

"Pestering git," Sirius mumbled. "And you too," he added, looking at me.

I slipped my arms around his neck. "That temper of yours…" I admonished him.

"Fine, so I may be a little jealous and possessive…"

"…reckless, short-tempered, impulsive, big-mouthed, volatile?" I suggested.

"When did this wedding turn into a Sirius-bashing party?" said man asked indignantly.

I gave him a peck on the lips. "Loyal, passionate, protective, energetic, courageous, spirited, strong-willed…"

"Yeah, yeah, I get the point. I'm great."

"Arrogant, over-confident…"

"Enough already," Sirius sighed exasperatedly.

"Easily bored…"

"I know a way to shut you up, but you won't appreciate it in the middle of the dance floor," Sirius threatened.

"Lusty…"

"And you like it," Sirius said proudly.

"No, I like you," I said.

"Flatterer," he snorted.

"That's the best you can come up with?" I challenged him.

"Short, annoying, haughty, and big-headed," Sirius grinned.

"Bastard!"

"Foul-mouthed."

I pouted.

"Intelligent, sharp, strong, passionate, classy, determined, and brave."

"I'm only brave because of you," I admitted.

"Of course you're not," Sirius protested.

"I am. I would never have left my family if it wasn't for you giving me that choice."

"I think you would have," Sirius said. "Like Moony said, we're a lot alike. Maybe not in character traits, but we have the same background and we both see that background clearly. You're stronger than me, I think, because you managed to free yourself even though you were in Slytherin. It was a lot easier for me in Gryffindor."

"Not with your family," I said softly.

Sirius quirked an eyebrow. " Because your family relations are so wonderful."

I shrugged. I rested my cheek against his shoulder and was silent for a while. "Have we really freed ourselves, Sirius?"

Sirius pushed me back and locked his gaze with mine. "Yes," he said firmly. "We are free."

"What do you think we'll be doing twenty years from now?"

Sirius grinned mischievously. "I will still annoy you out of socks, James will have his own Quidditch team called Potter United, Remus will have taken up permanent residence in some library, Peter will have found some girl that loves him. Dumbledore and McGonagall will have realised their feelings for each other and everybody will know we love each other."

"I like that," I smiled. "The Dumbledore and McGonagall thing is quite the issue for you, isn't it?"

"Yes, my mission in life," Sirius said with a completely serious face.

I chuckled. "Kiss me."

"That's my other mission in life."

* * *

Two weeks later I was cleaning my house. Trying to, at least. Cleaning charms were a nuisance, but I didn't want my family's house elf in my apartment. She would die from shock anyway if she was asked to leave the house. 

Lily and James would return from their honeymoon tomorrow. They had sent Sirius some photographs, looking perfectly happy and tanned on it. I hadn't seen Sirius for a few days. His guarding duties had increased so much he was barely home anymore. He had sent me a message that he would be home tonight. So, after I had given up cleaning I changed into something more appealing and Apparated to his house, letting myself in with the key he had given me when he didn't answer the door bell.

I wasn't worried. He was often later than he expected, having to be debriefed by the next shift. I made some tea and searched for the book I was reading. Sirius complained time and again I was turning his house into a library. I was shaken from my thoughts when the clock struck midnight. As usual I had been lost in my book and had not noticed how much time had passed. A pang of worry shot through me. What was taking him so long?

Unable to continue reading I got up and paced around. He had been this late before, true, but only when his shift ended much later than now.

I was just about to send a message to Remus, when Fabian Prewett rang the door bell. Panting, he leaned his arm against the door post for support. A deep gash ran down his face. He pressed his other hand against his ribs, but blood seeped from between his fingers anyway.

"Merlin, what happened?" I cried out.

He looked me reluctantly in the eye. "Sirius and Caradoc have been attacked."


	33. A Dangerous Decision

**A/N: Finally, an update! And on Christmas Eve. It's not really a fluffy chapter, though...hmm, it'll have to do. Anyways, thanks for all the reviews :) Merry Christmas to all of you! And I'll wish you a happy new year in the next chapter. (yes, that's a promise, and if I don't keep it, you can come and hunt me down ;) )****

* * *

**

**A Dangerous Decision **

The world swayed in front of me. "What?" I croaked. "Where are they? Is he alive?"

"I'm not sure. I have to go back," Fabian said hurriedly. "I just came to bring you Dumbledore's orders. You are to go to your own home, stay there, and not move an inch. When we know more, we will let you know."

"WHAT?" I screamed. "Are you insane? I'm not leaving! Where is Sirius? Let me see him!"

"There are still Death Eaters fighting. They might come here as well. It's too dangerous for you. Go home!" Fabian snapped and Disapparated.

Fabian's words echoed in my mind. Not sure… He wasn't sure if they were alive. My insides twisted and squirmed. I could taste the bile on the back of my tongue. For the first time I could imagine what it was like for Sirius every time I put myself in danger.

"Oh God," I moaned. I felt like I was going insane. The thought of having to live without Sirius was enough to render me helpless. Frantically I paced around the room, clutching my hands and groaning whenever it hit me that Sirius could be dead.

I didn't see what I was doing or where I was going. I bumped into the table thrice and tripped over the rug. Flashes of Sirius's dead body appeared before my eyes. I didn't have to imagine the horrors that the Death Eaters had inflicted. I had seen it firsthand before. I groaned again. And when they realised it was Sirius Black they had encountered, they would do even worse. No worse sin than blood treason.

_Merlin, what have they done to him?_

After a long time I managed to calm down sufficiently to Apparate home without getting myself splinched, where I immediately resumed my pacing.

Too much hours later Fabian pounded on the door again. I jerked it open and hissed, "Where is he?"

"In St Mungo's," Fabian answered. "Fourth floor. Spell Damage."

Without a word I stepped outside and Apparated to the magical hospital. I stalked past the waiting witches and wizards, avoiding to bump into the many wooden chairs. A few well-placed death glares scared off the Healers in lime green robes that came up to me to ask what was wrong. I rushed past the welcome witch to the double doors that led to the stairs.

"Niamh?" a surprised voice asked.

I whipped around. The blood drained from my face. Severus Snape was staring at me in confusion. He had called me Niamh. Suddenly it hit me. I had given Fabian no time to change me into Nicole.

"Severus," I greeted him, desperately trying to calm my raging nerves. My voice was unnaturally high. I quickly cleared my throat. "What are you doing here?" I glanced at the clock on the wall. "At seven in the morning?"

"I could ask you the same thing," he retorted. "Why are you dressed like that?"

I looked down and bit back a curse when I realised I was wearing a skirt and top that looked distinctly Muggle.

"And in the company of an Auror, a Prewett even?" Severus added distastefully.

"In the company of an Auror?" I repeated stupidly. Severus stared at Fabian, who was leaning against the wall some feet away. "Oh, you mean him? He's not accompanying me. He is... er... well, following me. You do know what I'm accused of, don't you?" I flashed a teasing smile at him. "They think I'm a horrible, murdering Death Eater. Shocking, isn't it?"

Severus snorted at my innocent expression.

"They won't stop following me around," I finished, praying he would believe me.

"They've put the worst kind on your tail," Severus said, sneering at Fabian. "Nothing worse than a blood traitor."

My stomach turned. "I agree. But why are you here?"

"Checking some rumours. Remember old Sirius Black?"

"Vaguely," I answered disdainfully. My heart leaped in my throat.

"He ran into some people who don't look kindly on blood traitors," Severus smirked.

"Really?" I said thoughtfully. "I wonder who those people are."

"Yes, so do I," Severus commented, raising a meaningful eyebrow at me. I returned the malicious smile, letting him know I understood what he meant.

"I have to go now," I said.

"Be careful." Severus leaned over and lowered his voice. "Make sure they can't track you to certain places."

"No worry. I can handle them," I assured him. "I'll see you later." I turned around to leave, but Severus's voice stopped me.

"What are you doing here anyway?"

_Damnit!_

I turned back. "Er… I came to… to see someone," I stuttered. "A friend… who's sick. And she's been admitted to hospital just yet. It's not serious," I added quickly, to stop him from making concerned inquiries.

"I didn't think it was Sirius," Severus retorted, the corner of his mouth twitching. I paled, realising the confusion. "You're not the type to defile yourself with that kind of filth."

I laughed nervously. "I meant she's not seriously ill, but I thank you for the accurate character assessment."

Severus chuckled.

"Er… well, I really have to go."

"Bye, Niamh."

I turned around and walked blindly through the doors. On the fourth floor I waited for Fabian.

"That was close," he said worried when he stepped on the landing. I waited impatiently in the hallway while he searched for an empty room. Finally he dragged me into a broom closet and transfigured my hair and face.

Finally I could go and see Sirius. I stopped in shock in the doorway. He was lying motionless in a hospital bed. His face was whiter than the sheets, contrasting dramatically with his jet black hair. His eyes were closed.

"Oh Merlin," I moaned. I rushed over to the bed and put my hand on his cheek, sighing in relief when I found it was warm.

Fabian cleared his throat. "I'll leave you alone. Remus and the others should be here soon."

I didn't respond, but sat on the chair next to bed, unable to take my eyes of Sirius's deadly white face. His left arm was wrapped in bandages, as was his chest. I lifted the sheet to check where else he had been injured.

A soft and croaky chuckle made me jump up and drop the sheet.

"Couldn't you have waited with that until after I was conscious again?" Sirius said hoarsely, giving me a ghost of a smile.

"What do you… oh, you pervert!"

"I love you too," he answered. "Could you give me some water? I think those Healers poured sand down my throat."

I helped him drink from the glass on his nightstand. He only managed to swallow a few drops, before he began coughing violently. I quickly put the glass away and waited until he put his head back on the pillow, gasping for breath.

"Hey, you don't have to cry," Sirius soothed. "I'm fine."

"I'm not crying," I huffed and wiped my eyes. "Oh," I said sheepishly, when I felt the moist on my hand.

With his good arm Sirius grabbed my hand and kissed it. "Everything's fine."

"I was so worried. I thought they'd killed you," I choked. "Look at you, you're so pale. Dumbledore wouldn't let me go to you."

"And he was right. There were Death Eaters all over the place. You could have got exposed," Sirius said.

"I thought I lost you," I whispered with a trembling lip.

Sirius smiled. "I know the feeling." He scooted over in the bed, wincing in pain. "Could you get into bed with me, please?"

"What?" I protested. "You're wounded. What will the Healers think?"

"They'll admire me for my incredible stamina," he answered, trying to grin cheekily, but it was too much effort. "Come on, I just want to have you close for a moment."

Sighing, I kicked off my shoes and climbed on the bed. Sirius draped his good arm around me and buried his nose in my hair.

"For a moment there I too thought you had lost me," he mumbled.

I cringed. "Don't say that. I don't know what I would do without you."

"Pine away or marry Remus."

I shot up straight. "WHAT?"

"I'm serious – shut up, no puns. If I'm dead, the only one I could bear to see you with is Remus."

"Did a curse addle your brain or something? First of all, you are not going to die. Second, you're delusional if you think Remus and I will ever get together. It will be like kissing a brother."

"Like that has ever stopped a pure-blood. My parents are first cousins. And we're related too."

"Yeah, we have _one_ great-grandfather in common! I'm not a fan of inbreeding, although in your case it does explain a lot."

"I have a feeling that was an insult," Sirius commented dryly.

"It was."

"You can't insult a wounded man."

"Watch me."

"Why do all our conversations end in verbal duelling?" Sirius sighed exasperatedly.

"Because you're an idiot," I answered.

"Then I will be the better man and apologize for fixing you up with Remus," he said nobly.

"Big feat," I snorted. "You're the _only_ man here."

"Hey! I apologized."

"Alright, you're forgiven." I rolled my eyes.

Sirius laid his head back on his pillow and closed his eyes, panting. He was exhausted.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I shouldn't have..."

"I'm just a little tired," Sirius tried to ease me, but his sickly colour and the beads of sweat on his forehead gave him away.

"Go to sleep," I soothed, wiping his hair from his face. In mere seconds he fell asleep.

I slipped out of the bed and went to look for a Healer. After searching for a while I managed to find the Healer-in-charge, who told me it was a combination of several Dark Curses that had taken out Sirius. They had managed to sort out which curses it were and after a week of taking potions to counter the various effects Sirius could leave St Mungo's.

I walked back to Sirius where I found Dumbledore. He told me to go to work.

"Excuse me?" I huffed. "I'm not leaving this hospital!"

"And how will you explain your absence?" Albus asked sternly.

"I don't care. Sirius nearly died. I'm staying here!" I insisted, trying to keep my voice down so I wouldn't wake Sirius. "You made me wait long enough before I could go and see him. _Sir_."

"This is exactly why I sent Fabian to tell you to go home," Albus retorted. "I've just spoken to him. You've taken an unacceptable risk by coming here. If Severus Snape had found out, your life would've been forfeit, the Order would've lost its spy, and if you were caught you could have exposed every member."

"I was worried out of my mind!" I hissed.

"Half the Order was trying to rescue him. You could have done nothing."

"But I love him!"

"And that love has just put you in great danger. Even when it comes to Sirius, Niamh, you will have to keep your cover intact. That is more important than anything." Albus's face softened. "Go to work and visit him tonight. Sirius will be fine."

I turned around and stalked off, boiling with rage. I pretended not to hear Albus's weary sigh.

After work I headed back to the hospital and found Sirius awake, surrounded by Remus and Peter.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

"I'm fine," Sirius said casually.

"He's putting up a brave face," Remus said. "He's not fine."

"Blabbermouth," Sirius muttered.

I kissed Sirius on the forehead. "You don't have to do that."

After I had found a chair I asked what I had wanted to ask all day. "How is Caradoc?"

Peter looked at his hands and shook his head.

"We don't know," Remus answered. "We haven't found him yet."

"What do you mean we haven't found him yet?" I asked shocked.

"The Death Eaters attacked his house. We couldn't find him," Remus explained. "Either they kidnapped him or…"

"They know he's a member of the Order," Sirius butted in. "They didn't kidnap him. He was already gone by the time I got to his house. They were ransacking the place."

"You went to Caradoc's house?" I asked.

"Yes. I went to check on him after my shift had ended," Sirius affirmed. "When I got there the Death Eaters were everywhere, probably looking for information about the Order. I went in trying to find Caradoc."

"You went into a house full of Death Eaters?" I asked weakly. "Alone?" I put a shaking hand over my eyes.

"Yes, of course."

"YOU WENT INTO A HOUSE FULL OF DEATH EATERS ON YOUR OWN?" I shrieked and jumped from my chair. "Why the hell would you do that? Why didn't you warn the others?"

"Because I thought I might get Caradoc out of there," Sirius answered.

"Are you insane?" I screamed. "They could have killed you. In fact, they nearly succeeded! Do you know what they would do to you if you give them the chance?" I had clenched my fists. "A blood traitor! They would have you begging for death."

"I'd like to see them try," Sirius hissed fiercely.

"Unbelievable! You and your damned Gryffindor hero complex!" I shouted, nearly exploding. "I was almost discovered because of your recklessness!"

"What is going on here?" a Healer asked indignantly, marching inside.

I glared daggers at her and stormed past her. My head spun with emotions. I needed to get out of there.

I decided to walk home to clear my mind. It didn't work. To make matters even worse, my arm began to sting and burn, blackening the mark on my arm. I swore loudly, but summoned my cloak and mask. I took a moment to pull up my defences against Legilimency and Disapparated.

Only three Death Eaters were at the meeting place with the Dark Lord. I frowned.

"Welcome, Niamh," Voldemort's high and cold voice greeted me. "Severus has told me some interesting news."

"Pardon me, master?" I inquired, bowing deeply.

"Severus?" Voldemort asked.

"What were you really doing in St Mungo's today? None of your friends have been admitted to hospital," Severus stated.

"Excuse me?" I sputtered, standing up straight again. "You've been spying on me?"

"You were acting strange," Severus retorted.

I stared open-mouthed at him, fighting the panic that was surfacing. I was silent for a moment and regained my composure. The other two Death Eaters slipped their hoods from their heads and took off their masks. Evan and Lucius.

"What is going on, Niamh?" Lucius asked suspiciously.

The four men stared at me. All men. At that moment the perfect solution came to mind.

I straightened myself. "Fine," I said curtly. "I was hoping I could keep this private, but since you seem to have turned into a paranoid old lady, Severus, I will tell you." I paused for dramatic effect. "I was in St Mungo's for a pregnancy test."

I had hit my mark. All faces except the Dark Lord's turned white.

"A pregnancy test?" Evan asked with difficulty.

"Yes. That is why I was there so early and wearing a ridiculous outfit. I was trying to avoid recognition. The press, and Skeeter in particular, would have a field day if they found out."

"Pregnant by whom?" Lucius asked.

"Really, Lucius," I scorned, "dimwittedness doesn't suit you. Who do you think would be the father?"

Lucius looked at Evan.

"_Are_ you pregnant?" my ex-fiancé asked.

"Fortunately the test was negative," I said, reducing his hopes of an heir to nothing.

"Fortunately?" Lucius repeated. "You didn't want the child?"

"Can you see me doing the Dark Lord's bidding with a belly the size of Wales?" I asked contemptuously.

Voldemort chuckled. "Your devotion moves me." His long fingers caressed my mask and pulled it off. He stared into my eyes. "You're not lying to me, are you, dear Niamh?"

I felt tentacles probe my mind and quickly sent forth images of my relationship with Evan, including very personal details, and shut down any revealing parts. After a while I felt the Dark Lord retreat.

Feeling weak-kneed from the effort it had cost, I hoped he was satisfied. It seemed so when he said to Severus, "If that is all?"

"Yes, master," Severus answered. "Forgive me, master."

"You may go," Voldemort told us and waved us away. I bowed and glared at the three men before Disapparating.

Back in my apartment my legs refused to carry me. Shaking uncontrollably I sank on my couch. This was the closest I had ever been to being discovered as a spy. I stared at my hands, still in shock about the reality of the danger I had just been in. My head was quickly turning into a mess of confusing thoughts, so I decided to go for a walk – again – to clear my mind. The sun had just set. I walked around in the cooling air, trying to sort out my feelings.

Dumbledore was right. I had put myself in a perilous situation by running off to St Mungo's like that. Every rational thought seemed to have vanished from my mind the moment I heard Sirius's life was at risk. I had escaped exposure this time, but I wouldn't be so lucky next time.

_So what to do?_ If I were thinking completely logically, I admitted I would have to eliminate one of the factors that had led to the near-disaster today. That would mean either stop being a spy or give up Sirius.

I scoffed. I couldn't stop being a spy. I couldn't back out on being a Death Eater. I would sign my own death warrant if I did that. That left giving up Sirius. I scoffed again. That wouldn't work either. I couldn't give him up. Even if we weren't together, that didn't stop me from loving him. Besides, I wasn't prepared to give him up.

It was the best solution, though. The more distance there was between him and me, the safer I was. The part of me that was still struck dumb with fear encouraged me to choose for myself. I pondered about it for a while. With Sirius's personality, incidents like the one today would happen more often. He would never care more about his own safety than that of another. His attempt to save Caradoc was proof of that. He felt no regrets; he would do it again tomorrow.

I bit my lip. And I would probably react exactly the same way.

_Again, so what to do? _

As I walked around the park I had mindlessly entered, I realised it was not a difficult choice at all. Dangerous though it could possibly be, I would never give up Sirius.

_Never. _

I wrapped my arms around myself to protect myself from the chilling air.

_And if that means more risk, so be it._


	34. Threat

**A/N: Happy New Year everyone! As promised, a new chapter before the new year. Hope you all enjoy it!

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Threat

The minute he came home from St Mungo's Sirius and I had a huge fight about me almost being discovered. He yelled at me for being an idiot and for being so reckless. I exploded. The nerve of that man, accusing me of recklessness when he was the one barging into a Death Eater-infested house.

We were at each other's throats with our wands in our hands when Remus popped in to visit. He broke us apart, telling us we were both idiots and that the only reason we were fighting was because we were worried about each other. Glaring at the both of us, he ordered us to work it out and Disapparated.

His wand still in his hand, Sirius stared at the empty spot Remus had occupied. "I hate it when he does that."

"So do I," I agreed, pocketing my wand. "Still doesn't give you the right to call me reckless, though."

"Not reckless? You walked into a public place, dressed as a Muggle, and in the company of a blood traitor. To visit another blood traitor! How is that not reckless?" Sirius was getting angry again.

"Well, excuse me for being worried about someone who tries to TAKE ON A WHOLE GROUP OF DEATH EATERS ON HIS OWN!"

"I had to try and save Caradoc!" he argued.

"Yes. And I had to go and see if you were still alive!" I riposted.

Sirius was silent for a while. "I'm sorry," he then said.

I sagged. "I don't like you taking risks like that."

"And I don't like _you_ taking risks like that. Do you realise what could have happened?" he asked.

"Yeah," I answered. "Exactly the same as what could have happened to you."

Sirius nodded, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

"I'm scared, Sirius."

He looked up. "We'll be fine," he reassured me.

I shook my head. "How can we be fine? They're picking us off one by one. We'll never make it through this war alive, not all of us." My lip trembled. "I don't want to lose you."

"Hey," he said softly. "Come here."

I walked into his spread arms and hugged him tightly. "Please be careful," I begged. "Don't take anymore risks like that."

"I won't," Sirius promised. "If you won't overreact, and stop to think for a moment when something happens."

"I will."

"Good." Sirius sighed. "No word from Caradoc?"

"No. Nothing."

"I don't think he made it. There's just… nothing to bury," Sirius said morbidly.

I shuddered. I didn't have any hope either. I knew some of the other Order members thought he was kidnapped, but the Dark Lord knew he was a member of the Order. His Death Eaters had strict orders to take out all members.

"Come on, you need to rest," I said, taking him to his bedroom.

"I'm fine," Sirius protested.

"Do not argue with me," I threatened. "I've been invited to Lucius and Narcissa's wedding yesterday. It would be wise not to upset me right now."

Sirius chuckled. "Give my warm regards to all of them, will you?"

I merely growled in response.

* * *

Albus and I had another serious talk about what had happened. I consented not to take anymore risks like that for the protection of the Order. I told him Sirius and I had already talked about and that it wouldn't happen again. 

Summer passed quickly and bloody. Sirius landed himself in hospital again when Death Eaters finally attacked Dangerley Hall. This time he was joined by Gideon and Fabian and two more Aurors, who had all been injured trying to protect the family. Only lady Dangerley had survived.

The Dark Lord had finally forgiven the failed attack on Griselda and Lothair Marchbanks. Three more members of the Wizengamot were murdered; two by Bellatrix – who was rapidly becoming a favourite of the Dark Lord – and one by Lucius. Several Ministry workers were kidnapped and tortured for information when they had refused to ally with the Dark Lord. I had overheard where they were held and Aurors managed to free them. Only two survived their wounds.

As if to emphasize the need to keep myself under cover, the vampire community detected Professor Morton's link to Dumbledore. Voldemort ordered them to kill him. We found his body at the edge of a moor three days later, completely drained of all his blood.

My father, usually very calm and composed, raged about this treachery and the things he would have liked to do to his childhood friend if he had known about it. Both my mother and I cowered in our fauteuils, although it was for very different reasons. I waited in terror for my father to link the treachery of his friend to the fact that his daughter spent three days in such ill company when she had run away from her impending marriage. I prepared myself to Disapparate as soon as he suspected me of knowing about the treachery.

It never came. Whether he never connected the dots or just believed I had known nothing about it, I would never know.

My mother never mentioned Corbin Morton again.

Dumbledore made the Potions Master, Horace Slughorn, the new Head of Slytherin. I'd never liked him – nor his subject – and there was no way he would be of any use to the Order. By losing a spy the Order had lost yet another battle in the war against the Dark Lord.

A war, though not openly discussed, that still had an impact on Lucius and Narcissa's wedding, and in particular on me. Some people still avoided me. Rita Skeeter's articles had not been forgotten. I could not care less and threw arrogant and evil smiles to anyone who looked at me, until my mother had to reach for her smelling salt when she began to feel faint from all the stress. Rolling my eyes at her acting I went in search of some champagne.

I pretended not to hear the sniggers behind my back. I knew I was being laughed at. Single, working witch, dumped by her fiancé. Oh yes, Evan's reputation was taintless.

_No one knows that only last week he let two Muggle-born children bleed to death, watched by their mother_, I thought bitterly. I remembered the look of pure glee in his eyes. _'Sectumsempra', such a wonderful curse Severus had invented._

Shuddering slightly, I downed my champagne in one gulp. I plastered a smile on my face when Narcissa came to talk to me.

"Niamh, are you all right?" she asked.

"Of course I am," I answered. "Why wouldn't I be? Have I told you that you look gorgeous?"

"Yes, this is the third time," she replied dryly. "Listen, I hope you're okay with me marrying Lucius?"

"Of course I am; that's the third time for you too," I winked. "What we had was a long, _long_ time ago."

"Yes, I know, but the announcement came right before you and Evan broke up, so…"

I raised a hand to interrupt her. "Don't worry so much, Cissy, you'll get wrinkles. I'm fine."

We took a seat. I looked at her. She fidgeted with her dress, suddenly appearing very vulnerable. "Are _you_ all right?" I asked softly.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"You and Evan… That wasn't love, was it? It was arranged."

"Yes, it was arranged," I answered. _And made possible by your scheming._ My jaw clenched almost involuntarily.

"Do you – you think you could've been happy with Evan, had you two married?" she asked timidly. She bit her lip.

Unexpectedly my heart softened. "Cissy, I'm sure you and Lucius will be happy."

"They didn't ask for my opinion, you know," Narcissa suddenly blurted out. "Lucius talked to my father and before I knew it, there was this ring on my finger."

"I know the feeling," I muttered under my breath.

"I only know what you told me about him… Sure, we've talked a few times, but I really haven't seen much of him…"

"Merlin's hairy balls," a familiar voice said behind us. "Please tell me you're not marrying a man you haven't tested first."

"Tested?" I repeated, laughing.

"I have done just that," Narcissa sighed.

Lana quickly drew up a chair and sat herself elegantly upon it. "Oh dear, I knew I should've asked this earlier. How could you do that? What if you two don't have a... _click_?"

"Lana, every witch doesn't have the need to subject their future husband to a bedding skill checklist," I said. "It's no disaster."

Lana stared in the distance for a moment, clearly trying to imagine that, but failed. I chuckled at my friend's face.

"Yes, well, that's not the case here. And it's not as if Cissy's a virgin, she just hasn't been with Lucius yet. This _is_ a potential problem, Niamh," Lana said sternly. "Don't be so casual about it. Your friend could be stuck in a marriage with a man who has no idea what he's doing."

Both women suddenly looked at me.

"What?" I asked. "Oh no, you're kidding me. No, absolutely not. This is not a suitable conversation for a wedding."

"Well, you're the only one of us who knows," Lana said. "I mean, I would be willing to test him for you, Cissy, he looks good enough, but on the day he married…" She clucked her tongue.

"I am not discussing this with his bride," I said through clenched teeth.

Two pairs of eyes looked at me expectantly.

"Merlin!" I cried. "Fine, you'll have nothing to complain about, alright? Nothing. By Morgaine and Circe, I can't believe you made me say that!"

"Excellent, that's settled then," Lana purred satisfied. "And if you get sick of him, you'll just have to cast a strong Conception Charm, give him an heir, and tell him to go and find himself a mistress."

Narcissa chuckled. "Thanks, Lana."

"Anymore of my former liaisons you want to discuss?" I grumbled.

"Actually, now that I'm single again, I've always thought Evan was rather appetizing." Lana licked her lips in a predatory manner.

I scoffed. "Do as you please."

Lana immediately picked up on the strange note to my voice. "What do you mean? Is he any good?"

Oh, this was just too good an opportunity to pass by. My conscious did not even put up a fight. I took it as a good sign. _Revenge is a dish best served cold._ And after all these months the insult of being cast aside had cooled off, but it still simmered. "Well…" I began.

Lana gasped. "No!"

"I have not even said anything yet!" I protested.

"You don't have to. I can see it in your eyes."

"See what?" I asked befuddled.

"A cold fish," Lana groaned. "Damn it! What a waste."

"Incredible," I commented in genuine awe.

"It's a gift," Lana said smugly.

I smirked. I had said nothing, and yet I could be sure rumours of Evan's… supposed failure would be spread. "Be discrete, will you? I still have to deal with him."

"Don't worry," Narcissa said. "I've heard he's been with the entire female half of the pure-blood society lately. He'll never trace the rumour back to you."

I took a new glass of champagne and raised it at my friends. "Cheers."

* * *

Something was bugging me. It had been ever since the wedding, which had been over two months ago. Sirius had begun his Auror training, along with Alice Hayden – now Alice Longbottom – and James had entered his second year. This meant he had to go along on Auror missions as an assistant. Lily was worried out of her mind. She even got me to promise her to Stun and hide her husband immediately should I ever come across him on one of _my_ missions. James was deeply insulted and Sirius laughed his head off. 

I didn't see Sirius often. With his training and his work for the Order, my own job and spying, we were lucky to see each other once a week. Fortunately we were able to meet at his house again. He'd had to sell his house, because Dumbledore suspected its location was known to Voldemort. I couldn't risk going there and Sirius couldn't sit and wait for the Death Eaters to come for him.

He had found a new flat fairly quickly, so we could see each other again, but still something nagged in the back of my head. After not having seen or spoken to Sirius for ten days, I finally was able to go to him.

He pulled me immediately in a hug. "Mhmm, I missed you," he mumbled in my hair.

I pushed him away and walked inside. "Yeah, missed you too," I grumbled. I kicked off my shoes and dropped myself on the couch.

Raising an eyebrow, he walked after me. "Something bothering you, love?"

"No."

"Okay…"

Sirius was obviously at a loss. And so was I. I gave an irritated sigh and tucked my knees under my chin, pointedly looking away from him.

Sirius muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like, "Women."

"I heard that," I growled.

Sirius rolled his eyes and went into the kitchen, only to march back out a second later. "Look, I don't know what's got your knickers in a twist, but I can't take the sulking. Tell me what's wrong!"

"I don't know what's wrong!" I replied angrily. "It's just… I haven't seen you in almost two weeks, all we ever do is sit in your house, because we can't go anywhere since that's too dangerous. We never go to a restaurant, or the cimena, or a club. I can never talk about you, because no one knows I love you. I'm sick of it. It's just not real."

"What isn't real?" Sirius asked, taken aback by my outburst.

"This! Us! We don't have a real relationship!" I shouted. "And when I was at that stupid wedding of Lucius and Narcissa it hurt. They don't love each other, they don't even _have_ a relationship, but they can do what they want in public. It hurts!"

"We _are_ real," Sirius said softly. I was too upset to see the hurt in his eyes.

"No, we're not. I have to schedule time in for you. And the lies; there's just one after another after another…"

"That doesn't matter," he retorted. He walked over to me and pulled me to my feet. "That's all just extra stuff."

He grabbed my hand and placed it over his heart. "Here, you feel this? That's what real. Me. You. This is all that matters. I love you."

Sirius placed his finger under my chin and made me look up at him. "It won't be like this forever. We just have to hold on."

"I'm so sick of this war," I groaned. "I just want it to be over, for things to be normal. I want to be able to walk down the street with you and not be a good pure-blood witch all the time. I want –"

"And you will," he interrupted me. "We will. It's only a matter of time. We may not be able to throw a huge party like Lucius-sodding-Malfoy does, but what we have is a whole lot more solid than what he and my cousin have."

"I know that," I admitted. "Your cousin's not too thrilled about her marriage, though. She took Lana's advice and cast a Conception Charm to get pregnant fast. I expect to be hearing the good news in a short time."

"Why would anyone take advice from Lana?" Sirius asked bemused.

"She's pretty good at giving advice," I defended her. Although she was pretty unconventional.

"She suggested I was gay after I dumped her!" he exclaimed indignantly.

"So _is_ there something you wish to tell me, Mr. Black?" I asked sternly.

Sirius's jaw dropped in disbelief. "Are you bloody kidding me?" he sputtered.

"Well…" I began, "Lana is quite good at detecting… certain things."

"You are so going to pay for that," Sirius growled and threw me over his shoulder.

I squealed with laughter. "Put me down, you brute!"

Sirius grunted in a way that would have made a Neanderthal proud and took off to his bedroom, determined to avenge himself.

* * *

Three hours later we were thrown back into reality as I was summoned to the Dark Lord. I Apparated home for my cloak and mask and reported to Voldemort once I had pulled up my defences. 

"Friends," Voldemort began, "I am displeased."

My heart chilled. That usually meant someone was going to be punished. I had been punished once. It was not something I wanted to experience again.

"I do not take well to being defied," the Dark Lord hissed coldly. "That traitor has been a thorn in my side for too long."

"Master, we will gladly kill whoever stands in your way," Lucius said smoothly. "Please grant us the honour."

"Kill?" Voldemort chuckled. "No, I want him to suffer. I want his heart wrenched from his body and offered to me on a silver plate."

"Who, my lord?" Bellatrix asked.

"You should know, Bella. He's your cousin."

"Sirius," Bellatrix hissed.

"Yes."

I felt faint, black spots appearing in my vision. _This is not happening._

"Let me kill him, master," Bellatrix begged.

"No, Bella. I don't want him dead. I want him begging at my feet, knowing that I took from him what is his."

I panted, panic taking over. _What does he want? What does he want with Sirius?_

"He'll suffer," Voldemort said satisfied, "when I have the head of Nicole Carmichael."


	35. Family Additions and Worries

**A/N: **No more mid-terms! Thanks for all your kind reviews :) and voila, finally the next chapter... Hope you like it!

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**Family Additions and Worries**

"Nicole Carmichael?" Evan frowned. "Black's girlfriend?"

"Her liaison with that traitor contaminates her. I'll get to him through her," the Dark Lord hissed, his red eyes flaring up in hatred.

An icy hand had clutched my throat, preventing me from breathing. My nails pierced my skin, drawing blood, because of the force I had clenched my fists with.

"It will be difficult, master," Evan said hesitantly. "We don't know anything about her."

"Are you defying me?" Voldemort asked, his eyes fixing on Evan with a snakelike speed.

Evan took a step back. "No. Never, master," he denied quickly.

Voldemort drew his wand. "_Crucio!_"

With a cry of pain Evan dropped on his knees, his muscles twitching while he writhed on the ground. Groans of agony escaped from his clenched jaws. No one said a word or did anything. No one was stupid enough to draw attention to themselves when the Dark Lord was enraged.

Finally he stopped. He crouched down and placed a deadly white hand on Evan's cheek. "Do not question my decisions," he said.

"Forgive me, master," Evan gasped, trying to control the twitches of his muscles.

"Give me that woman and perhaps I will," the Dark Lord answered.

With the greatest effort I had managed to keep my Occlumency intact. I hoped it was enough; Voldemort could smell fear.

"Find out what you can about her and report back to me. I'll decide what to do with her," Voldemort ordered with a malicious glint in his eyes. Carelessly he turned his back on Evan, who was still lying on the ground. "Leave."

We bowed and Disapparated. No one was foolish enough to offer help to Evan.

* * *

Feeling a surge of panic, I contacted Dumbledore straight away. He ordered me to come to Headquarters immediately. 

I paced around the room, my stomach squirming and twisting horribly. Dumbledore entered and saw my pale face. He told me to sit down and conjured some tea. With a twinkle in his eyes he added something that looked distinctly like Firewhisky to my tea before he gave it to me.

"Thank you."

Dumbledore poured some tea in another cup. "The others should be here any minute."

I had barely taken one sip of my tea when the door flew open and Sirius burst inside with a scared look in his eyes. "Albus, what's going on? Niamh! Are you okay? What happened?"

I felt my lip tremble when I saw him. I stood up abruptly and hurried over to him to hide in his arms. Sirius pulled me close to him and said, "You have got to stop sending those vague messages, sir. You nearly gave me a heart-attack."

"Voldemort wants me dead," I mumbled into his chest.

Sirius's muscles tensed and his breathing stopped. With shaking hands he pushed me a little away so he could look at me. "What?" he croaked. His eyes flew to Dumbledore with a plea to tell him it wasn't true.

"There's no need to panic," Dumbledore tried to calm us down.

"Panic?" I screamed. "I've just been marked for death by the most evil wizard of all ages and you're telling me not to panic?"

"You have not been marked for death, Niamh," Dumbledore said calmly. "Nicole Carmichael is."

"Same difference!"

"Not exactly," Dumbledore smiled.

"Okay, just what is going on here?" Sirius asked.

"Please, sit down," Dumbledore requested.

We sat down on a sofa. I refused to let go of Sirius's hand, still being scared out of my wits.

"Voldemort wishes to get to you through the one he believes you love," Dumbledore explained. "I believe your escape at Caradoc's house has made him focus his attention on you and your… questionable status among the pure-bloods, Sirius."

Sirius scoffed at Dumbledore's delicacy.

I nodded. "He's been targeting more blood traitors and Muggle-lovers lately. Scare tactics," I concluded.

"No one's safe, pure-blood or Muggle-born," Sirius added bitterly.

"Let's focus," Dumbledore said. "You've escaped him, Sirius, so now he'll try to get to the ones closest to you. That's 'Nicole' for now, but it means your friends could be in danger too."

"All my closest friends are in the Order, so they're already in danger," Sirius replied. "Except Niamh, he doesn't know about her. Didn't know, until now."

"Nicole," Dumbledore corrected him. "Nicole is in danger. Niamh is not."

"But if he tries to kill me, it will still be my body," I retorted.

"Ah, but he is not after your body," Dumbledore said. "He's after Nicole. All we have to do is make him chase her, make him chase some smoke." He leaned back in his chair. "Voldemort does not know much about Nicole. Not her blood heritage, not where she's from, not where she lives…"

"He'll torture someone long enough to give him that information," I riposted dryly.

"Not if we make her disappear at the first sign of inquiries made about her."

"Stage her death?" Sirius frowned.

"That is one option," Dumbledore agreed. "Or we make her simply vanish into thin air."

"So Voldemort will think I've gone into hiding," I said.

"Let's wait for the others to discuss our plans," Dumbledore said.

* * *

**Headquarters, a month later**

Halfway through yet another meeting, Sirius glanced at Niamh. She was quickly turning into a nervous wreck. The stress from this elaborate hoax they were pulling showed on her face. She had dark circles under her eyes and her lips seemed to be pressed tightly together permanently.

'Nicole' had vanished. It was Niamh herself who had made the first inquiries about her amongst her acquaintances. The Order had reacted by leaking the information that Nicole Carmichael had gone into hiding to the Ministry. As there were many spies there, they could be sure word of that would reach Voldemort.

Sirius knew how Voldemort had reacted. Fortunately Niamh had not taken the fall for it. It was Rodolphus Lestrange this time, who had been too obvious with his questions according to Voldemort. Sirius could only imagine how angry his cousin Bellatrix was, the favourite of the Dark Lord. With a grim smile Niamh had told him his cousin had worked very hard for her position, and she was not amused by her husband stuffing up.

Despite the fact that Nicole had vanished from public life, Voldemort would not give up. Niamh had been forced to chase after rumours for a month now. Rumours about a non-existing woman. It was tiring.

Sirius was terrified every time she had to report another failure. It would only be a matter of time before Voldemort would take his anger out on the messenger. Sirius clenched his fist in frustration. He could only see Niamh at Headquarters. They had agreed seeing each other elsewhere would be too great a risk, since Sirius was being watched by Death Eaters.

The meeting was almost over. Sirius blinked to stop his musing and tuned in on what Niamh was saying.

"…wondering what is so special about Nicole that the entire Order has completely fortified itself."

"I don't think you have to worry, Niamh," Lily said. "Half the pure-blood society is afraid of you, because they suspect you are a Death Eater. They'll never link you to us. And now that you're in charge of chasing yourself…"

"I know," Niamh agreed. "But this heavy protection has sparked the Dark Lord's curiosity. Something is bound to…"

"Tell me, Niamh," Benjy Fenwick began in the unpleasant voice he saved especially for her. Sirius stiffened in his chair, fixing his eyes on the man. "Why is it that you call You-Know-Who the Dark Lord when only his supporters do that?"

Niamh's lips whitened. "It's habit," she hissed. "I don't want to make the mistake of calling him _Voldemort_ in front of those who'll see it as disrespect, because -- though it may have escaped your notice, Benjy -- I am a Death Eater. Do you want to see the Mark? Do you want me to tell you how he burned it into my skin? Or do you want to hear about the crimes I have committed in his name?"

"Niamh, Benjy," Albus warned.

Sirius gritted his teeth. "Watch your mouth, Benjy," he spat, ignoring Albus. "You don't have the _nerve_ to say his name."

Benjy huffed.

"Benjy," Albus said softly, but his eyes stared hard into the other man's eyes.

"Right," Lily intervened. "What were you saying, Niamh?"

"Er," she blinked. "Just that the Dark Lord is not likely to give up soon. And some information is bound to reach the Death Eaters. I've said that I thought Nicole was a member of the Order herself, and that's why you are so protective. I think they believed it, but I don't know for how long I'm going to be able to hold them off."

"How about diverting their attention?" Fabian suggested.

"What do you mean?" Niamh asked.

"I think my dear brother and I can cause a little riot," Fabian answered. "Can't we, brother?"

"I like the way you think," Gideon replied. The twins sent each other a toothy grin.

"Absolutely not!" Niamh growled. "You're in enough danger as it is."

"Exactly. A little more won't make a difference," Gideon shrugged. "We're already Aurors, blood traitors, and known members of the Order. Can't get any worse."

"You'll be dead for sure if you focus even more attention on yourselves!" Niamh snapped angrily.

"Everybody dies. The only thing that matters is how you die," Fabian retorted, his earlier playfulness gone.

"I beg to differ," Niamh snarled. "And I think your sister and her family would disagree as well. Have you thought about them? This whole deception is the result of Voldemort targeting the families of those he's after. Don't think for a second he won't do the same to your family."

"Niamh is right," Albus said. "We can't risk it."

"Then what are we going to do? Sit and wait for it to go wrong?" Sirius asked.

"No," Albus answered. "We will sit and wait for Voldemort to lose his interest."

Sirius caught the doubtful look Niamh sent him. It chilled his heart.

* * *

Niamh's doubt proved accurate. Over the next few months she had little other assignments than tracking down the mysteriously vanished Nicole Carmichael. 

Sirius hadn't been able to shake off the feeling of dread that had taken hold of him. Only two weeks ago Niamh had been punished for the lack of results. Unable to keep up her defences, some of Niamh's memories and feelings had slipped from her. The only reason she was not discovered as a traitor was that the images Voldemort managed to extract from her were about a fight with her mother, which had happened right before she was summoned to Voldemort.

Niamh had been able to shut herself off before Voldemort pried any further into her mind. But it was a close call. Sirius did not scare easily, but this… This had him shaking with fear. He leaned his hands on the kitchen sink, forgetting his plans to make lunch for himself. It was difficult to keep faith in a good ending, when Niamh seemed to get closer to being discovered every day.

Sirius knew she felt the same. The resignation that had appeared in her eyes after that punishment, made his breath catch in his throat every time he saw it. She didn't believe in a happy ending anymore. Feeling panic tightly clutch his heart, Sirius ran his hands through his hair, not knowing what to do. They were stuck. If Niamh stayed in that snake pit, she would be discovered eventually. If she backed out, she would be marked for death immediately.

He wanted to hold her in his arms and tell her it would be all right. That they would get through this. That they would be fine. But he couldn't. Every time he would see her he would jeopardise her cover even more. He had not seen her in private for over a month. She hadn't even been able to celebrate his twentieth birthday with him. It was too dangerous.

Before he could sink further into his misery, the doorbell rang. Sirius drew his wand from his back pocket and walked to the door. "Yes?" he asked warily.

"Padfoot, open the door!" James shouted.

Sirius opened the door and looked at his best friend. James stuck his fists into the air. "I'm pregnant!" he roared.

Sirius stared incredulously at him. "What? Have you been drinking?"

"Nope."

Sirius pulled James inside and closed the door. "Now what is going on?"

"Mini-Prongs is on his way, that's what's going on," James said, grinning from ear to ear.

Sirius's jaw dropped. "Mini-Prongs? You mean…"

"Yes! You're looking at the future dad of the first member of the second generation of Marauders," James beamed.

Sirius hooted. "I can't believe it! Congratulations, Prongs! I'm very proud of you," he laughed, slapping his friend on the back.

"You have no idea how nervous I am," James confessed.

"I bet. When did you find out?"

"Last night. Lily had gone to see a Healer that afternoon because she wasn't feeling well and she told me over dinner."

"Did you faint?" Sirius grinned wickedly.

"Close," James grinned back.

"I'm sending Pete and Remus a message. We're going to celebrate. Where's Lily?"

"Oh, she's doing girly stuff with Alice." James shuddered.

"Merlin on a broom, you know what this means?" Sirius gasped.

"Er… no?"

"Two pregnant women. All those hormones. We'll be in hell," Sirius moaned. "I'm not going near them for the next nine months."

"Drama queen," James muttered. "Wait until Niamh gets pregnant. You'll talk differently then."

Sirius chewed on his lip. "We've never talked about that. It's just not an option."

"Yeah, but it will be some day," James retorted.

Sirius let out a bark-like snort. "Merlin help any child with me as a father," he mumbled, sending an apologetic smile to his friend before he turned around.

James followed his friend into the kitchen. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, come on, Prongs," Sirius huffed. "You really want to see any child raised by me?"

"Of course I would. There's nothing wrong with you!"

Sirius turned around. James's angry frown disappeared at the anxious look on his friend's face. Sirius hesitated for a moment. "What if – what if I turn out to be like my father?"

James was stunned to silence. "Your father?" he finally breathed. "You're nothing like your father! You'll never be anything like him."

"I could be."

"No, you couldn't," James immediately stopped him. "You think you would ever do to a child what had been done to you? You think you're able to do that, knowing how much it has hurt you? Well, I have news for you, Sirius. You're not. You could never do that."

Comprehension dawned on James's face. "This is why you avoid talking about proposing to Niamh at all cost, isn't it? Because you're afraid you'll follow in your father's footsteps as a husband and a father."

Sirius nodded, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

James pushed him down on one of the kitchen chairs. "You'll make a great father some day, Padfoot. And a good husband too. I can see that from the fact that you're a great friend to me, to Remus and Peter, and to Lily. And Niamh doesn't have any complaints either, does she?"

Sirius smiled reluctantly. "Thanks, Prongs."

"You're welcome. How long have you been walking around with this?"

"For months," his friend admitted.

James snorted. "I won't deny that you're an idiot. But I already knew that. Besides, did you really think Niamh would let you get away with being a bastard? She'd string you up and curse you into the next world."

Sirius chuckled. "She would, wouldn't she?"

"Stupid, pigheaded idiot," James muttered. "You could have told me about this months ago and I could have whacked this ridiculous idea out of your mulish head."

"Enough about that. Let's toast to Mini-Prongs," Sirius said. He grabbed two bottles of Butterbeer. "To the first member of the next generation of Marauders. That he or she may be as successful and famous as we are – we will have to tell Mini-Prongs to get our Map back from Filch by the way – and hold the Marauder tradition in honour."

"Cheers," James smiled.

"You do realise this child of yours will be spoilt rotten before it's two months old, don't you?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I do. To Mini-Prongs."

His earlier sinister thoughts forgotten for a moment, Sirius's face broke into a wide smile. "To the future."


	36. A New Decade

**A New Decade**

**Potter Mansion**

Lily was pregnant! She had sent her Patronus to tell me and a few days later I managed to sneak away after work and Apparate to Potter Mansion, one of the few safe places I could go to besides Headquarters.

James had told his parents who Nicole really was and while Mr. Potter had to take some time to process the fact that his adopted son loved a suspected Death Eater, Abby kissed my cheek and treated me as if I were still 'Nicole'. Mr. Potter, though he was a pureblood himself, thoroughly disliked the idea that this made him superior to anyone else. After a long conversation we had together, he was convinced I did not agree with my family's ideas.

"Welcome," Roger Potter smiled.

Relieved, I answered, "Thank you."

"If you're done interrogating the poor girl, Roger, I can offer her some tea," Abby said, looking sternly down her nose at her husband. "Would you like some, dear?"

"Yes, please."

Lily sat next to me. I leaned over to her. "How far along are you?"

"A month and a half. Exactly the same as Alice, can you believe it?" Lily smiled.

"What a coincidence."

"James is ecstatic. He keeps buying me pickles for some reason. Says he's heard pregnant women crave them, but all I crave is a day without morning sickness."

"Really? I wonder who gave him that idea," I said thoughtfully, raising an eyebrow at my boyfriend who had just appeared in the doorway.

"Whatever it is, I didn't do it," Sirius said quickly, interpreting my look correctly.

Lily snorted. "He looks a bit guilty, doesn't he?"

"He always looks guilty," I answered with a nasty grin.

"That's because he _is_ always guilty," Lily finished. We smiled triumphantly at each other.

"Two women. I can't win," Sirius mumbled.

"Glad you realise that, dear," Abby smiled, letting a tray float in front of her.

Mr. Potter sent Sirius a pitying look.

I chuckled and relaxed in the chair as Abby busied herself with tea and scones. I felt some of the tension slip from my shoulders. It was there almost all the time.

Sirius walked over to me to give me a quick kiss. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the comforting feeling of his warmth and scent. His hair brushed against my face. I tugged at a long, black strand. "It grows like weed," I said.

He pushed his shoulder-length hair out of his face. "Maybe I should shave my head."

"Tell me you're joking," Abby intervened. "You have such a pretty head with all that hair." She glanced at her husband, who tried to flatten his obstinate hair in vain. "Unlike some others."

Lily and I laughed at the glare Roger sent his wife.

"You don't call a man _pretty_, Abby," Sirius sulked.

"I can call you whatever I want," she retorted. Within moments they were bickering playfully about the appropriate compliments for the male half of the wizarding population.

I sipped my tea and tried not to spill the hot liquid when I snorted with laughter at Sirius, who was growing more indignant by the minute about Abby's insistence he had pretty hair. Finally Abby gave in when Sirius threatened to pull out his wand and magick his hair into a mohican. She handed him a scone as an olive branch.

I was unbelievably grateful for Abby and Roger taking me in like they had done with Sirius. There were few moments left when I could feel at ease. Disguised as Nicole I had loved it here, and I was very glad I would not have to stop coming now that 'Nicole' was gone. The old house was protected with many spells, so I would not have to worry about being discovered here. Besides Headquarters, this was the only place safe enough for Sirius to see me.

I knew he was worried about me. I was worried myself. No matter how much I tried to quench the Dark Lord's thirst for Sirius's and Nicole's blood, it didn't work. I was in charge of the search operation and though I kept myself busy tracing every rumour, I knew I would never be able to report a success. The Dark Lord had taken his frustration out on me once, but he could do it again any moment.

I flinched when I remembered that last punishment. I was so sure my cover was blown when my Occlumency slipped. The fight with my mother with which my mind had been preoccupied saved me. I never thought I would be grateful for my mother's interference in my life. But now I was. I would thank her on my knees had that not been a tad suspicious.

A smirk played on my lips when I saw that image in my mind. It faltered when that dark sense of foreboding descended on me again. Everything would go wrong eventually. There would be a day when I would not be miraculously saved. Sirius knew it too. The times I did see him he was often wrapped in deep thoughts, shooting anxious glances at me, as if he were trying to figure a way out of this mess. There wasn't.

I shook my depressing thoughts from me and asked Lily, "When is James coming home?"

"Not for a few hours at least. He had to go along with Aurors to investigate some serious Muggle-baiting in Suffolk," Lily answered. "Normally they let the Magical Law Enforcement Patrol take care of it, but this was particularly vicious. James says it's getting worse every day."

"I think I can manage to scrape some ideas on who it is that's behind all that on the Christmas parties," I said. "Speaking of which, I should be going. I have an appointment with my mother, aunt, two cousins, and a sister-in-law to discuss the organisation of the Cardens' Christmas dinner."

"Oh joy," Sirius chirped.

"I love it when you're sarcastic," I grinned and turned to Lily. "Tell James I'll try to congratulate him in person as soon as I can and if he buys you anymore pickles you just force him to eat them himself."

"Trust me, I'll do that," Lily laughed.

"I'll walk you to the room," Sirius said and got up.

"Roger, Abby, thank you," I said sincerely.

"You're very welcome," Abby answered.

I followed Sirius to the single room in the house where I could Apparate from.

He heaved a deep sigh. "Be careful."

"I will."

I stepped into his arms, pressing my nose into his chest. Sirius's large hand stroked my hair. After a while he weaved his fingers through my curls and gently pulled my head back so he could look me in the eye.

"Promise me you'll be careful," he demanded gruffly.

I smiled teasingly. "All these worries from a reckless Gryffindor? You never cease to amaze me, lover."

Sirius's eyes darkened in anger. "I mean it," he barked.

"I'm sorry. I'll be careful, I promise."

His anger deflated. "Good." He bent down and claimed my mouth in a rough kiss. I felt every ounce of his worry and fear and clamped my arms tightly around his neck.

"I'll see you at the meeting, okay?" he said after he had pulled back. "Try to send me a message every now and then."

"I will."

Sirius was so obviously reluctant to let me go that I simply leaned against him once more and cuddled him.

He laid his chin on my head. "I hate not having you around at Christmas," he grumbled.

I looked up. Caressing his tense mouth with my fingers, I smiled, "I love you."

He kissed my fingers in reply. "I love you too."

My hand gripped his neck and I pulled him down to me to taste him once more. Sirius mumbled something in approval and tightened his arms around me. He lifted me off the ground in a bone-crushing hug before he let me go. "Off with you now, or I'll seduce you on the spot."

"I don't need to be seduced, sir," I winked suggestively. "You can have me whenever you want."

"Tease."

"Bye."

Grinning naughtily at him I turned on the spot and Disapparated.

* * *

I hid my yawn behind my hand. Aoife, my twenty-one-year-old cousin, noticed it and chuckled. Our mothers were caught up in deep conversation about the menus our staff had prepared for the party. They had been discussing the proper amount of appetisers per platter and the right size for said platters for the last fifteen minutes, bringing up examples from parties held the past three years. 

I rolled my eyes at Aoife, who quickly covered her laugh with a cough. She and I got along rather well. Her older sister Saibh gave us a scolding look.

Saibh had a rather sour complexion, as if she were constantly chewing on a lemon. She had made a respectable marriage at the age of eighteen and had given her Greenway in-laws two sons. I reckoned the sour look on her face had something to do with me being heir to the Carden fortune in combination with me not acting as a proper heiress should do. Saibh considered herself a much better witch for the job.

Aoife wrinkled her nose at her sister. She was more like me. She had turned down three suitors and when her father – my father's younger brother – had threatened to force a marriage on her, she had told him she would join a convent if he did so. Fionn Carden would rather die than have his daughter make a mockery of him, so he gave in. Aoife now spent her days leisurely at her father's estate in Longford.

All the Cardens resembled each other and I considered Aoife a prettier version of myself. Where my hair had bright red and copper locks, all of Aoife's hair was a deep chestnut colour and waved down her back in smooth curls, different from the bird's nest I possessed. Unlike me, she was tall as most Cardens were, but our faces had the same features.

At this moment she was scrunching her face into a horrible cross-eyed expression. I snorted with laughter. My mother threw me an annoyed look. "Is something the matter?"

"Nothing, Mother," I said, trying to smooth the grin from my face. "Just remembered something funny."

My sister-in-law, who was sitting next to me, bit her lip, but managed to keep her composure. Alexia's mourning period was almost over. Two more weeks and it would be a year since my brother died.

"By the way, Alexia," I said quickly. "I haven't seen Cissy for a while. How is she doing?"

"She's fine. Her pregnancy is going very well, but Lucius makes her rest a lot anyway. He has been showering her with presents."

"Let's hope the baby's a boy then, so he won't have gone through all that trouble for nothing," Aoife said, slightly malevolent.

Alexia's eyes fixed themselves on her.

"What do you say we go on a shopping spree in Diagon Alley, Aoife?" I interjected quickly. "I'm sure Mother and Aunt Aubrey can manage the finer details themselves."

"Wonderful idea," my cousin agreed.

We got to our feet and hurried from the drawing room.

* * *

I stared at my red wine. Light conversation was going on all around the table, but it went in one ear, and out the other. This Christmas sucked as much as the last one. Last year Sirius and I had not been on speaking terms and this year I couldn't even speak to him even though I wanted to. 

Aoife kicked me under the table. She leaned over and muttered, "You're supposed to enjoy yourself at Christmas."

"I am enjoying myself. I am glowing with joy," I retorted. "Can't you see me sparkle?"

"Ouch, such sarcasm," she grinned. "Come on, cousin. Twinkle, twinkle, little star. Or is that not a Christmas song?"

"How should I know? Just don't let my mother catch you singing Muggle songs," I warned her. "She'll serve you as dessert."

Aoife chuckled. She leaned over the table again. "So _why_ did your mother invite your ex-fiancé to her Christmas dinner?"

I huffed. "Because for some strange delusional reason she still wants me to marry him, even though he is practically engaged."

"Just threaten to join a convent. It works quite well," she shrugged.

"I'm afraid that, unlike your father, my mother will take my word for it and be glad to be rid of me," I grinned. "And I am not prepared to actually go through with a threat like that."

"If you had seen my last suitor, trust me, you would have been." Aoife shuddered.

"I don't understand. You're gorgeous," I said. "You can have any wizard you want."

"In Longford there aren't many pure-blood wizards from good stock that you can marry. And you know my father. He refuses to leave the manor for such frivolous things as enjoying yourself in Dublin and meeting other people."

"Stay here then. I'm sure I can introduce you to some fine young wizards," I suggested, raising an eyebrow.

"Since when are you running a match-making service?" Aoife asked distastefully.

I laughed. "Come on, if you do want to marry, there's no better place to be than London. The winter season's not over for a few months. Everybody is here. Maybe you can even stay for Deirdre's graduation. I bet she'll marry that Zabini within a month after that."

'That Zabini' was in fact seated next to my sister right now and he kept my sister completely occupied. Her diamond engagement ring sparkled in the candle light.

"Well, I'm not sure about the marrying part, but at least I'll have some fun here," Aoife accepted.

"Great," I smiled. I had already decided to introduce her to Lana. I was sure those two would get along. And I hoped her company would be able to cheer me up.

After dinner I could not worm my way out of spending some time with Evan. After all, he was a friend of mine. "How is Miss Westley?" I asked, winking at him.

Evan smiled. "Sophie is fine. She regrets that she couldn't come tonight, but when your mother's invitation arrived, she had already consented to go to her grandmother's family dinner."

"What a pity," I said, knowing my mother's scheming had ensured that said invitation had arrived so late there was no doubt Sophie had other obligations. "I really think you should have gone to her grandmother's with her," I scolded him playfully.

"That would have been a little inappropriate. The engagement has not been announced yet. I'm not family."

"Details, details," I waved his propriety away.

It seemed my wish for Evan to find a naïve woman to marry had come true. Sophie Westley had been educated at home and had had a very protected childhood. How in Merlin's name she had ended up as the soon-to-be wife of Evan Rosier I had no clue.

"How are you doing?" Evan asked with a hint of concern. "No luck yet?"

"No. Not at all," I shook my head. "But I don't think this is the right time to discuss that."

Evan let his eyes wander through the room for a moment, before he nodded. "If you need help…"

"Thank you. I'll let you know."

Evan stiffened at being dismissed like that, but the last thing I needed was him prying into my search operation.

I sugared the offence with a smile. "Thanks for your care."

"We're friends, and we used to be more," Evan said. "Of course I care."

_Sure. _

I could almost hear Aoife's voice in my head. "Ouch, such bitterness, cousin."

I smiled at Evan and linked my arm in his. "Let's talk to my cousin. You'll adore her."

"If she's anything like you, I will."

"She is."

Aoife managed to take my mind of Evan's comments, but nevertheless I found myself staring out of the window some time later. It was only a few days till New Year. 1980. I hoped the turn of the decade would bring some positive change.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for all your reviews. I hope you liked this chapter. Let me know!**


	37. Cecil Under Siege

**Cecil Under Siege**

Sirius was acting strange. Very, _very_ strange. It was now February and I still saw little of him, but that unexplainable strangeness was _very_ obvious nonetheless. He would ask strange questions like whether I still trusted him, or if I was afraid I was more like my family than I thought. He asked seemingly casually whether I thought Lily and James had done the right thing getting married so young, or if I would have accepted James's proposal.

"Of course not," I scoffed.

Sirius looked crestfallen.

"Why on earth would _I_ accept James as a husband?" I chuckled, shaking my head at my ridiculous boyfriend.

He furrowed his brow in irritation. "I meant in Lily's stead."

"Oh, well… They love each other, don't they? I see no reason why she shouldn't have accepted it." I studied Sirius's face suspiciously. "Why? What's going on?"

"Nothing," he said quickly.

"Don't 'nothing' me," I said sternly. "I can see something is bothering you. Out with it."

"No! I mean – I can't say…"

"Is something wrong with Lily or James?" I folded my arms, giving him my best McGonagall-look. He actually cringed. I narrowed my eyes. "Spit it out, young man."

"That's scary," he shuddered. "Don't do that again. Nothing is wrong with James or Lily. But you're sure they've done the right thing by getting married?"

"Yes!" I cried, completely mystified by his behaviour.

"Great," he whispered. "I have to go now." He kissed me hurriedly and walked out of Headquarters.

I went to the kitchen, where Remus was sitting, reading a scroll of some sort. "That friend of yours is getting weirder every day," I stated.

To my surprise the man's face turned red. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he mumbled.

"Yes, you _do_," I said slowly. "You know exactly what's going on."

"No, I don't," Remus squeaked.

"You're going to tell me right now what's wrong with James and Lily before I make you tell me," I threatened ominously.

"James and Lily?" He blinked. "What are you talking about?" He seemed genuinely confused.

"What in Merlin's name is going on?" I sighed.

"Look, nothing is _wrong_," Remus answered. "It's just… well, Sirius should tell you. And he will." He nodded encouragingly at me. "Eventually," he added under his breath.

"You boys are way too weird for me," I concluded. "I am leaving now to go to my very normal work where there are no weird people – except my bosses."

Glancing warily at Remus one more time I turned around and left.

He sighed in relief. _The bastard._

* * *

I found my cousin Aoife at work. Introducing her to my acquaintances was a major success. Putting her and Lana together had been a great idea, but putting her in London in general was even better. My extravagant cousin diverted all attention from me, giving me some air to breathe. 

At the moment she was seated on top of Quinn's desk, a cup of tea in her hand. She batted her eyelashes at him.

"Aoife, that's no use," I greeted her dryly. "Quinn plays for the other team."

Quinn burst out laughing. "That doesn't mean I don't enjoy beauty when I see it. Why do you think I hired you?"

I pretended to be deeply offended. "Excuse me? Are you saying you didn't hire me because of my excellent skills?"

"Of course I hired you for your skills!" Quinn exclaimed. "The skill of walking around and looking pretty, of course. You're not doing much else around here."

I glared venomously at my boss, who gave me a toothy grin in response. I did most of the paperwork, enchanted the quills so they wrote the bills, helped Cecil selecting manuscripts, and let myself be dragged along on meetings and excursions and publication parties with Quinn.

Aoife shrugged. "I know he does. Sorry, Quinn, but I'm not interested in you."

"Ditto."

"However," Aoife smiled cunningly, "about that delicious piece of wizard you call your other boss, Niamh…"

I almost dropped my purse. "Cecil?" I gasped.

"Yes?" Cecil asked, walking into the office, his nose as usual buried in parchment. He looked up, giving me an inquiring glance, before returning to the no doubt fascinating parchment.

"Hello, Cecil," Aoife purred.

My poor boss looked up again and his green eyes widened. "Er… hello… er…?"

"Aoife," my cousin said helpfully. "Niamh's cousin, remember?"

Cecil remembered nothing, except the countless languages he spoke. "Of course. Aoife," he mumbled, his eyes dropping. Not to his parchment, however, but to the rest of Aoife. "Yes, I remember."

My eyebrows disappeared into my hairline, when I realised Cecil did, in fact, remember her.

Quinn's grin widened and he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at me. "So…" he began, making Cecil jump. "Did you want to talk to me?"

"No," Cecil said vaguely. Finally he tore his eyes away from Aoife, who was smiling rather smugly. "I mean, yes. Find out if that manuscript we got from the Adlers really is a family heirloom. The manuscript's age is correct, but it uses insular script and didn't the Adlers emigrate from Germany in the nineteenth century?"

"I'll find out," Quinn promised, unfazed by Cecil's seemingly endless knowledge of details no one else remembered.

"Right," Cecil said, running a hand through his black curls. He glanced at Aoife. "I'll be downstairs if you need me." He turned around and left, his nose back in his parchment.

"Aoife," I admonished my cousin. "You're scaring him."

"I was hoping I was doing something else to him," she replied naughtily.

"My office," I ordered threateningly. Aoife slid of Quinn's desk with a chuckle and followed me.

"What are you doing?" I asked as soon as she had closed the door.

"That boss of yours is a fascinating man," she answered. "Very sexy, in a professor sort of way."

I stared at her.

"What? He is."

Sexy was not how I saw, or wanted to see, my boss. "I have to protect Cecil. He's not around women very often."

"He sees you every day."

"But I don't try to seduce him!"

"He's a grown man," Aoife insisted.

"Oh, very well," I sighed. "Do what you want. But don't come crying to me when he forgets your name or your very existence, or when your father kills you when he finds out."

"In that case, I'll just come and haunt you."

"I'll persuade him to let you live and put you in that convent!"

"Hah! Then I'll persuade Evan to ditch that cow Sophie and pursue you again!"

I gasped. "Don't you dare!"

Aoife grinned widely and waved goodbye with her fingers. "Bye, cousin. Enjoy your work."

She sashayed out of my office. I couldn't help but chuckle. Aoife had the entire pureblood society in an uproar. She flirted with anything male, married or not. It was perfect. She didn't do anything indecent – barely – but everybody talked about her instead of me. Stubbornness was a family trait and I knew that once she was intent on something, nothing would discourage her.

Poor Cecil.

* * *

Indeed, Aoife visited me a lot at work and always managed to throw Cecil off balance with a seductive smile or a glimpse of skin. Really, the man paid little attention to his parchment anymore when my cousin was around. And so it was on a Wednesday afternoon that I found them going at it in his office. I slowly closed the door again, trying to rid my mind of the image of two bodies tightly wrapped around each other. 

Shuddering slightly, I walked back to my office, the papers I wanted Cecil to sign clutched under my arm. Quinn snorted with laughter when he saw my face.

"You could have warned me," I muttered.

"And deny myself the pleasure of your facial expression? I think not." Quinn chuckled. "Who would have thought good old Cecil hid such a body under those awful robes?"

"Thank you, Quinn, for ruining my attempt to exorcise the unwanted mental images," I groaned, ignoring Quinn's fit of laughter.

I don't think I have to point out that work was exceedingly awkward that day. Aoife entered my office, looking very pleased with herself.

"Cousin," I chuckled. "Do you know that cat who ate the canary? If you grew some whiskers, you'd be it."

Aoife burst out laughing. "You don't mind me cancelling our dinner tonight, do you?"

"Not at all. Just be gentle with Cecil," I answered dryly.

Immediately after she left, I sent my Patronus to Sirius saying that I was free that night. He told me to meet me at Headquarters. Hidden under a large hat and a shawl, I Apparated there after work, hurrying inside. I looked in the living room and my jaw dropped. He had transfigured it into a dining room. A small table was set, candles were lit, and… it was empty.

Wondering what Sirius was up to, I went in search of him. I found him almost immediately in the kitchen. He stood with his back to me, his sleeves rolled up, his hair dishevelled, his hands on his hips, and having an animated conversation with the hob. Leaning against the doorpost, I watched him.

"Honestly, how hard can it be?" Sirius grumbled. "I'm a bloody wizard. This is all Remus's fault, you know. He should have taught me how to cook."

He drew his wand from his back pocket, as usual. I was glad to see he still had both buttocks. _It would be a shame if he lost one_, I thought, leering at the tall wizard in front of me.

Aiming at the hob, Sirius mumbled a charm and managed to get it to heat itself. "Hah!" he exclaimed triumphantly. "Sirius Black, chef extraordinaire!"

I bit on my hand to muffle my laughter.

After tucking his hair behind his ears, Sirius Summoned a cookbook to him. He ran his index finger down the recipe, chewing his lip. "Done… Done… Chopped it all up… Done… Shit! Where are the bloody asparagus?" Frantically he looked around and froze when he saw me standing in the doorway. "How long have you been there?" he asked, blushing beet-red.

"Oh, long enough," I laughed. "Do you need a hand?"

"Yes! Remus gave me this recipe, saying it was easy. Smug bastard."

I took the cookbook from him and stared doubtfully at the recipe. "Er…"

"This part is easy," Sirius said, pointing a long finger at the instructions that said to cook the pasta in slightly salted boiled water. "You take off your coat. I've already opened a bottle of wine."

Sirius managed to get the pasta cooking. "So, in seven minutes I have to add the asparagus to it. Now where did I put them?"

I sat myself on the kitchen table and watched him frown over the cookbook again, trying to work out how he was supposed to make the sauce. He must have figured it out, because a moment later he was stirring in a saucepan, adding ingredients every now and then. When he was finished he checked the cookbook again. "Stop staring at me and make yourself useful," he told me.

I grinned. "I like what I see."

Sirius raised an eyebrow and looked sideways at me. "Do you now?"

"Yes, but alas, you have not a minute to spare. You find that book more interesting than me."

"You're one to talk. I'm not the one gushing about some book I've read all the time." He put the cookbook aside and crossed the little distance to where I was sitting. "I haven't even given you a proper greeting, have I?"

His hands rubbed my thighs. I spread my knees to let him stand between them. Sirius took the glass of wine from me and slowly put it on the table, leaning deliberately closer to me to do so, knowing exactly what effect he had on me.

"Wretched man," I breathed. His hands trailed to my hips and pulled me closer to him.

"Hi," he said. "How are you?" Not waiting for my answer, he kissed me languidly. Sighing contently, I let him play with my lips and tongue, rousing needs in me that he would have to quench later, until a particular smell began to fill my nose.

"FUCK!" Sirius snapped, pulling away from me.

"My thoughts exactly," I grinned, but Sirius paid no attention to me anymore. He grabbed the saucepan and placed it on a cold ring on the hob.

"Don't forget the asparagus," I said helpfully. Sirius threw me a death glare.

In the end, dinner wasn't so bad. We had very little sauce to go with the – overcooked – pasta and asparagus, but the salad was great and so was the bread. Sirius even managed to charm the dishes into washing themselves and so we sat relaxed at the table.

He listened to my description of Aoife and Cecil with a far-off look in his eyes. "And then purple and green flamingos appeared out of nowhere and began to sing Christmas carols. In February, can you imagine?" I concluded.

"Hmm, very strange," Sirius agreed vaguely.

"Sirius?"

He blinked. "What?"

"You okay?"

"Yeah, fine."

"Alright…"

He fell back into his musings. I leaned against the back of my chair and picked up my glass of wine. He would come out with it eventually. And knowing Sirius, it probably wouldn't take too long. I sipped my wine and waited.

"I…er… have to tell you something," Sirius said suddenly. "Well, ask really."

"Hmm?" I replied.

"I've been thinking… I know it's sudden, and probably not the smartest thing to do, and you probably don't expect this of me at all, but it's just that any moment something could happen to either of us, and I love you, and I don't want to regret anything later, and…"

"Sirius?" I interrupted him confused. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Right." He stuffed his hand in his pocket and began to play with whatever he had taken from it under the table. "What I'm trying to say is…" Sirius paused and took a deep breath. "I want you to marry me."

"What?" I blinked.

"Marry. Me."

I stared at him. "You want to marry me?"

"Yes." He placed the object he'd been holding on the table. A small velvet box, almost too small for his hands.

"But…" I began, placing my hand over his when he opened the box, "I can't even wear your ring. Sirius, you _can't_ marry me, the Ministry would receive the marriage contract, and you can't use false names, because that would make the marriage not lawful…"

"No, you see, I've got it all worked out," Sirius hurried to say. "If we do a Muggle wedding, the Ministry won't find out. And it's not about the ring. I mean it's nice, with the whole never-ending love thing, but I don't need a ring to tell me that and I don't need a sign that shows me you're my wife. I just want to marry you."

I was speechless.

Sirius got up from his chair and walked around the table. I swallowed and blinked frantically when he sank to one knee. "So…" he asked hesitantly, taking my hand in his. "Will you do it? Will you marry me?"

"Y – Y – Yes," I stuttered and threw myself off my chair into his arms. "Of course I'll marry you!"

We tumbled onto the floor. Sirius laughed elatedly, crushing me against him. He rolled me over and covered me with his body. Tenderly I brushed his hair from his face.

"Well now, future Mrs. Black," Sirius said pompously. "You know what I'm going to do?"

"Do tell me, future Mr. Carden," I grinned.

"I am going to kiss you senseless."


	38. Wedding Bells

**Wedding bells**

And I thought Lily had been emotional on her wedding day. I stared at myself in the mirror, my eyes large and glistening, trying my best to keep myself from bawling and ruining my make-up. I was in a small town hall in a miniature village in Scotland, minutes away from the wedding ceremony. It had been arranged in deep secret and now, on the twentieth of May, a week after my twentieth birthday, it would finally happen.

Naturally, Sirius had asked James to be his best man and I had asked Lily to be up there with him as my matron of honour. Seven months pregnant, and she had never looked so beautiful. James followed her around like a love-sick puppy – and fortunately had dropped the habit of buying her pickles.

"Thank God for waterproof mascara," she panted, fanning my face frantically to keep me from crying.

I giggled. "Sit down, you mad girl, or that baby of yours will pop out right here."

She waggled over to a chair and lowered herself in it with a groan. "My ankles hurt."

"I could ask James to carry you down the aisle," I suggested.

"That would make his back hurt," she chuckled. "So, are you ready?"

"Yeah." I stood and looked in the mirror, smoothening my dress. Sirius had almost died from laughter when I had told him my dress would be white.

Gasping and hiccoughing he'd looked at me. "Little late to play the virgin, don't you think?" he snorted and collapsed into another fit of laughter.

"Very funny," I had muttered. My only concession to him had been turning the dress crème-coloured. I was determined to have at least some tradition in my wedding.

I scrutinized myself in the mirror. The dress was of a simple, but elegant cut and made me look slightly taller. My hair was piled-up at the back of my head and held in control by numerous pins with pearl heads. It had taken a long time to find the right tone, which wouldn't make my pale face look like I'd just come from my death bed, but finally we had managed. I stared at myself, for a moment lost in the habit of watching my reflection in a mirror when important things had happened. Just to see if I was still me.

Yup, I was. The same blue eyes – still suspiciously moist – under red eyebrows. The straight nose and broad mouth that revealed some Viking ancestor. I lacked the matching cheekbones and forehead though. Those came from the Lestrange side of my family.

Suddenly Remus stepped behind me and smiled at me through the mirror. I hadn't heard him come in. He looked very distinguished in his black suit.

"Thank you, Remus," I said softly.

"I'm honoured."

Remus would take my father's place and walk me down the aisle. My lip began to tremble. Lily squeaked and heaved herself from her chair to resume her fanning.

"It's a little harder than I expected," I apologized. No traditional wedding for me, no family, no guests, only a few friends. "I know it shouldn't matter, but…"

Lily shushed me. "It does. I know it does."

I laughed nervously. "I'm making such a fuss out of all this, and Sirius is probably wandering around free as a bird, not nervous in the least."

Remus sniggered. "Are you kidding? He's shitting his pants right now."

"Oh," I said surprised. "He is? That makes me feel a lot better, I have to say."

"Are you ready to go? They're waiting."

A jolt shot right through me. And from that moment on everything became a blur. I remember the soft feel of Remus's sleeve when I placed my hand on his arm. I remember the hem of Lily's dress swaying as she walked agonizingly slowly down the aisle. I remember looking up and locking eyes with Sirius.

He is the only clear thing in my memory. Like I had studied myself in the mirror only a few moments ago, I studied him. Dressed in black, standing tall and proudly, his hair once again cut. I couldn't help but smile. He only seemed to bother with his hair when someone was getting married. That handsome face, completely serious for a change. Even the mischievous hint that always lingered around his mouth was gone. That was when I knew for sure that he was nervous too.

His grey eyes bore into my own when he took my hand. I did not hear a word the registrar said. I felt Sirius's warm and dry hand, its strength and its bones, the knuckles and the calluses. And the trembling.

He looked down at me. My heart ached. For how long would I have him with me? How long would we have to live in hiding? How long would we live? Would I ever be able to call myself Mrs. Black? Would we ever do normal things such as him coming home from work? Would we ever have children?

I devoured him with my eyes. The strong chin, reflecting his personality. His nose, slightly too long for his face. The deep set grey eyes that still fascinated me. His gorgeous black hair that made me want to run my hands through it whenever I saw it.

It didn't matter, I realised. What we would do, how long we had together… We were together now. I loved him, no matter what would happen, whether he was with me or not.

The registrar cleared his throat and I tuned in on what he was saying.

"Sirius Phineas Black, do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health? Will you promise to love and to cherish her; from this day forward until death do you part?"

Sirius stared hard into my eyes. "I do."

"And do you, Niamh Ashtoreth Carden, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health? Will you promise to love and to cherish him; from this day forward until death do you part?"

I stared back. "I do."

It was more than tradition. It was a very real promise. For better, for worse, sickness, health, war, battle, betrayal, death. We'd go through it together.

James gave us the rings.

Sirius took my hand and while he slid the ring on my finger he looked me in the eye and made the wizarding wedding vow.

"You are mine, I am yours. The magic of the earth bind us, our love keep us. I give my strength and my life, my heart and my body, for you to have and to hold, to protect and to cherish. You are mine, I am yours, we are one. Thereto I pledge you my faith and my love, in this life, in this time, in this body, for as long as we both shall live."

My hand began to glow with warmth.

I took the other ring and placed it on his hand, repeating the vow to him. We interlaced our ringed hands, feeling the warmth flowing back and forth. "You are mine, I am yours, we are one," we finished. The warmth flared up to an almost unbearable heat and then subsided.

The registrar was taken aback for a moment, but quickly regained his wits. "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Sirius cupped my face and stroked my cheeks with his thumbs for a moment, before he leaned in and sealed our vows with a kiss, making the rings heat up one last time.

* * *

I was hesitant about signing the marriage register first, but Lily assured me the Ministry would not find out. They only kept track of wizarding weddings. 

"Congratulations, Mrs Black," Sirius mumbled in my ear. I shivered in pleasure and leaned closer to him. "Shall we leave?"

Hand in hand we walked out of the town hall. A few passers-by called out to us, wishing us good luck. Sirius bowed to them; obviously his cheekiness had returned.

James cleared his throat. "Pete, Remus, and myself have taken the liberty of arranging something for you two. If you would just hold on to this Portkey…"

The six of us were taken to a small cottage, where Gideon, Fabian, Frank and Alice waited for us in front of a set table. I could feel the tears well up again immediately. They had made us a delicious dinner. James, as best man, made the first toast, followed by Gideon and Fabian, who took turns in toasting on the most ridiculous things. Lily put an end to it when Fabian devoted a five-minute speech to my stockings and suspenders.

One by one they left, until only Lily and James were there. They looked at each other for a moment, until Lily nodded at her husband.

James cleared his throat. "Sirius, Niamh? Lily and I have something to ask of you. It would be little more than a formality in normal times, but as it is, it might turn out much more."

James had turned very serious during this announcement. "Sirius, you know you are my closest friend, more like a brother even. I could ask this of no other than you. And Niamh, we haven't always been the best of friends…"

I snorted at his delicacy. The man had hexed me into the Hogwarts infirmary more times than I cared to remember, and vice versa.

"…but that has changed. We have changed… Well, everything has changed, us included. I've come to know you as a brave, protective, strong girl – woman and I can see how much you love Sirius. That makes you a sister to me."

There came the tears again. "James…" I breathed, completely overwhelmed.

"So," James continued, "that's why Lily and I want to ask you to be the godparents to our baby."

I had no idea how to express what I felt. That trust, that faith he placed in us went straight to my heart.

Sirius was lost for words. He blinked and opened and closed his mouth like a fish.

James smiled gently at his best friend. "I have done the impossible. I have rendered Sirius Black speechless."

"Shut up, man," Sirius grumbled and stood to pull him into an embrace. "Thank you, Prongs, you have no idea how much –"

"Oh yes, I do," James retorted. "I know what this means for you. But that's not my reason for asking you. You're the only I trust enough to take care of my baby."

"I will," Sirius promised. "I will take care of your child."

"I know you will."

Lily's eyes glistened as she watched the exchange between the friends. I wiped my own eyes. Lily leaned over the coffee table and grabbed my hand. We didn't say anything; it wasn't necessary. She smiled and I nodded at her. We knew exactly what the other meant.

James pulled me to my feet. "Welcome to the family," he said and closed his arms around me. An impish grin formed on his face when he stepped back. "And good luck with that mangy old mongrel."

That broke the heavy atmosphere. Sirius whacked James over the head and received a punch in the shoulder for it.

"We'll leave you two alone now," Lily winked and dragged her husband to the door.

Sirius closed the door and turned around to face me. "Godfather."

"That poor baby will be a menace at the age of one, with a father and godfather like you two," I grinned.

"Indeed, just like us," Sirius said, pleased at the thought. "Now, let's explore the rest of this cottage, shall we?"

I formed an o with my mouth. "And which part is it that you're eager to find?"

A seductive smile crept over his face and he loosened his collar. "You tell me."

"No, no," I admonished him. "I want to hear it from you."

"Flirting, are we?"

"You prefer it more blunt?"

"You know how I prefer you," he replied with a straight face.

"Sirius!"

"Do you need help with that dress?"

"Yes," I said slowly. "Why don't you take it off?"

His eyes darkened immediately and he strode towards me purposefully. He turned me around, letting his hands glide over my shoulders and neck. Leisurely he began to take the countless pins out of my hair.

I felt his warmth behind me and his breath on my neck as locks of hair fell about my face. When the last pin was removed, he ran his hands through my curls, spreading them around my shoulders. His hands slid downwards and circled my waist, bringing my back against his chest. We stood there for a while, simply enjoying each other's presence.

Silently I grabbed his hand and led him to the bedroom.

Sirius took off my dress as if he were unwrapping a present, slowly and carefully, touching my skin and studying me with stormy eyes.

He was gentle with me, and I with him. Hands slid lazily over skin, lips caressed lips and the pulsing vein in a neck. Kisses were slow, but deep and filled with need. Hair wrapped around fingers and fingers clutching arms and backs, hips clashing, limbs tangling, and ragged breaths and gasps and murmurs filled the air.

Sirius let himself go with a loud cry, shuddering as I wrapped my arms around him. His face buried in my neck and my hands gripping the hair on the back of his neck, we regained our breaths.

He slid off me, manoeuvring me so that he was nose to nose with me. Sliding one leg between my thighs and pulling me even closer, he smiled and mumbled," I love you," and promptly fell asleep.

I kissed him softly. "I love you," I whispered and closed my eyes as well.

* * *

When I woke I found him looking at me from a chair, stark naked. His eyes glittered. I sighed and stretched myself sleepily, taking in his form. He really was a fine piece of wizard. 

"You are so damn beautiful like that," he said huskily. "Naked, mouth swollen, hair wild…"

"I'm all yours," I smiled.

"You are, aren't you?" he replied, a low growl in his throat. I watched the reaction of his eyes and body to my statement with a shiver.

He rose from the chair and sat on the edge of the bed, splaying a hand wide on my midriff. "All mine." He bent down and caught a nipple between his teeth. My hips jerked upwards and I moaned when the vibrations of his chuckle hit my flesh.

Ruefully he pulled back. "I have to tell you something first."

"I've been hearing that a lot," I said, raising a grumpy eyebrow to show him I was not pleased with his sudden lack of ministrations.

Sirius's fingers played with a red curl. "It's about Pete, James, and myself. It involves Remus as well. No one knows this, not even Dumbledore. James has only told Lily after they were married. That's how the four of us had decided it would be."

I propped myself on my elbows. "What is it?" I frowned.

"James, Peter, and I each are an Animagus."

I laughed heartily. "Very funny!"

"It's true. That's how we could keep Remus company during his transformations. A werewolf is only dangerous to humans."

"Sirius, it's a great story, but there are only six Animagi registered this century, one of which is McGonagall. I know you're not – aaarghh!"

Suddenly a large, black dog was sitting on the bed. It gave my face an affectionate lick before it turned back into a human.

"Nggrfff," I managed to say.

"We're unregistered," Sirius explained. "We found out how to do it during our fifth year. No one knows."

"Unregistered!" I gasped. "Dangerous!"

Sirius shrugged. "It was the best we could do for Remus."

I was struck by Sirius's sense of loyalty. Chuckling I shook my head. "An overgrown, black dog. If there was ever someone whose animal form resembled his personality perfectly…"

He grinned.

I gasped. "The nicknames! Padfoot!"

"Indeed. James is a stag, Pete a rat."

"Prongs and Wormtail. Merlin's socks!"

"Are you angry with me for keeping it from you?" Sirius asked anxiously.

"Well, I do think that you should make it up to me…" I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively.

"I suppose I can deal with that," Sirius shrugged in a bored fashion, teasing me.

I huffed. "I want to tell you to just bite me, but that suddenly has got a whole new meaning."

He gave me a roguish grin. "You want me to bite you, eh?"

I squealed with laughter when he lunged forward and attacked my neck wildly. Tickling him, I managed to get him on his back and hold him in place.

With a devious smile I slid down his body, nipping his thigh.

"Please tell me you have no intention of biting me there," Sirius asked with a hint of nervousness.

"Relax," I purred.

"Gods, Merlin, Circe, Agrippa…" Sirius pleaded.

"I'd prefer if it was just us," I replied and effectively shut him up.

* * *

**A/N: Click the little button below and tell me what you think!**


	39. Brothers And Babies

**Brothers and Babies**

My sister graduated Hogwarts in June and married Orion Zabini two weeks later. I was her maid of honour and watched her take her wedding vows in front of our entire family and all of her friends. I felt a sharp pain in my chest because of this, but the weight of my rings on a fine golden chain around my neck comforted me. Sirius may not have minded that I couldn't wear his ring, and may not have needed it to let him know we were married, but the little thing did mean a lot to me. It felt as if I had him with me, warm against my skin.

His entire family was present at the wedding. Orion's mother, Carina, was a Black – hence his first name. With a strange feeling in my stomach I realised they were my family as well. I glanced at my brother-in-law, Regulus. How he looked like Sirius.

After the reception my Mark began to burn. I quickly excused myself and Disapparated, not listening to my mother's protests.

"Friends," the Dark Lord welcomed us.

It had been a long time since I had been summoned. The Dark Lord's interest in Sirius and Nicole had been tempered when he became occupied with other things. His immortality. There had been rumours about something called a Horcrux. What had triggered his sudden interest I didn't know. Dumbledore's face when I had told him about this rumour had scared me. He paled, and for a moment the lines in his face were etched into his skin so deeply that they revealed his true age. He knew more.

In any case, I was grateful for whatever it was that had made Voldemort's attention divert.

I chastised myself when I realised I had not heard a word of what the Dark Lord was saying.

"You'll train him well, won't you Bella?"

"Of course, master," Bellatrix purred. She pushed a figure forward into the circle. "Introducing to you, my cousin."

I jolted up straight, Sirius's name shooting through my head for an agonizingly confusing moment.

Then the figure dropped to his knees, glancing up. _Regulus. _

Sirius would go insane.

* * *

"THAT INSUFFERABLE LITTLE PUSH-OVER!" Sirius roared. 

"I'm sorry," I said softly.

He didn't hear me. His nostrils flaring, he heaved a deep breath and uttered another string of curses.

I watched him pace around his room at the Potters' like a caged animal. He was in pain and even exploding in anger like he usually did wasn't enough. Regulus was his little brother.

"How could he... why – IDIOT!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. "This is my mother's doing, I know it!" he said to me, his eyes black and his face contorted in rage, overcome with the volatile temper that was a family trait. Ironically, he had never looked more like a Black than right now.

"Little arsehole," he muttered viciously. "Stupid, ignorant, brainless idiot. IDIOT!"

I noticed the little muscle in Sirius's jaw was twitching, which only happened when he was beside himself with rage. I had only seen it happen once before; when he had come to confront me with my engagement to Evan.

Sirius moved his shoulders in a strange fashion, as if his skin was too tight around himself. "That – that... bitch couldn't get her hands on me, but now she has _him_!" he growled. "Fool, damned fool!"

With a cry of rage and a harsh curse he whirled around and slammed his fist into the wall. The wall didn't give, but neither did his hand. After a few more punches that were so forceful I thought I heard his knuckles crack he turned back and leaned against the assaulted wall.

My heart clenched together when I saw the hurt written over his face. "Will it ever stop?" he asked, trying to smile at his own question. He failed.

"Yes," I assured him. "It will stop." _It has to stop. _

He slid down the wall and looked up to me, resembling a lost puppy. I smiled inwardly at my own analogy. Well over six feet and around 14 stone, you'd think it was impossible, but here he was. I walked through the room and kneeled next to him.

"Was this how you felt when you found out Rowan was a Death Eater?" he asked roughly.

"No," I answered sadly. "I never expected my brother to be like me." I gently stroked Sirius's face. "Like you did."

"I hate him!" he hissed.

"No, you don't. You're hurt that Regulus chose his family's side and not yours."

"Who are you to tell me what I feel?" he snapped angrily at me.

I said nothing, but merely raised an eyebrow.

"Jesus, sorry," he sighed. "I didn't mean that."

"Doesn't matter."

"Why does everything have to be so bloody difficult?"

I took his raw and bruised hand in my own and healed it with a quick charm. "Not everything is difficult," I said, pressing a kiss to the knuckles.

He traced the line of my lips with his finger with a faint smile, calming down just as easily as getting worked up. "You're right. Some things are very simple."

* * *

Though Sirius and I were okay, looking back on it, that was the moment when things really began to go downhill. 

You could see it in everybody's eyes. We were losing this war. One by one those who opposed the Dark Lord were murdered. Muggleborns, half-bloods, pure-bloods, blood traitors; it didn't matter. Wizards with high positions in the Ministry, or members of the influential Councils and Wizengamot; old, young, families, children. There was no difference.

There was one upside – for me personally at least. I no longer had to make the horrendous choices of who to warn and who to leave in ignorance of their fate, to save me from suspicion. So many people were targeted that it didn't matter anymore. I tipped everyone whose name I had heard from fellow Death Eaters. Some were saved; others hunted down and killed nonetheless.

Edgar Bones and his family had gone into hiding. He was a member of the Order, but also a well-respected member of the wizarding community. He had repudiated Voldemort's offer to join him. Gideon and Fabian were also high on the Dark Lord's list, as well as Dorcas Meadowes. They refused to stop fighting.

I knew from Lily that even the Muggle world was uneasy. How could it not? A heavy and uncomfortable mood had descended on the land, thick with the smell of fear and distrust. It didn't take canine-like senses like Sirius and Remus's to notice it anymore; I could smell it too.

The surrealism we lived in became painfully clear when Lily's father died – of a mere heart-attack.

James and Lily had their first marital crisis because of this. James was reluctant to let his wife go to the funeral. As every Order member they were in danger – and on top of that, Lily was eight months pregnant. If anything happened…

She told him she would go no matter what he said. In the end he went with her, along with Sirius, Remus, Peter, Gideon, and Fabian. They made up shortly after that. Nobody had time to stay angry at each other.

In between the skirmishes, the death, and the complete glumness there was one bright spot, although Lily may not have fully agreed about that with me while she was in labour.

"JAMES ROGER POTTER! YOU DID THIS TO ME! IF YOU EVER COME NEAR ME AGAIN I WILL CASTRATE YOU AND HANG YOUR BALLS FROM THE ASTRONOMY TOWER!"

The door to Lily's bedroom flew open and a wild-eyed James stormed outside, followed by more colourful swearing from Lily.

Sirius caught James by the arm before he could dash downstairs and run. "Hold it, mate. Where are you going?" he inquired friendly.

"She… She was reaching for her wand," James panted. "I ran for my life. Bloody Merlin!"

I chuckled, but quickly clapped my hand in front of my mouth when James sent an impressive glare at me.

"I'm sure she doesn't mean it," Sirius soothed. He glanced sideways at me. "Does she?" he asked for reassurance.

I shrugged. "How should I know? I've never been in labour." I shot a perturbed look at the door. "Thankfully." At that moment I would have been happy to stay childless for the rest of my life.

"Look, James," Sirius said, trying to talk his friend back into the room. "She wants you in that room. Possibly just to kill you, I grant you that, but she needs you. Come on, we've run around with a werewolf, Prongs, how scary can this be?"

The look James gave him said more than enough.

"Pull yourself together, man," Sirius barked authoritatively.

James straightened himself and turned to the door, opening it just enough to let his nose through. "Lily, darling? How are you?"

"Oh, James! I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Please come back!" Lily exclaimed.

James's shoulders sagged in relief and he stepped back inside. Sirius and I dropped ourselves on the sofa again.

Lily had wanted only James and the midwitch at the birth, but as godparents we had been ordered to stay close. Abby had gone downstairs to get everyone something to eat and Roger was also downstairs, pacing a path into the floor.

"You know," Sirius said thoughtfully. "I knew pregnant women had mood swings, but I didn't actually expect that to last through the birth itself."

"Chauvinistic pig," I muttered.

He wisely chose to ignore that.

We waited… and waited… and waited. Incoherent sounds came from the bedroom and once a loud, pained yelp, which most definitely was not uttered by a woman or a child. Sirius had a slightly disturbed expression on his face after that. And finally, a high-pitched cry rang our ears, immediately followed by the wails of a baby.

Sirius shot almost three feet into the air. "Oh my god, the baby! It's here!" He whirled around, pulled me to my feet and kissed me thoroughly.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?"

"I don't know!"

"Sirius! Breathe, for Merlin's sake!"

"What? You can't curse in front of my godson. I am a man of responsibility now," he said, wagging his finger at me. He looked as if he were ready to bounce around the house – on his head.

I rolled my eyes. "Sit!"

He folded his arms and looked down his nose at me. "Just because my animal form is a dog, Niamh Black, doesn't mean you get to order me around."

"Oh really?"

"Yes, really."

"If you don't sit down, I will…"

"What?" Sirius chuckled. "You'll threaten me with celibacy again? You know that doesn't work; I can have you begging for me in less than five minutes."

"Bastard."

"Tsk, tsk, language," Sirius chastised me, clearly enjoying the situation now. "Or I'll threaten _you_ with celibacy."

"You wouldn't last a week."

"Are you challenging me?"

"I suppose I am."

"What the bloody hell are you two doing?"

At the sound of James's voice we jumped back, our noses having been only an inch apart.

"The baby…" Sirius breathed. "Is it…?"

"The baby is fine," James beamed. "It's a boy."

"And Lily?" I asked.

"She's fine too. Where's Mum?"

"I'm here! I'm here!" Abby shouted, bolting up the stairs, Roger right behind her. They really were quite fast for an elderly couple. "Tell me! What…?"

"You have a grandson," James smiled.

"Oh Jamie!" She flung herself around James's neck, sobbing like mad.

I found that my own vision was getting suspiciously blurry. Sirius leaned over to me. "You old softie," he chuckled.

I elbowed him in the side. "Shut up."

Still chuckling he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pressed a kiss to my temple.

The midwitch opened the door. "She's ready."

A moment later I was looking at a tiny creature that was sleeping peacefully in the arms of his mother. A tuft of black hair peeked out from under his blanket.

"He has blue eyes," Lily whispered.

"All babies have blue eyes," Abby smiled. "We'll have to wait a while to see what colour they really are."

"He's beautiful," I murmured. "What's his name?"

Lily looked at her baby. "Harry." She smiled. "Harry James Potter."

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**A/N: Sorry for the huge delay in updates. My computer broke down and when it was finally repaired I had so much stuff to finish for school I wasn´t able to write at all. But I´m back! I hope you´ve enjoyed the chapter. I´m really beginning to near the end now...**

**Please Review!**


	40. Autumn

**A/N: I'm very proud of myself for updating so quickly. Of course, I was not intimidated at all by a certain person's staring-werewolf-threat... Or maybe just a little ;) I'm afraid there won't be a sequel though, Messr-Paddifoots-love, when I've reached the end of the story everything is pretty much finished. And you caught a mistake! She did stay inside the house, so she didn't change her appearance, but I completely overlooked the midwitch! Bad me! I'm still thinking about how I will fix that.  
I'm happy to be back too, Katy :) You really think Harry will die in book 7? I've always had the suspicion it's gonna be Ron. And I really, really don't want Lupin to die. He's one of my favourites. And Tonks! And Gred and Forge! And Sirius - although he doesn't really count in this list, since he's already dead... Hmm. ****You know, for a person who has no trouble at all killing her own characters off, I seem to be very worrisome about JKR's characters...  
****Anyways, thanks to Kurama-forever and SiriusLover08 (always great to hear from a new reviewer!) for reviewing and I hope you all like the next chapter.

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**Autumn**

"Enjoying yourself?" Severus asked, raising a sardonic eyebrow at me.

I grinned at him over the top of my wine glass. "I'm just bouncing with delight," I riposted.

"The bride is looking lovely," he then said, with his usual way of making a mockery out of light conversation.

I chuckled. "Yes, she looks very happy," I agreed innocently.

Severus gave me a sharp look, but snorted in amusement when I batted my eyelashes.

It wasn't as if I was lying; Sophie Westley – pardon me, Sophie Rosier – looked exquisite; and of course, so was Evan. A very handsome couple indeed.

My mother had thrown quite an impressive temper tantrum when our family had received the invitation to Evan's wedding. I was dying to go, however. Finally I would be completely free from that man. Married off to another. No more sly comments from my mother and sister, no more worrying that Evan wanted to pick up where we had left off. Free!

Though I was so happy I could do a dance on the spot, I grudgingly admitted I felt sorry for Sophie. The girl had no idea what she was getting into. She was so innocent it almost hurt. I had felt like a scandalous and perverted woman when she had welcomed me to her wedding with open arms and shining eyes and had gasped, "Miss Carden, I'm so happy you're here. Evan has told me so much about you and I couldn't wait to meet you. And now you're here!"

I had forced a smile on my face. Sophie was an angel in her pure white gown – I had no doubt the colour was justified – and flowing golden hair. Happiness danced in her baby-blue eyes. She bombarded me with information about the arrangements of her wedding and asking me advice in all sorts of things. She requested I would help her pick a new set of clothes. "After all," she said, "I can't go around looking like a girl anymore and I've always admired your gowns."

"My gowns?" I had stuttered.

"Yes, from the pictures in the Daily Prophet and Witch Weekly," she clarified. "Please, please say you'll help me."

_Oh God. How can I say no to that?_

I couldn't. And so, ten minutes later we had planned a visit to Diagon Alley the moment she returned from her honeymoon.

"Niamh?" Severus asked.

I blinked, realising I had been lost in thought. In one gulp I downed my wine. "She's so bloody innocent it's driving me mad," I said to him.

This took him by surprise and he let out a short laugh. "I'll drink to that." He waved at a waiter to refill my glass. We clinked our glasses together with a grin.

Severus wasn't unpleasant company to be around. Well, he could be sullen, cruel, and condescending, and Sirius thoroughly disliked him – if not hated – but I always felt that Severus's sarcasm and sharp tongue kept me sharp instead of numbed, like I usually felt when chatting away like a cow at these sorts of gatherings. We'd been sparring partners since our first year at Hogwarts.

"You know she'll never be happy with him," he said, inclining his head to Evan, who was just whispering something in his wife's ear. Her whole face lit up.

I groaned inwardly. He had clearly put his charms to good use. She adored him. _Poor girl._

"Marriage isn't about happiness, Severus," I sighed. "It's about connections."

"Well, well, well," he scoffed. "Haven't you listened carefully to your mother."

I laughed. "Severus!" I scolded.

He looked sideways at me, his mouth twitching. "You know what I mean though?"

"Of course I do," I said. "He'll put her in his family's house, get her pregnant, and do as he likes."

"She obviously loves him," he stated in a bored fashion.

"Her family should have taught her better," I retorted mercilessly.

"Cold witch."

"Psh, don't tell me you disagree!"

"As a matter of fact; I am madly in love with a woman myself. I plan on picking wildflowers for her, bring her a serenade, and ask her to marry me," Severus replied straight-faced, and so dryly that I sprayed my wine back into my cup.

"You're killing me," I coughed.

"Do forgive me."

"Of course I do." I automatically looked around for Aoife, but that was useless. She had been packed off to Ireland when our fathers had found out about her liaison with Cecil. Cecil might be a pure-blood, but he was most definitely not of our social standing. There had been nothing Aoife could do about it. Within an hour my uncle Fionn had had her bags packed and had Disapparated with her.

I had no doubt Aoife would be married soon – whether she liked it or not. Fionn's leniency towards his daughter had ended. _Another life wasted_, I thought glumly.

I became aware of the fact that Severus's eyes were examining my face, so I quickly conjured up a wicked smirk. "Do you think Evan will appreciate it if I give his bride some advice on how to behave in the marital bed?"

"I imagine he'll be thrilled that you and his bride are swapping stories."

"You're sharp today, Severus."

Before he could reply, Narcissa floated by and stopped to chat. Only a few months after the birth of her son, Draco, she had already regained her old figure.

"Cissy, darling," I chirruped. "How are you?"

"Wonderful, darling. And you?"

"Good, good. How is your baby?"

"Oh, absolute madness. I have a constant headache from all the crying. If I didn't have my nurse, I don't know what I would do," she sighed.

"Fortunately you have some time away now," I replied. "You should have fun."

"I know," Narcissa nodded. "Ah, I see Lucius over there. He hasn't entertained me all night. I think I will force him to dance with me."

I waved with my fingers when she walked on. What a difference from James and Lily. Though little Harry was the son of a pure-blood too, he would never have to grow up as one and that was something he should be very grateful of.

I was able to see my godson two days later. I Apparated to Potter Mansion, prepared to do some serious spoiling. I was surprised to find Sirius there, with Harry in his arms. He hadn't seen me yet as he was sauntering along through Harry's bedroom, the two heads with equally black hair close together.

Sirius's somewhat arrogant features by nature had completely softened and he was murmuring something to the baby. There was something utterly endearing about seeing a large man like him holding a tiny baby so protectively.

He looked up when I walked into the room. "Hi," he said softly.

I smiled down at my two-month-old godson. "Hello," I cooed, caressing his cheek with a finger. So soft. Harry looked at me with wide green eyes, exactly like Lily's. As Abby had predicted, the colour had changed.

I frowned. "Where is Abby?"

"She's under the weather, but Lily and James had planned their first night out together, and she didn't want them to cancel it, so here I am. Instant babysitter." Sirius gave me a kiss, before he turned his attention to Harry again. "So Harry and I have decided to have a boys' night in, although he would never deny his gorgeous godmother to come along."

I snorted. "Don't traumatise the child, will you?"

He chuckled and handed Harry over to me. "Here, I'll get his bath ready for him."

I walked around with Harry in my arms, his firm little body snuggled against me. He yawned widely and wrinkled his nose. "Oooh, sleepy, are we?" I chuckled. "Don't worry, we'll get you to bed in a moment. I don't know what is keeping that godfather of yours." I gently kissed his forehead.

I heard a soft sound behind me and turned around. Sirius was watching me. He didn't say anything, but the intense look in his eyes sent a rush of feelings through me. I smiled. "One day."

He remained silent for a long time.

"What?" I asked.

"I want to remember you like this," he said hoarsely.

A blush crept over my cheeks when he continued to stare at me.

Harry suddenly gurgled, making Sirius blink and smile. "Come on, let's give him his bath."

Harry gasped in the way only very young babies can when we put him in the water, his head supported by Sirius's large hand. It made me smile just looking at it.

"If… er…" Sirius began slowly and glanced sideways at me. "If we were to have a baby, what name would you give it?"

Surprised I looked up.

"Well, I mean, my family are named after constellations – Merlin knows why," he added under his breath. "I've been thinking about whether I would want to name my own child in the same way."

I chewed on my lip, realising what was behind this. Sirius fiercely claimed to be free from his family, and though breaking with the name tradition could be viewed as a sign of that, I knew that it was also a sign of his continued hatred towards them. A hatred I had told him kept him linked to his family.

A thought appeared in my mind. "I've always liked Saoirse," I said casually.

His head shot up at the sound of that Irish name.

"It means freedom," I added.

Slowly the serious expression on his face dissolved. "I can't hide anything from you, can I?"

I grinned at him. "No, you can't. You would do well to remember that. Now, what do you think of Cuán?"

"Sounds nice."

"Means little dog."

Sirius burst out laughing. "Very funny," he mocked, but his dark thoughts had floated away.

_Good_, I thought. _Like we don't have enough to worry about already._

With a groan as if he were lifting something heavy he took Harry from the bath. "So, little man," he said, holding the baby up in front of him. "What do you think of a nice long nap?"

Harry merely stared at him doubtfully and proceeded to pee all over his shirt. I shook with laughter at Sirius's expression.

"Why, you cheeky little…" Sirius muttered and laid his godson on top of the chest of drawers Lily used to change Harry on. He cleaned himself with a simple charm.

"Right, I think it's time we establish some ground rules, young man," Sirius said sternly. "One, there will be no peeing on godfathers. Two, there will be no crying when I'm entertaining myself with your godmother." He ignored my indignant exclamation. "Three, there will be no… ah, never mind, too much rules will ruin you."

I grabbed a fluffy towel from a drawer and softly dried Harry's skin.

He was so tired that his eyes were drooping while Sirius put his diaper on. "What have you done with him? He's exhausted," I whispered.

"We've been entertaining each other all afternoon," he grinned.

"You've been boring him with Marauder stories, you mean," I concluded dryly. "No wonder he's sleepy."

"I beg your pardon? We Marauders will be famous for many years to come. I'll have him ready to continue the Marauder tradition long before he's eleven," Sirius declared.

I raised a sceptical eyebrow. "Don't let Lily hear you say that. She'll fire you."

He carried Harry to his cradle and laid him on his stomach. I bent over and kissed my godson, inhaling the scent of baby.

Wrapping his arm around my shoulders Sirius walked downstairs with me. "Lets just hope that any baby of ours has my looks," he commented daintily. I elbowed him viciously in the side. Sirius doubled over, laughing, but quickly redeemed himself by kissing me deeply.

We spent the evening comfortably downstairs. A little Muggle device Lily called a baby monitor lay on the table so we could hear Harry if he started crying.

We brought some tea to Abby's room, who really seemed to be coming down with something. Sirius asked if he should send a message to Roger, who was visiting a friend, but Abby said she was fine. The next day I heard Roger and James had called for a Healer, who had diagnosed Abby with dragon pox. I stared in horror at Sirius. "But…" I stuttered, "at her age…"

"I know," Sirius said sadly. "Roger refuses to leave her side, even though he could become ill too."

I hadn't expected anything else from Roger. He'd been married for over fifty years; he would not leave his wife alone while she was suffering from a life-threatening disease.

"Merlin be damned," I groaned. "Not this too."

Sirius opened his arms, offering me a place to hide, which I gladly took.

Two weeks later Abby died; Roger followed her three days later.

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**Please Review!**


	41. Eyes on Me

**A/N: Well, I'm really on a roll. Currently writing Chapter 44, so expect more speedy updates. It just keeps pouring out of my head... Kurama-forever, hpandfriendsruletheworld, Domlando Blonaghan ( Oh my god, if you put it that way, Harry's death seems almost inevitable!Refusing to continue that train of thought right now... Ilove the name too :) But I don't know the books; I'll be looking for them) and Messr-Paddifoots-love: Thanks for your reviews!**

**Warning! Violence and rape in this chapter. Skip if you feel you might be offended!

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**Eyes on me**

"They've found him!" I panted. "They've found Henry!"

Henry Fairburn was a Muggle, but with connections to the wizarding world. He'd been in hiding since July, since he'd been targeted by the Dark Lord. The Ministry and the Order protected him. And now he had been found. By Bellatrix and her protégé Regulus.

"How the hell do they know where he is?" James shouted. Fortunately there was someone at Headquarters.

"I don't know! Evan just told me!" I shouted back. "Hurry up!"

I Apparated back to the loo at work. With shaking hands I smoothened my hair and took a deep breath, hoping James could rally some members in time.

"Calm down," I muttered to myself in the mirror. Taking another deep breath, I turned away from my reflection and walked back to my office.

A moment after I had seated myself, Quinn sauntered in. "Was that Evan I just saw?"

"It was," I answered.

"What was he doing here?"

"Oh, nothing in particular," I shrugged. "Just stopped by to chat."

"Really?" Quinn asked, quirking an eyebrow. "He's rather fond of you, isn't he? For a newlywed?"

"Quinn!" I reproached my boss. "I happen to be very fond of Sophie and I don't appreciate that insinuation."

_Just what I need. Rumours that I'm having an affair with Evan. _And I really did like Sophie. She was adorable.

"Well, I wouldn't blame you if my insinuation was true," Quinn replied unfazed.

"Evan is merely a friend," I said pointedly. "And so is Sophie."

"Of course, of course."

The day seemed to drag on endlessly. When I finally could go home I was wrecked. I sent a message to Sirius, inquiring about Henry, but fell asleep before he answered. The next morning there was a meeting at Headquarters. The moment I entered I knew something had gone wrong. "You didn't make it in time, did you?" I asked James.

He shook his head. "No, he was already dead when we got there. The Auror that was with him too."

"Do we know how it happened?"

"They entered with force," James answered. "They knew exactly where Henry was."

I swore under my breath. "How is that possible? His hiding place was perfect!"

James shrugged. "I don't know."

"You look tired," I frowned. It had been a month since his parents died and he clearly didn't get much sleep. "You should take a few days off."

"Can't. Too much work."

Poor James. He was in his final year of Auror training, had a three-month-old son, and now had to take care of his parents' affairs.

"Merlin, Prongs, you look like shit," Sirius commented from behind me.

"Thanks, mate," James snorted.

I leaned back against Sirius's chest, who put his arms over my shoulders. We had celebrated his 21st birthday quietly last week, because of Abby and Roger's death. Sirius put up a happy face for everyone, and James in particular, but the death of his foster parents had hit him hard. Still, he tried to smile and cheer the rest of us up.

"Did you get my message last night?" he asked me.

"No, I had fallen asleep already. I was exhausted."

"Why did Rosier come to visit you? I wish he would just leave you alone," Sirius hissed.

I gave him my standard reply, adding a sarcastic scoff to it. "He's a friend of mine."

"I don't trust him."

"He's a Death Eater," I said dryly. "I believe your mistrust is quite justified."

"I mean that I don't trust him around you," he pressed. "He only gave you up because he had no choice."

"You're worrying too much," I waved his concerns away. "The fact that he gave me up for his business shows that I mean little to him."

Sirius made a vague, unconvinced sound. "Don't underestimate him."

"I won't."

Dumbledore entered that moment and we all sat down. "The Ministry have returned Henry's body to his family," he greeted us.

"Do we know more about how it happened yet?" Emmeline Vance asked.

Dumbledore and Dorcas Meadowes simultaneously shook their heads. "We don't know how they found out," Dorcas sighed. It was one of her Aurors that had been killed too.

I realised I was staring into my coffee cup and blinked. When I lifted my head I noticed Benjy Fenwick watching me. I did not like the look in his eyes. Accusatory. I remembered the incident at John and Marlene McKinnon's burning house all too well. Benjy had accused me of betrayal.

"It's a mystery," Gideon said frustrated.

I felt more doubtful eyes on me. _Not this again. _

Benjy and his suspicions of me were contagious it seemed. _Doesn't matter that I risk my bloody life every day_, I thought bitterly. _I come from the wrong family, thus I am suspect. Sometimes the discrimination works both ways._

I sighed. That wasn't fair of me. Now that things were going worse and worse, it was only natural that they needed someone to blame. And who fitted the job better than me? A pure-blood, from one of the worst families possible. Whose brother and cousin were killed while wearing a Death Eater mask. Who'd been engaged to a Death Eater. Who had many friends among the pure-bloods, and very little among the rest of the wizarding world.

Sure, I'd said I didn't agree with Voldemort, but who knew what I really did when I was in his circle? Nobody was there to check me. And sure, I was friends with Lily and James, and Remus and Peter, but they were friends of Sirius Black too. Sure, he had proven many times that he was on the Order's side, but he was still a Black.

And now that hiding places were suddenly discovered without any idea how, eyes searching for a culprit turned quickly to those with a suspicious surname.

Not everybody's eyes of course. Dumbledore had faith in me, as well as McGonagall. Gideon and Fabian I considered friends and I knew the feeling was mutual. It was mostly those I didn't know well, those who were just acquaintances of Sirius and me. I sighed again. I was so sick of it. Of all of it. The lies, the distrust, the fear, the death. Merlin, I just wanted to crawl in my bed and sleep for a year, curled up under my blankets.

The meeting was over rather quickly. There was nothing we could do until we knew how Henry was discovered.

I left for work, thinking about how I would tell Cecil the news that Aoife was married. To Connor O'Malley, respectable member of the wizarding community in Longford, widower, and over twice my cousin's age. The new Mrs. O'Malley would not be coming over to England for a while. She wanted to get settled in her new home.

I snorted contemptuously. Obviously that letter had not been written by Aoife herself, but by either her father of her mother. I had tried writing to her a few times, but every letter I had sent had been replied with a short, formal note, making it crystal clear to me that Aoife's mail was being read.

Still simmering about that injustice I trotted up the steps to the office. Startled I stopped in my tracks, but quickly masked my face. "Evan," I smiled. "Good to see you. What brings you here?"

With a charming smile Evan walked over to me and kissed my cheek. His expensive cologne invaded my nose. "I decided to stop by before work so I could invite you to lunch. One o'clock good for you?"

"Er… sure," I answered bewildered. "That'd be great." Fortunately I could hide my confusion behind the impeccable manners that had been pounded into my being by my mother. "I'll leave the restaurant to your choice."

"Good," Evan nodded. "I'll pick you up at one then."

"Bye." Still befuddled I watched Evan exit, wrapping his cloak around him to shield him from the raw weather outside.

A loud cough from behind me made me jump up. I turned around and rolled my eyes. "Not a word," I hissed at Quinn.

"I didn't say anything," my boss exclaimed in indignant innocence.

"Your non-verbal skills speak for themselves," I retorted.

"I just have one thing to say," Quinn insisted.

"What?"

"If he takes you to Addison's or Vienne's you know enough."

I growled threateningly and pushed past him to go to my office that had a door and a lock, so I could keep my annoyingly prying boss outside. Addison's and Vienne's were two very expensive restaurants in Diagon Alley. Both classy and with the perfect atmosphere for dates.

_But_, I told myself, _this is just lunch, not dinner. Besides, you don't know whether he'll take you there. And even if he did, business meetings are also often held there. It would mean nothing. Nothing!_

"Don't underestimate him," I repeated Sirius's words. Why couldn't Evan just disappear from my life?

That afternoon I sat tensely opposite my ex-fiancé, who leaned back in his chair with a very relaxed and content air. Addison, the owner of the restaurant, had taken our orders personally. Fingering the stem of my wineglass I decided attack was the best defence. "How is Sophie?" I asked sweetly. "I haven't seen her for a while."

Something flickered in Evan's eyes. I grabbed my glass more tightly. The reason I had always been afraid of him suddenly became very clear again.

"She's fine," he answered after a moment. "Busily overseeing the redecoration of the house at the moment."

"Ah." Feeling eyes on me, I looked around the restaurant. With effort I managed to suppress a groan. There were Giselle Malfoy – Narcissa's mother-in-law, Mrs. Crouch, Mrs. Fudge, and Narcissa's mother, Anastasia. They were talking in hushed voices to each other, their eyes on our table and their eyebrows raised.

"You shouldn't be seen with me in public. People will talk," I told Evan quietly.

"If you're referring to the four cows sitting near the window, I don't give a damn," he replied calmly.

"You've just taken over your father's business," I admonished him. "You don't need this kind of attention."

"The talks and rumours about your brother and cousin have died out," he said. "You're still invited to every party or soiree in London. I should be very honoured to have lunch with such a popular lady. " He smiled teasingly.

I snorted. "Indeed, so those old cows you just spoke of, they will be in want of new gossip. And what better rumour than two exes suddenly having lunch together in the most luxurious restaurant in Diagon Alley. And oh, let us not forget, one of those exes is a newlywed." I almost hissed the last words at him.

"Aren't we concerned about our reputation all of a sudden," Evan chuckled. "Listen, Niamh. I've married, produced an heir – Sophie is pregnant by the way – and I've taken over my father's position. I'm free to do whatever I want now."

_Oh, bloody Merlin._

"I'm sure you understand that I've had quite enough of being the centre of gossip, Evan," I retorted. "I would like a little quiet in my life. And you should be with your _wife _in her delicate condition, instead of with me."

"I've missed you, Niamh," he declared softly.

My eyes widened. "What?" I gasped. _What sort of cosmic joke is this?_

"I can't even have a normal conversation with my _wife_. I've married a child. She has nothing of you in her. I'm going insane in that house. I want you."

I let out an incredulous laugh. "You're joking, aren't you?"

Evan's eyes flashed again. "Do I look like I'm joking?" he snapped. My stomach lurched.

Clearing my throat, I shifted uncomfortably on my chair and glanced at the four matrons near the window. They were still looking at us, no doubt fascinated by the serious turn our conversation had suddenly taken.

"Evan," I began. "I'm sorry to hear that you're unhappy. But we decided to be friends when we broke the engagement. I'm not the type to have an affair with a married man. On top of that, I like Sophie. I could never do this to her."

He narrowed his eyes. "You're refusing me?"

"Yes, I am," I answered. "I'm sorry."

I felt sweat trickle down my back. All I wanted was to get away from him, before he backed me into a corner somehow. "I think it's best if I leave now," I mumbled and got up.

Evan's hand shot out and closed itself forcefully around my wrist, crushing the bones together. I gasped in pain, barely managing not to back away from him. "People are watching," I hissed through my teeth. "Let go."

With an apologetic smile he released my wrist and leaned back in his chair. I rubbed over my bruised skin. "Goodbye."

As I walked out of the restaurant I could not suppress the shiver that ran down my spine.

* * *

Two days later I stood in a circle watching the torture of a Muggleborn couple. Mulciber, who specialized in the Imperius Curse, had had his fun with the man, forcing him to hurt his wife. Bellatrix had quickly grown tired of it and used the Cruciatus on him until he died. 

The Muggleborn woman stood in the middle of the circle, cowering from us. The prints her husband's hands had left on her were clearly visible. I sighed and shifted my weight from one foot to the other. I was standing between Bellatrix – who had brought Regulus along – and Severus. I noticed Regulus was shifting on his feet too and fretting with his hands and wand. I frowned.

A sudden outburst of cruel laughter snapped my attention back to what was going on. Some of the group were taunting the woman with what they were going to do.

"Be my guest, Travers!" one of them laughed. I recognized Evan's voice.

"No, please," the witch gasped, tears beginning to stream down her cheeks. "Please don't."

I loathed Travers. He was not often with our group, which I was thankful for. I couldn't stand to be within ten feet of the man. I had since long learned that he'd been at the McKinnons murders and was the one that had raped Marlene. An activity he seemed to have a particular fondness for.

With disgust and pity I watched Travers step forward and fist his hand in the nightgown of the woman. I remained frozen as he worked her to the ground on her stomach. Long white legs flailed in panic when her gown was jerked up to her hips. I looked away when Travers fumbled with his robes and I pretended not to hear her screaming. But her voice rang in my head and tore at my nerves. The helplessness of that woman made me feel sick.

I shuddered with revulsion when I heard the satisfied groan coming from Travers. The screaming turned into a pained whimper.

I forced myself to look back. The side of her face was pressed into the floor; her eyes staring at something beyond the Death Eaters around her. My hand clenched around my wand. The rhythmic sounds coming from that monster echoed in my head and I could taste the bile on my tongue. Detached I watched my arm raise and point my wand at Travers.

I didn't fully realise what I was doing until after I had blasted him off his victim. Travers flew through the air, landing on top of Lucius. They tumbled to the floor.

My jaw dropped in shock. _What have I done?_

Evan ripped his mask from his face. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" he bellowed.

I stood motionless, staring at the woman, who pulled her gown back over her hips, crying and screaming at the same time.

"NIAMH!" Evan roared furiously.

I blinked and looked up. "What?" I asked arrogantly.

Evan huffed. "_What_?" he repeated incredulously.

"Are you insane?" Travers shouted at me, having scrambled to his feet.

"I was bored," I yawned. "And disgusted. Surely you can find something less filthy to stick it in. Think of it as a favour."

I heard Bellatrix guffaw next to me. Haughtily I took off my mask and raised an eyebrow at Travers, now that I had myself back under control.

"Thank you," the witch choked.

I had no choice. No, that was not entirely true; I could have grabbed her and Disapparated with her to Headquarters, but I chose differently.

Raising my wand at her, I summoned every grain of hatred I felt for myself and the people around me. "_Avada Kedavra!_"


	42. Hunt for a Brother

**Hunt for a Brother**

**Sirius's flat**

Sirius grew more nervous by the minute. Niamh had promised him to send him a message the moment she got home. She always did that when she'd been on an assignment from Voldemort. But now he was still waiting, while morning was rapidly approaching. He chewed on his lip. Perhaps she had gone straight to Headquarters. He couldn't wait for her there; any messages were prevented from following the recipients to the house. Maybe he could just pop in, see if she was there, and Apparate back home.

Sirius turned on the spot and Disapparated. Quickly he walked past the protective spells and charms and stepped inside. Nobody but Benjy Fenwick was there. Rolling his eyes covertly, he asked if he had seen Niamh this morning.

Benjy shook his head. "No, is she missing?" he frowned.

"I haven't heard from her yet," Sirius replied, getting impatient. The last thing he wanted was having a little chat with the man who suspected his wife of being a double agent.

"She was out with the Death Eaters?" Benjy pressed.

"Yes," Sirius snapped. "You have something to say?"

"No," he denied quickly.

"Good. I'm going back to wait for her message." Not bothering to say goodbye, Sirius walked outside and Apparated home.

No message. She _always_ sent a message to let him know she was okay. Sirius could think of only one reason why she hadn't done so now. The restless feeling in his chest swelled to a nagging worry. Sirius contemplated staying in his home and waiting for what would happen.

"Screw caution," he muttered and Disapparated again. In a dark corner of Diagon Alley he transformed into his animal form and crossed the distance to Niamh's apartment in a run. He skidded to a halt after having bolted up the stairs and sniffed the front door. She'd been here recently. Sirius snuffled again. There was an unfamiliar smell too.

He gave a loud bark and sat on his haunches to wait for someone to open the door. Impatiently he barked again and let out a loud whine. Finally! He heard footsteps on the other side of the door. Sirius's ears backed and he bared his teeth when he saw who had answered the door.

Evan Rosier stared down his nose at the canine sitting in front of him. "What the…" he muttered.

Sirius growled low in his throat. Evan took a step back.

"Who is it, Evan?" a feminine voice came from inside. It sounded weak and wheezy.

Alarmed, Sirius leaped past Evan and padded inside.

Evan followed him. "Are you acquainted with this... er… mongrel?" he asked.

"What?" Niamh's voice asked confused.

Sirius found her on her sofa in the living room, pale and shaking. Her eyes widened when she saw him. "Er… yes. He's just a stray I feed sometimes. Harmless, really."

Her hand came up to stroke his head, which he had laid on her thigh with a soft whimper. "Evan, I'm fine. You don't need to stay with me. I'll just go to bed and sleep it off."

"You're sure?"

"Yes, thank you."

"Alright," Evan gave in and bent over her to kiss her cheek.

Sirius growled threateningly. Evan quickly stood up straight again.

"He's a bit protective," Niamh apologized.

"I see. Well, goodbye. I'll see you in a few days."

"Bye."

Niamh held her breath until she heard the door close. Then she turned two angry blue eyes on him. "Have you lost your mind?" she inquired.

Sirius turned back to his human form. "What happened?"

She lowered her Occlumency defences. It surprised him every time he saw it. It was visible in her face. It was like a veil dropped in front of her and suddenly the real Niamh appeared. She took a few deep breaths to control the nausea. "I did something stupid," she admitted. "Oh, bugger." She stumbled off to the bathroom, grabbing tables and chairs to remain on her feet.

Sirius could hear a horrible retching sound. He followed her and rubbed her back while her body heaved to rid itself from its stomach contents. Niamh dragged herself to her washbasin and rinsed her mouth with her toothbrush, grimacing at her sickly white face in the mirror.

"Come on," he said softly and snaked an arm around her waist. Niamh's knees wobbled as he guided her back to the sofa and helped her lie on it.

She closed her eyes. "I really did something stupid," she repeated. Unexpectedly her face twisted and she burst out in tears.

Startled, Sirius wrapped her in his arms. "Hey, hey," he soothed. "Come here. Tell me what happened."

"I was punished," she sobbed in his shirt. "Oh God, Travers… he raped a woman. A Muggleborn. And I couldn't bear it. I blasted him off his feet."

"Y – You did what?" Sirius stuttered in shock. "Are you mad?"

"I couldn't help it. I had done it before I realised it. And he told V--Voldemort about it. He punished me."

Sirius recognized the tiny twitches in her muscles that indicated she had endured the Cruciatus Curse. "Did he perform Legilimency on you too?" he asked urgently.

"Yes, but it's okay. He saw nothing compromising, because – because my mind was preoccupied with Evan." Niamh pulled back from him and looked him reluctantly in the eye. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, but Evan has set his mind on having me as his mistress."

Sirius felt every single muscle in his body stiffen. "He _what_?" he asked, narrowing his eyes dangerously.

Niamh swallowed. "He… er… he is bored with Sophie. He has his father's business now, so he can do as he likes."

"And what have you said to him?"

Sirius could see in her eyes that she took offence at his careful and angry articulation of every word.

"I told him that I like his wife and that I have no interest whatsoever in an extramarital affair, Sirius," she snapped.

"And that is why he was here just now?"

"What exactly are you suggesting?" she hissed.

Sirius stood up abruptly. "Nothing. I'm sorry. Merlin, I just want that wizard out of our life!"

"So do I!" she shrieked. "I'm afraid of him and what he is capable of."

"Please be careful around him," Sirius pleaded. "I can't protect you from him and I hate that. Please promise me you'll keep your distance from him." He kneeled back down next to the sofa.

Niamh smiled. "I can take care of myself."

"You're my wife," he retorted gruffly. "Protection comes with the package."

Her smile grew wider. "I love you."

Sirius leaned over and kissed her.

"Do you need to go to St Mungo's?" he asked after he had pulled back.

"No, I just have to sleep. It's not too bad; the effects will wear off."

Sirius looked her up and down. Her hands and legs still made little uncontrolled movements; she was pale and breathed with difficulty… His chest tightened. "Don't ever do that again," he requested with a sigh. "There have been too many narrow escapes already."

"I know." Niamh's bottom lip trembled, but she held her tears back.

"What happened to the witch?" he asked tentatively.

She held back a sob. "I finished it myself." With a cynical scoff she added, "You're married to a cold-blooded murderer."

"No, I'm not," Sirius said softly. "If you had not finished it, would both you and she have had a chance to live?"

Niamh shook her head.

"Then you did the only thing you could, to protect yourself."

"That's a very Slytherin point of view, do you know that?"

Sirius huffed. "Don't expect me to make a habit out of it."

She chuckled faintly. "I'm tired. Will you stay with me?"

"Of course I'll stay with you." He lifted her in his arms and carried her to bed. Not bothering to undress either of them, he lay next to her on his side, propping his head on one hand and caressing her hair with the other.

Exhausted as she was, she fell asleep in moments. Sirius laid his head on the pillow, tugged her closer and closed his eyes too.

* * *

**Niamh's apartment**

I woke up with a heavy weight on my chest. I reached at it with my hands and found my fingers groping in copious amounts of hair. The object on my chest gave a sleepy grunt. Smiling, I relaxed and played with a few strands of Sirius's hair.

My smile faltered as I recalled how reckless I had been. Fortunately I had not been punished too badly and even more fortunately the breach in my Occlumency had revealed nothing of importance. I felt goosebumps appear on my skin. I wondered when I would run out of luck.

Weaving my hand tighter in Sirius's hair I sent a silent prayer up to whatever deity I could think of to end this war soon. But I knew it wouldn't. If the war ended soon now, it would be because Voldemort won. And I would run out of luck. It was just a matter of time. God, I _couldn't _run out of luck. I was a godmother. With Abby and Roger gone, and Lily's parents too, Sirius's and my responsibility as godparents suddenly had become a whole lot more real.

Harry had no one but us should anything happen to his parents. Inadvertently the alternate version sprang to mind. If something should happen to _us… _I shivered and pushed that thought out of my head.

Sirius shifted and mumbled something in his sleep. I whispered his name.

"Hmbrf?" was his muffled reply.

"Sirius." I pushed him off me onto his side and pressed myself close to him. This immediately provoked the reaction I was hoping for. Still half asleep he fumbled with my clothes, making more inarticulate sounds.

"Wake up, Sirius," I murmured in his ear and kissed his neck. Running my hands over his back, I slid a leg between his knees and wriggled myself against him.

Sirius made an approving sound and opened one eye. "How are you feeling?" he asked sleepily.

"Fine," I dismissed his question. What I really wanted was to have him as close as I could. "Make love to me."

A black eyebrow rose with interest. "But you're ill," he protested, out of courtesy.

"I feel fine," I pouted. "Please? I need you."

My hand slid over tender parts, causing him to close his eyes again. "Cheat," he breathed.

I began to nibble on his bottom lip in response.

With a groan he rolled on top of me and deepened my kiss. I gladly opened my mouth for him, wrapping my arms and legs tightly around him at the same time, almost in an attempt to crawl into him.

"I need you."

* * *

It took me a whole week to lose all the lingering effects from the Cruciatus Curse. Fearfully I took my place in the circle once more, fighting the urge to grab my left arm against the pain. The Dark Lord's mood could be felt through the Mark, especially his anger. I had cried out in pain this time – something which had never happened before. He was enraged. 

As I'd hurried to collect my cloak and mask, I wondered what had happened. Voldemort had been in a good mood lately. His plans securing his immortality were coming along very well, though he did not inform his Death Eaters of the details. The rumours about the Horcrux were growing stronger though. Still, I did not know what made him so wary of death. Who could defeat him? Even Dumbledore had trouble keeping his own when he and the Dark Lord met. Dumbledore! The most powerful wizard on earth.

I realised it was extremely foolish to be thinking about Voldemort's nemesis, when he was so close by and quickly forced every thought out of my head. I sank to my knees when the Dark Lord swept into the circle. I cringed. The fury radiating from him struck terror in me. "I have been denied!" he hissed.

I suppressed a sigh. That meant we had another execution on our hands.

"Denied!" Voldemort repeated, anger and disbelief fighting for dominance in his unnatural voice. "Not by one of the Wizengamot or Council, not by one who resisted your persuasions, but by one of our own."

I frowned. What in Merlin's name was going on here?

"One of our own! One I let into my circle, one I trusted, one I thought would climb swiftly in our ranks."

Suddenly I felt like throwing up. I broke out in a cold sweat, trying to control my anxious panting. Was he talking about me?

_No, no_, I tried to calm myself. _You would have been bound and gagged, enduring much more painful things than the Cruciatus by now._ Strange though it may sound, this train of thought actually comforted me.

"I want him found and killed," the dark Lord ordered.

_Who?_

"All of you. Find Regulus Black and kill him!"

* * *

**A/N: I'm keeping the R.A.B-theory out of this. Besides, if Regulus really is R.A.B, I don't think Voldemort would have told the Death Eaters the real reason he wanted Regulus dead. I would love Regulus to be R.A.B though; he's such a mysterious character. I'd love to find out more about him.**

**Anyways, Jennie & Messr-Paddifoots-love: thanks for reviewing :) ( I'm sorry, but my plot-bunny has made me sign a contract not to give any details about the story away;) )**

**Leave a note telling me what you think!**


	43. An Unfaithful Exfiancé

**An Unfaithful Ex-fiancé**

It wasn't in the newspapers. I reckoned Orion Black had paid a large sum of money to keep his son's death quiet.

And so I was the one to tell Sirius. He scared me. Not because he became furious and started shouting and throwing things – I was used to that – no, he said nothing, but clenched his jaw tightly together, his lips turning white. He stared at something over my shoulder while I finished telling him what I knew.

I tried to lock his gaze in mine, but he would not let me. "The burial is tomorrow," I said helplessly.

Sirius gave a curt nod to indicate he had heard me before he stalked past me and slammed the front door shut.

I sank onto the couch with a weary sigh. I scoffed at myself. Here I was, not even twenty-one, and I felt like an old woman. I had tried to find Regulus. Sirius's horrified and fearful face had burned in my mind. His little brother was wanted dead for backing out. And so I had tried to find him, searching with a vigour that the others had taken for fury about Regulus's flight.

Sirius had told me everything he knew about Regulus's life and friends, which unfortunately wasn't much. However, we needed every hint about his possible whereabouts.

All in vain. Avery, Nott, and Dolohov had found and executed him.

After hearing them recollect their success gleefully to the Dark Lord I had gone to Sirius's flat.

I wondered where Sirius had stormed off to, but decided that he needed some time alone. The thought he was in a right enough state to do something reckless crossed my mind, but again I decided not to go after him. When he had set his mind on something, nothing could deter him anyway.

I curled my legs under me and waited for him to come home.

In the middle of the night I was woken by a hot mouth pressing hard against my lips. I struggled in panic, until I recognized the breathing and the scent. Sirius's lips grew even more insistent and his hands tugged impatiently at my robes.

He didn't say a word, but the urgency of his grip on my body spoke loud and clear. I let myself be overwhelmed by his need and moulded into his kiss. Vaguely I heard fabric tearing somewhere, but I didn't care. He had infected me with his rush to feel alive, even before I realised I craved it too.

This was not love-making. Sirius took me hard and fast, still half-dressed, biting my shoulder and hissing when my nails left bloody scratches on his back. I could feel bruises forming on my thighs, but was too far gone to care. He hid his face in my neck when I wrapped my arms tightly around his shoulders, feeling the straining muscles under his skin. Finally I succumbed to the tension in my body and dragged Sirius over the edge with me.

The second time I woke it was already morning. When I sat up I noticed I was covered by a blanket and my clothes had been magically mended. I could hear Sirius rummaging in the kitchen.

We spent the morning mostly in silence. Sirius never told me where he had been that night and I never asked. Though I doubted it was good for him, it was clear he did not want to talk about his brother. To this day I still don't know if he ever visited his brother's grave, but the hint of bitterness that had appeared around his mouth that morning would never leave him.

* * *

"Evan," I greeted the male half of the couple reserved. With considerably more enthusiasm I smiled at his wife. "Sophie, good to see you." 

She kissed my cheek. "I hardly ever see you anymore," she reproved me. "You must come and visit more often. Now that I'm with child, I have to rest as much as I can; Evan says it's important."

_His wife out of his way for nine months. Of course he says it's important, _I thought viciously.

"Does he now?" I mumbled vaguely and glanced up at him. I swallowed when I found his eyes fixed firmly on me. Quickly clearing my throat, I said, "I promise I'll stop by more often, but I'm very busy at work. Cecil has managed to lay his hands on a fascinating scroll. We're still trying to date it, but chances are it was written before 800."

"How exciting," Sophie squealed and linked her arm in mine to lead me into her drawing room.

"Fascinating," Evan's voice drawled behind us, making my skin crawl.

"How is your sister?" I asked him over my shoulder to mask my discomfort. I sat down in a comfortable chair.

"Amelia? She's in Italy," he answered. "She claims the warm weather is better for her son."

"Why? Is Blaise ill?"

"No," he said laconically. "She just needed an excuse so Seth would let her go there."

"Well, I wouldn't mind a trip to Italy either. Not with this ghastly weather outside," I chuckled. "But alas, I have not married into the Zabini family."

"You _should_ get married, Niamh," Sophie piped up. "It does a woman a world of good."

Evan quickly turned his laugh into a cough at the sight of my expression. I glared at him.

"Still abhorring tea parties, I presume?" he asked cordially.

"Yes. Quite," I answered slowly.

The corners of his mouth twitched as he looked at me over the rim of his teacup. My uneasiness grew when I noticed he did not take his eyes off me while I gossiped with Sophie. Squirming uncomfortably I tried to concentrate on what Sophie was saying.

"…and then Mrs. Fudge invited me _personally_ to her soiree next Sunday," she twittered. "I was so excited. Evan won't let me go though. He says my condition is too delicate."

My eyes shot back to Evan and immediately caught his gaze. He'd still been looking at me. "You should let her go, Evan," I said pointedly, conveying my true meaning with my tone of voice.

Evan's eyes flashed. "I like to keep close what is mine," he replied softly, but just as pointedly.

_I am not yours!_ I wanted to scream, but I controlled myself.

"He pampers me," Sophie commented indulgingly, her face shining. How was it possible she did not see what was going on? I smiled quickly at her.

"Darling, don't you think it's time you rest a little?" Evan asked his wife.

"Yes," she sighed. "I'm feeling a little fatigued."

"Well, I should be going." I stood up immediately. "I didn't mean to tire you, Sophie."

"Nonsense," Evan answered in her stead. "There's no need to leave. You haven't even finished your tea."

"I don't wish to intrude." My face was turning rigid, I could feel it.

"You never intrude, Niamh," Sophie chuckled. "Evan will keep you company, won't you, dear?"

"I'd love to."

Sophie rose from her chaise longue. "Well, goodbye, and don't be a stranger or I shall come and hunt you," she reproached me, kissing my cheek in goodbye.

I stood still for a moment to regain my composure before I sat down again. Calmly I picked up my tea cup and stirred the spoon carefully, even though I didn't use sugar. When the door to the drawing room fell shut I lifted my eyes. "What exactly are you playing at?" I asked sharply.

Evan leaned back in his chair and crossed his leg over the other, every bit the aristocratic wizard. "I do adore a good hunt, Niamh, and I don't give up easily."

Incredulously I stared at him, thrown off-balance once more by what lurked behind that handsome, chiselled face. I blinked a few times and clenched my jaw. "We've already discussed this," I hissed. "We are just friends."

"I would like to change that arrangement."

"I would like you to think about your pregnant wife upstairs who adores you," I retorted.

"She's my wife. I provide for her and treat her well – what more could she want?"

"You're being impossible," I sighed.

"Are you doing this because I chose for the family business?" he suddenly asked, a frown marring his features.

"No!" I exclaimed.

"Then why are you making such a problem out of this?"

"Excuse me? Why? They're called principles, Evan," I sputtered. "Ever heard of them?"

"Principles? What principles?"

"You're married; I like your wife." _I hate you; I'm afraid of you._

"I married her for convenience. It's you that I want."

"Evan," I burst out tensely. "Please stop this now before you ruin our friendship any further." I placed my half-empty cup on the table and stood again. "Goodbye." Stiffly I walked to the door, almost jumping up in fright when Evan rose as well and followed me.

"Niamh," he said softly and put his hand over mine on the doorknob. The warm allure in his voice made me shiver. _God, he's dangerous._

"Don't," I mumbled and averted my face.

"If there was no Sophie, would things be different?" he wanted to know.

"If there was no Sophie, you would still be waiting to fill your father's position and we wouldn't be having this conversation at all."

I opened the door, ignoring the fact that Evan's hand still lay on top of mine. Startled I looked into the face of Dunstan Rosier, Evan's father. "Mr. Rosier," I squeaked, wondering how much he had heard.

"Niamh," he nodded. "How do you do?"

"Fine, thank you."

Dunstan's hazel eyes scanned my face. I wished Evan would remove his hand, but he clearly had no inclination of doing so. I slid my hand out from under his and smiled at the elder Rosier. Dunstan had been one of the original Death Eaters, accompanying the Dark Lord from the beginning. Due to a serious injury to his leg years earlier he could not fight anymore. Instead he financed a great deal of his Lord's affairs and had let Evan take his place.

"Is everything all right in here?" he asked curiously.

"Of course," his son answered smoothly. "Niamh was just leaving."

"Yes, I was," I agreed immediately. "It was good to see you again, Evan. You too, Mr. Rosier. G'day." I slipped past both men, gesturing at the waiting house elf to see me out.

* * *

He just wouldn't leave me alone! Every public occasion I went to he was there too. I could always feel his eyes on me. The mixture of anger and fear it caused me put me on edge. 

"Are you even listening to what I am saying?" Lana asked indignantly.

I smiled apologetically at my Hogwarts friend, who I had neglected for far too long. "I'm sorry."

"What has got your knickers all in a twist?"

I sighed. "Evan has. The novelty of being married has worn off, I'm afraid."

"Well, you can't have an affair with him," Lana immediately answered. "He's no good in bed."

"Huh?" I blinked confused.

"You told me so yourself! At Cissy's wedding!"

"What? Oh right, I did." I suddenly remembered my little revenge action. I had let Lana spread rumours about Evan's bedding qualities in retaliation to the fact that he was sleeping around with half the pure-blood society after our break-up, while I had been the one laughed at for being dumped.

_Bastard! And to think that he expects me to swoon at his feet…_

"You're doing it again," Lana sighed.

"What?"

"Drifting off into a whole other world."

"Sorry. Anyway, of course I'm not considering having an affair with him. He's married!"

"Oh yes, that too," Lana agreed casually, as if that fact were less important.

"So, how have you been lately?" I changed the subject.

"Fabulous, darling. And you? Still all work and no fun?"

I burst out laughing. _If only she knew._ "I'm afraid so, though I like this quiet episode."

"I was sorry to hear about Aoife," Lana said sadly. "How old is her husband again?"

"Forty-eight."

"Well, it doesn't really have to matter if he's er… young at heart…" Her voice faltered when I shook my head. "I see."

"I suppose she has some luck that he leaves her alone a lot," I shrugged glumly, "but he won't let her come and visit."

"We can visit her. O'Malley can't possibly have a problem with that," Lana tried.

I shook my head again. "Do you think I haven't tried that already? Mr and Mrs O'Malley appreciate their quiet life."

Lana let out a loud and disbelieving laugh. "Aoife? A quiet life? How stupid does that fuckwit husband of hers think we are?"

Several heads were turned towards us. Perhaps Mrs Crouch's party was not the right place to be discussing this.

"Whoops," Lana giggled. A little more seriously she added, "Perhaps it will turn out fine. Look at you, you didn't want to marry Evan and in the end you haven't. Maybe O'Malley will die in a year or so. If Aoife is a widow, she's free as a bird."

"Maybe she should let her house elf poison him," I pondered.

She chuckled. "By the way, how is your sister?"

"Deirdre? She's happy." Smiling a genuine smile, I continued, "She's very happy with Zabini." It was true; my sister and her husband were obviously in love. The matchmaking of their parents had turned out well. It was good to see Deirdre like that; my little sister would not have worries like mine.

"I don't see them," Lana commented, looking about the room.

"No, they're in Rome at the moment with Amelia and Seth," I explained. "Orion is showing her the city."

I swore under my breath when I saw Evan walking towards me with purposeful strides. "Dance with me," he requested, holding out his hand.

I scowled at him. "I don't feel like dancing," I said waspishly.

"Nonsense," he replied. "I saw you dancing with Fairfax, Graham, Lucius, and Rodolphus, not to mention Barty Crouch. You can't refuse me. Come on, Niamh, people are beginning to watch."

I handed my glass to Lana, who took it with raised eyebrows, and placed my hand in Evan's. He put his other hand on the small of my back, lower than was appropriate, and led me to the middle of the room where he pulled me against him, again closer than was appropriate. I gritted my teeth.

With a fake smile plastered on my face I let him lead the dance. I was unpleasantly reminded of my first dance with Sirius, on the Hogwarts Christmas Ball. It seemed like a century ago and I did not like the fact that I had connected the two dances in my head.

Someone tapped Evan on the shoulder. "Do you mind if I cut in?" It was Devon Malfoy, my sister-in-law's brother.

I smiled happily at my former classmate. I had not seen him in months. "Devon!"

"Yes, I mind," Evan snapped and moved us away from him. Devon blinked once and stepped aside, his shoulders squared in annoyance.

My jaw dropped in disbelief. "What do you think you're doing?" I demanded.

"He can dance with you another time. Right now you're mine."

"I am not yours," I hissed, still trying to keep my face from contorting in anger. "Get it through that thick skull of yours."

Evan twirled me out and back in, pressing me close as he placed his hand on my back again. His face was mere inches away. "We'll see about that," he smirked.

"How is Sophie? All alone at home?" I retorted nastily.

His eyes narrowed. "Careful, Niamh," he warned me in a soft, but threatening voice.

I swallowed and decided to change my tactics. "Please, Evan," I pleaded. "Stop doing this. I'm so tired of being the topic of gossip. Let me be."

"Very well then," he hissed. "You and I will have a drink and a nice chat, to show to everyone we are only friends." He grabbed my elbow and led me to the side, his fingers digging painfully in my arm.

"Let go of me," I ordered him.

"Not yet," he snapped. "You insist we are friends, do you not? Friends have drinks with one another. They spend time with each other."

I was beginning to get scared, even though I was in a room full of people. I held on to the glass he gave me to hide the trembling of my hand.

Evan leaned in to me. "Cheers," he whispered.

Severus walked by. "Try not to be so obvious, Evan," he said. "People are staring."

Immediately I took a step back from Evan and turned to his friend. "Dance with me, Severus," I exclaimed cheerfully and held out my arm.

I sighed in relief when Severus tucked my hand in the crook of his arm and led me away from Evan. His eyes burned in my back.

* * *

**A/N: SexeiAlexeiGurl (great to hear from you again!), hpandfriendsruletheworld, Kurama-forever, and Messr-Paddifoots-love (I'm not exactly sure on the amount of chapters left - it usually turns out longer than I have them planned) : Thanks very much for your reviews. I can't wait for the seventh book. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Regulus. Some people think it's too obvious, but I don't care! Besides, the initials are quite revealing in Dutch - so revealing that when I read the Dutch version I squealed out loud, making my dad frown in a way that suggested he thought his daughter had finally gone mad.**

**Anyways, review please!**


	44. Suspicion

**Suspicion**

_1981. And still at war. _I sighed and waved my wand carelessly to heat up the kettle. There would be an Order meeting here at Headquarters in half an hour. Yawning widely – it was only half past five in the morning – I waited for the water to start boiling. I stuck my wand behind my ear, clamping my mouth shut again.

"Bastard," I hissed, remembering the New Year's party two weeks ago. Though I'd been extremely careful to avoid Evan the entire night, he somehow had managed to drive me into a corner and… "Bastard!" I repeated. And stuck his tongue down my throat.

Sirius was furious. I'd had to do my best to convince him not to go after Evan straight away. He'd been brooding and stewing ever since he'd discovered the bruises in the shape of fingerprints on my elbow. _I should not have told him, _I pondered._ It only made him more angry. Angry enough to do something stup --_

Loud stumbling and yelling coming from the front door caused me to spin around and draw my wand. "ANYBODY!" someone screamed. "I NEED HELP!"

The door to the kitchen burst open to reveal Frank Longbottom. "Niamh! Where is the rest?"

"They're not here yet. What's going on?" I shouted.

"It's Edgar. The Dark Mark is over his house."

"Oh my God," I breathed.

"I have to get back. Contact who you can and send them there. Maybe it's not too late." Frank ran outside again to Disapparate.

I sent my Patronus away to alert the Order members and waited for others to show up here. It was nerve-wracking not knowing what was going on.

"Albus," I breathed in relief. The sight of the tall, white-bearded wizard was comforting. "Edgar Bones. He's been attacked. Frank has gone back. I've already sent messages to the others," I rambled all at once.

"Well done. Wait here, Niamh," Albus told me. "And send any others after me."

"I will."

"I want you to lay low here," he urged. "Whatever you do, do not go to that house."

"But…" I protested.

"Niamh, the last thing we need is someone shouting out your name there by accident," Albus explained and suddenly vanished without a trace, leaving me to wonder how the hell he did that.

Edgar Bones had a wife and three children. To protect them he'd gone into hiding. Only members in the Order knew where he were. _How is it possible he's been fou - oh god… _"No," I said out loud, almost scoffing at myself for the suggestion my mind had made. "No." My voice sounded less sure now.

_No? Then how do you explain the Dark Mark looming over a house that only the Order knew existed_, a little voice nagged.

"There _is_ a traitor," I breathed. "Benjy is right."

Except for the fact that it wasn't me. But who was it then? I had no idea. I quickly ran over the faces of the Order I knew, but how do you identify a spy? _Take a look at yourself_, the little voice butted in again. _No one thinks you are a spy, do they? _

My stomach cramped. If there really was a spy among the Order, I was in great danger. One mention of my name among those of the Order members and I was as good as dead.

"Right," I said thoughtfully. "Maybe there isn't a spy then. After all, I'm still alive. There have been no strange questions. Nobody suspects anything. Right. So, it could all be an unfortunate accident."

I waited for hours at Headquarters. I sent Remus and Peter to Edgar's hiding place when they arrived for the meeting, as well as Emmeline. I reckoned Frank had alerted Auror Headquarters, because none of the members that were Auror came to the house.

"Please, please, let them be all right," I mumbled softly to myself.

Finally the front door opened again. Angry footsteps stomped towards the kitchen. "YOU TRAITEROUS SNAKE!" Benjy Fenwick bellowed at me.

Taken aback I stepped backwards.

"You sold them out!" he shouted. "You sold them to You-Know-Who!"

"Benjy, stop it!" I snapped. "I did no such thing."

"Save me your lies, bitch," he snarled. "I've never trusted you and I've been right all along."

"What is going on in here?" Dorcas Meadowes demanded, marching inside.

"_She_ is what's going on!" Benjy shouted. "She's told her Death Eater friends where Edgar was."

"What are you talking about?" Dorcas asked bewildered.

I threw my hands in the air. "This topic is getting old, Benjy. I did not betray anyone."

More members now spilled into the kitchen.

"I knew it from the moment John and Marlene were murdered. And then Henry Fairburn, and now Edgar and his entire family – how could you, you heartless snake! They were not even ten years old!"

"FENWICK!" a livid voice roared. Sirius pushed past the onlookers and stood beside me. "Talk to my wife once more like that and I will not be responsible for the consequences," he growled, reaching for his wand.

"Good Merlin," Benjy sneered. "Both of them! A Black and a Carden! We should never have let you into the Order in the first place."

I grabbed Sirius's hand to stop him from cursing Benjy. "We've proven countless times that we are on your side, Benjy," I said calmly. "If you still refuse to trust us, that is your problem, not ours."

"Proven?" Benjy spat. "Your families are responsible for more than half the Muggleborn killings in the past _century_! How's that for proof? Practically every Black or Carden is a Death Eater! Excuse me for doubting your sincerity!"

"DO NOT COMPARE ME TO MY FAMILY!" Sirius exploded.

"Cut the drama, Black," Benjy scoffed. "You tell me then, how did You-Know-Who find out where Edgar was, huh? A little bird told him? I know exactly which bird told him." He pointed his finger at me. "This one."

"Benjy, that's enough!" James barked, stepping forward.

"How can you trust them? You have a newborn son, James. Think about him."

James's nostrils flared. "I trust Sirius and Niamh with my life – and with my son's life. More than anyone else in this room," he added with a poisonous look at Benjy, who let out a disbelieving laugh.

"Turning the tables on me now? I'm not the suspicious one here. _She_ is in the perfect position to pass on Order information. And there _is_ a spy! How else would you explain that Edgar is dead? The only ones who knew where he was are standing in this room right now! Edgar was sold to You-Know-Who and Carden is the one who did it!"

"That will be quite enough, Benjy," a soft but authoritative voice interjected. Dumbledore stood in the doorway. Immediately the murmuring stopped, but I still felt a dozen mistrustful eyes on me. Whatever Dumbledore said, the damage had already been done.

"I have no doubts whatsoever about Niamh's loyalty to the Order and your suspicion-mongering is not appreciated. We cannot be divided at times like these."

Benjy averted his eyes. I could feel Sirius shaking with rage next to me.

"Dorcas," Albus said, "I need you to alert Edgar's brother and sister."

"Of course, Albus."

Slowly the crowd in the kitchen dissipated. Lily walked over to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "Don't listen to him, Niamh. He's the only one that thinks you're a double agent."

I gave her a sad smile. "Really, Lily? Then why are you the only ones still standing here?" I nodded at Remus, Peter, Gideon, and Fabian. James was trying to calm Sirius, who was sending incensed glares in the direction of the door Benjy had exited through.

Lily didn't know what to answer to that.

I cleared my throat. "I have to get to work."

Sirius followed me to the front door. "You're upset," he stated.

"Of course I'm upset," I snapped. "It's not everyday I'm accused of being responsible for the murder on three children and their parents."

"Benjy is a bastard. Don't listen to a word he says," Sirius growled. "You've saved his arse twice with your warnings."

"Just let it go, okay? I really don't want to talk about it right now." I turned away, but he grabbed my shoulders and closed his mouth over mine, kissing me thoroughly.

"I love you," he mumbled after he'd come up for air. His eyes narrowed. "And stay the hell out of Rosier's way."

"I will," I promised and stuffed my hair under a large hat. Quickly I walked away from Headquarters and Disapparated as soon as was possible.

At home I discarded the hat and changed coats before I Apparated to work, where I ignored Quinn's meaningful looks when I received a ridiculously beautiful bouquet, with a note from Evan apologizing for his behaviour. I sent the flowers to St Mungo's.

During my lunch break I took a walk through Diagon Alley for some groceries. Everywhere were hushed and frightened whispers about the Bones' murders. I stopped in front of Flourish and Blott's, checking my watch. I still had half an hour left. Indulging in book browsing, I decided, was a good way to take my mind off everything that had happened today.

Running my finger along the packed shelves and scanning the book titles, I gave a content sigh. _Sonnets of a Sorcerer, Magical Theory, Charming Charms, Saucy Tricks for Tricky Sorts…_

I made an interested sound and grabbed the book whose title I'd just read. "_Wizard-in-shining-armour_ by Willow Witty," I mumbled. "Witch lit! Just what I need."

"Did you get my flowers?"

The book dropped to the floor with a thud. I glared at Evan, who was leaning against the side of a bookcase, and picked the book up. After straightening myself to my full height I said icily, "Yes, I have. I'm sure they'll look great on a nightstand in St Mungo's."

He stepped in front of me when I tried to get to the cash desk. "Do not toy with me, Niamh," he warned me in a low voice.

"We've been over and over this. Now kindly get out of my way – I have to get back to work."

I pushed past him, but his arm wrapped itself around my waist, keeping me next to him. He lowered his head to my ear. "How long are you going to play this game?" he whispered. "I'm not a patient man."

"_My_ patience is wearing thin as well," I retorted. Merlin, how I wished I could just hex him into the next world. But I had to be careful. "Now _move_!"

With a pounding heart I stalked away from him the instant he pulled his arm back. I paid quickly and absent-mindedly. When I turned around Evan was gone. I sighed in relief. He really was scaring me. Why wouldn't he just back off? Shaking my head I walked back to work and pushed my ex-fiancé rigorously out of my mind.

To my surprise I found Remus in Sirius's flat when I Apparated there that night. "Hi, what are you doing here?"

"Got kicked out of my own place," he admitted tensely. "I was sacked – again."

I stopped peeling off my gloves. "I'm sorry."

"Thanks. So I'm camping out here for a while," he sighed. "Until I find another job. I hope you don't mind."

I stared indignantly at him. "Of course I don't mind, dimwit. Don't be ridiculous." With a flirtatious smile I took a step closer. "So… er… now that you're here, Remus my love, darling, flower of my heart, eternal object of my undying devotion –"

Remus gave me a dry look. "Don't push it."

"Sorry," I grinned. "But you will be doing the cooking while you're here, won't you?"

He burst out laughing. "I suppose I should protect you both from poisoning yourselves."

"I could do with a bit of healthy food," I confessed, patting my backside. "All those hurried dinners and skipped breakfasts and Diagon Alley lunches are having unwanted side-effects." I had been gaining some weight.

"That's not fair, Niamh," Remus groaned. "If I tell you you're right, you'll hex me. If I don't, you'll call me a liar."

"Dilemma, dilemma," I chuckled. "I'll make you a deal. You won't have to answer if you promise to make dinner."

"I accept!"

I took off my boots and padded into the kitchen. "Where is Sirius anyway?"

"Had to work late," Remus called from the living room. He came after me, waving his wand with all sorts of mysterious charms that had several knives chopping vegetables immediately. "Dorcas is dragging him all over England. She says she's determined to make a responsible Auror out of him."

I snorted with laughter. Sirius was in his second year now, and assisted on Auror missions. The poor bugger had been assigned to Dorcas Meadowes, an absolute hellion when it came to training assistant Aurors.

Of course James, in his third and final year, was under even more pressure. As a Junior Auror he was allowed to handle smaller cases on his one, but still had to come along on more important missions for training. He was lucky if he had time to sleep.

"Can I trust you with the salad?" Remus asked me warily.

I gave him an offended glare. "Yes."

We worked on dinner in silence for a while.

"Ugh," I grunted. "I ran into Evan again. It's like he's following me everywhere."

Remus slowly turned his head to look at me. "He's following you?"

"Well, that's the impression I get. He pops up everywhere, trying to talk me back into his bed," I said heatedly. "Bastard."

"He won't give up?"

"No! And I can't even put a good curse on him, because I'm supposed to be friends with him. Friends only, because his father's company came first. We'd be more if that hadn't stood in our way. Bleedin' hippogriffs, he's convinced that the only reason I hold back is because of Sophie, because that's the only reason I can give him! And he doesn't think that's a valid reason at all!"

"Niamh?"

"What?"

Remus stared at his frying pan, refusing to meet my eyes. "Have you considered giving in to Evan?"

I stared in pure disbelief at him. "Could you repeat that, please?"

He lifted his head and looked me in the eye. "Maybe you should consider giving in to him."

"Are you out of your bloody mind?" I shrieked.

"Look, think about it. The more you fight him off, the more eager he'll get. I bet he loves the thrill of the chase," Remus reasoned. "And you said it yourself, he's following you. How long before he finds out where you Apparate to at night?"

"He doesn't follow me around. I only said it felt like that," was my petty retort.

"Niamh…"

"NO!" I screamed. "You don't know him, Remus, you don't know what he's like. He's dangerous and cruel and vile – I'm not afraid to admit that I'm terrified of him sometimes." I took a shuddering breath. "I will never, _ever_ give in to him. He will never touch me again. I'm already a murderer and a torturer; I will not become a whore too."

Shocked, Remus stared at me with wide amber eyes. "I never implied that --"

I raised a hand to cut him off. "I know you didn't. But that's what it would feel like if I did that. I was forced into a relationship with him once and I continued that for the Order's sake. I've never felt more relieved than the day he broke the engagement. I don't care what happens, but I'll never go back to him."

I stood shaking with emotion before him, realising full well that Remus's suggestion was probably the safest thing to do.

_Never!_

"I'm sorry," Remus said softly. "I had no idea."

A little embarrassed about my outburst, I shrugged. "Yes, well, your Gryffindorness must be rubbing off on me."

"As long as you don't adopt the habit of throwing caution to the wind," he replied, a little sharply.

"I won't."

"Watch your back."

* * *

**A/N: Messr-Paddifoots-love, Ms PadfootVerona, hpandfriendsruletheworld, and Jenni: Thanks very much for your reviews. Evan is a nasty piece of work indeed. Unfortunately we haven't seen the end of him yet.  
Anyways, as always I love to know what you think, so drop me a line!**


	45. When Warned

**When Warned...**

The putrid smell of fear and suspicion had permeated Headquarters. Despite Dumbledore's insistence that we were only as strong as the trust between us, nobody trusted anyone anymore. We weren't absolutely sure there was a traitor. I never heard the Dark Lord mention it, which of course was a sign to Benjy that _I_ was the traitor. Why else hadn't I been brought before Voldemort yet?

"One would think you'd _like_ to have me brought before the Dark Lord, Benjy," I drawled nastily.

"Niamh, enough," Dumbledore sighed. "And you too, Benjy."

"What can you tell us, Niamh?" Dorcas Meadowes asked.

I swallowed the mouthful of coffee I had put in my mouth to prevent myself from sneering at Benjy. "Voldemort is planning a series of giant attacks on villages in the north of Scotland. Bellatrix, Rodolphus, and Rabastan have been sent there. Travers, Lucius, and Evan have been assigned to persuade more Ministry officials to the Dark Lord's cause, because of their _recent successes_." I spat the last two words out bitterly. The gloating reports they gave to the Dark Lord were more than enough to make me sick. "So have Severus, Mulciber, and I."

Sirius cursed under his breath. "What is it with you? If you don't get paired up with Evan bloody Rosier, you skip about the land with _that_ slimy git."

I gave him a stern look. "I'd a hundred times rather be with Severus than with Evan. No matter how much you loathe him, I've known him for years. At least I can be sure that he will watch my back – instead of hump it."

Sirius's face darkened immediately; and soft mumblings could be heard throughout the room. Evan's unrelenting interest in me was the cause for quite some concern. Dumbledore was insistent that I saw Sirius and went to Headquarters as little as possible, in case Evan was following me.

I had thrown a vicious temper tantrum after that, shouting that the day when someone told me not to see my husband had yet to come. I suppose I was a little on edge.

"Keep us informed about any names you hear," Dorcas requested. "We'll do what we can."

"Of course."

"Very well," Dumbledore said. "Remus, Benjy, Emmeline, I want you to head north. See what you can find out. I'll ask Aberforth to keep his ears open for giant rumours as well."

"Yes, Albus," they nodded.

"Good, if that is all? I must return to Hogwarts," Dumbledore said and rose from his chair, followed by the others.

"I have to get to work," I told Sirius, lifting my face to him for a kiss.

"Will you come over tonight?" he asked, before leaning into me and brushing his lips against mine.

"No," I mumbled. "Have to work late. Quinn is forcing me to come to this lecture on PR."

"You know you love it," he chuckled.

"It's just fascinating to see Quinn do his thing. He's like a walking, talking phial of Amortentia. Everyone falls in love with him and does whatever he wants."

"Well, enjoy yourself. Don't forget to send me a message."

"I won't. Tomorrow night?"

"Definitely."

I gave him a wicked smirk. "And perhaps I will tell you what Amortentia smells like to me."

"Ah, very intriguing," he murmured, his grey eyes darkening a little.

I pushed him away from me and got to my feet. "I'll tell you now that it's not wet dog."

Sirius let out his loud bark-like laugh. "Get going, tease."

I grinned and walked out of Headquarters, waving at James and Peter while stuffing my hair under a hat and putting on my heavy auburn cloak. "Good luck, Remus. Be careful," I called out to the werewolf.

Late that afternoon the reason why one should not wear high heels while going on excursion with Quinn Baldric had imprinted itself firmly into my head. When my boss had stopped introducing me to people long enough for me to slip away, I headed to the bathroom and transfigured my high-heeled shoes into a more comfortable pair.

Finally, _finally_, I could go home at midnight. Quinn tried to convince me into pub-crawling, but I told him he needed to have his head checked. "I have to get up at six thirty tomorrow. Besides, you don't need me around. You are perfectly able to seduce that man you've been eyeing all day yourself," I added, quirking an eyebrow at him.

"Touché," Quinn admitted fairly. "Well, goodnight, love."

"Have fun," I winked.

"Don't I always? Mm, especially that time when I…"

"Too much detail, Quinn!" I groaned and hurried off, covering my ears.

I had been home for about five minutes when the doorbell rang. "Damn it, Sirius. I'm dead tired," I muttered and hopped on one leg to the door, trying to undo the strap on my other ankle.

"Didn't I tell you I was – what the hell are you doing here?"

"Tell me what?" Evan frowned.

"Never mind that," I snapped. "I asked you what you were doing here?"

"I came to check if you were all right. You weren't home all night."

"Excuse me?" I huffed. "Are you spying on me?"

"Who did you think I was?"

"What are you talking about?" I demanded, remaining pontifically in the middle of the doorway, determined not to let him in.

_Where's my wand?_ Quietly and stealthily I slipped one hand in the pocket of my robes. I closed my hand around the comforting polished wood.

"You were expecting someone else. Who?" Evan pressed.

"I have no idea what you mean," I insisted stubbornly. "Please leave now, I'm tired." I made to close the door, but he put his foot in between.

"So that's why you refuse me," he said, narrowing his eyes. "You have another man."

"Evan, you're delusional. Now go away."

"Who is it?" he frowned. "Is it that Devon Malfoy?"

"Don't be ridiculous!" I snorted.

"Who then? Gareth Donovan, George Fairfax, Antonin? Or is he married and that's why you won't tell – good God, tell me it's not Lucius."

"Lucius? Are you insane?" I sputtered incredulously.

"WHO IS IT THEN?" he roared suddenly, his face twisting.

I stepped back in shock. Evan took advantage by pushing my door further open and brushing past me into my house.

"I don't recall inviting you in," I said heatedly, following him into my living room. My hand was still clenched around my wand.

_One move and I'll hex you into oblivion_, I vowed silently. _No matter what the consequences are. _

"I don't suppose he's here," Evan sneered, looking about him, "given the way you just called out to the door."

"There is no 'he', Evan," I snapped.

"Where have you been all night?"

"Oh, come off it!" I rolled my eyes. "Not that it's any of your business, but I was out with Quinn. You remember him, my boss? The squeaky clean one, fond of designer robes, about as straight as a Quidditch hoop? You needn't fear about my virtue."

"I don't appreciate being mocked," he hissed, stepping closer to me.

_One more step, you prick… _I glared viciously at him.

Evan's face twitched. I felt it too. The Dark Mark was burning.

"We will continue this later," he said forcefully, before he marched outside and Disapparated.

Swearing and cursing under my breath I dressed myself as a Death Eater and Disapparated too. Still stewing I took my place in the circle, gritting my teeth.

"Something displeases you?" Lucius asked dryly.

"Shut up," I growled and sent a fierce look at Evan who had just appeared.

"Let's hope they did it right this time," Severus mumbled as he walked past us. "I, for one, am not looking forward to dealing with another failure."

"Did what right?" I mumbled back.

"Honestly, Niamh," Severus sighed. "Focus, please. The Prewetts? It's about time they were taken care of, by the way. Traitors."

I forgot to breathe. "Fabian and Gideon?" I choked.

"The Aurors, yes," Severus said impatiently.

_Stop asking, stop asking! _

"Ah, right," I murmured weakly.

"Something wrong?" Lucius asked.

"No, I just have a lot on my mind lately," I excused myself, taking the opportunity to shoot another set of glowering looks at Evan.

My heart pounded in my chest. There was no way I could get away to warn somebody of the Order – and by the sound of it, it would be too late anyway. The attack had already taken place. Why hadn't I known? What the hell was going on?

I was cut off when the Dark Lord swept into the circle, pacing to and fro impatiently, waiting for news.

Four loud cracks almost made me jump up.

"Tell me," the Dark Lord hissed. "Dolohov!"

"They're dead," Antonin panted. "Both of them. Wilkes is dead too. They got him. Fought like madmen. We had no choice but to leave him. The Ministry had been alerted by then."

"There were many witnesses?" Voldemort enquired, red flashing in his eyes.

"Yes, master," Antonin nodded.

"Excellent work, my friend. You've shown that no one who resists the Dark Lord shall go unpunished."

"Thank you, my lord."

I didn't think I could move. Rooted to the spot I listened to Antonin's elaborate report and Voldemort's high cackling laughter. Gideon had been visiting his brother's house at the time of the attack. They had managed to fight the five Death Eaters off for a while, but were overpowered eventually. Wilkes had suffered the brothers' rage though.

The sight of the Death Eaters and the Dark Lord grew misty. I had to blink back my tears. These were my friends they were gloating about. My friends! Gideon and Fabian with their ridiculous antics; Fabian who you could always count on having a witty remark to brighten things up; Gideon, who had created that lethal flying motorbike with Sirius…

_Stop it!_ I told myself. _Stop it right now!_

While the Dark Lord praised Antonin and the others – no one said a word about Wilkes – I desperately tried to get myself back under control.

"The world will know that this is what happens to blood traitors," the Dark Lord hissed. "To all of them."

* * *

I didn't dare go into Headquarters. Guilt was tearing me up inside. How was it possible I hadn't seen this coming? I should have picked up their names somewhere – I should have pried more – I should have known! Gideon and Fabian… With lead in my shoes I walked up to the front door. I was almost too ashamed to lift my head when I entered the kitchen. 

"Niamh…" a familiar voice said. Sirius stood, his chair scraping the floor.

"I didn't know," I whispered. I looked up at the grave faces in the kitchen. "I didn't know."

"How's that possib – how could you not – didn't you hear…?" Dorcas asked in a strangled voice.

"No one told me. I don't know…" I choked, stiffening when Sirius took me by the arm and led me to his chair. "They – it was Antonin Dolohov. And Wilkes is dead, he said. Is that…?"

"Yes, that's true," Dorcas nodded. "We found his body. Next to…" She cleared her throat.

I could hear someone sobbing in a corner. My own eyes were stinging too. Sirius's hand was a heavy weight on my shoulder. "I didn't know," I whispered again.

I had to make for the loo when I could not uphold my Occlumency walls any longer. Sobbing and retching, I leaned my elbows on the toilet seat, until my body stopped heaving. Sirius had come after me and held my hair from my face, but he did not say anything. He helped me up and walked me back to the kitchen, where I could rinse my mouth.

Shaking slightly I sat down at the table again. I looked around me. Some rested their head in their hands, others leaned against a wall or the kitchen sink, their arms crossed and their faces tense and haggard. I rubbed my hands over my face and locked gaze with Dorcas.

"Dumbledore has gone to tell Molly and their parents," she answered my unspoken question.

And so we waited. I could feel them – wary and distrustful eyes. Sturgis's, Elphias's, Dedalus's. I suppose I was lucky Benjy was still in the north with Emmeline and Remus.

I swallowed a sob. I could really use the my calm friend's presence right now.

Numbness threatened to overtake me. I could still not grasp how I hadn't known about the impending attack on Gideon and Fabian. I had warned them time and again to lay low, that they were a prestigious target, that sooner or later someone would be sent after them. But when it mattered, when it came down to it, I had not paid enough attention. And now they were dead. Murdered. Overpowered.

Dumbledore entered quietly. His eyes swept across the room, taking in the crushed faces. With a swish of his wand a bottle of Old Ogden's flew from a cabinet and poured whisky into glasses. I grabbed the glass that hovered in front of me and took a sip, grimacing when the liquid burned my throat. Next to me Sirius threw his head back and downed his whole glass.

There was silence for a while – a defeated silence. Gideon and Fabian had been the spill of the Order. Brave, funny, hopeful… It was brutal that they were taken from us in such a way.

"Niamh?" Dumbledore asked.

I knew the questions would come, but I wished I could hide. I was so ashamed. "Nobody informed me," I croaked. "It was Antonin, and Wilkes, and probably Nott, Avery, and McNair – they were missing from the circle when I arrived. But I didn't know. The others – they knew – but I somehow missed…" I bit on the inside of my cheek. "I'm so sorry."

"Thank you, Niamh," Dumbledore said. "I think it's best if we all tried to get some sleep, seeing it's half past three in the morning. Alastor is at Auror Headquarters. He says he has everything under control, but perhaps, Dorcas, you could…?"

"Of course, Albus." Dorcas rose from her chair and left.

"Please, everyone, return home. We'll meet tomorrow night."

The kitchen emptied quickly, soft murmuring coming from the Order members.

"Niamh," Dumbledore called. "Was Evan Rosier any trouble?"

"No," I denied, shaking my head. "No trouble."

_Really, as if he doesn't have enough to deal with. Besides, Evan won't be anymore trouble. The next time he so much as looks at me the wrong way, I'll curse him into the next world._

I turned back and leaned against Sirius as he wrapped his arm around me. "Will you be all right?" he mumbled in my hair.

"Yes," I answered stonily. "I'll be fine. I'll see you tomorrow."

After a hurried kiss that landed somewhere near his mouth I took off, Apparating home and tumbling into my bed.

After the next day's meeting Dumbledore spoke to me privately. He warned me to be careful.

"What is going on, sir?" I frowned.

"Certain things don't add up," he explained. "I cannot be sure – these are perhaps just an old man's worries…"

I gave him a sceptical look.

"…but perhaps they are not. As many among the Order, I suspect there is some leak – whether that is here, or at the Ministry, I don't know. However, it means that you will need to practise the utmost caution. Should you feel that you are in any danger of any kind, I want you to come to Headquarters immediately for your own safety."

"A leak?" I repeated. "A traitor?"

"There is that possibility, yes."

"Who?"

"I'm afraid I don't know. I don't even know if I'm correct. There are a few tiny things." He looked at me over the rim of his glasses. "Do you suspect anything? Are you already in danger?"

"No," I answered. "I haven't a clue. And I don't think I'm in danger – nothing has been out of the ordinary lately, so…" I shrugged.

"Very well," Dumbledore said thoughtfully. "It's always possible that I'm mistaken, but, Niamh, at the slightest hint of anything seeming wrong, go to Headquarters. I don't want you taking any risk."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

**A/N: Yay, such great reviews. You guys make my day :D. Yes, Messr-Paddifoots-love: 1981 is_ that_ year. I have to agree with all of you, expecially you, Katy: Evan is the epitome of scariness to me, because he's so good at deceiving and so easily underestimated. Nobody knows what's going on inside his head, but it ain't pretty. **

**So, since this chapter and the next ones lead up to the end, and I'm really not at all sure if they're any good, please let me know what you think of them. I could really use some constructive criticism!**


	46. Interlude: New Year at 12, Grimmauld Pl

**A/N: putting this up just before class. I'll answer the reviews later - wanted to have this posted. Let me know what you think. It's another interlude; hope that it works in the story. Bye!****

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Interlude: New Year at 12, Grimmauld Place

"Who'd have guessed it wasn't Evan who found me out in the end?" Carden mumbled. She fell silent, staring across the room.

Lupin put his hand on her arm. She jumped. "Maybe I should go and get us all a cup of tea," he suggested.

She blinked to regain her composure. "Yes, that's a good idea."

After Lupin left the room, bumping into Fred and George, Carden got to her feet and started pacing near the window. She seemed to be in deep thought, wringing her hands.

"Professor…" Harry began.

Carden looked up. "Call me Niamh, please, when we're not at school."

"Okay. What happened after Professor Dumbledore's warning, Niamh?"

Niamh's head shot up. She tried to speak, but the words seemed to be stuck in her throat. Giving a soft cough, she mumbled, "Let's wait for the tea, shall we? I'm parched from all that talking." She smiled unconvincingly.

Silence filled the room until Lupin returned, floating a tea tray in front of him. He carried a small box under his arm. Lupin let the tea pour itself into the cups and put the box on the table.

"What's that?" Harry asked.

"It's Sirius's," Lupin answered. "Photographs."

A muffled sound came from near the window, making Harry turn his head. Niamh looked shocked.

Lupin cleared his throat. "They're old photographs. I thought you might like to see them," he said to Harry. "I found the box in Sirius's room after his death."

With wooden movements Niamh walked towards the box and sat down on the sofa again, folding her hands in her lap.

Lupin carefully lifted the lid. Harry noticed Niamh was staring at it with wide eyes and flared nostrils, almost fearfully. Perhaps the past was coming a little too close. Lupin glanced briefly at her when he put the lid down next to the box. Niamh didn't move when he pushed the box in her direction.

"I can't," she said, quite calmly for someone who looked to be on the edge of a nervous breakdown. She didn't move her hands.

Harry stretched out his arm and pulled the box towards him. He looked at its contents. There were some folded pieces of parchment that looked to be legal documents, some notes, and many pictures. Slowly he took a few of them out. There was the picture of this parents' wedding he already knew. Now he recognized the brown-haired woman on it. She stood in the right corner of the photograph, her face half-hidden because she kept turning her head from the photographer. Still disguised as Nicole Carmichael.

The next photo was of his father and Sirius, arms around each other's shoulders. They looked younger here. Harry reckoned it was taken at Hogwarts. The boys were making faces at the camera and Sirius had his red and gold striped tie wrapped around his head. Harry chuckled.

The third picture took his breath away. It was a close-up of a young Niamh, with her red hair tumbling wildly about her face. She smiled brilliantly at him, constantly trying to blow a curl from her face.

"Wow," Ron said appreciatively, leaning over Harry's shoulder.

Harry froze when he laid Niamh's portrait on the table. The last picture in his hand was of Sirius and Niamh together. They were holding each other as if they were dancing. Niamh had turned her head towards the photographer and was saying something with a cheeky grin, but Sirius seemed not to care that a picture was being taken. He was looking down at her with a tender smile.

With a slightly shaking hand Harry put the photograph on the table. He noticed Ron had gone silent too. They both realised what they were looking at. Relics of a destroyed life.

Niamh reached out and picked up the last photograph. She closed her eyes when she saw it. "How is it possible he still had this?" she asked with a grating voice.

"I had them," Lupin answered.

Niamh stared uncomprehendingly at him.

"I took them from his house after he was arrested," he explained. "I don't know why. I suppose because I knew the Ministry would search everything and I didn't want this to fall into their hands. With everything that had happened – it just seemed too personal and painful. Maybe, I wanted to preserve something of the past too, as a warning. And I owed it to you, to keep private as much as I could, little as it was."

Niamh stared at the photo in her hand. "I remember this being taken. I've never seen it before though. We were happy here."

"It took Sirius a while to remember," Lupin said gently. "He'd found the box while he stayed with me after the Triwizard Tournament. I gave it back to him when we moved here."

"How much had he forgotten?" Niamh whispered, her eyes still fixed on the scene in the picture.

"Almost everything," Lupin answered softly.

"Except the end," Niamh added bitterly.

"Except the end."

* * *

"Rosier…" Harry muttered a little while later. "Rosier… I've heard that name before." 

"What?" Niamh croaked, her head snapping towards Harry. "Where?"

"I'm thinking…" Harry's voice faltered. "Moody!"

Niamh made a sudden movement with her arm. "What?" she repeated, almost panicky. "What has he told you about Evan?"

"In the Pensieve," Harry clarified, taken aback by Niamh's outburst. "In a memory of Dumbledore's. It was during the trials. Igor Karkaroff told Mr. Crouch Evan Rosier was a Death Eater and Mr. Crouch said Rosier was dead. Moody made the comment that he'd taken a piece of him with him before he died. That's all."

Niamh took a moment to calm herself. "Yes, Alastor tracked him down. Evan refused to come along, so Alastor finished him," she said in a hollow voice. "He's dead. Dead and buried."

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny looked at each other.

Lupin cleared his throat. "Let's see if Molly's made her famous pasties again, shall we?"

"Prof – Niamh?" Ginny asked timidly.

"Yes?"

"What happened?"

Niamh stiffened. Her eyes turned cold and distant as she stared at Ginny for a while. Then she sighed and got out her wand. She waved it across her throat one time. Some of the pale skin turned an angry red colour. Gradually a thick, coiling scar revealed itself. Hermione and Ginny gasped.

Harry stared in horror at the disfigurement on his godmother's neck.

Niamh smiled wryly. "Glamour charm. Works much better than turtlenecks and shawls. Does that answer your question, Ginny? Voldemort is what happened. And after I recovered I left. Well, shall we get some of those pasties?"

She turned around and walked to the door without another word, stopping in surprise when she found Fred and George on the other side. Fred quickly stuffed something in his pocket.

"Hello boys," Niamh nodded and slid past them, heading downstairs. Harry could see her waving her wand across her throat again.

Lupin threw the twins a disapproving look and hurried after her, the box full of photos forgotten.

Fred and George stepped inside. "Interesting story," George commented.

"You could've just come in and listened," Ron said, rolling his eyes. "No need to use the Extendable Ears." He pointed at Fred's bulging pockets.

"But that would ruin half the fun," Fred objected. "So, any ideas on why she's refusing to finish her story?"

"Isn't that obvious?" Hermione snapped. "We all know the crimes the Death Eaters and V--Voldemort commit. I really think you should not ask her about it, Harry. If she wants to tell you, she will. If not – well, I think she has her reasons."

"Did you see that scar?"

"Makes yours look like a beauty spot, Harry."

"Fred! George! Honestly!" Ginny sputtered indignantly.

"What curse do you think did that?" Ron frowned.

They all turned to Hermione, who opened and closed her mouth. "I don't know," she said softly. "I doubt it's in any of the books I've read."

"Let's get downstairs," Ginny suggested.

"Ron," Harry began. "Your uncles – ?"

"Murdered. Five Death Eaters took them down. I don't know anything more," Ron answered.

Harry was prevented from replying by loud voices downstairs.

"Really, Niamh, do you think that's a good idea?" Lupin asked. The voices were coming from the kitchen.

"I need to do some shopping anyway," Niamh replied.

"I can get them for you." That was Mrs Weasley.

"No, thank you, Molly. I'm going myself." Niamh's voice was adamant.

Harry and Ron followed the others into the kitchen. Niamh was putting on her cloak with brusque movements. She glanced up at her students for a moment. The far-off look in her eyes had vanished; Harry saw that the vengeful glint had returned.

"Niamh…" Lupin tried again. "I don't think it's wise for you to go to Diagon Alley right now."

"I need to get out of this house for a moment, Remus!" she snapped. She turned to the door.

"Yes, I can understand that, but you should listen to Severus's warning…"

Niamh spun around, her eyes blazing. "I don't give a damn _Severus_ says!" she snarled. "You want to know where he can shove his warning?"

"Niamh, the children!" Molly gasped.

"I'm sure I'm not telling them anything new about the male anatomy," she replied testily.

Harry heard Ron cough suspiciously next to him and the twins' faces broke into a maniacal grin.

"Fine," Lupin gave in. "But I'm coming with you."

Niamh shrugged. "Whatever you like."

His face tensing, causing the premature aging lines to become more visible, Remus grabbed a cloak and put it around his shoulders. He followed Niamh out of the kitchen, where they tiptoed past Mrs. Black's portrait.

"Well," Mrs. Weasley said agitatedly. "Well, you lot can help me with dinner then."

* * *

Niamh and Lupin returned just before dinner. She flicked her wand to send her packages upstairs to her room and took off her cloak. She had a rather smug look on her face, as if she were very satisfied about something. Lupin, on the other hand, seemed to be simmering with anger. 

"Everything all right?" Harry asked.

"Perfectly fine," his godmother answered briskly.

"You didn't run into any trouble?" Mrs Weasley inquired, frowning at the expression on Niamh's face.

"No trouble at all."

Lupin glared at her and sat down at the table next to Ron. "No trouble indeed. That is, until she stepped into Gringott's and announced her name to the goblin. Loud and clear enough to be heard across the entire hall."

"Niamh!" Mrs Weasley gasped.

Her face split into a cheeky grin. "What an effect two little words have, Niamh Carden. I swear someone fainted behind me."

"You're mad," Lupin sighed.

"Ah, Remus, come on. You have to admit it was funny."

Lupin muttered something unintelligible under his breath and accepted the plate Mrs Weasley had been ladling stew on.

The next morning, not even two minutes after Lupin had seated himself on the same spot as the evening before and had begun reading the Daily Prophet, his face tautened. "Well, now you've done it," he sighed and handed Niamh the newspaper.

She scanned the page for a moment. Suddenly she gave a contemptuous snort. "Good Lord, I should have executed my threat all those years ago."

"This is not funny, Niamh," Lupin said crossly. Harry, Ron, and Hermione glanced at each other. Lupin was more irritated than they had ever seen him.

"What's going on?" Mrs Weasley asked.

"Rita Skeeter," Niamh chuckled. "I quote, "Former socialite Niamh Carden, who disappeared in suspicious circumstances over fifteen years ago, was spotted yesterday in Diagon Alley. Miss Carden was seen in the company of an unidentified, handsome man, while she purchased many items in several shops."

Here Niamh looked up and grinned at Remus, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

"Not funny," he repeated.

"Let's see, what else has she got to say?" Niamh mumbled. "Ah yes, the usual, my brother, my sister – unavailable for comments, what a shocker – and of course a recollection of my social life…" her voice trailed off. She cleared her throat and pushed the paper away. "Well, the usual rubbish."

Harry took the newspaper. "_Miss_ Carden? They don't know you're – were married?"

Niamh shook her head. "No, it was a Muggle ceremony. Nobody in the Ministry knew. And Dumbledore managed to keep it quiet after Sirius was sent to Azkaban. I would have had Aurors on my tail every second of every day as Mrs Black."

"I knew I shouldn't have allowed her to start working for the Prophet again," Hermione said, leaning over to read along with Harry. "Even though she promised not to write about you, Harry."

Harry grumbled in an agreeing manner, but kept on reading. He'd spotted the familiar name almost straight away.

… _to this day yours truly has not been able to solve the mystery of Miss Carden and Evan Rosier. Rosier, killed by Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody not too long after Niamh Carden disappeared, was once engaged to her. My faithful readers will remember the article telling about the attack on Miss Carden, a crime her ex-fiancé was suspected of. The exact details of this tragic story have never been revealed…_

* * *

Later that morning Harry walked upstairs with Ron and Hermione. On the second floor they found Fred and George, both equipped with Extendable Ears. 

"Who are you listening in on?" Ron whispered.

"Lupin and Carden," Fred whispered back.

"What are they on about?"

"About her trip to Diagon Alley again. It's mostly Remus asking Carden since when she's adopted Sirius's recklessness."

"Hand me one," Harry and Ron demanded simultaneously.

Hermione bristled. "You can't eavesdrop on them. It's personal!"

A worked up voice coming from inside the room cut her off. "YOUR NAME IS ALL OVER BRITAIN THANKS TO THE DAILY PROPHET!" That appeared to be Lupin.

George thrust an Extendable Ear into Harry's hand.

"…students telling their parents my name. Skeeter would have found out eventually. Besides, to keep his precious cover intact, Severus announced my return to his master at the beginning of term."

"Voldemort is not Severus's master, Niamh," Remus said quietly.

"So he says. You'll forgive me for having my reserves, won't you? I've seen the things he did. And what he let happen." The last sentence was barely audible, even with the Extendable Ears.

"You _have_ to be more careful."

"Actually, I was planning on visiting my dear sister tomorrow," Niamh announced.

"Damn it, are you trying to get yourself killed?" Lupin growled.

There was a silence.

"Niamh?"

They had to strain their ears to hear her voice.

"No. It's just -- perhaps I'm not as hell bent on staying alive as I used to be. Perhaps it all should have ended years ago."

Another silence. The five students outside the room sat frozen.

"Will you tell Harry about it?" Lupin asked.

"Are you mad? Of course not!" Niamh gasped heatedly.

"He wants to know."

"I'll tell him the Death Eaters had their fun and that Dumbledore dragged my sorry carcass from that place."

"Niamh…"

"What would you have me do, Remus? Evan may be dead – he died a whole lot quicker than I had in store for him, mind you – but what about the others? I can't tell Harry about the rest. He hates Draco already, imagine what would happen if I told him what Lucius did, eh? I cannot bear looking at his son as it is, let alone if my godson knew…" Her voice broke.

Lupin said nothing.

"And Severus is his teacher," Niamh finally concluded.

"Why don't you believe he's reformed?"

"Why do you believe he has?"

"Dumbledore trusts him," Lupin answered simply.

"Well, I don't."

"Neither did Sirius," he replied. "I've always figured there was more than childhood hatred behind that."

Niamh's voice was wary. "What has he told you?"

"Very little. He refused to talk about it. The only times he said something were the times he was trying to drink himself into a stupor." He paused. "From what I heard then, I decided not to ask about it."

Hermione shot a pointed look at the four boys. Fred placed a finger on his lips.

"So what _do_ you know?" Niamh asked.

"Your… injuries, they were easy to deduct from. The Healers told me more."

Niamh gave a short, bitter laugh.

"Why did you go, Niamh, that night?"

"Why? No reason at all." She gave another bitter laugh. "It's very simple. I made the wrong choice."


	47. Tearing at the Seams

**A/N: So many questions indeed, Messr-Paddifoots-love & SexeiAlexeiGurl, but I'm not answering one of them ;). I wonder how you thought the story ended, SexeiAlexeiGurl, but I suppose we won't find out - unless you have the same dream, of course. My plot bunny has connections to the secret police, so maybe she has pulled some strings to get your dream erased. You never know ;)**

**I hope you all like this chapter!

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Tearing at the Seams

The week following Fabian and Gideon's death I was insanely busy at work, which helped to take my mind off the twins. Deirdre had finally returned from Italy, so I went to visit her and Orion in the weekend. I believed my mother – who was there as well – had somewhat given up on marrying me off to a suitable party. She now settled for sending me wistful and disappointed looks, which irked me even more.

"You're really happy, aren't you?" I smiled as I said goodbye to my sister at the door.

She beamed widely. "Of course I am. Orion is perfect. I think I'm in love with him."

Suddenly I flung my arms around her. She chuckled a bit surprised, but hugged me back. "That's good," I said, and grabbed her arms so I could look her in the eye. "That's really good."

"Are you all right?" she asked curiously.

"I'm fine," I smiled. "I'm just glad you're happy."

"Do you want to go out to dinner next week?" Deirdre asked. "Just us sisters?"

"Sure," I answered. "Friday?"

"Yeah. I'll come by your place at seven. We can go to Diagon Alley."

"Sounds great."

"Okay, I'll see you next week," she said.

I kissed her cheek and walked to the door. With my hand on the doorknob I turned around, feeling a strange urge to say something. "Deirdre, I – you're still my little sister, even though you're a married witch now. I know that Rowan and I have put you through a lot, with this war going on –"

"Niamh," my sister interrupted me. "I know you're just doing what you think is right. And so did Rowan." She cast her eyes down when she mentioned our brother. We did not speak often about him.

"Yeah," I mumbled softly. "Yeah, I am." My heart clenched painfully. What would she think of me if she knew? Would she blame me for Rowan's death?

"That doesn't change the fact that it must be hard on you," I continued. "With Father and Mother also – you're my sister and I love you. You know that, don't you?"

"Of course I know that," Deirdre said bewildered. "What is going on?" Her blue eyes narrowed shrewdly. "Are you sure you're all right?"

"Yeah," I nodded, "I am. Never mind me." I waved my earlier words away with my hand and a naughty grin. "I must be getting old."

Deirdre snorted. "You must be getting crazy, you mean. It's a good thing you didn't marry Evan. All this inbreeding is having its effects, methinks."

I snorted back at her. "Excuse me? Evan is only – what is he of me?" I counted back quickly. "Grandfather Oisín's grandmother was a Rosier, sister of Evan's great-grandfather, whereas our dear grandmother Cassiopeia was a first cousin of Orion's grandfather – what's his name?"

"Aquila."

"Right, that's the one. Which makes you and Orion closer related than Evan and me. He's my fourth cousin once removed, and Orion is your third cousin," I finished triumphantly. "So, if anyone should be concerned about inbreeding effects, it's you."

"That's only generation closer!"

"But it's still closer!"

"You could marry a Malfoy and beat me to it," Deirdre suggested. "Devon is your second cousin."

"Ah, Great-aunt Étáin," I sighed. "My role-model. Murdered her first husband –"

"Supposedly!"

" – and came to England in pursuit of the next. Fortunately Julius Malfoy was even more cunning than her and locked her in her rooms for the rest of her life, before she had the chance to dispose of him as well."

"I wonder how he got her pregnant," Deirdre pondered, tapping her finger against her lips.

I grinned from ear to ear. "There are so many ways in which I could respond to that; I can't even choose."

"Oh, shut your gob," she grumbled. "I only meant that he never let her out and never visited her."

"Apparently he did," I said cheekily. "Twice."

"Ugh, it is just disturbing to think about that," she shuddered.

"One big, happy family history," I chortled.

"Especially Great-grandfather Diarmuid."

"What?" I frowned. "He was happily married, wasn't he?"

"Oh, sure. Except that he's the reason our family never visit the Highlands. You never heard that story?"

"You mean…"

"He stole his bride from her family! And the MacGreary clan is not known for their forgiving nature!"

"I always thought it was a romantic story," I admitted.

"I bet poor Isobel thought the same," Deirdre snorted. "She had to patch up her husband – including re-growing several limbs – before she could actually get married."

"We could write a book on our family," I agreed.

"What are you two girls laughing about?" my mother asked, strolling into the hall.

"Our romantic family history," Deirdre answered dryly. We burst out laughing.

My mother looked slightly confused, but decided not to ask further. "When will you come and visit your father, Niamh?" she inquired instead.

"Er… how about I come over for an old-fashioned Sunday's dinner tomorrow?" I offered.

"That'll be nice – he couldn't come with me today. He had to take care of some business," she explained vaguely. As usual she had no idea what her husband was up to.

"That's a shame, but I'll see him tomorrow then," I said. "Goodbye, Mother, Deirdre."

I put on the hood of my cloak and wrapped the tightly woven fabric firmly around me, before I stepped out into the harsh winter wind.

* * *

"Can't you two talk about something else?" my mother sighed, throwing her napkin on the table. 

"Forgive us, Astarte," my father apologized. "We are being very inconsiderate."

My father and I had been discussing the Dark Lord's plans and the situation in society. I had become somewhat of a substitution for a son to my father, I believed. Our conversations were those of two equals instead of a father and daughter.

It left me feeling very strange. On the one hand it felt good to have my father respect me, instead of seeing me as a delicate flower that only talked about fashion, rumours, and parties – I glanced at my mother. But on the other hand, he respected me as something I was not. He respected a lie. Though I did not like to think about it, he would never respect who I really was. If I told him the truth he would at the very least disown me without giving it a second thought. He would probably do a whole lot worse.

I coughed and shifted on my chair. "So, Mother, how is the rest of the family?" I asked as a peace-offering.

"Well, Fionn and Aubrey are visiting their daughter in Ireland, but they're not coming back to England after that. They've closed their house in Kent."

"Really, why?" I mumbled, jabbing at my vegetables with my fork.

"My dear," my mother chuckled. "Aubrey wants to be with her daughter now she's pregnant, of course."

"Aoife is pregnant?" I sputtered. "Salazar's balls –"

"Niamh! Language!" my mother exclaimed appalled.

"Sorry, Mother," I mumbled. I gave her a sharp look. "She never mentioned wanting children."

"Well, I suppose Connor must have changed her mind," my mother shrugged.

"I'm sure he has," I muttered.

"What was that, dear?"

"I said I'm sure she's happy."

Dinner was considerably less pleasant the rest of the evening. I had no way of getting into contact with Aoife and I had no clue whether she was happy or not. My mother – delighted that she had my father's attention – chattered non-stop. She never noticed I was staring glumly at my plate.

I excused myself after dessert, saying I had an early start tomorrow.

"Don't be too long," my mother insisted.

"I won't," I promised. "Bye, Father."

"Goodnight, Niamh."

I Apparated to Sirius's flat, hidden away in my cloak. I chuckled when he opened the door with a wary look and his wand in his hand, his hair dishevelled, his shirt hanging out of his trousers, and sleep crinkles in his face.

"Boo," I grinned. "Did I wake you?"

"Yes," he grumbled, casting an angry glare at me through black strands of hair.

"Well, I'll go then," I shrugged and turned around.

"I think not," he growled and grabbed my arm to pull me inside. He planted me against the wall and tucked his wand in his back pocket after he had shut and warded the door. "Now then, Mrs Black," he said thoughtfully. "I think I deserve something to ease the discomfort of you waking me up so inconsiderately."

I raised a haughty eyebrow. "I'll make you some warm milk."

"That won't be enough, I'm afraid," he drawled, letting his eyes rake shamelessly over my body. "I need far more compensation."

"Do you, now?"

"Definitely. What say you?"

"I am abhorred by your manners. You haven't even offered me a drink."

"You can drink something afterwards."

"Tsk, your powers of persuasion need improving. I am not at all impressed."

He narrowed his eyes, clearly contemplating whether he should continue this discussion. "Bed, witch. Now!" Apparently not.

I shrieked with laughter when he cupped my backside and lifted me off the ground. Wrapping my legs around his hips I kissed him deeply as he made his way to the bedroom.

Several glorious moments later I was tucked against his warm body while his fingers played with my rings on the chain between my breasts. I glanced upwards and rolled my eyes at the exasperatingly smug expression on his face. With an almighty groan he reached down and pulled the blankets over our bodies. "I'm exhausted," he informed me.

"I bet you are," I snorted.

I felt a chuckle rumble in his chest as he pulled me closer. We lay in silence for a while. I listened to his deep and even breathing, enjoying the steady rise and fall of his chest. I closed my eyes, almost willing his warmth to seep into me. I held on a little tighter.

Sirius nuzzled his face in my hair. "You smell nice," he cajoled, one large hand slowly travelling south again.

"I thought you were exhausted?"

"Doesn't mean I can't… eh?"

"Again? Don't you get enough or -- oh! Sirius!" I gasped.

"That's all this wizard wanted to hear," he grinned and rolled on top of me.

* * *

"Do you think there's a spy?" I asked him some time later. 

Sirius shifted his body so he could look at me. "I'm confused here. How did we get from a great shag to spy questions?" He blinked owlishly at me.

I punched him good-humouredly in the ribs. "Stop goofing around. I'm just wondering if you think –"

"Of course I have thought about it," he frowned. "Why do you ask?"

"Something Dumbledore said," I explained. "He thinks there may be a leak somewhere in the Ministry or the Order. He warned me to be extremely careful."

Sirius's face tensed. "He's damn right, he is. I want you to be careful too. If you feel something is off, I want you to come to me straight away. You're not taking any chances, do you hear me?"

"I hear you," I assured him. "But you don't have to worry. I don't think anything is wrong. Yet."

"That's not good enough. Promise me." He took my chin in his hand, his eyes boring into mine. "Promise me that you won't take any risks."

"I promise. I'll be careful."

"You'd better."

I smiled at his serious face. "So protective," I teased.

"Of course I am. As much as I can at least," he grumbled. "Has Rosier been giving you any trouble again?"

"No, not much," I shook my head.

"I should ask Dorcas if we've got enough on him to arrest him," Sirius said. "You'll be safe from him then."

"Wouldn't Aurors have arrested him already if they did?" I asked sullen.

He shrugged. "Maybe we can pull some strings."

"It could work." I looked up hopefully at Sirius's face. "I'd really feel much safer if he wasn't around. Evan – he's – I'm afraid, Sirius."

He swore under his breath, tucking a curl behind my ear. "I wish I could do more to keep him away from you."

I shook my head. "Don't. It'll make people suspicious. And Evan is already convinced there is another man in my life. If he gets so much as a whiff of confirmation, he'll stop at nothing."

Sirius heaved a deep sigh. "You know, if it makes you feel better, we could stop seeing each other for a while."

Incredulously I propped myself on one elbow, tossing my hair over my shoulder. "How exactly would that make me feel better?" I snapped.

"Not better, but safer," Sirius said quickly. "I don't like it either, but if it helps…"

"That doesn't help!"

"All right; I'm sorry."

I let myself drop back on the bed. "I didn't mean to snap at you," I apologized. "But you're the only thing that's keeping me sane here. I need you."

Sirius leaned into me and placed a lingering kiss on my lips. I snaked my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. "Hold me for a moment," I whispered.

"Don't worry," he whispered back. "I won't let you go."

* * *

The time I spent with Sirius was too short for my liking. As usual. Sirius had to get up at 6 o'clock. Dorcas had ordered him to be at Auror Headquarters at 6.30. I groaned and turned around in the bed, burying my face in my pillow. "Come on, get up, lazy witch," Sirius chuckled. "You have a job to go to." 

With a cranky growl I swatted at his hands that eagerly pinched my bottom. "Cheeriness in the morning is punishable by law, isn't it?" I asked the pillow.

"It's not." It was not my pillow who answered, but the annoying black-haired wizard next to the bed. "Up you get; you don't want to be late."

"Yes, I do," I answered stubbornly.

"_Aguamenti_."

I let out a piercing screech when cold water hit me in the head. I flew up straight and spluttered indignantly, wiping my soaked hair from my eyes. "You – you – you idiot!"

"Honestly, is that the best you can do?"

"Bloody bastard!"

"Good morning to you too, love," he grinned.

"I hate you!"

"No, you don't," Sirius asserted, running a confident hand through his locks. "You love me."

"You're a bumptious ass, that's what you are."

"And you adore me for it," he replied cheekily.

"I should just – " I grumbled.

"Come on, give me a kiss so I can get to work. You don't want me to get dismembered by Dorcas, do you?" He wiggled his eyebrows at me.

"Don't tempt me," I threatened, but he had softened me already. Sirius noticed it immediately and grinned.

"Stop being so full of yourself," I snorted, but I sat up on my knees and held out my arms.

He slid his hands in my hair, bowing down to claim my lips. I sighed and grabbed his shoulders, while he took the opportunity to ravish my mouth with enthusiasm. When he pulled back, I giggled and rubbed my hands over my blushing face.

"Well," he said, almost purring. "Good morning indeed." He ran his tongue over his bottom lip with a dark look in his eyes. I cleared my throat.

He smirked. "I'll see you tonight?"

"Yes," I nodded. "Come by my flat. Make sure you go as your animal form," I pressed him.

"Just meet me here," Sirius frowned.

"No, I have to be home sometimes. Otherwise – "

"Otherwise Rosier will get suspicious," he deducted.

"Yeah."

"Right, I should be off around seven," Sirius said.

"I'll be home by then, I think, but I'll send you a message."

"Okay, I'll see you tonight."

I smiled. "Bye."

After a quick kiss he walked out of the bedroom.

"Sirius?"

He turned around. "Hmm?"

"I love you."

"I know," he winked. Seeing my glowering look, he burst out laughing. "I love you too, you daft girl. Now get out of bed!"

"Yeah, yeah," I muttered. "Go on then, you don't want to be late either."

A horrified look crossed his face for a fleeting moment, before he dashed through the door. I heard the front door slam shut and chuckled maliciously. _Get him, Dorcas._

* * *

Work was normal that day. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I didn't run into Evan; I didn't see any strange signs. No indication of disaster rushing closer. I left work fairly early, waving goodbye at Quinn, before I Apparated home. I took a warm shower and dressed in a comfortable sweater and jeans before I started on making some dinner. 

I sent my Patronus to Sirius to tell him I was already home, while I was chopping up vegetables.

At half past seven he hadn't responded yet. This was strange – he always managed to send me a message somehow. A nagging worry began to creep into my head. Why didn't he answer? I paced around my living room waiting for an answer. When I glanced at the clock again it was a quarter to nine.

He could've been held up at the office. Maybe something had happened and he had to work late. He could've forgotten to send me a message. Or he could be too busy. I sent my Patronus away again, to Lily this time, asking whether she had heard from Sirius. Twenty minutes later it returned. Lily hadn't heard from Sirius, though she knew James was still at work.

"Bugger," I muttered. I marched into the kitchen, flicking my wand at the hob to turn it off. I positioned myself on my sofa to wait for Sirius, trying to ignore the unsettling feeling in my stomach.

I had not been waiting five minutes, when –

"Oh Merlin, no," I moaned. "Not now." Pain flared up in my left forearm; I could feel the Mark blackening on my skin. For a moment I was torn up in doubt. If I went now, I wouldn't know if something was wrong with Sirius; if I didn't go, some Death Eater would come and inquire if something was amiss.

I jumped up from the sofa and began to pace around again. "Damn it, damn it," I mumbled. I stood still in the middle of the room, chewing on my lip.

"_If you feel anything is off, I want you to come to me straight away." _Sirius's voice spoke loud and clear in my head, mixing with Dumbledore's. _"At the slightest hint of anything seeming wrong, go to Headquarters. I don't want you taking any risks."_

"Oh, please," I snorted contemptuously. "Now's not the time to overreact. If you don't go, something _really_ will be wrong."

I summoned my cloak and mask.

* * *

For years I wondered why I did not notice something was wrong immediately. Why I ignored the strange excitement vibrating between the black-clad figures. Why I took my place in the circle and did not run. Two people were missing from the circle. Evan and Severus. 

"Friends!" the Dark Lord exalted. "A joyous evening it is." His black robes billowed around him when he whirled around to look at us all. I bowed deeply.

"Tonight," he continued, "we'll get rid of sullied blood. Traitorous blood."

My own traitorous blood drained from my face. A horrifying suspicion made my skin crawl and my hair stand on end.

The Dark Lord beckoned at something outside the circle. Two Death Eaters dragged something along in between them.

_Really, there's no need to panic_, my mind tried to reason with me. _You've seen this before. This is no different. _But I recognized the posture of the man, though his head was covered with a sack and though he was pushed onto his knees.

"No," I breathed, staring almost enthralled with detached horror at the figure in the circle. I did not notice Lucius turning his head to me in response to my utterance.

The Death Eater I recognized as Severus pulled the sack from his captive's head. My eyes fell shut, knowing that everything was lost. They hadn't closed fast enough for me to miss long, black hair and grey eyes full of hatred. I had seen the bloodstained gag and the torn corner of his mouth.

"Finally," the Dark Lord hissed. "Sirius Black."


	48. Falling Apart

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, Domlando Blonaghan, SexeiAlexeiGurl, Kurama-forever, Jennie, Messr-Paddifoots-love, and three new reviewers (yay!) Nice Huntress, Coryna, and Kendra-the hyper one! And sorry for the long wait! (Exams)**

**Anyways, I think a big warning is in order here: this chapter is rated R for language and violence of various natures. If you feel you might be offended, please skip... well, basically everything but the beginning and the end. If you _have_ read it, let me know what you think, because it has been an awful chapter to write and it took me ages ( also because it's so beeping long!)

* * *

**

Falling Apart

I wish I could say I did something heroic. That I leaped forward to defend him from the Dark Lord, that I hexed everything and everyone into oblivion, that I fought myself to death to protect him. But I didn't. I should have; it would have saved me from a lot. Instead I remained frozen as a statue. _This is not happening. This is _not _happening._

Sirius glared furiously at Voldemort. His white teeth flashed when he curled his lip up in disdain.

"Welcome," the Dark Lord said, almost pleasantly. "I've been wanting you here for quite some time now. So good of you to finally join me and my friends."

A muffled sound came from behind the gag. I had no doubt that whatever he was trying to say was foul. Voldemort flicked his wand and the gag disappeared. Sirius licked the torn corner of his mouth for a moment. I groaned when suddenly every part of his being turned defiant.

_Don't, Sirius, please, please don't_, I begged silently.

"Go to hell, you ugly bastard," he growled, spitting in front of Voldemort's feet.

I closed my eyes again, cringing at the angry hisses coming from my fellow Death Eaters. After a moment I opened them. Voldemort's gaze was terrifying. The red behind his pupils was swirling and sparkling. In an instant he had raised his wand and Sirius keeled over backwards, writhing on the floor, groaning and panting, but refusing to cry out. His face was twisted into agony.

I started forward, but caught myself just in time. I heard the loud, raucous laughter coming from somewhere on my right. _Bellatrix._

I clenched my fists, biting on my tongue to stop me from crying out in rage and hurt. When Voldemort finally stopped an audible whimper escaped me. Lucius turned his head again. This time I noticed. I stood up straight, staring right in front of me as if nothing had happened. Lucius took a breath to say something, but fortunately his attention was caught by the Dark Lord, whose breathing had quickened as he looked at Sirius lying on the ground.

"How was that, Black?" he hissed.

Sirius sneered, pushing himself to his knees. "Is that the best you can do?"

_SHUT UP! SHUT UP!_

What in Merlin's name was he doing? Stubborn idiot! Had he any idea what he was bringing on himself with comments like that?

My blood ran cold when I realised he did. Sirius knew exactly what he doing. He knew he had no chance of escape. But no Gryffindor goes down without a fight. I could feel my eyes fill with tears. _Not yet_, I pleaded, not caring to whom – just someone who would listen. _Not yet, not now. Please, not yet. _I bit down on my lip when it began to tremble.

Sirius's body convulsed again, falling back to the ground. Alarmed I looked around. It was now Evan who was performing the Cruciatus Curse. Roaring with laughter he yanked his wand up, breaking the spell. Sirius's shoulders trembled when he pushed himself off the ground once more, still as audacious as ever.

"Who wants to have a go next?" Voldemort called out. Several Death Eaters stepped forward immediately. He cackled. "Such enthusiasm. See how popular you are here, Black?"

Sirius only scoffed. "You're all pathetic," he shrugged. "What do I care?"

The Dark Lord ignored him. "Let's see. Who next? Amycus? Antonin? Rodolphus? Or Bella, you? No." He swept past several Death Eaters, almost buoyant. "Ah!" He strode purposefully towards my side of the circle. My heart stopped when he stood still right in front of me. "How about you, my dear Niamh? Is he not an old schoolmate of yours? Wouldn't you like to get re-acquainted?"

I was going to throw up – I was sure of it. I couldn't move, though I had the presence of mind not to look Voldemort in the eye to prevent Legilimency. I held my head bent in fake submission. After all these years I was finally out of my depth. I had no idea what to do.

"Niamh!" Lucius hissed.

I became aware of the fact that the Dark Lord was eyeing me intently.

"What the hell are you waiting for?" a ragged voice said behind him. My eyes shot towards Sirius, who stared intensely at me, as if he were trying to see through the mask. His jaw was clenched and he held himself motionless, even though I knew his muscles were twitching from the after-effects of the curses. "Come on then, do it!" he snarled.

Voldemort stepped aside, that particular gleam still in his eyes. My hand slid in my pocket and I got out my wand. I staggered stiffly into the circle.

Sirius sat back on his heels, gazing up at me. Every fibre of him screamed insolence and rebelliousness, but the grey of his eyes was pleading when he repeated, "Do it."

Something flashed in front of my eyes.

_I gritted my teeth. "Don't you have something better to do than annoy me? There must be loads of people more interested in talking to you than I am."_

"_No doubt, but you are intriguing, Niamh. Seems to me you've changed from a stuck-up bitch into – well, I don't know, something else. I would like to know more about you." _

"_Thank you, what a nice thing to say," I said, sarcasm dripping from every single word. _

"_Don't be sarcastic, it was a compliment. When I say you've changed, I mean you don't seem to take much pleasure and pride in being a pure-blood Slytherin from an ancient family anymore."_

I groaned softly, raising my wand with a trembling hand.

"_Don't tell me this was a mistake. You liked it as much as I did." His voice became louder and his eyes were so dark they almost seemed black._

"_You don't understand, Black. We have to stop this. It's just not possible."_

"_Actually, I do understand. But _you_ need to understand, Niamh," he said through gritted teeth while pinning me to the wall again, "that I don't give up." _

"Don't weasel your way out, Carden," Sirius growled. "Do it!"

"_You won't admit it, but you want me. I've had enough of it. Now say it."_

I felt like I was suffocating. My other hand came up to my face, removing my mask. Sirius frowned briefly, his eyes gliding over my face, before he put his derisive expression back in place. "What are you waiting for?"

"_You can stop giving that girl over there those death glares now. I'm not interested in her."_

"_I wasn't doing that," I said blushing._

"_Are you sure? Because she looks like she's about to cry."_

"I said what the hell are you waiting for?" he shouted. There was a spark of anxiousness in his eyes now. He was willing to sacrifice himself for me.

_Sirius's jaw dropped. "You can't be serious. How can you say that? It is more. Jesus, Niamh, when you sent me that note I thought you wanted to talk about after graduation. What we're going to do. I want you with me!" he shouted, running his hands through his hair._

He expected me to do it. To torture him and Merlin knew what else. My wand arm trembled when I pointed it at his face.

_His hands moved to my shoulders, gripping them painfully tight. "The thought of him with his hands on you –" Sirius's eyes darkened again. "You're mine," he growled suddenly, "mine alone. You belong to me." His grip tightened even more. "Just as much as I belong to you."_

_I closed my eyes._

"_Come away with me. You're not your brother or your father. You can't blame yourself for what they do. Don't do that to yourself. It'll drive you mad and believe me, I know. Come with me," he said urgently. "For once, just trust me and come with me."_

"Do it," he hissed. "Come on, Carden, stop stalling. You know you want to." I knew he wanted me to.

"_Sirius…" I said. He opened his eyes again. "I love you. Let me love all of you."_

I looked him straight in the eye. He smiled. "It's okay; do it."

"_You are mine, I am yours. The magic of the earth bind us, our love keep us. I give my strength and my life, my heart and my body, for you to have and to hold, to protect and to cherish. You are mine, I am yours, we are one. Thereto I pledge you my faith and my love, in this life, in this time, in this body, for as long as we both shall live."_

My wand arm dropped, dangling limply at my side. Sirius turned his head away, a painfully contorted expression on it. "Stupid girl," he whispered.

"What the hell is going on here?" Antonin Dolohov shouted.

"Well, if she won't do it, I will," Lucius snarled and hurried forward.

I whirled towards him and aimed. With a loud gust of air he flew backwards out of the circle, landing in a heap of robes and limbs. I turned back to the Dark Lord, clenching my jaw tightly together and sticking my chin high in the air, breathing shakily through my nose.

Evan tore off his mask, staring in disbelief at me. "You! It's you!" His face twisted in disgust. "With _him_?"

I said nothing, but crossed what little distance there was between Sirius and me and knelt down in front of him. "I can't. I'm sorry," I said shakily," but I couldn't do it." I wiped furiously at my eyes. "I could never – you sh – shouldn't have even tried. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Sirius soothed, but his voice held a disheartening note. He gently caressed my cheek.

"I love you," I said urgently, leaning into his hand and kissing his palm.

"Shh, I know. I love you too."

"Filthy blood traitor!" Severus hissed, incredulity and loathing fighting for control in his face. Like Evan, he had thrown away his mask as if he couldn't grasp what was going on if he stayed behind it.

"You whored yourself out to this – this louse?" Evan roared. "This disgrace?"

"The only disgrace here is you, Evan!" I screamed. "You're a disgusting pile of shit!"

"I'll kill you!" he bellowed, whipping out his wand.

"Evan, enough!" Voldemort snapped. "We'll deal with them later. _Expelliarmus!"_

My wand flew out of my hand, straight into the Dark Lord's grasp.

"Evan, Lucius, Severus, you stay here and guard them. Take them to the old Queshire Manor and lock them up – separately."

I swallowed. Voldemort left us with the three men who took this betrayal even more personally than the others.

"The rest of you will join me. I have some unfinished business to attend to." He turned his snakelike eyes to us. "With Dorcas Meadowes."

I exchanged a shocked look with Sirius.

Severus and Evan stalked over to us and grabbed my arms, hauling me to my feet. I struggled to get free, but two wands prodding in my ribs made me change my mind. Lucius yanked Sirius up. He snarled and planted his elbow in Lucius's stomach, who doubled over in pain.

"_Impedimenta!_" Severus hissed. Sirius toppled over backwards. Angrily he got up again after the spell faded, but stilled when he found Lucius's wand in his face.

"Think again, Black," Lucius sneered. "Get up."

His eyes spilling hatred Sirius straightened himself to his full height, a good two inches taller than Lucius, and stared him provocatively in the face. I couldn't fight the tiny smile that appeared on my face. He really was incorrigible.

"Move," Lucius ordered.

"Oh – and Evan?" the Dark Lord interjected.

"Yes, Master?"

"Make sure she's alive when I return."

Something tightened in Evan's face. "Yes, my lord." There was reluctance in his voice. I swallowed again.

"Good. As for you," he told the other Death Eaters. "You know where to Apparate to."

With loud cracks the black shapes around us disappeared, leaving a horrible silence. I cried out in shock when an arm locked itself around my throat and another around my waist, pulling me flush against a hard body. "Severus, you go ahead and see if everything's clear. I'll hold her," Evan panted in my neck.

"Get your hands off her!" Sirius barked, jumping forward, only to be restrained by Lucius's wand.

"Be nice, Black," he hissed. "Come with us quietly, and she won't be hurt. Make any trouble, however…" He pointed his wand at me with a questioning eyebrow. "What do you say?"

A tiny muscle twitched in Sirius's jaw and his eyes were shooting fire. He was ready to explode.

"It's fine, Sirius," I said quickly.

"At least one of you has some sense," Severus scoffed.

"Fuck off, _Snivellus_," Sirius hissed.

Lucius rolled his eyes and grabbed Sirius's arm. "Hold on. I'm warning y – "

I couldn't hear the rest, because Evan Disapparated with me. We landed in front of a deserted, derelict manor. It was a gloomy place, walls sagged, the crumbling stones overgrown with weeds. No one had lived here for decades. It was one of the hiding places of the Death Eaters, chosen for their incredible remoteness. Nobody would ever find us here. My heart tumbled straight into my shoes.

Two more cracks to our left indicated that the others had arrived too.

"Inside," Severus said and walked up to the front door, un-warding it.

Sirius was pushed inside before me. He twisted in Lucius's grasp. "Don't worry, Niamh. We'll be all right." He smiled encouragingly at me.

I nodded frantically, needing to believe him.

Evan laughed coldly. "Keep dreaming, traitor," he drawled.

* * *

Evan shoved me into the room so roughly I stumbled into a table. A cruel smirk adorned his face when I turned around and looked at him. "I'll be back in a moment," he sneered and closed the door. 

My breath caught in my throat. I leaned on the table for support with one hand, clasping the other in front of my mouth to prevent me from screaming. I was nauseous. I exhaled long and carefully in an attempt to control myself, pinching the bridge of my nose between two fingers, but my effort was futile. My insides squirmed in fear and my heart beat desperately fast.

"It'll be okay," I whispered to the empty room.

_Who the hell are you kidding? You're going to die. _"No," I moaned, tears obscuring my vision.

I startled when I hear a loud shout from outside. I recognized Sirius's enraged roar. It made me come out of my stupor and run to the window. No Gryffindor bravery for me – I would not carry my fate with grace and courage.

My hands slid quickly over the window, searching for a handle. I gave a cry of frustration when it was locked. "Damnit," I breathed, examining the other windows. "Damnitdamnitdamnitdamnit." Locked, all of them.

I raced to the tapestries on the right wall to look for hidden doors. None. "Come on," I moaned. Wildly I looked around me. Panic now really took over and I had trouble thinking straight.

_The door. _In an instant I was there, fumbling with the handle. "Please, please." But the door too was firmly locked.

With new resolve I pressed lips tightly together and let my fingers slide over every inch of wall in the room. There had to be a way out. Old mansions always had secret passages. They always had. This one too. It had to have one. It just had to. I spurred myself to work faster. Evan's promise to come back caused me to gag. I refused to think about what he had in mind. My hands trembled and my fingertips scraped against the stones, tearing nails and drawing blood.

About halfway through the room I had still found nothing. A key turned in the lock, followed by the murmur of several spells. Wild-eyed I turned around, my back against the wall. The door opened. My head shot from left to right until my eyes rested on a heavy, silver candlestick. I grasped it firmly into my left hand.

Evan stepped inside. His eyebrow rose in surprise at the sight of the candlestick. I squared my jaw and stared defiantly at him. Maybe Sirius's hero complex had rubbed off on me after all.

Lucius entered after Evan and walked to an old, decrepit fauteuil. Slowly he lowered himself in it, keeping his eyes on me. The look in his eyes unnerved me. He leaned relaxed against the back of the chair, as if he were waiting for a show. He probably was, I realised.

My eyes flicked to the door, which he had left open, but my brief hope was squashed into nothingness when Severus walked in and closed it, leaning against the solid wood with folded arms. I was cornered. The candlestick felt slippery in my sweaty palm.

"What have you done with Sirius?" I asked authoritatively.

"You have other things to worry about right now," Evan smirked.

I looked away from him, too scared to endure the glint in his eyes. My teeth chattered.

"Really, Niamh," Lucius chuckled. "Of all people, Sirius Black? How very vulgar of you."

Severus's eyes were filled with hatred as he stared at me. "That blood traitor," he hissed venomously.

I didn't reply, but clenched my fist more tightly around the candlestick. Evan was still eyeing me with a disturbing eagerness.

"Where is Sirius?" I asked again.

"For Salazar's sake…" I heard Severus mutter. He rolled his eyes.

"He's just in another room," Evan drawled. "Your traitorous lover won't be nearly as much fun as you."

"He's not my lover," I snarled. "He's my husband."

Clearly that was the wrong thing to say. Lucius let out a disbelieving gasp and Evan's eyes darkened in fury. "You disgusting bitch."

Something reckless clouded my mind. I let out a cold laugh. "You never suspected a thing, did you?" I taunted Evan. "I was with Sirius since you came back from Italy. I never felt a thing but contempt for you. I've used you from the start. Everything that you told me I passed on to Dumbledore. And when you brought me into Voldemort's ranks I didn't have to rely on you anymore. You had served your purpose. You should have seen how happy I was when you dumped me."

"Keep your mouth shut!" Severus hissed. "You're not worthy to say the Dark Lord's name."

I scoffed. "And you," I sneered at my former classmate. "I can't imagine what it must feel like knowing that your blood-traitorous nemesis managed to snare a friend of yours. Does it _sting_, Severus?"

"Shut up, Niamh," Evan warned me.

I threw him a derisive look and turned to the blonde wizard. "Ah, Lucius is the odd one out here. I was sick of him even before Sirius and I were together. You have no idea how sorry I feel for Narcissa."

"That's enough, traitor," Evan barked.

"What were you going to do? Kill me?" I shrieked triumphantly. "Your master ordered you to keep me alive!"

"Oh, I intend to keep you alive," Evan retorted, "but nothing more than that."

I closed my mouth, sense crashing back into me. Evan chuckled when he saw comprehension dawn on my face. "Caught on, have you?" he said slowly.

"Stay the hell away from me," I growled, raising the candlestick.

He burst out laughing. "And what were you planning on doing with that against a wand, my dear?"

I bared my teeth in response.

With a sigh as if he were dealing with an obstinate child he pointed his wand at me. "_Expelliarmus!_"

The candlestick was ripped from my hand and clattered against the wall. My hands clenched and unclenched themselves helplessly.

Evan sauntered closer, twirling his wand in his hand. In a desperate attempt I squeezed my eyes shot and concentrated myself with all my might. A surprised growl made me open them again. Evan staggered backwards, panting slightly. The Crushing Curse I had focussed on had caused nothing more than a shove.

He chuckled malevolently. "It's times like these that make you regret that wandless magic is nothing more than an unfocussed remnant of Old Magic, don't they?"

"Piss off," I hissed. My own ragged breathing resonated in my ears. I was defenceless. I fixed my gaze on the door trying to see Sirius through it, but Severus had planted himself squarely in front of it.

Thinking of Sirius made my throat clench together. I blinked frantically, holding back a sob. I needed him so much. I needed him to protect me, but his warning after I had told him Evan pursued me once more turned out to be prophetic. _I can't protect you from him and I hate that. _It echoed in my brain. _I can't protect you from him, I can't protect you from him…_

Evan stood in front of me. I hated that I had to look up to him. I jerked away from him when he placed his hands around my face. Forcefully he made me look at him again. "Niamh, Niamh, Niamh," he said softly. "You know I don't take well to being refused."

"Go to hell!" I spat.

Suddenly he bent down and pressed his lips against me. I cried out in rage and dug my nails into his hands, trying to escape his mouth at the same time. My cry turned into a yelp when he brutally bit down on my lip, his teeth breaking through the skin.

He lifted his head, panting and his eyes gleaming.

"You sick bastard," I choked when he licked my blood off his lips with dark satisfaction.

He grinned and attacked my mouth again. I gasped in pain as he tore the cut further. Blows from my fists rained down on his shoulders and chest, but he still held my face in an iron grip. In a surge of panic and anger I stomped on his foot and kicked him in the shin. Swearing he moved his groin out of my knee's way. In a reflex I lashed out at him to rake my nails over his face, drawing blood.

Evan's arm swung back. Before I could react he had backhanded me. My head snapped backwards from the force. I blinked away some tears, my ears still ringing.

"For Salazar's sake," Lucius sighed. "You have a wand, Evan. Use it."

"And deny myself half the pleasure?" Evan retorted. "I think not." Again he slapped me viciously hard. I stumbled backwards. "I have her right where I've wanted her for months. At my mercy," he hissed at me. "And I think you know, my dearest Niamh, that I'm not a merciful man."

"You're not a man. You're a filthy pig!" I wheezed. It cost me another blow to the head. This time his fist connected with my cheekbone.

Feeling dizzy I stood up straight and met Evan's gaze. "All this because I refused to be your mistress?" I asked. I had hoped it would sound scornful, but I winced when I heard my barely contained terror.

"Yes," he snapped. "And you've just added a few more reasons yourself. You're going to pay for it."

I knew very well what he was planning on doing to me, but I pushed it firmly to the back of my mind. If I thought about it, I feared I would break down.

"You see," Evan purred. "I've known you for two and a half years now. I've learned quite a bit about your character." He stepped closer to me again. I refused to back away. "For example, I know how much you want to be in control. You hate not being able to make your own choices and decisions. You hate having to surrender to someone else."

I let out a shocked gasp. He'd been studying me.

"Oh, yes," Evan grinned in response. "You have a need for pulling the strings – in particular your own strings. You can't bear the thought of someone else having power over you."

Again he moved closer. I stood trembling with rage and fear, but still did not cower from him. Evan brought his lips near my ear. "And that is how I will break you, my dear," he whispered. "I will take every bit of control from you and force you to bend to my will. And it will provide me with some entertainment in the process." His tongue darted out and licked my earlobe.

Shuddering I closed my eyes, shying away from him. He knew my exact weakness. I was distrustful by nature and preferred to keep to myself. Sirius was the only person I had completely opened up to, the only person I had allowed to take control, the only person I had allowed myself to surrender to.

I could not bear the thought of Evan in that position. "Rot in hell, bastard!" I screamed.

Evan laughed victoriously. "See, my friends? A few words and I'm already getting to her. I don't need a wand."

A hissing sound like a cat escaped me and I lunged at him with clawed hands, determined to hurt him wherever I could. It was hopeless. My attack was so fierce I was able to hold him off for several minutes, but he gained the upper hand eventually. Though not as much as Sirius, he was still tall and strong enough to overpower me.

I screamed at the top of my lungs when he twisted my arm behind my back, out of desperation even more so than out of pain. Evan shoved me into the wall face-first. I groaned.

Heavily panting he pressed himself against me. "Got ya now."

I began to struggle again. "You haven't got me!" I cried out. Evan fisted his hand in my hair and slammed my forehead into the wall. Stars exploded in front of my eyes and my knees buckled. Something warm trickled down my face.

He dragged me to the middle of the room and tossed me to the floor in front of Lucius's feet. Humiliated I pushed myself off the ground, but a boot was placed between my shoulder blades and forced me down again. My cheeks burned with shame.

"Lucius, care to join me?" Evan asked courteously.

"Why, thank you. How very generous of you."

"Severus?"

"No, thank you. Like she has said herself, I can find something less filthy to stick it in."

"Suit yourself," Evan shrugged. "Hold her down, Lucius."

Two pairs of hands turned me on my back.

"NO!" I screamed and kicked out with all my might. They each grabbed a leg and held it down. Evan quickly straddled my hips, breathing heavily in excitement. I gagged at the sight.

Before I could strike with my arms Lucius had grasped them and hurled them over my head. I moaned in pain when he placed a boot over each of them. I tried to wriggle them out from under him, but he leaned on them with his full weight. Waves of nauseating pain crashed over me when I heard a crack in my left wrist.

I must have blacked out from the pain for a moment, because when I came to Evan had shoved his hands under my robes.

Hoarse cries I faintly recognized as my own reached my ears as I felt his hands on my body. "Please don't! Help me! SIRIUS!"

Sobbing and screaming I cowered from Evan's touch. I tried to hide behind my Occlumency, but the distress prevented me from focussing. I was trapped inside myself. And so I lived through it all. Lucius's cruel laughter, the pain of tissue tearing inside, the humiliation, the powerlessness.

It was not long before my senses were numbed. I made a weak attempt to escape when Evan and Lucius traded places, but they merely had to grab my wrist to have my eyes rolling back in their sockets. I relented and let them finish, so it would just be over.

With a satisfied groan Lucius got to his feet. "You have to appreciate the irony," he commented while straightening his robes. "I was your first and your last."

Silently I pushed my robes over my legs again, cradling my left wrist against me. I could not look at them.

"Well, that is, unless Severus wants to have a go after all," Evan corrected him. "I assure you she's quite broken in now, my friend."

I glanced up at Severus, who had not moved from his spot against the door. His black eyes bore into my own for a moment, before he lifted them and said, "Thanks for the offer, but no."

However much it made me feel ashamed, I still felt a rush of gratitude towards him. It sickened me.

I made no effort to get up. I simply sat there, breathing as shallow as I could so I would not have to inhale _their_ smell on me. I closed my eyes, feeling them burn behind the lids when I thought of Sirius. So empty, so violated, so filthy. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't.

Sirius. He was just a few feet away from me, but there was so much more distance. I wanted him with me and I wanted to be alone. I wanted him to kill Evan and Lucius and I wanted him to never know about this. I wanted to kill Evan and Lucius myself; I wanted to run away from them; I wanted to scream; I wanted to sit in a corner and rock myself to and fro; I wanted to scrub myself clean; I wanted it to end.

My breath hitched. Soon enough it would be over. Soon enough Voldemort would return and I would be executed for my treason.

* * *

I had crawled against the wall, bringing up my knees to my chest and hugging them tightly. My body hurt all over. I couldn't move my left hand at all, and the wound on my forehead had caused a splitting headache. I thought perhaps my cheekbone was broken from the force of Evan's fist. I refused to think about the soreness of my thighs and belly – it was unbearable. 

I'd been here for hours. I held my head bent so I did not have to look at the men in the room with me. They had come and gone, checking on Sirius I supposed. Apart from the occasional sneer or rude remark they left me to myself. I found I could still think quite rationally. It surprised me.

Evan had what he'd wanted from me. As for the others, I didn't think they really cared. I would be getting what I deserved in a little while. Lucius, never a man to turn down a lucrative offer, had simply taken what had been offered and Severus – well, I couldn't quite fathom his motives. I'd considered him a – _a what exactly? _Whatever bond there had been between us was based on lies. My lies. The amount of trust or reliability we had shared was false. It had been false ever since I fell in love with Sirius and followed him down his path.

_Then why does it feel like _he_ betrayed _me _when he left me at their mercy?_

I sighed and wriggled a bit on the cold, stone floor, flinching when my muscles protested. I couldn't be bothered thinking too long about it. The agonizing swirl of emotions that had assaulted me right after – after it, had vanished. I just felt deadened, numb.

My head was throbbing maddeningly. I gingerly touched my forehead with my fingers. There was a bump the size of a pigeon's egg. I winced as my fingers slid over the chafed and cut skin, feeling the dried blood there. I examined myself further. My cheekbone was too painful to touch. I held in a hiss, not wanting to attract attention to myself. I ran my tongue over my bottom lip. The bite Evan had left was quite deep. Blood still seeped from it.

I felt like I should be doing something. I was about to die and here I was, fretting over mere injuries. _What? You want to run about, swooning and sighing about an inevitable tragedy? You want to write goodbye letters? What would you say? Sorry mates, I got myself in a sticky position because I was too stupid and stubborn to pay attention to warnings, so now I'm about to kick the bucket. Yeah, that really would work well. _

_Begging your pardon, James, but your best friend is here too – you're going to need to pick some new godparents in a few hours. Hope it doesn't cause you too much trouble._

_Be a little more careful, Lana, when you don't have me around to keep you in check. Think about it, do you really need to familiarise yourself with the entire male half of the wizarding community? _

_Pete – well, I don't suppose I should worry about you. You'll miss Sirius, but you've still got James. Don't go playing the hero – it'll only land you where I am right now._

_Lily, I admire you for being brilliant and a good friend, but most of all I admire you for being able to accept me after seven years of horrible remarks and condescension. I'm sorry for being another one of your friends you'll lose._

_Remus, feel free to use the house – we won't be needing it anymore. I suggest a few good bites would improve that toad Umbridge's law-making. Loosen up a little, though I must say the gentleman act is quite refreshing compared to Sirius – _

A sob suddenly escaped me. _Oh Merlin, Remus. And Lily. James, Peter, Lana, Deirdre, Aoife, Quinn and Cecil. Little Harry. _

I bit on my lip trying to choke back my tears even though it hurt. My pride was all I had left right now and I refused to let them see me cry. They had already taken everything else from me. I rested my good cheek on my knees and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to prevent the tears from falling. Sarcasm proved to be too difficult to maintain.

I sniffed, rubbing my hand under my nose. I had to try to stay calm; it wouldn't do me any good if I went hysterical. I frowned. _What for? Is there any hope of escaping?_

No. They guarded me too well. The windows and the door were locked, I had no wand. My only chance was a secret doorway, but I already knew that two walls had none. I was never left alone, not even for a minute, so I couldn't search the remaining wall.

Besides, if I did find something, could I leave Sirius? I couldn't.

Merlin, I couldn't think of him without breaking down into tears again. I cried as quietly as I could. Was it only this morning that I was in his bed, snuggled up to him while he whined dramatically that he really had to get up, but couldn't? That he was being his usual arrogant self, telling me that he knew I loved him?

My shoulders shook silently with sobs as I hid my face from the man in the room.

"Will you shut up?" Severus snapped.

I didn't reply, embarrassed that he had noticed the state I was in.

Severus got to his feet and paced the room. "It's a little late for regrets, don't you think? You've brought this on yourself," he said aggravated.

I looked up for a moment. I wasn't able to discern the expression on his face. He turned away from me and leaned his hands on the window sill. "You betrayed us all."

"I did what was right." My voice was hoarse. I could feel the cut on my lip burst open again. I sucked in the drops of blood.

Incredulously Severus turned around again. "What was _right_?"

I leaned my head against the wall. "This is all – all of this is delusional. We're not better because we're products of inbreeding and ancient traditions that should have been chucked out of the door centuries ago. How many Muggleborns are more powerful than pure-bloods? Do you remember Mary Peterson? She was in our year. Never seen anyone perform more powerful charms. And Zarah Williams? She could grow magical plants with her eyes closed and her hands on her back. Killed, a few weeks out of Hogwarts, just like Mary. No? No recollection of them at all? I'm not surprised. But I bet you remember Lily Evans. She bested you at Potions."

Severus's face had tautened. "I suppose you know all about her too, being so close to Potter and Black."

"I do. Great woman, powerful witch."

"She'll get what she deserves – just like all the other Mudbloods." Severus turned his back on me again.

I scoffed. "All of you, too stupid to see what's right in front of you. A group of mentally unstable, power-hungry cowards."

"And you're so much better than us," Severus sneered, looking over his shoulder. "Helping the poor Muggles and Mudbloods out there. You've sold your soul when you killed, Niamh. Just like the rest of us. That Mark you received in return, it'll never come off. So don't bother being so high and mighty – you're exactly the same as me."

"Maybe," I said softly. "But at least some good has come from it."

"Yes, look at you now," he scorned. "You're doing great. Beaten, raped, and waiting for your execution. Well done, Niamh, well done."

"Shut up!" I hissed. "Some things are more important than myself. But I reckon you don't understand that."

"That must be Dumbledore's influence speaking," he retorted. "Stopped thinking for yourself then? Or have you turned into a Gryffindor and stopped thinking at all?" He snorted. "That must be the case if you've been that long around Black."

"You're not half the man Sirius is," I drawled provocatively. "You'll never be."

Severus showed no reaction to my insult, but leaned against the window sill and folded his arms. "I'm curious, how did he get you to give up your heritage? I'd never have thought anyone but him would be that dimwitted. But apparently I've been wrong."

"Sirius didn't have to do anything. He only noticed that I had opened my eyes."

"And no one around you knew?"

"No, you're all too blind to see the truth."

"The truth, Niamh, is that you're going to die for beliefs that are not your own."

"That's where you're wrong, Severus. I do believe that what I've done is right – you're the one who has trouble believing it."

"You've made a travesty of seven years Slytherin and of more than two years being a Death Eater. You've made a fool of everyone around you, of everyone who trusted you."

"If you want me to ask you forgiveness for deceiving you, you can wait until you begin to grow roots," I growled.

Severus looked haughtily down his nose at me. I stared back, waiting for him to say something. Suddenly his black eyes hardened and his upper lip curled up when he said, "You'll suffer the consequences of your actions soon. I hope your time with Black was worth it."

He walked straight out of the room, slamming the door shut.


	49. Shattered

**A/N: Another chapter with a warning attached to it: the same as for the last chapter!**

**So, many thanks to all the reviewers: Domlando Blonaghan ( thanks very much, actually! Your review was such a reassurance to me, because I wasn't at all sure about this chapter :) As usual, you managed to make my day.), werforpsu, SexeiAlexeiGurl ( that's the question, isn't it? What does Snape think? Does _anyone_ know, really?), Kendra-the hyper one, Messr-Paddifoots-love, and Sirael!**

**I needed to take a break from studying - second exam went great, yay! - and since this chapter had been stewing on my computer for ages, I decided to finish it. Please review and tell me what you think!**

**p.s. Good luck to anybody else with exams!

* * *

**

Shattered

The emptiness of my prison after Severus left prompted me to stand and examine the parts of the wall I hadn't had time for before. With one hand I skimmed over the stones behind the tapestries, feeling my hope fade away with every inch of solid stone. Defeated I slid down the wall again, tucking my knees under my chin. "Doesn't matter," I whispered to myself. "You wouldn't have left anyway." But now it was final.

I just wished I could see Sirius for a moment. To say goodbye and tell him I loved him; to tell him I was sorry for not heeding his warning not to risk anything. I tried to picture his face in front of me, but it only made me cry again.

The door swung open once more. I pressed myself further against the wall when hard, hazel eyes fixed themselves on me. Finally the charming mask had fallen away and Evan had revealed what he really was. And I, who had tried to delude myself into thinking I didn't have to be afraid anymore now he had taken what he wanted, found myself panting in fear and cowering when he stalked closer.

"Get up," Evan demanded. He grabbed the front of my robes when I scooted away from him and tugged me to my feet.

I averted my face, repulsed by his nearness. "Let me go."

"Severus tells me you're brainwashed," he said, ignoring my words.

"I don't care what he says," I replied. "Nor you."

"Don't taunt me, witch," he threatened. "He says that traitor Black has poisoned you with his beliefs."

My head shot back to him. "They are my beliefs. I can think for myself."

"You would never have done all this if it wasn't for _him_," Evan spat.

I bit on my tongue to prevent myself from talking. I wasn't sure how much they knew. All they knew for sure was that I had been passing information onto Sirius, my husband. I had no doubt they would deduct the rest themselves, but I definitely would not hand them anything.

"Believe what you want, Evan," I snarled. "I figured out for myself that I didn't want to be part of this abomination and Sirius recognized that in me."

"Sirius this, Sirius that," he mocked me. "How do you feel about him now that he has led you to your downfall?"

I knew I was playing dangerously here, but I couldn't stop myself. I goaded him deliberately with a defiant stare and smirked. "I love him."

Filled with disgust Evan threw me away from him. I hit the wall rather hard, but bit back a whimper, keeping that same expression on my face. "I love him," I repeated.

For the second time that night I plummeted straight back into my right mind when Evan bolted forward and closed his hands around my throat. "You love him, you say?"

I bared my teeth. "Yes."

Evan's eyes glided over my face and stopped at my mouth. "That's a nice bite you have there," he purred. "Doesn't seem to have put some humility in you though." His thumbs stroked my jaw. He clucked his tongue. "I honestly believe I can't bring you before the Dark Lord in this state. I think I shall have to familiarise you with the concept of meekness."

"I'll rip your throat out if you touch me again!" I snarled.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about," Evan continued. "I promised you I would break you, but I believe I haven't kept my word. And we can't have that, now can we?"

For one moment I looked at him. It was all I needed to name the gleam in his eyes. I dropped myself unexpectedly to my knees, escaping his grasp and crawled away from him. I scrambled to my feet and ran for it, but Evan caught my robes in a hand and jerked me back. I screamed in pain when I stumbled and landed on my broken wrist.

Evan stood over me, waiting until I had stopped wheezing. He crouched down to eye-level with me and sighed, reaching out with one hand and touching my face. I pulled away from him. He slid his hand in my hair, twisting it around his fingers, and stood, dragging me up with him.

He forced me to walk to the table and planted me in front of it. "Ow, no, Evan, ow," I gasped. "Please don't." My hipbones were pressed painfully into the solid wood as he grinded himself against me. "Don't do this," I pleaded. A violent tug on my hair made my breath catch in my throat. My robes were hoisted to my hips. "Merlin, Evan, no," I moaned. "No more. Not again. Think about Sophie – your baby. She wouldn't want you – "

"If you think that is going to stop me," Evan panted in my ear, "you couldn't be more wrong." He gave me a shove in the back and made me bend over.

Suddenly there were footsteps outside. I lifted my head and bawled, "Help me! Somebody help me!" Renewing my struggle I thrashed about, trying to get Evan off me.

"You can scream all you want. Nobody here will help you."

The door swung open. I looked up with hope, but it was immediately replaced with despair when it revealed Avery. He raised an eyebrow. "The Dark Lord wants his prisoners downstairs." Smirking, he added, "Now, Evan."

I sank to the floor when Evan stepped away from me, weeping quietly in relief. He straightened his robes again and stretched his arm out to me. I ducked away from him, but he took hold of my upper arm. "Up," he commanded and pushed me out of the door onto the landing.

Two doors further Sirius was shoved out of his room as well. He didn't look too good. There were bruises on his face and he sported signs of a broken nose, as well as broken ribs. He was breathing shallowly and I noticed his hands were twitching uncontrollably. The Cruciatus Curse.

His eyes widened in shock when he saw me. "Jesus, Niamh," he breathed. "What have they done to you?"

I couldn't take it. My lip trembled and my nose began to run. I looked away from him in shame. Evan chuckled malignantly and stroked my hair and breast. I shuddered with disgust. I jumped in shock when Sirius's anguished howl tore through the manor. "I'LL KILL YOU! YOU DAMNED SON OF A BITCH!"

He jumped at Evan, his face taut with rage. Severus couldn't hold him back and Sirius flew at Evan's throat. When his body collided with Evan's I was knocked off my feet.

"_STUPEFY!_" Avery roared. With a loud thud Sirius fell to the ground, unconscious.

"_Mobilicorpus_," Severus sighed and walked off with Sirius hovering in front of him.

Evan pulled me to my feet and ushered me downstairs and into a large room. My breath hitched. It was completely crowded. I didn't pay attention to the cruel laughter as we passed the numerous black figures by. It had hit me with full force. I was going to die. Right now. My footsteps faltered. I simply did not have the courage to keep on walking towards my own doom.

Evan shoved me, making me stumble forward. Slowly I straightened myself and kept my eyes on Sirius's awkwardly floating figure in front of me. I took one step, and another. I made it to the middle of the room without disgracing myself, even though the bile had risen to the back of my tongue. Cold sweat trickled down my spine.

Next to me Sirius was dropped unceremoniously to the floor. "_Enervate!_" Severus snapped. He didn't bother to check if his spell was successful and strode to a group of black-clad figures. Sirius's eyelids fluttered and he groaned. I sat down next to him and brushed his hair from his face. He looked at me, his eyes slowly focussing. "Niamh," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

I shook my head. "Not your fault," I choked.

Sirius sat up straight. "It is. I was alone when they captured me. I knew there were too many, but I didn't think and tried to fight them, instead of trying to escape. I put you in this situation." He hung his head low.

I blinked, too tired to be upset or angry. "Doesn't matter anymore," I said softly, reaching out to touch his face. "It'll be over soon."

His head jolted back up at the sound of my defeated voice. "Don't say that!"

"Why? It's true, isn't it?"

"Someone can – James will suspect something. He'll –"

"Even if he does suspect something, how will he ever find us? There are so many Death Eater hideouts – he'll never be able to search them all."

"He could find the right one," Sirius persisted stubbornly.

I couldn't fight the smile his optimism and perseverance caused. "Maybe," I gave in.

His face showed he knew I didn't believe him. "Niamh, don't give up. Whatever happened – happens… We can get through it. I know we can."

"I love you."

"Stop it, Niamh," he hissed anxiously. "You're not giv –"

He was cut off when Voldemort appeared in front of us. He stared down at us. Sirius stared back boldly, but I averted my face. It was me he spoke to, however. "There is someone here to see you."

That made my eyes snap upwards and I watched him gesture at a minion, who opened the door. A tall, broad-shouldered man marched in, his copper-coloured hair pulled back in a tail. "Father," I moaned.

"Niamh!" he said startled when he saw me. He looked at Voldemort. "What is the meaning of this?" he seethed, his anger almost sparking off him.

"Your daughter has been keeping things from you, Bran," Voldemort answered. "From all of us."

My father whipped towards me. "What? What do you mean? Niamh?"

I bowed my head. My father walked over to me and sat on one knee, raising my head with a finger under my chin. "My daughter, what is going on here? What have they done to you?"

He glanced at Sirius for a moment and an expression of contempt became visible on his face.

"I don't believe you've met your son-in-law, have you now, my friend?" Voldemort commented.

"My son-in-law?" my father repeated. His eyes flicked from me to Sirius and to Voldemort, looking confused. "Sirius Black? My son-in-law? What? Merlin, don't tell me this is true, Niamh."

"Yes, father, it is," I answered softly. I reached under my robes and pulled out the chain. The rings tinkled softly. "I love him. He's my husband."

As if bitten by a pixie, my father stood, his nostrils flaring as he gazed at Sirius, who met him head on, but for once didn't say anything. Slowly he turned his head to me again. I cringed at the loathing I saw appearing in his face. "You married _him_?"

"Father, please," I whispered. "Help me."

"Your daughter," Voldemort said loudly, "has been passing information to the Ministry and Dumbledore – our enemies. She has been doing so from the moment she entered my trust, betraying not only me and my _trustworthy_ Death Eaters, but also her heritage and her family. Her brother. You."

"Rowan." My father took a step away from me, his mouth grim with disgust.

"Please don't leave me," I pleaded.

After a long, unyielding look he turned his back on me.

"Father, please!" I cried out.

He stiffened and looked over his shoulder. "Do not call me that. You are no daughter of mine. I only have one child left."

I whimpered and clasped my hand in front of my mouth. I heard Sirius foully cursing my father under his breath.

He walked away, saying to Voldemort, "Do as you like. She is nothing to me." And then he was gone.

Sirius still made an effort to damn my father to the depths of hell. I merely stared at the door, which had closed behind my father with a bang full of finality. I had been left at Voldemort's mercy by my own father. He had not even spared me a second glance. It crossed my mind that my actions of the past years were confirmed right. My giving up Sirius to protect him and myself, I had been right all along. For a fleeting moment I felt satisfaction at that justification, before it turned into bitter resentment. _So much for family._

"Well, we're on our own now," I said to Sirius.

"No, we're not," he answered simply. "He's not your family. I am. Lily and James are, and Harry. Pete and Remus. They're all the family you need."

I laughed nervously. "It's good to know at least someone will cry at my funeral." I grimaced. "If they ever find us, that is."

* * *

The whispers and murmurs died down with a wave of Voldemort's hand. This was it, then. I took a shaky breath. I had taken the place of so many wizards and witches before me, some of which I had brought here. I supposed there was some justice in that. I grabbed Sirius's hand. He gave me an encouraging squeeze and interlaced his fingers with mine. When I glanced at him I saw he held his head arrogantly high and had twisted his mouth into a derisive sneer. I drew strength from his defiance. 

"Now," Voldemort began. "Which one of you is going to tell me what I want to know?"

Neither of us answered.

"Surely you don't me to repeat myself," he hissed. "You'll find that I won't be as courteous as I am now."

Suddenly Sirius got to his feet, pulling me up with him. His grip on my hand tightened. "We'll never say anything," he answered calmly.

Voldemort scoffed. "Your dear, beloved wife will tell you I can make anyone talk."

"Not us," I said.

When he fixed his eyes on me, I began trembling again. "I can smell your fear, Niamh. You don't want to go through this. You know what it means, suffering my displeasure."

"We'd rather die than tell you anything!" Sirius spat.

"Ah, Black. But you will die, you needn't doubt that. So naïve."

Sirius laughed bitterly. "I'm a Black. I've not been naïve since the day I was born."

A Death Eater bolted forward. "You are no Black!" she screeched. "You never were one!"

Bellatrix was restrained by my cousin, her husband. "Calm yourself," Rodolphus snapped.

"Let me, master," Bellatrix begged, leaning forward in her husband's arms. "Please, let me."

"Enough!" Voldemort ordered. "Control yourself."

"My darling cousin," Sirius drawled. "At the beck and call of a lunatic. Who's the naïve one here?"

"_Crucio!_"

Sirius's hand was ripped from my grasp as he fell to the ground, twisting and groaning, his eyes clamped shut and his teeth bared. How much he had endured this curse already, I didn't know, but the effects of being placed under it for a long time were horrible.

"STOP IT!" I screamed. "STOP IT!"

Voldemort lifted the curse. "I knew you would come to your senses. Where is the Order's Headquarters located and who are its members? Who is Dumbledore protecting?"

"She won't tell you a thing!" Sirius avowed through clenched jaws. "Do you hear me, Niamh? You won't tell them a thing!" The look he gave me was so fierce I pressed my lips tightly together.

I shook with rage and ache when Sirius suffered the Curse again, and again, still refusing to utter a meaningful word. The only words he squeezed through his clenched jaws were insults and taunts. Incredulously I stared at him, realising he was putting up with the Dark Lord's growing anger to keep his attention diverted. Away from me.

Voldemort was no fool, however. He jerked his wand upwards, breaking the spell. There was uneasiness throughout the ranks. The unpredictability of the Dark Lord's moods was well-known. Sirius's insolence endangered not only himself, but the Death Eaters around him as well.

Sirius heaved himself to his knees and stood tall, despite the fact his knees were almost buckling. He breathed with difficulty, wheezing, and held a hand pressed against his ribs. He wrapped his arm around me when I hurried over to him and quickly kissed my temple, murmuring something comforting.

Voldemort suddenly stopped pacing and cackled. "I'm going about this the wrong way! How very_ naïve_ of me, but I'm sure you'll excuse me for having difficulty understanding your Gryffindor nature. The one Dumbledore admires so much," he sneered.

He whirled around to his followers. "You see, my friends, I could torture him for hours and he wouldn't tell me a single thing. However, there is a weak spot in his defence."

My head snapped backwards with the force of Voldemort's hatred and anger when his Cruciatus Curse hit me. I hit the floor with a thump, crying out in pain when scorching needles poked my bones and my muscles were torn to shreds. My skin was set on fire and my fingers twisted into unnatural curves. It went on for an eternity. I thought I was going insane.

My own screams mixed with Sirius's horrified ones. Through a thick mist of pain I heard Sirius calling out to me, shouting my name. Then suddenly the agony stopped. Numbed and mystified I lay still, blinking at the ceiling.

"What did you say?" a cold, high voice asked with glee.

I propped myself on one elbow and looked around to see what was going on. Voldemort stared triumphantly at Sirius, whose shoulders hung in defeat.

"I said I'll tell you what you want to know," he repeated hoarsely. "Just leave her alone."

"What? No," I croaked, sitting up straight. "Sirius, no!"

He didn't look at me. "Sirius!" I shouted. "I said no! I don't care! Don't tell him! It doesn't matter. LOOK AT ME!"

Grudgingly, he met my eyes.

"Don't you dare tell him anything!" I screamed. "I forbid you! I don't want you doing this for me! This is my choice to make, not yours!"

I knew I was being hysterical, but I couldn't care less. I was beyond worrying about the consequences. The sight of Sirius's courage and staunch loyalty to Dumbledore conquered because of me was more than I could bear. I scrambled to my feet, swaying slightly.

"This is more important than me!" I continued heatedly. "Than us! You will NOT sacrifice others for me!"

Voldemort hissed at me and clenched his fingers around Sirius's chin, staring into his eyes. I felt a pang of panic. He was going to use Legilimency on Sirius.

"No!" I screamed.

I hadn't been able to teach Sirius more than a basic barrier against intrusion of the mind. He simply wasn't capable of shutting down his feelings and keeping them under control. Against Voldemort, he didn't stand a chance.

"Don't look him in the eye!" I yelled at him. "Sirius, _I am begging you_!"

A heavy tremor ran through the man I loved. Then he yanked his head free and staggered backwards. I had a moment to look at him and mouth 'thank you'. Sirius stared back, overcome with regret, hurt, and rage that I had made him do that.

Voldemort shot towards me, his patience run out. I backed away with wide eyes when he pointed his wand at me. Something blacker than the night's sky came out of the tip and swirled towards me. I let out a strangled cry of fear when it wrapped itself around my neck. Voldemort hissed something and the black smoke constricted my throat. I gasped in panic and clawed at the substance, but there was nothing I could get a hold on.

"Niamh!" Sirius roared and leaped towards me, but two Death Eaters intervened and held him back with a spell.

The smoke tightened further, making me choke. My blood pounded in my ears and I rapidly became dizzy. Voldemort chuckled while he sauntered closer. He raised his wand a little, lifting me off the floor.

Black spots danced in my vision, but Voldemort prevented the curse from letting me lose consciousness. His face was right in front of me, his eyes boring into my own. Gagging and sputtering I tried to defend myself from his probing, but I couldn't concentrate. I attempted to fend him off when he pushed into my mind. It only made him more forceful.

I groaned when the sides of my head felt as if they were pressed together. Without consideration for my mind he began to drag forth images and information. The pain he caused me worried me. I had no idea what damage he was inflicting. My eyes rolled back in my sockets when he delved further, in search of more hidden information. The rope of black smoke around my throat cut off my circulation. I felt it break through my skin. Though I could still feel nothing with my fingers, rivulets of blood now ran down my neck and collarbones.

I was aware of what Voldemort was extracting from my mind. Faces of Order members, of friends, of people I had saved. Names and locations. My alias Nicole Carmichael. And then… I fought him, I tried to prevent him, but he pushed me aside as if I were nothing. The location of our Headquarters.

Voldemort laughed triumphantly and flicked his wand, tossing me to the floor, but the smoke didn't disappear. He hissed something again and the strangling smoke wormed its way further into my flesh. I choked and gasped for breath, feeling so faint I had to lie down on my back as I scratched at my neck. I was rapidly losing consciousness now, but I could still hear Sirius's howls as well as Voldemort's cackling laughter.

I sank into darkness; my hands stilled, too heavy to continue their frantic movements…

When I heard the explosion I thought I was hallucinating. When I felt the curse lift I thought I my death was certain. When I heard shouts and harsh orders, I frowned. Tiny puffs of air passed my maimed throat and entered my lungs, just enough to keep me floating somewhere between awareness and nothingness. A face hovered over me, with familiar features. My lips moved.

"Shh," the face said, strangely echoing in my head. I grimaced at the sensation. I knew this face. Suddenly it was jerked away from me and I heard the struggling of a fight nearby.

There was nothing for a while. I felt myself slide deeper into the swamp of oblivion. Every time I blinked my eyes stayed longer shut. When I opened them again, red eyes stared at me from above. Adrenaline shot through my veins.

_No, no, no…_

A long, thin piece of pale wood was pointed at me. A small, reddish drop emerged from the tip and fell down, right on my lips. It slid down into my mouth and throat. Suddenly the red eyes were gone.

I coughed and sniffed. Something warm bubbled in my throat. It tasted strange. I tried to clear my throat, even though it was agonizingly painful. More of the liquid blocked my throat. I panicked when it hit me what I attempted to swallow, but couldn't. I coughed violently now, struggling to turn myself on my side. Some of the warm liquid dribbled from the corner of my mouth, but most of it was still at the back of my throat. I retched when suddenly a whole flood forced itself up. My hands were covered in the red, sticky stuff. Aghast I stared at my own blood. What the hell was going on?

"NIAMH!" someone cried out. That was my name, wasn't it?

A pair of hands turned me on my back. There was that face again, the one I knew. Brown eyes looked anxiously at me from behind round glasses. _He really should comb his hair_, I thought. I coughed again. The sickly, metallic taste and smell of my blood filled my mouth and nose, spilling down my chin and soaking my robes.

Suddenly there was another face. And then two more. I scowled when loud voices began shouting.

"What is happening?"

"What spell did that?"

"I don't know! I don't know!"

"Where is Dumbledore?"

"Get him now!"

I smiled when the most familiar face of all appeared. Long, black hair almost tickled my face because he was so close. His trembling hand wiped some blood from my face. He looked at it with horror-struck grey eyes.

I groaned when my stomach unexpectedly clenched together. Another flow of blood gushed from my mouth. My insides felt like they were being torn apart. More blood forced its way up in consistent waves, choking me. My arms flailed in panic when I couldn't breathe at all anymore. My body convulsed as my mouth and nose were filled, my blood running down my face.

"It's killing her!"

"Oh God! She's drowning in her own blood!"

"Help her! For Merlin's sake, help her!" Sirius's nose almost touched mine. "Don't leave me, Niamh. Fight it. Come on, stay with me!" he whispered urgently. "Don't leave me. Please don't leave me."

I couldn't breathe. Darkness enveloped me as a thick, impenetrable blanket. I saw Sirius's distraught face. I smelled my own death in the scent of my blood. I heard the frantic shouts of the people around me. I felt hands gripping me, shaking me.

Then, nothing.


	50. Shards of a Life

**Shards of a Life**

**Scotland, Highlands**

The message Dumbledore had sent was vague and without detail, but Remus was shaken to his core. Emmeline stood frozen in shock, her hand pressed against her mouth. Benjy stared at the spot where Dumbledore's Patronus had vanished into thin air.

"Attacked?" he sputtered in disbelief. "_Niamh_? Discovered?"

"We're going back now," Remus ordered. "I need to get to St Mungo's."

Dumbledore's words rang in his head. _Not woken yet… Prospects not good… Voldemort knows… Return immediately… Damage control…_

"We can't go to Headquarters," Benjy protested.

"We'll go to Hogwarts," Remus decided. "If Dumbledore isn't there, McGonagall will know where he is."

They checked the small hut they had stayed in while spying on the giants for any signs of their presence and quickly Disapparated. The gates of Hogwarts opened for them after they had put their hands on the gate and they hurried up the path leading to the front doors. Though it was very early in the morning, Remus had no doubt McGonagall would be up. The sinking feeling in his chest told him something really had gone wrong. He took the steps leading to the front doors three at a time and banged loudly on the wood.

Argus Filch opened it, narrowing his eyes suspiciously at the visitors. "Not _you_," he said with distaste. "I'd hoped your graduation was the last I'd see you and your rule-breaking friends."

Remus refrained from rolling his eyes. "We need to speak to Professor McGonagall immediately."

"She's not up yet."

"Yes, I am, Argus," a stern voice said behind him. Minerva McGonagall looked very much awake and was fully dressed. "In my office, please. Thank you, Argus."

She swept past Filch and led the three to her office, closing her door securely. She drew up some chairs and sat behind her desk. Remus was unpleasantly reminded of his Hogwarts years and the many times he had been here.

"Tea?" McGonagall asked.

"Please just tell us what's happened," Remus insisted.

McGonagall sighed. "At the moment we are relocating our persons in hiding and emptying Headquarters. Voldemort has extracted the information about it's location from Niamh's mind."

"Extracted?" Emmeline breathed in horror. "What does that mean?"

"We're not sure yet. The curses under which she was placed… The Healers are still trying to identify them. She can't help us; she's still unconscious. This means we have no idea how much Voldemort knows."

Remus groaned. "How is Sirius holding up? I have to get to him – "

McGonagall raised a hand. "Sirius is in St Mungo's as well. For treatment of his injuries. He was captured by Death Eaters yesterday and that is how Niamh was discovered. They confronted her with him and demanded she used the Cruciatus Curse on him."

"And she didn't," Remus deducted, closing his eyes. "How do you know all this?"

"Sirius was not as gravely injured as Niamh. He told us what he knew, but they were locked up separately, so he doesn't know everything that happened while they were apart."

There was something in his former Head of House's eyes that made him frown. "But he did know something."

"Voldemort left with a large group of Death Eaters to go after Dorcas," McGonagall said.

"Oh Merlin," Emmeline interrupted. "Did they – "

"Yes, I'm afraid so," McGonagall nodded, the lines around her mouth becoming more prominent. "Dorcas was murdered in her home last night."

"What do you mean, her home?" Benjy burst out. "That house was so heavily warded not even a flea could get in. Dorcas cast the spells herself!"

"They ambushed her when she returned home from work. As many things, we're not sure how."

"What about Niamh?" Remus croaked. "What happened to her?"

McGonagall never backed away from anything, but now she looked him in the eye with something that came close to reluctance. "When Voldemort left, he ordered three Death Eaters to stay behind. One of them was Evan Rosier."

Remus fell back in his seat, swearing under his breath. "What did he do? What has he done to her? Are you saying he – he – "

"Sirius said he didn't know, but apparently Rosier hinted at it and Niamh's reaction – "

"I have to get to St Mungo's," he said, raising from his chair. "Now."

To his surprise McGonagall didn't say anything to stop him, but merely nodded. Remus realised with a sickening jolt of his stomach just how serious Niamh's condition was.

"I'll come with you," she said. "Aurors are guarding her room."

"What can we do?" Emmeline asked.

"For the moment we're storing everything from Headquarters in a safe house Albus has created. The Order members who are there are very careful and probably nervous too. Make sure you send a message before you arrive. Sturgis is there right now. You should send your Patronus to him."

Benjy and Emmeline nodded and Benjy sent his Patronus out the door. Remus was grateful he didn't say anything about Niamh. After his insinuations Remus didn't think he could control himself if he did.

"Come along," McGonagall said. "We'll Apparate to St Mungo's from outside the gates."

Remus's heart was beating loudly in fear as the four of them hurried through the castle. Some early students blinked sleepily as they passed them by. Was it not even three years ago he was one of them? And look what had happened to him and his friends.

Sturgis's Patronus appeared just as they reached the gates. Benjy and Emmeline Disapparated immediately.

"I'll meet you at the entrance," McGonagall told Remus. She turned on the spot and vanished with a loud crack. He followed her. They entered the magical hospital together. McGonagall looked around for a moment and then briskly walked to the welcome witch. "Niamh Carden," she barked.

The welcome witch didn't even blink. She ran her finger down a list on her desk. "We don't have anyone hospitalized with that name," she said in a bored voice.

"Good," the Deputy Headmistress said. "Ah, Alastor."

Moody limped towards her, his magical eye fixed firmly on her. "Password."

"Acid pops and lemon drops make a bad combination," she murmured quietly.

"True," Moody nodded. "Come on." He looked at Remus. "I figured you'd be here soon," he growled.

"How is she?" he breathed.

"No improvement. The Healers are doing what they can. It's Black who needs your help. Not even Potter can get through to him, even though he's been trying all night. But I need that Auror now."

"Why?"

Moody gave him a horrible, nasty smile over his shoulder as he thumped up the stairs. "We caught a few Death Eaters last night. Antonin Dolohov, Igor Karkaroff, Amycus and Alecto Carrows… But I want Rosier. That son of a hag won't escape me now."

It crossed Remus's mind that Alastor Moody was a very scary man when riled, but he only said, "Good."

When they reached the fourth floor, Spell Damage, they walked quickly to the last ward, which was heavily guarded. "Andrews, Robertson, Longbottom, Fraser, aside!" Moody commanded the four Aurors, who pointed their wands at the three.

"Identify yourself first, sir," Frank Longbottom said, somewhat apologetic.

Moody hissed something in Frank's ear, who nodded and stepped aside. "Clear."

The older Auror stayed behind to spit orders at the guards, while McGonagall led him into the ward. Remus heard Sirius's angry voice almost straight away.

"I will NOT just sit here!" it shouted. "Let me come along! I want him dead!"

Softer voices that he couldn't discern sounded gentle and soothing, but futile.

"James, you will take me to Ollivander's this instance! I need a new wand."

McGonagall hurried him into the room where Sirius sat on a hospital bed, his skin a deathly pale but his cheeks flushed with anger. Lily and James stood opposite him, James raising his hands in a calming manner and Lily with three different phials in her hands.

"Remus!" she exclaimed in relief. "You're here."

"I'll leave you alone," McGonagall said and closed the door behind her.

Remus looked at Sirius, who had closed his mouth at the sight of his friend. "What happened, Padfoot?"

Sirius's face contorted in anguish. "They… He… She almost died." He jumped from the bed, wincing slightly, and stalked over to the window, the back he turned on his friends straight and rigid. "She almost slipped away – I saw her slip away from me. Oh God, there was so much blood." He rubbed his hands off on his jeans, almost subconsciously.

"But she's still alive," Lily whispered. "She'll make it."

"They kept her in another room," Sirius continued hoarsely. "I couldn't protect her from…" He spun around. "I want him _dead_. He'll pay for what he has done."

"You can't leave St Mungo's," Lily tried again. "You have to take these potions every twenty minutes to fight the after-effects of the Cruciatus Curse."

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THOSE POTIONS!" he roared.

"Unfortunately for you," James snapped, "we do! Moody is already bringing a large force together to go after Rosier and the others. He doesn't need a vengeful, emotionally overloaded, hot-headed, and wounded wizard like you!"

Sirius huffed.

"Sirius," Remus said softly. "Niamh needs you here."

A desperate expression slid over the injured man's face, his anger vaporising. "I can't sit around and wait for – there are Healers everywhere. They won't let me near her. I thought she'd died, and then they took her away. I haven't seen her since. I can't do nothing, Remus! I'm the one that put her in this mess in the first place. I have to try to – to –"

"What do you mean?"

"They caught me. Eight of them. Appeared out of nowhere," Sirius answered, his voice rising in anger for a brief moment before it was choked with torment. "And I did – I was stupid enough to try and fight them. I thought they were going to kill me, but they just knocked me unconscious. I woke up on a graveyard. Voldemort compromised her. Niamh, he wanted her to torture me. And she couldn't. I tried to make her, but she wouldn't. I'm the reason she was discovered."

"Padfoot…"

"Merlin, it's eating me up. She asked me to be careful ages ago and I promised her. I _promised_ her I wouldn't take any risks."

"Sirius, this isn't your fault," Lily said softly, her lip trembling.

"It is! Don't you see? This is all my fault. I should've tried to escape, Disapparate, run away, I don't know, not stay and fight. For Merlin's sake, how could I be so stupid? I did this to her. I'm the reason she's laying in that room, being drained of all her blood to get that curse out of it. What was left of it, anyway."

"The Healers are doing all they can," James said helplessly.

"You need to take the potions again, Sirius," Lily told him, looking at her watch.

"I'm fine."

"Sirius!" she snapped. "You're not fine. Don't be such a stubborn fool and take the potions. The sooner you do, the sooner I can discharge you."

The door to the room opened. Moody stuck his head inside. "Potter, we're leaving."

"Yes, sir."

"Not a word, Black," Moody growled when Sirius opened his mouth. "You're still only an Assistant Auror and you're injured. You are staying here and that is my final word."

Sirius looked livid.

"I'm sorry, mate," James mumbled and clapped his friend on the shoulder when he walked past him, touching Lily's face on his way out.

"Be careful," she whispered.

Before he left, Moody's face softened for a brief moment. "We'll get him."

Sirius clenched his fists and stared venomously at the shutting door.

"Sirius, your potions," Lily persisted.

"Could you go and ask how she's doing?" he asked anxiously. "I'll take the potions, but please?"

"Of course. Remus?"

"Yeah, I'll stay here."

With a disgusted face Sirius swallowed the potions, the taste making him shudder. He tossed the empty phials on the bed, where they refilled themselves. The ink on the labels changed. It said now '92 doses left'. He seemed to calm down a little. He sat on the bed and heaved a few deep sighs.

Remus hesitated for a moment, wondering whether he should ask what had happened. He feared he would only upset Sirius again with his questions. He could wait.

Lily returned shortly.

Sirius jumped to his feet, every trace of rest vanished. "And?"

"They're still working on her," she answered. "They couldn't say anything more."

"Merlin be damned," he hissed. "I can't take this. All this waiting is killing me."

But waiting was all they could do. Over the next few days Remus stayed in that hospital room with Sirius and Lily, while Peter came to visit every now and then. He seemed to have trouble coping with his injured friends and looked terribly upset every time he saw Sirius. He could barely look him in the eye.

James popped in whenever he could. Moody chased him and the other Aurors all over the country, in pursuit of the fugitive Death Eaters, but so far they had only managed to find Timothy Travers, who had refused to let himself be arrested. An Auror killed him.

A list of wanted men had been published, but, James admitted unwillingly, Lucius Malfoy had stepped into the Ministry and demanded his name to be cleared, because he had an alibi and was appalled a law-abiding citizen such as himself could be slandered in such a manner. He was cleared of all charges. As were Rodolphus and Bellatrix Lestrange.

But Moody viciously hunted down Evan Rosier. He'd told Bartemius Crouch, the Head of the Magical Law Enforcement Department, that he had seen Rosier at the scene himself. Crouch gave him permission to use any means necessary.

* * *

After three days they were allowed to see Niamh. The Healer-in-charge, Anselm Shepard, paused with the doorknob in his hand. "She has not woken yet. We have been able to stop the bleeding and extract the curse, but she is severely injured." 

"Please," Sirius croaked. "Just let me see her."

Shepard nodded. "One at a time."

"I'll wait outside," Remus said.

The Healer opened the door and Sirius stepped inside. Remus heard a muffled groan coming from his friend and then a breathed "Niamh". Sirius rushed over to the bed, pressing a trembling hand to her face.

It had never really occurred to Remus before, how small a woman Niamh actually was. She was a head shorter than him, but she'd always seemed to be equally tall as him. Maybe it had to do something with the way she held her head or pulled her shoulders back. But now, lying in that hospital bed, there was hardly anything left of her. He saw Sirius plummet in the chair next to the bed and lean his elbows on the mattress, burying his head in his hands, his shoulders shaking.

Remus found it too painful to watch and looked at the Healer. Shepard seemed to understand his unspoken question. "We managed to discover she was hit with two different curses. One was an unusual form of a Strangling Curse, which we knew of because of Mr Black's information. But though that curse caused an extensive wound in Miss Carden's neck, it did not explain the excessive bleeding. She was near death when she was brought here."

"So what did cause it?" Remus asked, remembering Sirius's constantly repeating, horrified comments on how much blood there was.

"We didn't know for a long time and we still don't have a cure, but it appears to be an extremely old spell that enters the blood. It's meant to cause a very painful death. She would have drowned in her own blood. We've tried to get rid of the spell by removing all the cursed blood, an unusual idea of my Trainee Healer Smethwyck, using copious amounts of Blood-Replenishing Potion in combination with some of her blood that was still untainted, but the curse had already begun attacking her stomach. Had she been brought in a moment later, too many organs would have been ruined for us to heal."

"But she'll make it?" Remus pressed. "She made it in time?"

"If these were her only injuries I'd be able to say yes, but as it is…"

"What does that mean?"

"Miss Carden's mind was assaulted in a very forceful manner. Because she was able to defend herself, more strength was needed to probe into her head. We don't know how much damage has been done until she wakes up. We also know she has been put under the Cruciatus Curse.

"Then there is the matter of…" Shepard's voice faltered, his eyes measuring Remus.

"Professor McGonagall already told me about – " He found he couldn't get it out of his throat.

"Yes, Miss Carden has also suffered from physical violence. We were able to heal her broken wrist and cheekbone immediately and the cuts on her forehead and lip will most likely leave no permanent scars, but we fear the psychological damage. This is not the first time we've come across a victim of rape by Death Eaters."

"I know there are a few that… have that tendency," Remus replied. "One of my best friends is an Auror," he added, seeing Shepard's questioning frown.

Dumbledore had ordered every Order member to keep quiet as much as they could, for Niamh's protection. The information that Niamh Carden was hospitalised had already leaked to the press, as well as the shocking fact that her ex-fiancé Evan Rosier was suspected of not only being a Death Eater but also of being her attacker. The Healers and hospital workers had their hands full trying to keep the press out of St Mungo's, but despite their lack of information the articles in the paper soon deducted that Miss Carden could be connected to the Ministry and that it had been a revenge action.

Some of the press had turned to Niamh's family to verify this, but they were silent as the grave. Remus had listened in consternation to Sirius telling him how her father had deserted her, leaving her to her death.

Remus focussed on the Healer again. "So what is going to happen now?"

"We'll have to wait until she wakes up before we can assess the damage."

"What if she doesn't wake up?" he asked worriedly.

Shepard looked very grave. "Then I'm afraid there's nothing more we can do for her."

* * *

Remus carefully stepped into the room. It had been over two weeks and Niamh still hadn't regained consciousness. The quietness in the ward was the reverse of what was going on outside. Rumours were flying everywhere. The capture of five Death Eaters was a huge and desperately needed success for the Ministry, which applied summary justice to the criminals and shipped them off to Azkaban. Aurors were still searching for Rosier, who had been untraceable as of yet. 

The pure-blood world was appalled. Those with connections to Voldemort made an effort to pretend to be and kept their mouths shut. Surprisingly, Sophie Rosier had not been made a pariah, even though her husband's fate was determined. Whether he would ever be found or not, he was condemned as a Death Eater, and not even the pure-blood society's slick and cunning way of working around such trivial matters could change that. However, Sophie claimed not to have known about Evan's allegiance to You-Know-Who and anyone who knew her didn't doubt that.

Remus had expected the room to be empty, but the black-haired man who'd been asleep right next to the bed with his head on his arms, his hand holding Niamh's, looked up. Sirius's eyes were red-rimmed and had black shadows under them. He gave his friend a strained smile. "Hi, Moony."

"How is she?" Remus asked softly. He was surprised to see Sirius here during the day. Having to stay all day in the magical hospital, waiting for Niamh's condition to change, had almost driven him mad, so Dumbledore had assigned him some protection shifts to keep those who were still in hiding safe. Remus knew full well it was guilt that made Sirius even more restless than usual, but he knew better than to attempt to get this through to Sirius. He wouldn't listen.

"No change," Sirius answered. His voice was hoarse and raspy.

Remus frowned. "When's the last time you slept, Padfoot? In a bed, I mean."

"I'm fine. What time is it?"

"Almost eleven."

Sirius swore under his breath and rose from the chair. "I'm late. Sturgis will kill me if I don't release him from his shift." He let go of Niamh's hand and put on his jacket with hurried movements. "Will you be here, Moony?"

"Yeah, but listen. Why don't you take a break and go home to sleep? I'm sure Sturgis will understand."

Sirius shook his head. "No need, I've slept here. Besides, I'd just start mulling things over if I lie in bed. I'll come back tonight." He caressed Niamh's cheek for a moment, before an indecipherable expression slid over his face. "I have to go," he choked.

Remus grimaced at the pain in his friend's voice. "Okay."

Sirius rushed past him to the door, but turned around. "Moony?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks. You know, for everything."

Remus nodded and looked back at the bed. "Merlin!"

"What?" Sirius asked, alarmed.

"She moved! She moved! I saw it! She moved her head."

"Merlin," Sirius breathed and brushed past him, back into the room. "Niamh! Wake up, love. Can you hear me? Niamh, please." He grabbed her hand again and put his hand around her cheek. "Remus, get a Healer."

Remus stormed out of the room, heading towards the Healers' office. "She's waking up," he panted. "Niamh's just moved. She's waking up."

Shepard and Smethwyck shot through the door, running to her room, followed by Remus. Sirius was still calling her name, patting her hand and stroking her face.

"Mr Black, if you please," Shepard said firmly.

"I'm not leaving," Sirius snapped. "Niamh, come on. I know you can hear me. Open your eyes."

Remus gasped when there seemed to be a response coming from the lifeless body in the bed. Niamh's head made a small, twitchy movement.

"That's right, love," Sirius breathed excitedly. "Come on, wake up. Open your eyes for me. Remus is here too. And James and Lily will come and visit you this afternoon. Don't you want to see Harry? Please, Niamh, wake up. For me. Please."

"Keep talking, Mr Black," Shepard encouraged him.

Niamh's head moved again. Suddenly her breathing became less regular. She inhaled faster and shallower.

"Look at me, Niamh. Open your eyes. I know you can do it. Listen to me, please," Sirius continued more urgently. "Wake up. Please, Niamh, please."

Her eyelids fluttered.

"Yes!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Mr Black, please restrain yourself," Smethwyck said.

Sirius sent him a vicious glare, and then just ignored him. "Come on, Niamh. You can do this. Look at me, love."

Her eyelids moved again and slowly opened. Tiny slits of dark blue appeared under her lashes.

"Niamh," Sirius breathed in a strangled voice.

Her eyes opened further and they glided from left to right. Slowly they focussed on the man hovering over her. Her lips parted as if she wanted to say anything, but no sound came from her.

"There you are," Sirius smiled. "You've kept us waiting." He brought her fingers to his lips with a shaking hand and kissed them.

Niamh stared at him.

"Miss Carden, can you hear us?" Healer Shepard asked.

Her eyes closed slightly, but she turned them to him.

"She can," Smethwyck said eagerly. "She responded to you."

"Miss Carden," Shepard said slowly and articulately. "You are in St Mungo's Hospital. You're safe and you're going to be fine. Just rest."

Niamh looked at him a little longer, before her eyes unfocussed and she slipped back into unconsciousness.

"Niamh, no!" Sirius shouted, startled.

"Don't worry," Shepard comforted him. "She's only asleep now."

* * *

**A/N: So sorry I kept you waiting this long, but finally my exams are finished. Expect more regular updates from now on! Anyways, a quick but huge thank you to all my reviewers before I head to the beach (five days of great weather, very unusual...). Kendra-the hyper one, messr-paddifoots-love, allweknowisfalling (new reviewer yay!), Sirael, Domlando Blonaghan (was that film perhaps 'the recruit' with Colin Farrell?), Michelle (another new reviewer! Great to hear from you!), Jennie, Kurama-forever ( I hope you enjoyed the wedding, despite the long, long drive), CrystalPrincess13 (yet another new reviewer! Tnx!), albusbreaststroke (cliffhangers are a problem with 1st person stories, but hey, it was a good way to end the chapter :D), Mara (new reviewer! Tnx!) and the last new reviewer Pannychan22! Thanks very much for your thoughts. I hope you've enjoyed this chapter.**

**Witch of Eastwick**


	51. Putting Pieces Together

**A/N: Hi, everybody! .superman.is.my.lover, Kurama-forever, Jennie, twinsiren666 and Domlando Blonaghan, thanks for the reviews and the comliments! You make me all fuzzy inside :) Unfortunately this is one of the last chapters. There are three more left and then it's done.

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Putting Pieces Together

**St Mungo's Hospital**

I had a vague recollection of some faces floating in my vision, and a white ceiling behind them. I remembered different faces, some of which I knew and some that were unfamiliar. But mostly, everything was a black hole, except for the terrifying dreams that harassed me.

I recall drifting up sometimes, out of the thick, pitch-black darkness where I swam in. That's when I would see the faces. They would talk to me, but I didn't understand what they were so anxious about. It wasn't long before the inky shadows dragged me down again. But every time I drifted up, I managed to get a little further and watch the faces a little longer. And slowly but surely I began to hear their voices even while I was submerged in my own mind, pulling me out of the nightmares.

A brown-haired man with a very hypnotizing voice sat next to me a lot, reading books to me. Remus, I remembered his name was. I knew him well. At least, I thought I did. _Why else would he be so familiar?_

Then there was an old man, with a long, white beard and twinkling, blue eyes, though they were very grave when he looked at me. Why would he be? And what was his name again? I was supposed to know it, that I knew. _Ad… Adam… Al… Albert? Albus. That's it._

A couple that visited me together, although I saw the red-headed woman more often. She wore Healer's robes sometimes. Was she a Healer herself? _No, a Trainee Healer_, I thought, _like another one that appears all the time_. I didn't know his name, like I did Lily's, but I did know I didn't like him examining him. I didn't want to feel his hands touching my skin, but I couldn't tell him. My lips and tongue didn't work.

I missed someone. Someone I didn't see, but who should've been there. I remembered his voice calling out to me earlier, but why wasn't he here?

I opened my eyes. _Ah, the man called Remus is here again._ I had suspected it, because I could hear his voice. He was reading to me as usual.

Now he smiled. "There you are."

_Of course I am. I'm here all the time._ I peered at him. He didn't look too good. Quite peaky actually and rather pale. _Is the full moon approaching perhaps_? I frowned. _What does that have anything to do with it?_ I racked my brain, trying to figure it out.

"What is it? Are you in pain?" Remus asked worriedly. He snapped his book shut.

_Oh, right, Remus is a werewolf_. I frowned again. _Why doesn't that scare me? It should scare me, shouldn't it?_

"Should I get a Healer?"

_Please, anything but that._ I tried shaking my head.

"No? No Healer?"

_Ah, it works_. I decided to try something else.

"Are you smiling at me?" Remus asked surprised.

I did it again.

"You are, aren't you?"

_Is this Remus a simpleton?_ It felt as if the corners of my mouth were being pulled towards my ears. Of course I was smiling.

"Can you talk?" he inquired eagerly.

He certainly wasn't satisfied easily. Talk. Right. I would have to move my lips and my tongue and exhale, all at the same time. A dismal moan suddenly echoed through the room. I grimaced. _Did I do that?_

"Yeah, go on," Remus pressed. "You can do it."

I tried again. I settled for an easy word. "Hi." It came out strangely distorted and drawn out, but it was a word nonetheless.

Remus beamed painfully wide. "Hi." He grabbed my hand. I flinched. I wished people would just stop touching me. He noticed the change in me.

"What is it?" he asked.

Moving was easy compared to talking I decided. I pulled my hand out of his grasp with all my might. Remus looked at the uncomfortable squirming of my fingers.

"Oh," he said and let go. "I'm sorry." He folded his hands in his lap.

I regretted my actions immediately. I made an effort to say something, but what left my mouth was completely incoherent. My throat ached and my mouth was dry. _When was the last time I drank something? _

_A new goal._ I puckered my lips. "W…we...wa…" Then I moved my tongue up. "D…teh."

"What? Wa…teh? Water? You want some water?"

_Yes!_ I nodded. Remus stood instantly and moved out of my sight. I couldn't turn my head far enough to see him, but I heard him rummaging around. He returned with a glass and a straw.

_Right._ I had my water, which left only one problem. How to drink. Fortunately Remus spotted my insecurity and placed the straw between my lips. Breathing out wasn't the answer, and breathing in wasn't quite it either. Then it hit me. I had to suck the water through. Feeling exceptionally proud I managed to get the water through the straw. It flowed over my tongue and into my throat. On instinct I swallowed. It burned my sore throat, but it was delicious.

I really was getting the hang of it now and took a few more sips before Remus pulled the glass away from me. "Just a little," he explained. "Your throat and stomach are not completely healed yet."

_Is that why those Healers keep prodding my belly? To check if I'm healing properly?_ _Am I injured?_ I supposed I was, since I was in a hospital. _Why am I in a hospital? What has happened?_ It was all so vague.

"Miss Carden," a chipper voice said. "You're awake."

It was that Trainee Healer again.

"How are we feeling today?" he asked.

_Well, I don't know about you, but I am feeling pretty shitty_. It was a shame I hadn't managed to roll my eyes yet. _Merlin, he's doing it again._ He touched my forehead and then my neck. I recoiled instantly.

"No fever," the Healer mumbled, oblivious.

"Er… Hippocrates?" Remus began.

"Yes?"

"I don't think she likes to be touched," he said carefully. "Earlier she tried to get her hand out of mine and I think she just shied away from you."

_Thank you, Remus. Always so observant. Was that another snippet of information that just popped up in my head? Remus, observant. James, funny. Pete, endearing. Lily, fiery. Sirius, loyal._

_Sirius, oh God._ Unexpectedly flashes appeared before my eyes. Him screaming in shock and horror, being held back. Him twisting in obvious agony. Him standing proudly, but bruised. Him wrapping his arm around me briefly before I was torn away from him.

I moaned. _Where did that come from?_ _Those are just nightmares from when I'm asleep, aren't they? Aren't they? What is going on here, for Merlin's sake? _

"Niamh?" Remus asked concerned. "What's wrong with her?"

"Are you in pain, Miss Carden?" the Healer pried.

_No. Yes! What is happening to me? What _has_ happened to me? Stop touching me!_ I tried to shake the Healer's hand off, but it lay heavily on my shoulder. Too heavy. _Get off! Get off!_ I gulped for air, feeling smothered.

"Miss Carden!"

"Niamh!"

I panicked when the Healer pointed his wand at me, but then I felt so sleepy all of a sudden. I had to close my eyes. I couldn't stay awake… I had to…

* * *

I slept a lot, but every time I woke my heart was beating fast and irregular. Sleeping was not very comforting, because of those awful images that haunted me. I'd much rather stay awake, but I was being fed Sleeping Potions every night. I'd been dozing the entire morning when a sound woke me. I looked around and discovered I could do it much more easily than before. 'Before' was a vague classification though. I had no idea how long I'd been here already. 

Remus was there again, this time with Lily. I smiled.

They smiled back.

"Hi."

Positively gleaming with joy they greeted me back. _Well, if a simple 'hi' can have them be elated like that…_ "Lil…ie."

She smiled even wider, though her eyes were brimming with tears now. _Am I such a ghastly sight?_ I reckoned asking for a mirror was not the best of ideas.

"How are you feeling?" Remus wanted to know.

"O…kay."

This sluggishness was frustrating me to no end. I wanted to ask so many things, but my mouth simply wouldn't cooperate. And my body was so slow responding to my commands. I wanted to know why!

"W…whe…re is Siw…Si…Siri…yus?"

"Sirius?" Remus repeated. He shared a look with Lily I didn't understand. "He's out on patrol. He's been here often, but you were asleep every time. You keep missing each other."

_Oh. What is my connection to Sirius anyway? Why do I react so strongly to him, even if it's just his name? Why is he part of my nightmares? _

"James and Peter have been here to see you too," Lily added.

"And Lana too," Remus smirked.

_Lana? Ah, right, she's a friend._

"We couldn't let her in, of course, because we had no way of telling if it was really her," he explained. "She was quite angry, threatening to cook your guards' balls if they didn't let her in."

I smiled.

"Though I was fairly certain it was her when she started giving the guards the exact recipe," Remus admitted.

I burst out laughing, a hideously wheezy and croaky sound that hurt my throat. But it was progress. Then it hit me, my laugh dying in my throat. _Guards? Why do I have guards?_

"Gua…ds? Why?"

Lily blinked in confusion. "Guards? To protect you of course. You are still very much in danger. Now more than ever."

"Why?"

"Oh, bloody hell," Remus groaned. "You don't remember?"

_Remember WHAT? _I shook my head, beginning to feel rather uneasy.

"Er… I have to talk to the Healer," he said hurriedly and stood. "I'll be right back."

I looked at Lily for an explanation, who tried to smile comfortingly. It didn't help. "Lily?" I asked, the urgency making me more articulate.

She looked uneasy. "We'll just wait for Healer Shepard. He'll know what to do."

Someone sauntered in, but it wasn't Healer Shepard. "You're awake!" Sirius said surprised, and rather taken aback, right before a huge grin appeared on his face.

It felt like the air was forced out of my lungs as I looked at him. With the power of a bludger it had just hit me. I wasn't having nightmares. It had never_ been_ a nightmare. Those dreams, those images in my head, they were real. It all rushed back into my head. Voldemort, Sirius, Lucius, Bellatrix, Severus, my father, Evan…

I screamed.

The Healer rushed in. "What is the meaning of this?" he bellowed.

I couldn't stop. The raspy sound coming from my mouth hurt my ears, but I couldn't stop. Sirius's eyes had magnified into huge, startled orbs. He looked as if he'd been punched in the face. Lily had clasped her hands over her mouth, near crying.

I had no choice but to look at Sirius. His face had triggered the flood of memories and I needed to know all of it. My face was taut, my eyes bulging, and my mouth wide open. I must have looked like a banshee, but I couldn't help myself, not even when I noticed the hurt I was inflicting on Sirius.

"Get him out!" Shepard shouted, pointing at Sirius, who led himself be led along meekly by Remus, his face still shocked.

"Miss Carden," the Healer soothed. "Calm down, miss."

"Don't… touch… me," I breathed raggedly when he grabbed my hand. "Go…'way."

"Miss Carden, you need to calm down," he tried again.

"Go…'way!" I hissed. "Leave!" _Go away, go away, go away, go away!_

Shepard nodded at Lily. "We'll be right outside if you need us."

_Finally!_

I leaned back in my pillows, trembling now I knew what had happened to me. I touched my throat, which was still bandaged, and then looked at my wrist, which appeared to be healed. I could move it without pain. A flash of a boot stepping on it appeared in my head. I shuddered when I could almost hear the sickening crack it had made.

There was a small crease in my bottom lip I noticed when I ran my tongue over it. I could barely hold back a gag, remembering Evan's forceful touch.

In shock I stared out of the window, not being able to do anything, to think anything. I could feel a vicious headache coming up. _Captured. Tortured. Raped…_ _I've been ra – by Evan_. Lucius had reduced me to nothing more than a piece of flesh and it was a humiliation that struck me to my core, but Evan… That was personal. My face burned with disgust and shame.

_How long have I been here? Where is Evan? And Lucius?_

I gritted my teeth and inched closer to the edge of the bed. _Enough of this! I will not be reduced to a helpless plant as well! _The floor was a mile away but I scooted my legs over the edge, sliding down. I crumpled into a heap on the floor straight away, my knees bruised by the hard floor. I breathed heavily, almost snorting like a horse.

In a surge of anger I grabbed the frame of the bed and heaved myself to my feet, trying to control my wobbly legs. I leaned on the bed for a moment, becoming more and more enraged. The hands that stuck out of the sleeves of my nightgown were thin and bony, my skin a yellowish colour. My anger flared up once again. I relished in it; it made me able to stand. I would_ not_ be overcome. It was a resolve that burned brightly in my chest, fed by resentment and fury.

I shuffled to the wall to use it to get out of this room. I fell to my knees three times before I reached the door, but I forced myself to get up, despite my breath that was grating past my throat. Stars danced in my vision when I grabbed the door handle. I froze. Sirius's voice had never been quiet and dulcet; it carried easily through the hallway.

"Stop telling me it'll be okay, Remus! Didn't you see her face?"

"Look, she had just told us she didn't remember what happened. I guess seeing you triggered it somehow. It caught her by surprise just as much as it did us."

I heard a pained, humourless laugh. "Of course I triggered it. It's all my fault to begin with."

"Will you stop that? It is not your fault."

"Did you see – you saw her face. God, she looked at me as if _I_ were the one who – who… I've never seen her like that. She was scared of me. She's never been scared of me, no matter what I did or said. Never. But back there, she was terrified. Because of me."

I knew I had hurt him with my reaction, but I couldn't deal with that on top of everything else. I was already on the verge of losing it completely, I feared. I squared my jaw and swung the door open, staggering outside.

"Niamh!" I heard them both gasp. They dashed towards me.

I stopped them with a fierce look. "Tell me… what… ha… ppened. How... found?"

"Just get back to bed first," Remus insisted and made a move to take my elbow.

I drew back, away from him. "Walk… myself!" I hissed.

"Okay," he replied calmly, raising his hands.

I turned around, willing the dizziness to disappear, and dragged myself back into the room. I didn't meet Sirius's gaze. I knew I should apologize, but I was too preoccupied with my own feelings. I only fell once on my way back, making Sirius and Remus back off with a glare, and climbed back in bed with difficulty. Sirius looked ready to burst, as if he couldn't bear seeing me like this. _Well, I can't bear seeing myself like this either!_

I raised my eyebrows expectantly.

"Moody and Dumbledore got you two out," Remus began. "You sent Lily a Patronus, didn't you, to ask about Sirius?"

I nodded.

"She didn't know where he was, but she was worried, so she sent James a message, who she knew was still at work. He told her Sirius had left hours ago. She sent another Patronus to you, but you didn't respond. And neither did Sirius."

I'd already been at the Death Eater gathering. I nodded at Remus again to make him continue, but it was Sirius who opened his mouth, trying to catch my eyes with his, but I wouldn't let him. He sighed once, but began to talk anyway.

"Lily was worried that neither of us answered and went to Auror Headquarters. She and James rallied the Order, but there was nothing they could do. They had no idea where we were. On top of that, Dorcas didn't respond either and when Moody sent a few Aurors to investigate they found her dead."

Now I looked at Sirius. We had known that. Voldemort had taunted us with his plan.

"It'd been hours without any word from either of you," Remus chipped in when Sirius stayed silent, "so Moody put the Aurors and the Ministry on full alert. He received a message from a Chief Police Officer – you know Moody has connections with almost all of them – that something suspicious was going on. Something not Muggle."

"What?" I croaked.

"Two young Muggle boys had come running to the police station that the old, deserted Queshire mansion was filling up with people in strange costumes. When two police officers were sent to investigate it, they didn't come back. The boys, too curious for their own good, had returned to the mansion and witnessed the murders. They described it as green flashes. That's when the Chief of Police was contacted and he alerted Moody."

_Saved by Muggles. Now that's irony. _

"The entire Auror force and the Order were sent to that house," Sirius said. "They managed to arrest a few Death Eaters, but in the chaos most of them got away."

"I… have… names," I said.

"They're all covering each other. Malfoy is already released from all charges. Bellatrix and Rodolphus too. The rest all have alibis."

_Lucius! _I hissed in anger. "Evan?"

"He's still on the loose. Moody says he's identified him at the mansion – I don't know if that's true, actually. But he won't get away with it. And four are already in Azkaban. Alecto and Amycus Carrows, Dolohov, Karkaroff. Travers is dead."

Good, but not enough.

"Get… me… out of… this… hospital."


	52. Dust of a Young Dream

**A/N: Hello everyone! Ericana, Kurama-forever, .superman.is.my.lover., tyana: thanks for your reviews and I think you'll be glad to know there are four chapters left instead of three. This one turned out too long. So, I hope you enjoy it and let me know!

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Dust of a Young Dream

Sirius was extremely guarded around me. He was so careful not to scare me that it nearly drove me insane. I knew I was acting completely irrationally, but I just couldn't stop myself. Whenever he was away – which happened more and more frequently – I needed him with me. When he _did_ come to see me, I just wanted to get away from him. Dealing with what had happened to us took all of my strength. I could not handle Sirius's problems on top of that.

Despite my insistence to get out of that hospital, the Healers forced me to stay another two weeks. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs when they refused to let me go. I felt so caged and restless. Not to mention scared, although I refused to admit that. When they finally did discharge me, now five weeks ago, I stalked out of the ward without looking back. It might have seemed terribly rude and ungrateful, but I was simmering with anger because of the enforced lock-up.

I was grateful for Lily's support. She didn't know, but I had overheard her yelling at the Healer-in-charge – not such a smart thing to do for a Trainee Healer – for forcing me to stay.

"You'd think a Healer-in-charge would be a little more considerate!" she'd shouted. "Forcing a victim of rape! I'm surprised she didn't fly at your throat immediately, because I WOULD HAVE!"

Though any reference to what had happened made me cringe, I was relieved that at least one person understood what was going on inside my head.

I shifted on the sofa I was sitting on. In hiding. I had become one of the persons the Order had to protect. I now fully appreciated how difficult it was to be a person in hiding. To be scared every moment of the day, to jump at every strange sound, to never be alone… They did not allow me any time to brood. I scoffed. It probably said enough that I was referring to my friends as 'they'. I wanted nothing more than to sit in a corner and bask in my fury. I most certainly did not want to talk about it, which was what they wanted me to do.

Not everyone though. Sirius could not talk about it. We couldn't talk to each other either. There was this huge gulf between us and neither of us knew how to cross it. I realised that the painful awkwardness that existed between us when he came to visit hurt him, but I was at a loss as to how to fix that. I was so caught up in myself I doubt I even noticed half of his turmoil.

Remus tried to talk to us separately, but could not improve anything either.

And I, to be honest, all I could think about was getting revenge. I spent hours thinking on the most painful ways to kill everyone who had harmed me, Evan in particular. It was a very unhealthy way of coping, but it worked. Though I still shuddered with disgust every time Evan's name was mentioned, it did not cause the emotional upheaval that it did when I'd just come out of my coma.

Still, it was hard to look in the mirror. In spite of the Healers' reassurances that the scars on my face would not be permanent, they stared back at me in my reflection. Right in the middle of my forehead and on my bottom lip. The scar in my neck would probably never fade. My voice was still hoarse, although that did get better.

My guard entered the room. I sighed and looked up from the book I was pretending to read.

James smiled. "Do you want something to eat? 'Cause I'm starving."

I shook my head. "I'm not hungry."

His eyes slid over my figure. "Maybe you should try to eat something anyway."

I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes. I was fully aware of the fact that I looked like a scarecrow. My hair was dull and my skin greyish. But I did not need to be reminded of it. "No, thank you."

James nodded and went back into the kitchen. I glanced around the tiny living room, already regretting that I'd snapped at him. I didn't know what was wrong with me. And everybody was so bloody understanding! The urge to pick fights got the better of me every time someone said something to me. I just wished someone would take me on. But no, they just nodded and smiled indulgingly, pretending I hadn't said a thing. I wanted to scream. But I didn't. They were my friends.

The only guards I had were Remus, Pete, James, Lily, and Sirius. And Dumbledore. He wanted as little people as possible to know my whereabouts. I knew he still suspected there was a leak in the Order somewhere and wanted no more people to know where I was.

I was startled by the doorbell ringing. The sound of James's footsteps moved from the kitchen to the front door. "Who's there?" he asked gruffly. I had no doubt his wand was pointed at the door. I clutched my fingers around my own brand-new wand.

I heard the door open and two male voices mumbling something. Sirius appeared in the doorway. "Hi," he said.

"Hi."

"How are you?"

"I'm fine," I answered automatically.

I cringed when I saw him nod dejectedly to himself as if he knew I was lying and not confiding in him. "Really, I am," I insisted.

Sirius gave me a strained smile. He did that a lot lately. He didn't buy my lies about how I felt. "Of course you are."

I felt guilty immediately. _Merlin! Why does everything have to be so bloody hard? _

He remained standing in the doorway. He hadn't been close to me – let alone touch me – since that day in the hospital when I had screamed at him. I missed him. I missed how things were between us. And yet, when I pictured him close to me again I panicked, freaked out even. It was too much. Just looking at him made that night replay itself in my head. When I saw Sirius, I saw Evan. I saw Lucius, my father, Voldemort, Severus. It was enough for me to want him out of my sight.

I was a wreck. And I refused to be helped.

Sirius cleared his throat. I realised I'd been staring at him. "I have some… good news," he said.

"What?"

"Rosier is dead."

My book fell to the floor. "What?" I repeated, thinking I had not heard him correctly.

"He's dead. Moody found him and he refused to come along, so he killed him," he explained.

"He's dead," I whispered. I closed my eyes. Everything would be fine now. I didn't have to fear the doorbell anymore. I didn't have to fear sleep anymore. I didn't have to fear looking out the window anymore. I would never have to see his face again. Everything would be fine now.

* * *

I couldn't have been more wrong. Things did not get any better. I still felt trapped inside myself and my hiding place; I couldn't deal with Sirius any better than before Evan's death; I was still scared all night… 

To make matters even worse, my hiding place was discovered. I'd been oblivious to what was going on outside, caught up in my brooding, until I heard shouts outside. I grabbed my wand and peeked through the curtains. James was fending off two Death Eaters.

"Remus!" I screamed.

Remus hurtled downstairs. "What?"

"We've been found!" I gasped. I was so scared it seemed my muscles had turned into stone. The sight of the two figures in their billowing, black robes and white masks paralysed me. "No," I breathed, my voice somewhere between a sob and a groan.

Remus leaped towards the window and jerked the curtain aside. One of the Death Eaters noticed the movement and aimed his wand at the window. Both of us ducked but fortunately the charms stayed intact and warded the curse off.

"I have to help him," Remus said. "Run for it! Disapparate!"

He flew out of the door. I Apparated to the spot that Dumbledore had appointed in case anything went wrong and sent my Patronus to him. I waited for a long time in the tiny cottage, leaning against an old sofa with my legs drawn up against my chin, gripping my wand tightly. Cynically I wondered if this was how the rest of my life was going to turn out. A useless liability. Thanks to me the Order now had no idea what was going on inside Voldemort's ranks and still there was a leak.

"Niamh!" a concerned voice called. Sirius ran inside, his wand drawn.

"I'm here," I said.

"Thank Merlin," he breathed. "Are you hurt?"

"No, I'm fine."

Something around his mouth tightened when I kept him at distance once again. Not that he tried to come closer. He was as torn as I was.

"Okay," he replied. "Let's go. I'm bringing you to a safe place."

I scrambled to my feet. "Where are we going?"

"Another house. Lily is already there. It was her idea."

"What idea?" I frowned. "Are James and Remus all right?"

"Yeah, they chased them away. Couldn't capture one of them though," Sirius answered. "Hold on, I'll Apparate us."

Such a short sentence it was, but it meant I would have to cross an abyss, or step off a precipice. _Hold on._

Sirius realised it too. He held out his arm.

I stood frozen. I couldn't do this.

"I won't hurt you."

He spoke so softly I thought I'd misheard him. "I would never hurt you," he repeated. He kept his face expressionless, but I knew I had cut him deeply. Again.

What was wrong with me? This was the man I loved! Who loved me!

"Sorry," I mumbled. "I just… Sorry."

I took the few steps necessary to stand next to him and placed my hand on his arm. Sirius didn't say anything, but merely turned on the spot and Disapparated. The familiar feeling of being squeezed in a too tiny spot overcame me until I found my footing in a small garden. It seemed to be a backyard. Somewhere I could hear the sound of Muggle cars on a road and some children were playing nearby.

Sirius stepped away from me immediately. Though he did it out of consideration, I still felt abandoned. I scolded myself for being an unreasonable hag.

Lily waited for us in the kitchen. She did not ask how I was, for which I was thankful. "Did you have any trouble?" she asked instead, her eyes on Sirius. He shook his head.

"Where are we?" I asked.

"A Muggle house," Lily answered. Her eyes glittered triumphantly. "Voldemort will look for you everywhere, but he'll never expect you to become a Muggle."

I forgot to breathe for a moment. "You want me to live as a Muggle?"

"Yes."

"But I don't know the first thing about being a Muggle," I replied snappishly. "And how the hell did they find me in the first place?"

"We think they followed James," Sirius said. "He said he was almost at your house when he heard them."

I cursed under my breath.

"I thought it was a good idea," Lily mumbled.

My head shot up. "It is. It is a good idea, Lily. And you're right. They'll never look for me here. Mostly because they assume that I don't have a clue how the Muggle world works. Which is true."

Lily burst out laughing. "Well, that's what you have me for. I'll teach you."

"I'd better go," Sirius said. "Dumbledore will want a report. I'll put up the wards before I leave."

"Thanks, Sirius," Lily said. Her eyes were skipping between him and me, as if the tension between us was visible.

"Yeah, thanks," I nodded quickly.

He hurried out of the kitchen as if a manticore chased him.

Lily sighed. "Don't blame him. He's hurt too."

_Oh Merlin. Oh Merlin. Don't cry. Don't you dare cry!_

I blinked furiously, turning my back on her. I refused to cry – I couldn't cry. The last time I cried was when Evan was prevented from raping me a second time by the return of Voldemort. The memory of that was enough to dry all the tears in my eyes. "I know," I said to Lily. "I just… I have a lot on my mind and I can't deal with everything at once."

She was silent. For a moment I wondered why, until I realised I hadn't denied blaming Sirius. Did I blame him? As much as I blamed myself. And that was a lot. I groaned softly. My head was one big mess.

"I'll show you around," Lily said softly.

"Yeah, thanks." _First things first._

* * *

I should've realised all hell would break loose eventually. So much pent up anger and hurt. Sirius nor I could hide from each other forever. And it was such a stupid reason to start a fight. Well, perhaps not. It was a huge part of our problems. 

I'd been a week or two in my new hiding place, trying to live like a Muggle to fit in with my neighbours. I lived in an average neighbourhood, on an average street, with average neighbours. An elderly couple on my left and a young family on my right. The houses were small, but charming. I'd told my neighbours I'd been in a car accident, hence the scars. I hid the one on my neck under a shawl.

Old Mrs Vaughn had warned me about a large, black dog her husband had seen walking around. "He said it was quite a frightening looking dog," she'd whispered.

"I'm sure he's harmless," I'd smiled. "Just a stray."

So when Sirius came to visit me, I raised an eyebrow and said, "You're scaring the neighbours."

He didn't respond. It was so unlike him not to respond to my comments. It illustrated how bad things were between us. I saw him trying to decide whether I'd meant it in a funny or an angry way. He never used to have any problems reading me. I sighed.

"They'll get used to me," he shrugged. He was standing in the middle of the living room. He didn't sit down when I did and I didn't ask him to. To do that would be giving in to the awkward formality that had replaced the almost subconscious intimacy we used to have.

"So…" he began. "How've you been doing?"

I studied my hands. "Fine."

"For fuck's sake, Niamh!" he suddenly burst out.

My head jerked upwards in shock. I'd clearly missed the frustration that was now more than evident in his eyes.

"You're not fine!" he snapped. "You're anything but fine!"

"God, Sirius," I huffed. "What do you expect? You don't have to ask me every single time you see me, you know."

"Well, excuse me for caring about you," he drawled acidly.

"I said I was fine!" I replied angrily. "Can't we just leave it at that?"

"No, we can't!" he shouted. "We won't leave it at that!" He ran his hands through his hair. "Merlin, why won't you talk to me?" There was so much desperation in his voice.

"What's there to talk about?" I shrugged. "We both know what happened. No need to hark back."

Sirius began to pace the room. "You've locked yourself in your own tiny, little world and you refuse to let anyone in. I just want to help. Will you _just_ tell me what I need to do?"

"Why?" I snarled viciously. "So you can feel better?"

_Oh God. _I regretted it the moment it left my mouth. Sirius took a step back as if I'd slapped him.

"So you do blame me," he deducted, strangely calm.

"I didn't say that," I denied weakly.

"Oh, you did," he scoffed. He shook his head.

I thought it was in disbelief. And so I made another mistake. "Well, you told me yourself you tried to take on eight Death Eaters."

"What the hell are you saying, Niamh?" he demanded, his voice rising in anger. "If you want to blame me, just do it properly and say it!"

Something snapped. "Fine! I will! Why the hell would you do that?" I screamed. "Eight! EIGHT! You knew the risks! I asked you not to take any risks after Caradoc died and you promised me! You're just too bloody stupid to be sensible. It doesn't always pay to be the hero, Sirius! Look what happened! Look what happened to me because of YOU!"

Sirius's face twisted. "Oh, yeah? How convenient that you forget that you KNEW something was wrong when I didn't answer your message!"

"What?"

"That's what you said to Remus, didn't you? That you were so concerned for me and sent messages to Lily, that you had a feeling something was off." He scoffed resentfully. "Didn't I ask the same of you, Niamh? To be careful, to not take risks when you thought something was wrong. I believe it was the very same night before all that shit happened. You seemed to have forgotten about it a whole lot sooner, haven't you?"

"That's…" I stuttered. "Are you saying it's my own fault?"

"Don't you twist my words," he growled. "I'm saying that you should look at yourself before you start blaming everyone around you!"

"I'm not blaming everyone!" I screamed at him. "I'm blaming you!"

Sirius's face was bright-red with anger. "I don't give a damn! How concerned you were…" he sneered. "Sure, but not enough to forget about your Death Eater meeting and find out where I was, were you? Ever thought about that? None of it would've happened if you'd done just that!"

I couldn't believe he'd just said that to me. "I hate you!" I hissed. "Get out of my sight!"

He took two steps towards me, fury in his eyes. Before I knew what I was doing, I'd stumbled backwards, breathing, "No!"

Sirius stopped dead in his tracks, his face turning an ashy white. He stared in shock at me.

I tried to regain some composure to hide the fear that had suddenly bubbled up. "Please just leave," I said through clenched teeth.

Sirius nodded bitterly. "Well, I guess we've got nothing more to say to each other, do we?"

I turned my back on him, cringing when the door slammed shut. I found that I could still cry.


	53. Flight

**A/N: .superman.is.my.lover., Strawberry Couture, Kurama-forever, Mara, Jennie, Sirael, Yoshikuni Asuka, albusbreaststroke and Domlando Blonaghan: Thanks for your great - albeit sad - reviews! Chapter 51 was a hard one to write and you let me know that the chappie worked. So thank you!  
This is the last chapter in 1981 (but I'm not finished yet), let me know what you think!**

**Love, WoE**

**

* * *

**

**Flight**

**Sirius's flat**

Remus smelled the alcohol the moment he stepped into his friend's flat. "Sirius?" he called. There was no answer. "Sirius, are you home?"

He heard the sound of something shattering in the kitchen, but no reply. Furrowing his brow and drawing his wand, he marched towards the sound and found Sirius sitting at the kitchen table, his arms folded on the table-top and his head resting on his arms. A half empty bottle of Firewhisky stood on the table, while another lay shattered on the tiles.

Sirius slowly lifted his head. "Hi there, Moony. Wanna join me?"

"Merlin's beard, you're completely trashed."

"Very perceptive of you," Sirius slurred. "What happened to the other bottle?"

"You dropped it."

"Ah well, at least it was empty. Would've been a waste if I'd dropped this one." He held said bottle up and took a swig, leaning back in his chair.

Remus sighed and pointed his wand at the mess on the floor. "_Evanesco! _Sirius, is there a reason why you're pissed as a newt? And shouldn't you be with Niamh tonight?"

Sirius gave a bitter bark-like laugh. "She doesn't want to see me anymore. Can't stand the sight of me." He swallowed, his face becoming even more miserable. "Not that I blame her." He laughed at his own choice of words. "But she does blame me."

"No, she doesn't," Remus said softly.

"She does! Told me so herself. Screamed it at me, in fact."

Remus sat himself at the kitchen table too and took the bottle out of Sirius's hand. "She didn't mean it that way."

"Really? So which part of 'I don't blame everyone, I blame you' did I misunderstand?" He jerked the bottle from Remus's grasp and downed half of the remaining content. "And what about 'look at what happened to me because of you'? Her meaning was pretty clear to me, but feel free to enlighten me."

"Listen, Sirius," Remus said gently. "Even if she did say all those things, I don't think she meant it that way. Maybe she was just angry. She told me herself that she felt guilty about going to that Death Eater meeting. And I told her you felt guilty about fighting those Death Eaters."

Sirius threw an arm in the air. "That's what I said."

"What did you say?" Remus demanded. Knowing Sirius's inflammable temper, he dreaded the answer.

"That she ought to look at her own actions before putting all the blame on me."

Remus gave a weary sigh. "I suppose she didn't take it too well?"

"No." Sirius slumped in his seat. "Merlin, I don't even know why I said that. Well, yes I do, because it's true. And it's my fault too." He leaned his elbows on the table. "I shouldn't have said it, but I was just so angry. She won't let me in; she won't let me help her. She doesn't even see me. Does she think it's been easy for me?"

"No, she doesn't."

Sirius's voice was hoarse with choked-back tears. "How am I supposed to live with the fact that I've done nothing while they raped her? That I let them – I should've protected her. That it only happened because they captured me? I might as well have raped her myself."

Remus cringed. "Don't say that."

Sirius stared at the bottle in his hand. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment to get himself under control. "Do you know what it feels like, Moony? Do you have any idea how it feels to see the woman you love cower from you? Because she's scared? She just looked at me with those big, blue eyes, afraid of me. God, Remus, it's killing me. And I can't reach her. I don't know what to do."

Remus put his hand on his friend's shoulder when he buried his head in his arms. "We'll figure something out. It just takes time."

Sirius remained silent, his face still hidden by his arms.

"Come on," Remus said, getting to his feet. "Let's get you to bed. You need to sleep it off." He pulled Sirius up and slung his arm around him. Sirius let him and leaned against his friend, too exhausted to put up a fight.

Remus managed to drag the larger wizard to his bed and dropped him on the covers. He took off Sirius's shoes and heaved his legs on the bed.

Sprawled out, Sirius groaned, "I don't feel so good, Moony."

Remus snorted. "I reckon you don't. I'll leave a bucket next to your bed and I'll bring you a Numbing Potion later for your hangover."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome." Remus pulled the covers out from under Sirius's body and covered him with it.

"Remus?"

"Yeah?"

"What am I going to do?"

Remus hesitated, but Sirius didn't seem to wa

nt an answer. His eyes closed slowly as he slipped into an alcohol-induced sleep.

"I don't know, Sirius. I don't know."

* * *

Remus Flooed himself to Dumbledore's office at Hogwarts. 

"Remus, wonderful to see you," the Headmaster said as his former pupil brushed some soot off his robes. "Care for a lemon drop?"

"No, thank you. I've come to talk to you about Niamh and Sirius."

"Ah, sit down. What happened?"

"How do you know something happened, sir?" Remus frowned.

"I knew something would eventually," Dumbledore said simply. "By the look on your face it just has."

"They had a fight," Remus sighed. "About who's to blame. From what I've heard from Sirius, they've said some awful things to each other. I found Sirius at home, with enough alcohol to kill a hippogriff. They're driving each other up the wall. I don't know how much longer they can hold on."

Dumbledore nodded. "And how are you?"

Remus blinked. "What's that got to do with it, sir? I've tried to talk to them. I know they both blame themselves, and since a few hours also each other." He rubbed his hands over his face. "Sirius asked me what he should do, but I – I have no idea. I don't know what to do. They're driving each other crazy."

Dumbledore leaned back in his chair.

"It's not fair!" Remus burst out. "They shouldn't have to deal with this. They should be able to have a normal marriage, without death and torture. They're too young for this. We're _all_ too young for this."

Dumbledore looked at the distraught young man sitting opposite him. "I know, but age is of little consequence now. They need some time to come to terms with what happened."

"We don't _have_ time. I know she hates it, but we can't leave Niamh alone. She needs to be guarded in case there's another attack."

"Exactly."

"What do you mean, sir?"

"I've talked to Niamh myself and she has told me it's very difficult for her to not be able to do anything. And from what you tell me, it is obvious that she needs some time to herself. She won't be able to heal when Sirius is so close around."

Remus's face fell. "Does she hate him that much?"

"No, she doesn't. But she needs to find a way to cope."

"And she can't do that with him around," Remus finished. "Not when he's around to remind her of their mistakes." He did not like it one bit, but something had to be done. "So, what do you suggest we do?"

Dumbledore carefully placed the tips of his fingers together. "I suggest we let her do what's she good at. Gathering information." He held up a hand when Remus began to protest. "Not here. It would be too dangerous for her to even leave her house. However, Niamh speaks perfect French and I happen to need wizards and witches to keep their eyes open abroad."

"You want to send Niamh to France?" Remus asked incredulously.

"For a while. Until they both get back on their feet. Maybe then they'll be able to help each other."

"Won't it just make it worse?"

"Can it get any worse?"

Remus grimaced. "Fair enough."

* * *

**Dover**

My heart was beating loudly in my chest. I was standing in front of something called a Departure Terminal. I was to go to France on a ferry, a Muggle ship. After all, I was pretending to be a Muggle.

_I have no idea what I'm doing._

I turned around to say goodbye.

"Be careful," Lily said. "And if you need advice on how to be a Muggle, just write to me."

"I will," I smiled and looked at the man next to her. "Remus, thanks for everything."

"You'll be fine," he said. I nodded.

James and Pete couldn't make it because of their jobs, but Sirius was there, standing a little to the left. We'd not talked much since our fight. We hadn't apologized either. Remus had told me Sirius didn't want me to leave. He hadn't said anything to me though.

"Bye," I whispered. I took in his tall figure, wearing jeans and a leather jacket, his hair too long. It hurt.

Sirius looked down at me and smiled, tucking his hands in his pockets. It was the same strained smile I'd seen every time since I woke up. Not a real smile.

"Good luck," he said. "We'll see you in a few months."

_We'll see you… Not _I'll_ see you. _I scoffed inwardly at myself. _That's your own fault._

"Yeah," I merely replied. "Be careful everyone."

I detected a flicker of disappointment in Sirius's eyes.

"Bye."

"Bye."

I picked up my bag and turned around, making my way to the Departure Terminal. I lost myself in a confusing swirl of thoughts. I finally felt like I could breathe a little, but I also felt like I was running away from my problems like a coward, leaving my friends to fight.

"Your ticket, miss," a Muggle woman in a uniform said.

I gave it to her. She smiled. "Have a pleasant journey."

"Thank you," I choked out. I walked on. Had I turned my head, I would've seen Sirius staring after me.

* * *

I spent two months in Paris to establish some contacts. During the summer I went to Bordeaux and Nantes, doing the same. Dumbledore had provided me with some names, which were my starting point. 

Now, in the fall, I returned to Paris and worked from there. I still lived in the Muggle world as much as I could. It seemed to work. I'd not been attacked once. Their bigotry prevented pure-bloods from fathoming the idea of a pure-blood witch living as a Muggle voluntarily. It had taken quite some getting used to and I still found myself reaching for my wand whenever I was doing chores around my flat, but all in all it was not too bad.

I didn't hear much from my friends. All mail was sent via the Muggle post. I sent my letters to an address in Sussex and I had several addresses in several cities. I knew all mail meant for me first went to Dumbledore, who sent it to me. He was the only one who knew where I was.

I'd deducted from that fact and the letters I received from Lily that someone very close to us was leaking information. Lily had written to me that she and James and Harry were going into hiding. They'd already changed address thrice.

I hadn't heard from them in a while now though. I didn't think anything was wrong – Dumbledore would've told me.

I'd received letters from Sirius too, full of wishes that I was doing okay. I was. I was doing better. I'd desperately needed some air to breathe and something to do to take my mind off everything that had happened. Remus had written too, long letters in a meticulous handwriting, telling me everything that was going on. Hadn't heard from him in a while too though.

Hence my surprise when I saw him suddenly sitting on my doorstep when I returned from investigating a rumour one afternoon at the start of November. How did he know where I lived?

"Remus?" I asked surprised, walking towards him. He held his head in his hands, his elbows resting on his knees. I gasped when he looked up. "Merlin, you look horrible."

"Thanks," he said wryly. His hair was unkempt, his tie askew, and his robes were not buttoned up. His face was worn and there were shadows under his eyes that were as black as ink.

Quickly I glanced around. My Muggle neighbours would certainly raise a few eyebrows at the strangely clad man. Why was he here anyway? I asked him. The sigh that left him was the most weary I'd ever heard. "We should get inside first."

I was really beginning to get worried. "Is everything all right? Did something happen to Sirius?"

Remus's face twisted. "Inside. I can't –" he choked. "I can't tell you out here."

Nervously I rummaged through my purse in search of my keys. With shaking hands in opened the door and ushered him inside. "Tell me what happened," I demanded as soon as I'd closed the door.

He looked at me in desperation. "James and Lily are dead."

"Wh – what did you say?"

"They're dead. Voldemort killed them."

I stared at him. I said the only thing I could think of. "Are you certain?"

"Yes, Niamh, for Merlin's sake! Their house is completely destroyed. Harry is –"

"Oh my God, Harry!" I shrieked. "Not him. He's just a baby!"

"Harry is alive," Remus assured me. "It's all very strange, but somehow he survived Avada Kedavra. Voldemort is gone. Harry destroyed him."

"Voldemort is gone? How's that possible?" I breathed. "Is – is Harry okay?"

"Yeah, just a cut on his forehead. He's with his aunt and uncle now. They're going to take care of him."

"What do you mean?" I frowned. "_I'm_ his godmother. And Sirius his godfather."

Again that strangely contorted look when I mentioned Sirius's name. Suddenly it clicked. "Merlin, what happened to Sirius?" I moaned. "Not him too."

"No," Remus denied. "Not Sirius. Pete is dead." He plummeted onto my sofa. "I'm so sorry, Niamh. I can't begin to tell you – I'm so sorry."

"Sorry for what?" I screamed. "What the hell happened, Remus?"

"Sirius killed Pete."

My mouth snapped shut. "Don't be ridiculous! Pete is one of his best friends. You're not making any sense!"

"Sirius sold Lily and James to Voldemort, Niamh!" Remus shouted raggedly. "He betrayed us all!"

"Have you completely lost your mind?" I shouted back. "Sirius would never – he hates – you know how much he hates Voldemort. Why are you doing this, Remus?"

"Because it's true. Sirius is the spy."

My lip began to tremble. "No, he's not."

"James and Lily only told Sirius where they were hiding. They used the Fidelius Charm. A week later they were dead, the Charm was lifted, and Sirius was on the run. Pete went after him – stupid idiot, he knew Sirius was so much more powerful. Sirius killed him in a street full of Muggles. Along with twelve other people. He's in Azkaban now."

I could hear my own breathing, unnaturally fast. "No," I said. "No. It's just – no. No. Sirius would never – he loves James as a brother. Harry is his godson. Pete is his friend."

"He fooled us all," Remus sighed. His shoulders were hunched like those of a broken man.

"No." I could not believe this. "No, listen for a moment, Remus. There must be some sort of mistake. This is Sirius we're talking about. You can't just believe that he would do that."

"Niamh," Remus began wearily. "Don't you think I've thought of every possibility already? He was their Secret-Keeper. He was the only who knew, the only one who could tell Voldemort. And he did it."

"NO!" I shouted.

"He was their Secret-Keeper!" he bellowed at me. "He killed Pete and twelve Muggles! My God, all they could find of Pete was his finger. His finger! Sirius blew up an entire street! There are dozens of witnesses!"

"He couldn't have," I choked. "Why would he – are you sure, Remus?"

His voice broke. "Yes, Niamh, I'm sure."

I clasped my hand in front of my mouth, staggering backwards into my table. Wildly I felt around me for a chair and lowered myself onto it, trying to grasp the things that Remus had just told me. I searched for loopholes, but there were none. Sirius was the Secret-Keeper, Lily and James were dead. Sirius had betrayed them. He'd killed Pete in front of witnesses. There was no way around it, Sirius was in league with Voldemort.

I could feel the hairs on my arms rise when the inevitable conclusion hit me. "What about – what about me?"

Remus didn't dare to look at me.

"Remus!" I snapped. "What about me? What about what happened to me?"

He closed his eyes. "I'm sorry. Dumbledore suspected that someone had been a spy for almost a year. Gideon and Fabian, Dorcas, Edgar Bones, Henry Fairburn… Benjy."

Benjy Fenwick had died two months ago. In a rather morbid letter Sirius had told me they had only found bits of him.

"And that spy was Sirius. So Dumbledore thinks…" I said, holding back a sob, "that Sirius was captured on purpose? To lure me out?"

Remus stared at his hands. "It would've been the only way to make you expose yourself, wouldn't it? If you'd just been interrogated, you would have defended yourself with Occlumency."

"Y – Yes, but…" I stuttered. "The way he reacted – and after I left St Mungo's…"

"You were not supposed to survive," Remus interrupted me. "He had to make a show."

"No, that was no show. Sirius hates Evan. He would never have let him – he just wouldn't."

"But that's what he did, didn't he?"

"No, he didn't," I choked. "He'd never. He loves me. He married me, for Merlin's sake! You've known him for ten years, Remus!"

"Don't you think I know that!" he shouted at me, jumping to his feet. "But he did it! I don't know why and I don't know since when, but he did it! He gave a one-year-old child to Voldemort to have him killed and he handed you over as well! He betrayed all of us!" He whirled around and stared out of the window, running his hands through his hair.

I still sat in my chair, my hands limply lying in my lap, staring at Remus's back. I was lost. During my time in France I had managed to glue together some of the shards of who I was before I was attacked. It felt as if everything I had accomplished was suddenly thrown on the ground and stamped to ruin. Not by just someone, but by the wizard who was supposed to love me. Who I loved. I feared the pieces were too small to pick up this time.

Shell-shocked, shaken to my core, dumbfounded… It's hard to describe what I was feeling. It was almost surreal.

An absolute silence except for our breathing filled my living room.

My mind was no help at all. _Sirius betrayed every loved one he had. He's a traitor. He killed thirteen people. He's a murderer. _

_How appropriate._ I let out a hysterical shriek of laughter, making Remus turn around in shock. I chortled at him. "One murderer married to another. Fitting, isn't it?"

"You are not a murderer, Niamh!" Remus said, aghast.

"You know I am," I replied calmly.

"That's completely different. You had to in order to save others."

I gave another snort, less calm now. "I can't help but feel that this is some whim of fate." I looked at my hands, which were shaking.

_Sirius is the reason James, Lily, and Peter are dead. He killed them, he betrayed them, he betrayed me. He gave to me to Voldemort, to Evan._

"Oh God," I moaned and burst into tears. "I think I'm losing my mind, Remus."

Remus walked towards me and squatted in front of my chair. "Niamh," he soothed, his own voice strangely strangled. Hesitantly he took my hands and waited for my reaction.

"Niamh," he said again.

What else could he say? That everything would be fine? Nothing would ever be fine again. What had once been a tight group of friends was ripped apart by torture, betrayal and death, the ones who'd survived left scarred and broken.

Sobbing I slid off my chair and leaned against Remus, who tentatively wrapped his arms around me and rocked me to and fro. I clung to his robes, soaking the fabric. "S – sorry," I hiccoughed.

"Don't be," he replied hoarsely.

Finally I regained some control over myself and I pulled back. Remus's eyes were suspiciously red. "Come home with me," he said. "Lily and James's funeral is tomorrow morning and there is a service for Pete the day after."

I shook my head. "I can't."

"I know it won't be easy, but –"

"You don't understand. I'm their murderer's _wife_," I breathed appalled. "I can't go."

"You're their friend, Harry's godmother," Remus insisted. "You have to be there. What Sirius did – you are not responsible for his actions. Don't you want to say goodbye?"

I nodded reluctantly. "I do."

* * *

I lived through the funeral in a trance. Lily's sister and her husband had brought Harry. Remus had to steady me with a hand on my elbow, to prevent me from collapsing. Little Harry, with tuffs of black hair sticking out from his head no matter how often his aunt tried to flatten it. It was as if Lily was staring at me through her son's eyes. Lily, who had died to protect her son. 

Dumbledore had explained me about some sort of magical protection provided by his family's blood, but I hardly listened. I could only stare at the little boy. My godson, whose godfather had sold him to his master. The master I'd pretended to serve. My eyelids fell shut at this atrociousness. I felt the stares of those who attended the funeral. The people who frowned in confusion at my presence. I could hear the whispers. Though silent, the Aurors were a thousand times worse. Their pity cut me like a knife. They knew what had been done to me. They knew who had been the cause of it.

Blindly I staggered out of the graveyard after the ceremony was finished. I didn't wait for Remus; I didn't say goodbye to Harry. I just had to get out of there. I could feel the scar on my neck constricting, suffocating me. The stares were suffocating me. Enough was enough. Harry had a home and would be protected. I could not stay another moment in that world. The world which had taken everything from me. Whose inhabitants would always stare at me.

Somehow I managed to Apparate to Paris without splinching myself. I don't think I had any idea of what I was doing. I packed my bags and shrank them. After sliding my keys under my landlord's door, I Apparated to my flat in Bordeaux.

There I enlarged my baggage again. The feeling of the smooth wood in my hand disgusted me. Too much harm was done with magic. I stuffed my wand in a trunk with an angry growl. I stumbled outside, dragging my bags and trunk along. I hailed a taxi.

"_Gare St Jean, s'il vous plait_," I said.

The taxi-driver dropped me off at the train station. I bought a map and a ticket to Pau in the deep south of Aquitaine. From there I made my way to the Pyrenees. In a small village I asked around for an available room and a job.

"_Bonjour_," an old man greeted me. "_Je m'appelle Pierre Saubert. _You said you were looking for a job?"


	54. Reminiscence

**A/N: Well, finally the last chapter. There is an epilogue that should be up very soon. It took me a very long time to finish this chapter, because I just wasn't happy with it. But I've decided enough is enough. I was probably just stalling so I didn't have to finish! **

Lots of thanks to everybody who reviewed: Jennie, Padfootz-luvr, Domlando Blonaghan, Kurama-forever, Nicoley117, siriuslupinlover and Kendra-the hyper one.

Love, WoE

* * *

Reminiscence

Harry lowered the Extendable Ear and stared at the closed door. Next to him Ron muttered something under his breath, shaking his head.

"We should get out of here," Fred whispered, tucking his own Extendable Ear into his pocket. "They'll come out soon."

"Yeah," Harry nodded distractedly.

Hermione looked from one to the other. She'd steadily refused to listen in on Lupin and Niamh, but now her eyes filled with curiosity. All the boys' faces were stricken. She frowned when she heard George mutter the names Malfoy and Snape.

"Come on," Ron sighed.

They were too late. The door swung open and revealed a pale-looking Niamh. Startled she stood still in the doorway. Her cheerless eyes flicked from one tense face to the other and realisation appeared on her own. "Oh my God," she breathed aghast and stumbled backwards, slamming the door shut again.

They stood frozen, blinking at the door, which let through the sounds of agitated voices. Heavier footsteps came closer to the door, which opened once more. Lupin stepped outside and closed the door behind him. He looked livid. "Did it occur to any of you," he hissed, dangerously low, "that she might have a very good reason for not wanting her students to know what happened?"

The boys mumbled apologies, their eyes cast down. Hermione still looked from one to another, failing to understand what the fuss was all about.

Lupin turned to her. "And you, Hermione. I would have thought –"

She shook her head. "I didn't listen – I don't know what…"

"I see," Lupin said. After a moment he ordered, "Downstairs, all of you."

"Can I see Niamh?" Harry asked.

"I'm sure you'll understand that she'd like to be alone for a while."

Quietly they descended the stairs and walked into the kitchen, which was empty. Lupin readied himself for a lecture, but when he saw the lack of colour on his former students' faces he sighed. "Are you all right?"

Mute nods were his only answer.

"I'll put the kettle on." He flicked his wand at the stove, which began to heat up immediately when a kettle soared towards it and landed with a clang.

Lupin took a deep breath. "I am aware that this must come as a shock to you, since you were all sheltered carefully from the atrocities of the first war. You've only been told a few general things, but what you've just heard… That is how it was like. And Niamh…" His voice faltered for a moment, before he finished, "Though she was left with scars, she survived, as one of the very few. She was lucky."

Next to Harry, Ron mouthed 'lucky'.

They sat in silence for a while. When they all had a cup of tea in front of them, Harry sighed. "So this is why Sirius and Snape can't stand the sight of each other?"

Remus took a sip from his tea and shook his head. "That started in our first year. On the Hogwarts Express, to be precise. Sirius and James, both pure-bloods, already knew each other vaguely from social gatherings and within five minutes had found a common enemy in Severus."

"When did you meet them?" Ron asked.

"When Severus's hex sent them sprawling into my compartment. He already knew quite a few curses. I didn't become friends with them until some time after. I rather was alone, out of fear that someone might discover what I was."

"But you did become friends," Hermione said.

Remus smiled. "It's impossible to share a dorm with those two for very long without getting involved and so I became the fourth Marauder."

"What about Niamh?"

"She was sorted into Slytherin, just as expected, and became part of the group that almost all turned out Death Eaters. Sirius's and her family knew each other well, but of course everything changed the moment Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor."

"Must have been some great Christmas parties," George snorted.

"Indeed. Especially because Niamh was often part of the fights between Slytherins and Gryffindors."

"Just like Snape." Harry spat out his professor's name. "How can Dumbledore trust him, knowing what he's done? That he just let –"

"He has his reasons," Lupin interrupted him. "And knowing Dumbledore, they are good ones." He gave Harry a stern look. "Even though you know what happened now doesn't mean your behaviour towards professor Snape should be anything else but that of a student towards their teacher. What happened is between Niamh, Sirius, and Severus. Not you, no matter how much you care."

Harry couldn't believe what Lupin was telling him to do. He couldn't just pretend to not know what had happened. He wouldn't –

He stopped his internal rant when he remembered something. "Back in third year," he said heatedly, "did he know Sirius was innocent? When he tried to hand him over to the Dementors?"

Lupin was silent for a while. "I don't know," he then said. "I don't know his motives. I don't think many Death Eaters knew Pettigrew was a spy, if any at all. There is a good chance that Severus really did believe that Sirius had betrayed his friends. That would lead him to the belief that Sirius had betrayed Niamh as well. 'Too stubborn to believe they were mistaken in him.' That's what he said about your parents. Maybe Niamh was on his mind as well."

Suddenly they heard the front door open. Lupin pushed his chair back, muttering something under his breath, and headed towards the sound. Before he was halfway, the door had slammed shut again. Harry and the others, who'd stayed behind in the kitchen, heard Lupin call, "Niamh?"

There was no answer.

A few moments later Lupin returned to the kitchen. "She's left," he said.

"But, but shouldn't we go after her?" Harry asked anxiously, rising from his chair. "She's in a right enough state to do something stupid!"

Lupin smiled weakly, his worry clearly visible. "She has already Disapparated. If she doesn't want to be found, you won't find her, trust me. We'll just have to wait."

And so they waited. Mrs Weasley returned from a visit to The Burrow and Arthur Weasley returned from work. Neither had seen Niamh. Dinner was spent in a hushed silence. Harry was all too aware of the worried glances exchanged between the adults after Lupin had explained to Mr and Mrs Weasley what had occurred that afternoon.

Mrs Weasley had just placed a plate ladled with trifle under Harry's nose when the doorbell rang. Mrs Weasley and Lupin hurried towards the door, welcomed by the howling of Mrs Black. After the screeching and screaming had subsided, footsteps headed towards the kitchen again and to Harry's relief his godmother marched through the door and sat herself at the table. She looked rather wan.

"Niamh, are you all right?" he asked.

"Of course," she answered briskly. "Perfectly fine." She looked at Mrs Weasley's dessert, avoiding Harry's eyes. "That looks heavenly, Molly. Do you mind if I help myself?"

For a brief moment Harry felt something of what Sirius must have felt at being shut out like that, before he realised it must have been a thousand times worse for his godfather.

After dinner they spent the evening in the drawing room. Every sentence which Harry started to ask what his godmother had done that afternoon were quickly cut off by Niamh's comments that everything was fine. It frustrated Harry to no end. He had no choice but to leave, however, when Mrs Weasley ushered everybody to their beds, leaving only Niamh and Lupin sitting by the fire. Right before the door closed behind him, Harry glanced over his shoulder. The utterly composed expression on Niamh's face vanished when Lupin leaned over to her and placed his hand on hers.

Then the door fell shut.

Harry stomped up the stairs, having every intention to push his godmother into letting him in. Gritting his teeth he decided he would not let her get away, not when he'd only just found her.

* * *

"I can't believe that they know," Niamh whispered with closed eyes. "I refuse to believe it." 

"You can refuse all you want, but that won't make it go away. You'll have to face them," Remus replied sharply. "Harry in particular. He wants more answers."

"I can't give him any. The thought of him knowing, of all of them knowing, about that night… It makes me sick."

"Why?" Remus demanded.

"Why?" Niamh echoed incredulously. "They know about my – my shame. How I was held down and..." Her nostrils flared as she exhaled forcefully. "How I was completely powerless and weak, too weak to stop them. Merlin, Remus, telling you was hard enough, but _them_… Besides, they are children, they shouldn't know about things like this."

"They are not children. They're almost of age and they have seen more than we had at their age."

"I pray they'll never have to see the things I have," Niamh said bitterly. "No matter how old they are."

"They won't. And they won't see you as weak."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I don't see you as weak," Remus answered softly. "It's only in your mind."

"They'll see me differently. With pity," she spat out through clenched teeth. "I can't stand that."

"You can't run away _again_," Remus snapped. "You can't do that to Harry."

"As I've done to you," Niamh nodded, lifting her lashes to meet his eyes.

"I didn't sa – "

"But I have, I know that. I left you to face the wizarding world alone. I should never have done that."

"I don't blame you, Niamh, far from it. I haven't been in the limelight the past fifteen years either, now have I?"

Niamh chuckled. "I suppose not." She bit on her lip. "While we're still on the topic of facing things, where is that box?"

"_Accio_ box!" Remus commanded, relieved. Immediately the item flew from a cabinet into his hands. He held it out to the woman opposite him, who took it with trembling hands.

Niamh fidgeted with the lid for a few moments, before she put it aside. The four photos she'd already seen lay on top and she took them out. The wedding picture, James and Sirius at Hogwarts, a portrait of herself, and the photograph of her and Sirius dancing.

There were so much more pictures, so much more memories. Many of them were of the Marauders at Hogwarts. Near the lake, in their dorm, at the Gryffindor table, making horrendous faces at the camera. A twelve-year-old Remus with pink hair and a glowering expression. James with singed eyebrows, beaming, holding a pack of Exploding Snap cards in his hands and Sirius behind him, bent over laughing.

A picture of James on his knees in front of Lily, in what looked like a Halloween costume of a knight. Lily's face matched the colour of her hair as she glared down at the boy at her feet. They looked about fourteen.

Remus in the library with ink on his nose, Sirius near Hagrid's hut with his hands behind his back and a glint in his eyes that said little good about his intentions, James and Lily sitting next to each other in the Great Hall – obviously seventh year – while talking quietly, Remus throwing a book at Sirius in the common room.

There were two cinema tickets in the box. They'd been crumpled up and smoothened out again. Niamh mumbled the name of the London cinema. "Days of Heaven. On my eighteenth birthday. We were still in Hogwarts. I haven't been to a cimena in fifteen years."

She came across a picture of Sirius and Regulus and felt tears sting her eyes. It wasn't a typical wizarding family portrait, even though both boys were formally dressed. It must have been taken before Hogwarts. Sirius looked very young and Regulus could not have been older than eight. Sirius stood behind his younger brother with his arms on his shoulders, leaning his chin on his brother's black hair. Brown and grey eyes smiled into the camera, an identical grin forming on their lips.

"He never talked about him," Niamh murmured. She could see Bellatrix and Narcissa in the background of the photograph, but she understood why Sirius had kept it anyway. The bond between the two boys spoke clearly through the picture. The love of two brothers before it was torn apart by different beliefs, different Houses, and different allies.

Remus took the photograph from her hand. "To me neither." He sighed. "And now they're both gone."

Niamh's face twisted in pain. "So much hurt has been caused. Sometimes it feels as if everybody has scars. As if nobody's whole."

"That's why we fight, don't we?" Remus replied. "To stop further hurt, further damage."

"To save the world?" Niamh added sarcastically. "Really, Remus, still the idealist?"

"Niamh…"

"Sorry. I suppose the years have added a little bitterness," she apologised, averting her eyes. Suddenly she froze, her gaze fixed on the box.

"What? What is it?"

Slowly Niamh's hand picked up another photograph. She looked at it for a moment before she turned her wrist to show it to Remus. "It's the only photo with him in it."

"Wormtail."

The picture was nothing special, but all four Marauders were in it, sitting and lying under a tree, completely relaxed and with only half an eye on the camera.

"A reminder?" Niamh asked.

"He didn't need a reminder."

"Then why keep it?"

"A memory?" Remus suggested. "Of things gone. Like his brother."

"Am I a memory too, Remus?" Her voice was hollow.

He shook his head decidedly. "You are not a memory. And certainly not to Sirius. You were reality to him, every single day."

"He was right, you know," she whispered. "All those years ago. It _was_ my fault. I knew something was off, I just knew it, but I didn't listen. Merlin, Dumbledore warned me, Sirius begged me, but I thought I knew better. I said to myself I shouldn't overreact. So I went and I delivered myself in Voldemort's hands."

"You two are unbelievable," Remus stated, shaking his head. "Half a year ago I sat here, listening to Sirius telling me the exact same thing. How it was his fault, that he should've listened to Dumbledore and to you, that he should have been more careful and not so rash. Is it some pure-blood character trait that I don't know of, making yourself as miserable as you can?" he huffed.

"He still blamed himself?" she asked, ignoring his outburst.

"He blamed himself for everything," Remus answered. "For you, for James and Lily, for not seeing Peter for what he was."

"I suppose we're all to blame for that."

"Can you truly blame someone for trusting his friends?"

Niamh pressed her lips together when her eyes filled with tears. "I don't blame Sirius. I didn't blame him back then – that fight was just – I wasn't in my right mind – we should have talked about it, but I couldn't. I walked away."

She shifted through the items in the box with her index finger in an attempt to regain control over herself. Quickly she rubbed her other hand over her eyes and ran a hand through her hair. "Oh Merlin," she suddenly breathed.

"What?"

"There's a letter in here," she said. "F – for me."

The thick parchment envelope had slightly curled edges and had yellowed somewhat. Niamh's name was written on the front in Sirius's handwriting. The typical large loops and uneven shapes of the letters were telling. Sirius's writing had always looked as if he didn't have the patience to sit down and write neatly.

Niamh's voice was shaky. "I think, Remus, I am going to need a large bottle of Firewhisky."

* * *

_London, May 13, 1996_

_My dear Niamh,_

_I don't know if you'll ever read this letter. I tried to find you after I escaped, even though Remus told me he had tried it for years himself while I was in Azkaban. I guess you don't want to be found. I hope you're doing okay._

_If you do read this letter, that means I'm dead. Hopefully a good death. If you read this letter, it means I never found you. _

_It's strange, writing this, since I still hope to find you someday. It feels like giving in to something I don't want to happen. But, should you read this, it means I wasn't able to find you. Though it's not something I want to think about, it is a possibility and there are so many things I want to say to you, I just can't risk it. Seems odd, right? Me not wanting to risk something. But we left so many things unspoken and it's time they were said._

_I love you. I still do; I don't think it'll ever change. Those years in Azkaban, knowing that I was innocent is what kept me sane, but it was you who drove me to the edge. I'm not sure how much you know about Dementors, but they suck the happy memories away and leave you with the worst experiences in your life. For years, all I could see was James and Lily's burning house and you that night I was caught._

_I could not remember our good times. That time we almost burned down my kitchen, trying to cook dinner for Remus and the others. The times I took you to the cinema. (I wonder if you have ever learned how to pronounce it.) The times you called me an arrogant git and I told you that you loved me. Your face when you saw that flying motorbike I made with Gideon. Our wedding. Our wedding night. One thing I remember vividly again is the night we spent in your house after I took you to the cinema. In seventh year. I was watching you sleep. I was the first time I realised you were more to me than just a fling. Merlin, you looked beautiful. _

_It came back to me while I was on the run with Buckbeak, a hippogriff. I can almost see your eyebrow raise when you read that. It's a long story, Harry will tell you about it._

_I'm still on the run, or in hiding to be precise. Those pricks in the Ministry don't acknowledge that Voldemort is back, so my name can't be cleared. It doesn't really matter if it never happens, that I will always be seen as someone who murdered thirteen people with one curse. I don't care. Not much anyway. Remus and Harry know I'm innocent. The only thing I still want is for you to know I'm innocent. _

_I know Remus is the one who came to tell you what happened at Halloween. Or what everybody thought had happened. The thought that you believed I had betrayed you, it still rips me apart. I don't blame you, don't get me wrong, you couldn't have believed anything else. Peter had staged it well. But, Merlin, I just want you to know that I would never do anything to hurt you. I can't even begin to imagine what it must have felt like for you. I'm sorry. I wish I could say it to you in person. I'm sorry. If I hadn't acted so rash, stopped for a moment to think and informed Dumbledore before I went after Peter, things would've been different. James and I thought we had it all covered. Voldemort would come after me. Nobody would suspect Peter of being the Secret Keeper. Dumbledore was worried. We knew there was a spy and most people suspected me or Remus. To my absolute shame I must admit I was not sure of Remus myself. You know how it was; that distrust, suspicion. It was affecting everybody._

_James, of course, had no doubts about me. I believe he partially wanted to make me Secret Keeper so he could prove I was not a traitor. And I made him choose Peter. _

_For twelve years I had to live with that in prison. Knowing that he was the one that sold you, James, and Lily to Voldemort. He'll get what he deserves. I hope I'll be the one to give it to him, but Harry has a right as well. _

_As for the others, Rosier is dead, Malfoy is in Azkaban, and Snape… Yeah, Snape. He has joined the Order. Apparently he has redeemed himself. Bollocks, if you ask me, but as Remus likes to put it: it comes down to whether you trust Dumbledore. I trust Dumbledore, I do, but even the greatest minds can be fooled. _

_Snape and I have a score to settle, and that score will be settled, but for the Order's sake I'll let it go for a while. He's giving Harry a hard time though. Probably because he looks like James. It's scary sometimes. He even has James's habit of chewing on his lip and frowning like a nutcase when he's thinking. And he's inherited his father's talent for Quidditch. He's grown into a fine kid, Niamh. I'm sure you'll love him. He's everything I imagined him to be._

_I can't help but wonder if we would have had any children and what they would have looked like. Saoirse. Freedom. I've never forgotten what you told me, that day at Harry's crib. That name has stayed with me in Azkaban. Ironic, I know. Can you miss someone who doesn't exist? We never had the chance to make our own Freedom, but she would have been a lot like you; I just know it. She would have been a young woman by now. She'd be as beautiful as you are. And probably just as stubborn._

_I know it's me who made you leave. I couldn't deal with it anymore than you could. It was good that you left. We needed some time to breathe, away from each other. If you had stayed, we would have just kept blaming ourselves and each other and ruined everything we had together._

_It would have worked, had it not been for Peter._

_I hate not knowing what happened to you after you disappeared. I wonder if you're alright, if you're happy. Maybe you've even found someone to love. A good man, I hope. Someone who's worthy of you. If not, and Remus is still around, you should hook up with him. You two can spend the rest of your days reading books. _

_Though I try to tell him to go for Nymphadora, Andromeda's daughter. He protests, of course, being all gentlemanly and indignant when I pry. Look at what I'm reduced to, being stuck in this hellhole. A gossiping old woman. You know I swore never to set foot in this house again, but it's the safest place for Headquarters you can imagine. There are bad memories everywhere. I can't escape them. I can't even breathe. Never mind, that's not important right now._

_About Remus, I know he's attracted to my cousin. She is a Black, after all. We just have that kind of magnetism. Yes, yes, arrogant prat, I can hear you say it. Remus is all courteous towards her, very boring. He should just grab her, drag her to an empty room, and have his way with her, but every time I suggest that, he gets that shocked look in his eyes and mutters that 'she's just a child and related to me.' Tonks is many things, but a child she is not. Though she is family of mine. Probably won't work anyway now that Charlie is back from Romania. Blacks have a thing for redheads._

_I'm rambling, I know. I just read what I've written and if you understand half of it, I salute you. But I'm not rewriting it. It was hard enough the first time; I don't think I can write it down again. Just thinking about you guts me. Niamh, don't be surprised if you cause Harry a shock. I haven't told him about you. I know I probably should – you're his godmother – but I don't even know where to begin. I don't know if you're still alive, where you are, if you even remember me. Of course you remember me, I'm the man you think betrayed you. What I mean is that I don't know if I'll ever see you again and I don't want to tell Harry all the god-awful things that happened when he'll probably never meet you. Talking to Remus about it is hard enough, let alone tell my godson that I am responsible for the torture of my own wife. _

_I just want you to know that I've always loved you. Nothing has changed that. I could never hurt you; you have to believe that. Remember me how I was. And what we had. It was real. None of it was a lie. You must believe that. I remember it all now. Your eyes, your laugh, your smell, your skin. The dreams and hope we shared. I still feel you next to me. I'll never let that go again. I'll die before they send me back to Azkaban. Our marriage may be over, but for me it doesn't stop there. I'll never let go of you. God, I wish I could see your face one more time. That would be enough. I know you're doing okay; you've always been strong. I hope we'll meet again, but if we don't, I wish you all the happiness in the world. Happy birthday. I miss you. Goodbye._

_Yours, always_

_Sirius _

Niamh stared at the letter for a long time, until Remus returned with the requested Firewhisky. "Are you alright?" he inquired hesitantly.

"I don't know," she answered slowly. She smoothened a crease in the parchment. "He wrote this letter a month or so before he died. It's very strange. Almost – almost a message from the grave."

Remus felt the hairs on his arms rise. "Do you mind me asking what he wrote?"

"That he misses me, that he's sorry, that he loves me – oh, Merlin." She pressed her hand against her mouth, stifling sudden sobs. "I don't know, I don't know," she gasped.

"What don't you know?"

"He says he loves me, but I don't know. I don't know if I love him!" she hiccoughed.

"Niamh," Remus said soothingly while pouring a glass of Firewhisky for her and handing it to her. "The story you told Harry and the others these few days spoke clearly. It told me that you do. I watched your eyes light up whenever you talked about him."

"I don't know," she persisted, tilting her head back and letting the Firewhisky glide down her throat. She coughed slightly and held out her glass for a refill. "Did you know I was an aunt?"

Remus raised an eyebrow, but didn't question the abrupt change of subject and filled her glass instead. "Deirdre has children?"

"Yes, two. Aidan Zabini, twelve, and Graínne, seven." Just like that, Niamh's tone had switched from confused and upset to business-like and distant. It occurred to Remus that his old friend had probably never fully given up Occlumency.

"Is he at Hogwarts?" he asked.

"Yes, in Slytherin. Asked me if I was related to his mother once."

"What did you say?"

"I said no. The boy doesn't need to know. Or at least, he doesn't need to hear from me."

"And… what about Rosier's child? With Sophie Westley?"

"There is no Rosier at Hogwarts. Only Blaise, Amelia's son. Bryce, his brother, never married."

"What could have happened to the child?" Remus wondered.

"There is, however, a Phoebe Westley in fifth year," she continued.

"Is she…?"

"She looks like a female Evan. A lot like her aunt Amelia actually."

"Merlin," Remus mumbled. "I think I'll join you." With that he poured a glass of Firewhisky for himself. "And you teach her?"

Finally, there was a small crack in Niamh's regained composure. She cast her eyes down for a moment. "It's not easy, but I said she_ looks_ like Evan. I did not say she_ is _like him. She's a Ravenclaw, Remus, she's different. More proof you don't have to follow in your parents' footsteps." Her voice was urgent now, as if she wanted to convince him of this.

Remus smiled. "Like you and Sirius."

"Like us."

He looked shrewdly at her over the rim of his whisky glass. "That's where you went this afternoon, didn't you? You went to find Sophie."

"I didn't set out to. I just…" She shrugged. "I had to clear my head and wandered around London for a while. I thought about going to see Deirdre, but… All of a sudden it hit me that mine was not the only life Evan tore up. It took me fifteen years to realise that, can you imagine? So I went to Diagon Alley, asked around, and Apparated to Cornwall."

"How did she react to you?" he asked.

"I gave her the scare of her life. Oh, Remus, she's changed. She was always such a bright, bubbly, innocent girl," Niamh sighed. "Even after she married Evan. But what I found was a reclusive, distant woman with more lines in her face than I have, for Merlin's sake. Life hasn't been easy for her."

"I'm surprised she let her daughter go to Hogwarts. Didn't you say she was home-schooled herself?"

"She was. She didn't tell me, but I got the impression Dumbledore convinced her to send Phoebe to Hogwarts."

"And she was sorted into Ravenclaw," Remus added. "I suppose that's a comfort to Sophie."

"I reckon it is," Niamh nodded. She gave him a lopsided grin. "Dumbledore has a way of knowing things."

They were silent for a while.

Remus emptied his glass. "I'm glad you came back, Niamh, I am."

A teasing smile graced her lips. "I've missed you too, but for the life of me, I don't understand why you would miss me. You've always had your hands full with Sirius and me – and with James and Lily."

He snorted. "Yes, I had. First James loves a girl that can't stand the sight of him for six years. When that's solved, Sirius decides a Slytherin girl is just what he needs. I don't know how I survived."

"You poor thing," she drawled, grinning.

Remus did not miss the fact that despite her teasing, her eyes did not smile when her mouth did. He wondered if perhaps he was the only one who was glad she was back.

* * *

Niamh peered with heavy-lidded eyes at the bottle of Firewhisky. There was only a finger length of liquid left in the bottle. The rest seemed to be sloshing in her head. She stretched her legs in front of her and leaned her head backwards. A while ago she had slid down the sofa on the ground, leaning her back against the velvet, old piece of furniture. 

Remus had joined her not long after and together they had gone through the photographs one more time, regaling old stories and pranks with the bottle of liquor between them.

Niamh felt pleasantly numb, unable to think about the things that haunted her mind. She knew she would regret in the morning, but she couldn't care less about it now.

"He really wrote that?" Remus asked disbelievingly. "Wanker."

"Never known for his subtlety, was he?" Niamh chuckled faintly. She took a large swig from the bottle, not sparing a second glance at her glass. "I suppose he's got a point. We would be content reading books for the rest of our lives."

Remus glanced sideways at her. "You're not serious, are you?"

She smiled at the opening for a pun he left her. "Is the idea that horrible to you? Thanks, Rem."

"No, of course not. You're a very attractive witch," he hastened to say. "It's just – I would – but – never mind, give me that bottle." He snatched it from her hand and poured the liquid down his throat.

"What would the kids say?" Niamh grinned. "Two of their professors getting trashed."

"While contemplating a dead man's matchmaking," he added darkly.

They sat in silence, passing the quickly emptying bottle between them. Finally Remus placed the drained bottle on the floor with a clunk.

"Remus…"

"Yes?"

"Would you…?"

"Oh, what the hell!" Remus turned towards her, cupped her face between her hands, and found her mouth.

Niamh kissed back. For a moment only their breathing could be heard in the room. Then they both drew back.

"Bugger."

"Damn it."

They leaned against the sofa again.

"Well, at least we tried," Niamh shrugged. "Sorry."

"Me too," Remus sighed.

"Should have known it was a bad idea to listen to Sirius. You should try that kiss on Tonks though. I bet it'll work."

"Summon another bottle, will you? Your wand is closer," Remus replied dryly.

Very late that night Niamh lay in her bed, staring at the moth-eaten canopy while the room around her was reeling. It felt as if her bed was spinning slowly in circles, adrift at sea. _A sea of alcohol_, she thought, groaning aloud.

Her whisky-induced state brought no more comfort. Talking about her past had stirred memories better off forgotten. They tugged at her from all sides like demanding hands.

It was nearly morning when she slipped into a slight slumber.

* * *

Harry knocked on his godmother's bedroom door. 

"Enter," a slightly hoarse voice called. Harry stepped inside.

Niamh was standing in front of the window, her arms folded around herself.

"Niamh? Are you all right?"

"Oh, sure," she quickly nodded, her back still turned on him. "I'm fine."

Harry saw her cringe at her own words. She sighed and turned around. "No, I'm not fine." Niamh's eyes were red and underlined with black shadows, her face blotched. "I know I owe you an apology about yesterday, but I never wanted you to find out about all that. I'd never told anybody."

"Why not?" Harry asked.

"Why not?" she repeated incredulously. "Harry, it's not exactly something you discuss over dinner, is it?"

Harry chewed on his lip, deciding he wanted his answers now. "So...after you left for France, you never spoke to Sirius again?"

She shook her head. "Save for some letters."

"Do you still love him?"

"Harry," she sighed, leaning against the window sill. Her arms were still wrapped tightly around herself. "I've hated him for fifteen years. I've hated everything about the wizarding world for fifteen years. But most of all him. I believed he led two of my best friends to their deaths and killed a third. I lived in uncertainty, everything pointing in the direction of him turning me over to Voldemort. His own wife. Every moment from Christmas in seventh year to Halloween in 1981 had become a lie."

"That's not what I asked," Harry replied stubbornly.

"No, it's not," she admitted. "Do I still love him? I don't know. When I returned to England I had gathered every grain of hatred, vengefulness, and anger I still had, determined to finish it all once and for all. I flew up to Hogsmeade and visited Hogwarts. I like to believe I had Dumbledore surprised, but I doubt it." She chuckled. "And then he told me the truth. That I had hated a man for seeking revenge for the deaths of his friends and the torture of his wife. That I had hated a man who escaped only to protect his godson. That I had hated a man who never gave up, not on anything nor anyone. You ask me what I feel. It's guilt, Harry. A soul-consuming guilt. I don't know what else there is left – it doesn't matter anymore. He's gone. I'll never have the chance to find out."

"You shouldn't blame yourself," Harry said.

His godmother smiled wryly. "I've already had this conversation quite a few times."

"Well, you shouldn't."

"Oh, Harry, I wish it were that easy."

"Aren't you glad you know it wasn't all a lie?" Harry asked.

"Yes, I am… relieved." She turned back to the window, staring at a tree being battered by the icy wind. She looked desolate.

Harry found he didn't know what to say. He took a few steps, moving to stand beside her near the window. When he glanced to his left, he noticed he had to look down. His godmother only reached to his chin. She really was smaller than she appeared.

"I dream of him, you know," she told him softly after a long silence. Her voice held a pained longing. "So vividly, so detailed, so bright… that it makes me wonder if he perhaps is reality and my life a dream.

"I've always dreamt of him. For fifteen years. I'd go back to when all was still well and made sense, when I was still sure he loved me. I'd relive those days every night. And every morning I woke up, hating him even more."

She sighed. "But now, when I dream of him, I meet him again. We cross fifteen years of pain and loneliness. And every time I wake I hope I do not wake at all, but go to sleep, so that my dreams are reality and my life only a dream.

"But they never are. They never are."

* * *

**A/N: Yes, there had to be a little Tonks/Remus in there, even though I started this story way before HBP was published and I hooked Tonks up with Charlie. I'm a canon-freak, I can't help it. And grrr, last week I found out they changed the ages and years the Marauders were at Hogwarts. So now a year is 'missing' in my story. I hate that!**

**On to the actual final chapter: the epilogue. (Which, I promise, will be up a whole lot sooner than this chappie was!)**


	55. Epilogue

**A/N: (Jan 27, 2008) Editing gone wrong, thus adding chapter that already existed...

* * *

**

Epilogue 

Harry looked around him. The silence in the house was deafening. He hadn't been here in years. After the War the Order no longer had use for Sirius's family residence and Harry hadn't been able to bring himself to go back there.

The wooden floor creaked under his weight, protesting when he slowly walked through the drawing room, leaving footprints in the dust. The times he had sat on that sofa, with Ron and Hermione, Ginny, Mr and Mrs Weasley, Lupin and his godmother. Harry felt the familiar sting of pain. He was so used to it he didn't even cringe anymore. Niamh Carden Black had perished in the War, as one of many. Another unfinished life, like so many others.

She'd gone down fighting, like a Gryffindor, after she'd lured a group of Death Eaters away from her godson, like a Slytherin. Harry still shuddered when the triumphant glittering that had illuminated her eyes that night appeared in his mind.

She hadn't been the only one who'd given their life for Harry's cause that night. The first one they'd found after the battle was Kingsley Shacklebolt. He hadn't appeared to be dead, except for the lack of a beating heart. Though Harry hadn't been close when his godmother's trap had snapped shut, he had seen many green flashes.

A few feet away from Shacklebolt she'd lain, mortally wounded. "Did you get it?" she'd choked, her mouth coloured by her blood. A small trail of blood had trickled down her chin, contrasting cruelly with the whiteness of her skin. A Crushing Curse had hit her.

He had. The diversion she'd created had bought him the time needed to get the last Horcrux. "I've got it," Harry had whispered.

She'd smiled, the finality in her expression catching his breath in his throat. "Don't go," he'd pleaded.

She'd looked at something behind him. "Remus…"

Her friend had kneeled beside her, his face calm and peaceful, contrary to Harry's turmoil and grief. "Goodbye, Niamh."

"I've fought," she'd repeated, as forcefully and urgent as she still could. "I've fought."

Remus had nodded. "He knows."

"He knows," she'd echoed weakly, closing her eyes. "I know he does," she'd added with a faint smile.

"Niamh…" Harry had wrung from his throat, but she'd already left them, that smile never leaving her face again.

Harry took a deep, shuddering breath, overwhelmed by the memories. He'd never understood. Never understood why she'd let go. _I've fought. I've fought._ He could still hear her say it. But she hadn't! She'd given up. She'd let herself be killed by her reckless fighting, something more fitting for Sirius than for her. Harry couldn't understand.

_He knows. _Harry wanted to ask Remus what he'd meant by that, but he couldn't. Remus had died not long after, the last of the Marauders. That was when Harry had finally realised it. It was to be his generation that would fight this battle. His alone, not the previous one. And they had done so.

Now he was back here in Grimmauld Place, trying to find his place in the wounded wizarding world. Harry sighed. What was he trying to accomplish by coming here? This place was like the wound that had crippled the wizarding world, still oozing blood. Suddenly the air in the room felt too thick to breathe in and Harry hurried out of the door.

He climbed the stairs to his old bedroom, which he had shared with Ron. Wandering around the house he came to Sirius's bedroom, which Niamh had moved into eventually. For a long time he stood still in the doorway, not daring to enter, as if something of the two people that had occupied this room was still there. His godparents' room, but they had never been in it together.

Harry's eyes glided over the furniture. There were still some items that had belonged to his godparents scattered around the room. A few books were piled up on a small table next to a chair. A comb, a few small jars, and a perfume bottle still waited for their owner on the dressing table.

No one had emptied the room after Niamh's death. Harry knew the closet still had to be filled with her clothes. She had moved into Grimmauld Place permanently after she'd resigned from her teaching job after only one year. She'd never told him why, but after leaving Hogwarts she'd devoted all her time to the Order.

Harry took a small step into the room. Dust had collected here as well. He walked to the dressing table, touching the comb and the perfume bottle, before he looked up into the mirror. It was a man that was staring back at him, no longer a boy. Averting his eyes, he moved further into the room. The top book on the table was about Protection Spells. Harry brushed the dust off the cover. It hadn't helped Niamh.

As he'd thought, the closet was filled with robes, dresses, and Muggle clothing when he opened the door. At the bottom shoes were lined up, simple loafers and high heels, a pair of boots and a pair of sandals. On a peg on the inside of the door hung a small purse.

Harry was about to close the door again when he noticed something in the corner of the closet, to the right of the shoes. It was a box. Curious, he reached for it and got it out. He recognized it as Sirius's box, in which he'd kept photographs. Before he could stop himself, Harry sat down on the bed and opened the box. There were a few new photographs, mainly of himself and Ron and Hermione. One had himself and Niamh on it. Another was of Remus and Niamh, playing wizard's chess. By the look on Niamh's face Harry deducted Remus was winning.

He found two envelopes. One appeared to be older than the other and had his godmother's name on it. He swallowed a lump in his throat when he recognized his godfather's handwriting. In doubt as to whether he should read the letter he looked at the other. His breath caught when he saw his own name, in a distinctly feminine handwriting.

* * *

_London, 15 April 1998_

_My dearest Harry,_

_I hope I don't startle you with this letter. I remember well how upset I was when I read Sirius's after his death. But just like him, I have a few things to tell you. Things I can't tell you in person, because I know you won't understand and will try to change my mind. Oh, writing this is hard, much more than I thought. _

_Why don't I just start with the more easy parts? I know you've always wanted more answers than the ones I've given you, but you've never asked. For that I'm grateful. It hasn't always been easy to talk about the things that have happened. I've been most hesitant about revisiting my past, but I knew I had to. And I have. Some of it was pleasant, some of it not._

_You'll like to hear that Lana eventually did get married, to the first man she fell in love with. Gareth Donovan, our old classmate. No, they don't have children. Lana hasn't changed that much. _

_Alexia Malfoy, my sister-in-law, remarried to a wizard from Denmark after Voldemort's disappearance and has lived there ever since. I learned this from her brother Devon, who still lives in England. He has a young boy, who will be attending Hogwarts in three years from now. _

_Aoife, my cousin, has learned to be content with her life. She is mother to a sixteen-year-old girl, whose name is Méabh. I met her and her daughter a few months ago. All she had ever heard about my disappearance from my father was that I had betrayed the family. I told her the truth. _

_She was also the one who advised me to write Deirdre a letter, something I hadn't had the heart to do before. I was afraid she wouldn't want anything to do with me. Aoife, I knew, would want to talk to me, but my sister has always been a pure-blood through and through. __We haven't met and I know that will never happen, she would put herself at risk far too much, but we have written each other for a while to talk things out. Her son is at Hogwarts in his second year and she has a younger daughter._

_Deirdre is a good daughter to her parents, who are both still alive. I haven't asked my sister anything else about them. That door closed seventeen years ago. _

_Another person I went to see was Sophie Westley, Evan's widow. That was a very difficult visit, but I'm glad I was able to see she was as much a victim of Evan as I was, and I'm even more glad that I've found her. You've never seen Evan and that's why you've never recognized his daughter at Hogwarts, but she's his spitting image, except when it comes to her character. She's a Ravenclaw, a year younger than you are. I consider her to be Sophie's daughter, not his, though it hasn't been easy to look at her._

_I've had the same problem with Draco Malfoy, as you can probably imagine. His father, I know justice will be done, even though a part of me still screams for vengeance. But I have to let it go. There are more important things to worry about right now. The same goes for Severus. Whatever friendship we used to have was ruined the night I was caught. For a time I wanted nothing more than to throw in his face what he had let happen and make him suffer, but there are more important things now. We have a war to win. _

_One more person I'd like to tell you about is Narcissa Malfoy, or rather, Narcissa Black. I've always resented her for writing my mother about my relationship with Sirius in seventh year. I've blamed her for the turns my life took after she did that. What I failed to see all those years was that Narcissa did act as a friend. She saw Sirius as a threat to my position in society – which he was– and she tried to protect me from him. She could have gone public with her knowledge, ruining my reputation, but instead she wrote in secret to my mother, who she thought would talk some sense into me. She did what she thought was best for me. _

_Now you, undoubtedly, wonder why I'm telling you all this and why I bothered to find all those people from my past in the first place. I'll tell you._

_My life was unfinished in so many ways. It was cut off in a brutal manner. While you were searching for the Horcruxes I've tried to find those loose ends. I knew I had to finish the tale I'd been telling you. That's why I wrote to Aoife and Deirdre, Lana and Narcissa. They never knew my side of what happened when all the rumour and gossip exploded into society and I vanished. I needed them to know so I could finish._

_Now I have finished. _

_I can see you frown. Why was it so important that I finished? It was because I knew I had to fight and most likely would not survive. My life is not essential to gaining victory. It sounds cruel, but it is the truth. My part in this tale was over seventeen years ago. All that's left for me is to help you on your way, to assist you, and to watch your back. _

_That's why I tied up all the loose ends. So I could focus on the upcoming fight. I know I have to fight. It's been demanded of me. _

_I've told you I dream about Sirius. I've not told you about a particular dream I had a few weeks after Christmas in Grimmauld Place and continued to have until I resigned from teaching._

_I've written it down for you, so you will understand._

_**-o-o-o-o- **_

The only sound I could hear was that of footsteps on stone. My bare feet descended the old stairs, one step at a time. The coolness of the stones invaded my skin. A soft rustle broke the silence when I lifted the hem of my gown to ease my steps.

Someone called for me. They had not spoken, but I felt it. Slowly I turned around. Two pairs of eyes looked down at me from the top tier. One pair bright green, the other a rich amber. They did not want me to go. I turned back. I was sorry, but I could not otherwise.

I walked down the stairs, silk caressing and whispering to old stone. Benches surrounded me, giving the impression of an ancient amphitheatre. When I reached the bottom the eyes behind me pleaded. I hesitated, my footsteps faltering, but I did not look back.

I lifted my eyes and saw what was in front of me. My goal. A raised stone dais.

Cloth fluttered ever so slightly and alluring. I moved closer to the dais. Ancient stone, looking as if it were crumbling, yet there was no rubble on the floor. It was calling for me. I could feel it tugging at me, bringing me closer. I stepped onto the dais. If I reached out, I could touch the tattered cloth. It was calling me. No, they were calling me.

Shaking fingers in front of me. I knew they were my own. They traced a crack in the ancient stone.

They wanted me to come. I wanted to come to them. I stepped closer. The cloth fluttered against my legs. They whispered my name, ever so slightly in a wind that did not exist. They were waiting.

He was waiting.

The cloth veiled the entrance. It did not matter. All I had to do was push it aside and there he would be. Waiting for me. Longing to see me, as I yearned to see him. Another step, the cloth now merely a breath away.

Fingers curled around the cloth and drew the veil aside.

_I'm coming._ I stepped through the Archway.

* * *

And landed on cold stone. I got to my feet and looked around. I was still in the amphitheatre-like room, but with slight differences. The green and amber eyes had vanished. A strange, diffuse light surrounded me. 

Curiosity gleamed in dark blue eyes that resembled my own. A sharp nose and broad cheekbones above a generous mouth. A face I had not seen in countless years. Blond hair, long and slightly curling, like I remembered it. My throat tightened. _I'm sorry._

_Don't be_, my brother answered. _I've paid the price for my actions. Why are you here, midget?_

_I need to find him._

My brother stepped aside, inclining his head. I walked on. I crossed an enormous hall. Soft, golden light surrounded me. Two figures were waiting for me. For a brief moment I thought the bright green eyes had returned, but this time they belonged to a woman. She was standing next to a man with deep brown eyes.

_I'm sorry for not taking care of your son._

Lily reached out. Her fingers caressed my cheek, light as petals of a flower. _Forgive yourself._

James looked at me. _He is waiting for you. But so are others_.

My heart chilled. James took Lily's hand and they walked away.

The warm, golden light faded and left a cold, silver shimmer. The other side of the hall seemed an eternity away. Though I walked towards it, it did not get closer. Black shadows emerged from the silver shimmer. I recognized their faces. Victims, gone for many years. Their eyes pierced my mind. I saw what had happened to them before my eyes.

Victims, of me, Rowan, Lucius, Severus, Bellatrix, and Evan.

Evan.

Cold, hazel eyes stared down at me. I backed away immediately. The silver light vanished, replaced by a frosty void. A cruel smile played around a harsh mouth. He stepped closer. I darted away from him, my heart pounding. A desolate sound shook the silence. Evan smirked. I realised I had made the sound.

The hall seemed to shrink before my eyes. Suddenly I was trapped in a corner of a narrow hallway. He came for me. Malicious glee shone from his eyes. Darkness pooled around his feet; tentacles, black as ink, trying to snatch my feet. He would do it again. Tear me away from my love and leave me an empty shell. I whimpered and pressed myself against the wall. There was no escape. I could not get away from him.

Evan moved closer. I closed my eyes, turning my head away from him. He chuckled. I could already feel his grip on me. There was no way out.

Then I realised it. There was no way out. No escape. I could not get around him. I had tried to get away from him for years. Tried to escape the horror of so many years ago.

My eyes snapped open. I had fled for fifteen years.

I straightened myself. _You're the past. I am past you._ He would not keep me away from my love again.

I walked through him, not looking back once. Immediately soft light seeped back into the void and the narrow hallway expanded more and more into the enormous hall with every relieved breath I took.

There was a large stairs at the end of the hall. I began to walk faster. I could feel him. He was waiting. I ran up the stairs. Straight into a crowd.

Faces seemed to mix and drift apart, strangely solid and yet they were not. I began to recognize them, people I had known as a child, as a girl, as a young woman. They seemed to take little notice of me.

A small distance away a face smiled at me, before it turned away and vanished. I stood still in surprise. Those eyes had resembled my own, but in a face different from the one I saw in the mirror. Her mouth was familiar, though. She'd been taller than me. Jet black curls cascading down her shoulders and back. That strangely familiar mouth had split into a cheeky grin for a moment. A cheeky grin I had seen a million times before. On a black-haired man's mouth.

_Freedom,_ it was whispered to me. Triumphantly.

Something wet fell on my cheek. I touched my skin and knew that I was crying.

_Saoirse._

An even taller figure appeared in the crowd, on the spot where the girl had vanished. Tears were now streaming down my face. _How's this possible?_

Sirius moved closer and put his hand on my cheek. I gasped. He was warm and solid and I could feel the calluses on his skin. He wiped my tears away with his other hand.

I looked at him. He was older. Much older. His hair was long; longer even than the last time I had seen him. It spilled past his shoulders, grey strands here and there. There were lines in his face I had never seen before. His mouth had lost the mischief that I remembered. Grimness replaced it.

But it was still Sirius. I pressed trembling fingers against that mouth. He sighed. Grey eyes that were not the same looked down at me. I knew he saw the same in me. The years had left their marks. I shivered when he traced the lines of my face. He bent down and brushed his lips against mine. _I've missed you. _

I opened my mouth, but he silenced me. _No apologies._

He kissed me again, not gently and feathery like before, but deep and with a need I could feel into my very bones. _Love you._

_Always._

_I love you too._

I didn't know who said which words, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was here with him. I had found him.

He pulled back and raised an eyebrow. _She's pretty, eh? _He looked at the crowd, in which a flash of black curls was visible.

_Gorgeous._

_How can she not? She would have had me for a father._

I laughed. Some things hadn't changed.

_We'll be waiting for you._

I frowned. _I'm already here._

_No, you're not._

I could see in his eyes what he meant. _No. I don't want to leave._

Sirius shook his head. _It's not your time yet._

_It wasn't your time either!_

_Perhaps._

_I don't want to lose you._

_You won't. We'll be here. But you have to go back. You have to fight. Harry needs you. And Remus._

I_ need _you.

_You have me. No 'until death do us part'. We have more. Until we meet again. That's all. _He kissed me. I savoured every moment, every touch, every breath.

_Now go. _He pushed me back. I could still feel his hands on me, even though he disappeared in the crowd again.

A whisper in my ear. _Wait for you._

**_-o-o-o-o-_**

**"****_When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to your mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die, you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart.  
For as long as you remember me, I am never entirely lost. When I'm feeling most ghost-like, it is your remembering me that helps remind me that I actually exist. When I'm feeling sad, it's my consolation. When I'm feeling happy, it's part of why I feel that way.  
If you forget me, one of the ways I remember who I am will be gone. If you forget, part of who I am will be gone. "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." the good thief said from his cross (Luke 23:42). There are perhaps no more human words in all of Scripture, no prayer we can pray so well. "_ **

_It's a quote, Harry, from a Muggle writer. I believe his name is Frederick Buechner. _

_I remember Sirius. And __I will do as he asked. I will fight, but after that I will go to him. I won't keep him waiting too long._

_I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world, my dear Harry. You have friends who will stand by you no matter what, and that's all you need. You have the love of your parents and your godparents and the strength of the justness of your fight. I know you will succeed. You are everything I could have hoped for in a godson. You'll become the man you need to be. _

_All my love,_

_Your godmother_

* * *

Harry sat on the bed, the letter trembling in his hand. And finally, finally he understood.

* * *

**-**

**A/N: Well, I've finished... It's the first story I've posted here on FF and I've worked about a year and a half on it. Before that it had been stewing in my head in many different forms for ages. I've had Niamh and Sirius practically always in my head with me all that time, with cameos of Remus, James, Severus, Lily, Lana, and Harry of course. Especially Niamh has really become a part of me and I've only ever had positive reactions to her.**

**So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you, thank you to the reviewers. Some of you have followed this story since its beginning and I'm amazed you stuck with me that long! Thank you for easing the worries of a beginner writer, and supporting me, and pointing out mistakes. Thanks for the rants on evil characters and the ones on stupid actions and pigheadedness of the loveable ones (coughSiriuscough). Thanks also for the rants on cliffhangers! Thanks for the discussions about the HP novels, in particular about Snape and Dumbledore. Thanks for pointing out songs that remind you of this story (my computer is now full of songs that somehow make me think of a particular scene). Thanks for all the tears and the smiles, the capitals and the exclamation marks. Thanks for never making me regret posting my work here!**

**A big hug to all of you!**

**Lots of love,**

**Nadia**


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